and the mighty fall... hard Part II

So we are up to Thursday now. Thursday I ventured out and walked around 8th street. Pretty cool place with all the crazy bars and restaurants. I enjoyed myself. I wasnt out real long. I wasn't feeling much more than tired. I was a little worried about my honey. He seemed like something big was on his mind. I have never pushed him to tell me anything, so I wasn't about to start. It was part of what was so good about us, when we wanted some one to tell the shit to, we just did it. Any ways he gets home from work early and comes in looking a little defeated. I hugged him and he held on for quite a while. Then we went and sat down. Just as we were settling in he gets a call to come back to work. They were there til almost 9. By then he had stopped and gotten us dinner. We ate and watched football. At some point he looked at me and said "Im so sorry they just popped it on me tonight that I am on duty til God knows when tomorrow and Saturday."

Let me explain. Duty means that hes at work from sun up til 1030 or later that night. He looked so upset. I couldn't hide my disappointment, but I told him to not worry. I have a cousin there so I was pretty excited that I was gonna get to see him anyways. Well along comes Friday and Im expecting to spend the evening alone, at 530 Nate and I are sitting on the couch watching some sports stuff, and in walks Kevin. Yay! Someone took his change over so he could come home and spend time with me. So we spent a relaxing evening together getting dinner and watching some football, but ultimately we ended up going to bed rather early. Neither of us minded that cause we were pretty happy sleeping. The next morning we slept in pretty late, until I left to go out with my cousin and he left for work. It was a pretty good morning.

During this time my cousin, his wife, and their kids and I all explored the national mall, and ate and had a good old family time. We enjoyed getting to see each other with out there being some family death involved. While we were out I started to feel funny and blacked out and lost my balance again, this time it lasted only a few minutes but I was aware of everything going on around me, my cousin caught me going down, and we sat down until I was ready to get up again. We went back to the metro and luckily I was starting to feel alot better. So we walked around the union station mall. It was pretty cool in there. We had a great time. So our evening ended around 8 that night. I got home exhausted from two of these episodes. I got there and was alone so I got a shower and went down for something to eat since I knew it was just me for a while. Kevin didn't get off work til 330, so I was in it for a while.

I called my mom and got her to make a doctors appointment for me since it was time for a physical anyways. Explained everything that had happened to her so she could relay it to the doctors office. Kevin got home late as expected and I was still awake because a friend of theirs decided to spend the night and well I didn't know him so I wasn't about to go to bed before the boys were both home. Well when Kevin got home he reprimanded me for not being asleep yet. He worries too much. Then I reminded him that they did not tell me that we were going to have a stranger spending the night. He laughed kissed me and said I was right he was strange. As soon as he was home I was very content to be sleeping. So I kissed him good night cause I knew he would want a shower and to eat before he came to bed and I was extremely exhausted. It was a little bit before he came to bed but he snuggled right up to me and we slept pretty good that night.

The next day he was acting again like something was wrong, and got called into work so he had to go there for a little bit. That was fine, but disappointing again. It was supposed to be the day we were together with out everyone else. I said something to him about it and he apologized, there was somethings going on in his life that had him stressed that I knew about cause we tell each other the big and little things in life. He and I sat down that night and talked. While I wont go into what was bothering him, I do understand it. We both just got out of things that were long and hurtful. So we ultimately decided, together, that we were not ready for the intensity of our relationship. So the next two days were a little uncomfortable but only because our dynamic had just changed. Dont get me wrong, we still looked at each other the same, he would come in and hug me. He would do all the same things in the evening. But it was different. It hurt. We would go to bed at night and talk for a bit but not touch, I mean I fell asleep that first night and woke up when he was gently running his finger tips down my arms and shoulders. I could tell he didn't know what to say or do so I didn't let on that I was awake. I just lay there wishing that this was under different circumstances. After a little bit he leaned over and kissed my shoulder and whispered "God I love you." Then he rolled over and I have no idea how long it took him to go to sleep.

I lay there until the alarm went off a few hours later thinking how unfair it is that we can care so damn much for each other and know that we arent ready. The next night was probably the most amazing night of the trip, but I wont go into why. Tuesday night was ok. But Wednesday morning he came in and hugged me while I was getting ready to go to the airport and he was getting ready to leave for work. He hugged me for a long time said he wished it was different and was glad I had come out to see him. Then told me he would miss me. I got home and havent talked to him since.

My heart is hurting in more ways than I can even begin to describe. I genuinely love this man and knowing how he feels about me makes it more difficult. I wish God would see fit for the issues we have to be over. I hate him not being in my daily life. He needs his space and he needs to heal from whats hurting him before he can ever be ready for anything. I'm not gonna lie, I want that man. I wish like hell I could fix him. But all I can do now is pray that he is ok. Now Im drained again, emotionally.