Outside it was cold and raining,
Ice forming on the roads.
She knew it wasn't smart to go anywhere,
But she felt trapped at home.
Her nerves were on end,
The city was calling to her.
Grabbing her keys,
She left the house.
Cautiously she navigated the roads at first,
Then she started getting careless.
With the way she had been feeling lately,
She didnt care what happend.
Driving too fast for the weather,
One wrong turn was all it took.
He knew something was wrong hours later when he heard knocking on the door,
She wasnt home.
All he heard was them saying "I'm sorry."
The rest was a blur,
Never again would he see her.
Outside it was cold and raining,
Ice forming fast on the roads.
She knew it wasnt smart to go anywhere,
But she felt trapped at home.
Monday, February 28, 2005
Making Sense of Life
In the end it will all make sense,
Right now life seems abstract.
Each day like the pieces of a puzzle,
One day they all fit together to form the bigger picture.
What it all comes down to is how we spend it,
Constantly making sense of life.
Then it is evident,
Life isnt supposed to make sense.
Right now life seems abstract.
Each day like the pieces of a puzzle,
One day they all fit together to form the bigger picture.
What it all comes down to is how we spend it,
Constantly making sense of life.
Then it is evident,
Life isnt supposed to make sense.
On Love
There is a vital moment in everyones life when they choose to fall in love or not. There is that moment where they choose to take that crucial step, putting their heart on the line. They either take that leap of faith or remain in denial, afraid they will be allowed to have their heart break. But for those who run blindly towards that prize, it is they who really live. It is those who say: "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." As for me, my feelings are still mixed. Ask me on my death bed and then I will tell you if my broken heart was ever worth it.
Sunday, February 27, 2005
Compliments that made me feel good.
Some one whom has been a harsh critic to me since I made a mistake back during the summer paid me a huge compliment earlier. We were doing something in a site I belong to with some friends where you list 10 things you hate about yourself, 10 things you love about yourself then put the things you love about the people that are around you. Basically with in that site. Well I put that I admired the way she could speak her mind with out caring who she pissed off. Hell Im so worried about hurting others that I cant do that. She did hers. Well next to my name she put this; Mandy: For taking a chance or two in life and learning how to move on.
That may not seem like a compliment but trust me from her it is. It made me feel good. Considering she knows nothing of the things I am putting my heart through at the moment. Then Liz put some thing too. Mandy: i love the way you let no one change your mind .. yur willing to find out on your own .. even when you get hurt in the end ... trust me some lessons are worth learning the hard way .... I never realized they all see me as this strong person. To be totally honest Im not. Im just as fragile as the next. I fall apart alot. I am peiced together right now. The adhesive has not dried yet. Only time will tell if it ever does.
That may not seem like a compliment but trust me from her it is. It made me feel good. Considering she knows nothing of the things I am putting my heart through at the moment. Then Liz put some thing too. Mandy: i love the way you let no one change your mind .. yur willing to find out on your own .. even when you get hurt in the end ... trust me some lessons are worth learning the hard way .... I never realized they all see me as this strong person. To be totally honest Im not. Im just as fragile as the next. I fall apart alot. I am peiced together right now. The adhesive has not dried yet. Only time will tell if it ever does.
Cold Reality
Theres a cold reality to an empty bed.
This reality is the one that screams at me the most.
After having gotten used to having a warm body next to me,
I face each night with lack of interest in sleep.
Theres no security in sleeping alone,
But theres only peace when its shared with some one you love.
I have learned that the best rest is achieved when I feel safe,
Safety doesnt feel secure when the place next to you is cold.
Sleeping on the couch is more peaceful than returning to the bed I once shared with him.
Knowing that I am vulnerable upon closing my eyes,
Sleep comes fitfully.
Theres a cold reality to that empty bed,
It says I am alone in this world.
This reality is the one that screams at me the most.
After having gotten used to having a warm body next to me,
I face each night with lack of interest in sleep.
Theres no security in sleeping alone,
But theres only peace when its shared with some one you love.
I have learned that the best rest is achieved when I feel safe,
Safety doesnt feel secure when the place next to you is cold.
Sleeping on the couch is more peaceful than returning to the bed I once shared with him.
Knowing that I am vulnerable upon closing my eyes,
Sleep comes fitfully.
Theres a cold reality to that empty bed,
It says I am alone in this world.
Saturday, February 26, 2005
Her Questions
Afraid and alone,
Her heart feels empty at times.
More often than not she cries,
Thoughts of him drive her crazy.
No longer knowing what to do,
She closes her eyes.
She dreams of a day when it all seemed perfect,
Now doubting her decisions.
Her love is unchanged,
It is still holding strong.
His is the one she wonders about,
Where does his heart lie?
She has questions,
Yet not the courage to ask.
Her heart is fragile,
She fears the answers.
For he is the one she could not bear to lose.
Her heart feels empty at times.
More often than not she cries,
Thoughts of him drive her crazy.
No longer knowing what to do,
She closes her eyes.
She dreams of a day when it all seemed perfect,
Now doubting her decisions.
Her love is unchanged,
It is still holding strong.
His is the one she wonders about,
Where does his heart lie?
She has questions,
Yet not the courage to ask.
Her heart is fragile,
She fears the answers.
For he is the one she could not bear to lose.
untitled.
After one day he missed her already,
"I'll be home soon,"
Was what she said.
Little did they know,
That these words were her last to him.
His world fell around him when he got the news.
She was coming home,
This time the reunion would be sad.
Never again would he see her smile,
Or hear her laugh.
Their only meetings now would be in dreams.
He still visits her,
Wishing she were here,
Always asking how this could be real.
Forever his heart needing to heal.
* This is for some one that I am friends with. I actually wrote it on 1-07-05. This time of year is hard for him. So this is dedicated in memory of a girl I never knew. Natalie Jo. I had planned on giving this to him. But in her honor I post it for the world. I hope if he reads this he likes it. I put alot of thought into it.
"I'll be home soon,"
Was what she said.
Little did they know,
That these words were her last to him.
His world fell around him when he got the news.
She was coming home,
This time the reunion would be sad.
Never again would he see her smile,
Or hear her laugh.
Their only meetings now would be in dreams.
He still visits her,
Wishing she were here,
Always asking how this could be real.
Forever his heart needing to heal.
* This is for some one that I am friends with. I actually wrote it on 1-07-05. This time of year is hard for him. So this is dedicated in memory of a girl I never knew. Natalie Jo. I had planned on giving this to him. But in her honor I post it for the world. I hope if he reads this he likes it. I put alot of thought into it.
The Joslyn
Mom, Bill and I went to the Joslyn this morning. Thats the Art Museum in Omaha. Anyways it was rather neat. We are talking about going next weekend too. The exhibit I wanted to see was closed. So yeah I have an excuse to go back. Truth is though I could go every weekend and find something new every time. I love those things. Mom stayed either a few steps behind or infront of Bill and me. We were being "critics" today. It was funny though. The Degas was the best though. It was the young dancer. Oh I have always loved that one. But I never knew I would get to see it. Then there was mine and Bills favorite section. The Native American art. Trips us out though that there was this clay jar and of coarse they feel the need to put a sign next to it that says JAR. Um duh.. No we thought it was a lamp shade. Some of the pictures were cool too. Bill and I cut up threw the whole thing. We had a good old time. But I have to say there is a guy that works there. HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT. So hmmm maybe I acted a little snobby today but he grinned. So we can always play this game. I like the pursuit alot more than the catch. Some times innocent flirting and imagination is good stuff.
Just For By: Nickelback
I want to take his eyes out
Just for looking at you
Yes I do
I want to take his hands off
Just for touching you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Regret life since the day he met you
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Take back all that he took from you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do
Just for looking at you
Yes I do
I want to take his hands off
Just for touching you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Regret life since the day he met you
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Take back all that he took from you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do
Heartache
Skeptical is the heart that is forever broken.
Left in ruins and wishing for revival,
This heart beats in slight pulses.
Untrusting is the heart never allowed to heal.
In peices jagged as glass,
Yet it some how remains to beat.
Waiting for the final blow is the heart who knows only pain.
Ever suspecting that this one will be the last,
Always finding that it will be broken again.
Left in ruins and wishing for revival,
This heart beats in slight pulses.
Untrusting is the heart never allowed to heal.
In peices jagged as glass,
Yet it some how remains to beat.
Waiting for the final blow is the heart who knows only pain.
Ever suspecting that this one will be the last,
Always finding that it will be broken again.
A few words.
A few words from him was all it took,
The walls so carefully constructed came falling down.
Although her heart wasnt ready,
She went in with the whole of that tattered heart.
She came out with hurting,
But that heart had begun to heal.
Now she is keeping it all inside,
Her heart needs to heal completely.
A few words from him was all it took,
Her walls were reconstructed and reinforced.
Now she misses her friend,
But misses the love more.
To think just a few words healed her and killed her.
The walls so carefully constructed came falling down.
Although her heart wasnt ready,
She went in with the whole of that tattered heart.
She came out with hurting,
But that heart had begun to heal.
Now she is keeping it all inside,
Her heart needs to heal completely.
A few words from him was all it took,
Her walls were reconstructed and reinforced.
Now she misses her friend,
But misses the love more.
To think just a few words healed her and killed her.
No More.
Upon opening her eyes she realizes she doesnt recognize anything around her.
Sure its a place shes been most of her life,
But its like a foreign entity has taken over.
This morning her life has a new meaning,
Her whole personna is changed.
She looks through the window to see everything in a new light.
As of this moment she makes a vow,
No more pain for her life.
It will either affect her positively or not at all,
She gives no other option to her heart.
In order to survive she must be strong emotionally,
No one else shall ever tear her down.
This way she never has to awaken to recognize nothing around her again.
Sure its a place shes been most of her life,
But its like a foreign entity has taken over.
This morning her life has a new meaning,
Her whole personna is changed.
She looks through the window to see everything in a new light.
As of this moment she makes a vow,
No more pain for her life.
It will either affect her positively or not at all,
She gives no other option to her heart.
In order to survive she must be strong emotionally,
No one else shall ever tear her down.
This way she never has to awaken to recognize nothing around her again.
Oh the mystery of Me.
I have my good days and my bad days. Today its all been weighing on me. I talked to Hope earlier. She was funny. I know how alone I am. It is possible to be alone when you have people who love you around every corner. This I am finding out the hard way. On the surface and all the places it really counts, I am happy. Truely happy. On my personal level Im still on that emotional thrill ride. Good way to put it huh. I picked up the phone to call a friend who shall remain nameless. Immediately I knew I couldnt go threw with it. I would have froze up upon hearing that voice. The past tends to bite me in the ass on occassion. Thats my peice of it for today. I hurt the ones I love with my version of my personal truth. I know that the wait they all go threw to have a glimpse of life with me is not worth it. So on a normal basis I tell them that. But then my heart stupidly involves itself. I should really put a muzzle and a leash on that damn blood pumper. Thats what gets me hurt anyways is taking it off. Letting it out to play. I place my feelings on a table to be evident, its ok for a while. Then BOOM! Theres a mess. That was infact my heart exploding. The breaking of it was so loud you would have had to been deaf not to hear it. No Im not talking about anyone in particular. So stop that. Stop thinking it. Im speaking in general. My heart never healed when Nana died, never healed with Toby. James is just a little added to it that I dont really want to elaborate on. My feelings may never change where he is concerned. But they will stay well in check and burried in order for me to maintain what means most to me, his friendship. I could have stopped all this before it ever started. I could have left it all unsaid. But now that I cant take any of that back, why should I deny it? I will tell you why I wont and why it will stay unspoken to the masses. I would rather have my dear friend and confidant for the rest of my life than have an old love that I feel disgust for. Plain and simple thats just how it is.
Friday, February 25, 2005
Socially Unacceptable
Ever sat and listened to a song and even though you have heard it a hundred times, it captivated you. All the sudden it had meaning to you. The way the person singing feels about the person they are singing about is suddenly screaming at you that it is exactly the way you see some one else. Even if they are some one you probably will never have again. Or never have for that matter. Doesnt really matter. Its just a song I have loved for no particular reason was on a bit ago and I could put myself in it. I could look and say wow. Like you know no matter how things turn out that will always be my mindset on him. "I cant see how you will ever be anything but mine..." Wow. Im pathetically depressing at times. Yes I know its true. But I can normally tell you everything going on around me. But while that song was on I was lost in another world, in a small set of nothing but wonderful memories. Memories that as long as I live I will never ever want to lose. My life is so easily expressed in lots of music and poetry. So why cant I seem to get it right? Im working on it. I figured something out though. Its my turn to wait. Its my turn to show love through undying support. Then maybe just maybe one day things will be the way I know in my heart they should be. I sound like the eternal sap, but I dont care. Theres a beauty to these blog things ya know. I can write what I want to. There will never be a single soul to tell me that I am wrong for it. And if they do, I dont care. We all have to have an outlet for our feelings, greif, happiness, guilt, creativity or what ever else may come our way. This is mine. Sure I keep a personal, hand-written journal. I keep a poetry journal. I keep a creative writing journal. But this just feels more natural. My personal journal is kept confidential. Hope reads it. Thats cool but shes pretty much the only one. I just feel it is a way to leave a part of myself. I have three notebooks and am starting a fourth. They are for people that I love. Theres one for Hope, Carey, James and Kristys is getting ready to get started. The James notebook is on hold, for the direction of it has to change. Sadly though it can not be altered. I refuse to do that. So if some day his girl picks it up after Im gone and theres that undying professed love, she will just have to deal with it. I have lost too many people not knowing where their truth lie. Now I refuse to do that to these people. Careys is more or less a bit of inspiration for a young woman in need of it. Hopes is a labor of love, admiration and inspiration. Shes already read some of it. I need to really get to crackin on hers. Its part of her graduation gift. Though she knows all about it. Carey will get hers when its ready. James will get his when the appropriate time comes. Kristy on the other hand, hers is gonna take more time, energy and love than all of them. Shes my best friend. She is so much more to me than just a girl I grew up with. Shes my sister as far as I am concerned. Im missing a time that I would die to be a part of. But alas I cant. I wasnt there when she had Katherine. I missed most of the pregnancy. Im missing it all again. You dont know how bad that is killing me. In a time when I am feeling slightly left behind and alone, I feel a twinge of regret for all the love I have been apart of only to end up alone again. One day I will explain that. For now I am finding out that being my age and single is totally socially unacceptable. Trust me its pointed out for me. My older sister did it the other night. She didnt mean to but she did. Some lady at the store asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no, she said "oh honey Im sorry." HUH???? Am I missing something here?? Forgive me for being a freak with no love!!!
Thursday, February 24, 2005
Going Crazy By: Natalie
Ever since the day you went away and left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same ohh baby, nooo
When I looked into your eyes the moment that I let you go
I just broke down (down)
Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again
I would sacrifice
Cuz the feeling that I feel within
No other man would ever make me feel so right
Its nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me, right next to me
I miss the way you hold me tight
[Bridge]
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world, for you I'd do anything
[Chorus 2x]
Thats right baby
I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you baby
Break it down now I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you its been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat
Every time we speak,
I can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me and you want me and you miss me
And you love me I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
I'll put it down be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you crazy over for you
I`m calling, calling out to you what am I going to do?
It's true and no fronting
Its you and no other i can no longer go on without you
I'll just break down (down)
[Bridge]
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world, for you I'd do anything
[Chorus 2x]
Thats right baby I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you baby
Ohhh, ohhh....
Crazy... lady.....
lately.... Ohhh ohhh.....
Ohh ohhh ohhhhhh Baby...
My life just hasn't been the same ohh baby, nooo
When I looked into your eyes the moment that I let you go
I just broke down (down)
Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again
I would sacrifice
Cuz the feeling that I feel within
No other man would ever make me feel so right
Its nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me, right next to me
I miss the way you hold me tight
[Bridge]
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world, for you I'd do anything
[Chorus 2x]
Thats right baby
I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you baby
Break it down now I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you its been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat
Every time we speak,
I can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me and you want me and you miss me
And you love me I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
I'll put it down be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you crazy over for you
I`m calling, calling out to you what am I going to do?
It's true and no fronting
Its you and no other i can no longer go on without you
I'll just break down (down)
[Bridge]
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world, for you I'd do anything
[Chorus 2x]
Thats right baby I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you baby
Ohhh, ohhh....
Crazy... lady.....
lately.... Ohhh ohhh.....
Ohh ohhh ohhhhhh Baby...
Being nice for a change
Im diluted I know that. But bare with me. Im sitting here looking at a Brides magazine my mom bought me last spring. When Toby called and his friend Binky let it slip that he was ring shopping. Lets say I just like looking at the book. It was a failed dream. But hey a girl can still dream right? I put so much time and effort into that relationship. I just dont know why. I look back now and think about alot of it. You dont know how elated I was. Now I wonder what would have happend had I kept my mouth shut that night. Had I not cut him down to size. Though I with the things I know now, I am glad that its a distant memory. Now I know I am cruel and harsh. But there were good times. There were more good times than I let on. But the bad in the end over shadows it. I prefer to think of the good times. Like our first date. It was interesting and caused alot of speculation on the job. Or when I was going threw a state when we thought I had cancer, he would wake up at night to find I wasnt in bed. I would be next door with his best friend with the door wide open. That way he knew and so did every one else, that nothing was going on. But me and Eric would sit down watch a movie and eat. Thats how we did things. I would cry he would get the tissues. All was well. When I would fall asleep he would go take me back to our place and they would put me in bed. Yes those were good times. I remember the time he had been gone for a few months and I was so lonely but he told me he wouldnt be home til Saturday afternoon. I was so upset cause I didnt want to be alone. Then at 2 in the morning my phone rang. It was him telling me to go open the door. Low and behold there he was. I was never so happy in my entire life. Our first Christmas together, I mean together as in the same place. Which in truth was our second as a couple. I wanted a certain book. Everyone told him it was a stupid gift. But he got it for me. My eyes lit up when I opened it. But I will never forget that look of excitement when I gave him a this baseball glove. One he wanted but for some reason never got. See growing up his family was slightly poor. He played baseball but never had his own glove. So I got him that. Oh he and my brother played hours on end. It was incredible to see him turn into a teenager. I felt good to be a part of that. So yes, I am hateful at times. But there were some times when we were just so happy it was pathetic. But the last year was exactly that, pathetic. We both entertained ourselves with other things. Ignored each other, fought too much. I started living for the first time. Started partying. He didnt know my friends so it made him uncomfortable. Well I found out later that it was because he was off doing things with other girls. Well yeah all my friends save a few, were men. So I see why that would have made him mad. But I know now it was because he couldnt trust himself that he couldnt trust me. I never did anything with any of those guys. Trust me I had my chances. I had my opportunities. Nope. I remained faithful. I wonder sometimes what it is like to have such deep love that is shared by both parties. One day I hope to find that.
Wednesday, February 23, 2005
True By: Ryan Cabrera
I wont talk
I wont breathe
I wont move
till you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
Im attached to you
Im weak
Its true
Cuz Im afraid to know the answers
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster
Ive waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I wont hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life Ive waited
This is true
You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
Im afraid to move
Im weak
Its true
Im just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?
Ive waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life ive waited
This is true
I know when I go
Ill be on my way to you
The way thats true
Ive waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life Ive waited
This is true
*** Im not an eternal sap or anything. After all the low blows in love I have recieved I still genuinely believe in it. I dont think I am in line for it anytime soon or even ever for that matter. I believe though that if I am ever truly loved I WILL screw it up. This is how it goes for some people. For me, unfortunately, I am one of the unlucky. I find it, bad shit happens. Its over. If I get lucky its to be left with a friend. So far I have two exboyfriends that are friends. But the one I loved for the longest shall never be accounted for on that list. He took my heart and went fishing with it. He can bite me. Yeah I know being a bitch doesnt make life easy. It just makes it more complicated. But oh the contempt in my heart for that short ass jerk. Ok now Im just being tacky. Truth is most days I dont even care anymore. But some days I feel so unbearably alone that it is easier to focus that pent up frustration on some one. He is just the easiest target and that pain is getting up on 7 months old. I dont care anymore if it hurts anyone by me feeling the way I do about him. I laugh at his misfortune which I know is very cruel. But what can I say? What goes around comes around. One who sets out to hurt others will end up hurt. I hope he is learning that lesson with every new girl he screws.
I wont breathe
I wont move
till you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
Im attached to you
Im weak
Its true
Cuz Im afraid to know the answers
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster
Ive waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I wont hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life Ive waited
This is true
You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
Im afraid to move
Im weak
Its true
Im just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?
Ive waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life ive waited
This is true
I know when I go
Ill be on my way to you
The way thats true
Ive waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life Ive waited
This is true
*** Im not an eternal sap or anything. After all the low blows in love I have recieved I still genuinely believe in it. I dont think I am in line for it anytime soon or even ever for that matter. I believe though that if I am ever truly loved I WILL screw it up. This is how it goes for some people. For me, unfortunately, I am one of the unlucky. I find it, bad shit happens. Its over. If I get lucky its to be left with a friend. So far I have two exboyfriends that are friends. But the one I loved for the longest shall never be accounted for on that list. He took my heart and went fishing with it. He can bite me. Yeah I know being a bitch doesnt make life easy. It just makes it more complicated. But oh the contempt in my heart for that short ass jerk. Ok now Im just being tacky. Truth is most days I dont even care anymore. But some days I feel so unbearably alone that it is easier to focus that pent up frustration on some one. He is just the easiest target and that pain is getting up on 7 months old. I dont care anymore if it hurts anyone by me feeling the way I do about him. I laugh at his misfortune which I know is very cruel. But what can I say? What goes around comes around. One who sets out to hurt others will end up hurt. I hope he is learning that lesson with every new girl he screws.
Ever get to a point in life where you feel left behind? I get there sometimes. Im actually there now. Not that I feel insufficient for it but I have a bit of longing for the security that goes with it. My two best girl friends are getting married. Ones having another baby. Im still just me. I have nothing or none to go home to at night. Nothing in particular to look forward to. I realize its socially acceptable to be at the place I am at in life right now. But its not personally acceptable. I have no love left in my heart. Its all taken. I dont think I could fit another single soul or partial in my heart. Thing is I really only love a few people. The love I do feel is deep and emotional. Yet my heart aches. Im learning all over again how to see everything from a fresh prospective. I dont know where or how my heart will find this peace it so craves, but it needs to heal. I have so many wounds I have left untreated that it is pathetic. I am finding a new one daily. I need to be refreshed. But is that possible? Only time will tell. Im feeling a little out of sorts for this moment. Dont ask why, I couldnt explain it if I tried. Im just a girl with a soul still searching for a place to call home.
My song!
My silly friend Ryan is play writing me a song. Im laughing at it right now. Not bad though . It made me laugh. And I love how my name is not in it! Its funny. We are on Yahoo right now laughing!
I can write a song about puppyweld
her hearts been trampled on all too well
she came from texas but it's cold up here
but not as cold as her heart or as wet as her tears
she believed in love a long time ago
now she wonders if it's a place she'll ever return to
she pours her feelings into an internet diary
makes you sad still she says "don't cry for me"
she has a smile that shines like the sun
but the frown comes back when the people are gone
listens to music to ease the pain
sad country songs bring it back again
i know that in time her wounds will heal
her heart will mend when she gets a man who's real
my eggs are done so i got to eat
may not sound like the greatest treat
but it gives me the protein that my body needs
i'm the tree and these are the seeds
that guarantee that my muscles will be strong
i should shut up now, i'm ruining this song
That shit cracked me up. Ryan sure made me laugh. He said "dont put the part about the eggs!" I just laughed and said nope gotta thats the best part. Thought though I would give yall a fun laugh. That did it for me. So thats that!
I can write a song about puppyweld
her hearts been trampled on all too well
she came from texas but it's cold up here
but not as cold as her heart or as wet as her tears
she believed in love a long time ago
now she wonders if it's a place she'll ever return to
she pours her feelings into an internet diary
makes you sad still she says "don't cry for me"
she has a smile that shines like the sun
but the frown comes back when the people are gone
listens to music to ease the pain
sad country songs bring it back again
i know that in time her wounds will heal
her heart will mend when she gets a man who's real
my eggs are done so i got to eat
may not sound like the greatest treat
but it gives me the protein that my body needs
i'm the tree and these are the seeds
that guarantee that my muscles will be strong
i should shut up now, i'm ruining this song
That shit cracked me up. Ryan sure made me laugh. He said "dont put the part about the eggs!" I just laughed and said nope gotta thats the best part. Thought though I would give yall a fun laugh. That did it for me. So thats that!
Tuesday, February 22, 2005
Self help
Cheryl sent me a self help book today. I decided not to be so social today and started reading the newspapers. I am looking for a new job. Anyways about the book. Its Dr. Phil. Sounds good to me. He generally gives some pretty good advice. And seriously what I need right now is some self help. Well this all derives from something the two of us talked about last Wednesday. I had gotten fed up with the project I was working on and set it down. She didnt bring one so the two of us started talking. She doesnt know me very well but knew I was not quite right last week. So we talked I told her everything that was going so nicely wrong in my life. We talked about school and stuff like that. So Im looking into a few law enforcement programs. But the bid issue was how she knew from my mom that I was always avoiding fixing my own problems to help some one else with theirs. True stuff. I would rather fix a small country than myself. So she suggested I get involved in some things. Suggested a few books. Well I havent been to a book store so I havent gotten any. Ok Im book picky what can I say. Right now I have been dealing with trying to rediscover that girl I knew so well back before I became dependant on my other relationships. Mainly Toby. Later on I became emotionally dependant on James but that was well before any of the more personal relationship. I am working towards building myself image back up. Because if you dont have a good self image how can you love anyone? I dont know that at this point I really even love myself. Sad to say. But I dont know that I have in a long time. Mom and I talked about that the other night. It was rather emotional. I cried my eyes out. I told her everything, I wasnt real willing before that to talk about James. She asked the hard questions. Why I still had his picture up. Stuff like that. I was honest. I said that before and above all else he will always be my friend. I say that regardless of how my heart feels. I need to grow. Being hateful will not allow me to grow, especially not spiritually. That is something I need. My relationship with God became strained when I started dating Toby. I guess I hid from God. Not like it mattered. He still knew what was going on and all my sins. But I was ashamed. I was no longer the girl that belonged in a church. Or that was how I felt. I was now a girl who was having premarital sex, and living a life so far from what the Christian life should be. I just felt like a hypocrite walking in those doors. No matter who called and said they wished I would come, I stayed home. For a while I went regularly with April. We enjoyed the heck out of ourselves. I even worked in the nursery. Had a blast with that. But I also knew Shellies little boy. Keaton was so much fun. Only a few months old. Me and him would go sit in the rocker and I would put him to sleep. It was nice. I always loved doing that. One day I hope I will be a good mother. Theres nothing like having a baby fall asleep in your arms. I used to love having Katherine come crawl in bed with me. There is just something so precious and innocent about a child. One day I sincerly hope to have my own. For now though I need peace of mind. A peace that will only come with discovering that girl in me again. When I am in touch with me. When my life quits being about other people and starts becoming about me being happy. Then I can let the others in as long as I learn to keep my needs first.
Monday, February 21, 2005
Hmm.
Well Im bored. I have nothing to do. I talked to Len Cross earlier. Hes in Borger. I liked working in Borger but I dont want to work for Wyatt Field Services again. Too much chance there to possibly run into Toby. I dont need that in my life. I need stability and a sense of freedom. I need independance and support that says "I wont allow you to fail." I need to find out who I am. I have to remind myself every day "independance doesnt mean being alone." I know its stupid but I do tell myself that every day. I have to learn to stop pushing out the ones I love. I have to learn to love myself. When I do that I will be better equipt to love other people more efficiently. Even though I am trying hard to make my heart flip a switch to turn off a love I am not supposed to have. One that wont be happening. One I screwed up. Enough of that. It does me no good to remember my mistakes when I cant rightfully fix them. Kevin and I laughed at each other for a good while last night. I have really got to get out and make friends my age. Kristy and I talked about that Sunday night. She says she knows that I will find them. I just have to be willing to find them. Oh the wisdom of my best friends. It amazes me sometimes. I am missing another friendship right now. I hurt knowing this is all my doing. Dood I said no more of that. So I am gonna go so that I stop thinking about him. I cant keep doing that to myself.
Sunday, February 20, 2005
Oh my
Well I know God and I fight alot. Or I fight and God laughs. He must have a great sense of humor, cause Im an ass. Well anyways. I wont say why until I know that she has told who she needs to, but my best friend called me tonight crying. Now I have prayed alot. I am worried about her. I love Kristy to peices. So Im worried. I worry any time she is upset. I just pray that she is fine and that the outcome is good. I dont know what to say. All I said for at least thirty minutes was "Wow" and "damn" and stuff like that. I mean I talked to her. We talked a bit. But thats what the time amounted to. Shock and disbelief. I wish I was there to be with her. How come I left when she needed me the most?? I really gotta work on being a better friend.
Saturday, February 19, 2005
Seems I am good at making every one laugh. We sat around the dinner table just laughing it up. Mom and I told stories bout back when I was at CE King High School. Ahh the good old days. Some were like hell but wow I had some good times. Seems I was a bit of a clown. See for me you didnt have a KHS story back in the early three years with out a Kevin story. We were inseperable. Still are except hes in a different state and all. I just got done leaving him a "whut up fool this is Deeze. Where you at? Call me." But thats just how it goes. Im not explaining Deeze to anyone. Deeze is a name that few are able to refer to me as. But Kevin is Don Deigo. Ha ha. I bet Im the only person who can still get away with that, well maybe Scrotum. Haha. Im sooo not going there. Good ol' Sac. I heard hes married. In the military. Damn Im the only one huh. Then Steven. Haha Im still laughing that he married that Diana girl. Rose said that he asked about me. Im thinking, dood could have had me back when he and Diana had broken up our Senior year. What would I want with him now? Ill tell you, NOTHING. But boy was he an interesting love affair. I still cant believe I was stupid enough to like him. Talk about tension. He would bring her to our school stuff and she would glare at me. I would do my part in egging it on though. Always surrounded by my gobs of fools. But no one knew my heart was on hold back then. It was reserved for some one that no one knew about. I still have his our picture up in my bed room. Its my favorite picture. I doubt I will ever take it down. I bet if I was to run into him today my heart would still beat so... I never quite got him out of my system. Though he is now just a cherished memory. He was forbidden for many reasons. But well worth the stuff went through. Im not explaining. I never write his name. I dont intend to now. I dont like that the fact of just knowing someone that loves me could hurt just by hearing a name. The name Maxine and Angela hurt me. But thats old stuff. There is a more recent rather new one I came across by accident. My heart just wants to stop thinking about it. So I think about better things, better times. Hope for the happiness of that loved one. I refuse to take his picture down, I didnt throw away the notebook. I kept all of it. Friendship should be left untarnished by my stupidity. Im trying. I hurt a little more than I want anyone to know. Ive cried enough. But God hasnt let me let it go yet. There is a season for all things. My season right now I believe is for tears and healing. But I dont know how to heal. Left untreated a wound will become infected. I dont know how to treat this. So for now it is throbbing and gushing. What else can I say??
You Dont Know Me
By: Ray Charles
You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Hello."
And I can hardly speak,
My heart is beating so.
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well.
Well, you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend.
That's all I've ever been.
Cause you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
For I never knew the art of making love,
Though my heart aches with love for you.
Afraid and shy,
I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
You give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(For I never knew the art of making love, )
(Though my heart aches with love for you. )
Afraid and shy,
I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy Oh,
you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me)
You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Hello."
And I can hardly speak,
My heart is beating so.
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well.
Well, you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend.
That's all I've ever been.
Cause you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
For I never knew the art of making love,
Though my heart aches with love for you.
Afraid and shy,
I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
You give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(For I never knew the art of making love, )
(Though my heart aches with love for you. )
Afraid and shy,
I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy Oh,
you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me)
My musical passions.
I went to a movie tonight. I dont do that very often. I just dont do it. But I really enjoyed myself. The movie was good. So Im glad I went. It was one Mom and I had been wanting to see. We went to see Ray. Quite good performance by Mr. Jamie Foxx too I might add. I grew up quite fond of older music. Ray Charles was one of my favorites. Then naturally the Beatles. That was a musical staple at our house. Pink Floyd, George Jones you name it we listened. Like I have previously stated I love music. It is one of the great loves of my life. Arts, I just cant get enough of them.
I tend to be some what goofy. Today Lisa told me that Keith Urban was on GAC. So I went running upstairs yelling at everyone that my boyfriend was on tv. They all just laughed. I cant help it, I like music. I love some artists. But the song struck an all too familiar chord. Then again here lately that happens alot. Currently I am searching for the lyrics to "You dont know me" so far I am unsuccessful. I love that song. I know its old. But how can you hate those words. They are soo true. "you give your hand to me, then you say hello and i can hardly speak my heart is beating so... " Ahh I love that song. Im sure I screwed it up though. Its been several years since I have sang that. But I did. I performed it for a show at school. God I love that song. Just cant find it anywhere. I shall resume the search. I will write more later.
I tend to be some what goofy. Today Lisa told me that Keith Urban was on GAC. So I went running upstairs yelling at everyone that my boyfriend was on tv. They all just laughed. I cant help it, I like music. I love some artists. But the song struck an all too familiar chord. Then again here lately that happens alot. Currently I am searching for the lyrics to "You dont know me" so far I am unsuccessful. I love that song. I know its old. But how can you hate those words. They are soo true. "you give your hand to me, then you say hello and i can hardly speak my heart is beating so... " Ahh I love that song. Im sure I screwed it up though. Its been several years since I have sang that. But I did. I performed it for a show at school. God I love that song. Just cant find it anywhere. I shall resume the search. I will write more later.
So I am revamping this blog. The appearance changed, the title changed. Hell even my profile changed. I figure if Im gonna change so should the baggage. Im starting a little at a time working it all. My life that is. I want to become a better person. I want a life I am proud of.
Dating is out of the question. I dont need it. I need to be free. I gotta learn to fly. I gotta spread my wings and gain some freedom. Get comfortable in the shoes God has given me and stop trying to conform. Some times its just so easy to fit in that we never experience the life that was truly meant for us.
I hurt some ones feelings. I am living with that guilt as my daily companion right now. Hurts me more to know I did that to some one that I genuinely love. Now he wont talk to me. I cant say as I blame him. Unfortunately, I believe that real honest love only happens once. I found that. I let it go. I was and am incredibly stupid for that.
I renamed this blog "Confessions of a Girl On Her Way Home..." because I went back and read some of my oldest blogs and found that they were all just about confessions. The confessions of a female who isnt a girl any more but not quite a woman at her full potential. I still have so many starry eyed little girl dreams, that I call myself a girl instead of a woman. Sure I could have put young woman, but I chose to be more realistic. Besides here lately I have acted like a girl not a woman.
One day I hope to regain the friendship I so mortally tatered. For now I think I will surround myself with the ones that are around me that I love. I am finding little peace hiding from it. But I am finding hope in the most unlikely places.
Dating is out of the question. I dont need it. I need to be free. I gotta learn to fly. I gotta spread my wings and gain some freedom. Get comfortable in the shoes God has given me and stop trying to conform. Some times its just so easy to fit in that we never experience the life that was truly meant for us.
I hurt some ones feelings. I am living with that guilt as my daily companion right now. Hurts me more to know I did that to some one that I genuinely love. Now he wont talk to me. I cant say as I blame him. Unfortunately, I believe that real honest love only happens once. I found that. I let it go. I was and am incredibly stupid for that.
I renamed this blog "Confessions of a Girl On Her Way Home..." because I went back and read some of my oldest blogs and found that they were all just about confessions. The confessions of a female who isnt a girl any more but not quite a woman at her full potential. I still have so many starry eyed little girl dreams, that I call myself a girl instead of a woman. Sure I could have put young woman, but I chose to be more realistic. Besides here lately I have acted like a girl not a woman.
One day I hope to regain the friendship I so mortally tatered. For now I think I will surround myself with the ones that are around me that I love. I am finding little peace hiding from it. But I am finding hope in the most unlikely places.
Friday, February 18, 2005
Dear Zach
Next... I have been so blah today. No energy. Then again I spent the better part of the last 24 hours in bed. I slept better last night than I have in a while. No disturbing dreams, no ghosts. The one haunting me right now is a double whammy. Zach go away. Stop visiting me like that. I know where I screwed up. I dont need you telling me about it boy. Dont you have a sister or some one to harass. Its been nine years do you still have to be the voice of reason. I know it only happens when Kevin and I avoid the bullshit. I know it only happens when I am not being open with him. But Im not hiding him. It just hurts too much to talk. Jeeze, Zach. I wonder what would have happend had we all just done what we were supposed to that day. I know that not every one realized how good of friends we were. How couldnt we be, there was Tara for pete sake. She was my big sister, your girlfriend then ex. You know what still bugs me though man?? We for no reason acted as if we were mad at you. Shouldnt have done that. We just liked to irritate you. Had I known that was gonna be the last time I would see you, I woulda hugged your neck or begged you not to go to the bayou. Cant quite look at that place the same. Still cant believe you came back for Jed. I bout fell out my chair, no Im lying I did fall out of it, when Rose told me about the accident. Cody was so hurt. I wonder if you know how much you shaped the way our student body depended on each other.
Its getting up on that time of year again man. April 24th I believe. Of coarse Im trying to remember off the top of my head. We burried you on Melissa's birthday. That much I remember clearly. Those two days at school though they were a blur. I remember leaving class a few times. I remember sitting in the hallway with Kevin and Figgy. Instead of being in Choir singing, getting ready for your memorial. I didnt go man. I went on that stupid field trip that weekend. You were burried on a Saturday. Me, Jessica, Melissa, the other Melissa, Jenny, Tisa, Emily, Bobby, and Keith gathered into a room on our retreat and had our own memorial. Our parents were with us. Mrs. Stripling even said some things. But you were the first in a long string of death for me that year. Dood its been 9 years. Can you believe that shit? Look at me sitting here typing to you as if you can some how hear my words. Never thought I would do that. Gosh your sister got to be a pretty thing. Oh and Tara's baby sister, Maegan, tell her whats up for me. You came and got her too. Tore Tara up you know. Shes in the military now. From what I understand she loves it. God I miss her.
I think about you alot. Wishing that I had just been a better friend. Not that I ever did anything to you. But Im sure you know what I mean. Damn man things have really just gone to the dogs. Oh did I tell you Kevin joined the military? Yeah hes a Marine now. Im proud. He really grew up. I wish I could. Im working on it man. I moved from Texas to Nebraska, just trying to find my way. I havent been to see you in a long ass time. I promise next time I am in Houston, first bit of time I get, I will drop by. Gotta see you, maybe stop and see Jerid too. Dood that cemetary probably ought to have me in it too. But you boys saved me more often than not. I guess thats why David and I got so close. Some one needed to pull my butt out of trouble after everyone had graduated. Of coarse you know I never hung much with my own age group. Had no choice that last year. But I loved it anyways. David and Kevin came back to support me. David was at all my events. I do mean all of them. God I miss him. I miss my boys what can I say? Im gonna shut up now Im sure the people reading this are thinking I have lost my mind talking to some one who died years ago. But dood stop showing up in my dreams and I wont resort to it... Love is there for the taking you just have to chose to take it...
Its getting up on that time of year again man. April 24th I believe. Of coarse Im trying to remember off the top of my head. We burried you on Melissa's birthday. That much I remember clearly. Those two days at school though they were a blur. I remember leaving class a few times. I remember sitting in the hallway with Kevin and Figgy. Instead of being in Choir singing, getting ready for your memorial. I didnt go man. I went on that stupid field trip that weekend. You were burried on a Saturday. Me, Jessica, Melissa, the other Melissa, Jenny, Tisa, Emily, Bobby, and Keith gathered into a room on our retreat and had our own memorial. Our parents were with us. Mrs. Stripling even said some things. But you were the first in a long string of death for me that year. Dood its been 9 years. Can you believe that shit? Look at me sitting here typing to you as if you can some how hear my words. Never thought I would do that. Gosh your sister got to be a pretty thing. Oh and Tara's baby sister, Maegan, tell her whats up for me. You came and got her too. Tore Tara up you know. Shes in the military now. From what I understand she loves it. God I miss her.
I think about you alot. Wishing that I had just been a better friend. Not that I ever did anything to you. But Im sure you know what I mean. Damn man things have really just gone to the dogs. Oh did I tell you Kevin joined the military? Yeah hes a Marine now. Im proud. He really grew up. I wish I could. Im working on it man. I moved from Texas to Nebraska, just trying to find my way. I havent been to see you in a long ass time. I promise next time I am in Houston, first bit of time I get, I will drop by. Gotta see you, maybe stop and see Jerid too. Dood that cemetary probably ought to have me in it too. But you boys saved me more often than not. I guess thats why David and I got so close. Some one needed to pull my butt out of trouble after everyone had graduated. Of coarse you know I never hung much with my own age group. Had no choice that last year. But I loved it anyways. David and Kevin came back to support me. David was at all my events. I do mean all of them. God I miss him. I miss my boys what can I say? Im gonna shut up now Im sure the people reading this are thinking I have lost my mind talking to some one who died years ago. But dood stop showing up in my dreams and I wont resort to it... Love is there for the taking you just have to chose to take it...
Today
Life is about the relationships you have. If you chose to seclude yourself you chose lonliness. I wonder if that is what I do. I wonder if I chose to be alone. I mean I can look back and watch my life. I can see several places where I choose to be alone. But why I do it I will never know. I think for me it is about protection. Years and years ago I got a taste of what it was to lose someone. Left one hell of a bitter taste in my mouth. If ya dont go near the water you cant drown, right? Wrong. I avoid the "water" at all costs. Hurts me good too. Being independant is not about being alone. So why do I think that my independance will never include anyone else?
Next up for bid... Kevin and I talked for a good while last night. Good thing he is two hours behind me on the time thing. He knows the basics. Didnt ask any questions. Thats a first. I told him that we were gonna end up two old folks sitting in rocking chairs at some retirement home talking bout how we could have been so much more. Swapping the "well if you had just butt out" speaches. Truth is though we wouldnt have it any other way. Truth is that we are just an odd pair. May never live with out each other, just never with each other. That would be toooooo wrong. Mom was listening to Kevin and I talk. It was hard to miss I was at the kitchen table eating for the first time in a day or so. Damn being sick sucks. Well anyways. Mom said that Lisa had gotten the impression that James and I had broken up. I just looked at her and said "we did." Tried to go on with my conversation with Kevin. Well she asked what happend, why she didnt know. I just looked at her and said "some times you just gotta let 'em fly." Looked back down at my food and listened to Kevins latest love drama. Bitch better watch out. I dont like whats going on and I generally get the appropriate feelings on that. Never have liked any of them. Hurt him, your on my hate list.
Next up for bid... Kevin and I talked for a good while last night. Good thing he is two hours behind me on the time thing. He knows the basics. Didnt ask any questions. Thats a first. I told him that we were gonna end up two old folks sitting in rocking chairs at some retirement home talking bout how we could have been so much more. Swapping the "well if you had just butt out" speaches. Truth is though we wouldnt have it any other way. Truth is that we are just an odd pair. May never live with out each other, just never with each other. That would be toooooo wrong. Mom was listening to Kevin and I talk. It was hard to miss I was at the kitchen table eating for the first time in a day or so. Damn being sick sucks. Well anyways. Mom said that Lisa had gotten the impression that James and I had broken up. I just looked at her and said "we did." Tried to go on with my conversation with Kevin. Well she asked what happend, why she didnt know. I just looked at her and said "some times you just gotta let 'em fly." Looked back down at my food and listened to Kevins latest love drama. Bitch better watch out. I dont like whats going on and I generally get the appropriate feelings on that. Never have liked any of them. Hurt him, your on my hate list.
I feel so yucky....
Well I came down with some kinda stomach bug last night. Gee havent I felt great. No. It has really sucked actually. I spent the majority of today in bed, or the floor. Where ever I felt the most comfortable at the moment. I feel so bad Kristy called me last night. She had such good news and immediately she asked me what was wrong. Ok well she had talked to Hope but still. I refuse to cry to anyone. So I held it all in and told her exactly what had happend. Told her the stupid shit I had said. She didnt know what to say. Maybe what I need is time to have only me to worry about. I made her laugh though. I told her all about mine and Chana's conversation the other night. I just hope that he stays away from Leon County. Hes already got enough people mad at him. Heaven help us all if Kevin ever finds him. I got that great and beautiful account the other night. Havent talked to Kevin since Sunday. I need to call him. I need to see him. I need the care that so far out of all the men in my life, Kevin has been the only one to give me. Most people dont get us. Theres no attraction. Though we act as familiar as an old married couple. God I miss him. I havent made any real friends yet. I mean none my age. I have Cheryl. Shes twice my age, great to talk to though. Theres Sarah. But shes my brothers girl friend. Other than that I have met no one my own age. Well actually I havent met anyone my age. Thats cool though. I never did hang much with kids my own age. Kevin is 6 months older than me, Kristy 6 younger, April 2 months. Thats the extent of friends my age. I think my mom kinda has an idea that James and I arent together anymore. But she knows me well enough to know that I dont want to talk about it. Kristy said I can call anytime. But I dont want to ruin her good vibration. God Im so happy for her. Joey proposed. April's getting married, in april. Theres just me and Kevin left now. I dont think the two of us will ever get married, to anyone. Nope. At least me. Kevins one of those guys a girl would die to have one of. But like me, he keeps getting hurt. Keeps getting real good hurt. The two of us could write a book. I swear to God neither of us ever really hurt until we werent around each other. It was after the two of us started living in different states that that shit started happening. But gee could we point out the bull shit. Always could. Ok well I am gonna go face up to him. Talk more later. If I feel good enough that is.
Wednesday, February 16, 2005
Today I went with my mom to this thing that a few of her friends have every week. Basically they all sit around and talk and work on projects. Anyways, I got frustrated with the project I was working on and put it down. Cheryl and I started talking. Cheryl is 50 so she is a little more than double my age. But I got more out of talking to her than anyone so far. She asked how it all was going. I told her I was ok. She just kinda looked at me. Asked if there was something wrong. I told her what all was going on. Included the idiotic bullshit I had done to "help" it all along. Told her that I though I had managed to run off the one person that I cared the most for. She talked to me for a good while. All the while I tried so damn hard not to cry. The more I think about the things she said the more I know she was right. I told her EVERYTHING. I never open up to people I dont know. Ive only talked to Cheryl maybe three times. So this was interesting that I did this. She told me that she believed that I just need some time to have no one but me to worry about. Even if that means hurting in the process. From every thing she knew from my mom about me she said that I had given too much to other people and stopped worrying about me too long ago. Now how in the hell did she know that. I generally dont care about me, I worry about every thing and everyone around me. I worry about how every one else is. What I can do to help them. Ok so I need to work on self help. I agree. But I hurt James. I had no right to do that. I am a little more than sensitive when it comes to my heart. I foolishly jump to conclusions. I hurt the people I love the most. I hate me for that. I hate the fact that I hurt the person I love the most. In trying to guard my own heart I hurt the one person I love the most. I cant express fully the way that makes me feel. I wasnt a good friend. I am a bad friend. I see that now. One day I hope to be a good friend again. Most of all I pray that James will find it in his heart to forgive me. All I ever have wanted from him is the one thing he always gave. But I was too blind to see it.
My Worst Fear
Rascal Flatts
Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it,
but I was awake when you did
You were quiet,
you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there pretending to be
You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere
[Chorus]
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
Called out your name,
but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone
[Repeat Chorus][Bridge]
All along I knew that there was something missing
And only one thing left to do
I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living
But the only thing that left was you
[Second Chorus]
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But being alone is my worst fear
And staying here is my worst fear
Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it,
but I was awake when you did
You were quiet,
you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there pretending to be
You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere
[Chorus]
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
Called out your name,
but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone
[Repeat Chorus][Bridge]
All along I knew that there was something missing
And only one thing left to do
I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living
But the only thing that left was you
[Second Chorus]
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But being alone is my worst fear
And staying here is my worst fear
Tuesday, February 15, 2005
i want to scream!!!
I am throwing in the towel. I dont think love is worth this shit. All I want to do is go sit in my closet and cry. I have Hope to talk to. I dont even want to go there and call Kevin. NO I refuse to call Kevin. I refuse to tell him I messed up a friendship by getting involved. Im pretty sure thats whats gonna happen. Oh I want to go cry. I dont know what to say anymore. Ive never been quite good enough. Im pretty sure thats what it all comes down to. Fuck it! Just some one else giving up on me. They usually do.
"In this world theres only real and make believe, and this seems real to me." A line from a song I really like. Though I cant say I agree with the whole of it. I just like the song. Though that is the main part that describes me. The chorus doesnt even begin to touch it. But that is me right now. I dont know what is real and what is make believe anymore.
my fight with God.
Here it is plain and simple. I dont care who I offend. But heres my fight with God right now....
God,
You know threw good and bad even when I am kicking and screaming, I have trusted you. Yes you gave me free will. But its the free will of others that you keep allowing to wound me. Why is it that you feel the need to test me so??? Why do you give me something precious then take it away? Why do you allow me to be hurt? Why am I satans toy??? For once cant you tell him to go pick on some one else. Let me have that silly little bubble of happiness that I have rarely experienced. I need that peace in my life right now. I am trying so hard to be normal. I am trying so hard to find your will. But all the bad stuff makes me wonder why you want me to question you so. My hands are shaking, my stomach is in knots. Kinda like when I wanted those darn pain pills so bad. But I dont have to tell you that, your God. You know every thing. So please quit letting me hurt. I am sick of crying. My red-rimmed eyes stay hidden in day light. I am far too vulnerable to let it show. I allowed you to lead me to a new place thinking I would feel the pain leave me. Positive is what I need not more pain. So far I have positive but personal pain is growing more every day. Cant you just give me a pill to make all the pain disappear. I believe I had that one time. But you told me to quit and I did. I obeyed. Immediately I found a new addiction that lasted too many years, caused too much pain. Stop letting me do that! I prayed about it all and talked to Kevin like I always do. You usually put the right answer in him. He was a gift right?? So why did I get the advice I needed that wont work? Why do you have me doubt every thing around me?? Why do you tell me to put my trust in love then tell me its not gonna happen? I tell you what, God, I give up. Let satan continue his screwed up games. Let me keep crying. I just dont have the will power to fight it anymore. Seems when you created me it was someone elses lesson you had in mind. Teach them how much one person can withstand. Teach them how bad a girl can hurt before she turns into an unfeeling skeleton. Well God, Im there. I still have a little but not much feeling to give. So take it. Break me. All it will take now is one good hit. Go ahead I will give you the baseball bat.
God,
You know threw good and bad even when I am kicking and screaming, I have trusted you. Yes you gave me free will. But its the free will of others that you keep allowing to wound me. Why is it that you feel the need to test me so??? Why do you give me something precious then take it away? Why do you allow me to be hurt? Why am I satans toy??? For once cant you tell him to go pick on some one else. Let me have that silly little bubble of happiness that I have rarely experienced. I need that peace in my life right now. I am trying so hard to be normal. I am trying so hard to find your will. But all the bad stuff makes me wonder why you want me to question you so. My hands are shaking, my stomach is in knots. Kinda like when I wanted those darn pain pills so bad. But I dont have to tell you that, your God. You know every thing. So please quit letting me hurt. I am sick of crying. My red-rimmed eyes stay hidden in day light. I am far too vulnerable to let it show. I allowed you to lead me to a new place thinking I would feel the pain leave me. Positive is what I need not more pain. So far I have positive but personal pain is growing more every day. Cant you just give me a pill to make all the pain disappear. I believe I had that one time. But you told me to quit and I did. I obeyed. Immediately I found a new addiction that lasted too many years, caused too much pain. Stop letting me do that! I prayed about it all and talked to Kevin like I always do. You usually put the right answer in him. He was a gift right?? So why did I get the advice I needed that wont work? Why do you have me doubt every thing around me?? Why do you tell me to put my trust in love then tell me its not gonna happen? I tell you what, God, I give up. Let satan continue his screwed up games. Let me keep crying. I just dont have the will power to fight it anymore. Seems when you created me it was someone elses lesson you had in mind. Teach them how much one person can withstand. Teach them how bad a girl can hurt before she turns into an unfeeling skeleton. Well God, Im there. I still have a little but not much feeling to give. So take it. Break me. All it will take now is one good hit. Go ahead I will give you the baseball bat.
uggh
Old hysteria sets in so easy with me. Its a dark day with lots of clouds. The chance of rain impending. I dont know why I do it. I can get opinions from Kevin, April, Hope and Kristy all day but never really know why. I read something earlier that put some fear into me. Im worried I took actions to save something precious too late. I have the worst timing in the entire world. I took actions to prevent something from hurting me and someone else. I fear though that with what I read earlier I was too late. But I really dont know. I just know I am worried about it. I dont care how vague I am being. I know what I am talking about and thats what really matters right? God help me out here. Im just about to the part where I drive myself insane.....
Monday, February 14, 2005
Life comes back to bite your ass doesnt it Toby...
I am mean. I talked to Chana earlier. She was telling me that she crashed her car. Poor thing. Luckily the insurance picked it up. Well anyways heres why Im mean. She was telling me how the girls were doing. We made an agreement a while back, no news about Toby. Ever. Well she told me that he and the bitch broke up. I laughed so hard. Mean huh. Guess its a good thing I left. Im gonna crack up if he tries to call Kristy. Theres no way he can contact me unless he calls my family or her. Then again Chana has my number. But she wouldnt give it to him if he begged. So Im not really worried. As much as I know it is wrong, I am happy he got what he deserved. I hope he learned a lesson. I hope he is hurting. I hope he realizes that he missed out and will never get back what I was once willing to freely give. My love is never again up for sale. Not for him. I dont even know that I would be nice if he was to call me. I would probably be mean, hateful and down right nasty. Give his phone number to my boyfriend to let him do to Toby what Toby did to me. Let him tell Toby what a peice of shit he is. Let him tell him how he was worthless and never worth the time God spent creating him. I cant believe I actually loved him. What a waste. I look at myself now and wonder why I was so stupid. Talk about closure. I got it in a big way. Just finding out hes alone. Cause I know that man. I know he beats himself up when he knows he is wrong. I hope this is eating his heart like a flesh eating disease. I dont really care how utterly unChristian that sounds. God forgive me for it but I want him to feel the pain I did.
Kind of love I want
A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,
He said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with herforever....
and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry,
and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away,
tears streaming down her face
The boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever.
I NEED to be with you forever!
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...
I'd die...
**I got that in an email. Sadly enough It is really the way I wish to be loved one day. If not now, I wish to know that feeling one day.
He said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with herforever....
and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry,
and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away,
tears streaming down her face
The boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever.
I NEED to be with you forever!
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...
I'd die...
**I got that in an email. Sadly enough It is really the way I wish to be loved one day. If not now, I wish to know that feeling one day.
I wonder why
It baffles me. I am scared to death of ever having children. That is a legitimate fear. Not the having children part but the gestation period. Actually being pregnant. As I have experienced breifly things can go wrong. I cant say I really know what it is to be pregnant. Hell I only knew about three weeks when I lost that. I was around 3 months pregnant. Gauging from certain things that are a tell tell. Well for the last three years I have been shy of the idea of ever having kids. The right kid just sets me off. I will lock my self in a room and cry for hours. I will not be able to explain what is going on. But I will just cry and cry. I will drive myself insane. Thinking about how right now I should have about a two year old child. I have my days when I thank God for the wisdom that he showed by allowing that bit of pain to enter my life. I say it has really caused me to grow. Although I did slip in my faith quite a bit after that. Then there are days like today. I was at church this morning. This young couple walked past holding a baby. First thing that went threw my mind was, I want one. Then I realized what I was thinking. It was all I could do not to show my emotions. We were at a store buying cards the other day when I realized I wasnt reading the card I had been holding for about five minutes. No I was looking at my feet. I was staring at a little baby sleeping in a carrier. I just kinda smiled sadly at the mom and told her that her little boy was beautiful. So see theres alot going on in my head that I dont talk about. Sure I have previously let it be known that this pain is in my heart. But I never really talk about it. I hate January. I hate the memories that go along with it. I hate that when I was hurting the most my boyfriend left me and didnt come home for a month. During my biggest time of need during those four years he was only 20 minutes away and didnt come to see me once. Being stupid and not realizing that I should have left him then, I stayed. I watched him grow attatched to our friends kids. I never let them in. Katherine was my one exception and actually a shocker for myself was in June that year I let Trace in. He was the prettiest baby. Still is I can bet. He is the son of my friend Sherry Gail. When she lost her husband I helped her with him. Never revealing why it meant what it did to me. Trace was only two months old. She was only 19. But she could see my need for attatchment and would come calling when she couldnt get him to sleep or needed a babysitter. She would call and come over for no reason. We would watch movies. I would feed Trace and let her sleep. He became my buddy. I dont know why I let go of that though. It was very healing for me. But its a wound I think will only heal on the day I actually have one of my own. That is really all I want. Just one. Two if I can but one would be enough to heal a big hole in my heart. Not that I expect anyone to understand that. But still. I have wishes. I have dreams. But most of all I have a need. A need to be fulfilled. But I dont want my children to hurt the way I have. I dont want to put them through divorce, custody battles, all that bull shit. I want to have a normal life. I want to be normal. I want to have a family that shows each other love. My family did for a while. Dont ask me what happend. I dont know. But it all kinda went to shit and is just now getting normal again. With the exception of the fact that my parents dont care much for each other and my dad is a jerk. Ok Im being harsh again. But I am the way I am and I dont know how else to be.
Ahh the workings of me.. I suck dont I??
I am bored. I havent really felt too hot all day. I still dont feel too good. I bet I sleep well though. Thats gonna lead to me getting up earlier in the morning. Just like I did this morning, even though I sat up talking to Kevin way too late. Doesnt matter I will do that any day of the week, thats what friends are for. Though I think I got the best deal out of the conversation last night. Anyways Im not looking forward to this great holiday today. I hate Valentines day. I just dont see why we need it. Plus every time some one celebrates it with me bad shit happens. It is like the kiss of death for me. I hate it. Besides shouldnt you celebrate love every day and not just on a day when every one in the world is. I just dont get it. Too comercialized for me. Besides I hate that mushy shit. Just another reason to spend way too much money. I dont know I guess in a way the romance thing isnt my thing. Then again Ive never really experienced it. The most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me most wouldnt consider romantic. But it was sweet. And they dont even realize that I was awake to know it. He kissed my forehead when he thought I was asleep. I just played it off like I was asleep. No ones ever done that. NO ONE. Ive never been one that guys have taken the time to get to know. They see me and think, "hmm bet I can get into her pants." Then they find out Im not like that. They give up. Im not gonna have sex with them so they dont want me. Nothing new. Happend more times than I like to tell. So forgive me for not being a ho. I have one thing of great value that God gave me. Thats my body. I abused it for four years. Let some one have what they wanted and got stomped on. I dont plan on letting that happen again. No thank you. Sex is now reserved for when I am married. Because one thats the way it was intended and two by the time Im married to them I know it isnt about just sex. Or at least it better not be. Im slightly old fashioned. A little on the shy side. No Im lying Im extremely shy. I mean I act up, get loud and rowdy, and have fun. But when it comes to men I am not direct in the fact that I am flirting. Unless it has progressed over some time. Trust me it takes some time. One exception to that rule, and well he messed my head over so bad I dont know who I am sometimes. I was stupid what can I say. I could write a whole blog on why I hate Toby. What the bastard did to me. How screwed up I am now. Would be kinda therapeutic. But Im not gonna do it. I figure it wouldnt do anyone any good. I have a personal journal. I think I will keep those thoughts in there. Because in that journal it wont be called slander. I always swore I wouldnt turn into him. He hurt me because Angela hurt him, now I am cynical on love because he hurt me. Man I have been hurt before, and never came out this mean and hurtful to anyone. I always just kinda kept it locked in, ran to Kevin and cried. Then never really looked back. This is like a constant thing. I hate it. I need to totally rid my life of this cancerous growth. I need help with it. I just dont know how or where to get it. One day I hope that I am normal again.
Sunday, February 13, 2005
Green Day
J.A.R. (Jason Andrew Relva)
My friend drove off the other day,
And now he's gone and all they say,
Is you gotta live cause life goes on
But now I see i'm mortal too
I can't live my life like you
Gotta live it up while life goes on
And I think it's alright
That I do what I like cause that's the way I wanna live
And so I give
And i'm still giving
And now I wonder about my friend If he gave all he could give
Cause he lived his life like I live mine
If you could see inside my head
Then you'd start to understand
The things I value in my heart
You know that,
I know that,
Your watching me
Gotta make a plan
Gotta do what's right
Can't run around in circles
If you wanna build a life
But I don't wanna make a plan
For a day far away
While i'm young and while i'm able
All I wanna do is....
My friend drove off the other day,
And now he's gone and all they say,
Is you gotta live cause life goes on
But now I see i'm mortal too
I can't live my life like you
Gotta live it up while life goes on
And I think it's alright
That I do what I like cause that's the way I wanna live
And so I give
And i'm still giving
And now I wonder about my friend If he gave all he could give
Cause he lived his life like I live mine
If you could see inside my head
Then you'd start to understand
The things I value in my heart
You know that,
I know that,
Your watching me
Gotta make a plan
Gotta do what's right
Can't run around in circles
If you wanna build a life
But I don't wanna make a plan
For a day far away
While i'm young and while i'm able
All I wanna do is....
Green Day
Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)
Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to do.
So make the best of this test,
and don't ask why.
It's not a question,
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable,
but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs,
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
I hope you had the time of your life.
I hope you had the time of your life.
Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to do.
So make the best of this test,
and don't ask why.
It's not a question,
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable,
but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs,
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
I hope you had the time of your life.
I hope you had the time of your life.
Conclusion
Well Kevin called me early this morning. Like 2:30 or so. We talked for about an hour. Basically he talked, I listened. I asked a few questions. He played the Dr. Kevin role. I asked him when I had become closed off. He told me that with men it happened a long time ago. Starting with Gregg and his escapades with Hannah. Ok well I admit Gregg screwed me up mentally and he enjoyed jerking me around like a toy. Thats basically been my story sense. With a few exceptions. His conclusion was that if I dont start letting people in I will be losing them. As it is I dont know where it all started. I can be friends with some one forever but the minute it becomes more I dont know where my brain goes. It flew out the window I guess. Basically Kevin gave me the dont hurt anyone speech. Then gave his stamp of approval for James. Even though I havent told Kevin much about James other than how long we have been friends and the basics on how it all started. So I am baffled. Kevin never approves, the only time he did it turned out ugly. Dont care to discuss that. Anyways, Now that I feel better after talking to Dr. Kevin, I am gonna try to open back up. Hard stuff for me though.
Kevin also talked about his goals in life. Right now he says his biggest calling is making sure I become happy again. Ok he has been trying at that for years. Thats what your best friend is for. I think that I wont truly be happy until I allow myself to be. But some of the things he said made me cry. Very quietly of coarse. But he never knew I was crying. I dont know how he knew I needed to talk to him last night. But as always he had impeccable timing. I heard the phone ring and I was up fast. I mean my cell only rings that late for three or four people so yeah. But its nice to know that hes got my back. Even though he will come here and kick my ass if I dont stop shutting every one else out.
Kevin also talked about his goals in life. Right now he says his biggest calling is making sure I become happy again. Ok he has been trying at that for years. Thats what your best friend is for. I think that I wont truly be happy until I allow myself to be. But some of the things he said made me cry. Very quietly of coarse. But he never knew I was crying. I dont know how he knew I needed to talk to him last night. But as always he had impeccable timing. I heard the phone ring and I was up fast. I mean my cell only rings that late for three or four people so yeah. But its nice to know that hes got my back. Even though he will come here and kick my ass if I dont stop shutting every one else out.
My confession
It has been said you get two great loves in your life. I believe I have found one of mine. Yet I chose to be hard headed and closed off. I used to believe that Toby was it. Nope, wrong. He doesnt even qualify. I believe that my second great love is not of human type but of art. I love music and dance. Two talents I posess. Even if I dont flaunt them. Rarely does one hear me sing. I dance no longer. Those are two love affairs I will never fully put to rest. But they classify as art. This other great love of coarse is a person. Some one of great ability as a friend and as the one I love. I dont speak freely often on that. Sure I write how I love him. Yes I am open in telling you or anyone that. Love is just not my comfort zone. But he is of great importance to my heart. I unwittingly began a relationship with him in a friendly manner years ago. God put him in my path and there he has remained. Even when my best friends failed to understand. He has been there. For this I thank him. I also ask that he be as patient with me as he has always been. I know right now if a hard time for him, for different reasons it is hard for me also. I am reliving some pain right now that I dont freely speak of. Things that haunt me. But one day when I am ready I will reveal those things. The heartache of one year that damn near drove me to my limits. I was young yes, but I was hurting and unable to openly express it. This pain is around 9 years old. That entire year is one I wish to remain a mystery and only tell of the good times. It was the begining of the end in a period of my life. But one day I shall be more open. But to you, I only hope you know the truth. That truth being that I do love you. You and your friendship have meant more to me than I chose to let on. But I want you to know the depth of the love that goes behind my words. Even if my actions are not always evident of that love. I love you. I hope you know that.
Saturday, February 12, 2005
All about me
I am just kinda sitting around tonight. As most nights here lately, I have a head full of things that are getting to me. I have so much spinning around in my head. Trying to fix my own personal problems. Those that I talk to no one about. Those that I see as a flaw in my character. I picked up my Bible earlier but set it back down when I realized how unworthy I really am. I just dont know where to begin. I ask God to forgive me for these flaws that I cant change, yet he created in me for some reason. These flaws are ones I tend to hurt myself with. I am head strong and closed off. I kill my own spirit when I hurt other people. Its not like I plan to hurt them. It just happens. My heart is so hardened right now its pathetic. I have that soft spot of coarse. But few know where it is or how to get in. Occassionally I look and realize some one found that small enterance and managed to sneek in. By then its too far along for me to protect (hurt) myself, so that they cant see the pain with held. I know that is stupid. I have issues. I dont elaborate on them out of shame. Issues with my dad. We used to be quite close even though I really cant say I knew him well. Then I became unworthy in some way. He cut me out again. Fuck that I dont care anymore. Hes in that soft spot in my heart, theres no way to protect me from that pain. He is a character in my life of a vital role. Yet he remains a mystery to all of my friends save 5. Chelcie, April, Kevin, Kristy and James. He is hard to explain and rarely accepted. But he is my father. To be in my inner circle he has to be known about. I keep him locked away. Thats the way it shall remain. There are issues with in my heart. I have been hurt, twice. Both times threw my own stupidity. My own naieve nature. Yes I accept total responsiblity for my short comings. One is widely known and talked about on my blog on occassion and actually this blog was borne of that pain. The other was a personal pain. A failure on my part that I refuse to allow people into. I know my shortcomings. I know where I messed up. I know I was a bad person. Thats all there is to say about it. Another issue is concerning my own defensive nature. I love strongly when I do love. No matter who it is or what kind of love. Could be just a friend, a sibling, or romantically if that is how you want to label it. Though I have never been treated in any romantic nature. So I know nothing of that. Dont think I really want to. That way I cant get hurt again. I like sweet gestures, but prefer loving reassurance, as my self esteem varies from high to low. Generally it stays low. Lets face it, Im cute but Im not anything special. Something that has always been pointed out to me. I have my own style. Fuck you if you dont like it. I dont care. Keeps me from getting hurt. But the problem is when I love some one I tend to pull away. At the time I see it as for their own good. But then I realize that all I am doing is hurting me along with them. So see my pain is of my own doing. In all situations it has been my doing. Either I have closed myself off and forced them to turn to some one else or I have just shut them out. I get close to some one and if I dont let them go or push them out, more than not they get hurt. I have no desire to go threw another death. I keep isolated. I dont go out, make new friends often and I dont let people in! But I do love, rather stupidly most of the time but my love is real. Im a rather complicated and slightly contradicted soul. As I have said previously, it is all of my own doing. I dont know how else to be. So for any I may have hurt, I am sorry for my ways. I am sorry for the imperfections. I am trying. I just dont know how to be anyway else.
Life
Its my opinion that the world as a whole is screwed,
No one has a life that is worth adoration.
Every single person has some skewed aspect,
Some seen others kept well hidden.
We look at people and say,
"Gee I wish I could be more like them."
But they are probably just as defective as we are.
No ones perfect,
We all come out flawed and misunderstood.
More often than not life is like a Picaso painting,
You have to squint to see the beauty with held inside.
There is a true treasure deep inside of every person,
Often we dont take the time to find it.
It is sad that we base things on outward appearances,
Overlooking many jewels that are of a rough facade.
Life is like an un polished stone,
It must be cleaned and refined in order to bring out the beauty.
It is my prayer that one day we all stop being so shallow,
Give the less attractive a second look.
Everyone is worthy of a friend,
We all deserve love.
This is what life is about.
No one has a life that is worth adoration.
Every single person has some skewed aspect,
Some seen others kept well hidden.
We look at people and say,
"Gee I wish I could be more like them."
But they are probably just as defective as we are.
No ones perfect,
We all come out flawed and misunderstood.
More often than not life is like a Picaso painting,
You have to squint to see the beauty with held inside.
There is a true treasure deep inside of every person,
Often we dont take the time to find it.
It is sad that we base things on outward appearances,
Overlooking many jewels that are of a rough facade.
Life is like an un polished stone,
It must be cleaned and refined in order to bring out the beauty.
It is my prayer that one day we all stop being so shallow,
Give the less attractive a second look.
Everyone is worthy of a friend,
We all deserve love.
This is what life is about.
Protecting Feelings
Two souls formed a bond,
Seemingly unbreakable.
Tested and tried,
They withstood it all.
Knowing they werent promised forever,
They lived without a care.
Always assuming that they would be together,
Now one feels cheated,
As the other feels nothing.
One day hoping for a meeting,
The one that keeps them together forever.
But knowing that it will not come tomarrow,
The one in pain lives on.
Learning to be a person of little affection,
But not realizing how that affects the people around them.
Only showing love to few,
Seemingly feeling as little as possible for the others.
No feelings means no hurt,
At least thats what their logic tells them.
Little at a time,
Hurt fades but the love does not.
Knowing there is no promise of tomarrow,
They offer their heart to another.
This time trying not to make the same mistakes,
Loving as if it is all that matters.
Most importantly living again,
As if the world is for their taking.
Seemingly unbreakable.
Tested and tried,
They withstood it all.
Knowing they werent promised forever,
They lived without a care.
Always assuming that they would be together,
Now one feels cheated,
As the other feels nothing.
One day hoping for a meeting,
The one that keeps them together forever.
But knowing that it will not come tomarrow,
The one in pain lives on.
Learning to be a person of little affection,
But not realizing how that affects the people around them.
Only showing love to few,
Seemingly feeling as little as possible for the others.
No feelings means no hurt,
At least thats what their logic tells them.
Little at a time,
Hurt fades but the love does not.
Knowing there is no promise of tomarrow,
They offer their heart to another.
This time trying not to make the same mistakes,
Loving as if it is all that matters.
Most importantly living again,
As if the world is for their taking.
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