I blame me

It absorbs my thoughts some days,
Not so bad on others,
It makes me look at things with different eyes.
It calls to me sometimes,
Infact just about everytime I look into the face of a young child.
I see what I lost,
What God saw fit to not allow me.
Sometimes I thank him for the wisdom,
He knew what was ahead for me.
Sometimes I curse him for the opportunity he took,
Wishing I had the chance.
I looked at a baby the other day,
Imagined what mine would have looked like.
Haunting me night and day,
For the rest of my life,
Are the reasons behind it.
The circumstances that caused my greatest pain,
The great lesson I learned at anothers expense.
The life I cheated,
With out ever meaning to.
But I picked up all the alcohol that night,
Knowing full well what could happen.
I blame me,
Forever my conscience unclear.