ah me!

I know its been a while since I really posted regularly. I get on my kicks where I have no time for anything but school and work. Ok who am I trying to lie to? I am still on one. This quarter at school is already proving to be harder than I thought it would be. Its more Chemistry involved than I was expecting. If anyone remembers back that far, Chemistry sucked. I had alot of trouble in that class, though I passed.

Skip to now. I am only awake at this ungodly hour because I was supposed to have a class this morning. Well it snowed like 4 inches last night, and is still snowing. So I have decided it not a good idea to try to get out of the house.

My baby sister, Hope is now in Korea. I have to say its weird to know she is half way around the world. Not that she hasnt been gone before. Just this time will be a long stay. Not real sure how long, but it could be up to 18 months if I understood it correctly. Thats ok though, her fiance will be there in February so I wont worry as much then.

Life here has changed very little since my last real post. Well other than the one about Omaha. Things are pretty much the same. Every one is driving me nuts with "why arent you guys married?" questions. I hate that question.

Christmas is almost here and Im so not done shopping. Though I only have a few to buy for now! I love this season. Even though it makes me broke every year! I cant help it, I love the decorations and every thing else! For the first year I feel like I have out done myself. I have gotten a few little gifts that will be so much better than anything anyone can give adam. Last year I felt like I may have been the one he didnt get the cool stuff from. This year I know they cant beat me! Hah! I know that sounds stupid but it is soo true!

I hope every ones holidays are good! I promise to post more in the future! I will try this time not to be a stranger for so dang long!

im sure ive done this before

1. What is your middle name? Michelle

2. What is your nick name? Mandie, Turtle(adam), Shortcake(Hope), Amanda Lou(Anastasia), Dr. Moore (Silile), Deeze(Kevin)

3. What color are your bed sheets? Blue

4. How many cell phones have you owned over the years? Four

5. What is your title at work? Lead Agent

6. Where is your computer located? In the Computer Room

7. How many credit cards do you have? One

8. What kind of car do you drive? 1990 Ford Ranger

9. What color is it? Gold

10. If you could spend 1 day doing ANYTHING you want what would you do and where would you go? With my family, all of them, hanging out! At home in Texas of coarse! Who cares what we would do as long as we were all there!!

11. What is your favorite cologne/perfume? Gossip

12. Hot dogs or hamburgers? I love them both!

13. Fave type of music? Anything by Elvis

14. Do you have any pets? Yes Two beautiful doggies! Patton and Ginger

15. Do you floss? Most of the time!

16. Favorite breakfast food? Oh my goodness i love breakfast!! I dont have a favorite!

17. Yankee Candle or Party-lite? Any thing that smells wonderful!

18. Fave fast food restaurant? Jack In The Box!!!!

19. Fave "mall" store? Pac Sun or Wet Seal

20. Sunrise or Sunset? I like them both. but I see sunset more often because I am actually up!

21. Best childhood memory? Any and all the include my best friend Kristy Sue

22. What is your sweethearts "love" nickname? Turkey

23. Favorite pie? Pumpkin

24. Favorite salad dressing? Ranch. It goes good on everything!

25. Movie that best describes your life? I have not one clue!!!

26. Do you have business cards with your name on them? Nope

27. How many siblings do you have? I have 2 sisters and 5 brothers.

28. Fave snack foods? Rye chips from Gardettos, Chewy Chips Ahoy, Fig Newtons.... I could go on and on....

29. Have you ever met anyone in "real life" that you first knew from online? My Daddy Bill and my Adam, ok my friend James too

30. Fave chat program? Im not a chatter.

31. What time is it right now? 0413 am

32. What is the last thing you ate & drank? Tuna salad and cherry coke with fiery Habanero Doritos...

33. Did you make someone smile today? I sure Hope so

34. Did you tell someone you loved them today? Yes I have

35. Do you ever wish upon a star? Nope not anymore

36. If you could meet two people that you've never met before who would they be? Jesus and Princess Diana

37. How many pieces of clothing are you wearing right now & what are they? Two, My t-shirt and undies...

38. Do you recycle? Yes. I give a hoot about all that fun stuff!

39. Favorite fruit? Strawberries

AND last but not least.. this one will take some thought!!!! (Be honest but not TOO honest if you know what i mean LMAO)

40. From the time you first awake in the morning till you're completely showered, dressed & ready to leave for work or play - how many different "products" do you use & what are they? Dood, Soap, moisturizer, makeup, shampoo, toothpaste mouthwash deodorant and i know i missed alot!!!

Edition #19

Thirteen Things heard around my house this week.... 1. "Monster, did you feed the General?" 2. "Is that really possible, I mean come on its not that common." 3. "Dont pick it up with your feet! Damn!" 4. "We dont bite mommy!!!" 5. "Vaccuuming is fun!" 6. "Dont mind him, hes the captain of dream land." 7. "Hon, the dog ate the landscaping lights...." 8. "You're on poop duty." 9. "My mommy loves me more than my mommy loves you!" 10. "Can you believe she has never had Bar B Que before?" 11. "Did Amanda just say ASS, umm Im telling..." 12. "Dont look at that commercial, Im sure I know exactly what kind of ring you really want.... Walmarts finest cubic zirconia, right?" (smack) 13. "Stupidity makes my day...." Links to other Thursday Thirteens!

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

2006 in Review

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?

Went to Chicago!

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?

I didnt make any.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, several actually.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Yes. Four people actually. Ashley, Cassie, Maegen, Emily

5. What countries did you visit?

Just the one I live in!

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?

Not much actually.

7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?

The ones that I sat and cried for my girls who died this year.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

We bought a house!

9. What was your biggest failure?

I didnt tell the girls I loved them. Now I cant.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Oh yeah I got pretty sick right at Christmas.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

Our house!!

12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?

hmm, I will have to get back to you on that one.

13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

A whole stinking lot of people.

14. Where did most of your money go?

Rent

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

Going to Miami, Chicago and Kansas City


16. What song will always remind you of 2006?

Good Question. I dont have a good answer though.

17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?

A heck of a lot happier, about the same size, I got a raise but I am not richer!!!

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?

Tell them i loved them more.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?

being upset at situations I could have changed.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Sicker than shit and at work.

21. Did you fall in love in 2006?

Nope. I was already there.

23. How many one-night stands?

None Im not that kinda girl.

24. What was your favourite TV program?

Deal or No Deal. or To Catch a Predator on Dateline.

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

Hate is such a strong word. I dont use it.

26. What was the best book you read?

Oh I read so many its hard to say. My favorite though was Elvis and Me by Pricilla Presley

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

Hm... I dont know that I had any.

28. What did you want and get?

To see my sisters, and I got them just not at the same time.

29. What did you want and not get?

Oh goodness alot of things.

30. What was your favourite film of this year?

Well I really loved Over the Hedge. But just for a good laugh RV was freaking hilarious.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?

I turned 24, I was sick.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Id rather not say that one, I still have this particular want.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?

Do what I like!

34. What kept you sane?

Adam

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Hmmm.. I dont know.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

Well I get involved in the Breast Cancer Awareness activities every year.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

I would have to say that would be Kellie Runge. Shes my boss, but I find it very easy to talk to her.

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.

Tell the people you love just how much you love them every chance you get. You may not have tomarrow.

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.

"Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin, i feel you coming back again...... and I believe." --- when I am missing a loved one.
The name of the song is I Believe sung by Diamond Rio

Im bored.

Q: What is in your left pocket?
A: i dont like to have anything in my pockets actually.

Q: How much alcohol did you have this week?
A: nothing actually.

Q: Do you eat petrol station food?
A: Not if I dont have too.

Q: Ever drive all night to get to someone?
A: Yep to Nebraska from Texas and from Texas to Florida

Q: Is Napoleon Dynamite actually a good movie?
A: Yeah, I loved it because of its uniqueness!

Q: Do you sleep in the nude?
A: Only when I am sick!

Q: What colour underwear do you have on?
A: Grey... nosey question lol

Q: Do you have hardwood or carpet in your house?
A: ask me that later

Q: Do you sit or stand in the shower?
A: Stand of coarse.

Q: Could you live with roommates?
A: I have had several and they worked out just fine.

Q: How many pairs of flip-flops do you own?
A: umm is this a trick question?? I give homeless shoes a home any chance I can!!!

Q: Where were you born?
A: Houston, Texas- Space City USA

Q: Ever been to rehab/jail?
A: Nah, Ive always made friends with the cops.

Q: How blonde are you?
A: 100% naturally, but these days I am darker

Q: Do you have a car?
A: A truck

Q: How long have you been in the county that you live in?
A: 24 years, Ive never even been out of the USA

Q: Friend you saw?
A: Georgiana, since she is sitting next to me.

Q: Friend you talked to?
A: Georgianna and Silile

Q: Person who called you?
A: Adam, my honey!

Q: Person you called?
A: My mommy

Q: Is?
A: Tuesday will be counter offering on a house!

Q: Got any plans?
A: Work, meeting with real estate agent.

Q: Dislikes about tomorrow?
A: Well I have to work, so hmmmmm......

Q: Number?
A: 16!

Q: Colour?
A: Blue

Q: Season?
A: Summer

Q: Missing someone?
A: Yes. My sisters, best friend and her kids

Q: Mood?
A: indifferent

Q: Wanting?
A: To be at home snuggled up in bed with my honey.

Q: Listening to?
A: Georgiana talk to an agent!

Q: Watching?
A: nothing really

Q: Worrying about?
A: Just the outcome of our house bidding....

Q: First thing you did this morning?
A: looked at Adam funny like I do every morning.

Q: Do you have anything bothering you?
A: My fathers current situation

Q: What's annoying you right now?
A: Bridezilla and her big ass wedding! Yep shes still planning it.

Q: What's the last movie you saw?
A: Ant Bully!

Q: Do you believe in long-distance relationships?
A: Ive never had one that worked.

Q: Is there a person who is on your mind right now?
A: Yes. A few people actually.

Q: Do you think that person is thinking of you too?
A: Well maybe one or two of them.

Q: Where is the last place you went?
A: Oh holy buckets, I dont know probably just to work so to Omaha!

Q: Do you have any siblings?
A: 4 younger brothers, 1 older sister, and 1 wonderful munchkin younger sister

This is a meme from Kris!!! What I have to do is reveal 5 things about myself that my readers and friends may not know! So here goes!!!

1. I love ducks! Little yellow ducks! They are the coolest! I have close to 100 of them and my family encourages it for some reason! I think Adam wishes that they wouldnt!

2. I have ugly feet! I hate my feet. But for some reason I keep them pretty well manicured. If there is even a spec of polish missing, I will remove it to put on fresh polish!

3. I have a scar on my left knee that is like a white line. I got it when I was having xrays and when they couldnt see the bones in my knee, they drained the fluid off. Well when they stuck the needle in place, my leg twitched. Well yeah that ripped back the skin, yuck I know, but still it happend. The good news is they could see the xrays that time! I still have problems with that knee though!

4. Every one knows I have 2 sisters, but what I dont talk about often is that I have 4 brothers. William who is in Texas, Christopher and Matthew who are here in Omaha, and Alan who is stationed in Hawaii and whose wife has a baby due any day now. So I am gonna be an aunt for the frist time some time soon! Its a boy!!!

5. My grandfather was in the Navy in WWII and stationed in Pearl Harbor when it was attacked! If he had not lived through that, I would not be here! Thank God for survival!

Now I am supposed to tag 5 people to do this but I will leave it up to you! Join in if you would like to do this meme! Let me know if you do though, that way I can see yours!!!

Self Description

Suddenly it occurs to me that I am no longer the kid I used to be. I mean I haven't been a kid for a long time. I grew up alot faster than the other kids my age. I have been places and seen things that only few can imagine. There have been profound moments of truth in my life already even though I am only 23. With each passing day I see a new person. I look in the mirror and realize that my life may be flawed but it is flows with the punches and breaks. I matured on a spiritual level at an early age then let it slip away as I explored other areas of my life. I look back and realize that I used to have this reserve of strength that I drew from. That reserve came from the spiritual faith that I had. To an extent I still have this faith. Though I have strayed it is ever present in my life. Though I dont always ask God to help me he is always there pushing me along. At times it seems I do more screaming at God than I do talking. I do more asking for than I do giving to. My upbringing was stable. That is if you call having a dad that was never around and a mom that did her best to show the love of two parents normal. I have loved and lost. I have yet to win the most important battles of life. The most important lesson I have learned is how to be loved and love in return. This being a lesson I am learning even to this day. I locked my heart away years ago and still rarely let people into it for fear of hurt and pain. I stand up for what I believe in but dont really care if anyone else sees those things from the same perspective. I bleed just like the next person. I cry on a fairly regular basis. I laugh whole heartedly when I am amused. I keep things pent up inside of me until I reach a breaking point. Generally I end up hurting more for trying not to hurt another person with my anger, fears and frustrations. My worst fear is living and not loving and being loved in return with every fiber of being in me. Failure is not acceptable in myself. I have goals and dreams that I intend to see through. I feel guilt for not revealing my emotions to the people I have loved the most and lost. I go for drives and stay gone for hours on end just to have time alone. Trust is not easily awarded by me. I tend to be aware of all aspects of a person before I will let my guard down, and that has been known to take me years. I have deep hidden pain that I chose to reveal to only those closest to my heart. I have shame that I tell no one about. My life is a vast kalidescope of pain, love, and fear. That odd combination makes me the portrait of anything but innocence. I find it hard to reveal myself to people. Upon meeting me you will see a smile and a false front just so that you wont know me. My friendly demeanor and my politeness are genuine, but my soul is never revealed to anyone but the ones who take the time to find it. I have a deep respect for those in an elder position agewise than myself. They are the ones I look to for the most important lessons in life. I am ever searching for a way to better myself even if it is only for my own benefit. I care not what others think when they look at me. Look into my eyes and you will see a puzzle that is not yet complete. All I ask is not to try to seek the deeper meaning behind the hurt that has so often filled them. When I am happy it radiates from me like a spark lighted on a clear summer night. When in love my heart is obvious to all around me. Rarely do I find comfort with some one so true that I can sit with them in silence. The kid in me is now out to lunch, for the life I have chose to live no longer allows that kid.

*****I wrote this a while back. I just found it on my computer a few nights ago. I find it quite fitting at this time. I have soo much growing left to do.

All about me

I am just kinda sitting around tonight. As most nights here lately, I have a head full of things that are getting to me. I have so much spinning around in my head. Trying to fix my own personal problems. Those that I talk to no one about. Those that I see as a flaw in my character. I picked up my Bible earlier but set it back down when I realized how unworthy I really am. I just dont know where to begin. I ask God to forgive me for these flaws that I cant change, yet he created in me for some reason. These flaws are ones I tend to hurt myself with. I am head strong and closed off. I kill my own spirit when I hurt other people. Its not like I plan to hurt them. It just happens. My heart is so hardened right now its pathetic. I have that soft spot of coarse. But few know where it is or how to get in. Occassionally I look and realize some one found that small enterance and managed to sneek in. By then its too far along for me to protect (hurt) myself, so that they cant see the pain with held. I know that is stupid. I have issues. I dont elaborate on them out of shame. Issues with my dad. We used to be quite close even though I really cant say I knew him well. Then I became unworthy in some way. He cut me out again. Fuck that I dont care anymore. Hes in that soft spot in my heart, theres no way to protect me from that pain. He is a character in my life of a vital role. Yet he remains a mystery to all of my friends save 5. Chelcie, April, Kevin, Kristy and James. He is hard to explain and rarely accepted. But he is my father. To be in my inner circle he has to be known about. I keep him locked away. Thats the way it shall remain. There are issues with in my heart. I have been hurt, twice. Both times threw my own stupidity. My own naieve nature. Yes I accept total responsiblity for my short comings. One is widely known and talked about on my blog on occassion and actually this blog was borne of that pain. The other was a personal pain. A failure on my part that I refuse to allow people into. I know my shortcomings. I know where I messed up. I know I was a bad person. Thats all there is to say about it. Another issue is concerning my own defensive nature. I love strongly when I do love. No matter who it is or what kind of love. Could be just a friend, a sibling, or romantically if that is how you want to label it. Though I have never been treated in any romantic nature. So I know nothing of that. Dont think I really want to. That way I cant get hurt again. I like sweet gestures, but prefer loving reassurance, as my self esteem varies from high to low. Generally it stays low. Lets face it, Im cute but Im not anything special. Something that has always been pointed out to me. I have my own style. Fuck you if you dont like it. I dont care. Keeps me from getting hurt. But the problem is when I love some one I tend to pull away. At the time I see it as for their own good. But then I realize that all I am doing is hurting me along with them. So see my pain is of my own doing. In all situations it has been my doing. Either I have closed myself off and forced them to turn to some one else or I have just shut them out. I get close to some one and if I dont let them go or push them out, more than not they get hurt. I have no desire to go threw another death. I keep isolated. I dont go out, make new friends often and I dont let people in! But I do love, rather stupidly most of the time but my love is real. Im a rather complicated and slightly contradicted soul. As I have said previously, it is all of my own doing. I dont know how else to be. So for any I may have hurt, I am sorry for my ways. I am sorry for the imperfections. I am trying. I just dont know how to be anyway else.

My mood and Kevin...

Im in a funky mood today. Just take a look at my hair and you would know. I have pig tails in my hair. I havent done that in a long time. But it is fun, even if every one looks at me funny. I have a little black tee that has a duck on it with got bubbles? written underneath him. I love my little yellow ducks. I have more duck things than I can count on both my hands and feet put together. I love this shirt. Its just fun and well flirty even though I am not much of a flirt. My makeup is even done up today. Im wearing silver hoop earrings, not big ones like usual. Quite understated ones today. No other jewelry. If I choose to go out later I will put on my black boots. What can I say on occassion I like to have fun with my clothes. Usually though I have fun with accessories. Thats more my style. Like I will pick my accessories then build my outfit from there. I love doing that. Im slightly backwards from most girls. Expect nothing of the normal ways when dealing with me. I am a ball of fire most the time, but my heart is off limits. You get what you see. Just dont ask to enter my comfort zone. It just doesnt happen.
Im in a good mood today. I may just give my dear friend Kevin a call and chat it up with him later. I miss him. Its been almost three years since I have seen Kev. I really miss him. For a while we were talking most nights for hours at a time. We do that occassionally. But then we had a little time of disagreement, didnt talk for a little over a year. Now we are talking again. I can say just in time to help me not to make big mistakes. I always need that "Mandie how stupid would that be..." or the "Go ahead fuck up see if I stop you, but I will be here when you got those skinned knees and that broken arm." Not that I ever hurt myself physically. But he has said stuff like that to me. Or my personal favorite..."Go ahead, Amanda, fall in love with that older guy. Hes gonna get tired of you and never commit. He will rip your heart out and dance on it. Then as always when it is all over I wont do the I told you so, but I will be here to be your friend. To help you cry and to tell you that you were too good for him and not the other way around." Sure enough all that happend. But upon my revealing the truth to him months later he was a true friend. He never once said "I told you so." Or any other things he could have. But he did infact tell me I was stupid for going after Toby all those years ago. He came home from Reno just to look me in the eyes and say "Mandie, Why??" "Are you sure you are in love with this guy?" "You are too young to tie yourself to some guy who leaves you at home for months at a time." " Do you really want the life you are living?" "Didnt you have enough of this with the way you grew up, your dad never home and all." "Do you really want to do that to kids??" But when it was over he never once let me believe I was stupid. He never put me down for it. The way I had when he had ended relationships I didnt approve of. Makes me believe that he was the better and still is the better half of our friendship. Love was never and never will be in the cards for the two of us, but I know if I ever need a man to lean on I have him. I have him in the sense of I can run away and hide if I ever need to. I can cry and not feel ashamed. I dont cry with just anyone. I dont like to show that weakness. But Kevin's been around for damn near 10 years. 10 years in August actually. Years in which we have had ups and downs. We have been extremely hard on anyone that tried to enter the others life. But yet we take a step back and say "hey fuck up if you want. I cant make your mind up for you. Dont mean I approve." He did that for me even if I could have saved myself by listening to him. He always knew best anyways when it came to me. I always hated the fact that from the first time we laid eyes on each other, he could read my mind sort of. He always knew if I was trying to lie to him even if no one else could tell. We dated for a while. Six months to be exact. But it was more of a friendly, lets hang out and see each other at school, kind of thing. We both had to be at every football game, he for band, me for dance. We cheered each other on. We were both in drama. Both in choir, pretty damn good too if you ask me. Then we shared tons of classes. Mostly math classes. Always drove those teachers insane. Poor Ms. Quinn, she hated having the two of us together. But made the mistake of letting him sit behind me. We were either passing notes or diliberately talking during class. We did our work together every single day. Then when he graduated, I was out of that building faster than anyone, just to be the first to get to him after the ceremony. Then he was at mine with the same enthusiasm. Amazing every one that he cut through the crowd to throw my skinny ass in the air. We were the object of speculation, gossip and everything in between. Some of the people we went to school with still swear they cant believe we are not married. But hate to do this to you guys, actually I love it. But we arent like that. Nope, we will always be stupid fools. Kevin and Mandie. Thats how it goes.

Whew.....

You know I am really stupid sometimes. I let stupid stuff scare me. I tend to react to things I shouldnt. I have a bad way of hurting the ones I loves feelings. Im so overly flawed its ridiculous. Its really time for a good dose of Kevin. He has always dropped it all at first chance to be there for me when I need a friend. Right now its the slap in the head I need. The one that only he can deliver with out me getting on the offensive. He can tell me anything, no matter how painful it would be from some one else, its just the truth with him. Its something I call him for on the rare occassion when it all gets to me enough to bring me down too far. Ive been down lately. Im doing well right now. I have my mom, Bill and Chris to make me laugh. I have family for the first time in forever. Its almost a new thing for me after the last two years. Im learning some things here that I would never have had the opportunity to learn in Texas. I am smiling more. Im meeting friendly people. I think it funny that every one just loves my accent up here. To me I sound normal. To them its "omg where are you from, I love your accent." Im just like yeah uh huh. Go ahead ask me to say something. Thats usually what happens. Anyways. I had my nerves worked up so tight last night I was a mess. But as usual I was just over reacting to something small. My nerves are so used to walkin the high wire and being on end that I dont know how to be normal anymore. I am sure I hurt the people I love with the way I always expect to be hurt. The way I always assume the worst. The way my out look on things is never bright anymore. I need a change in my personality I think. Jeeze I swear one day I want to be the sweet, loving and trusting girl I was just years ago. Now breathe, Mandie, the sigh of relief that you need! Whew...

Flawed.

I wonder sometimes why I hold on to some things so tightly. No particular reason, or anything in particular that I am talking about. I just wonder why I hold on to people and things so firmly. Once in my soul, Im pretty much hard to get rid of. But I dont know why I do it. It is my downfall at times. I latch on, then get hurt. I love then end up in tears. I am such a complex and contradicting person when it comes to my feelings.
Now onto other things. I miss James. Im silly I know. Im too attached to him. I learned about attachment a long time ago. Any time I have gotten attached to some one they either leave or die. So I shouldnt curse a person with that. I shouldnt fall in love, I should spare everyone that pain. But so far I havent. One day I will learn though. Probably when its too late though. Ok so my mood is too dark to do this tonight. That is I should shut up before I have people worrying about me.

Revealing a flaw

I pretend I am not bothered. I act as if I dont care. But I know I am not in the place I wish to be. I live in a bubble. Happy and content. Then I am reminded that it will never be me. To what I am speaking of, I am not comfortable revealing. I just know that my place is not there. My home life is wonderful. I love where I am so dont think this is what I am speaking of, for it is not. The break in my soul I will not reveal...... It breaks me to think of this void that is unfillable. It tears my spirit to know that I can not win. Yet I can not and will not tell of what I am speaking...

Me Me Me

Well its that time again! Im officially older. Im 23 now. Oh joy of my life another birthday. Im not too fond of birthdays. But this year its nice to be with family. I miss my Kristy though. Im not used to not having her around. I wish I could have packed her up and brought her with me. This is a pretty cool place. I want some snow though. Chris said he would teach me how to snow board! I am sooooo excited!!! Any ways that is all I have to say! Lata guys!

Thoughts of the day..

I have alot on my mind but so few ways to say it. Im in Omaha now. It looks like a really cool city. Did some shopping today. Did some riding around. Got a house key made and a spare key for my car too. I really like it up here. I am relaxed more than I have been in a while. Slowly I am unpacking my belongings. Slowly I am cleansing my soul of pain. Rapidly my heart has become the property of a wonderful man in Oklahoma that has no clue Im sure as to how much I do love him. He makes me smile and does his damnedest to frustrate me. I really absolutely adore him. I love how he is my best friend and part of my soul. I love the way his mind works and how he laughs. But Im gonna shut up now for Im sure he will read this and say "damnit stop writing about me...." Surely though I wont cause when I love its completely. Hope called tonight. She is such a shit. I love my kid sister. Chris and I hung out. Hes a cool little bro. Bill picked on me for my high heels. I dont think he realized that I have that rare ability in girls my age to be graceful in a nonstandard shoe. I love to stand out by some fact. I found the coolest boots today. I think I am gonna go back and get them. For sure Im not gonna see some other girl running around in them. They are just so punk. Got a jean mini skirt today. James said that sounded like fun. I like it. I ran around in it for a bit just to show it to Bill and Chris. Also got a new shirt that Hope swears shes gonna steal. It says I love Geeks. Then my new brown cap is great. I love accessories. Long ear rings are the best. Big and chunky but not too heavy. I have my own fashion sense. I can pull off the oddities like green and blue eyeshadows and do it. I love red lipstick when used in a classic form. I am just a girl of my own taste and will never quite conform. I love to be different than the other girls around me, yet if you look in my closet its nothing unusual just some things that most dont have enough guts to wear. I enjoy my individuality what can I say. This girl knows how to rock a look and make it work. I never go bland unless I just feel like it. Go figure. Never thought I would be so much of a girly girl. Seems like I have turned that way in the last few years though. The more independance I gain the more freedom I feel towards who I am and what I do. I really like the girl that I am seeing in the mirror right now. Free of guilt and pain. Healing scars that I wear proudly as to protect my heart. Leaning on God and my loved ones to teach me to trust. And leaning on James to show me and teach me about love with out pain. I sound so sentimental but you know what I am allowing God and others in an area of my life I shut off for a few years and lately even more. So I guess I am open to new things and becoming a better person....

hmmm what goes on in my head...

Ok well last night I totally clammed up on Alex. I know I have already said that most likely. But damn Im an idiot. He said something and well I just froze. The thought that went screaming threw my head was a bet that Kristy and Carey made. They are placing stakes on my sex life. Ok sure its been a while. A long while. But damn. So when Alex asked me if I was ok last night I said yes. Well he asked why I got all nervous. So I told him. He was actually more accepting of it than I thought. I flat out told him about the bet they have and damn if he dont want in on the action. Im not lying that just cracked me up. So yeah. Ok so Im a little closed off on the sex thing. Im scared to death of it right now. But Toby always just expected sex. It wasnt something I had alot of choice about. Dont get me wrong I had a good time. But no was never an option. If I said no I was ignored or he would run his mouth to every one about my short comings. Ok well lets see hes 8 years older than me so ok he has lots more experience than I do. Sorry if I wasnt super freak. Im not gonna lie though Alex really makes me melt. That scares the shit out of me. He will reach out and touch my hand or arm and my insides are gone. Its like weird. I have this wall around me and well he got in some how. He makes me feel so good about myself. Ive never had anyone look me in the eye and say I was beautiful. It makes me feel beautiful. I dont know how to respond to that. I guess that can get frustrating. But hell he tells me what he thinks about me. About what he wants. I cant express that stuff. I dont know what stops me but I am not real vocal about what I want. Never have been. Im scared to death that Im gonna scare this incredible man away with my fucked up ways. Hes so smart. I learn something new every time I go over there. I am litterally fighting with in my self to stay still and not do anything that I may regret later. Sex is a big deal for me. I reserve my body for love. I want desparately to know what that is one day. On the other had I look and say man Im a prude and curse myself for having these values. Why cant I be normal and not care about what happens to my body. I have worked so hard to keep myself in check. I try even harder to play by the rules that God put on me. But well I screwed up there with Toby. Hell I gave him the only thing I had to offer the man I marry. My body. Now I sit back and wonder what the hell was I thinking. Will I ever know what true love is? Is it really out there for me? Should I really baby my body the way I do? Why the hell cant I be more open about my sexual feelings? Ok I know you are reading this Hope. Im sorry this is so expicit but Im trying to identify who I am. I have all the same needs an feelings any other woman my age does but Im impaired emotionally. All this goes on in my head. But Alex has made me smile and laugh again. I wear this huge smile every time I think of him. Just remembering the way he touches my arms or holds my hand or kisses my hair when we are laying around. It makes me realize I never got anything close to that with Toby. Im scared of what is happening with me. I am scared to let some one else in. but Alex makes all of the pain go away. He makes me smile and realize I have a choice. Im happy just to be near him. I even dress nice just for him. I want to be that beautiful girl he sees. I want to feel as beautiful as he makes me feel. Its all new to me...