Self help

Cheryl sent me a self help book today. I decided not to be so social today and started reading the newspapers. I am looking for a new job. Anyways about the book. Its Dr. Phil. Sounds good to me. He generally gives some pretty good advice. And seriously what I need right now is some self help. Well this all derives from something the two of us talked about last Wednesday. I had gotten fed up with the project I was working on and set it down. She didnt bring one so the two of us started talking. She doesnt know me very well but knew I was not quite right last week. So we talked I told her everything that was going so nicely wrong in my life. We talked about school and stuff like that. So Im looking into a few law enforcement programs. But the bid issue was how she knew from my mom that I was always avoiding fixing my own problems to help some one else with theirs. True stuff. I would rather fix a small country than myself. So she suggested I get involved in some things. Suggested a few books. Well I havent been to a book store so I havent gotten any. Ok Im book picky what can I say. Right now I have been dealing with trying to rediscover that girl I knew so well back before I became dependant on my other relationships. Mainly Toby. Later on I became emotionally dependant on James but that was well before any of the more personal relationship. I am working towards building myself image back up. Because if you dont have a good self image how can you love anyone? I dont know that at this point I really even love myself. Sad to say. But I dont know that I have in a long time. Mom and I talked about that the other night. It was rather emotional. I cried my eyes out. I told her everything, I wasnt real willing before that to talk about James. She asked the hard questions. Why I still had his picture up. Stuff like that. I was honest. I said that before and above all else he will always be my friend. I say that regardless of how my heart feels. I need to grow. Being hateful will not allow me to grow, especially not spiritually. That is something I need. My relationship with God became strained when I started dating Toby. I guess I hid from God. Not like it mattered. He still knew what was going on and all my sins. But I was ashamed. I was no longer the girl that belonged in a church. Or that was how I felt. I was now a girl who was having premarital sex, and living a life so far from what the Christian life should be. I just felt like a hypocrite walking in those doors. No matter who called and said they wished I would come, I stayed home. For a while I went regularly with April. We enjoyed the heck out of ourselves. I even worked in the nursery. Had a blast with that. But I also knew Shellies little boy. Keaton was so much fun. Only a few months old. Me and him would go sit in the rocker and I would put him to sleep. It was nice. I always loved doing that. One day I hope I will be a good mother. Theres nothing like having a baby fall asleep in your arms. I used to love having Katherine come crawl in bed with me. There is just something so precious and innocent about a child. One day I sincerly hope to have my own. For now though I need peace of mind. A peace that will only come with discovering that girl in me again. When I am in touch with me. When my life quits being about other people and starts becoming about me being happy. Then I can let the others in as long as I learn to keep my needs first.