hmmm what goes on in my head...

Ok well last night I totally clammed up on Alex. I know I have already said that most likely. But damn Im an idiot. He said something and well I just froze. The thought that went screaming threw my head was a bet that Kristy and Carey made. They are placing stakes on my sex life. Ok sure its been a while. A long while. But damn. So when Alex asked me if I was ok last night I said yes. Well he asked why I got all nervous. So I told him. He was actually more accepting of it than I thought. I flat out told him about the bet they have and damn if he dont want in on the action. Im not lying that just cracked me up. So yeah. Ok so Im a little closed off on the sex thing. Im scared to death of it right now. But Toby always just expected sex. It wasnt something I had alot of choice about. Dont get me wrong I had a good time. But no was never an option. If I said no I was ignored or he would run his mouth to every one about my short comings. Ok well lets see hes 8 years older than me so ok he has lots more experience than I do. Sorry if I wasnt super freak. Im not gonna lie though Alex really makes me melt. That scares the shit out of me. He will reach out and touch my hand or arm and my insides are gone. Its like weird. I have this wall around me and well he got in some how. He makes me feel so good about myself. Ive never had anyone look me in the eye and say I was beautiful. It makes me feel beautiful. I dont know how to respond to that. I guess that can get frustrating. But hell he tells me what he thinks about me. About what he wants. I cant express that stuff. I dont know what stops me but I am not real vocal about what I want. Never have been. Im scared to death that Im gonna scare this incredible man away with my fucked up ways. Hes so smart. I learn something new every time I go over there. I am litterally fighting with in my self to stay still and not do anything that I may regret later. Sex is a big deal for me. I reserve my body for love. I want desparately to know what that is one day. On the other had I look and say man Im a prude and curse myself for having these values. Why cant I be normal and not care about what happens to my body. I have worked so hard to keep myself in check. I try even harder to play by the rules that God put on me. But well I screwed up there with Toby. Hell I gave him the only thing I had to offer the man I marry. My body. Now I sit back and wonder what the hell was I thinking. Will I ever know what true love is? Is it really out there for me? Should I really baby my body the way I do? Why the hell cant I be more open about my sexual feelings? Ok I know you are reading this Hope. Im sorry this is so expicit but Im trying to identify who I am. I have all the same needs an feelings any other woman my age does but Im impaired emotionally. All this goes on in my head. But Alex has made me smile and laugh again. I wear this huge smile every time I think of him. Just remembering the way he touches my arms or holds my hand or kisses my hair when we are laying around. It makes me realize I never got anything close to that with Toby. Im scared of what is happening with me. I am scared to let some one else in. but Alex makes all of the pain go away. He makes me smile and realize I have a choice. Im happy just to be near him. I even dress nice just for him. I want to be that beautiful girl he sees. I want to feel as beautiful as he makes me feel. Its all new to me...