warning, this is emotional for me...

Have you ever known some one whose life touched yours in a way that you can not explain? Well I have. You know that person who is just your friend, not the person you married or the person you have some lifetime connection with. I mean some one who came into your life for a season, like a coworker or a teacher. That is the kind of person I will be telling you about today.

About two years ago, I moved to the department I am in now at work. This is when I met him for the very first time. He was off in his little corner working on the disaster bulletin as we had just had a hurricane and needed to keep updated information on our hotels. So I thought to myself that he was a very hard worker and kind of kept to himself. Then I started to get to know him and learned there was a wonderful person sitting next to me.

A few months into my endeavor at the lead desk, my friend became ill. To be honest he had been ill a long time, but this was new to me. I never knew that he was sick, to be honest it wouldnt have made a difference in our friendship. So I sent get well cards and such and in a month or so he was back to work and we were picking on him about all the pills he was taking. He was such a good sport about it all.

One afternoon he walked up to me and had that usual sly grin on his face. I said "Ok now what are you up too?" He just grinned and poked me in the side. To this he says " You know that I am gay right?" Well yeah I knew, so then he just laughs like it was a huge secret, "I think you have the cutest figure." That actually made me blush a little.

I worked on two committees with him. That was the Birthday and Team Building Committees. He was always there making me laugh while we worked on projects.

Some of my favorite memories of him were when we would be in a meeting and he would lighten the mood a little with a story. In particular I loved to hear him talk about telling his mom he was gay. She just sat there and clicked her finger nails and said "guess I wont be getting any damned grand kids from you." He did the funniest impression of her.

One afternoon we were under a tornado warning and the managers put us all under our desks. I am famous for my fear of these storms at work. David got up and walked around, when a manager walked by and told us to get under our desks again, he responed with "Well Im gonna die one day anyways so I think I will stay here." This I have to admit cracked me up a bit. But at that point I had no idea how ill he really was. I still have a picture I took with my cell phone of him that day.

I remember the last time I saw him at work. I had been ill. (I guess part of me will always feel guilty for hugging him that day, even though the illness had nothing to do with me.) He had been having some problems and was not feeling so well but I guess part of me knew it. The next afternoon Iheard some one say that he was slurring words and such that afternoon and was going to the doctor for some tests. I was worried some what and called my mom to ask for some prayer.

The next week was a bit of a challenge at work, I began hearing things like he was on an extended medical leave. Then one evening I was in Alpha and our "bat phone" rang. It was him. He was just calling cause he wanted to say hello. I talked a bit and he filled me in on just how bad it really was.

Then in the end of April we got the email telling us that if we wanted to see him again where we needed to go visit. To please do it sooner rather than later, he only had a few weeks to live. So a few of us sat to work and gave the team a project. Why send real flowers when we could make him some. So our team (work) made him paper flowers.

The morning of May 9th, I got the call from my boss. He had passed over the last night. I just kind of sat there in disbelief. Even at work I refused to really cry. It wasnt until the funeral, when they began to speak that I broke down. My friend Christy held my hand through it. We cried together as a team and as friends that day. He made our world a better place to be.

My friend was David Cantrell. I know that he was not some one I knew for a long time, nor that well. But he was some one that made a lasting impression on me and who never ceased to make me smile. There really should be more David's in this world.

**** Im sorry if this story jumps around and is a little out of place. It took me forever to figure out just how to say you love some one who never knew it.

This blog!

I am so excited about a feature I have learned about threw a fellow blogger. I am now going to be participating in the Thursday Thirteen! Actually I have already written a few, I will post one on Thursday. Its a fun way to learn about each other! Totally a great idea for us who sometimes have no idea what we are going to write about!
I am really trying to spruce up my blog. Ive changed quite a bit in the last few weeks. Im very pleased so far! I hope every one else likes it as well! If any one has any suggestions on things I can do to spruce my space up, I am very open to suggestions! In fact, I welcome them!
I am almost to 500 posts in the time I have had this blog. That is so hard for me to believe! I really have enjoyed the time I have put into it, and learning about the other bloggers! Thank you for being a part of my blog!!

Holiday Time

I'm sitting here in the quiet of my apartment thinking about the weeks yet to come of this year. Seems this year has gone by so fast. I'm just wondering what will come of the rest of the year. I have to admit I am a sucker for this entire Holiday season, starting with Halloween. I mean its just the most fun time of the year and I love it!
I love the cold, crisp air, the feeling of electricity all around. The sense of joy that fills the entire atmosphere. I love the way it makes us all feel a little more connected. Well it does me at least.
I just wish that more people loved it for the feeling and for the season rather than for the time of year they can ask for and receive gifts. I love that part too, but shouldn't we give generously year round, rather than at the same time every year? I mean there is more than just the last few months of the year when people are in need!
I hope we can all look at the holidays as a wonderful time of the year this year, but also remember that each of these holidays should be a day that we give thanks that we are so blessed to be here and alive. Thankful that we are all able to be what we want or do what we please. Just remember, its not about what you get, but about what you give.

Hmm.

Well Im bored. I have nothing to do. I talked to Len Cross earlier. Hes in Borger. I liked working in Borger but I dont want to work for Wyatt Field Services again. Too much chance there to possibly run into Toby. I dont need that in my life. I need stability and a sense of freedom. I need independance and support that says "I wont allow you to fail." I need to find out who I am. I have to remind myself every day "independance doesnt mean being alone." I know its stupid but I do tell myself that every day. I have to learn to stop pushing out the ones I love. I have to learn to love myself. When I do that I will be better equipt to love other people more efficiently. Even though I am trying hard to make my heart flip a switch to turn off a love I am not supposed to have. One that wont be happening. One I screwed up. Enough of that. It does me no good to remember my mistakes when I cant rightfully fix them. Kevin and I laughed at each other for a good while last night. I have really got to get out and make friends my age. Kristy and I talked about that Sunday night. She says she knows that I will find them. I just have to be willing to find them. Oh the wisdom of my best friends. It amazes me sometimes. I am missing another friendship right now. I hurt knowing this is all my doing. Dood I said no more of that. So I am gonna go so that I stop thinking about him. I cant keep doing that to myself.

Oh my

Well I know God and I fight alot. Or I fight and God laughs. He must have a great sense of humor, cause Im an ass. Well anyways. I wont say why until I know that she has told who she needs to, but my best friend called me tonight crying. Now I have prayed alot. I am worried about her. I love Kristy to peices. So Im worried. I worry any time she is upset. I just pray that she is fine and that the outcome is good. I dont know what to say. All I said for at least thirty minutes was "Wow" and "damn" and stuff like that. I mean I talked to her. We talked a bit. But thats what the time amounted to. Shock and disbelief. I wish I was there to be with her. How come I left when she needed me the most?? I really gotta work on being a better friend.

So I am revamping this blog. The appearance changed, the title changed. Hell even my profile changed. I figure if Im gonna change so should the baggage. Im starting a little at a time working it all. My life that is. I want to become a better person. I want a life I am proud of.
Dating is out of the question. I dont need it. I need to be free. I gotta learn to fly. I gotta spread my wings and gain some freedom. Get comfortable in the shoes God has given me and stop trying to conform. Some times its just so easy to fit in that we never experience the life that was truly meant for us.
I hurt some ones feelings. I am living with that guilt as my daily companion right now. Hurts me more to know I did that to some one that I genuinely love. Now he wont talk to me. I cant say as I blame him. Unfortunately, I believe that real honest love only happens once. I found that. I let it go. I was and am incredibly stupid for that.
I renamed this blog "Confessions of a Girl On Her Way Home..." because I went back and read some of my oldest blogs and found that they were all just about confessions. The confessions of a female who isnt a girl any more but not quite a woman at her full potential. I still have so many starry eyed little girl dreams, that I call myself a girl instead of a woman. Sure I could have put young woman, but I chose to be more realistic. Besides here lately I have acted like a girl not a woman.
One day I hope to regain the friendship I so mortally tatered. For now I think I will surround myself with the ones that are around me that I love. I am finding little peace hiding from it. But I am finding hope in the most unlikely places.

2004 A Year In Review

Ok Heres a brief overview of my year in 2004... Lets see if I really learned anything this year....
January..... For New Years Eve I was at Stephanie and Micheals house with Toby and Kristy. My Uncle Bo and I had a real conversation on the 17th. with out fighting and he told me he was proud of me. Thats never happened before. That was my months highlight.
February..... 2nd I turned 22. Damn Im getting old. Then I learned that because I have no credit I cant get financed for a car.. Hmm what a bummer. Kristy, Toby, Katherine and I all went to Bryan for Valentines day. That was alot of fun actually. No real high light for the month.
March...... On the 19th Kristy and I made a trip to Tyler to go see Cross Canadian Ragweed and Gary Allan. That was awesome. I called Hope to let her hear some songs. That was the high light of the month for me.
April....On the 1st we went to Huntsville to see Ragweed again. This time Kris Fairley went with us. Had a blast got my foot broke. Then some time that month asshole called to ask me my ring size. Hmm what a liar.. Got offered a job that I didnt take in Dumas. Highlight was most certainly Ragweed.
May..... I put in my two week notice to Glicks. Yeah like that really lasted I was there a month after my notice. Chana graduated on the 28th. Toby went to New Mexico, Thus begining the end of us. Kristy and I moved into our new place in Jewett.
June.... One week in Sunny Destin, Florida! That was the coolest trip in the entire world. It was so funny the first day we were there me and Carey went to get in the water and it started storming. But we played in it anyways. Soon as the sun came back out a few hours later back to the water Carey and I went. Kristy, Joey, Carey and I had more fun than we realized I think. Too bad Kristy got there later and left earlier than us. It was a blast. Got some really bad and interesting pictures of all of us and our sunburns.
July.... I started working back at Glicks. Basically I took a month off when it all comes down to it. Toby and I begin fighting with every phone call. Doug and I went to see Lisa for the fourth of July. Then on the 22nd the great Jerk came here to ask for a break what ever the hell those are. I should have told him to get out of my life right then and there. No high lights in July either it was a bad month all around..
August.... I ran into Len Cross! That was just enough to make me smile for a few days. Nothing like one of the Cross boys to make me smile. Then after talking to James one night I decided to call Toby and tell him I was giving up. When I called some woman answered the phone more affirming my decision. On the 19th Kristy and I went to Tyler and she took her National registry exam. End of August I met Alex. Hmm that didnt last too long. But I guess it was nice while it lasted. Got me back into the whole dating thing.
September..... Spent some more time with Alex...I house sat alot for Donna while she got new floors put in. Found out Toby was engaged to some bitch from New Mexico. Found out some things about Alex. That really just made me think twice about the people I keep getting involved with....
October.. The shit really hits the fan on the 4th. I called to tell Toby I wanted to give him his things back so I could really get him out of my life and he allows that woman Maxine to belittle me and call me horrid names. Doug came over and let me cry for a while. Doug and I made a trip on the 9th to Deleon to return all his things. That night began something truely beautiful. Just one phone call from James turned into a nightly thing and well on the 19th we gave up and got together. He started showing me what it was to have some one really care for you. He is the highlight of October...
November.... So begins the Holiday season. James was here on the 12th and 13th. I enjoyed having him around more than I am willing to admit to anyone. On the 14th I got to see my mommy. We went antique shopping and reregisterd my car on the 15th. I was so glad to see her. On the 24th I started working out at night. Umm that didnt last long. Once again the highlight of my month is James but this time its his visit and getting to see my mommy the same weekend.....
December..... Oh what a month. I will just skip to the good stuff! Hope got to come down here for Christmas. On the 22nd Kristy and I made the trip to Borger to retrieve her and came back. The following night I was met in my bedroom by her and Kristy as I arrived home from work. My Pepper Lewis was gone. On the 24th Lisa got here I had both of my sisters! On Christmas Doug took care of Pepper Lewis for me. He resides eternally at the property. For New Years Eve I was at work. So that was the begining of 2005 for me. Hope is my highlight for December.
So I learned alot last year but all were hard lessons on my heart. Im sure I left more out than I realized. But thats the main things that happened. So my year was not so good in some places, bad in some, and great in others. Whats up with that!