Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Love. Show all posts
Friday, April 01, 2011
The One, Do They Really Exist?
How many of us have fallen hard, once, twice, ok admit it, a few times? I mean really fell, you thought that person was the end of it all for you. Lets face it, as women, we tend to fall easier than the men do. At least this has been my experience, either personally or through the ones I love. So what do you think? Does "the one" really exist? How do you know when you have actually found him/her? Some one once told me you would just know. Ok well I did just know, twice. So where the hell is my heart going wrong, cause well I dont fall easy and I generally dont buy into the pretty words or bull. I am hard on people, I dont trust easy. So when that "one" jumped over my, hard to climb, walls, I was shocked and even a little scared. I guess that last statement raises yet another question, if i was scared, why did I "just know" he was it? Well all I knew at that time was he was my best friend, I had a relationship with this man that rivaled any other one I had in my life at that time. All I knew was he was the first and last thing on my mind every day and he was constantly on my mind all day. I could tell you every detail of every time we were together. I knew him like the back of my hand. I could tell you every bad habit, his reputation, but also the man I knew that no one else knew. I knew the things about him that would have shocked other people, the front he put up for everyone else was not the man I got. Yet we werent together. We were the best of friends who made a terrible mistake. We got too close then he got married. To this day he swears hes the happiest man in the world, but he cant look me in the eye and say that. Why? Cause he still cant lie to me. Then there was this last one. With in minutes of meeting this beautiful man, I told my friend Elyssa, "I need to stay away from that one. I have a feeling if I dont that I will be too far gone to look at any one else, ever again." I knew. I just knew, from the very moment I met him. It had nothing to do with his physical appearance, though that was beautiful. It was just this crazy connection I felt to him. I looked him in the eye and before he even told me his name I knew him. Its like I knew exactly who he was and what he was meant for. I spent an entire week watching him but avoiding running into him. If you read this blog, well you know the rest of this story, so I wont go into the Amanda/Kevin saga of stupid. So I ask you, again, what is your thoughts? Does that "One True Love" really exist, for every one?
Monday, January 24, 2011
Since I Have Been Home
Life has kind of sucked. Two days after I got home I self medicated. I got my room mates to take me out and get me just a little way too drunk. I felt the need to be numb, apparently he did too cause He revealed to my Megan that he was doing the same. I just kept wishing that we would talk and be just like we used to be. I hated it. The next day I was in hangover hell. But I still remained quiet. I have done my best to do exactly what I vowed I would. I have left him alone for the most part. Other than letting him know the outcomes of doctor visits so that he didnt find out through Emily. Lets face it I fell in love. I wasnt really prepared for that.
So since I have been home I am now on 4 doctors visits, and have yet another on Tuesday. Last week Tuesday I had a trip to the doctor, he ran all sorts of blood tests and well it was my regular yearly visit so it was a good trip too. He was concerned when I told him about the black outs and convulsions. So he set me up with a neurologist to see what he thought. So that afternoon I was on to that. Sure enough he ran some tests was concerned and set me up for an EEG on Thursday morning. Yeah that sucked. I had to sleep for part of it, which was not fun, cause they hook all kinds of these probes to my head, I then went to sleep and they watched my brain waves. After that they woke me up had me look at strobe lights and then they had me hyperventilate so that they could watch that. it sucked! Thursday afternoon I was to the Cardiologist, this one courtesy of the Neurologist. He did some questioning that felt like an interrogation. He then took an EKG and blood pressure for like the 9th time in three days. He ordered a heart monitor and then set up and ECG for next week. Yay!
For the moment the culprit in question is that they believe I may be getting a drop in blood pressure causing all this. But they want to look and make sure that I have no defects or anything else. Hence the ECG. I am so sick of being the lab rat! I hate this. I should have the EEG results some time on Tuesday. I am not excited about that but I am nervous to see how they come out. At the very beginning of the EEG I started to have the symptoms of the black outs. But laying there with my eyes closed seemed to help so it didn't last long and didn't complete. So hopefully they will see something of value in it.
So theres the rest of the story for now. I will write more later. As all of this has progressed I am even more stressed and even more tired. I am ready to be well again. I have never felt more alone.
So since I have been home I am now on 4 doctors visits, and have yet another on Tuesday. Last week Tuesday I had a trip to the doctor, he ran all sorts of blood tests and well it was my regular yearly visit so it was a good trip too. He was concerned when I told him about the black outs and convulsions. So he set me up with a neurologist to see what he thought. So that afternoon I was on to that. Sure enough he ran some tests was concerned and set me up for an EEG on Thursday morning. Yeah that sucked. I had to sleep for part of it, which was not fun, cause they hook all kinds of these probes to my head, I then went to sleep and they watched my brain waves. After that they woke me up had me look at strobe lights and then they had me hyperventilate so that they could watch that. it sucked! Thursday afternoon I was to the Cardiologist, this one courtesy of the Neurologist. He did some questioning that felt like an interrogation. He then took an EKG and blood pressure for like the 9th time in three days. He ordered a heart monitor and then set up and ECG for next week. Yay!
For the moment the culprit in question is that they believe I may be getting a drop in blood pressure causing all this. But they want to look and make sure that I have no defects or anything else. Hence the ECG. I am so sick of being the lab rat! I hate this. I should have the EEG results some time on Tuesday. I am not excited about that but I am nervous to see how they come out. At the very beginning of the EEG I started to have the symptoms of the black outs. But laying there with my eyes closed seemed to help so it didn't last long and didn't complete. So hopefully they will see something of value in it.
So theres the rest of the story for now. I will write more later. As all of this has progressed I am even more stressed and even more tired. I am ready to be well again. I have never felt more alone.
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
and the mighty fall... hard Part II
So we are up to Thursday now. Thursday I ventured out and walked around 8th street. Pretty cool place with all the crazy bars and restaurants. I enjoyed myself. I wasnt out real long. I wasn't feeling much more than tired. I was a little worried about my honey. He seemed like something big was on his mind. I have never pushed him to tell me anything, so I wasn't about to start. It was part of what was so good about us, when we wanted some one to tell the shit to, we just did it. Any ways he gets home from work early and comes in looking a little defeated. I hugged him and he held on for quite a while. Then we went and sat down. Just as we were settling in he gets a call to come back to work. They were there til almost 9. By then he had stopped and gotten us dinner. We ate and watched football. At some point he looked at me and said "Im so sorry they just popped it on me tonight that I am on duty til God knows when tomorrow and Saturday."
Let me explain. Duty means that hes at work from sun up til 1030 or later that night. He looked so upset. I couldn't hide my disappointment, but I told him to not worry. I have a cousin there so I was pretty excited that I was gonna get to see him anyways. Well along comes Friday and Im expecting to spend the evening alone, at 530 Nate and I are sitting on the couch watching some sports stuff, and in walks Kevin. Yay! Someone took his change over so he could come home and spend time with me. So we spent a relaxing evening together getting dinner and watching some football, but ultimately we ended up going to bed rather early. Neither of us minded that cause we were pretty happy sleeping. The next morning we slept in pretty late, until I left to go out with my cousin and he left for work. It was a pretty good morning.
During this time my cousin, his wife, and their kids and I all explored the national mall, and ate and had a good old family time. We enjoyed getting to see each other with out there being some family death involved. While we were out I started to feel funny and blacked out and lost my balance again, this time it lasted only a few minutes but I was aware of everything going on around me, my cousin caught me going down, and we sat down until I was ready to get up again. We went back to the metro and luckily I was starting to feel alot better. So we walked around the union station mall. It was pretty cool in there. We had a great time. So our evening ended around 8 that night. I got home exhausted from two of these episodes. I got there and was alone so I got a shower and went down for something to eat since I knew it was just me for a while. Kevin didn't get off work til 330, so I was in it for a while.
I called my mom and got her to make a doctors appointment for me since it was time for a physical anyways. Explained everything that had happened to her so she could relay it to the doctors office. Kevin got home late as expected and I was still awake because a friend of theirs decided to spend the night and well I didn't know him so I wasn't about to go to bed before the boys were both home. Well when Kevin got home he reprimanded me for not being asleep yet. He worries too much. Then I reminded him that they did not tell me that we were going to have a stranger spending the night. He laughed kissed me and said I was right he was strange. As soon as he was home I was very content to be sleeping. So I kissed him good night cause I knew he would want a shower and to eat before he came to bed and I was extremely exhausted. It was a little bit before he came to bed but he snuggled right up to me and we slept pretty good that night.
The next day he was acting again like something was wrong, and got called into work so he had to go there for a little bit. That was fine, but disappointing again. It was supposed to be the day we were together with out everyone else. I said something to him about it and he apologized, there was somethings going on in his life that had him stressed that I knew about cause we tell each other the big and little things in life. He and I sat down that night and talked. While I wont go into what was bothering him, I do understand it. We both just got out of things that were long and hurtful. So we ultimately decided, together, that we were not ready for the intensity of our relationship. So the next two days were a little uncomfortable but only because our dynamic had just changed. Dont get me wrong, we still looked at each other the same, he would come in and hug me. He would do all the same things in the evening. But it was different. It hurt. We would go to bed at night and talk for a bit but not touch, I mean I fell asleep that first night and woke up when he was gently running his finger tips down my arms and shoulders. I could tell he didn't know what to say or do so I didn't let on that I was awake. I just lay there wishing that this was under different circumstances. After a little bit he leaned over and kissed my shoulder and whispered "God I love you." Then he rolled over and I have no idea how long it took him to go to sleep.
I lay there until the alarm went off a few hours later thinking how unfair it is that we can care so damn much for each other and know that we arent ready. The next night was probably the most amazing night of the trip, but I wont go into why. Tuesday night was ok. But Wednesday morning he came in and hugged me while I was getting ready to go to the airport and he was getting ready to leave for work. He hugged me for a long time said he wished it was different and was glad I had come out to see him. Then told me he would miss me. I got home and havent talked to him since.
My heart is hurting in more ways than I can even begin to describe. I genuinely love this man and knowing how he feels about me makes it more difficult. I wish God would see fit for the issues we have to be over. I hate him not being in my daily life. He needs his space and he needs to heal from whats hurting him before he can ever be ready for anything. I'm not gonna lie, I want that man. I wish like hell I could fix him. But all I can do now is pray that he is ok. Now Im drained again, emotionally.
Let me explain. Duty means that hes at work from sun up til 1030 or later that night. He looked so upset. I couldn't hide my disappointment, but I told him to not worry. I have a cousin there so I was pretty excited that I was gonna get to see him anyways. Well along comes Friday and Im expecting to spend the evening alone, at 530 Nate and I are sitting on the couch watching some sports stuff, and in walks Kevin. Yay! Someone took his change over so he could come home and spend time with me. So we spent a relaxing evening together getting dinner and watching some football, but ultimately we ended up going to bed rather early. Neither of us minded that cause we were pretty happy sleeping. The next morning we slept in pretty late, until I left to go out with my cousin and he left for work. It was a pretty good morning.
During this time my cousin, his wife, and their kids and I all explored the national mall, and ate and had a good old family time. We enjoyed getting to see each other with out there being some family death involved. While we were out I started to feel funny and blacked out and lost my balance again, this time it lasted only a few minutes but I was aware of everything going on around me, my cousin caught me going down, and we sat down until I was ready to get up again. We went back to the metro and luckily I was starting to feel alot better. So we walked around the union station mall. It was pretty cool in there. We had a great time. So our evening ended around 8 that night. I got home exhausted from two of these episodes. I got there and was alone so I got a shower and went down for something to eat since I knew it was just me for a while. Kevin didn't get off work til 330, so I was in it for a while.
I called my mom and got her to make a doctors appointment for me since it was time for a physical anyways. Explained everything that had happened to her so she could relay it to the doctors office. Kevin got home late as expected and I was still awake because a friend of theirs decided to spend the night and well I didn't know him so I wasn't about to go to bed before the boys were both home. Well when Kevin got home he reprimanded me for not being asleep yet. He worries too much. Then I reminded him that they did not tell me that we were going to have a stranger spending the night. He laughed kissed me and said I was right he was strange. As soon as he was home I was very content to be sleeping. So I kissed him good night cause I knew he would want a shower and to eat before he came to bed and I was extremely exhausted. It was a little bit before he came to bed but he snuggled right up to me and we slept pretty good that night.
The next day he was acting again like something was wrong, and got called into work so he had to go there for a little bit. That was fine, but disappointing again. It was supposed to be the day we were together with out everyone else. I said something to him about it and he apologized, there was somethings going on in his life that had him stressed that I knew about cause we tell each other the big and little things in life. He and I sat down that night and talked. While I wont go into what was bothering him, I do understand it. We both just got out of things that were long and hurtful. So we ultimately decided, together, that we were not ready for the intensity of our relationship. So the next two days were a little uncomfortable but only because our dynamic had just changed. Dont get me wrong, we still looked at each other the same, he would come in and hug me. He would do all the same things in the evening. But it was different. It hurt. We would go to bed at night and talk for a bit but not touch, I mean I fell asleep that first night and woke up when he was gently running his finger tips down my arms and shoulders. I could tell he didn't know what to say or do so I didn't let on that I was awake. I just lay there wishing that this was under different circumstances. After a little bit he leaned over and kissed my shoulder and whispered "God I love you." Then he rolled over and I have no idea how long it took him to go to sleep.
I lay there until the alarm went off a few hours later thinking how unfair it is that we can care so damn much for each other and know that we arent ready. The next night was probably the most amazing night of the trip, but I wont go into why. Tuesday night was ok. But Wednesday morning he came in and hugged me while I was getting ready to go to the airport and he was getting ready to leave for work. He hugged me for a long time said he wished it was different and was glad I had come out to see him. Then told me he would miss me. I got home and havent talked to him since.
My heart is hurting in more ways than I can even begin to describe. I genuinely love this man and knowing how he feels about me makes it more difficult. I wish God would see fit for the issues we have to be over. I hate him not being in my daily life. He needs his space and he needs to heal from whats hurting him before he can ever be ready for anything. I'm not gonna lie, I want that man. I wish like hell I could fix him. But all I can do now is pray that he is ok. Now Im drained again, emotionally.
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Monday Monday Monday
"Love is the knowledge that someone somewhere has a need for you, and you, a need for them." Unknown
So I will be in DC on, you guessed it, Monday! I cant wait to see him! Let me tell you I am already a huge ball of nerves and I have a three more days to go!
I guess in some ways I worry that I will get there and he will be disappointed in what he gets. Though we have been pretty open with each other and we each pretty well know what we are getting in the other person. You never know what they may think the first time that you really get to see each other. I mean I haven't seen him since our cruise in September. But we talk constantly, multiple time through out the day, we send lots of pictures, and we never run out of things to talk about. So why am I worried? I don't know really.
This man makes me crazy, in a wonderful way. He tells me I am beautiful and I look in the mirror and wish I could see what it is he sees, even though he tries so hard to tell me. Generally I am a troll when I am first woken up, but just add Kevin and the troll melts away. I swear he can wake me up at some ungodly hour, and I smile. I dont get all bitchy because I was sleeping good or because I may not fall back asleep for hours, I just lay in bed and smile. Usually because hes sent some sweet text that says he misses me or cant wait to see me. Its crazy the effect that he has on me.
I swear this man has the ability to take my bad days and make them good. He always knows just what to say to make me feel better even if he just calls and listens. Its amazing. I have never opened up to any single person the way that I do with him. I find myself wondering if I will be even more ridiculous after getting him to myself for a week.
When my week is over and I have to return to Omaha, will I be one big emotional mess? I have always prided myself on the fact that I never needed anyone to validate me. I never needed anyone to make me feel better. I have always had attachments but I have never had a need for some one. That is the only real way to describe this. The feeling I have for this man is so much more than attraction. I almost feel as if I need him. Yes this is scary. I mean why wouldn't it be? If it wasn't, it would not be real right?
At least once a day the man turns me into a completely mushy girl. He says something that makes my heart beat fast and my head spin. I swear this is crazy. I know so many people say that happens to every one but I have never in my life felt that way. I have loved a few people. I think I was only truly in love one time, and even then it was nothing like this. Yes I would trade that feeling I had then for all the wonderful ones I have now.
Yes I know exactly what the odds are stacked against us. Lets see there's the fact that hes active duty military, which puts him at risk to go to war at any time. Then there's the whole long distance thing, sure this kind of thing doesn't help at all. I mean how many people actually make that work? Those two things alone are enough to make a lot of girls, and men, run from the start. I will say one thing though, if it wasn't for the distance, we probably would not have taken the time to get to know one another like we have. I think that even though we have lacked the physical time together, we have done very well so far. Yes some days this is very frustrating. There are days I want to sit in a corner and feel sorry for myself because I am slightly lonely. But what good would any of that do? No good, that's what. So I just don't do it.
So finally after four long months, I will be meeting him at Regan on Monday morning! I swear the next few days cant go fast enough. I am going to drive me and every one around me nuts right up to the minute I jump on him! I swear hes not gonna know what hits him when I see him that first moment! Crazy to think a few months ago I met and avoided this beautiful man, and now all I can think about is how lucky I am to have him in my life. I can not wait to see what we have in store for ourselves! I love every inch of this man, he is seriously that guy we all dream about, or at least for me he is that prince charming we all pretend to fall in love with as little girls. I just cant imagine why he would ever want me, but I swear one thing, I wont be letting him go.
So I will be in DC on, you guessed it, Monday! I cant wait to see him! Let me tell you I am already a huge ball of nerves and I have a three more days to go!
I guess in some ways I worry that I will get there and he will be disappointed in what he gets. Though we have been pretty open with each other and we each pretty well know what we are getting in the other person. You never know what they may think the first time that you really get to see each other. I mean I haven't seen him since our cruise in September. But we talk constantly, multiple time through out the day, we send lots of pictures, and we never run out of things to talk about. So why am I worried? I don't know really.
This man makes me crazy, in a wonderful way. He tells me I am beautiful and I look in the mirror and wish I could see what it is he sees, even though he tries so hard to tell me. Generally I am a troll when I am first woken up, but just add Kevin and the troll melts away. I swear he can wake me up at some ungodly hour, and I smile. I dont get all bitchy because I was sleeping good or because I may not fall back asleep for hours, I just lay in bed and smile. Usually because hes sent some sweet text that says he misses me or cant wait to see me. Its crazy the effect that he has on me.
I swear this man has the ability to take my bad days and make them good. He always knows just what to say to make me feel better even if he just calls and listens. Its amazing. I have never opened up to any single person the way that I do with him. I find myself wondering if I will be even more ridiculous after getting him to myself for a week.
When my week is over and I have to return to Omaha, will I be one big emotional mess? I have always prided myself on the fact that I never needed anyone to validate me. I never needed anyone to make me feel better. I have always had attachments but I have never had a need for some one. That is the only real way to describe this. The feeling I have for this man is so much more than attraction. I almost feel as if I need him. Yes this is scary. I mean why wouldn't it be? If it wasn't, it would not be real right?
At least once a day the man turns me into a completely mushy girl. He says something that makes my heart beat fast and my head spin. I swear this is crazy. I know so many people say that happens to every one but I have never in my life felt that way. I have loved a few people. I think I was only truly in love one time, and even then it was nothing like this. Yes I would trade that feeling I had then for all the wonderful ones I have now.
Yes I know exactly what the odds are stacked against us. Lets see there's the fact that hes active duty military, which puts him at risk to go to war at any time. Then there's the whole long distance thing, sure this kind of thing doesn't help at all. I mean how many people actually make that work? Those two things alone are enough to make a lot of girls, and men, run from the start. I will say one thing though, if it wasn't for the distance, we probably would not have taken the time to get to know one another like we have. I think that even though we have lacked the physical time together, we have done very well so far. Yes some days this is very frustrating. There are days I want to sit in a corner and feel sorry for myself because I am slightly lonely. But what good would any of that do? No good, that's what. So I just don't do it.
So finally after four long months, I will be meeting him at Regan on Monday morning! I swear the next few days cant go fast enough. I am going to drive me and every one around me nuts right up to the minute I jump on him! I swear hes not gonna know what hits him when I see him that first moment! Crazy to think a few months ago I met and avoided this beautiful man, and now all I can think about is how lucky I am to have him in my life. I can not wait to see what we have in store for ourselves! I love every inch of this man, he is seriously that guy we all dream about, or at least for me he is that prince charming we all pretend to fall in love with as little girls. I just cant imagine why he would ever want me, but I swear one thing, I wont be letting him go.
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
texts, calls, voicemails...
Its like this. One day you are miserable. The next day some one just kind of turns your world inside out. I mean its like some one turned a light on and theres this huge sign pointing right at it. I know exactly what I want and I know that even though I am petrified, I am 100% sure I have found where I am supposed to be in life. I have never been more sure of anything else.
I go some where and out of no where I think to myself, man I wish like hell he was here. This would be so much better if he was with me. Sure Ive been mushy before. But I have never, not ever, been to the point where I hurt to be with some one. I mean not physically. I mean my heart aches to be with him. Isnt that the sickest thing you have ever heard?
Seriously, last night we were both super pathetic. I had a pretty rough evening. Stupid me I managed to ruin the knee that I hadnt destroyed. I was feeling whiny. He was trying to make me feel better. Some how he always does. He was in Baltimore at a concert. Right in the middle of it, he texts me to say, "why arent you with me?" So I am not alone. Im not the only crazy person. Apparently he is too.
Again last night my friends and I are sitting around playing Clue, cause we have decided that this is our game of choice. Anyways, we were talking and I dont remember what was asked of me, but my answer was, Im sure I could if it was the right guy. All three of my beautiful roomies then pipe up in unison, IT IS THE RIGHT GUY! Ok! I hear you. I am just not sure if I am wanting to admit that yet.
My mom used to tell me that love wasnt blind, but sees every flaw and still wants the gift being given. Yes I say it a lot. He is perfect. I mean hes not. He has his flaws. Thing is I see them, he points them out. But damn it they are part of who makes him who he is, and I want him despite the flaws.
I think when it comes down to it, I am petrified that this could be very real. I mean not really petrified, just scared to take the chance again. I adore this man. Ok I will admit it. I love this man. I havent really said that to anyone so thats a big deal for me. I mean we are pathetic, every day one of us says, at least once, why arent you here with me? So its not like we dont want to be together. You have no idea how tempting it is to just pack everything up and leave. Just move across the country and snuggle up with him every single night. Sounds like paradise if you ask me.
I met him in August. I knew the minute I laid eyes on him that everything was different. I knew that I had a connection the first time he said my name. Trust me we tried the idea of not going there. I tried hard to just not want him. I didnt talk to him for close to a week. Until one night while he was in texas, something was said and he texted me and from that moment on it has been crazy. I mean it was crazy for a few weeks after we got back from our cruise. We did all the crazy questions about each other. We talked alot. We were ridiculous. Then he went to Texas for work. After a few crazy nights and some interesting texts, I pretty much asked what this was and things slowed down. He told me he really liked me but worried about the distance. So I texted him and told him that he needed to think about one thing, would he regret not trying. So it was a week later that he texted me and said something that answered my question.
That same night I was drinking with friends, I had a bad day. So I was getting pretty wasted. Well it was his last night in Texas, so the unit was well getting pretty wasted as well. So I guess I had called him and left an interesting voicemail. I passed out on the couch. I woke up at 5 in the morning to a sweet voicemail. It was him just saying he wished I had answered the phone because he missed my voice. He just wanted to hear my voice before he passed out for the night. His friend Tyler was busy trying to take his phone from him. He said good night and then continued to complain at Tyler to leave him alone. Just as I was thinking ok erase that message, I hear him say to Tyler, "I dont think you understand, I have tried to stay away, not let this go further, but she makes my world spin." It was then that the phone disconnected. I asked him the next day if he remembered calling me. He said vaguely. But I never told him what he said.
So the other night I was at the gym talking to him in text while running on the elliptical. We were talking about my up coming trip to DC and the fact that one of my best friends wishes that I would not go alone. We both admitted that we worry about getting hurt. He then told me something that totally melted my heart. He said "Amanda we can be scared and never do anything about this, or we can take the chance and yes risk getting hurt." I for one will take what ever chance I need to, to find out if this man is in fact the man for me. So my response was, "Kevin, we only get one life. I have no intention of looking back in a few years and wondering what if I had taken that chance. Life is about our choices and our mistakes and what we learn from them."
I go some where and out of no where I think to myself, man I wish like hell he was here. This would be so much better if he was with me. Sure Ive been mushy before. But I have never, not ever, been to the point where I hurt to be with some one. I mean not physically. I mean my heart aches to be with him. Isnt that the sickest thing you have ever heard?
Seriously, last night we were both super pathetic. I had a pretty rough evening. Stupid me I managed to ruin the knee that I hadnt destroyed. I was feeling whiny. He was trying to make me feel better. Some how he always does. He was in Baltimore at a concert. Right in the middle of it, he texts me to say, "why arent you with me?" So I am not alone. Im not the only crazy person. Apparently he is too.
Again last night my friends and I are sitting around playing Clue, cause we have decided that this is our game of choice. Anyways, we were talking and I dont remember what was asked of me, but my answer was, Im sure I could if it was the right guy. All three of my beautiful roomies then pipe up in unison, IT IS THE RIGHT GUY! Ok! I hear you. I am just not sure if I am wanting to admit that yet.
My mom used to tell me that love wasnt blind, but sees every flaw and still wants the gift being given. Yes I say it a lot. He is perfect. I mean hes not. He has his flaws. Thing is I see them, he points them out. But damn it they are part of who makes him who he is, and I want him despite the flaws.
I think when it comes down to it, I am petrified that this could be very real. I mean not really petrified, just scared to take the chance again. I adore this man. Ok I will admit it. I love this man. I havent really said that to anyone so thats a big deal for me. I mean we are pathetic, every day one of us says, at least once, why arent you here with me? So its not like we dont want to be together. You have no idea how tempting it is to just pack everything up and leave. Just move across the country and snuggle up with him every single night. Sounds like paradise if you ask me.
I met him in August. I knew the minute I laid eyes on him that everything was different. I knew that I had a connection the first time he said my name. Trust me we tried the idea of not going there. I tried hard to just not want him. I didnt talk to him for close to a week. Until one night while he was in texas, something was said and he texted me and from that moment on it has been crazy. I mean it was crazy for a few weeks after we got back from our cruise. We did all the crazy questions about each other. We talked alot. We were ridiculous. Then he went to Texas for work. After a few crazy nights and some interesting texts, I pretty much asked what this was and things slowed down. He told me he really liked me but worried about the distance. So I texted him and told him that he needed to think about one thing, would he regret not trying. So it was a week later that he texted me and said something that answered my question.
That same night I was drinking with friends, I had a bad day. So I was getting pretty wasted. Well it was his last night in Texas, so the unit was well getting pretty wasted as well. So I guess I had called him and left an interesting voicemail. I passed out on the couch. I woke up at 5 in the morning to a sweet voicemail. It was him just saying he wished I had answered the phone because he missed my voice. He just wanted to hear my voice before he passed out for the night. His friend Tyler was busy trying to take his phone from him. He said good night and then continued to complain at Tyler to leave him alone. Just as I was thinking ok erase that message, I hear him say to Tyler, "I dont think you understand, I have tried to stay away, not let this go further, but she makes my world spin." It was then that the phone disconnected. I asked him the next day if he remembered calling me. He said vaguely. But I never told him what he said.
So the other night I was at the gym talking to him in text while running on the elliptical. We were talking about my up coming trip to DC and the fact that one of my best friends wishes that I would not go alone. We both admitted that we worry about getting hurt. He then told me something that totally melted my heart. He said "Amanda we can be scared and never do anything about this, or we can take the chance and yes risk getting hurt." I for one will take what ever chance I need to, to find out if this man is in fact the man for me. So my response was, "Kevin, we only get one life. I have no intention of looking back in a few years and wondering what if I had taken that chance. Life is about our choices and our mistakes and what we learn from them."
Thursday, December 13, 2007
Omaha
On Wednesay, December 5, 2007 at approximately 1:42 pm (CST), Robert Hawkins walked int the Von Maur store, in the Westroads Mall in Omaha, Nebraska. With him was an assault riffle and he used that to kill 8 people, and himself. These men and women all started their day thinking that it would be a normal, run of the mill day. But it wasnt. This deeply disturbed boy hurt so many more people than just the 8 that were killed that day.
I want to thank all of you who have called, texted, or emailed in the last week to check on my family and me. It is of great comfort to know that you all care. My family and I were luckily all at home, work or school at the time when the mall shootings here in Omaha occurred on Wednesday. My brother, Matthew, and I work less than a mile from the mall that this transpired in.
I just want to tell you all that I love you and thank you for being a friend to me. I have learned that every person who is in your life is there for a reason. Even if you rarely talk to them. Events like this let me know what a large support group I have. Though I was not personally affected by this in any way other than shock, disbelief and grief for these people I did not know.
You never think that a tragedy such as this one will ever happen so close to your home. Yet I live 10 minutes from the Westroads Mall. Matthew lives less than a 5 minute drive from it. It really gives you a wake up call to tell every one you love just how much you do love them.
I drive past the Westroads every day. This afternoon on the way to work, I could not help but cry. You see, people are leaving memorials infront of the Von Maur store, and it is visible from the road. Omaha has become my home, and I love this city. I have several friends who were in the store that day, who fortunately left the store before the shootings occurred. One of which walked out only 10 minutes before hand. Call it luck, fate or what ever you will. I will count my blessings that these friends are still here with us.
Its so easy to disconnect from the world when you see some random act of violence happen. We sit glued to our televisions and scour the internet for information about them. This boy, Robert Hawkins, said he was going to be famous. Unfortunately he is now, and he is famous for all the wrong reasons. Yet I feel nothing but pity on him. If some one had just taken the time to actually show him love and support, maybe this could have been stopped before he thought of it. It has really made me think about how I treat people. I sincerely hope it will do the same for every one who reads this.
I ask for the prayers of all of you, no matter what faith you chose to practice, for the families of the victims. They have a long road ahead of them to recovery. In particular I ask you for the prayers for the family of one of my co-workers. Her mom was an employee at Von Maur and was one of the victims, Beverly Flynn. Though I do not know her, nor do I know that I have met the daughter, she is a part of my Marriott family.
With each breath you take, remember that you are not ensured another. Live with out regrets and remember to let those you love know it. You never know when you will or if you will see them again. I for one will hold on a little tighter to my loved ones from now on. Thank you.
I want to thank all of you who have called, texted, or emailed in the last week to check on my family and me. It is of great comfort to know that you all care. My family and I were luckily all at home, work or school at the time when the mall shootings here in Omaha occurred on Wednesday. My brother, Matthew, and I work less than a mile from the mall that this transpired in.
I just want to tell you all that I love you and thank you for being a friend to me. I have learned that every person who is in your life is there for a reason. Even if you rarely talk to them. Events like this let me know what a large support group I have. Though I was not personally affected by this in any way other than shock, disbelief and grief for these people I did not know.
You never think that a tragedy such as this one will ever happen so close to your home. Yet I live 10 minutes from the Westroads Mall. Matthew lives less than a 5 minute drive from it. It really gives you a wake up call to tell every one you love just how much you do love them.
I drive past the Westroads every day. This afternoon on the way to work, I could not help but cry. You see, people are leaving memorials infront of the Von Maur store, and it is visible from the road. Omaha has become my home, and I love this city. I have several friends who were in the store that day, who fortunately left the store before the shootings occurred. One of which walked out only 10 minutes before hand. Call it luck, fate or what ever you will. I will count my blessings that these friends are still here with us.
Its so easy to disconnect from the world when you see some random act of violence happen. We sit glued to our televisions and scour the internet for information about them. This boy, Robert Hawkins, said he was going to be famous. Unfortunately he is now, and he is famous for all the wrong reasons. Yet I feel nothing but pity on him. If some one had just taken the time to actually show him love and support, maybe this could have been stopped before he thought of it. It has really made me think about how I treat people. I sincerely hope it will do the same for every one who reads this.
I ask for the prayers of all of you, no matter what faith you chose to practice, for the families of the victims. They have a long road ahead of them to recovery. In particular I ask you for the prayers for the family of one of my co-workers. Her mom was an employee at Von Maur and was one of the victims, Beverly Flynn. Though I do not know her, nor do I know that I have met the daughter, she is a part of my Marriott family.
With each breath you take, remember that you are not ensured another. Live with out regrets and remember to let those you love know it. You never know when you will or if you will see them again. I for one will hold on a little tighter to my loved ones from now on. Thank you.
Monday, January 08, 2007
2006 in Review
1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Went to Chicago!
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I didnt make any.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, several actually.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. Four people actually. Ashley, Cassie, Maegen, Emily
5. What countries did you visit?
Just the one I live in!
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Not much actually.
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The ones that I sat and cried for my girls who died this year.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
We bought a house!
9. What was your biggest failure?
I didnt tell the girls I loved them. Now I cant.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Oh yeah I got pretty sick right at Christmas.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our house!!
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
hmm, I will have to get back to you on that one.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
A whole stinking lot of people.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Miami, Chicago and Kansas City
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Good Question. I dont have a good answer though.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
A heck of a lot happier, about the same size, I got a raise but I am not richer!!!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Tell them i loved them more.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being upset at situations I could have changed.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Sicker than shit and at work.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Nope. I was already there.
23. How many one-night stands?
None Im not that kinda girl.
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Deal or No Deal. or To Catch a Predator on Dateline.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is such a strong word. I dont use it.
26. What was the best book you read?
Oh I read so many its hard to say. My favorite though was Elvis and Me by Pricilla Presley
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hm... I dont know that I had any.
28. What did you want and get?
To see my sisters, and I got them just not at the same time.
29. What did you want and not get?
Oh goodness alot of things.
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Well I really loved Over the Hedge. But just for a good laugh RV was freaking hilarious.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24, I was sick.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Id rather not say that one, I still have this particular want.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Do what I like!
34. What kept you sane?
Adam
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmmm.. I dont know.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Well I get involved in the Breast Cancer Awareness activities every year.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I would have to say that would be Kellie Runge. Shes my boss, but I find it very easy to talk to her.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
Tell the people you love just how much you love them every chance you get. You may not have tomarrow.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin, i feel you coming back again...... and I believe." --- when I am missing a loved one.
The name of the song is I Believe sung by Diamond Rio
Went to Chicago!
2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions and will you make more for next year?
I didnt make any.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Yes, several actually.
4. Did anyone close to you die?
Yes. Four people actually. Ashley, Cassie, Maegen, Emily
5. What countries did you visit?
Just the one I live in!
6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
Not much actually.
7. What date from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
The ones that I sat and cried for my girls who died this year.
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
We bought a house!
9. What was your biggest failure?
I didnt tell the girls I loved them. Now I cant.
10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Oh yeah I got pretty sick right at Christmas.
11. What was the best thing you bought?
Our house!!
12. Whose behaviour merited celebration?
hmm, I will have to get back to you on that one.
13. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?
A whole stinking lot of people.
14. Where did most of your money go?
Rent
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Going to Miami, Chicago and Kansas City
16. What song will always remind you of 2006?
Good Question. I dont have a good answer though.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you: Happier or sadder? Thinner or fatter? Richer or poorer?
A heck of a lot happier, about the same size, I got a raise but I am not richer!!!
18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Tell them i loved them more.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
being upset at situations I could have changed.
20. How will you be spending Christmas?
Sicker than shit and at work.
21. Did you fall in love in 2006?
Nope. I was already there.
23. How many one-night stands?
None Im not that kinda girl.
24. What was your favourite TV program?
Deal or No Deal. or To Catch a Predator on Dateline.
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Hate is such a strong word. I dont use it.
26. What was the best book you read?
Oh I read so many its hard to say. My favorite though was Elvis and Me by Pricilla Presley
27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Hm... I dont know that I had any.
28. What did you want and get?
To see my sisters, and I got them just not at the same time.
29. What did you want and not get?
Oh goodness alot of things.
30. What was your favourite film of this year?
Well I really loved Over the Hedge. But just for a good laugh RV was freaking hilarious.
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 24, I was sick.
32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Id rather not say that one, I still have this particular want.
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Do what I like!
34. What kept you sane?
Adam
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Hmmm.. I dont know.
36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Well I get involved in the Breast Cancer Awareness activities every year.
38. Who was the best new person you met?
I would have to say that would be Kellie Runge. Shes my boss, but I find it very easy to talk to her.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006.
Tell the people you love just how much you love them every chance you get. You may not have tomarrow.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year.
"Every now and then, soft as breath upon my skin, i feel you coming back again...... and I believe." --- when I am missing a loved one.
The name of the song is I Believe sung by Diamond Rio
Tuesday, October 31, 2006
Things that have made me think...
At work, I am on a committee for my department. Our particular activity for the month is a food drive. We have been making posters all night. I never knew my hands could hurt so much from coloring! Goodness they are turning our pretty though! Im very proud of this project!
Lately my lovely boyfriend, Adam, has been overly needy. This is not like him. I get ready to go to work, he asks why I have to leave. I always respond with some quick jab about us buying a house! He just frowns that cute puppy dog frown, then whines about me being gone. I get to work, he sends sweet emails about how he misses me. Yep, hes gone mad! No, really, I love it. He's never been so sweet and adorable. I hope the cute boyfriend stays! Maybe he will even start cleaning up the house tooo.....
Bridezilla... Enough said, but wait theres more! Her birthday was Sunday. My baby sister, the munchkin is fuming! So Ive mentioned before that she doesnt have a job, what I havent mentioned is that she has borrowed a whole lot of money from Munchkin. Well seems that her fiance(who was in on the borrowed money since they were both released from jobs at the same time and live together) got her a watch that has a real diamond in it and spent a ton of money on it! Hello, baby on the way! Where are the priorities???
House! We may have found the one! So excited, our friend is going to see it on Wednesday to make sure that theres no electrical or structural damage. Since he is a contractor, this is very helpful. Not to mention that he is Adam's brother in law, so hes really just looking out for our best interest! Plus hes totally A-D-D so he will be rip, roaring, and ready to go on the improvements I would want to do. Hes really good at around the home stuff!! Thank God for Blair!
I fell in love the other day... With a dog! More like a horse, but a dog. Her name was Kitty Cat, she is a 15 month old Great Dane. She had spots like a milk cow! Oh my goodness, she was just so calm, sweet and beautiful. I dont need kids, I think I want her! Adam says that I would probably never be able to have friends over, for her sheer size! I guess people are scared of big dogs! She was only 115 pounds, shes still go a while to grow....
Lately my lovely boyfriend, Adam, has been overly needy. This is not like him. I get ready to go to work, he asks why I have to leave. I always respond with some quick jab about us buying a house! He just frowns that cute puppy dog frown, then whines about me being gone. I get to work, he sends sweet emails about how he misses me. Yep, hes gone mad! No, really, I love it. He's never been so sweet and adorable. I hope the cute boyfriend stays! Maybe he will even start cleaning up the house tooo.....
Bridezilla... Enough said, but wait theres more! Her birthday was Sunday. My baby sister, the munchkin is fuming! So Ive mentioned before that she doesnt have a job, what I havent mentioned is that she has borrowed a whole lot of money from Munchkin. Well seems that her fiance(who was in on the borrowed money since they were both released from jobs at the same time and live together) got her a watch that has a real diamond in it and spent a ton of money on it! Hello, baby on the way! Where are the priorities???
House! We may have found the one! So excited, our friend is going to see it on Wednesday to make sure that theres no electrical or structural damage. Since he is a contractor, this is very helpful. Not to mention that he is Adam's brother in law, so hes really just looking out for our best interest! Plus hes totally A-D-D so he will be rip, roaring, and ready to go on the improvements I would want to do. Hes really good at around the home stuff!! Thank God for Blair!
I fell in love the other day... With a dog! More like a horse, but a dog. Her name was Kitty Cat, she is a 15 month old Great Dane. She had spots like a milk cow! Oh my goodness, she was just so calm, sweet and beautiful. I dont need kids, I think I want her! Adam says that I would probably never be able to have friends over, for her sheer size! I guess people are scared of big dogs! She was only 115 pounds, shes still go a while to grow....
Thursday, October 26, 2006
Thursday Thirteen Edition #1
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1. I have a great family! I just don't know what I would do with out my sisters, mom, step dad and brothers! They really are the best, even though I complain about at least one of them constantly. 2. I have the best boyfriend in the world, Adam is absolutely wonderful and puts up with everything that I can throw his direction. 3. I am healthy! Yes this is a big deal to me. Half of my family(paternal side) all have died slow painful deaths. This mainly was caused by the need for cigarettes, but there have been many other reasons. I am so thankful that all my tests for various things came back as HEALTHY! 4. I have two of the best friends in the whole world! Kristy Sue and Kevin Andrew. They have stood by my side through it all! I am so thankful to have them in my life. 5. I have a good job, even though right now I am not motivated at all, that keeps my bills paid and allows me to have the comforts I need. 6. I am finally back in school. Yes I'm on my 3rd semester, but it was a really hard thing to finally go back, which was in large part the workings of my lovely counterpart. That of coarse puts me back at my Adam (no. 2). 7. The good Lord has blessed me with many talents, even if I don't use them. I can sing, dance, write poetry (some of which I have had published) and speak well in a public setting. I count these things, used or not, as a great attribute to who I am and my character. 8. Elvis! Yep I said it! I use Elvis music to pull me out of a funk. I can turn on Elvis and be transformed, even if temporarily, into a very hopeful person. Yes I know that can be rather dorky but I do love him! 9. I have a home to call mine, even if it is not a house, yet. I am working on that one, Adam and I just haven't been able to agree on the right home yet. For the meantime though, I am thankful for this apartment that we share. 10. My two beautiful God-daughters, Katherine and Jaden. They always manage to make me smile. I do so miss them! 11. Adams Family! They are absolutely the best people that I could ever wish for in an extended family situation. They are always so kind to me, respectful and just plain fun to be around! I really do love his family, his sisters in particular! 12. My past, though it has been dark, cold and down right depressing at times, it is what has made me who I am today. I don't know that I would change any of it given the chance. 13. My family here in the blogging community! It really does help me to know that there are people out there, whom I may never meet, that will take the time to share their experience. I love the camaraderie that we have formed! I really look forward to reading your postings and comments! Thank you for reading mine too!!! Links to other Thursday Thirteens!1. (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!) |
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Tuesday, March 28, 2006
hmm
so now i learn the value of real honest to God love and trust. adam is gone for three weeks to portland, oregon, for work. all of you who know me best, know that i have a slight fault in the way my inner workings are in the area of love when my partner is mia. well, i have a sneaking suspicion that this is God teaching me about trusting.
now dont get me wrong, i completely love and trust adam. its just a hang up of mine that i have these slightly intense feelings about him traveling. i know it is all due to my past relationship and what happend when he was on the road. but, i also have come to realize that adam loves me and wont do the same as the other did.
so heres to three weeks of sitting here by myself. hey who knows maybe the time away from each other will be a good thing. the only thing i do know is im already ready for him to be home again.
now dont get me wrong, i completely love and trust adam. its just a hang up of mine that i have these slightly intense feelings about him traveling. i know it is all due to my past relationship and what happend when he was on the road. but, i also have come to realize that adam loves me and wont do the same as the other did.
so heres to three weeks of sitting here by myself. hey who knows maybe the time away from each other will be a good thing. the only thing i do know is im already ready for him to be home again.
Friday, January 13, 2006
Been a while
Sorry guys that its been a few weeks. I have had alot going on. Last week a friend of mine from high school died. I have spent several days keeping it all in. I talked to Anastasia about it and took all my pain out on my sweet boyfriend at home. At points he would be talking and I would just be spaced out and I would not even hear him. Hes taken it all so well. I feel like I have neglected him in my own sorrow.
I have basically only talked to April C and Anastasia about it. I hate that I lost touch with so many people and have been making a very huge effort to connect with the ones I loved. I have sent so many emails to so many people to let them know how much they meant to me at one point and that I hate how long its been that I let that go by.
April told me that she loved me and that she missed me. Cynthia and I have exchanged several I miss you and I love yous. Its amazing how one persons passing makes every one realize who they have missplaced. Ive expressed things to April that I havent expressed to anyone. Thing is in high school we were not that close. She seems to be one of the best friends I could have ever asked for.
Shes proving that to me every day. We sat and wrote each other back and forth for hours the last few days. God I miss her. Eventually we will have to meet up and have a weekend of fun or something. We have already decided that. Shes promised me to make sure that Lisa is well treated and is going out with her this weekend. She feels the way I do right now. Dont just let go of these people. What happens when some one who really made an impression on you dies and you never told them? You begin to feel like I have over Emily's death. It hurts. Dont let that happen to you. Please make sure that the people who you love know exactly how you feel about them. Make sure your friends know exactly how much you love them. It is worth it trust me.
I have basically only talked to April C and Anastasia about it. I hate that I lost touch with so many people and have been making a very huge effort to connect with the ones I loved. I have sent so many emails to so many people to let them know how much they meant to me at one point and that I hate how long its been that I let that go by.
April told me that she loved me and that she missed me. Cynthia and I have exchanged several I miss you and I love yous. Its amazing how one persons passing makes every one realize who they have missplaced. Ive expressed things to April that I havent expressed to anyone. Thing is in high school we were not that close. She seems to be one of the best friends I could have ever asked for.
Shes proving that to me every day. We sat and wrote each other back and forth for hours the last few days. God I miss her. Eventually we will have to meet up and have a weekend of fun or something. We have already decided that. Shes promised me to make sure that Lisa is well treated and is going out with her this weekend. She feels the way I do right now. Dont just let go of these people. What happens when some one who really made an impression on you dies and you never told them? You begin to feel like I have over Emily's death. It hurts. Dont let that happen to you. Please make sure that the people who you love know exactly how you feel about them. Make sure your friends know exactly how much you love them. It is worth it trust me.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Hectic
So I havent written in several days. Its been a very busy set of days. Between home and work I am totally exhausted. I have taken to getting up with Adam in the mornings before he goes to work. Then taking a nap and getting up to go to work of my own. Then when I get home he is already in bed asleep so I just crawl into bed and try not to wake him. So Im off tomarrow. But it will be a full day. I will get up with him then go spend the day with my mom. Write out the remaining part of my bills. Get that taken care of. Around 2:00 or so I am going to go home and get dinner ready so that when Adam comes home we can eat and leave. I have new student orientation to go to. But since our time is so few and far between right now we take every opportunity to spend that time either of us is off together. Our days off are totally different. His Saturday, Sunday. Mine Wednesday, Thursday.
Starting on the 30th of this month I wont have Wednesdays off either. That is one of my school days. Monday mornings I also have a class. So it is about to get hectic in my home. Between Adam's schedule and my schedule it is crazy already. I am actually looking forward to being at home when he gets there tomarrow. So is he actually. We were talking about that tonight when we went to dinner. We have decided that now that we dont get to see each other as much we will just go ahead and meet up for dinner once a week. That way we get to spend a little more time with each other. Even though my lunch break is only 30 minutes. It is enough time to feel like I actually got to see him today.
How is it that I have fallen so hard for him when just a few months ago I had sworn that I would never do that again? He is every thing that I have ever wanted and more. I have a smile on my face no matter what these days. He makes all the bad go away even when I dont think that it is possible. I sound like a teenage girl now. But gosh hes just so wonderful. Even when we argue we cant stay away from each other. I dont know how my heart can find such peace in another person. Its crazy.
Now that I have sounded totally twitterpatted, I will let you guys all puke in private. Then again I dont think I have heard from anyone in forever. But hey thats life.
Starting on the 30th of this month I wont have Wednesdays off either. That is one of my school days. Monday mornings I also have a class. So it is about to get hectic in my home. Between Adam's schedule and my schedule it is crazy already. I am actually looking forward to being at home when he gets there tomarrow. So is he actually. We were talking about that tonight when we went to dinner. We have decided that now that we dont get to see each other as much we will just go ahead and meet up for dinner once a week. That way we get to spend a little more time with each other. Even though my lunch break is only 30 minutes. It is enough time to feel like I actually got to see him today.
How is it that I have fallen so hard for him when just a few months ago I had sworn that I would never do that again? He is every thing that I have ever wanted and more. I have a smile on my face no matter what these days. He makes all the bad go away even when I dont think that it is possible. I sound like a teenage girl now. But gosh hes just so wonderful. Even when we argue we cant stay away from each other. I dont know how my heart can find such peace in another person. Its crazy.
Now that I have sounded totally twitterpatted, I will let you guys all puke in private. Then again I dont think I have heard from anyone in forever. But hey thats life.
Monday, October 03, 2005
Heaven on Earth
Life is in this continuum that makes my head spin at times. It amazes me how I can wait all day to go home and see Adam, then when I get there I am still excited to see him. You know at some point I lost that with Toby. I stopped getting excited early. I would only get excited to see him after days, weeks or months of him not being around. But with my Adam, its all so different. If he is gone for even an hour I am beaming when I see him again. He makes me laugh, and smile. I know I am lucky to have him.
The beauty in this relationship is that I know that no matter what happens I appreciate the small things that before I didnt. So I guess if I hadnt been through hell with Toby I would not know that some of the little things he does and says are sweet. Ive learned that it isnt really the grand gestures that I want. Its the little things like a kiss on the forehead or a touch of the hand that add up and mean so much more to me.
Adam's indeed taught me a thing or two about what love is. I went into this relationship with the attitude that I had experience in a serious, long term relationship. I didnt want to let anything or anyone know the side of me that has weakness. Infact I was nothing but mean and had my mind up that I would run anyone off that came at me. So it took Adam forever to get that second date with me. I knew I wanted to go out with him again. But I didnt want to let myself into another possibly disasterous relationship.
I just knew that if I let this wonderful man into my life I would screw it up again. Sure enough I just about did. I fought off his requests just to hang out for five weeks. I spent countless hours talking to him and avoiding any thought of another date. Until finally one day when he asked me what was so wrong with him that I wouldnt give him another shot. Thats when it hit me, I was really wrong for the way I was treating this guy.
For the first time in my life I was actually contemplating the idea of a nice guy. One that I knew so much about. One I had barely known a few months. Yet from the sincerity that I had seen that one night and over the phone those countless hours, I knew that I could trust him. But my problem now was, could he trust me? Could he trust me not to bail out when things got tough, not to freak out at the first sign of seriousness?
Yes we have had our moments where we just want to leave. But something draws us back to each other with in moments. Either of us have seriously walked out in a heated arguement only to return with in a minute to tell the other how very sorry we were and that we love each other. There are days when we both just feel like the world is over and that we cant possibly look at the other one. But it has yet to last longer than a few hours. If that long.
I know we are far from perfect. But I know, for now at least, I have found my peice of heaven on earth and I dont want it to ever go away.
The beauty in this relationship is that I know that no matter what happens I appreciate the small things that before I didnt. So I guess if I hadnt been through hell with Toby I would not know that some of the little things he does and says are sweet. Ive learned that it isnt really the grand gestures that I want. Its the little things like a kiss on the forehead or a touch of the hand that add up and mean so much more to me.
Adam's indeed taught me a thing or two about what love is. I went into this relationship with the attitude that I had experience in a serious, long term relationship. I didnt want to let anything or anyone know the side of me that has weakness. Infact I was nothing but mean and had my mind up that I would run anyone off that came at me. So it took Adam forever to get that second date with me. I knew I wanted to go out with him again. But I didnt want to let myself into another possibly disasterous relationship.
I just knew that if I let this wonderful man into my life I would screw it up again. Sure enough I just about did. I fought off his requests just to hang out for five weeks. I spent countless hours talking to him and avoiding any thought of another date. Until finally one day when he asked me what was so wrong with him that I wouldnt give him another shot. Thats when it hit me, I was really wrong for the way I was treating this guy.
For the first time in my life I was actually contemplating the idea of a nice guy. One that I knew so much about. One I had barely known a few months. Yet from the sincerity that I had seen that one night and over the phone those countless hours, I knew that I could trust him. But my problem now was, could he trust me? Could he trust me not to bail out when things got tough, not to freak out at the first sign of seriousness?
Yes we have had our moments where we just want to leave. But something draws us back to each other with in moments. Either of us have seriously walked out in a heated arguement only to return with in a minute to tell the other how very sorry we were and that we love each other. There are days when we both just feel like the world is over and that we cant possibly look at the other one. But it has yet to last longer than a few hours. If that long.
I know we are far from perfect. But I know, for now at least, I have found my peice of heaven on earth and I dont want it to ever go away.
Monday, August 29, 2005
Absence
My absence of late has worried several of my beautiful friends. My blogging buddy expressed deep concern for me in an email. So Pseudo... This blog is for mainly your benefit. Nats thanks so much girl for letting him know that I am indeed fine.
My life in the present consists of three things, Work, Adam and Work. Yeah that counts twice. My training began today for my promotion. Lets just say Im pretty overwhelmed so far. Its only the beginning. I have two weeks and a 1/2 inch manual to learn. WEEEEE!!!! Im just no fun to live with. Ask Adam he will tell you. All though he doesnt live with me, hes always there.
Adam... This man has been so much of a saving grace with me. I lose my cool, he brings my ass back down to reality. I frustrate him, yet he keeps on standing right there in my line of fire. But I dont know what I would do with out him sometimes. I break down sometimes with the things that happen around me. But he manages to bring a smile to my face every single time.
Kevin.... I miss you fool. Sorry I havent been very readily available. My phones been having some serious problems. I talk and all anyone hears is static. So Im having that looked into.
Kristy.... Stop stressing my girl. You have to watch out for you and the Spud. I want you and that baby healthy. You know I couldnt make it too far with out you.
James.... Thanks for calling me fool. Some times its really nice to hear that friendly smile on the other end of the line. Ive missed having you around.
So see guys with me some things never change. I may take my leave of absence but I always come back to play with the kids in the park. I need my recess!!!
My life in the present consists of three things, Work, Adam and Work. Yeah that counts twice. My training began today for my promotion. Lets just say Im pretty overwhelmed so far. Its only the beginning. I have two weeks and a 1/2 inch manual to learn. WEEEEE!!!! Im just no fun to live with. Ask Adam he will tell you. All though he doesnt live with me, hes always there.
Adam... This man has been so much of a saving grace with me. I lose my cool, he brings my ass back down to reality. I frustrate him, yet he keeps on standing right there in my line of fire. But I dont know what I would do with out him sometimes. I break down sometimes with the things that happen around me. But he manages to bring a smile to my face every single time.
Kevin.... I miss you fool. Sorry I havent been very readily available. My phones been having some serious problems. I talk and all anyone hears is static. So Im having that looked into.
Kristy.... Stop stressing my girl. You have to watch out for you and the Spud. I want you and that baby healthy. You know I couldnt make it too far with out you.
James.... Thanks for calling me fool. Some times its really nice to hear that friendly smile on the other end of the line. Ive missed having you around.
So see guys with me some things never change. I may take my leave of absence but I always come back to play with the kids in the park. I need my recess!!!
Sunday, May 29, 2005
To the Munchkin
This post is for Hope.....
I sit here trying to write possibly the hardest post that I have ever had to write. I have so much to say to you and so much that I wish I could protect you from. I know that in life ultimatly we have to make our own choices. You are chosing what will become of you. I want you to know that I will be here no matter what.
When ever the road is too long, when ever the wind is too strong, where ever this journey may lead to I will be there for you. I'll always be there for you. Thats a few lines from a song I know you know. But its my dedication to you.
Know that even though the other night I got frustrated and came down way too hard on you, I love you and I just want you to be happy. Since you were a baby, we have had an incredible and strong connection. I never ever in my entire life want that to change. I love you so much more than I let on to anyone in the world. I will be talking to people and I brag on you and how proud I am of your accomplishments.
I know there are times you feel so alone and think no one loves you. Truth is I love you more than anyone in the world. You have been so much more than my baby sister. You are my best friend. You are me with a nastier angry streak. You dont hold back and I so wish in so many ways I could just let go and be free the way you are.
When I saw you the other night in your cap and gown I was in awe. You were the most beautiful I ever think I have seen you. Boy was I proud. You are turning into such a lovely little lady. I miss you so terribly. When you are here with me or I am with you I feel like there is nothing missing in my life. You are the "HOPE" in my life. I dont mean that as a pun on your name. But I look at you and the strength it has taken to get through the struggles in your 18 years and think how lucky I am to have you. You are an incredible girl. I dont know where I would be with out you.
Your driving force behind me has always been part of what pushed me. You have always shown courage and faith. I love you so much. I just dont want you to get hurt or go through the things I did. I dont want you to live with regret and doubt. I live with both every day. I love you and I will be here waiting when you are ready to talk. But I knew I would probably not get an answer if I tried to call so I wrote instead.
As for now I am driving everyone insane with the I miss my Hope, I wish my Hope was here. And the ever wonderful.... You know what Hope would say to that.... Yeah see your more than my sister, your my bad influence! I miss dancing and rapping with you! You gotta get up here to play! That way we can have some fun before you go off to join the big dance. I love you munchkin.
I sit here trying to write possibly the hardest post that I have ever had to write. I have so much to say to you and so much that I wish I could protect you from. I know that in life ultimatly we have to make our own choices. You are chosing what will become of you. I want you to know that I will be here no matter what.
When ever the road is too long, when ever the wind is too strong, where ever this journey may lead to I will be there for you. I'll always be there for you. Thats a few lines from a song I know you know. But its my dedication to you.
Know that even though the other night I got frustrated and came down way too hard on you, I love you and I just want you to be happy. Since you were a baby, we have had an incredible and strong connection. I never ever in my entire life want that to change. I love you so much more than I let on to anyone in the world. I will be talking to people and I brag on you and how proud I am of your accomplishments.
I know there are times you feel so alone and think no one loves you. Truth is I love you more than anyone in the world. You have been so much more than my baby sister. You are my best friend. You are me with a nastier angry streak. You dont hold back and I so wish in so many ways I could just let go and be free the way you are.
When I saw you the other night in your cap and gown I was in awe. You were the most beautiful I ever think I have seen you. Boy was I proud. You are turning into such a lovely little lady. I miss you so terribly. When you are here with me or I am with you I feel like there is nothing missing in my life. You are the "HOPE" in my life. I dont mean that as a pun on your name. But I look at you and the strength it has taken to get through the struggles in your 18 years and think how lucky I am to have you. You are an incredible girl. I dont know where I would be with out you.
Your driving force behind me has always been part of what pushed me. You have always shown courage and faith. I love you so much. I just dont want you to get hurt or go through the things I did. I dont want you to live with regret and doubt. I live with both every day. I love you and I will be here waiting when you are ready to talk. But I knew I would probably not get an answer if I tried to call so I wrote instead.
As for now I am driving everyone insane with the I miss my Hope, I wish my Hope was here. And the ever wonderful.... You know what Hope would say to that.... Yeah see your more than my sister, your my bad influence! I miss dancing and rapping with you! You gotta get up here to play! That way we can have some fun before you go off to join the big dance. I love you munchkin.
Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Perfect memories
I have this perfect memory. To others when I have talked it has been romantic. To me its perfect in the fact that I dont have distaste for him. I do for so many of my exboyfriends. But with the exception of one other they all did things that hurt me terribly...
I wonder if everyone has that perfect memory that never quite leaves them. The one that you keep pictures of because it makes you remember the hurt that defined you, but makes you smile because the love was real...
That is how it was. It was hurtful.. Actually born of hurt, pain and dishonesty on behalf of another whom I considered a friend. Kept secret and confidential. None knew of it. Now few do. He made me smile, laugh and let me cry and held me up while I did so. Something I dont allow to be done. I hide my face if at all possible.
I remember this one day when he was at the school. I was supposed to be in class but Mr. Kilgore knew that I needed him and he was there out of need of some one as well. So I spent two class periods alone with him in the auditorium. We sat towards the middle, cause the back is where everyone looked for you. And we didnt want to be messed with. He grabbed my hand and led me to that center section and we just sat there and talked. That was really the real beginning. Before that he had been my friend whom I was hurting with. Whom I leaned on for the support I needed at that point for the things everyone said about us. The things that were untrue. That was born of a simple night out with a friend. The night I still have framed in my bedroom for the whole world to see. That I have refused to remove through every boyfriend and all those who thought that he was just a nice looking guy I got lucky enough to take to that formal event.
No maybe he was in that picture. He was a date that I took because I needed some one and he offered to take me so that I would not have to go to a banquet where I was being honored with a high award, alone. Like I did all the banquets and other formals in the past. So I attended prom that year with my sister, and the next was the only year I took anyone else. This being another one that meant something to me. But not what he meant. I would have rather had him there over anyone. But that night was special. There were circumstances that kept us so secretive. Mainly the hurt, pain and words that had hurt us in the past year.
There were those who would whisper every time he came to the school. But there was this one particular moment. I graduated from high school.. I walked out the doors, as I was walking past an indention in the building where there was a door, some one grabbed my arm gently and pulled me in there. I just kinda looked surprised. He hugged me, kissed me and told me that no matter where life took us, he would always carry me with him. Yep Ive never told anyone about that. But its on my mind. And I find my self thinking of him and that day and a few others quite frequently.
I wonder if everyone has that perfect memory that never quite leaves them. The one that you keep pictures of because it makes you remember the hurt that defined you, but makes you smile because the love was real...
That is how it was. It was hurtful.. Actually born of hurt, pain and dishonesty on behalf of another whom I considered a friend. Kept secret and confidential. None knew of it. Now few do. He made me smile, laugh and let me cry and held me up while I did so. Something I dont allow to be done. I hide my face if at all possible.
I remember this one day when he was at the school. I was supposed to be in class but Mr. Kilgore knew that I needed him and he was there out of need of some one as well. So I spent two class periods alone with him in the auditorium. We sat towards the middle, cause the back is where everyone looked for you. And we didnt want to be messed with. He grabbed my hand and led me to that center section and we just sat there and talked. That was really the real beginning. Before that he had been my friend whom I was hurting with. Whom I leaned on for the support I needed at that point for the things everyone said about us. The things that were untrue. That was born of a simple night out with a friend. The night I still have framed in my bedroom for the whole world to see. That I have refused to remove through every boyfriend and all those who thought that he was just a nice looking guy I got lucky enough to take to that formal event.
No maybe he was in that picture. He was a date that I took because I needed some one and he offered to take me so that I would not have to go to a banquet where I was being honored with a high award, alone. Like I did all the banquets and other formals in the past. So I attended prom that year with my sister, and the next was the only year I took anyone else. This being another one that meant something to me. But not what he meant. I would have rather had him there over anyone. But that night was special. There were circumstances that kept us so secretive. Mainly the hurt, pain and words that had hurt us in the past year.
There were those who would whisper every time he came to the school. But there was this one particular moment. I graduated from high school.. I walked out the doors, as I was walking past an indention in the building where there was a door, some one grabbed my arm gently and pulled me in there. I just kinda looked surprised. He hugged me, kissed me and told me that no matter where life took us, he would always carry me with him. Yep Ive never told anyone about that. But its on my mind. And I find my self thinking of him and that day and a few others quite frequently.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Im here for you...
You know for a while now I have worried about the latest habits of my best friend. He is very important in my life. I look to him for much guidance and a rock to fall back on when I just need some one to tell me Im not perfect but good enough to be loved. Sure that sounds sick and sappy, but its not. Its the only way I know how to describe the odd bond that we two share. Its a bond that few have fully comprehended with out looking anything else into it. Hes my angel in a big way. Tonight I know that my worries have been acknowledged and confirmed. This relieves me and makes me worry a bit too. But all I really wanted to say in that is that if he ever needs me for any reason at all, I want him to know that I am here and ready to return the favor that he has so many times extended to me. You are more than enough, and worthy of so much more than any woman has ever given you. You are better than the worth they have placed upon you. I miss you.
Monday, April 04, 2005
Love is conditional.
In life, I have learned, that some things are conditional and others are certain. Love is conditional. Death is certain. Or should I say death is eminent. Its gonna happen even if we dont want it too. Love is conditional because we have to choose to let it happen or not let it happen. It can be based upon our actions, words and the way we live. One places many conditions upon how to love or who to love. Theres why we love and why we refuse to love. But it is definantly conditional. If it isnt, please prove me wrong. I would like to know how it is not...
Friday, April 01, 2005
Three strikes is all we get, Right??
Close to a week ago I came into some bit of knowledge. A friend of mine sent me a text message. Seems some one that I cared for a great bit got married, has a baby on the way. Wow hes happy. Im still shocked. One day I will understand why I feel left behind. I cared about him I wont dare say I loved him. For he only months ago revealed to me that he had never stopped loving me. So yeah I think about him but I wonder about his marriage. Considering when I talked to him in October this girl was someone he had just met. I worry about my friends. But I wish him great happiness. At the age of 23 I have known love three times. Sadly enough they were in succession of each other. One my Junior/Senior years of high school. The one whom I never reveal the name to. The one that shall remain sacred and secret, forever locked in my heart. Then Toby just after I graduated lasting four years until July of 2004. Then James, with whom I am afraid my heart will reside even after he forgets my name. I am sadly very bad at the whole love thing. But I have known it. For my age I dare say I have seen too much of it. May never know it again. I got my three strikes, Im out.
Lets review:
Strike 1: Nameless
Strike 2: Toby
Strike 3: James
Yep that adds up to three. Thats all we get, right? Well if life wer like a baseball game, yes thats all we get. I dont know that I know anyone at my age that can truly say they have loved three times. Yet only one of them got all of me. Heart they all got. Soul, body, mind and spirit thats a different story. One got all. One got the heart, soul, mind and spirit. He still has it. But my body, that is reserved. It may well never be given away again. Love is the ultimate goal for me. I want to be loved fully. Though I may have run off the only person to ever really show me that love. One day maybe I will be up to bat again. But this time I wont allow the third strike. That heart break may just kill me.
Lets review:
Strike 1: Nameless
Strike 2: Toby
Strike 3: James
Yep that adds up to three. Thats all we get, right? Well if life wer like a baseball game, yes thats all we get. I dont know that I know anyone at my age that can truly say they have loved three times. Yet only one of them got all of me. Heart they all got. Soul, body, mind and spirit thats a different story. One got all. One got the heart, soul, mind and spirit. He still has it. But my body, that is reserved. It may well never be given away again. Love is the ultimate goal for me. I want to be loved fully. Though I may have run off the only person to ever really show me that love. One day maybe I will be up to bat again. But this time I wont allow the third strike. That heart break may just kill me.
Monday, February 28, 2005
On Love
There is a vital moment in everyones life when they choose to fall in love or not. There is that moment where they choose to take that crucial step, putting their heart on the line. They either take that leap of faith or remain in denial, afraid they will be allowed to have their heart break. But for those who run blindly towards that prize, it is they who really live. It is those who say: "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." As for me, my feelings are still mixed. Ask me on my death bed and then I will tell you if my broken heart was ever worth it.
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