If my nerves were not so worked up and frayed maybe I could get something done. I finished getting Tobys stuff packed up or at least I think that I did. Hopefully I wont find more. Doug and I are leaving sometime in the morning. God my stomach is turning. I knew this would happen. If some one could just fool my mind into believing that this was not real I would be fine. As each hour passes and it gets closer I am increasingly worse. I need some comfort but have no where to turn for it. I dont know that I can get threw this healthy. I have never been unstable emotionally. Right now I am doubting my stability. My hands are shaking and my stomach is doing flip flops. This is killing me. I am so scared that they will be there in the morning. I am so unbarably lonely. I dont know what to do. I dont want to leave my room. I want to go crawl in a corner and forget this shit ever happened. I want that bitches voice to leave my memory. I want the echo of Toby saying he doesnt love me to disappear. I want this all to be a bad dream. I want to wake up. I want to have a new life. I want to get away. I want to run far far away. I dont know how much more I can handle. I did good for a while. I almost forgot Toby. Then I messed up. Then I let my stupidity get in the way. I have had no reason to smile in a while. I want my pain to go away. I want forgiveness for what ever it is Toby thinks I did wrong. I want the last four years to be nothing but a memory. Hell I dont even want the memory. I want it to be an elaborate dream that didnt end the way it did. I want my friend back most of all. I want a reason to smile. But I robbed myself of that long ago and again here recently....
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