Being nice for a change

Im diluted I know that. But bare with me. Im sitting here looking at a Brides magazine my mom bought me last spring. When Toby called and his friend Binky let it slip that he was ring shopping. Lets say I just like looking at the book. It was a failed dream. But hey a girl can still dream right? I put so much time and effort into that relationship. I just dont know why. I look back now and think about alot of it. You dont know how elated I was. Now I wonder what would have happend had I kept my mouth shut that night. Had I not cut him down to size. Though I with the things I know now, I am glad that its a distant memory. Now I know I am cruel and harsh. But there were good times. There were more good times than I let on. But the bad in the end over shadows it. I prefer to think of the good times. Like our first date. It was interesting and caused alot of speculation on the job. Or when I was going threw a state when we thought I had cancer, he would wake up at night to find I wasnt in bed. I would be next door with his best friend with the door wide open. That way he knew and so did every one else, that nothing was going on. But me and Eric would sit down watch a movie and eat. Thats how we did things. I would cry he would get the tissues. All was well. When I would fall asleep he would go take me back to our place and they would put me in bed. Yes those were good times. I remember the time he had been gone for a few months and I was so lonely but he told me he wouldnt be home til Saturday afternoon. I was so upset cause I didnt want to be alone. Then at 2 in the morning my phone rang. It was him telling me to go open the door. Low and behold there he was. I was never so happy in my entire life. Our first Christmas together, I mean together as in the same place. Which in truth was our second as a couple. I wanted a certain book. Everyone told him it was a stupid gift. But he got it for me. My eyes lit up when I opened it. But I will never forget that look of excitement when I gave him a this baseball glove. One he wanted but for some reason never got. See growing up his family was slightly poor. He played baseball but never had his own glove. So I got him that. Oh he and my brother played hours on end. It was incredible to see him turn into a teenager. I felt good to be a part of that. So yes, I am hateful at times. But there were some times when we were just so happy it was pathetic. But the last year was exactly that, pathetic. We both entertained ourselves with other things. Ignored each other, fought too much. I started living for the first time. Started partying. He didnt know my friends so it made him uncomfortable. Well I found out later that it was because he was off doing things with other girls. Well yeah all my friends save a few, were men. So I see why that would have made him mad. But I know now it was because he couldnt trust himself that he couldnt trust me. I never did anything with any of those guys. Trust me I had my chances. I had my opportunities. Nope. I remained faithful. I wonder sometimes what it is like to have such deep love that is shared by both parties. One day I hope to find that.