Omaha

On Wednesay, December 5, 2007 at approximately 1:42 pm (CST), Robert Hawkins walked int the Von Maur store, in the Westroads Mall in Omaha, Nebraska. With him was an assault riffle and he used that to kill 8 people, and himself. These men and women all started their day thinking that it would be a normal, run of the mill day. But it wasnt. This deeply disturbed boy hurt so many more people than just the 8 that were killed that day.

I want to thank all of you who have called, texted, or emailed in the last week to check on my family and me. It is of great comfort to know that you all care. My family and I were luckily all at home, work or school at the time when the mall shootings here in Omaha occurred on Wednesday. My brother, Matthew, and I work less than a mile from the mall that this transpired in.

I just want to tell you all that I love you and thank you for being a friend to me. I have learned that every person who is in your life is there for a reason. Even if you rarely talk to them. Events like this let me know what a large support group I have. Though I was not personally affected by this in any way other than shock, disbelief and grief for these people I did not know.

You never think that a tragedy such as this one will ever happen so close to your home. Yet I live 10 minutes from the Westroads Mall. Matthew lives less than a 5 minute drive from it. It really gives you a wake up call to tell every one you love just how much you do love them.

I drive past the Westroads every day. This afternoon on the way to work, I could not help but cry. You see, people are leaving memorials infront of the Von Maur store, and it is visible from the road. Omaha has become my home, and I love this city. I have several friends who were in the store that day, who fortunately left the store before the shootings occurred. One of which walked out only 10 minutes before hand. Call it luck, fate or what ever you will. I will count my blessings that these friends are still here with us.

Its so easy to disconnect from the world when you see some random act of violence happen. We sit glued to our televisions and scour the internet for information about them. This boy, Robert Hawkins, said he was going to be famous. Unfortunately he is now, and he is famous for all the wrong reasons. Yet I feel nothing but pity on him. If some one had just taken the time to actually show him love and support, maybe this could have been stopped before he thought of it. It has really made me think about how I treat people. I sincerely hope it will do the same for every one who reads this.

I ask for the prayers of all of you, no matter what faith you chose to practice, for the families of the victims. They have a long road ahead of them to recovery. In particular I ask you for the prayers for the family of one of my co-workers. Her mom was an employee at Von Maur and was one of the victims, Beverly Flynn. Though I do not know her, nor do I know that I have met the daughter, she is a part of my Marriott family.

With each breath you take, remember that you are not ensured another. Live with out regrets and remember to let those you love know it. You never know when you will or if you will see them again. I for one will hold on a little tighter to my loved ones from now on. Thank you.

warning, this is emotional for me...

Have you ever known some one whose life touched yours in a way that you can not explain? Well I have. You know that person who is just your friend, not the person you married or the person you have some lifetime connection with. I mean some one who came into your life for a season, like a coworker or a teacher. That is the kind of person I will be telling you about today.

About two years ago, I moved to the department I am in now at work. This is when I met him for the very first time. He was off in his little corner working on the disaster bulletin as we had just had a hurricane and needed to keep updated information on our hotels. So I thought to myself that he was a very hard worker and kind of kept to himself. Then I started to get to know him and learned there was a wonderful person sitting next to me.

A few months into my endeavor at the lead desk, my friend became ill. To be honest he had been ill a long time, but this was new to me. I never knew that he was sick, to be honest it wouldnt have made a difference in our friendship. So I sent get well cards and such and in a month or so he was back to work and we were picking on him about all the pills he was taking. He was such a good sport about it all.

One afternoon he walked up to me and had that usual sly grin on his face. I said "Ok now what are you up too?" He just grinned and poked me in the side. To this he says " You know that I am gay right?" Well yeah I knew, so then he just laughs like it was a huge secret, "I think you have the cutest figure." That actually made me blush a little.

I worked on two committees with him. That was the Birthday and Team Building Committees. He was always there making me laugh while we worked on projects.

Some of my favorite memories of him were when we would be in a meeting and he would lighten the mood a little with a story. In particular I loved to hear him talk about telling his mom he was gay. She just sat there and clicked her finger nails and said "guess I wont be getting any damned grand kids from you." He did the funniest impression of her.

One afternoon we were under a tornado warning and the managers put us all under our desks. I am famous for my fear of these storms at work. David got up and walked around, when a manager walked by and told us to get under our desks again, he responed with "Well Im gonna die one day anyways so I think I will stay here." This I have to admit cracked me up a bit. But at that point I had no idea how ill he really was. I still have a picture I took with my cell phone of him that day.

I remember the last time I saw him at work. I had been ill. (I guess part of me will always feel guilty for hugging him that day, even though the illness had nothing to do with me.) He had been having some problems and was not feeling so well but I guess part of me knew it. The next afternoon Iheard some one say that he was slurring words and such that afternoon and was going to the doctor for some tests. I was worried some what and called my mom to ask for some prayer.

The next week was a bit of a challenge at work, I began hearing things like he was on an extended medical leave. Then one evening I was in Alpha and our "bat phone" rang. It was him. He was just calling cause he wanted to say hello. I talked a bit and he filled me in on just how bad it really was.

Then in the end of April we got the email telling us that if we wanted to see him again where we needed to go visit. To please do it sooner rather than later, he only had a few weeks to live. So a few of us sat to work and gave the team a project. Why send real flowers when we could make him some. So our team (work) made him paper flowers.

The morning of May 9th, I got the call from my boss. He had passed over the last night. I just kind of sat there in disbelief. Even at work I refused to really cry. It wasnt until the funeral, when they began to speak that I broke down. My friend Christy held my hand through it. We cried together as a team and as friends that day. He made our world a better place to be.

My friend was David Cantrell. I know that he was not some one I knew for a long time, nor that well. But he was some one that made a lasting impression on me and who never ceased to make me smile. There really should be more David's in this world.

**** Im sorry if this story jumps around and is a little out of place. It took me forever to figure out just how to say you love some one who never knew it.

Proud to be me

Well lets see. Where to start. My life is going well. I am loving it right now. Theres not much I would change at this point. I talked to Chana yesterday! Oh it was so nice to hear from my sister in law, even though hes not mine and nor do I wish him to be anymore. I feel bad for him almost. Toby has lost his ever loving mind. Poor guy. I know why he does it. He wants something I refused. I said no children til after I was married. He wanted them like yesterday at that point. So since we severed ties a year ago almost he has been engaged not only one nasty ho bitch but now two. You would think that he would have learned. This one is the very one who put his heart in a meat grinder and turned him into the hurt filled man he is and has been since he was a young man. Not that hes old. But when I met him they had been apart for about 5 years so we are gonna say around 10 years later (now) he is engaged to this woman he couldnt stand to hear the name of. Personally I cant say that she was my favorite person in those four years. My resentment for this woman was very immense. Until recently anyways. When I let go of all the resentment and hate that was there fore dragging me down. Yes Angela hurt him. He used it as his way to get out of commitment for a long time. It wound up taking a large peice of my mortality. I mean hello, I tried to put my car in to a guard rail, large tree, and drove in excess of 100 mph down dirt roads in the rain to try to hit something. I wanted to die. All because this man no longer wanted me in his life.
Well... Anyways I talked to pretty miss Chana. It hurt to know that her brother, who had my heart and soul for so long, is living the life that he should know better than to be living. But what am I supposed to say? Other than I just dont have the care to hurt anymore. I mean I guess in some way he was my first big love. So a part of me will always love him. Though I dont love him at all. Yet I prayed last night that God send him an angel. The one that will turn his life around. This man of such strong family value is no longer that. When we broke up he practically disowned them all. That wasnt right. Yes I realize they were hard on him on my behalf. They still are, and I love those women. They mean alot to me. What I wouldnt have given last summer to be the girl that was flashing that engagement ring around. But God spared me finding out after years of marriage and children that this man was not faithful. For this I should thank him, though I wish he could have just let me hurt so much less.
On behalf of the pain that was inflicted on my heart, I have hurt at least one great man in my life. James for this I am very sorry. I know I had trust issues. But when I lost you I lost more than just a man I was deeply in love with. I lost a friend whom I trusted more than anything. I wont say I dont still love James. I just have it in me now to not be in love. To be just me. Not rely on the man I am attatched to for strength. This I relied on you too much for. It was unfair of me to ask you to carry all that weight. But you were fair and just. Always making sure I knew that you loved me. I hope one day we will be as close as we were before the love entered the picture. I will never quite give up that hope.
Out of fear of hurt and attatchment I run and hide alot. Some one else has taken the place of that significant person in my life. Even though its not even really a relationship in that manner. I have come to look forward to my late night wake up calls, and my bouts of insomnia. I cant wait to tell him when something happens. He talks me like no one else really ever has. I thouroughly enjoy him. I know I make myself hard to be around, but he manages to sail right on through my bullshit. That takes alot. He makes me feel good about myself and sees through all the hurt and gives me honesty. Hes blunt when need be. That I need alot trust me! He worries sometimes when I get quiet. Because he, like many before him, has figured out that when Im too quiet theres probably something big on my mind. He will ask what it is. No matter what I say he gives me honest truth. I manage to make it through that deep personal moment with just that shove.
Then theres the friends I have made lately. Paul, my evil new big brother. Who says lets sit and talk. Tell me all about the new events in your life. I fill him in on everything. He laughs and tells me im a mess. Then gives me his take. I do the same with him. Krys and Kara, My girls. Krys tells me what she thinks but from a perspective that is unlike anyone elses. She has been there and through just about everything taht is hurting me inside. I love her for this. Kara is my girl. Shes at work. We sit and talk and open up. I love having girls. I always had more guys.
My life is going in that proper direction. For the first time in a long time I can honestly say I am proud of who I am becoming. Where life may take me I dont know yet, but I know that Im making decisions for me now. Not for the man in my past, like I did all those years.

What I Was

I once had hopes and dreams,
That now seems so long ago.

I once had wishes and whispers,
But screams and loss replaced them.

I smiled and laughed before,
Then you introduced tears and pain.

I had a firm grasp on reality,
Now I am left reaching for the truth.

Meaning and reason was all I knew,
Until you squashed it like bug on the wall.

Life was wine and roses,
But some how that turned to mold and dead leaves.

I was optimistic and loving,
But you destroyed that.

Trust was a way of life,
You took that from me too.

Now I am putting back together this puzzle that you made,
Trying to find a glimpse of the girl you destroyed.

When innocence and purity was a part of who I was,
But you took that from me along with my free will.

I regret laying my eyes on you,
But you taught me to watch who I trust.

I would take it all back if I could,
But I know I cant and I fault only myself for wasting years and tears on you.

That time of year again

This week will be hard for me. I have alot to keep my mind off of it though. I hate Mothers Day. My mom respects it though. Not her favorite day of the year either for much the same reason. Its hard for a woman who doesnt have her little child to hold to celebrate a day when they get no recognition because the world doesnt see them as a mother. Even though it is threw no fault of her own. Well im my case I do so blame my self. Yes three years later I still feel as if this is my own damn fault. I didnt ask for my baby to not make it. But I am the one that willingly took those drinks. Yeah what a loving mother right? Enough of the blame for now. I just really am going to loathe the end of the week. Its one of the hardest days of the year for me. Yes I know that God took my child for a reason. Didnt allow me to ever know that joy. But it hurt both of us. Toby and I both hurt. He was more excited than anyone I think. I mean only he, Kristy and I knew. But thats not the point. We were waiting for the Christmas and New Years holidays to be over with before we were to make our big announcement. But alas it never happend. Sure several people know now. But I hurt still. I dont know about him. He always played with every one elses babies and took one death in particular extremely hard after we lost ours. But I understand that. Its never fair for a baby to die. That is just the biggest tragedy I believe anyone can suffer. I find my self wondering how some women deal with it. I mean here three years later I still cant. I still have trouble playing with babies. But yet never had a problem with Sherry Gales little boy. Nope not at all. And that was only 5 months after my miscarriage. Infact it helped to heal a bit. Here I am awaiting the news from the doctors office on Tuesday for my best friend, doing the baby boy dance, thinking God I wish I were so lucky. Shes an amazing mother. I wish I could have had that chance. But I see now why God said no. I wasnt ready. I would be involved in a hell of a custody battle right now and no where near happy. But still. I guess at some point I have to stop hurting. But when will that happen?? For now heres a show of acknowledgement for all you mothers who are not considered to be mothers.

I wont lose this time.

Some times the pain is too much. I think I wont get threw. But guess what I always do. I dont know how some times, but I do it. So why cant all the heartbreak and pain go away now? It would be nice if the past would stop following me around like a lost puppy dog. I once surrendered my heart and soul to him. Its gonna be a long time before I can regain control of my heart. But I did that. I own that. I believe it is important to own your problems. I own that problem above most. I am tooo easily affected. My "affection" is that I see the good in some one, ignore the bad and get fucked up and hurt. I see what exactly is not right, but I chose to believe it cant touch me. I alluded pain for four years. Now the crap has snuck back up on me. I allow this to penetrate my entire life. I cant get past my pain. I add new pain to it. One day I will be a whole person. But will I ever be fulfilled? No probably not. I know what I want. I know I cant have it. I know not how to get it even if I could. I am being lied to by some one I love. They just dont know I caught on. They dont know I can show them the proof. But I refuse to lose. I will hold my chin high and play nice. I will not lose....

I knew this would happen.

Seems Im not quite as strong as I have always thought myself to be. I always thought that I would be able to handle it if he called. Now I know hes getting close. I know hes trying to find me. I knew he had been asking around about me. But he called Kristy. Toby needs to leave me alone. Why does he think I want anything to do with him? Why doesnt he just forget my name and get on with his life. I have fought that battle already. I thought I had it won. But I lost sleep in a major fashion last night, wishing I had some one to talk to. I talked to Leigh Ann for a bit. Of coarse right now she is my go to girl. But Im still really picky about what anyone knows on my current emotional state. But I needed to really talk. I informed my family not to divulge my where abouts. Kristy told hers. I swear I will run off if he comes here. I will not allow some one who was so toxic to my soul to reenter my life in any form. Besides Im not in anyway wanting to explore the possibilities of pain again. Thats exactly what would happen. I dont know that I am strong enough to face him down. I just dont think I could do it. Not and be mentally and emotionally healthy in the end. The road to recovery with him was too hard. There are infact some areas I am still not recovered from. They destroyed the best thing that ever happend to me. I accept that responsibility. I know my insecurities killed the relationship I had with James. Im still tip toeing on thin ice with him. I feel as though I may permanently guard my heart now. Through no fault of his own, I hurt him and it ended up hurting me. I dont care how many times I tell him its not his fault I will always believe this was entirely my doing. No one can convince me other wise. I accept my part in it. I have to. Other wise what kind of friend and girl friend was I?

Oh the mystery of Me.

I have my good days and my bad days. Today its all been weighing on me. I talked to Hope earlier. She was funny. I know how alone I am. It is possible to be alone when you have people who love you around every corner. This I am finding out the hard way. On the surface and all the places it really counts, I am happy. Truely happy. On my personal level Im still on that emotional thrill ride. Good way to put it huh. I picked up the phone to call a friend who shall remain nameless. Immediately I knew I couldnt go threw with it. I would have froze up upon hearing that voice. The past tends to bite me in the ass on occassion. Thats my peice of it for today. I hurt the ones I love with my version of my personal truth. I know that the wait they all go threw to have a glimpse of life with me is not worth it. So on a normal basis I tell them that. But then my heart stupidly involves itself. I should really put a muzzle and a leash on that damn blood pumper. Thats what gets me hurt anyways is taking it off. Letting it out to play. I place my feelings on a table to be evident, its ok for a while. Then BOOM! Theres a mess. That was infact my heart exploding. The breaking of it was so loud you would have had to been deaf not to hear it. No Im not talking about anyone in particular. So stop that. Stop thinking it. Im speaking in general. My heart never healed when Nana died, never healed with Toby. James is just a little added to it that I dont really want to elaborate on. My feelings may never change where he is concerned. But they will stay well in check and burried in order for me to maintain what means most to me, his friendship. I could have stopped all this before it ever started. I could have left it all unsaid. But now that I cant take any of that back, why should I deny it? I will tell you why I wont and why it will stay unspoken to the masses. I would rather have my dear friend and confidant for the rest of my life than have an old love that I feel disgust for. Plain and simple thats just how it is.

Ever get to a point in life where you feel left behind? I get there sometimes. Im actually there now. Not that I feel insufficient for it but I have a bit of longing for the security that goes with it. My two best girl friends are getting married. Ones having another baby. Im still just me. I have nothing or none to go home to at night. Nothing in particular to look forward to. I realize its socially acceptable to be at the place I am at in life right now. But its not personally acceptable. I have no love left in my heart. Its all taken. I dont think I could fit another single soul or partial in my heart. Thing is I really only love a few people. The love I do feel is deep and emotional. Yet my heart aches. Im learning all over again how to see everything from a fresh prospective. I dont know where or how my heart will find this peace it so craves, but it needs to heal. I have so many wounds I have left untreated that it is pathetic. I am finding a new one daily. I need to be refreshed. But is that possible? Only time will tell. Im feeling a little out of sorts for this moment. Dont ask why, I couldnt explain it if I tried. Im just a girl with a soul still searching for a place to call home.

Dear Zach

Next... I have been so blah today. No energy. Then again I spent the better part of the last 24 hours in bed. I slept better last night than I have in a while. No disturbing dreams, no ghosts. The one haunting me right now is a double whammy. Zach go away. Stop visiting me like that. I know where I screwed up. I dont need you telling me about it boy. Dont you have a sister or some one to harass. Its been nine years do you still have to be the voice of reason. I know it only happens when Kevin and I avoid the bullshit. I know it only happens when I am not being open with him. But Im not hiding him. It just hurts too much to talk. Jeeze, Zach. I wonder what would have happend had we all just done what we were supposed to that day. I know that not every one realized how good of friends we were. How couldnt we be, there was Tara for pete sake. She was my big sister, your girlfriend then ex. You know what still bugs me though man?? We for no reason acted as if we were mad at you. Shouldnt have done that. We just liked to irritate you. Had I known that was gonna be the last time I would see you, I woulda hugged your neck or begged you not to go to the bayou. Cant quite look at that place the same. Still cant believe you came back for Jed. I bout fell out my chair, no Im lying I did fall out of it, when Rose told me about the accident. Cody was so hurt. I wonder if you know how much you shaped the way our student body depended on each other.

Its getting up on that time of year again man. April 24th I believe. Of coarse Im trying to remember off the top of my head. We burried you on Melissa's birthday. That much I remember clearly. Those two days at school though they were a blur. I remember leaving class a few times. I remember sitting in the hallway with Kevin and Figgy. Instead of being in Choir singing, getting ready for your memorial. I didnt go man. I went on that stupid field trip that weekend. You were burried on a Saturday. Me, Jessica, Melissa, the other Melissa, Jenny, Tisa, Emily, Bobby, and Keith gathered into a room on our retreat and had our own memorial. Our parents were with us. Mrs. Stripling even said some things. But you were the first in a long string of death for me that year. Dood its been 9 years. Can you believe that shit? Look at me sitting here typing to you as if you can some how hear my words. Never thought I would do that. Gosh your sister got to be a pretty thing. Oh and Tara's baby sister, Maegan, tell her whats up for me. You came and got her too. Tore Tara up you know. Shes in the military now. From what I understand she loves it. God I miss her.

I think about you alot. Wishing that I had just been a better friend. Not that I ever did anything to you. But Im sure you know what I mean. Damn man things have really just gone to the dogs. Oh did I tell you Kevin joined the military? Yeah hes a Marine now. Im proud. He really grew up. I wish I could. Im working on it man. I moved from Texas to Nebraska, just trying to find my way. I havent been to see you in a long ass time. I promise next time I am in Houston, first bit of time I get, I will drop by. Gotta see you, maybe stop and see Jerid too. Dood that cemetary probably ought to have me in it too. But you boys saved me more often than not. I guess thats why David and I got so close. Some one needed to pull my butt out of trouble after everyone had graduated. Of coarse you know I never hung much with my own age group. Had no choice that last year. But I loved it anyways. David and Kevin came back to support me. David was at all my events. I do mean all of them. God I miss him. I miss my boys what can I say? Im gonna shut up now Im sure the people reading this are thinking I have lost my mind talking to some one who died years ago. But dood stop showing up in my dreams and I wont resort to it... Love is there for the taking you just have to chose to take it...

Today

Life is about the relationships you have. If you chose to seclude yourself you chose lonliness. I wonder if that is what I do. I wonder if I chose to be alone. I mean I can look back and watch my life. I can see several places where I choose to be alone. But why I do it I will never know. I think for me it is about protection. Years and years ago I got a taste of what it was to lose someone. Left one hell of a bitter taste in my mouth. If ya dont go near the water you cant drown, right? Wrong. I avoid the "water" at all costs. Hurts me good too. Being independant is not about being alone. So why do I think that my independance will never include anyone else?

Next up for bid... Kevin and I talked for a good while last night. Good thing he is two hours behind me on the time thing. He knows the basics. Didnt ask any questions. Thats a first. I told him that we were gonna end up two old folks sitting in rocking chairs at some retirement home talking bout how we could have been so much more. Swapping the "well if you had just butt out" speaches. Truth is though we wouldnt have it any other way. Truth is that we are just an odd pair. May never live with out each other, just never with each other. That would be toooooo wrong. Mom was listening to Kevin and I talk. It was hard to miss I was at the kitchen table eating for the first time in a day or so. Damn being sick sucks. Well anyways. Mom said that Lisa had gotten the impression that James and I had broken up. I just looked at her and said "we did." Tried to go on with my conversation with Kevin. Well she asked what happend, why she didnt know. I just looked at her and said "some times you just gotta let 'em fly." Looked back down at my food and listened to Kevins latest love drama. Bitch better watch out. I dont like whats going on and I generally get the appropriate feelings on that. Never have liked any of them. Hurt him, your on my hate list.

I feel so yucky....

Well I came down with some kinda stomach bug last night. Gee havent I felt great. No. It has really sucked actually. I spent the majority of today in bed, or the floor. Where ever I felt the most comfortable at the moment. I feel so bad Kristy called me last night. She had such good news and immediately she asked me what was wrong. Ok well she had talked to Hope but still. I refuse to cry to anyone. So I held it all in and told her exactly what had happend. Told her the stupid shit I had said. She didnt know what to say. Maybe what I need is time to have only me to worry about. I made her laugh though. I told her all about mine and Chana's conversation the other night. I just hope that he stays away from Leon County. Hes already got enough people mad at him. Heaven help us all if Kevin ever finds him. I got that great and beautiful account the other night. Havent talked to Kevin since Sunday. I need to call him. I need to see him. I need the care that so far out of all the men in my life, Kevin has been the only one to give me. Most people dont get us. Theres no attraction. Though we act as familiar as an old married couple. God I miss him. I havent made any real friends yet. I mean none my age. I have Cheryl. Shes twice my age, great to talk to though. Theres Sarah. But shes my brothers girl friend. Other than that I have met no one my own age. Well actually I havent met anyone my age. Thats cool though. I never did hang much with kids my own age. Kevin is 6 months older than me, Kristy 6 younger, April 2 months. Thats the extent of friends my age. I think my mom kinda has an idea that James and I arent together anymore. But she knows me well enough to know that I dont want to talk about it. Kristy said I can call anytime. But I dont want to ruin her good vibration. God Im so happy for her. Joey proposed. April's getting married, in april. Theres just me and Kevin left now. I dont think the two of us will ever get married, to anyone. Nope. At least me. Kevins one of those guys a girl would die to have one of. But like me, he keeps getting hurt. Keeps getting real good hurt. The two of us could write a book. I swear to God neither of us ever really hurt until we werent around each other. It was after the two of us started living in different states that that shit started happening. But gee could we point out the bull shit. Always could. Ok well I am gonna go face up to him. Talk more later. If I feel good enough that is.

Today I went with my mom to this thing that a few of her friends have every week. Basically they all sit around and talk and work on projects. Anyways, I got frustrated with the project I was working on and put it down. Cheryl and I started talking. Cheryl is 50 so she is a little more than double my age. But I got more out of talking to her than anyone so far. She asked how it all was going. I told her I was ok. She just kinda looked at me. Asked if there was something wrong. I told her what all was going on. Included the idiotic bullshit I had done to "help" it all along. Told her that I though I had managed to run off the one person that I cared the most for. She talked to me for a good while. All the while I tried so damn hard not to cry. The more I think about the things she said the more I know she was right. I told her EVERYTHING. I never open up to people I dont know. Ive only talked to Cheryl maybe three times. So this was interesting that I did this. She told me that she believed that I just need some time to have no one but me to worry about. Even if that means hurting in the process. From every thing she knew from my mom about me she said that I had given too much to other people and stopped worrying about me too long ago. Now how in the hell did she know that. I generally dont care about me, I worry about every thing and everyone around me. I worry about how every one else is. What I can do to help them. Ok so I need to work on self help. I agree. But I hurt James. I had no right to do that. I am a little more than sensitive when it comes to my heart. I foolishly jump to conclusions. I hurt the people I love the most. I hate me for that. I hate the fact that I hurt the person I love the most. In trying to guard my own heart I hurt the one person I love the most. I cant express fully the way that makes me feel. I wasnt a good friend. I am a bad friend. I see that now. One day I hope to be a good friend again. Most of all I pray that James will find it in his heart to forgive me. All I ever have wanted from him is the one thing he always gave. But I was too blind to see it.

i want to scream!!!

I am throwing in the towel. I dont think love is worth this shit. All I want to do is go sit in my closet and cry. I have Hope to talk to. I dont even want to go there and call Kevin. NO I refuse to call Kevin. I refuse to tell him I messed up a friendship by getting involved. Im pretty sure thats whats gonna happen. Oh I want to go cry. I dont know what to say anymore. Ive never been quite good enough. Im pretty sure thats what it all comes down to. Fuck it! Just some one else giving up on me. They usually do.

my fight with God.

Here it is plain and simple. I dont care who I offend. But heres my fight with God right now....

God,
You know threw good and bad even when I am kicking and screaming, I have trusted you. Yes you gave me free will. But its the free will of others that you keep allowing to wound me. Why is it that you feel the need to test me so??? Why do you give me something precious then take it away? Why do you allow me to be hurt? Why am I satans toy??? For once cant you tell him to go pick on some one else. Let me have that silly little bubble of happiness that I have rarely experienced. I need that peace in my life right now. I am trying so hard to be normal. I am trying so hard to find your will. But all the bad stuff makes me wonder why you want me to question you so. My hands are shaking, my stomach is in knots. Kinda like when I wanted those darn pain pills so bad. But I dont have to tell you that, your God. You know every thing. So please quit letting me hurt. I am sick of crying. My red-rimmed eyes stay hidden in day light. I am far too vulnerable to let it show. I allowed you to lead me to a new place thinking I would feel the pain leave me. Positive is what I need not more pain. So far I have positive but personal pain is growing more every day. Cant you just give me a pill to make all the pain disappear. I believe I had that one time. But you told me to quit and I did. I obeyed. Immediately I found a new addiction that lasted too many years, caused too much pain. Stop letting me do that! I prayed about it all and talked to Kevin like I always do. You usually put the right answer in him. He was a gift right?? So why did I get the advice I needed that wont work? Why do you have me doubt every thing around me?? Why do you tell me to put my trust in love then tell me its not gonna happen? I tell you what, God, I give up. Let satan continue his screwed up games. Let me keep crying. I just dont have the will power to fight it anymore. Seems when you created me it was someone elses lesson you had in mind. Teach them how much one person can withstand. Teach them how bad a girl can hurt before she turns into an unfeeling skeleton. Well God, Im there. I still have a little but not much feeling to give. So take it. Break me. All it will take now is one good hit. Go ahead I will give you the baseball bat.

I wonder why

It baffles me. I am scared to death of ever having children. That is a legitimate fear. Not the having children part but the gestation period. Actually being pregnant. As I have experienced breifly things can go wrong. I cant say I really know what it is to be pregnant. Hell I only knew about three weeks when I lost that. I was around 3 months pregnant. Gauging from certain things that are a tell tell. Well for the last three years I have been shy of the idea of ever having kids. The right kid just sets me off. I will lock my self in a room and cry for hours. I will not be able to explain what is going on. But I will just cry and cry. I will drive myself insane. Thinking about how right now I should have about a two year old child. I have my days when I thank God for the wisdom that he showed by allowing that bit of pain to enter my life. I say it has really caused me to grow. Although I did slip in my faith quite a bit after that. Then there are days like today. I was at church this morning. This young couple walked past holding a baby. First thing that went threw my mind was, I want one. Then I realized what I was thinking. It was all I could do not to show my emotions. We were at a store buying cards the other day when I realized I wasnt reading the card I had been holding for about five minutes. No I was looking at my feet. I was staring at a little baby sleeping in a carrier. I just kinda smiled sadly at the mom and told her that her little boy was beautiful. So see theres alot going on in my head that I dont talk about. Sure I have previously let it be known that this pain is in my heart. But I never really talk about it. I hate January. I hate the memories that go along with it. I hate that when I was hurting the most my boyfriend left me and didnt come home for a month. During my biggest time of need during those four years he was only 20 minutes away and didnt come to see me once. Being stupid and not realizing that I should have left him then, I stayed. I watched him grow attatched to our friends kids. I never let them in. Katherine was my one exception and actually a shocker for myself was in June that year I let Trace in. He was the prettiest baby. Still is I can bet. He is the son of my friend Sherry Gail. When she lost her husband I helped her with him. Never revealing why it meant what it did to me. Trace was only two months old. She was only 19. But she could see my need for attatchment and would come calling when she couldnt get him to sleep or needed a babysitter. She would call and come over for no reason. We would watch movies. I would feed Trace and let her sleep. He became my buddy. I dont know why I let go of that though. It was very healing for me. But its a wound I think will only heal on the day I actually have one of my own. That is really all I want. Just one. Two if I can but one would be enough to heal a big hole in my heart. Not that I expect anyone to understand that. But still. I have wishes. I have dreams. But most of all I have a need. A need to be fulfilled. But I dont want my children to hurt the way I have. I dont want to put them through divorce, custody battles, all that bull shit. I want to have a normal life. I want to be normal. I want to have a family that shows each other love. My family did for a while. Dont ask me what happend. I dont know. But it all kinda went to shit and is just now getting normal again. With the exception of the fact that my parents dont care much for each other and my dad is a jerk. Ok Im being harsh again. But I am the way I am and I dont know how else to be.

Ahh the workings of me.. I suck dont I??

I am bored. I havent really felt too hot all day. I still dont feel too good. I bet I sleep well though. Thats gonna lead to me getting up earlier in the morning. Just like I did this morning, even though I sat up talking to Kevin way too late. Doesnt matter I will do that any day of the week, thats what friends are for. Though I think I got the best deal out of the conversation last night. Anyways Im not looking forward to this great holiday today. I hate Valentines day. I just dont see why we need it. Plus every time some one celebrates it with me bad shit happens. It is like the kiss of death for me. I hate it. Besides shouldnt you celebrate love every day and not just on a day when every one in the world is. I just dont get it. Too comercialized for me. Besides I hate that mushy shit. Just another reason to spend way too much money. I dont know I guess in a way the romance thing isnt my thing. Then again Ive never really experienced it. The most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me most wouldnt consider romantic. But it was sweet. And they dont even realize that I was awake to know it. He kissed my forehead when he thought I was asleep. I just played it off like I was asleep. No ones ever done that. NO ONE. Ive never been one that guys have taken the time to get to know. They see me and think, "hmm bet I can get into her pants." Then they find out Im not like that. They give up. Im not gonna have sex with them so they dont want me. Nothing new. Happend more times than I like to tell. So forgive me for not being a ho. I have one thing of great value that God gave me. Thats my body. I abused it for four years. Let some one have what they wanted and got stomped on. I dont plan on letting that happen again. No thank you. Sex is now reserved for when I am married. Because one thats the way it was intended and two by the time Im married to them I know it isnt about just sex. Or at least it better not be. Im slightly old fashioned. A little on the shy side. No Im lying Im extremely shy. I mean I act up, get loud and rowdy, and have fun. But when it comes to men I am not direct in the fact that I am flirting. Unless it has progressed over some time. Trust me it takes some time. One exception to that rule, and well he messed my head over so bad I dont know who I am sometimes. I was stupid what can I say. I could write a whole blog on why I hate Toby. What the bastard did to me. How screwed up I am now. Would be kinda therapeutic. But Im not gonna do it. I figure it wouldnt do anyone any good. I have a personal journal. I think I will keep those thoughts in there. Because in that journal it wont be called slander. I always swore I wouldnt turn into him. He hurt me because Angela hurt him, now I am cynical on love because he hurt me. Man I have been hurt before, and never came out this mean and hurtful to anyone. I always just kinda kept it locked in, ran to Kevin and cried. Then never really looked back. This is like a constant thing. I hate it. I need to totally rid my life of this cancerous growth. I need help with it. I just dont know how or where to get it. One day I hope that I am normal again.

Ok so I am not in the best of moods. I am putting my life into a slight perspective. I have Kristy and Lisa that I cant have in the same house obviously. So I am guessing that I have to chose to be happy with them. I am thinking the only way to have them both means I cant be anywhere near either of them. I have Kristy mad because Lisa spent the weekend. No I dont find this fair. Shes my sister, am I supposed to turn her out??? No and I wont. She originally was gonna stay with Gabby. But she stayed here. No big deal. But I have been all but ignored unless a reason comes up to be spoken to since. I dont know why this shit cant just be layed to rest. IT WAS ALL MY FUCKIN FAULT!!!!!!! I am the one that said the stupid remark that neither can forgive. I am the one that caused all this shit. So be mad at me not each other! I get mad at her family but I dont make every one else uncomfortable! I am bout sick of the shit between Lisa and Kristy. Get mad at me guys and stop this shit. I am the one that is to blame. I had a bad enough week losing Pepper. Now I have to deal with Kristy being mad at me because Lisa stayed here. From now on I just wont have company since I guess I dont have that right? I didnt know that I couldnt. But since it causes a problem to have a family member around I wont have anyone else. And if I do I will go waste the fuckin money on a hotel. That way I dont have to deal with a best friend who wont talk to me and a sister who is uncomfortable making me feel like shit. My stress level over the last few days is sky rocketing! I dont know how much more I can take. This bull shit has to stop some where and I am dead serious about that. If it doesnt I am leaving. To where I will go, I dont know. But I cant deal with it anymore. Its gone on far long enough.

Pepper Lewis

On December 23, 2004 my dear Pepper Lewis left me. He was three years old as of the 16th. He was my little boy. He was a dog but so much more than a dog. I recieved him when he was 2 weeks old. He did not know he was a dog. I loved him very dearly. In a time when I needed something to take care of to keep my mind off of my inablitities, he kept me company and gave me purpose. Less than a month after I recieved Pepper Lewis I suffered a miscarriage. I chose to keep discretion in this. Most of the people and my family do not know of this. Hope, Lisa and Mom all know. Where my family is concerned that is all. Tobys family never did know. Two of his sisters know. But it was revealed to them only years later. Pepper was special to many people but he was a life saver for me. I do not know nor do I care how the people reading this see my pain. Most will say he was a dog move on get a new one. No I will not. It will be years if ever before I own another dog. Or any animal for that. For attachment that can cause physical pain is not in my agenda. I have one and only one attachment of personal choice for the moment. That is all I want and need. James you have been wonderful thank you for letting me cry on you the other night. Doug laid Pepper in the ground on Christmas day out on the property that belongs to the Johnson family. This way anytime I want I can always have access to go visit him. Yes I do plan on doing it. He loved Doug. He and Doug were good buddies. I gave Doug his black spiked collar. I am currently wearing his that I put on him last week around my wrist. It is brown leather with spikes and a name tag and his phone number on it. I feel the need to have him close to me and this was his and attached to him. So I feel him. The one he wore most frequently, the harley davidson one, is currently in my car around the rear view. Mom is going to have that one. Pepper was a very animated animal. He loved to play. He would run all over the place. He was so hyper. Like mother like son I guess. If some one said "Pepper wheres mommy?" he would litterally go looking for me. The vet told me the dog had no idea I wasnt his mom. Hell I doubt he knew he was a dog. Pepper Lewis you take a big peice of my heart baby boy. I will forever miss you singing to me. Our tug of war games with the dish towels, the game we played with the covers that made you growl. I will miss sharing my snacks with you. I know you loved hot cheetos. One of your favorite snacks. God you loved riding in the car. That was always so much fun to do with you. Then on Monday when you finally learned the word sit. That was so cute. You were so beautiful. I love you baby boy. You will always be with mommy. Thank you for teaching me how to love with out limits. You will never be replaced in my heart.

Visions of White Dodges

Over the coarse of the night I had the same huge white diesel dodge pickup truck come threw my parking lot and sit four times. The damn thing was so much like Tobys new truck I just wanted to cry. The one time it about knocked the breath out of me.. Every time I start doing good something reminds me of him. Katherine asked me a ton of questions the other night. That about broke me. She wants him home for her birthday. What I cant make her understand that I cant do that for her. God I still love him. Why do I have to be the one to hurt? I want my life back. I want to stop being the shell of a person that I am currently. Any time a guy asks for my number I shoot him down. Like I am not single or something. But my heart still completely belongs to some one else and I am hurting. No matter what I say to myself I cant get past a future that was planned and ready to happen.. How is it that when you have something that is so perfect it can get screwed up in a blink of an eye? I have just about stopped sleeping until I am so worn out I have to sleep. Otherwise I am haunted in my dreams causing me to wake up crying. I know the people around me are worried but God what am I supposed to say? I am feeling alone, cast aside, and I have this deep rift in my heart and soul I dont that will ever heal... Mom keeps telling me that it does go away. That the pain will fade. That one day I will realize its gone. What if that never happens because he was the one true love of my life? I think I have been passed up for an opportunity that another woman took in such a short time that I just want to go lay in the middle of the road somewhere. I know though that I would not be doing anyone a favor with that so it would be a waste of time. Im so scared that now I will be alone for the rest of my life. You know I used to love bed time. Now I dread it. I know hes cuddled up to that woman and well I crawl in to an empty cold bed wishing he was here. I am so damned pathetic. I cant even get past a man that stomped on my heart and killed my spirit. Instead I find myself wishing it was all a bad dream. God I wish that my life would start looking up. I cant handle much more. I am on the verge of a break down. I am trying to drown out all the ideas of Christmas and Thanksgiving and painful lonliness. I just want to crawl in a hole...