Jeff Kent Scores off of Biggio's three run home run.... 

Roger Clemens pitches during game 4 of the NLDS against the Atlanta Braves... 

Chad Qualls speaks to catcher Brad Ausmus between pitches... 

Three run homer by Craig Biggio. The boys greet him at the plate! 

Craig Biggio hits a three run homer for the temporary lead in game 4 of the NLDS.... 

Brad Ausmus talking to the best pitcher on the Astros team, Roger Clemens during game 4 of the NLDS... Atlanta wins 6-5. Maybe tommarow??? 

James Earl

So I have a friend. James Earl. Thats my boy. We been friends for a long ass time. Well we have never met face to face but we talk. We talk about every thing. Theres no secrets between us when it comes to my life. I know hes got his. But he knows all the little hurtful details of my life. Toby absolutely hated him. He always believed there was something going on between us. Nope never. James is my best buddy. He is my favorite guy friend by far. When I am low I call James. When I need a shoulder to cry on and a smile, I call James. I have a slight bit of insomnia. He works late nights. So we talk all night sometimes. Well now my baby sister, dear Hope, thinks I want him. Hes great I love my James Earl. But I dont know that I have ever thought about him in a nature other than my best friend. Like today for instance. I had a bad day. I returned Tobys stuff to his moms. Well he said Chana had my stuff. She doesnt. He never gave it to her. Well. When Doug and I left I was balling my eyes out. But God it was good to see those girls. I missed them. His mom was so sweet. She was telling me I could do better and all. But God I loved him. I still do. I always will. Well when I got home I checked out the caller ID. James Earl had called. Natuarally I call him back the second I am awake again. Well we talked for a few hours. He made me feel better just by being a friend and talking bout other shit. But of coarse he cracks with " you know you been trying to get rid of that boy since the day you met me." What a dork. Damn I aint gonna lie the boy is hot. Hes got a super sexy voice. But I havent ever imagined us together. Not conciously. Dont forget James Earl we have Paris.... (inside and personal.) James is one of those people I just love to peices. He is some one any man in my life will have to accept. We tell each other we love each other. Just not like that. But 90% of our conversations end in I love you. Now Hopes all wanting to talk to him about her we are made for each other shit. The consolation in James Earl is I would be safe and loved. He is a friend. He is a soul mate of some sorts I guess. We share so much. But God I dont know what the hell I am saying. But Hope you are wrong!!!! Had to say it you know it!

Morgan Ensberg hit a double and now hes being greeted in the dugout by the rest of the Astros! We win 8-5 against the braves in game 3 of the NLDS 

Kent stealing a base I believe... Go Jeff!!! 

Brad Lidge again!! My other pitcher!! 

Carlos Beltran runs the bases after a homer!!! 

Brandon Backe.... Hot stuff. We win again! Thanks to his pitching in part... 8-5 puts us ahead 2-1 in the NLDS... 

make it go away

If my nerves were not so worked up and frayed maybe I could get something done. I finished getting Tobys stuff packed up or at least I think that I did. Hopefully I wont find more. Doug and I are leaving sometime in the morning. God my stomach is turning. I knew this would happen. If some one could just fool my mind into believing that this was not real I would be fine. As each hour passes and it gets closer I am increasingly worse. I need some comfort but have no where to turn for it. I dont know that I can get threw this healthy. I have never been unstable emotionally. Right now I am doubting my stability. My hands are shaking and my stomach is doing flip flops. This is killing me. I am so scared that they will be there in the morning. I am so unbarably lonely. I dont know what to do. I dont want to leave my room. I want to go crawl in a corner and forget this shit ever happened. I want that bitches voice to leave my memory. I want the echo of Toby saying he doesnt love me to disappear. I want this all to be a bad dream. I want to wake up. I want to have a new life. I want to get away. I want to run far far away. I dont know how much more I can handle. I did good for a while. I almost forgot Toby. Then I messed up. Then I let my stupidity get in the way. I have had no reason to smile in a while. I want my pain to go away. I want forgiveness for what ever it is Toby thinks I did wrong. I want the last four years to be nothing but a memory. Hell I dont even want the memory. I want it to be an elaborate dream that didnt end the way it did. I want my friend back most of all. I want a reason to smile. But I robbed myself of that long ago and again here recently....

Nerves And Questions

What do you do when life hands you the shit that your normal nerves of steel cant handle?? Saturday is gonna be hard. Doug and I are heading to Toby's moms to return his belongings and to retrieve mine. How has four years of love and friendship come down to exchanging belongings? My nerves are in knots. I feel like I am gonna be sick. There was a man in the store the other night that closely resembled Toby. He had a small child with him. The child was about 2 or so. I find myself wondering what ours would look like. Would it be a boy or a girl? Stuff like this still haunts me on a regular basis. That child would be about 2 now. I wonder what kind of parents we would have been. I need something to stop and heal this latest bout of depression. Mom and Bill want me to move up to Omaha with them. At this point I just want to get threw Saturday with out collapsing. Doug says I have to do it or I will hold on forever. To be honest when I got into this four years ago that was the intention. Now its like I am a lost orphan in this home we call life.....

Roy O what are you thinking! Damn this makes you look like a fairy! But a damn good pitcher! This is during the NLDS game 2 against the Braves which we lost 4-2 but we havent lost at home in 18 so lets see what Friday and Saturday bring! Go Astros! 

#21 Andy Pettitte my favorite man! One day I say I should marry this man. Hmm too bad I think he is already married. This was at Turner Field at practice on October 5, 2004.... Andy needs to get off the DL!!!! 

Ok Jeter we need less laughing and more playing. Umm last time I checked we only have a 1-1 on the series.... Dont let the Twins knock us out! Damn it!  

Roger "the Rocket" Clemens. Need to go teach Roy O a thing or two but our bull pen has it covered!!! 

Celebratory slaps for my boys on game 1 of the NLDS against the Braves. Ok boys we still have three or four more games lets get in there and win some more!!! 

Jose Vizcaino and Carlos Beltran In game 2 of the NLDS against the Braves. Boys arent we supposed to play nicely??? Get off each other! We wont win horsing around! 

My main man Andy Pettitte... Yes its old but I cant find any recent pictures....Gosh I love him.... 

My boys after they won their last game of the regular season.... We are now in the play offs!!! Nice ass shots!!! 

Astros before the NLDS Game 1!!! Astros win 9-3 against the Braves!!! I hate the Braves! 

Love and Friendship

Ever just reflect on a period in your life? Then looking back you realize that there was some one who loved you threw it all. They sat silently by and never put it out there, but their constant support was always felt. I have a dear friend who has loved me and sat back and let me know when I was wrong or unfair. Ever thought of them as anything other than a friend? My friend has been creeping around in my head for a few weeks now. Even though we haven't talked in a while. Just a few words here and there. I find my self wondering why he is dancing around in that vast empty spot in my brain. I believe that it is not always wise to feel anything other than a sibling-like feeling for your friends. That doesn't mean you cant love them. But when you fall in love with a friend that makes life difficult. It can disrupt all harmony and cause a loss in that friendship. Oh I sound like a fool. I don't know where I was originally going with this, but hopefully all can make sense of my ramblings.......

Misunderstood

Misunderstood
Bon Jovi

Should I Could I of said the wrong things right a thousand times
If I could just rewind see it in my mind
If I could turn back time you would still be mine
You cried I died I should of shut my mouth its headed south
If the words slip off my tounge sounded dumb
If this old heart could talk itd say your the one
Im wasting time when I think about it
I should of drove all night would of run all the lights I was misunderstood
I stumbled upon my words did the best I could
Damn misunderstood
Could I should I apologize for sleeping on the couch that night
Staying out too late with all of my friends
You found me passed out in your yard again
You cried I tried to stretch the truth but didnt lie
Its not so bad when you think about it
I should of drove all night would of run all the lights I was misunderstood
I stumbled upon my words did the best I could
Damn misunderstood
Intentions Good
Its you and I
Just think about it
I should of drove all night would of run all the lights I was misunderstood
I stumbled upon my words did the best I could
I hanging outside your door I been here before misunderstood
I stumbled upon my words did the best I could
Damn misunderstood
Intentions Good

reflecting on my mistakes again

Well I just found out. My directness in that email did infact screw me over. I am lost. Oh well. On to the next phase of my life. Now if I could just get past my past. I hate this. I hate everything infact. Kristy and Donna went to Palestine. I opted to stay home. I think that worried the two of them slightly. I am not myself these days and people are starting to notice. Actually I am gonna wait till about 7 maybe and head to a friends house. We talk about the stuff that no one else will listen to with an open mind. We have gone threw alot of similar things in the last few months. Kris Pittman has been a friend and confidant for a year or more now. We see eye to eye on more than most. Sure hes good looking and all that. But I dont think thats a factor. Of coarse when you live in a little town like we do it doesnt matter, every one is gonna talk. Shit me and that boy got talked about for a long time because of a stupid innocent hug. Hell that is normal. I hug that hater ever time I see him. Then again we work for the same man so everything gets talked about where any of us are concerned. I think I am just going to swear men off all together. It might make my life sooo much better. Just lonely. But hell that has been a constant theme in my life for the better part of four years.....

The coming holidays....

Oh today sucked. I dont know what to do with all this lonely time I have. I am going crazy with it. Men are the pit of my despair right now. I am missing Toby. Not the love we shared but the friendship. God I miss calling him just to say hi. I miss being able to cry on him when I needed a shoulder. Right now I litterally have no one. I have so much on my chest I need to get out. So much that needs to be said. But I have no one of my own to talk to. Christmas and Thanksgiving are coming up. It is hitting me hard that I am gonna have no one. Last year what kept me from hurting was that Toby came and spent both with me. I had all but mom on Thanksgiving. But this year I will have no one. Yes I love the Johnsons. They are my family. But I am still an outsider. The idea of a lonely holiday season is really stressing me out. Christmas is depressing when you are alone. Last year I had Toby to shop for. This year I have Pepper. Wow what fun. Shop for the dog. Hell he dont even know what is going on. I have a feeling this week will be just as depressing and bad as last week was. Wooohoo for the lonely girl in the corner.....

my feelings

Gosh I swear I have had a bad week. Every time it gets better I manage to find a new way to get in a bad mood. I got my feelings hurt tonight. Problem is that this person doesnt even realize they just hurt my feelings. Oh well my bad I guess. Now I have a small problem. I have to find a date or be the third wheel to a concert that was my idea to go to. I dont know what Alex is doing but then again I havent talked to him in a while. Besides I dont really think anyone else would be any fun. I may not go. I want to but I dont want to be the one in the way. Thats the way I will end up feeling. Man I feel terrible. I want to talk to Alex but I dont know what is going on if anything anymore. God I really like this man. He is just so much more than I ever dared to dream of. But I am scared that I have screwed it up again. I mean hell I managed to screw up everything else that made me smile. I swear one day I will learn to stop doing that.

my screw up

Well I think I may have made a mistake. I sent an email to some one telling them what I felt. I have not heard from him yet. I want him in my life. But I think I may have messed up by being upfront about the fact that I was confused over something. God why do I always screw up the things I want the most. Now Im still confused but worried that I fucked up again. What do I say now?

Asserting myself...

I am in the process of finding out who I really am. What I really want. Achieving my personal goals. I made a pact with my self. From now on I am going to go after the things I want. I am gonna persue the men I find appealing. I am going to be a stronger person. Generally if I dont grab what I want I will never get it. Why? Because every time I come with in reach of what I want I back off. I treat my life as if it is made of fragile china. Lately I have realized I am stronger than that. Now the challenging part for me will be how to assert myself to get the things I want. You know in school I went after every thing I wanted with avengance. Why cant I be like that now? I dont know but I miss that girl. The girl who wasnt scared to try for anything she wanted. The girl who let nothing get in her way no matter what her emotions were in other areas of her life. The girl that used all that stress to create movement and song. No matter what I was going threw at home nothing stood between me and my goals in school. For that matter I just took what I wanted and gave as much as I could in return. When I fell short, I just tried harder. Now I am laid back and insecure. Sure I knew everyone had something to say about me and what I was doing. It never bothered me. Now I worry when the least thing is said. I am working on more than just self preservation. I am starting to be more upfront with people about what I want. I put that into action tonight. Though I am super nervous about the outcome of that particular circumstance. I did what I had to do. I cant play with my heart anymore. But I offer it in some areas even when I probably should not. For now I am gonna throw caution into the wind and hold on tight. Lets see where life takes me. I know what and who I want. Lets see if I can bring myself to get it....

The Trouble With Love Is

Ok so I am figuring this out. The trouble with love is it doesnt care how fast or how hard you fall. It makes you see all these pretty illusions then you wake up one day and it has fooled you into believing a lie. It has made everything look so wonderful that you have no clue how to live once it is over. Then you put yourself back out there and it takes another beating because it latches onto the first person that treats you the way you crave to be treated. I sound like a cynic but there is too much trouble to love. Love is a lie that is taught to us from an early age. Something that just kills the people that know how to give it but never quite recieve it. But for those few and far between who find it, it means a small taste of heaven. For me, I think it will never happen. For I once thought I had it only to be decieved by the pretty reflection in the mirror. Its not fair that I played that stupid game of love and I got made a fool of. Now my heart is torn up inside. Its not fair. I have no pride left. I have so much I am trying to rebuild. Problem is it doesnt take much to let my heart down at this point. I just want to be happy. Seems like I will always get left in the rain with out an umbrella to cover me. I need a safety net. I want to take that jump and that is not fair to my heart with its many bruises and missing beats....

Im having a bad day

Ok today Im having a not so great day. The Astros won! Ok theres my good thing for the day but even that cant make me smile. I found out some things today I wish I hadnt. I mean not that it makes a difference on my stance. But I feel like I was lied to. Its not anything that anyone reading is thinking. I dont even know that I want to say what I found out. But it put a damper on my mood for the day. I got my car washed and cleaned out. That was good. I needed to do that badly. Anyways I am gonna go read my book and see if maybe Alex calls. Im not sure what is going on there I havent talked to him in a few days. So Im not sure if he is even still interested. But who knows he may have tried to call... I doubt it though...

Bored out of my skull!

I am bored. Can I say much else that would be a negative captain..... Its Saturday night and I have nothing better to do than make fun of Doug and his weird ass. No sooner than Doug calls, Lisa IM's me to ask his ex's name. Ok Doug is the topic of the night I guess. We went to New Waverly this morning. That was fun. Watched some football game and talked sports with some guy in Kristys family. The Astros were losing at that point. I havent looked to see what the score ended up. The Cubs were winning. Can we say DIE!!! I hate the Cubs!!!!! Ok well I shall resume the lonely boredom! laters!

My Friday Off

Ok so today is one of those Fridays that I have off. They used to not happen very often but they are gonna be a regular thing now. Well. It has been a very boring Friday indeed. I slept in. That was nice. But after that I have done just about nothing. That is other than clean my room. Almost disappointing that at my age I have nothing better to do on a Friday night than sit around and read a book. Dont get me wrong I love to read. But it is Friday night!!!! I almost wish I was at work right now. Joey called earlier. He thinks I am mad at him. Ok well first of all I am not mad at anyone. I hate that he has that impression. Second why would I be mad? Oh well. Man I am bored. Its too early to go to bed. If I go to bed early I will never be able to stay up on the nights I need to. I think Doug and I are gonna start running together. Wooohoo Police Academy here I come. Well at least when I get there I will not be out of shape. The ass tried to call me at about 5 but he said no one answered. The only reason some one wouldnt have answered would be cause some one was on the phone. I dont remember anyone being on the phone around five. But hey I could be wrong. He swears he called the house and my cell. Well it never registered on my cell so he couldnt of called it. Alex is with Chad. I think he is anyways. I dont know. I half expected to hear from him tonight. Oh well. He really has been missing Chad. So I am glad he got to see him. I hope the two of them had a good time. I think he has to work in the morning. Kristy and I are heading to New Waverly but only until about two. Her family reunion is in the morning. We plan on running some errands while we are there. Then we are gonna come back here. Maybe I will get a hold of my favorite man tomarrow. Oh well. I am off again Monday threw Wednesday. So if not its not gonna be a bad thing. I am stupid. I miss him. I shouldnt. I shouldnt have feelings for anyone at this point. But I do. What the hell is wrong with me? He really is great. I need one of his gorgeous smiles and one of his warm hugs right now. My week has just been so emotional. He makes all that go away. I need that soo badly right now. Its almost impossible to explain......

Alex and my Memother

So my day was good today. I talked to my Alex for a few minutes and he managed to effectively put a smile on my face. Damn hes got a sexy voice. Im so pathetic. Im sitting here wishing he was here curled up in bed next to me. Especially since I cant sleep. He is so wonderful. So I had the obligatory phone call with my memother tonight. We have never had a good relationship. This she brought on herself. Its only been in the last two years we have started talking to each other and not arguing every single time. But it does still happen. It was nice this time. Normally its not so nice. I come away feeling like shit. Well she asked how I was and about Toby. I told her every thing. She actually was great. Just said some things I think I may have needed to hear. Shes been threw alot on the level of men and hurt. Granted she caused alot of that but hurt is hurt all the same. I told her about Alex. She said that he sounded like a good man. I was like good doesnt even touch what he is. Its so funny he cant multi-task well, and I pick on him a bit for that. Well he says its one of his many down falls. I made him snicker at me when I said I hadnt found a single fault yet. Its nice to know hes human. I have so many down falls. Its nice to know he thinks he has one too. To me, so far, he is more than perfect. The imperfections complete the man. Im still smiling and I havent even seen him today. Gosh I am so pathetic. His voice is so soothing and calm. I just absolutly adore him. He could probably just talk to me and I would be happy as a clam. No thats true. One short phone call and I will go to sleep dreaming of that sexy voice. Mmmmmm.......

Maxine

Well Toby is not married. His sister told me tonight. It was nice to talk to Kastino. I havent talked to that fool in forever. I missed him. He asked when I was gonna come see him again. I told him I wasnt taking any chances going up there. He understood. Its nice that they all still respect me even though Toby and I are threw. Well heres how it is. Toby is not married yet. He is engaged. The girls name is Maxine. She has two kids and lives in New Mexico. She wants a big wedding so the engagment will be at least a year if not two. I was like damn. Makes me wonder about a few things. I wish that he has the best of luck. I hope he learns a lesson on what love is. Lord knows the man is more emotionally impaired than anyone I know. I hope he learns how to love. I know he never did know what it was if he couldnt grasp it with anyone other than his family. Hell I doubt that some times. He and Chana had a talk Saturday. He had the nerve to tell her that our separation was all my fault because I had a problem with him being with his family. Ok no. I love them. I know what it is like to never see my family so I never held him away from them. My problem was he would say he was going to see them then while he was there he would only come home to sleep. Then off again to go with Andrew and Jason. Ok thats not spending time with his family. I am however glad that I have learned what kind of person he is. I would have hated to get married and this happen some where down the road. To Maxine. I wish the bitch good luck. I hope she can handle his hangups and all his shit. Lord knows she is gonna need all the patience she can get. He is not an easy man to handle. That is if his sisters dont make her life a living hell first. They are already planning on doing that. Chana wont even give the woman a chance. God I wish I didnt know her name...

mmmm mmmm good

MMMMMMM..... I saw Alex in the grocery store earlier. Damn I love when he looks all rugged. Its super sexy.... I ought to shut up now. But damn he looked sexy. Let me tell you I now have a big old smile on my face. I have had so much going on in my head. But when I saw him it all went away. Im not worrying about the shit anymore. He is so good at doing that and he doesnt do anything.

Dont want to know

I promised not to cry when I found out about Toby and by God I havent. It is slowly sinking in though. I can lie and say Im not hurting some. But the truth is no matter what front I am putting up, laughing and such, I am hurt. Even though I am not in love with him anymore, I feel like I spent four years being led on and set up. Once some one told me I would never be good enough. Well shit that is what that feels like. I was in love with this man for a long time. What in the hell wasnt good enough? Oh well I think I will be better off in the long run. I really just wish to hell that Chana wouldnt tell me when he does stupid shit. I love his sisters and promised that I wouldnt cut them out of my life. But damn I wish they wouldnt tell me about him unless its that he is ok. I dont want to know the details. Today I really need to find a reason to smile or I may stay this way all day. Thank God I have tomarrow off to hide and do what ever. But then I wont be off again till Friday and Saturday. I think on the agenda for tomarrow will be absolutely NOTHING!!! Just lay around and sleep. Dream of good things. And rest.

Today I have a mess of junk scattered in my brain. I have been analyzing my life again. With the new found knowledge that I recieved early this morning, I think to myself some crazy stuff. You know when Toby left I actually tried to hit a guard rail on the way home that night. But for some strange reason my car didnt turn. Was this God? Was it my mom sitting at home praying like she said she was? I wondered about that but never told anyone about it. I think to myself now, jeeze that was stupid. Then theres my James. My favorite guy friend in the entire world. James Earl is my rock when I need to cry. My brain when Im being stupid and my common sense at times. He writes such sweet stuff in his blog about me... Makes me wonder why my friends put up with me sometimes. Now there is Alex. He is so special to me. He probably doesnt know that. I have lots of hangups. He picks on me some about them. But he is really patient and understanding. He has really helped me make some significant changes in my life. He makes all the pain go away. As I told him the other morning, he makes me feel safe. Ive not felt that in so long its crazy. Like tonight. Kristy didnt bother coming home. So I am here all alone. If it wasnt so damn late I would call and ask him to come stay with me. But he does have his neice this weekend. I dont want him to miss out on her. I know if my family was here I wouldnt leave for the world. Hell when Hope is here I stay with her every possible second. I miss that kiddo. I really wish she could meet Alex. The idea of him meeting my dad scares me though. My dad is hard for me to talk about when it comes to a personal level. But to accept me, eventually they have to accept him. Very few of my closest friends know anything about him. Well there are some things I will tell but he is just a private matter with me. I dont know how my other siblings deal with him. But I perfer to keep dad to myself. Now mommy is my support system, aside from Hope, Kristy and James Earl that is. I talk to my mommy just about every night. Yes I am 22, yes I still call her mommy. Then theres my daddy Bill. Hes moms husband. When I need some one to make me feel better, I call and get his version of Dr. Phil. But Alex is special and they all ask about him every night just about. Im quickly falling for this man. That scares me. I am not in anyway scared of him though. He puts me to peace. Every thing about him is exciting. Now if you ask him he will tell you that where he comes from he is just a regular guy. Well if hes regular then damn I missed out on the regular boat. He is absolutely wonderful in every sense. Oh some one tell my heart to stop going so fast.....

Low Blow

Ok so I just found out something that sucked the air out of me. Toby got married some time on the 15h. What the hell? Umm this from Mr. Im nevr getting married. Im confused. Im not in love with him any more but that does hurt. I spent four years with him. Four years of him telling me that one day I was gonna be his wife. What the hell am I supposed to think. I bet he got her pregnant. But you know what I dont wish him ill but I think I just might be sick. This is the lowest blow I have ever gotten. I am so glad I have some one that makes me smile now. Damn I wish Alex was here to hold me. I just wanna forget that the last four years ever happend.

Wow

Wow is all I have to say. I spent the night with Alex last night. It was nice. We watched a movie and slept. No you nasty brained people reading this, we didnt do anything. Hes so incredible. Ive never slept next to a man that did not expect anything. Alex just put his arms around me and off to sleep we were. Hes so cute when he sleeps. I watched him for a little while. He makes me smile. I feel safe with him. I am so proud of myself. I didnt freak out at all. Even though nothing happened I still normally freeze up at some point. Not at all last night. I was so comfortable. And he was so peaceful. Im still smiling at 7 in the morning. I woke up about 5:30 and woke him up. We layed around and talked for a little bit. It was so nice. Hes nice to be around in the mornings. I think it really is time that I just let go and followed what is going on in my heart. He is so amazing. I may never in a million years run across another man that I feel so strongly about. Wow...

feeling

Well now my day has been different. I talked to alex a bit ago. He is a sweetie. I was in such a bad mood and well now Im smiling. Damn his voice is soothing. He really is precious and very much a part of my soul at the moment. I dont know if that makes much sense but I really adore that man. He is wonderful. He makes me feel good about myself. Something that I havent felt in a long time. How is all that possible when I have only known him for a short time? All I know is I dont want to lose the connection that we have. Alex is special to me and that scares me some. It is about time I started living a life and stopped fearing the small things that I do fear. My shell is slowly opening. My only hope is that a pearl comes out instead of sand....

mindset of the present

The last few days I have spent in deep thought. Weather or not anyone around me has noticed it, I dont know. I am finally to the point where I think I am ready for major things to happen. Things I normally guard myself against. I am finding strength in places I did not know possible. I am gradually learning how to treat myself with more dignity and finding a deeper meaning in my life. Where the last few years of my life have been focused on another, I am now learning small joys that are all about me. Things in my life are moving at an abnormally comfortable but faster pace than I am used to. I tend to over analyze every small thing. I want to make every moment worth living. I am not sure what it is that made me realize that. All I know is I am sick of living a life where I have no life. My life is made up of the people around me and I some how manage to forget that I have to be happy some where in the process. Lately I have been reminded on a regular basis that I am precious. This is something no one has ever said to me. Save for one person. I am finding that I pay attention to small details that I never cared much for. Where I never really cared for the approval of Toby on my appearance, I find it uplifting and sensual to hear it from Alex. Not that I am comparing the two but I look now and realize that happiness for me was gone a long time ago. Months ago the thought that Toby and I would not be together for long started creeping in my head. I wonder now why I held on for so long. I came to the stark realization the other night that I am no longer in love with him. Like I said, I analyze the small details. I was thinking about the last time I was truly happy. Well I looked at my journal. It was back about two years ago. Then something terrible happened. Something we never told anyone about. Once again save for a few. My mother knew, Kristy knew, and We knew. Eventually I told a few people I truly trusted what happened to me. To this day I believe that one shortcoming in my life is the reason Toby and I were never truly excited anymore. Things went down hill from that day, January 7, 2002. So its been two and a half years. I have grieved heavily on that day and another holiday in which no one would think to think of me on. Now I regret that it happened. But I dont wish it to be different. I would most likely be more unhappy now than I was until Alex stepped in and made me smile. The faint idea of things with him is exciting. He brings out something in me that I cant explain. I sound like a corny fool but I think of him often. I think of all the prayers I prayed to send me something to make me whole again. God sent me Alex. Or that is what I think. I know I gave him this link. I dont want him to think I am crazy. I am not that. I just know that for the first time in a very long time I can feel that large crevice in my heart slowly but at the same time rapidly mend. The rift is closing. I no longer feel the pain that has been growing in me for the last few years. I know I sound stupid. I know I sound very crazy. But apart of me that I thought was dead has a new life. I cant even begin to explain that. But he has opened up that portion of my heart again. That comes with much fear for me. I am scared of love. I am scared of being loved. I am scared of heartbreak. But I am not scared of the pursuit of it. Im not saying that I am in love. I am saying that where I thought it was not possible before, I now believe that it is a possibility for me. I dont want that to scare Alex away. Lord knows I have run off a few really good guys because I have some messed up issues. I just pray that patience I have seen will extend for a longer period. Alex is helping me to live again. I thank God for that every night.

This was on August 23, 2004. I was on my way to my house to put on different clothes to see Alex. It was the first time we were to spend time together. If you look closely there are infact two rainbows. One is just very faint off next to the tree. I believe in signs... 

My day...

Ok so I havent written in a few days. I have had alot going on. Well Kristy went out last night. I have to say Joey is really nice. So far hes good. First impressions are a big thing to me. He really seems to like her and well Kristy really seems to like him. I am so glad to see her smiling again. I dont remember the last time she smiled like that. I got a new pink hat today. Ok we went to the Flea Market. Well Carey and I were trying on hats and that one was cool. So I got it. I really like the ugly thing even if it is pink. Pink is not a color I enjoy but I look good in it. I wore that hat to work tonight. Everyone told me how cute it was. So I guess I have a good one. I talked to Alex this morning. He made my day yesterday by showing up at work. I was smiling all night after that. Today I ran into his mom at the Flea Market. I wanted to cry cause she walked up and hugged me. I havent even known her a month and she hugged me. That made me feel so good. His dad doesnt say much but I ran into him a few minutes later. I didnt see him until he stepped out and put his hand infront of my face. He actually talked and asked what I was doing. I told him I was just running around and getting out of the house. Both of them complimented my hat. Mrs. Bowman said I should wear lots of pink cause it is a great color on me. So hmmm I heard that a hundred times today. I guess I will wear pink more often. I got so many compliments on it. Well a bit after I got to work I decided to call Alex and tell him that I had seen them. Well he was gone. No biggie. His mom and I talked for a few minutes. Mrs. Bowman and I talked for about 10 minutes. She is so sweet. Shes so cute when she talks about Alex. He is her baby. I know she is crazy about her boy. We have interesting conversation and Alex always wants to know what we talked about. Ok sweetie if your reading this nope still aint telling you... But we talked about birthdays today. Hmmm... No Im not saying nothing cause we didnt say much bout yours lol. But thats coming up here quick...

Progress

Ever looked back on a period of your life and thought you regretted it, then you wake up one day and realize it made you a better person? I feel that way. Although I have one more ghost to deal with. That would be facing Toby to give him his belongings. He said to trash them. I dont think so. Some of this is stuff he really cherishes. Why would I throw his stuff in the trash? Im not that mean spirited. Im slowly moving on and learning new things about myself. Im learning so much that I cant believe that there was another person hidden in me all these years. Who I am is slowly coming out. Im working on those fences and stone walls. Slowly they are coming down, board by board, brick by brick. One day I hope to be a carefree person. For now Im healing and learning and moving on as I have said a hundred times. Tonight I had a good night. Alex made me smile and even though we just layed around and watched a movie I enjoyed myself. Hes really bringing out alot in me. I hope he knows that even though he may not see the progress I feel it. Every time we are together I leave renewed and smiling. I dont remember when the last time I felt like that was.

Fences

I built all these fences around my heart a while back. Well I dont know what to say about that. Alex is trying his best to tear them down. Hes got a few of them down. Hes workin on it. We layed around and talked for a while last night. I feel bad cause with out realizing it I will dodge questions that I dont know how to answer. It took lots of coaxing for Alex to get some of it out of me. I feel bad cause I want him to be able to know me with out me freaking out over small stuff. I really am enjoying spending time with him. I still have Toby some where in me though. He hurt me. He hurt me badly. My heart and soul are so bruised that I dont know what they even look like anymore. Slowly I am learning to live as an individual but Im afraid thats gonna push every one away. I dont know myself anymore. There are some places in my heart and soul that I cant go cause theres just too much us involved. But things with Alex are more intimate. Not sexually but intimate. I dont know how to describe that. We have a different level of it that wasnt there with Toby. Theres so much in my life that I am scared to let people see or know about. I am scared to death of falling for Alex. Hes incredible. He is so different from every guy I know. Yet at the same time he is just a man. I am so scared of falling for him but Im already crazy about him and that scares me even more. I was so comfortable with all my fences and now that they are being torn down its like Im walkin around naked. Oh I dont know what my life is right now...

New stuff

Hey guys I have a guest map and message forum on here now. Look at the bottom of the page and then click on the icon. Easy as pie. I know Hope, Allie and James Earl will be there. But anyone is welcome to it. Love all ya!

Thoughts at 2 am

Alex called me a little bit ago. Hes so sweet. Im gonna be grinning all day long. Im not going to even discuss what we talked about. Hmmmm. Now Im gonna be up all night. I think I am going over there after work tomarrow night. Means I gotta look cute. Hmmm what to wear... Only thing he said was sexy panties.... Like hes gonna see them I guess. I dont know. Hmm Im retarded tonight. But thanks to Alex Im all smiles again. All kinds of things are running threw my head at 2 am. Things that dont normally go on in my head. Jeeze Im losing my mind....

Frustrated

Ok so I found out last week that John Watson is married. Ok well that really pisses me off. In the time hes been botherin me he never wore a ring and never once mentioned it. I really had no clue. Well last weekend his wife came in. That was super embarrassing. But thank God she has no idea what scum he is. That was relieving. But the ass has the nerve to come in tonight and suggest some things to do at work while I had nothing to do. I just politely stated that I could call Alex and have him come entertain me. Oh Im sorry was I a little mean. On the up side, Alex made me smile. Though I will keep to myself what was said. We talked about adventure and stuff and well hes convinced hes gonna bring me out of my shell. Im sure he could. Hes pretty crazy when he wants to be. I really like him. He cracks me up. Hes goofy sometimes. Its kinda cute. I tend to be goofy alot so its nice to be around someone I have alot in common with. Im not looking forward to the weekend. With officer dipshit Watson on duty it will be nice and frustrating. Im sick of married men hitting on me. Of coarse my schedule is so screwed up I cant even make daytime plans. Im sick of all the shit. Frustrated is the word of the day.

Happiness

So last night I found out that Toby is in New Mexico with his new girlfriend. Funny thing is Im not bothered much by it. Chana told me that was where he was. I am not really surprised by it but I cant say as it really bothers me. It kind of frees me a little more to go after what I want. Chana told her mother that I started dating again. Shes proud of me. Antonia told me that she thinks Toby will run back to me as soon as he realizes what a shit hes being. I dont want that. I want to explore what could be else where. Im totally loving the time Im spending with another man and well I dont need Toby for my happiness. I still stand by what I said to him though. Love is indeed the condition in which anothers happiness is essential to your own. He says hes happy. Im smiling again and to tell you the truth he has nothing to do with that and it feels great. Im excited about life again. I owe it to Alex.

Kristy Sue

Kristy and Jason had a jet ski accident earlier. She should have gone to the emergency room then but she didnt. Well now she and Donna and Kathy are all up there. Im super worried. I havent been to bed yet. Im so worried. She couldnt walk by herself. Im not sure what to think. She cant take meds so thats out. Im thinkin bad concussion. You should see the bruise on her head. Im worried cause I commented earlier that she should go to the doctor. She rufused it. Im really worried they have been gone a few hours and still no news. Im gonna drive myself insane. Shes my best friend and I love her. I dont know what I would do with out her. I know this is a minor thing but Im still worried.

Mitch pisses me off

Man my head is full of thoughts today. Im just so scatter brained. Mitch really pissed me off. The last few weeks I have felt really good about myself. Mitch came in and asked if I was in an accident too cause I looked like I wasnt feeling too good. I was like Gee thanks there asshole my self confidence just went down the tube. Alex spends all this time telling me how pretty I am. I actually start to think it and Mitch shoots it down. Then when I said something he was like "hey Im just pickin." Ok well hell I know Im not gorgeous but hell every time I start to feel good about myself he has to open his big mouth. Last time he said he didnt know how I could look in the mirror when I live with Kristy and shes so pretty. Then theres Carey and shes just beautiful. I was like huh. I dont really think about what they look like. But that hurt. Why didnt he just come right the fuck out and say hey your ugly. Wouldnt hurt as bad if he did. I dont really care what he thinks cause generally Mitch pisses me off. But I have never done anything to him to ask for that kind of shit off him. I need a smile right now. Im unexcited I have to get up super early in the morning but I dont mind. I like going places with Mamaw. Im totally bummed and I attribute it all back to that shit head. Im like totally ready to get the hell out of here for a while. I need some time out of the house. Kristy and Jason wrecked the jet skis earlier. She most likely has a concusion. The damn thing hit her in the head. Shes got a huge bruise. Poor thing missed work tonight and might miss in the morning. Im turning completly girly I painted my finger nails and did my toe nails to match. Alex calls it pampering myself. Ok so I did. But thats weird to me. Im not usually so damn girly.....

hmmm what goes on in my head...

Ok well last night I totally clammed up on Alex. I know I have already said that most likely. But damn Im an idiot. He said something and well I just froze. The thought that went screaming threw my head was a bet that Kristy and Carey made. They are placing stakes on my sex life. Ok sure its been a while. A long while. But damn. So when Alex asked me if I was ok last night I said yes. Well he asked why I got all nervous. So I told him. He was actually more accepting of it than I thought. I flat out told him about the bet they have and damn if he dont want in on the action. Im not lying that just cracked me up. So yeah. Ok so Im a little closed off on the sex thing. Im scared to death of it right now. But Toby always just expected sex. It wasnt something I had alot of choice about. Dont get me wrong I had a good time. But no was never an option. If I said no I was ignored or he would run his mouth to every one about my short comings. Ok well lets see hes 8 years older than me so ok he has lots more experience than I do. Sorry if I wasnt super freak. Im not gonna lie though Alex really makes me melt. That scares the shit out of me. He will reach out and touch my hand or arm and my insides are gone. Its like weird. I have this wall around me and well he got in some how. He makes me feel so good about myself. Ive never had anyone look me in the eye and say I was beautiful. It makes me feel beautiful. I dont know how to respond to that. I guess that can get frustrating. But hell he tells me what he thinks about me. About what he wants. I cant express that stuff. I dont know what stops me but I am not real vocal about what I want. Never have been. Im scared to death that Im gonna scare this incredible man away with my fucked up ways. Hes so smart. I learn something new every time I go over there. I am litterally fighting with in my self to stay still and not do anything that I may regret later. Sex is a big deal for me. I reserve my body for love. I want desparately to know what that is one day. On the other had I look and say man Im a prude and curse myself for having these values. Why cant I be normal and not care about what happens to my body. I have worked so hard to keep myself in check. I try even harder to play by the rules that God put on me. But well I screwed up there with Toby. Hell I gave him the only thing I had to offer the man I marry. My body. Now I sit back and wonder what the hell was I thinking. Will I ever know what true love is? Is it really out there for me? Should I really baby my body the way I do? Why the hell cant I be more open about my sexual feelings? Ok I know you are reading this Hope. Im sorry this is so expicit but Im trying to identify who I am. I have all the same needs an feelings any other woman my age does but Im impaired emotionally. All this goes on in my head. But Alex has made me smile and laugh again. I wear this huge smile every time I think of him. Just remembering the way he touches my arms or holds my hand or kisses my hair when we are laying around. It makes me realize I never got anything close to that with Toby. Im scared of what is happening with me. I am scared to let some one else in. but Alex makes all of the pain go away. He makes me smile and realize I have a choice. Im happy just to be near him. I even dress nice just for him. I want to be that beautiful girl he sees. I want to feel as beautiful as he makes me feel. Its all new to me...

You guessed it....Alex

Wow thats all I have to say. Hes so awesome. Ive never met anyone quite like him. He makes me smile. I know Ive already said that. I really like the time we spend together. I seem to put my fences up on occassion. Im not quite sure why though. His patience amazes me. I tend to be quite frustrating at times. Trust me I know I frustrate him with how guarded I can be. But what really gets me is that he still wants to see me. Im so totally comfortable with him. Theres just not enough good to say about him. I could talk all day and never hit the tip of the iceberg. Ive never had anyone look at me the way he does. Oh and soo smart. Hes just full of all this knowledge. Have I mentioned lately that he is super sexy. Oh my gosh how I managed to get some one that sexy, smart and impressingly wonderful that actually likes me is beyond me. Im just floating on cloud nine. I cant wait to see him again. I just totally adore every thing about him. That kind of scares me a little but only cause well Im still mending. He makes all that go away though. Im grinning right now. I cant help it he just leaves me with a smile no matter what. Im excited by what he does to me. And hell half the time thats just the smile. But God when he touches me. Oh my insides are freakin liquid. Im so corny. Im not ready for sex with any one right now but man its hard to say no. Even though he doesnt pressure me its there. I just keep telling myself to calm down. Dont jump in head first the way I did last time. Im walkin on air and I dont know what to think about it.....

Moving on...

I find it appropriate to quote a song here...
By Rascal Flatts...

I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with the past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moment of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin on

I'm movin on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no garantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I could'nt
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived that I should'nt
I had to lose every thing to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin on
I'm movin on
I'm movin on

This is the most fitting theme to my life at the moment and well Hope I think it is yours too my dear little sister. Read the words feel them. Its our life girl. It is mom and dads divorce for us, significant break ups and loss. But most of all it is me and you finding the strength to do what the song says... Move on... Love you baby sister...

Cheezin

All day I have had a big old cheesy grin on my face. Every time I think about Alex I just break out into a smile. He is like so incredible and the man dont even know it. And sexy... Oh my gosh I could look at those eyes forever. They are super gorgeous. Funny thing is that if I compliment him he gets all shy. Hes just too much. In a good way. Gosh I cant believe I have known this man a few days and he is gracing my journal a second time. Gosh Im so scared I will hurt him cause Im so difficult at times. But I really want to know what could happen here. This is really incredibly releasing to be around some one with no expectations and no preconcieved notions. Gosh Im smiling again....

Alex

I met this guy. His name is Alex. I spent some time with him tonight. Oh my gosh he is so different from any other man I have ever known. He gave me compliments and was just amazing. He is more than I could possibly hope for in a guy. Im not sure what is happening. But I really like him. Oh my he is super hot. He has the prettiest eyes. They are like a blue green color. Hes got a great body. Im extremly comfortable with him. Im never too comfortable with anyone. But I can open up to him and feel comfortable with him. He doesnt try to force anything on me. I really enjoyed his company. That was really nice to just lay around with some one and not feel any pressure of any kind. I dont what to think, Ive never had any one just look at me and smile for the heck of it. He tells me that he thinks I am sexy and he is really a gentleman. He smelled really good. I know thats stupid but damn the boy has it going on and its in all areas. Im totally interested. But Im testing the waters very cautiously. He knows my issues and all. It doesnt intimidate him at all. I have never been treated the way he treated me tonight. His parents are really cool too. We were at his parents house cause he is staying with them at the moment. They were really awesome. We talked a little about baseball. It was really cool. I think I may see him again tomarrow after he gets off work.

This monkey and his dog really crack me up. his website is www.whiplashrides.com 

This is Whiplash the Cowboy Monkey 

My decision

Today I about drove my self half out of my mind. I worried and fretted and well went nuts. I called Toby and bitched out his voice mail. Hours later decided to make another call only well I havent done it yet. I plan on calling him and though I know he will not pick up his phone, I plan to tell him I wont be calling anymore. I am letting him go. James told me a few weeks ago to just let him go and live again. Then if it is meant to be he will realize what a dipshit hes being and come back. Well for some reason while I was watching a movie it hits me. Maybe I should call and tell him that I was in fact letting him go. If he loves me it will happen for us but if not well he will eventually show up and take his things. I cant go on living the way I am now. My life is a pathetic wreck just because I dont know how to live with out some one that I have based my entire adult life on. Well it is time that I learned to live my life on my own. I love him more than I ever knew it was possible to love anyone. But if I dont know who I am what use am I ever gonna be to any one. Hopefully it will open his eyes and he will realize what his life could be. I already know what mine could be with him. Even if this is temporary I need to know what my life can be with out him. Maybe this break thing wasnt such a bad idea. I mean hell I came to that conclusion weeks ago after talking to Mike. Some how it just didnt sink in till about 25 minutes ago. So some time tomarrow I will go get my cell phone reconnected, then I will begin living my life again. Hopefully some where down the road he will be included in it..

Ughhh

I had one of those days today that just really sucked. Well first of I get to work and things are going good. Every thing was just fine then I had to ask a lady to move her car. She was blocking our entrance to the store and our handicap ramp. Big no no. Well first off I ask her if she had anyone handicap in the car. She said no but there was a pregnant lady. I said ok just let her out then move the car. She was like rude and "but shes pregnant. that qualifies as a handicap." I told her no pregnancy did not qualify as a handicap. So she starts spouting out that I am a racist white bitch that just wants her to move cause shes black. Well umm forgive me but Im not anywhere near that. I am in love with a mexican. Our neice and nephew are black and mexican mixed. And I love them. Well I didnt say anything further to the lady. She came in bitching about me and my assistant manager asked if she had a problem. She told Susan not to be rude to her she was getting enough of that from me. Ok well I wasnt rude and she heard all I said to the lady since she was infact blocking the door. I was in the store when I said it to her. Well so Susan is now a racist white ho too. Well she starts telling us that she was gonna call Shell Corporate and get free gas for the rest of her life because we are rude ass racists. Nothing was ever said about her race. OK so this really hacks me off. Now Ive never been reported for anything in my life, in fact I have been reported for being extremely nice. The customers I have have actually called Shell to thank me for being helpful. She starts her shit telling us that her uncle is the mayor of Houston. Ok we live like 140 miles from Houston so what does that have to do with the price of eggs and milk? Nothing. Personally the Mayor of Houston is a dip shit. Ok I know Ive lived there under his pathetic policies and shit. So if I were her I wouldnt be so proud considering he was asked to step down for being crooked. Well any ways the stupid woman thinks that shes gonna get gas for life off of this. Im like no uh uh. Ok on to the good stuff. At about 5:30 I got a visitor. I havent seen Len Cross in forever. When he said my name I ran and jumped on him. I missed that crazy man. He is one of those people I dont mind telling anything. He lets me cry or what ever. Ive known him my whole life just about. Well I was so happy to see him it just made my day. Here lately I need that. Well to make a long story short now hes worried bout what is happening with me and Toby and hes gonna start stopping to see me twice a week. I missed him. He wants me to start working with them again. I may consider it. I miss my boys. Problem is if me and Toby arent together Im gonna see him alot. He works with Toby alot. Well, my back is killing me I will write later.....

My baby sister

My baby sister is 17 and she has a boyfriend in another state. Shes had issues since moving back to dads. She thought that her boyfriend had broken up with her. That was the impression every one got. Ok well I got my feelings hurt in that whole mess. I love Hope and I know now that the reason that she didnt come wasnt what I thought. I thought Hope didnt come see me this summer because she picked seeing her boyfriend over me. See he went to Houston to see her at my sisters house. This all happened the week that she was gonna come see me. Well I was hurt. Now I know that wasnt her reasoning. Hope and I are cool . I got her started doing this blog thing. It helped her release pent up tension. Well now her "boyfriend" is using her thoughts against her. Calling her a cheater. Well let me just say, Hope doesnt care enough about anyone to cheat. She is a faithful person and loyal as all get out. If you wanna accuse her of shit well your gonna wanna back up a step Jon. I never met you. If you keep this up your gonna wish you were already far far away. See one thing I dont put up with is people screwing with my family. I just happen to love Hope. You are nothing to me. Just wait and see the kind of shit I will find you if you hurt her. Shes spent too many nights crying over you and guess what buddy shes wonderful and needs some one who can trust. Learn that word boy it will get you far. I may have a fucked up relationship with my boyfriend but one thing I learned was to never assume something cause it just makes an ass of you. Dont accuse her of shit when she aint doing it. Shes either at home on the phone with me or out with Allie and well Allies a girl and Hopes not like that. So think twice before sticking your foot in your mouth. I dont like when my sister is hurt. I like you even less every time she is upset. Dont play if you cant adhere to the rules buddy. You havent learned the art of war yet....

Sigh

I should be fuming and mad and pissed and hating him. Instead its like I would rather him just come home and us forget about everything that has gone on in the last month. I havent spoken to Toby since July 28th. I miss him something bad. If he would just call me it would make my year. I miss him so bad it hurts. Im starting to think he has made up his mind about us. I just want it to be what my heart is wanting. I want him home. This is the man that I thought I would marry and have kids with. Hes been apart of me since the first time I layed eyes on him. I love him so much it litterally hurts not knowing what our future does or doesnt hold. My life is on hold sort of. I mean I live and go out and do stuff. But I dont want to leave cause its like what if he does come home? Im thinking it may not happen though. I need some closure if that is the case. I miss him. I dont know where he is or what he is up to. Its an odd out of place feeling for me. I wish I knew what the hell was going on. I am so lost its pathetic.

This is Jalepeno the singing dog. She is the dog I previously mentioned died on the 4th of July this year. She is missed. Just thought I would post a picture of the late Holly. Wasnt she adorable... 

in memory of Jalepeno

I just wanted to take a moment to remember the coolest dog in the whole world. Doug Morelands dog Jalepeno died on July 4, 2004. The best they can figure is she ran and ran until her heart stopped. She was scared of the fireworks. They laid her to rest behind Dougs store under a tree in Manchaca, Texas. Holly will be missed by many. She was a nightly performer in Dougs shows. He taught Holly to sing and play the fiddle. She was Dougs best friend and his only child. Please take some time to reflect on Holly and keep Doug in your prayers.

loss of hope and dreams...

Slowly but surely I am facing the loss of my hope and dreams in my relationship with Toby. Its been two and a half weeks since the last time we spoke. He doesnt try and I dont call anymore. Katherine asks about him quite frequently now. She wants him to come home. She asked to talk to him the other night but he didnt answer the phone so I dont know what to say to her. With every passing day my hope dwindles and my dreams that he used to share fade a little more. I wish I knew what to say to him. I wish he would just give me the chance to tell him all that is going threw my mind. Im starting to wonder if he cares even a little any more. Will we ever see each other again? If not man I wish I could convince my heart to get on with the rest of my life. Every one says to try to date again. Right now thats the craziest idea I have heard. It would be unfair to me and the other men cause my heart so fully belongs to another man. Toby means the world to me. I know that I managed to fuck up my chances. I managed to fuck up alot of shit. Its just the way I am. I dont know what to say to anyone when they ask if I am single. I mean hell I dont know. I wish I did.

Lost in the darkness

Well I know today was a hard day for a special friend of mine. James Im here dear if you need anything. I almost called and decided not to. I on the other hand did something that I probably shouldnt have. I called and let Toby know what my days off this week are. Well I mean he asked me to keep him up to date on that so he would know the best time when he does come home. Or should I say if he comes home. Kristy and I talked and she offered to box his stuff for me. I told her I wasnt ready for anything that drastic. If hes gonna leave me permanently I want him to come here and take his stuff. Then I plan on sending our photo album to my mother cause I may want that one day. All the other pictures I will give him his choice of. I know Toby is the great love I was meant to find. I feel it in my bones. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head. If he would just call and say "hey I still dont know what I want" that would be at least something. Or if he would call and tell me that hes still around that would be good. I dont care what it is as long as he would call and say something. Im so lost its pathetic. Im not really ready to be with other people. Im not excited about that prospect even though I know I have a soft place to fall if I need it. I do know that I am ready to run away. Im ready to just take off one morning and stay gone where no one can find me for a few days. Ive had a few offers from people that no one would even think to ask if I did disappear. Im thinking of takin them up on it here in a few weeks. I need a serious break from my every day life. I wanna go somewhere where I can cry and let it out. Im in serious need of a spiritual rebuilding. I dont know who I am anymore. I have identified myself as a we for 4 years now and now I dont know how to individually identify myself. What happend to me? I used to know who the hell I was. Now I have no clue and dont know where I am going. I dont know what is up and what is down. Its sad cause a few weeks ago I could have told you where my life was going. I know Im doubting myself unjustly, but I dont know what else to do. Its my nature I guess. I used to take charge and go after every thing I wanted. Usually I made it happen too. Now the one thing I want the most is what I am the most scared to go after. I am truly afraid that I lost something I hold so dear to me.

Alone....

Every time the phone rings or a white dodge drives by my heart stops. I keep thinkin maybe its gonna be him. But as the last few weeks its not him. Im seriously having a hard time today. Every major decision I have made in the last four years has been done with him in mind. With his opinion being the biggest factor. Im lost now. I dont know what to do with my self. Where is my life going? What is happening to me? Will I ever be whole again? Im so lost its crazy. I just wish I knew what the hell was happening. I hate waiting like this. He wanted time alone and Im trying to give it to him. I havent tried to call in close to a week now. I was hoping that he would after realizing that I gave up. I havent given up on us though. Just stepped back and the farther back I step the worse my heart breaks. Im sooo lonely its ridiculous. Whats wrong with me? Why cant I just move on with my life and if he comes back let him? Im driving myself to the funny farm. I swear to it!!!!!

15 days

Im feeling antsy. I havent called Toby in a few days. Or at least I havent tried. So Im now going insane. I used to call just to hear his voice on the voicemail. Now its like hmm. Im taking advice from James. Dont call him and make him miss you. Ok Im trying. Im hoping it works. Im driving myself insane. Hes been gone for 15 days and Im going nuts. It wouldnt be so damned bad if I didnt have a reminder of him every where I looked. But I do. Hes like every where. I open the closet or my dresser and theres some of his clothes. I get in my car and theres stuff. I look at our dog or my key chain. There are so many little reminders of us everywhere. He doesnt have that problem. He just got a new truck so he has no memories of me being in it. He has nothing of me unless I dont know about it. Cept maybe a few pictures here and there. Im so bad hurting its ridiculous. I need a break.

Dating

Well today was good up until on the way home I heard a song that depressed me slightly. Why does that always happen when your having a good day? When I got to work I had to play with Chopper. He got all upset when I messed with someones dog in the parking lot. Then Susan informed me that John Watson had been in to see me off duty but I had barely missed him. I wonder if that man is seriously losing it. Im not worth that kind of effort. I know if I was him I would have given up along time ago. I like him though. Hes different. Hes a State Trooper. Hes good looking, tall, and single. But this large chunk of my heart is missing right now. Until I know for sure what Toby is gonna do I just cant date another man. I did, however, agree to do civilian ride alongs with him. Considering Im hoping to get accepted in to the academy by January, it will be good experience. Im lost and confused though.....

James Earl

I talked to my best buddy James last night. We talked for a long time. He listened to me cry and bitch. I listened to him. And he made me think about alot of things that Ive never thought of before. Some I aint got any business thinkin bout but none the less he made me think. I just wanted to say thanks to him cause well Im stubborn, hardheaded and a moron. Well he just lets me know when Im wrong and when things will be better. When my faith is low he manages to boost my confidence. I hope everyone finds a friend like that....

State Trooper Watson

So we have this State Trooper here named Watson. Hes tall, attractive, and for the last year hes been trying to get me to go on a date with him. Well I havent. Of coarse I havent. Ive had a boyfriend. As far as Im concerned I still do until Toby tells me what he wants. Well today he honked at me while I was at work. I waved so he whips his patrol truck threw a median and comes back. Ok Im not talkin a grassy median. Im talkin fresh construction curbs no grass or nothing bout one foot deep after you go over the concrete curb, kind of median. Then he buys about 20 dollars in gas just to have an excuse to come and see me. Ok and he grins the whole time. It cracks me up that he trys so hard. Lets face it Im just not worth that trouble. Or at least I dont think so. Well about 10 minutes after he left my boss calls and Chris shows up to see what the hell me and the cop were doing and why the hell he tore threw the median like a maniac just to buy gas. So now all the guys at the shop are takin bets on how long it will take him to get a dinner date. Well hmmm hes been trying for about a year and a half. Thats about as long as I have worked there. So Im thinkin hes gonna be waiting a while. Im just not ready to date. I mean I still have this small glimmer of hope that Toby will come home. I know I sound stupid. Go ahead and say it cause trust me I know. But why is it that all these great guys come along when Im no where near ready to have them in my life????

sad

Its really sad when his 12 year old neice asks me what is going on. I had to tell her not to be mad at her uncle cause he loves her no matter what happens between us. God this hurts so bad but I cant hide. I dont know what to say to her and she has so much to say. She says that in her eyes I am her aunt. But I cant make that real for her. Im so lost in my own world right now its sad. I dont know where he is or what hes doing. His sister thinks there is someone else. I am like blown away with even half of that thought. I just dont know where my life is at the moment....

Dreams

Ever had a dream about some one you have no business dreaming about. Well I did. It was weird. There werer alot of people there and I knew all of them. All idiots I went to high school with. We were in a tennis tournament. Well first off I dont play tennis, as far as I know neither does the person who was in the dream with me. Well this heinous bitch that I cant stand was in there. Well this person I was dreamin about and I were hugging and talking. We looked mighty comfortable with each other. Well that bitch walks up and asks if we are together. Well since I know how she is and what kind of things she did I said yes. Talk was every girl there was just droolin over him. So I didnt want that bitch to try to get her claws in to him. She had a bad way of hurting every guy she ever got around. So I was not gonna let that happen. Well he looked at me like are you sure. Then we kissed. Ok well Im thinkin that just aint right. About that time I woke up. Ok yeah Im like wondering alot about what goes on in my head when I sleep here lately. This is the second dream this friend has wandered into this week..... Im so confused.....

Flaw in me

One day when the winds change I will too. I mean some times I really think that I do this to myself. I get close to some one then I hurt them with unkind words or something of the sort. With Toby I did. I said something a few weeks ago out of anger and now he barely talks to me. I saw a truck today that was identical to his. I mean down to the last detail. I automatically thought "oh my hes home." Then the driver got out. The man wasnt him. Infact nothing like him. My heart sunk. I felt like I was gonna cry. I know I sound like a whiner. But I dont know what to say. Im a bit on the lost side my self. Any ways. Im hoping that things will work out this week. Im really hoping to hear from him soon. He has been off for three weeks now and I have barely talked to him let alone seen him. I want him to come home so we can work through all of this together.....

Ok you cant tell me that Johnny Depp isnt just gorgeous. Im sorry but this man is just the specimen of perfect. Im tellin you he is the best thing since the toaster oven.....