Its like this. One day you are miserable. The next day some one just kind of turns your world inside out. I mean its like some one turned a light on and theres this huge sign pointing right at it. I know exactly what I want and I know that even though I am petrified, I am 100% sure I have found where I am supposed to be in life. I have never been more sure of anything else.
I go some where and out of no where I think to myself, man I wish like hell he was here. This would be so much better if he was with me. Sure Ive been mushy before. But I have never, not ever, been to the point where I hurt to be with some one. I mean not physically. I mean my heart aches to be with him. Isnt that the sickest thing you have ever heard?
Seriously, last night we were both super pathetic. I had a pretty rough evening. Stupid me I managed to ruin the knee that I hadnt destroyed. I was feeling whiny. He was trying to make me feel better. Some how he always does. He was in Baltimore at a concert. Right in the middle of it, he texts me to say, "why arent you with me?" So I am not alone. Im not the only crazy person. Apparently he is too.
Again last night my friends and I are sitting around playing Clue, cause we have decided that this is our game of choice. Anyways, we were talking and I dont remember what was asked of me, but my answer was, Im sure I could if it was the right guy. All three of my beautiful roomies then pipe up in unison, IT IS THE RIGHT GUY! Ok! I hear you. I am just not sure if I am wanting to admit that yet.
My mom used to tell me that love wasnt blind, but sees every flaw and still wants the gift being given. Yes I say it a lot. He is perfect. I mean hes not. He has his flaws. Thing is I see them, he points them out. But damn it they are part of who makes him who he is, and I want him despite the flaws.
I think when it comes down to it, I am petrified that this could be very real. I mean not really petrified, just scared to take the chance again. I adore this man. Ok I will admit it. I love this man. I havent really said that to anyone so thats a big deal for me. I mean we are pathetic, every day one of us says, at least once, why arent you here with me? So its not like we dont want to be together. You have no idea how tempting it is to just pack everything up and leave. Just move across the country and snuggle up with him every single night. Sounds like paradise if you ask me.
I met him in August. I knew the minute I laid eyes on him that everything was different. I knew that I had a connection the first time he said my name. Trust me we tried the idea of not going there. I tried hard to just not want him. I didnt talk to him for close to a week. Until one night while he was in texas, something was said and he texted me and from that moment on it has been crazy. I mean it was crazy for a few weeks after we got back from our cruise. We did all the crazy questions about each other. We talked alot. We were ridiculous. Then he went to Texas for work. After a few crazy nights and some interesting texts, I pretty much asked what this was and things slowed down. He told me he really liked me but worried about the distance. So I texted him and told him that he needed to think about one thing, would he regret not trying. So it was a week later that he texted me and said something that answered my question.
That same night I was drinking with friends, I had a bad day. So I was getting pretty wasted. Well it was his last night in Texas, so the unit was well getting pretty wasted as well. So I guess I had called him and left an interesting voicemail. I passed out on the couch. I woke up at 5 in the morning to a sweet voicemail. It was him just saying he wished I had answered the phone because he missed my voice. He just wanted to hear my voice before he passed out for the night. His friend Tyler was busy trying to take his phone from him. He said good night and then continued to complain at Tyler to leave him alone. Just as I was thinking ok erase that message, I hear him say to Tyler, "I dont think you understand, I have tried to stay away, not let this go further, but she makes my world spin." It was then that the phone disconnected. I asked him the next day if he remembered calling me. He said vaguely. But I never told him what he said.
So the other night I was at the gym talking to him in text while running on the elliptical. We were talking about my up coming trip to DC and the fact that one of my best friends wishes that I would not go alone. We both admitted that we worry about getting hurt. He then told me something that totally melted my heart. He said "Amanda we can be scared and never do anything about this, or we can take the chance and yes risk getting hurt." I for one will take what ever chance I need to, to find out if this man is in fact the man for me. So my response was, "Kevin, we only get one life. I have no intention of looking back in a few years and wondering what if I had taken that chance. Life is about our choices and our mistakes and what we learn from them."
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