My song!

My silly friend Ryan is play writing me a song. Im laughing at it right now. Not bad though . It made me laugh. And I love how my name is not in it! Its funny. We are on Yahoo right now laughing!

I can write a song about puppyweld
her hearts been trampled on all too well
she came from texas but it's cold up here
but not as cold as her heart or as wet as her tears
she believed in love a long time ago
now she wonders if it's a place she'll ever return to
she pours her feelings into an internet diary
makes you sad still she says "don't cry for me"
she has a smile that shines like the sun
but the frown comes back when the people are gone
listens to music to ease the pain
sad country songs bring it back again
i know that in time her wounds will heal
her heart will mend when she gets a man who's real
my eggs are done so i got to eat
may not sound like the greatest treat
but it gives me the protein that my body needs
i'm the tree and these are the seeds
that guarantee that my muscles will be strong
i should shut up now, i'm ruining this song

That shit cracked me up. Ryan sure made me laugh. He said "dont put the part about the eggs!" I just laughed and said nope gotta thats the best part. Thought though I would give yall a fun laugh. That did it for me. So thats that!

Self help

Cheryl sent me a self help book today. I decided not to be so social today and started reading the newspapers. I am looking for a new job. Anyways about the book. Its Dr. Phil. Sounds good to me. He generally gives some pretty good advice. And seriously what I need right now is some self help. Well this all derives from something the two of us talked about last Wednesday. I had gotten fed up with the project I was working on and set it down. She didnt bring one so the two of us started talking. She doesnt know me very well but knew I was not quite right last week. So we talked I told her everything that was going so nicely wrong in my life. We talked about school and stuff like that. So Im looking into a few law enforcement programs. But the bid issue was how she knew from my mom that I was always avoiding fixing my own problems to help some one else with theirs. True stuff. I would rather fix a small country than myself. So she suggested I get involved in some things. Suggested a few books. Well I havent been to a book store so I havent gotten any. Ok Im book picky what can I say. Right now I have been dealing with trying to rediscover that girl I knew so well back before I became dependant on my other relationships. Mainly Toby. Later on I became emotionally dependant on James but that was well before any of the more personal relationship. I am working towards building myself image back up. Because if you dont have a good self image how can you love anyone? I dont know that at this point I really even love myself. Sad to say. But I dont know that I have in a long time. Mom and I talked about that the other night. It was rather emotional. I cried my eyes out. I told her everything, I wasnt real willing before that to talk about James. She asked the hard questions. Why I still had his picture up. Stuff like that. I was honest. I said that before and above all else he will always be my friend. I say that regardless of how my heart feels. I need to grow. Being hateful will not allow me to grow, especially not spiritually. That is something I need. My relationship with God became strained when I started dating Toby. I guess I hid from God. Not like it mattered. He still knew what was going on and all my sins. But I was ashamed. I was no longer the girl that belonged in a church. Or that was how I felt. I was now a girl who was having premarital sex, and living a life so far from what the Christian life should be. I just felt like a hypocrite walking in those doors. No matter who called and said they wished I would come, I stayed home. For a while I went regularly with April. We enjoyed the heck out of ourselves. I even worked in the nursery. Had a blast with that. But I also knew Shellies little boy. Keaton was so much fun. Only a few months old. Me and him would go sit in the rocker and I would put him to sleep. It was nice. I always loved doing that. One day I hope I will be a good mother. Theres nothing like having a baby fall asleep in your arms. I used to love having Katherine come crawl in bed with me. There is just something so precious and innocent about a child. One day I sincerly hope to have my own. For now though I need peace of mind. A peace that will only come with discovering that girl in me again. When I am in touch with me. When my life quits being about other people and starts becoming about me being happy. Then I can let the others in as long as I learn to keep my needs first.

Hmm.

Well Im bored. I have nothing to do. I talked to Len Cross earlier. Hes in Borger. I liked working in Borger but I dont want to work for Wyatt Field Services again. Too much chance there to possibly run into Toby. I dont need that in my life. I need stability and a sense of freedom. I need independance and support that says "I wont allow you to fail." I need to find out who I am. I have to remind myself every day "independance doesnt mean being alone." I know its stupid but I do tell myself that every day. I have to learn to stop pushing out the ones I love. I have to learn to love myself. When I do that I will be better equipt to love other people more efficiently. Even though I am trying hard to make my heart flip a switch to turn off a love I am not supposed to have. One that wont be happening. One I screwed up. Enough of that. It does me no good to remember my mistakes when I cant rightfully fix them. Kevin and I laughed at each other for a good while last night. I have really got to get out and make friends my age. Kristy and I talked about that Sunday night. She says she knows that I will find them. I just have to be willing to find them. Oh the wisdom of my best friends. It amazes me sometimes. I am missing another friendship right now. I hurt knowing this is all my doing. Dood I said no more of that. So I am gonna go so that I stop thinking about him. I cant keep doing that to myself.

Oh my

Well I know God and I fight alot. Or I fight and God laughs. He must have a great sense of humor, cause Im an ass. Well anyways. I wont say why until I know that she has told who she needs to, but my best friend called me tonight crying. Now I have prayed alot. I am worried about her. I love Kristy to peices. So Im worried. I worry any time she is upset. I just pray that she is fine and that the outcome is good. I dont know what to say. All I said for at least thirty minutes was "Wow" and "damn" and stuff like that. I mean I talked to her. We talked a bit. But thats what the time amounted to. Shock and disbelief. I wish I was there to be with her. How come I left when she needed me the most?? I really gotta work on being a better friend.

Seems I am good at making every one laugh. We sat around the dinner table just laughing it up. Mom and I told stories bout back when I was at CE King High School. Ahh the good old days. Some were like hell but wow I had some good times. Seems I was a bit of a clown. See for me you didnt have a KHS story back in the early three years with out a Kevin story. We were inseperable. Still are except hes in a different state and all. I just got done leaving him a "whut up fool this is Deeze. Where you at? Call me." But thats just how it goes. Im not explaining Deeze to anyone. Deeze is a name that few are able to refer to me as. But Kevin is Don Deigo. Ha ha. I bet Im the only person who can still get away with that, well maybe Scrotum. Haha. Im sooo not going there. Good ol' Sac. I heard hes married. In the military. Damn Im the only one huh. Then Steven. Haha Im still laughing that he married that Diana girl. Rose said that he asked about me. Im thinking, dood could have had me back when he and Diana had broken up our Senior year. What would I want with him now? Ill tell you, NOTHING. But boy was he an interesting love affair. I still cant believe I was stupid enough to like him. Talk about tension. He would bring her to our school stuff and she would glare at me. I would do my part in egging it on though. Always surrounded by my gobs of fools. But no one knew my heart was on hold back then. It was reserved for some one that no one knew about. I still have his our picture up in my bed room. Its my favorite picture. I doubt I will ever take it down. I bet if I was to run into him today my heart would still beat so... I never quite got him out of my system. Though he is now just a cherished memory. He was forbidden for many reasons. But well worth the stuff went through. Im not explaining. I never write his name. I dont intend to now. I dont like that the fact of just knowing someone that loves me could hurt just by hearing a name. The name Maxine and Angela hurt me. But thats old stuff. There is a more recent rather new one I came across by accident. My heart just wants to stop thinking about it. So I think about better things, better times. Hope for the happiness of that loved one. I refuse to take his picture down, I didnt throw away the notebook. I kept all of it. Friendship should be left untarnished by my stupidity. Im trying. I hurt a little more than I want anyone to know. Ive cried enough. But God hasnt let me let it go yet. There is a season for all things. My season right now I believe is for tears and healing. But I dont know how to heal. Left untreated a wound will become infected. I dont know how to treat this. So for now it is throbbing and gushing. What else can I say??

You Dont Know Me

By: Ray Charles

You give your hand to me
And then you say, "Hello."
And I can hardly speak,
My heart is beating so.
And anyone can tell
You think you know me well.
Well, you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
No you don't know the one
Who dreams of you at night;
And longs to kiss your lips
And longs to hold you tight
Oh I'm just a friend.
That's all I've ever been.
Cause you don't know me.
(no you don't know me)
For I never knew the art of making love,
Though my heart aches with love for you.
Afraid and shy,
I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
You give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy
Oh, you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(For I never knew the art of making love, )
(Though my heart aches with love for you. )
Afraid and shy,
I let my chance go by.
A chance that you might love me too.
(love me too)
Oh, you give your hand to me,
And then you say, "Goodbye."
I watched you walk away,
Beside the lucky guy Oh,
you'll never ever know
The one who loved you so.
Well, you don't know me
(you don't love me, you don't know me)

My musical passions.

I went to a movie tonight. I dont do that very often. I just dont do it. But I really enjoyed myself. The movie was good. So Im glad I went. It was one Mom and I had been wanting to see. We went to see Ray. Quite good performance by Mr. Jamie Foxx too I might add. I grew up quite fond of older music. Ray Charles was one of my favorites. Then naturally the Beatles. That was a musical staple at our house. Pink Floyd, George Jones you name it we listened. Like I have previously stated I love music. It is one of the great loves of my life. Arts, I just cant get enough of them.

I tend to be some what goofy. Today Lisa told me that Keith Urban was on GAC. So I went running upstairs yelling at everyone that my boyfriend was on tv. They all just laughed. I cant help it, I like music. I love some artists. But the song struck an all too familiar chord. Then again here lately that happens alot. Currently I am searching for the lyrics to "You dont know me" so far I am unsuccessful. I love that song. I know its old. But how can you hate those words. They are soo true. "you give your hand to me, then you say hello and i can hardly speak my heart is beating so... " Ahh I love that song. Im sure I screwed it up though. Its been several years since I have sang that. But I did. I performed it for a show at school. God I love that song. Just cant find it anywhere. I shall resume the search. I will write more later.

So I am revamping this blog. The appearance changed, the title changed. Hell even my profile changed. I figure if Im gonna change so should the baggage. Im starting a little at a time working it all. My life that is. I want to become a better person. I want a life I am proud of.
Dating is out of the question. I dont need it. I need to be free. I gotta learn to fly. I gotta spread my wings and gain some freedom. Get comfortable in the shoes God has given me and stop trying to conform. Some times its just so easy to fit in that we never experience the life that was truly meant for us.
I hurt some ones feelings. I am living with that guilt as my daily companion right now. Hurts me more to know I did that to some one that I genuinely love. Now he wont talk to me. I cant say as I blame him. Unfortunately, I believe that real honest love only happens once. I found that. I let it go. I was and am incredibly stupid for that.
I renamed this blog "Confessions of a Girl On Her Way Home..." because I went back and read some of my oldest blogs and found that they were all just about confessions. The confessions of a female who isnt a girl any more but not quite a woman at her full potential. I still have so many starry eyed little girl dreams, that I call myself a girl instead of a woman. Sure I could have put young woman, but I chose to be more realistic. Besides here lately I have acted like a girl not a woman.
One day I hope to regain the friendship I so mortally tatered. For now I think I will surround myself with the ones that are around me that I love. I am finding little peace hiding from it. But I am finding hope in the most unlikely places.

Dear Zach

Next... I have been so blah today. No energy. Then again I spent the better part of the last 24 hours in bed. I slept better last night than I have in a while. No disturbing dreams, no ghosts. The one haunting me right now is a double whammy. Zach go away. Stop visiting me like that. I know where I screwed up. I dont need you telling me about it boy. Dont you have a sister or some one to harass. Its been nine years do you still have to be the voice of reason. I know it only happens when Kevin and I avoid the bullshit. I know it only happens when I am not being open with him. But Im not hiding him. It just hurts too much to talk. Jeeze, Zach. I wonder what would have happend had we all just done what we were supposed to that day. I know that not every one realized how good of friends we were. How couldnt we be, there was Tara for pete sake. She was my big sister, your girlfriend then ex. You know what still bugs me though man?? We for no reason acted as if we were mad at you. Shouldnt have done that. We just liked to irritate you. Had I known that was gonna be the last time I would see you, I woulda hugged your neck or begged you not to go to the bayou. Cant quite look at that place the same. Still cant believe you came back for Jed. I bout fell out my chair, no Im lying I did fall out of it, when Rose told me about the accident. Cody was so hurt. I wonder if you know how much you shaped the way our student body depended on each other.

Its getting up on that time of year again man. April 24th I believe. Of coarse Im trying to remember off the top of my head. We burried you on Melissa's birthday. That much I remember clearly. Those two days at school though they were a blur. I remember leaving class a few times. I remember sitting in the hallway with Kevin and Figgy. Instead of being in Choir singing, getting ready for your memorial. I didnt go man. I went on that stupid field trip that weekend. You were burried on a Saturday. Me, Jessica, Melissa, the other Melissa, Jenny, Tisa, Emily, Bobby, and Keith gathered into a room on our retreat and had our own memorial. Our parents were with us. Mrs. Stripling even said some things. But you were the first in a long string of death for me that year. Dood its been 9 years. Can you believe that shit? Look at me sitting here typing to you as if you can some how hear my words. Never thought I would do that. Gosh your sister got to be a pretty thing. Oh and Tara's baby sister, Maegan, tell her whats up for me. You came and got her too. Tore Tara up you know. Shes in the military now. From what I understand she loves it. God I miss her.

I think about you alot. Wishing that I had just been a better friend. Not that I ever did anything to you. But Im sure you know what I mean. Damn man things have really just gone to the dogs. Oh did I tell you Kevin joined the military? Yeah hes a Marine now. Im proud. He really grew up. I wish I could. Im working on it man. I moved from Texas to Nebraska, just trying to find my way. I havent been to see you in a long ass time. I promise next time I am in Houston, first bit of time I get, I will drop by. Gotta see you, maybe stop and see Jerid too. Dood that cemetary probably ought to have me in it too. But you boys saved me more often than not. I guess thats why David and I got so close. Some one needed to pull my butt out of trouble after everyone had graduated. Of coarse you know I never hung much with my own age group. Had no choice that last year. But I loved it anyways. David and Kevin came back to support me. David was at all my events. I do mean all of them. God I miss him. I miss my boys what can I say? Im gonna shut up now Im sure the people reading this are thinking I have lost my mind talking to some one who died years ago. But dood stop showing up in my dreams and I wont resort to it... Love is there for the taking you just have to chose to take it...

Today

Life is about the relationships you have. If you chose to seclude yourself you chose lonliness. I wonder if that is what I do. I wonder if I chose to be alone. I mean I can look back and watch my life. I can see several places where I choose to be alone. But why I do it I will never know. I think for me it is about protection. Years and years ago I got a taste of what it was to lose someone. Left one hell of a bitter taste in my mouth. If ya dont go near the water you cant drown, right? Wrong. I avoid the "water" at all costs. Hurts me good too. Being independant is not about being alone. So why do I think that my independance will never include anyone else?

Next up for bid... Kevin and I talked for a good while last night. Good thing he is two hours behind me on the time thing. He knows the basics. Didnt ask any questions. Thats a first. I told him that we were gonna end up two old folks sitting in rocking chairs at some retirement home talking bout how we could have been so much more. Swapping the "well if you had just butt out" speaches. Truth is though we wouldnt have it any other way. Truth is that we are just an odd pair. May never live with out each other, just never with each other. That would be toooooo wrong. Mom was listening to Kevin and I talk. It was hard to miss I was at the kitchen table eating for the first time in a day or so. Damn being sick sucks. Well anyways. Mom said that Lisa had gotten the impression that James and I had broken up. I just looked at her and said "we did." Tried to go on with my conversation with Kevin. Well she asked what happend, why she didnt know. I just looked at her and said "some times you just gotta let 'em fly." Looked back down at my food and listened to Kevins latest love drama. Bitch better watch out. I dont like whats going on and I generally get the appropriate feelings on that. Never have liked any of them. Hurt him, your on my hate list.

I feel so yucky....

Well I came down with some kinda stomach bug last night. Gee havent I felt great. No. It has really sucked actually. I spent the majority of today in bed, or the floor. Where ever I felt the most comfortable at the moment. I feel so bad Kristy called me last night. She had such good news and immediately she asked me what was wrong. Ok well she had talked to Hope but still. I refuse to cry to anyone. So I held it all in and told her exactly what had happend. Told her the stupid shit I had said. She didnt know what to say. Maybe what I need is time to have only me to worry about. I made her laugh though. I told her all about mine and Chana's conversation the other night. I just hope that he stays away from Leon County. Hes already got enough people mad at him. Heaven help us all if Kevin ever finds him. I got that great and beautiful account the other night. Havent talked to Kevin since Sunday. I need to call him. I need to see him. I need the care that so far out of all the men in my life, Kevin has been the only one to give me. Most people dont get us. Theres no attraction. Though we act as familiar as an old married couple. God I miss him. I havent made any real friends yet. I mean none my age. I have Cheryl. Shes twice my age, great to talk to though. Theres Sarah. But shes my brothers girl friend. Other than that I have met no one my own age. Well actually I havent met anyone my age. Thats cool though. I never did hang much with kids my own age. Kevin is 6 months older than me, Kristy 6 younger, April 2 months. Thats the extent of friends my age. I think my mom kinda has an idea that James and I arent together anymore. But she knows me well enough to know that I dont want to talk about it. Kristy said I can call anytime. But I dont want to ruin her good vibration. God Im so happy for her. Joey proposed. April's getting married, in april. Theres just me and Kevin left now. I dont think the two of us will ever get married, to anyone. Nope. At least me. Kevins one of those guys a girl would die to have one of. But like me, he keeps getting hurt. Keeps getting real good hurt. The two of us could write a book. I swear to God neither of us ever really hurt until we werent around each other. It was after the two of us started living in different states that that shit started happening. But gee could we point out the bull shit. Always could. Ok well I am gonna go face up to him. Talk more later. If I feel good enough that is.

Today I went with my mom to this thing that a few of her friends have every week. Basically they all sit around and talk and work on projects. Anyways, I got frustrated with the project I was working on and put it down. Cheryl and I started talking. Cheryl is 50 so she is a little more than double my age. But I got more out of talking to her than anyone so far. She asked how it all was going. I told her I was ok. She just kinda looked at me. Asked if there was something wrong. I told her what all was going on. Included the idiotic bullshit I had done to "help" it all along. Told her that I though I had managed to run off the one person that I cared the most for. She talked to me for a good while. All the while I tried so damn hard not to cry. The more I think about the things she said the more I know she was right. I told her EVERYTHING. I never open up to people I dont know. Ive only talked to Cheryl maybe three times. So this was interesting that I did this. She told me that she believed that I just need some time to have no one but me to worry about. Even if that means hurting in the process. From every thing she knew from my mom about me she said that I had given too much to other people and stopped worrying about me too long ago. Now how in the hell did she know that. I generally dont care about me, I worry about every thing and everyone around me. I worry about how every one else is. What I can do to help them. Ok so I need to work on self help. I agree. But I hurt James. I had no right to do that. I am a little more than sensitive when it comes to my heart. I foolishly jump to conclusions. I hurt the people I love the most. I hate me for that. I hate the fact that I hurt the person I love the most. In trying to guard my own heart I hurt the one person I love the most. I cant express fully the way that makes me feel. I wasnt a good friend. I am a bad friend. I see that now. One day I hope to be a good friend again. Most of all I pray that James will find it in his heart to forgive me. All I ever have wanted from him is the one thing he always gave. But I was too blind to see it.

My Worst Fear

Rascal Flatts

Last night you gave me a kiss
You didn't know it,
but I was awake when you did
You were quiet,
you were gonna let me sleep
So I just laid there pretending to be
You said some things you didn't know I could hear
And the words "I love you" never sounded so sincere
[Chorus]
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But staying here is my worst fear
This morning I rolled out of bed
Recalling all the sweet things you said
This was the day I was gonna hurt you bad
Called out your name,
but you didn't answer back
I searched the house to find out what was wrong
Like a ton of bricks, it hit me you were gone
[Repeat Chorus][Bridge]
All along I knew that there was something missing
And only one thing left to do
I had to leave behind this life that we'd been living
But the only thing that left was you
[Second Chorus]
It's gonna make it hard to tell you that I'm leaving
Now that I know just how much you care
You finally gave me one good reason not to go
But being alone is my worst fear
And staying here is my worst fear

i want to scream!!!

I am throwing in the towel. I dont think love is worth this shit. All I want to do is go sit in my closet and cry. I have Hope to talk to. I dont even want to go there and call Kevin. NO I refuse to call Kevin. I refuse to tell him I messed up a friendship by getting involved. Im pretty sure thats whats gonna happen. Oh I want to go cry. I dont know what to say anymore. Ive never been quite good enough. Im pretty sure thats what it all comes down to. Fuck it! Just some one else giving up on me. They usually do.

"In this world theres only real and make believe, and this seems real to me." A line from a song I really like. Though I cant say I agree with the whole of it. I just like the song. Though that is the main part that describes me. The chorus doesnt even begin to touch it. But that is me right now. I dont know what is real and what is make believe anymore.

my fight with God.

Here it is plain and simple. I dont care who I offend. But heres my fight with God right now....

God,
You know threw good and bad even when I am kicking and screaming, I have trusted you. Yes you gave me free will. But its the free will of others that you keep allowing to wound me. Why is it that you feel the need to test me so??? Why do you give me something precious then take it away? Why do you allow me to be hurt? Why am I satans toy??? For once cant you tell him to go pick on some one else. Let me have that silly little bubble of happiness that I have rarely experienced. I need that peace in my life right now. I am trying so hard to be normal. I am trying so hard to find your will. But all the bad stuff makes me wonder why you want me to question you so. My hands are shaking, my stomach is in knots. Kinda like when I wanted those darn pain pills so bad. But I dont have to tell you that, your God. You know every thing. So please quit letting me hurt. I am sick of crying. My red-rimmed eyes stay hidden in day light. I am far too vulnerable to let it show. I allowed you to lead me to a new place thinking I would feel the pain leave me. Positive is what I need not more pain. So far I have positive but personal pain is growing more every day. Cant you just give me a pill to make all the pain disappear. I believe I had that one time. But you told me to quit and I did. I obeyed. Immediately I found a new addiction that lasted too many years, caused too much pain. Stop letting me do that! I prayed about it all and talked to Kevin like I always do. You usually put the right answer in him. He was a gift right?? So why did I get the advice I needed that wont work? Why do you have me doubt every thing around me?? Why do you tell me to put my trust in love then tell me its not gonna happen? I tell you what, God, I give up. Let satan continue his screwed up games. Let me keep crying. I just dont have the will power to fight it anymore. Seems when you created me it was someone elses lesson you had in mind. Teach them how much one person can withstand. Teach them how bad a girl can hurt before she turns into an unfeeling skeleton. Well God, Im there. I still have a little but not much feeling to give. So take it. Break me. All it will take now is one good hit. Go ahead I will give you the baseball bat.

uggh

Old hysteria sets in so easy with me. Its a dark day with lots of clouds. The chance of rain impending. I dont know why I do it. I can get opinions from Kevin, April, Hope and Kristy all day but never really know why. I read something earlier that put some fear into me. Im worried I took actions to save something precious too late. I have the worst timing in the entire world. I took actions to prevent something from hurting me and someone else. I fear though that with what I read earlier I was too late. But I really dont know. I just know I am worried about it. I dont care how vague I am being. I know what I am talking about and thats what really matters right? God help me out here. Im just about to the part where I drive myself insane.....

Life comes back to bite your ass doesnt it Toby...

I am mean. I talked to Chana earlier. She was telling me that she crashed her car. Poor thing. Luckily the insurance picked it up. Well anyways heres why Im mean. She was telling me how the girls were doing. We made an agreement a while back, no news about Toby. Ever. Well she told me that he and the bitch broke up. I laughed so hard. Mean huh. Guess its a good thing I left. Im gonna crack up if he tries to call Kristy. Theres no way he can contact me unless he calls my family or her. Then again Chana has my number. But she wouldnt give it to him if he begged. So Im not really worried. As much as I know it is wrong, I am happy he got what he deserved. I hope he learned a lesson. I hope he is hurting. I hope he realizes that he missed out and will never get back what I was once willing to freely give. My love is never again up for sale. Not for him. I dont even know that I would be nice if he was to call me. I would probably be mean, hateful and down right nasty. Give his phone number to my boyfriend to let him do to Toby what Toby did to me. Let him tell Toby what a peice of shit he is. Let him tell him how he was worthless and never worth the time God spent creating him. I cant believe I actually loved him. What a waste. I look at myself now and wonder why I was so stupid. Talk about closure. I got it in a big way. Just finding out hes alone. Cause I know that man. I know he beats himself up when he knows he is wrong. I hope this is eating his heart like a flesh eating disease. I dont really care how utterly unChristian that sounds. God forgive me for it but I want him to feel the pain I did.

Kind of love I want

A girl asked a guy if he thought she was pretty,
He said...no.
She asked him if he would want to be with herforever....
and he said no.
She then asked him if she were to leave would he cry,
and once again he replied with a no.
She had heard enough.
As she walked away,
tears streaming down her face
The boy grabbed her arm and said....
You're not pretty you're beautiful.
I don't want to be with you forever.
I NEED to be with you forever!
And I wouldn't cry if you walked away...
I'd die...

**I got that in an email. Sadly enough It is really the way I wish to be loved one day. If not now, I wish to know that feeling one day.

I wonder why

It baffles me. I am scared to death of ever having children. That is a legitimate fear. Not the having children part but the gestation period. Actually being pregnant. As I have experienced breifly things can go wrong. I cant say I really know what it is to be pregnant. Hell I only knew about three weeks when I lost that. I was around 3 months pregnant. Gauging from certain things that are a tell tell. Well for the last three years I have been shy of the idea of ever having kids. The right kid just sets me off. I will lock my self in a room and cry for hours. I will not be able to explain what is going on. But I will just cry and cry. I will drive myself insane. Thinking about how right now I should have about a two year old child. I have my days when I thank God for the wisdom that he showed by allowing that bit of pain to enter my life. I say it has really caused me to grow. Although I did slip in my faith quite a bit after that. Then there are days like today. I was at church this morning. This young couple walked past holding a baby. First thing that went threw my mind was, I want one. Then I realized what I was thinking. It was all I could do not to show my emotions. We were at a store buying cards the other day when I realized I wasnt reading the card I had been holding for about five minutes. No I was looking at my feet. I was staring at a little baby sleeping in a carrier. I just kinda smiled sadly at the mom and told her that her little boy was beautiful. So see theres alot going on in my head that I dont talk about. Sure I have previously let it be known that this pain is in my heart. But I never really talk about it. I hate January. I hate the memories that go along with it. I hate that when I was hurting the most my boyfriend left me and didnt come home for a month. During my biggest time of need during those four years he was only 20 minutes away and didnt come to see me once. Being stupid and not realizing that I should have left him then, I stayed. I watched him grow attatched to our friends kids. I never let them in. Katherine was my one exception and actually a shocker for myself was in June that year I let Trace in. He was the prettiest baby. Still is I can bet. He is the son of my friend Sherry Gail. When she lost her husband I helped her with him. Never revealing why it meant what it did to me. Trace was only two months old. She was only 19. But she could see my need for attatchment and would come calling when she couldnt get him to sleep or needed a babysitter. She would call and come over for no reason. We would watch movies. I would feed Trace and let her sleep. He became my buddy. I dont know why I let go of that though. It was very healing for me. But its a wound I think will only heal on the day I actually have one of my own. That is really all I want. Just one. Two if I can but one would be enough to heal a big hole in my heart. Not that I expect anyone to understand that. But still. I have wishes. I have dreams. But most of all I have a need. A need to be fulfilled. But I dont want my children to hurt the way I have. I dont want to put them through divorce, custody battles, all that bull shit. I want to have a normal life. I want to be normal. I want to have a family that shows each other love. My family did for a while. Dont ask me what happend. I dont know. But it all kinda went to shit and is just now getting normal again. With the exception of the fact that my parents dont care much for each other and my dad is a jerk. Ok Im being harsh again. But I am the way I am and I dont know how else to be.

Ahh the workings of me.. I suck dont I??

I am bored. I havent really felt too hot all day. I still dont feel too good. I bet I sleep well though. Thats gonna lead to me getting up earlier in the morning. Just like I did this morning, even though I sat up talking to Kevin way too late. Doesnt matter I will do that any day of the week, thats what friends are for. Though I think I got the best deal out of the conversation last night. Anyways Im not looking forward to this great holiday today. I hate Valentines day. I just dont see why we need it. Plus every time some one celebrates it with me bad shit happens. It is like the kiss of death for me. I hate it. Besides shouldnt you celebrate love every day and not just on a day when every one in the world is. I just dont get it. Too comercialized for me. Besides I hate that mushy shit. Just another reason to spend way too much money. I dont know I guess in a way the romance thing isnt my thing. Then again Ive never really experienced it. The most romantic thing anyone has ever done for me most wouldnt consider romantic. But it was sweet. And they dont even realize that I was awake to know it. He kissed my forehead when he thought I was asleep. I just played it off like I was asleep. No ones ever done that. NO ONE. Ive never been one that guys have taken the time to get to know. They see me and think, "hmm bet I can get into her pants." Then they find out Im not like that. They give up. Im not gonna have sex with them so they dont want me. Nothing new. Happend more times than I like to tell. So forgive me for not being a ho. I have one thing of great value that God gave me. Thats my body. I abused it for four years. Let some one have what they wanted and got stomped on. I dont plan on letting that happen again. No thank you. Sex is now reserved for when I am married. Because one thats the way it was intended and two by the time Im married to them I know it isnt about just sex. Or at least it better not be. Im slightly old fashioned. A little on the shy side. No Im lying Im extremely shy. I mean I act up, get loud and rowdy, and have fun. But when it comes to men I am not direct in the fact that I am flirting. Unless it has progressed over some time. Trust me it takes some time. One exception to that rule, and well he messed my head over so bad I dont know who I am sometimes. I was stupid what can I say. I could write a whole blog on why I hate Toby. What the bastard did to me. How screwed up I am now. Would be kinda therapeutic. But Im not gonna do it. I figure it wouldnt do anyone any good. I have a personal journal. I think I will keep those thoughts in there. Because in that journal it wont be called slander. I always swore I wouldnt turn into him. He hurt me because Angela hurt him, now I am cynical on love because he hurt me. Man I have been hurt before, and never came out this mean and hurtful to anyone. I always just kinda kept it locked in, ran to Kevin and cried. Then never really looked back. This is like a constant thing. I hate it. I need to totally rid my life of this cancerous growth. I need help with it. I just dont know how or where to get it. One day I hope that I am normal again.

The only thing in life that is guaranteed is death..... Kanye West..

Green Day

J.A.R. (Jason Andrew Relva)

My friend drove off the other day,
And now he's gone and all they say,
Is you gotta live cause life goes on
But now I see i'm mortal too
I can't live my life like you
Gotta live it up while life goes on
And I think it's alright
That I do what I like cause that's the way I wanna live
And so I give
And i'm still giving
And now I wonder about my friend If he gave all he could give
Cause he lived his life like I live mine
If you could see inside my head
Then you'd start to understand
The things I value in my heart
You know that,
I know that,
Your watching me
Gotta make a plan
Gotta do what's right
Can't run around in circles
If you wanna build a life
But I don't wanna make a plan
For a day far away
While i'm young and while i'm able
All I wanna do is....

Green Day

Good Riddance (Time Of Your Life)

Another turning point,
a fork stuck in the road.
Time grabs you by the wrist,
directs you where to do.
So make the best of this test,
and don't ask why.
It's not a question,
but a lesson learned in time.
It's something unpredictable,
but in the end is right.
I hope you had the time of your life.
So take the photographs,
and still frames in your mind.
Hang it on a shelf of good health and good time.
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial.
For what it's worth,
it was worth all the while.
I hope you had the time of your life.
I hope you had the time of your life.

Conclusion

Well Kevin called me early this morning. Like 2:30 or so. We talked for about an hour. Basically he talked, I listened. I asked a few questions. He played the Dr. Kevin role. I asked him when I had become closed off. He told me that with men it happened a long time ago. Starting with Gregg and his escapades with Hannah. Ok well I admit Gregg screwed me up mentally and he enjoyed jerking me around like a toy. Thats basically been my story sense. With a few exceptions. His conclusion was that if I dont start letting people in I will be losing them. As it is I dont know where it all started. I can be friends with some one forever but the minute it becomes more I dont know where my brain goes. It flew out the window I guess. Basically Kevin gave me the dont hurt anyone speech. Then gave his stamp of approval for James. Even though I havent told Kevin much about James other than how long we have been friends and the basics on how it all started. So I am baffled. Kevin never approves, the only time he did it turned out ugly. Dont care to discuss that. Anyways, Now that I feel better after talking to Dr. Kevin, I am gonna try to open back up. Hard stuff for me though.
Kevin also talked about his goals in life. Right now he says his biggest calling is making sure I become happy again. Ok he has been trying at that for years. Thats what your best friend is for. I think that I wont truly be happy until I allow myself to be. But some of the things he said made me cry. Very quietly of coarse. But he never knew I was crying. I dont know how he knew I needed to talk to him last night. But as always he had impeccable timing. I heard the phone ring and I was up fast. I mean my cell only rings that late for three or four people so yeah. But its nice to know that hes got my back. Even though he will come here and kick my ass if I dont stop shutting every one else out.

My confession

It has been said you get two great loves in your life. I believe I have found one of mine. Yet I chose to be hard headed and closed off. I used to believe that Toby was it. Nope, wrong. He doesnt even qualify. I believe that my second great love is not of human type but of art. I love music and dance. Two talents I posess. Even if I dont flaunt them. Rarely does one hear me sing. I dance no longer. Those are two love affairs I will never fully put to rest. But they classify as art. This other great love of coarse is a person. Some one of great ability as a friend and as the one I love. I dont speak freely often on that. Sure I write how I love him. Yes I am open in telling you or anyone that. Love is just not my comfort zone. But he is of great importance to my heart. I unwittingly began a relationship with him in a friendly manner years ago. God put him in my path and there he has remained. Even when my best friends failed to understand. He has been there. For this I thank him. I also ask that he be as patient with me as he has always been. I know right now if a hard time for him, for different reasons it is hard for me also. I am reliving some pain right now that I dont freely speak of. Things that haunt me. But one day when I am ready I will reveal those things. The heartache of one year that damn near drove me to my limits. I was young yes, but I was hurting and unable to openly express it. This pain is around 9 years old. That entire year is one I wish to remain a mystery and only tell of the good times. It was the begining of the end in a period of my life. But one day I shall be more open. But to you, I only hope you know the truth. That truth being that I do love you. You and your friendship have meant more to me than I chose to let on. But I want you to know the depth of the love that goes behind my words. Even if my actions are not always evident of that love. I love you. I hope you know that.

All about me

I am just kinda sitting around tonight. As most nights here lately, I have a head full of things that are getting to me. I have so much spinning around in my head. Trying to fix my own personal problems. Those that I talk to no one about. Those that I see as a flaw in my character. I picked up my Bible earlier but set it back down when I realized how unworthy I really am. I just dont know where to begin. I ask God to forgive me for these flaws that I cant change, yet he created in me for some reason. These flaws are ones I tend to hurt myself with. I am head strong and closed off. I kill my own spirit when I hurt other people. Its not like I plan to hurt them. It just happens. My heart is so hardened right now its pathetic. I have that soft spot of coarse. But few know where it is or how to get in. Occassionally I look and realize some one found that small enterance and managed to sneek in. By then its too far along for me to protect (hurt) myself, so that they cant see the pain with held. I know that is stupid. I have issues. I dont elaborate on them out of shame. Issues with my dad. We used to be quite close even though I really cant say I knew him well. Then I became unworthy in some way. He cut me out again. Fuck that I dont care anymore. Hes in that soft spot in my heart, theres no way to protect me from that pain. He is a character in my life of a vital role. Yet he remains a mystery to all of my friends save 5. Chelcie, April, Kevin, Kristy and James. He is hard to explain and rarely accepted. But he is my father. To be in my inner circle he has to be known about. I keep him locked away. Thats the way it shall remain. There are issues with in my heart. I have been hurt, twice. Both times threw my own stupidity. My own naieve nature. Yes I accept total responsiblity for my short comings. One is widely known and talked about on my blog on occassion and actually this blog was borne of that pain. The other was a personal pain. A failure on my part that I refuse to allow people into. I know my shortcomings. I know where I messed up. I know I was a bad person. Thats all there is to say about it. Another issue is concerning my own defensive nature. I love strongly when I do love. No matter who it is or what kind of love. Could be just a friend, a sibling, or romantically if that is how you want to label it. Though I have never been treated in any romantic nature. So I know nothing of that. Dont think I really want to. That way I cant get hurt again. I like sweet gestures, but prefer loving reassurance, as my self esteem varies from high to low. Generally it stays low. Lets face it, Im cute but Im not anything special. Something that has always been pointed out to me. I have my own style. Fuck you if you dont like it. I dont care. Keeps me from getting hurt. But the problem is when I love some one I tend to pull away. At the time I see it as for their own good. But then I realize that all I am doing is hurting me along with them. So see my pain is of my own doing. In all situations it has been my doing. Either I have closed myself off and forced them to turn to some one else or I have just shut them out. I get close to some one and if I dont let them go or push them out, more than not they get hurt. I have no desire to go threw another death. I keep isolated. I dont go out, make new friends often and I dont let people in! But I do love, rather stupidly most of the time but my love is real. Im a rather complicated and slightly contradicted soul. As I have said previously, it is all of my own doing. I dont know how else to be. So for any I may have hurt, I am sorry for my ways. I am sorry for the imperfections. I am trying. I just dont know how to be anyway else.

Life

Its my opinion that the world as a whole is screwed,
No one has a life that is worth adoration.
Every single person has some skewed aspect,
Some seen others kept well hidden.
We look at people and say,
"Gee I wish I could be more like them."
But they are probably just as defective as we are.
No ones perfect,
We all come out flawed and misunderstood.
More often than not life is like a Picaso painting,
You have to squint to see the beauty with held inside.
There is a true treasure deep inside of every person,
Often we dont take the time to find it.
It is sad that we base things on outward appearances,
Overlooking many jewels that are of a rough facade.
Life is like an un polished stone,
It must be cleaned and refined in order to bring out the beauty.
It is my prayer that one day we all stop being so shallow,
Give the less attractive a second look.
Everyone is worthy of a friend,
We all deserve love.
This is what life is about.

Protecting Feelings

Two souls formed a bond,
Seemingly unbreakable.
Tested and tried,
They withstood it all.
Knowing they werent promised forever,
They lived without a care.
Always assuming that they would be together,
Now one feels cheated,
As the other feels nothing.
One day hoping for a meeting,
The one that keeps them together forever.
But knowing that it will not come tomarrow,
The one in pain lives on.
Learning to be a person of little affection,
But not realizing how that affects the people around them.
Only showing love to few,
Seemingly feeling as little as possible for the others.
No feelings means no hurt,
At least thats what their logic tells them.
Little at a time,
Hurt fades but the love does not.
Knowing there is no promise of tomarrow,
They offer their heart to another.
This time trying not to make the same mistakes,
Loving as if it is all that matters.
Most importantly living again,
As if the world is for their taking.

My interpretation of love

Love is so big that it casts a great shadow. What you have to decide is if you will dance in those shadows or stumble blindly in to the light. This shadow is what makes love "blind." It is not really blind though, you see. It just willingly turns the other cheek. Allowing some things to pass as not to be hurt. It is the biggest risk we take in life. For it is a risk of the heart, soul and spirit. Often or not it becomes a risk with your body. A risk some take and regret. A risk some take and delight in. Not all know how to love. It is a condition taught to us. Some from birth, others from some one that they allow to teach them. Some times the light over takes that great shadow. Revealing things your heart already knew but refused to accept. Thus causing great pain that is truly a physical pain. Some say its all in your head. I say it hurts so deep that you cant explain the things it does to a soul. This pain is one that often can not be healed. I have heard it said that one can die of a broken heart. Im not sure I believe this, but it could be possible. I believe that God allows such pain to occur in order to make us stronger. My mother once told me that all pain is allowed so that we can grow. There for each challenging event that may cause us pain is a test from a higher power. Makes sense to me. I mean Jesus died because he loved us so much, right? So whose to say that wasnt the ultimate test of love? That shadow was cast over the entire world. It was a shadow so large that he died to protect all of us. He died so that anyone that accepted him would be allowed to enter into his paradise. I only wish that I could show love so great. That my shadow would cover so many. Yet the area in which it is cast, provides love in many areas to many people. Even if they dont realize it. Even when I am angry and upset. So right now even if I find it difficult, I am dancing in the shadow of a love cast upon me. By many people. In order to heal from a shadow that the light was shined into in order to help me grow. Hopefully I took the right lessons from that. Regretfully, I have learned what it is to love and hurt. Now I must learn how to accept love and not be scared of pain again. My shadow needs to grow.

I blame me

It absorbs my thoughts some days,
Not so bad on others,
It makes me look at things with different eyes.
It calls to me sometimes,
Infact just about everytime I look into the face of a young child.
I see what I lost,
What God saw fit to not allow me.
Sometimes I thank him for the wisdom,
He knew what was ahead for me.
Sometimes I curse him for the opportunity he took,
Wishing I had the chance.
I looked at a baby the other day,
Imagined what mine would have looked like.
Haunting me night and day,
For the rest of my life,
Are the reasons behind it.
The circumstances that caused my greatest pain,
The great lesson I learned at anothers expense.
The life I cheated,
With out ever meaning to.
But I picked up all the alcohol that night,
Knowing full well what could happen.
I blame me,
Forever my conscience unclear.

My mood and Kevin...

Im in a funky mood today. Just take a look at my hair and you would know. I have pig tails in my hair. I havent done that in a long time. But it is fun, even if every one looks at me funny. I have a little black tee that has a duck on it with got bubbles? written underneath him. I love my little yellow ducks. I have more duck things than I can count on both my hands and feet put together. I love this shirt. Its just fun and well flirty even though I am not much of a flirt. My makeup is even done up today. Im wearing silver hoop earrings, not big ones like usual. Quite understated ones today. No other jewelry. If I choose to go out later I will put on my black boots. What can I say on occassion I like to have fun with my clothes. Usually though I have fun with accessories. Thats more my style. Like I will pick my accessories then build my outfit from there. I love doing that. Im slightly backwards from most girls. Expect nothing of the normal ways when dealing with me. I am a ball of fire most the time, but my heart is off limits. You get what you see. Just dont ask to enter my comfort zone. It just doesnt happen.
Im in a good mood today. I may just give my dear friend Kevin a call and chat it up with him later. I miss him. Its been almost three years since I have seen Kev. I really miss him. For a while we were talking most nights for hours at a time. We do that occassionally. But then we had a little time of disagreement, didnt talk for a little over a year. Now we are talking again. I can say just in time to help me not to make big mistakes. I always need that "Mandie how stupid would that be..." or the "Go ahead fuck up see if I stop you, but I will be here when you got those skinned knees and that broken arm." Not that I ever hurt myself physically. But he has said stuff like that to me. Or my personal favorite..."Go ahead, Amanda, fall in love with that older guy. Hes gonna get tired of you and never commit. He will rip your heart out and dance on it. Then as always when it is all over I wont do the I told you so, but I will be here to be your friend. To help you cry and to tell you that you were too good for him and not the other way around." Sure enough all that happend. But upon my revealing the truth to him months later he was a true friend. He never once said "I told you so." Or any other things he could have. But he did infact tell me I was stupid for going after Toby all those years ago. He came home from Reno just to look me in the eyes and say "Mandie, Why??" "Are you sure you are in love with this guy?" "You are too young to tie yourself to some guy who leaves you at home for months at a time." " Do you really want the life you are living?" "Didnt you have enough of this with the way you grew up, your dad never home and all." "Do you really want to do that to kids??" But when it was over he never once let me believe I was stupid. He never put me down for it. The way I had when he had ended relationships I didnt approve of. Makes me believe that he was the better and still is the better half of our friendship. Love was never and never will be in the cards for the two of us, but I know if I ever need a man to lean on I have him. I have him in the sense of I can run away and hide if I ever need to. I can cry and not feel ashamed. I dont cry with just anyone. I dont like to show that weakness. But Kevin's been around for damn near 10 years. 10 years in August actually. Years in which we have had ups and downs. We have been extremely hard on anyone that tried to enter the others life. But yet we take a step back and say "hey fuck up if you want. I cant make your mind up for you. Dont mean I approve." He did that for me even if I could have saved myself by listening to him. He always knew best anyways when it came to me. I always hated the fact that from the first time we laid eyes on each other, he could read my mind sort of. He always knew if I was trying to lie to him even if no one else could tell. We dated for a while. Six months to be exact. But it was more of a friendly, lets hang out and see each other at school, kind of thing. We both had to be at every football game, he for band, me for dance. We cheered each other on. We were both in drama. Both in choir, pretty damn good too if you ask me. Then we shared tons of classes. Mostly math classes. Always drove those teachers insane. Poor Ms. Quinn, she hated having the two of us together. But made the mistake of letting him sit behind me. We were either passing notes or diliberately talking during class. We did our work together every single day. Then when he graduated, I was out of that building faster than anyone, just to be the first to get to him after the ceremony. Then he was at mine with the same enthusiasm. Amazing every one that he cut through the crowd to throw my skinny ass in the air. We were the object of speculation, gossip and everything in between. Some of the people we went to school with still swear they cant believe we are not married. But hate to do this to you guys, actually I love it. But we arent like that. Nope, we will always be stupid fools. Kevin and Mandie. Thats how it goes.

Through The Eyes Of A Child

She is growing up so fast,
Seems just yesterday she was a baby.
Her tiny hands and feet have grown gradually,
Ever learning as she becomes older.
As a child,
Her heart is still pure.
Innocence untouched,
Smiling eyes still unaffected.
She loves openly and unconditionally,
Always comes to me with a big hug.
She makes me smile when I am sad,
And laugh when I cry.
Her life affected me more than I have ever let on,
I learn more from her than most.
All in the eyes of a child,
I see love, light and purity.
When we were young,
We dreamt of days when we would have our own.
Never knowing that it would happen for the one so soon.
Her child has taught me much about life and growing up.
She has taught me more about love than anyone else.
I look at her and think,
Think about that one I never had.
I wonder what it would be like,
How my life would be different.
To see those little hands,
And a face like mine reflecting back at me.
Through the eyes of a child,
I see life in a new light.

My Hearts Cry

I feel the cold air on my face,
The snow crunch under my feet.
All a refreshing force for a girl used to hot air and mud.
I see beauty,
Hear the silence absorbed by the fine white powder.
I wonder if my heart can be cleansed,
If only I allowed it.
I wish for such peace to envelope me,
Take me to a better place.
Praying for a peace of mind that only few achieve,
I ask for guidance.
My life cries for renewal of love,
Revival of purities I shall never attain.
I relive my personal hell regularly,
Ever reaching for the day I will become peaceful again.
Looking in the mirror,
I see a girl no longer.
A woman suddenly looks back at me,
Begging for human contact.
My heart never allowing it to enter,
Too fragile to allow more pain.
I feel cold air on my face,
I see beauty around me.
Now if only my mind would allow it to penetrate my soul,
Release me from the agony you have bound to me.
Allow me to grow in light,
Instead of asking me to live in hell.

Whew.....

You know I am really stupid sometimes. I let stupid stuff scare me. I tend to react to things I shouldnt. I have a bad way of hurting the ones I loves feelings. Im so overly flawed its ridiculous. Its really time for a good dose of Kevin. He has always dropped it all at first chance to be there for me when I need a friend. Right now its the slap in the head I need. The one that only he can deliver with out me getting on the offensive. He can tell me anything, no matter how painful it would be from some one else, its just the truth with him. Its something I call him for on the rare occassion when it all gets to me enough to bring me down too far. Ive been down lately. Im doing well right now. I have my mom, Bill and Chris to make me laugh. I have family for the first time in forever. Its almost a new thing for me after the last two years. Im learning some things here that I would never have had the opportunity to learn in Texas. I am smiling more. Im meeting friendly people. I think it funny that every one just loves my accent up here. To me I sound normal. To them its "omg where are you from, I love your accent." Im just like yeah uh huh. Go ahead ask me to say something. Thats usually what happens. Anyways. I had my nerves worked up so tight last night I was a mess. But as usual I was just over reacting to something small. My nerves are so used to walkin the high wire and being on end that I dont know how to be normal anymore. I am sure I hurt the people I love with the way I always expect to be hurt. The way I always assume the worst. The way my out look on things is never bright anymore. I need a change in my personality I think. Jeeze I swear one day I want to be the sweet, loving and trusting girl I was just years ago. Now breathe, Mandie, the sigh of relief that you need! Whew...

Nerves are killing me

Well I got an email I dont really want to talk about. But I have a feeling the outcome wont be so good. My Aunt Doreen is in the hospital in Houston. Looks really bad. Shes been coded out several times and they cant keep bringing her back. So Im worried on that front. Im worried about a personal matter. Im thinking I may just be hurting again tonight. If thats the case I am throwing in the towel. I dont really care who reads this. I dont really care what they think. My heart is still fragile and I know I have trust issues but the love I feel is very real. The hatred I feel towards Toby is just as tangible as this computer sitting in front of me. But the mistrust I have for people in general is a fight I fight every day. I want to believe that not all people are going to hurt me. Especially women. I want to believe there are good people in the world. I want my heart to slow down a little. My nerves are killing me. My mood is bleaque. I am not in the best of conditions emotionally. I want to go hide under a rock instead of taking this impending phone call I must answer later. All I do know is that I may not come out of my room much tonight. I want to go back to sleep. The only good part of my day so far was pretty neat. Chris and I went snow boarding. That was awesome. I suck. I fell alot. But damn did I have fun. Anyways now my nerves are nagging at me I think I am gonna go lay down. Im gonna go pray that I am not gonna be hurt again.

Here with out you

Performed by Three Doors Down

A hundred days have made me older,
since the last time that I sawyour pretty face
A thousand lies have made me colder
and I don't think I can look at this the same
But all the miles that separate
They disappear now
when I'm dreaming of your face
I'm here without you baby,
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby,
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby,
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight, there's only you and me
The miles just keep rolling,
as the people leave their way to say hello
I've heard this life is overrated,
but I hope that it gets better as we go
I'm here without you baby,
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby
and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby,
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl,
there's only you and me
Everything I know and anywhere I go
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
And when the last one falls,
when it's all said and done
It gets hard but it won't take away my love
I'm here without you baby,
but you're still on my lonely mind
I think about you baby and I dream about you all the time
I'm here without you baby,
but you're still with me in my dreams
And tonight girl, there's only you and me

Flawed.

I wonder sometimes why I hold on to some things so tightly. No particular reason, or anything in particular that I am talking about. I just wonder why I hold on to people and things so firmly. Once in my soul, Im pretty much hard to get rid of. But I dont know why I do it. It is my downfall at times. I latch on, then get hurt. I love then end up in tears. I am such a complex and contradicting person when it comes to my feelings.
Now onto other things. I miss James. Im silly I know. Im too attached to him. I learned about attachment a long time ago. Any time I have gotten attached to some one they either leave or die. So I shouldnt curse a person with that. I shouldnt fall in love, I should spare everyone that pain. But so far I havent. One day I will learn though. Probably when its too late though. Ok so my mood is too dark to do this tonight. That is I should shut up before I have people worrying about me.

Hmmmm

Ok so I guess you can tell where my mood is tonight. Im listening to some music and relaxing. The Ragweed usually comes out when I get to missing James. They never fail to make me think of him. Always have. Then again theres reason behind that. Those are two of my favorites though. Theres also another I will post one day. One called "lonely girl." Before I ever got the cd James said that it was my song. Back then though it was soo true. For him it was me. "tell me your troubles lonely girl, how you got them..." That line alone was soo like what he would say to me. The whole song is a dynamic that is only explainable between the two of us. Forever I will hear that song and think of him. I am writing alot here lately. Not because I have lots of time but because I am in a writing kind of mood. I dont know how else to explain it. Although I do have lots of time on my hands. Bill and I played in the snow earlier. Thats something I have never done before. I mean Ive played in the snow, but never like this. I mean hell Ive only seen small portions of it. I had fun. Our neighbor has me on tape lol. His video surveillance got me. But Im sure he will crack up when he sees how many times I got nailed. It was great. Our other neighbor took the time to salt the sidewalk. He was really just being nosey if you ask me. It was funny. Oh well Im out!

Alabama

By Cody Canada And Charlie Robeson

She picked up the telephone
All she heard was dial tone
She really thought she heard it ring this time
She said what am I thinking
I must be only dreaming
Or maybe it’s the hundred times he’s crossed my mind
Just tonight
(chorus)
She said maybe I miss your lovin’
Maybe I miss your kiss just a little bit
Maybe I miss your body lyin’ right next to mine
Maybe I miss your touch a little too much

Tossing and turning her skins still burning
From the fire in his hands
Runnin’ on empty she needs somebody
But somebody wouldn’t understand
Then the telephone rings

(chorus)
They talked about Savannah
Sweet home Alabama
And how he missed the way she always smiled
Are you coming back soon
By the Harvest moon
If I have to walk every mile on my knees
(chorus)

Johnnys Song

By Cody and Shannon Canada

What is life
it could be a million
It could be a single dime
Or it could be a ship out on the water
But to me it’s just more time
Time for the one who moved a hundred mountains
Time for the one who broke a thousand chains
For the love of a son and a mother
A little girl sweet as sugar cane
What is love it could be a river
Love’s a single drop of rain
But to her love is forever
It’s the mention of your name
What is love there’s more than just one answer
Love’s a golden wedding ring
If only love could be the cure for cancer
Then the world would hear you sing
What is faithFaith is believing
Faith can tell you where to go
You say faith can move a thousand mountains
Faith can liberate your soul
A heart of gold will take you to the rafters
Where you get your angel wings
Don’t cry for me are the words that are coming
From your golden guitar strings
What is life
It could be a million
What is love
There’s more than just one answer
What is faith
Faith is believing

Its Snowing!

Its snowing! Im so excited! Im sure in a few months I wont get so excited over it. But I have always been in Southern Texas in the winter. We had cold but wet winters but snow was and still is an oddity there. We loved when we got the few little millimeters we got. But this is neat. I sat at the kitchen table and watched those big fat flakes for close to an hour. I think right now the snow is calming. Everything seems to be absorbed by it. I mean its soo quiet unlike the rain. Rain is noisy and snow is so delicate. Im sure my counter part is laughing at me, knowing his out look on nasty weather. Im hoping for a good bit of the white powdery stuff. If we get enough it should be fun. Ive never built a snow man, Ive never played on snowboards or any of that. I like new things. Generally, stuff like this is fun when you have been in the hot and humid climates your entire life.
Enough about the snow. Im sitting here missing my Kristy and the rest of the Johnson clan. I miss my big old set of weird friends. I am really liking Omaha so far. I just wish I knew some people my age. Sarah and I get along great. Shes pretty cool, but shes 18 and Chris's girl friend. I try not to get attached to people that my siblings are with that way if they break up I dont feel a loss. The way I did with Adam and Paul. Adam more than Paul but still. Lisa made sure it was not ok for me to remain their friend. OMG Hope and Kevin are crackin me up. They are goin at it over Joe. LOL. I knew that would happen. Gotta love him. He will protect me and Hope til the day he dies. I love being the voice of reason. It doesnt happen with my psychiatrist often. Thats what I have always called my dear old friend. Im sorry I have to go be the ref lol Im loving this. Later all...

She looks in the mirror and tells herself to breathe. She breaks down on occassion when it all gets to her. Keeping everything pent up inside tends to become stressful. When she wants to cry or cant handle her own life she calls him. For so many years hes given the aboslute truth. Never failing to tell her exactly what it is that is needed even if it is not what she wants to hear. Gradually she finds truth and healing. Learning that some healing takes years while other is more rapid. She feels the lonliness suffocate her. But then realizes there is love surrounding her, ready for the taking. She longs for something that only one person can give her. But they are no where near for her to ask. Not that it would matter her heart is still too fragile. Just a mere mention of a certain name makes her want to crawl in a whole and cry. One day she hopes that will go away. Occassionally when the right area code appears on her cell phone her heart will stop. She doesnt answer. She allows the voice mail to catch it. Just to screen the call and save herself from some more pain. Her wishes for him are for nothing but the best. But she wishes his path would never ever cross hers again. But on days like today she feels that pain again. When she is surrounded by couples and has no one to run in to the arms of. Her heart feels slightly lonely. But all the while knowing theres a man who has loved her for longer than she ever had a clue. One who would follow her with aspirations as long as it took just to be in her life. For this she feels lucky and love and gratitude towards him for all he has been and all he has done.

Life Lessons

I hear it calling me.
I try hard to ignore the ringing.
I look and see that the ID is one I have no desire to have contact with.
I allow the voice mail to catch.
In a few moments I pick it up,
I dial a number.
I dont even listen to it.
I just erase the message with no regard to what he may have to say.
Months ago he wrecked my heart.
Turned me to stone.
I allow none to penetrate the brick wall I have constructed.
I hear it ring again.
This time I pick it up and slam it shut.
Hopefully he gets the point.
I feel a stab deep in my chest.
I see a thousand memories race threw my mind.
I hear a million lies I bought for truth.
I hear the words she said and things she called me.
I taste those same tears wishing I was gone.
To this day I regret the better part of if not all of four years.
At 22 I began a life as an adult alone for the first time.
Pour my soul into others and things.
Live for a creature who soon also leaves me broken hearted.
This time unwillingly.
Never meaning to hurt me.
Telling myself he was my fault.
At 23 I am now learning to erase the past.
Ever learning to take the lessons and leave the pain.

Wooohoo

Im just kinda sittin around doing alot of nothing right now. We just got done playing pictionary. That was fun. Me, Chris and Sarah cleaned up on Mom and Bill. Sad thing is Mom and Bill both can draw and we cant. It was hilarious. Especially when I was drawing an arrow and Chris yells out Penis! I almost had to stop drawing I was laughing soooo hard. Well exciting news is Snow is in the forcast for tomarrow night! Im soooo excited! If it snows enough Chris and me are snowboarding! Not that its gonna be anything big I mean all we have is hills but hey its a good start! I wish Kristy was here to play in the snow with me! Shes always been more fun than me! She brings it out in me what can I say? Thats what friends are for right? Havent heard from James Earl this weekend. But thats ok. Its about normal. Im gonna get up and go to church with Mom and Bill in the morning. Guess I will call James when Im getting ready. Thats a good way to get up and get going. I like talkin to him in the mornings. It gets my day off to a good start. He usually makes me laugh. Ok Im shutting up. I ramble a bit about him sometimes when I am missing him. That I am tonight. I miss him alot actually. Ok well Im gonna add some other stuff in here so theres my personal thoughts of the night....

missing them

Well Im in a good mood tonight. I have one hell of a headache though. But thats ok. I talked to Doug earlier. Went shopping. Got this really awesome pair of dress pants and a new shirt. Some really awesome earrings and a whole slew of underwear. Ok ok Im an underwear junkie. But anyways. The outfit is too cute for words. Think I may wear it to church Sunday morning. I told mom and Bill I would go. Im actually quite looking forward to it. Im ready to meet people my age. I miss Kristy, Doug, Carey and Katherine bad. But Im getting used to this new life I have choosen. I miss my James too!!! Im lonely but not the way I was before. Now I have my mom, Bill and Chris. Chris and I are having a ball just a busting on each other every chance we get. Im ready for some snow! Chris is gonna try to teach me to snowboard. Bills gonna video it! That aught to be interesting!

Mood Clarification

Ok so I dont know what my deal was last night. I had soooo much on my mind it was ridiculous. I was in a fairly odd and contemplative mood. Kristy called me this morning. I miss her. I guess thats why I was so blah. Kevin well Kevin is an odd fellow with many things that make him special. Ask me to give either of the two up and I would just assume die instead. They are indeed the two of my most valued and best friends. I dont know what my deal was being all blah towards James. I wasnt even mad just disappointed in them all a little I guess. But I know they all love me. And I dont know why I was disappointed. Kinda childish I guess. James asked me about a hundred times why I was mad. Well I wasnt, but I had so much going on in my mind that I cant explain to anyone. Stuff that particularly would make him feel bad Im sure. You know I love him so much but Im sure that the fact that I never let go of some one I loved 6 years ago would break him up. That love is left untarnished just not the same as it was when I saw that person on a daily basis. Occassionally I get to thinking of the unnamed. And well it gets to me the way things were left. But none could take the place in my heart of where James has left a mark. He has stood by me and been my friend threw so much that he is the closest to filling a void none have ever been able to touch. He makes me smile, laugh and occassionally yes I cry. But he makes me so unbelievably happy. Even if we never really get to see each other. I guess I just really wanted to clarify my mood from last night. Oh and Hope, Im sure you know who that entry was about but umm Im not telling and our sister doesnt know even to this day so hey lets keep that where its always been. You being the only insider. Love you girl...