All about me

I am just kinda sitting around tonight. As most nights here lately, I have a head full of things that are getting to me. I have so much spinning around in my head. Trying to fix my own personal problems. Those that I talk to no one about. Those that I see as a flaw in my character. I picked up my Bible earlier but set it back down when I realized how unworthy I really am. I just dont know where to begin. I ask God to forgive me for these flaws that I cant change, yet he created in me for some reason. These flaws are ones I tend to hurt myself with. I am head strong and closed off. I kill my own spirit when I hurt other people. Its not like I plan to hurt them. It just happens. My heart is so hardened right now its pathetic. I have that soft spot of coarse. But few know where it is or how to get in. Occassionally I look and realize some one found that small enterance and managed to sneek in. By then its too far along for me to protect (hurt) myself, so that they cant see the pain with held. I know that is stupid. I have issues. I dont elaborate on them out of shame. Issues with my dad. We used to be quite close even though I really cant say I knew him well. Then I became unworthy in some way. He cut me out again. Fuck that I dont care anymore. Hes in that soft spot in my heart, theres no way to protect me from that pain. He is a character in my life of a vital role. Yet he remains a mystery to all of my friends save 5. Chelcie, April, Kevin, Kristy and James. He is hard to explain and rarely accepted. But he is my father. To be in my inner circle he has to be known about. I keep him locked away. Thats the way it shall remain. There are issues with in my heart. I have been hurt, twice. Both times threw my own stupidity. My own naieve nature. Yes I accept total responsiblity for my short comings. One is widely known and talked about on my blog on occassion and actually this blog was borne of that pain. The other was a personal pain. A failure on my part that I refuse to allow people into. I know my shortcomings. I know where I messed up. I know I was a bad person. Thats all there is to say about it. Another issue is concerning my own defensive nature. I love strongly when I do love. No matter who it is or what kind of love. Could be just a friend, a sibling, or romantically if that is how you want to label it. Though I have never been treated in any romantic nature. So I know nothing of that. Dont think I really want to. That way I cant get hurt again. I like sweet gestures, but prefer loving reassurance, as my self esteem varies from high to low. Generally it stays low. Lets face it, Im cute but Im not anything special. Something that has always been pointed out to me. I have my own style. Fuck you if you dont like it. I dont care. Keeps me from getting hurt. But the problem is when I love some one I tend to pull away. At the time I see it as for their own good. But then I realize that all I am doing is hurting me along with them. So see my pain is of my own doing. In all situations it has been my doing. Either I have closed myself off and forced them to turn to some one else or I have just shut them out. I get close to some one and if I dont let them go or push them out, more than not they get hurt. I have no desire to go threw another death. I keep isolated. I dont go out, make new friends often and I dont let people in! But I do love, rather stupidly most of the time but my love is real. Im a rather complicated and slightly contradicted soul. As I have said previously, it is all of my own doing. I dont know how else to be. So for any I may have hurt, I am sorry for my ways. I am sorry for the imperfections. I am trying. I just dont know how to be anyway else.