Letter of Tears

As tear drops filled the foot notes of her page,
She wondered how she ever got this far.
It crept up like a theif in the darkness,
Infiltrating the depths of her soul and heart.

All the sudden the last four years seemed as a dream,
One with many illusions and falsehoods.
Now all she could do was try to see through the alcohol created haze,
To dig her way into a world up above the hole she dug for herself.

No longer did she know who she was,
Yesterdays happiness seemed a world away from this sorrow she now felt.
The depths of depression and lonliness called to her,
Singing its sweet song of sorrow.

If only she could find a way to end the pain,
To reach the end of this tunnel she now lived in.
Her eyes no longer held promise or meaning,
Life just had no pleasure for her.

What she would give to stop writing this letter,
The one that was soaked and smeared by tears.
She knew that one day some one might understand,
As for now she felt alone and cold.

So she sealed her tear stained letter in an envelope,
Then she left it in a book for some one else to find.
Hoping to help ease the pain she now felt constant,
Knowing that no one could save her now.

That Voice

I heard that ever familiar voice in my sleep tonight,
The one you used to wake me up that night.

The night my world fell apart,
When my head was spinning and my body was broken.

Thats where the dream started,
With me coming out of the haze.

Then I could see them again,
Doing to me as they pleased.

I wanted to scream and cry but my voice wouldnt work,
I wanted to kick and fight back but my limbs wouldnt cooperate.

Part of me was yelling,
"You were supposed to be my friends."

I know they could see the hurt in my eyes,
Even through the drugs and alcohol.

Why me is all I wanted to know,
I had never hurt anyone.

When had I become a target,
A target to be used as they did to me.

Then left for him to find me beaten and hurting,
Bruised beyond belief.

Ever so gently he cleaned my cuts,
Healed my pain and anguish.

Never letting me out of his constant vigilant watch,
For fear I would find this hateful fate again.

Thats why I hear the soothing voice,
Trying to remain calm so that I didnt lose it.

Never saying one word when I asked it to be kept secret,
But keeping his vow to return and make them pay.

That he did with avengence,
Forever taking my love with him for the care he showed me.

I heard that voice in my sleep tonight,
Knowing it was all but a dream I cried remembering his gentle touch.

When I needed the kindness most,
His voice was what echoed in my ears.

Now when my dreams turn to that night,
I hear that saving voice calling me back to reality and safety.

Conversations with God

I asked "Oh God take this pain away."
He answered me with "But my child what would you learn?"

I replied "But Lord my heart cant take the hurt."
Gently he whispered "I wouldnt have allowed this pain if I didnt think you could handle it."

As the days passed and the months flew by,
I began to notice I was getting stronger.

There were days when I would scream "Oh God just let it be over!"
He would patiently answer "You have to be ready to allow this challenge to teach you before it can be at an end."

Eventually I could see a change,
But the scars were left in tact as a reminder.

God never left me,
I just couldnt see him.

When my heart grew warm,
It was then I knew he had been there all along.

"My daughter you see now it is all in my plan to have you learn from pain.
But its a lesson we all choose to take." God told me in a prayer.

Taking my pain would have ensured its return,
But allowing my hurt taught me so much more.

Wisdom I can not quite fathom,
Love I will never understand.

But God knew it was going to work out,
Just the way he had planned.

My story

My life is like a book in which I am still penning the words in,
Like a canvas just starting to show the shapes and colors.

Im no longer empty pages,
Finally more than just dull blurs of bland color.

I used to hate the bumps and curves in the road of my life,
They made things so difficult to deal with.

Now I look and see they were necessary steps to make me stronger,
They made up the colors on the canvas I now look at.

The ink on my pages not yet dry,
But my story is turning out better than I expected.

So look for my painting on your wall,
And my book in hard cover.

Soon I will be on display for all to see,
But not for long because you cant buy me.

Who you gonna run to now?

Who you gonna run to now,
When your world has turned dark and gray.

You've left and betrayed everyone who loved you,
Who you gonna run to now?

Does your life feel lonely and cold,
Knowing I will never come back home?

Who you gonna run to now,
Now that your life suddenly has collapsed around you.

Does it make you want to change the things you did,
All because you hurt me but in turn hurt yourself?

Now that your alone and confused,
Who you gonna run to now?

Life seems unfair now that Im gone for good,
Admit it you will never forgive yourself.

I used to sit and wait for you to return to me,
But who you gonna run to now?

Now that I no longer sit and wait,
Instead I am going out on dates.

Does it make you want to cry,
Knowing I wont allow you to look into my eyes?

Who you gonna run to now,
With the knowledge of my happiness.

Does it make your heart pound in your chest,
Feeling like it may explode.

Who you gonna run to now,
Now that your double life has been exposed.

Do you sit and wonder what Im doing tonight,
Kicking yourself for not treating me right?

Who you gonna run to now,
Now that my door is eternally closed and my back is turned?

Who you gonna run to now?

A New View

Whispered words of wisdom,
Just at the time they are needed most.

Innocent touches filled with love,
When the world around is crumbling.

Strong arms to fall into,
When all that is felt is weakness.

Beauty by choice,
At the moment all seems so ugly.

Breath that cant seem to be caught,
Because life has been surprisingly great.

Seeing the world threw a new pair of shades,
All because some one showed you a new view.

His Departure

As she sat alone long after his departure,
She could still feel the burn of his lips on her skin.
Every inch of her felt as if she were on fire,
Leaving her breathless and confused.

Though she knew she shouldnt let him in,
She couldnt resist his touch.
If only once she could break the cycle of destruction that his touch causes,
She could break the hold that he has on her.

He continues to return to her,
With his indulgent caresses and melting glances.
She is over come with want and needs,
But yet he never meets the needs.

She sits and cries,
Wondering if the burn will ever leave her skin.
Knowing that next time tears will extinguish the flames,
For she will tell him no.

This is the last time she allows him,
Sadly she knows that he has let her go.
Now she will let him go,
And prove that she needs no more of his touch.

Those nights

There are still nights I wake up screaming,
Drenched in cold sweats.

Remembering the hurt and pain,
The guilt and cries.

Its those moments I see how far I have come,
From the scared girl that I once was.

There are nights I scream your name into the darkness,
Reliving the terrors that were cast upon us.

I used to think my life was over,
Just because you were gone.

Then I remember your smile,
My heart grows warm and I realize you never really left.

But on the nights I wake up with my heart pounding,
I feel so alone and afraid.

I worry so that I will never find some one else,
That I will never allow my heart that joy.

I live in a memory and dream of it nightly,
Some how I must learn to live in the now.

I must move past tragedy and learn to breathe,
You would have hated who I have become.

Yet in the same ways I have shrunk,
I have become stronger in my own life.

I have a sense of who I am now,
That I never knew before.

Sometimes I wake up screaming and crying,
But I know its just a dream and I will live on.

Self Discovery

I found out today that life moves and changes,
Regardless of how we try to keep it all the same.
That time heals all hurts,
Conceals all scars.

I learned today that I can pick my future,
Because God gave me free will.
So if it gets broken,
It is my own fault.

I discovered that my heart is not made of glass,
Instead its made of durable fibers God wove together to make me stronger.
I can endure what ever comes my way,
And emerge from the ashes stronger than I was before.

I learned that life in general is about self discovery,
Learning to be who you are and be happy in it.
Now I search my heart,
To discover just who I really am.

Cherished Memory

I wonder some times if you think about me,
And think to your self what might have been.

I think about you sometimes,
And pray that your happy.

I think about the good times,
And smile remembering them all.

I think of the great many things you taught me,
And wonder if some how I taught you as well.

I sit and cry thinking I lost a friend,
And think to myself how beautiful it was.

I wonder if we will ever be friends like we once were,
And try to get my heart to feel a little less.

I think about how you picked me up when I needed you,
And wish I had been able to do the same for you.

I know that in the end my love wasnt as strong as yours,
And I wish for you the best life can bring.

I have nothing but a memory,
And I cherish it above most.

I hope you can one day think of me and smile,
And know this old friend has nothing but love for you still.

I know God did not have this in his will,
And in my heart I will always know it was real.

What I Was

I once had hopes and dreams,
That now seems so long ago.

I once had wishes and whispers,
But screams and loss replaced them.

I smiled and laughed before,
Then you introduced tears and pain.

I had a firm grasp on reality,
Now I am left reaching for the truth.

Meaning and reason was all I knew,
Until you squashed it like bug on the wall.

Life was wine and roses,
But some how that turned to mold and dead leaves.

I was optimistic and loving,
But you destroyed that.

Trust was a way of life,
You took that from me too.

Now I am putting back together this puzzle that you made,
Trying to find a glimpse of the girl you destroyed.

When innocence and purity was a part of who I was,
But you took that from me along with my free will.

I regret laying my eyes on you,
But you taught me to watch who I trust.

I would take it all back if I could,
But I know I cant and I fault only myself for wasting years and tears on you.

Sparkle in Her Eye

There was a sparkle in her eye,
The day he asked her to be his,
She felt as if she could fly.
He was like something out of a dream,
A real great guy who swore he loved her.
It seemed they were destined to be very happy together,
Until one day she lost her temper.
Seems now everyone blames him,
But she knows that it was of equal doing.
There is no longer a sparkle in her eye,
That went away the day he said good bye.

I can see the look in your eyes,
The one that says "if only we got more time."
Its not that we dont try,
We just have a very busy life.
Occassionally our paths cross,
It is then that we absorb ourselves in each other.
Knowing we dont get opportunities for tommarrow,
We let not one minute go to waste.
Ours is a love affair that has never been,
Yet its always been in our hearts.

Clarity and innocence,
Love and life.
Her eyes held so much,
Yet her life was so short.
Purity and understanding,
Wisdom beyond her years.
Courage and strength,
She was at peace with the injustices that befell upon her youth.
Life to her was a gift,
One she knew was of numbered days.
She taught us many lessons,
And we each felt blessed.
For when she left,
We knew she wasnt afraid.
Because in our hearts,
We knew apart of her always stayed.

I Moved On

I always knew the day would come,
The day you would say good-bye.
I just never knew the day would come,
And it would come so soon.

It took time and lots of tears,
But my heart moved on.
Life brought forth new meanings,
Once again I learned to smile.

Eventually I learned to deal,
My heart built new walls.
Never turning back to see who was behind me,
I started to live again on my own.

Just as my life started making sense,
You decided to try and drop back in.
This is when I found the strength I thought I had lost,
And turned and walked away.

Now I know I can live with out you,
But you have to live with what you did to me.

Take the Memories With You When You Go.

When you go dont forget to take it all.
Take the memories and all the things in your closet in the hall.
Leave me with no reminders,
For I want nothing to remember.
One day down the road you will think about what you left behind.
But dont worry about me,
I'll get by just fine.
You will look back and think of me,
Then you will have to live with the regret of breaking my heart.
I will pick up and move on,
But you will think of me.
When you leave dont forget to take it all.
I dont want the memories anymore,
I refuse to let you live in my heart forever.
This time I know I did no wrong.
So take all the memories when you go.

Too Late

You would think he would have noticed,
But he didnt at all.
She quit wearing her ring,
Only after the fights got the worst.
He focused on every thing else,
All the while he was losing her.
Maybe if for once he put her first,
She would have stayed.
You would think he would have noticed,
But he didnt at all.
It wasnt until he came home to find her gone,
That he realized something was wrong.
Now he turned his attention to her,
Only to find it was too late.

You live

I am filled with the presence of some one I never knew,
Though they were of my own flesh.

I feel slightly taken aback observing a playing child,
Knowing mine never got this chance.

Sadness engulfs me,
Imparting tears to pass threw my eyes.

I cant help but think I gave consent to this,
I allowed the danger to become a factor.

You may have made it here,
Had it not been for my inadequate judgements.

Forever I will live with my guilt,
Knowing you may have had a chance if I had just not had those drinks.

I see you in the eyes of every small child,
Wondering what my life would be like now if only I had you to hold.

The thing I regret the most is that you never got the chance,
And I took that from you.

I have been told that I was not to be faulted,
Yet I feel I could have done more to protect you.

There are days dear baby,
That I will feel you all around me.

Feeling your total presence,
Missing out on what could have been.

You live in the eyes of all the small children I see,
But most of all you live in my heart.

Fighting temptation

I can tell my self the reasons why I wont do it over and over again,
Yet they arent always convincing.
I tell my self not to allow it,
Dont let anyone else take hold of your heart.
Keep your chin up and act as if they arent there,
Its worked thus far so it will work again.
Then again I can feel the pull,
That tug at my emotions ever time.
Knowing that next time I may not recover,
I resist the temptation.
I will not fall in love,
I will not get hurt again.
But oh the charm that love dangles in my path,
Looking so attractive and enticing.
My mind tells me no,
But I cant fight the currents forever.
I can hope and pray,
That next time love comes knocking it will stay.

Years later

With each passing day the pain grows stronger,
Though I know its only the time of year that does this to me.
I have restless and haunted sleep,
Dreaming of those few days.
That first week,
When as a young teenager my life grew very still.
I remember the need to run away,
Now years later I feel the sting of regret.
At the time I felt it necessary to leave,
To just get away from the chaos.
I now wish I had stayed and faced the truth,
Been strong as many of my friends were.
Looking back I wish I had really said goodbye,
Though I have the peace that many dont.
I hugged you on the way out of school that day,
Fixed a wrong that would have otherwise been left undone.
I wish I had said so much more,
And let you know that your friendship meant the world to me.
Now years later I feel the sting again,
Every year this time I go back.
I recall all the hurt and pain,
But I wont go near the water.