The last few days I have spent in deep thought. Weather or not anyone around me has noticed it, I dont know. I am finally to the point where I think I am ready for major things to happen. Things I normally guard myself against. I am finding strength in places I did not know possible. I am gradually learning how to treat myself with more dignity and finding a deeper meaning in my life. Where the last few years of my life have been focused on another, I am now learning small joys that are all about me. Things in my life are moving at an abnormally comfortable but faster pace than I am used to. I tend to over analyze every small thing. I want to make every moment worth living. I am not sure what it is that made me realize that. All I know is I am sick of living a life where I have no life. My life is made up of the people around me and I some how manage to forget that I have to be happy some where in the process. Lately I have been reminded on a regular basis that I am precious. This is something no one has ever said to me. Save for one person. I am finding that I pay attention to small details that I never cared much for. Where I never really cared for the approval of Toby on my appearance, I find it uplifting and sensual to hear it from Alex. Not that I am comparing the two but I look now and realize that happiness for me was gone a long time ago. Months ago the thought that Toby and I would not be together for long started creeping in my head. I wonder now why I held on for so long. I came to the stark realization the other night that I am no longer in love with him. Like I said, I analyze the small details. I was thinking about the last time I was truly happy. Well I looked at my journal. It was back about two years ago. Then something terrible happened. Something we never told anyone about. Once again save for a few. My mother knew, Kristy knew, and We knew. Eventually I told a few people I truly trusted what happened to me. To this day I believe that one shortcoming in my life is the reason Toby and I were never truly excited anymore. Things went down hill from that day, January 7, 2002. So its been two and a half years. I have grieved heavily on that day and another holiday in which no one would think to think of me on. Now I regret that it happened. But I dont wish it to be different. I would most likely be more unhappy now than I was until Alex stepped in and made me smile. The faint idea of things with him is exciting. He brings out something in me that I cant explain. I sound like a corny fool but I think of him often. I think of all the prayers I prayed to send me something to make me whole again. God sent me Alex. Or that is what I think. I know I gave him this link. I dont want him to think I am crazy. I am not that. I just know that for the first time in a very long time I can feel that large crevice in my heart slowly but at the same time rapidly mend. The rift is closing. I no longer feel the pain that has been growing in me for the last few years. I know I sound stupid. I know I sound very crazy. But apart of me that I thought was dead has a new life. I cant even begin to explain that. But he has opened up that portion of my heart again. That comes with much fear for me. I am scared of love. I am scared of being loved. I am scared of heartbreak. But I am not scared of the pursuit of it. Im not saying that I am in love. I am saying that where I thought it was not possible before, I now believe that it is a possibility for me. I dont want that to scare Alex away. Lord knows I have run off a few really good guys because I have some messed up issues. I just pray that patience I have seen will extend for a longer period. Alex is helping me to live again. I thank God for that every night.
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