Life has kind of sucked. Two days after I got home I self medicated. I got my room mates to take me out and get me just a little way too drunk. I felt the need to be numb, apparently he did too cause He revealed to my Megan that he was doing the same. I just kept wishing that we would talk and be just like we used to be. I hated it. The next day I was in hangover hell. But I still remained quiet. I have done my best to do exactly what I vowed I would. I have left him alone for the most part. Other than letting him know the outcomes of doctor visits so that he didnt find out through Emily. Lets face it I fell in love. I wasnt really prepared for that.
So since I have been home I am now on 4 doctors visits, and have yet another on Tuesday. Last week Tuesday I had a trip to the doctor, he ran all sorts of blood tests and well it was my regular yearly visit so it was a good trip too. He was concerned when I told him about the black outs and convulsions. So he set me up with a neurologist to see what he thought. So that afternoon I was on to that. Sure enough he ran some tests was concerned and set me up for an EEG on Thursday morning. Yeah that sucked. I had to sleep for part of it, which was not fun, cause they hook all kinds of these probes to my head, I then went to sleep and they watched my brain waves. After that they woke me up had me look at strobe lights and then they had me hyperventilate so that they could watch that. it sucked! Thursday afternoon I was to the Cardiologist, this one courtesy of the Neurologist. He did some questioning that felt like an interrogation. He then took an EKG and blood pressure for like the 9th time in three days. He ordered a heart monitor and then set up and ECG for next week. Yay!
For the moment the culprit in question is that they believe I may be getting a drop in blood pressure causing all this. But they want to look and make sure that I have no defects or anything else. Hence the ECG. I am so sick of being the lab rat! I hate this. I should have the EEG results some time on Tuesday. I am not excited about that but I am nervous to see how they come out. At the very beginning of the EEG I started to have the symptoms of the black outs. But laying there with my eyes closed seemed to help so it didn't last long and didn't complete. So hopefully they will see something of value in it.
So theres the rest of the story for now. I will write more later. As all of this has progressed I am even more stressed and even more tired. I am ready to be well again. I have never felt more alone.
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Healing. Show all posts
Monday, January 24, 2011
Tuesday, June 12, 2007
warning, this is emotional for me...
Have you ever known some one whose life touched yours in a way that you can not explain? Well I have. You know that person who is just your friend, not the person you married or the person you have some lifetime connection with. I mean some one who came into your life for a season, like a coworker or a teacher. That is the kind of person I will be telling you about today.
About two years ago, I moved to the department I am in now at work. This is when I met him for the very first time. He was off in his little corner working on the disaster bulletin as we had just had a hurricane and needed to keep updated information on our hotels. So I thought to myself that he was a very hard worker and kind of kept to himself. Then I started to get to know him and learned there was a wonderful person sitting next to me.
A few months into my endeavor at the lead desk, my friend became ill. To be honest he had been ill a long time, but this was new to me. I never knew that he was sick, to be honest it wouldnt have made a difference in our friendship. So I sent get well cards and such and in a month or so he was back to work and we were picking on him about all the pills he was taking. He was such a good sport about it all.
One afternoon he walked up to me and had that usual sly grin on his face. I said "Ok now what are you up too?" He just grinned and poked me in the side. To this he says " You know that I am gay right?" Well yeah I knew, so then he just laughs like it was a huge secret, "I think you have the cutest figure." That actually made me blush a little.
I worked on two committees with him. That was the Birthday and Team Building Committees. He was always there making me laugh while we worked on projects.
Some of my favorite memories of him were when we would be in a meeting and he would lighten the mood a little with a story. In particular I loved to hear him talk about telling his mom he was gay. She just sat there and clicked her finger nails and said "guess I wont be getting any damned grand kids from you." He did the funniest impression of her.
One afternoon we were under a tornado warning and the managers put us all under our desks. I am famous for my fear of these storms at work. David got up and walked around, when a manager walked by and told us to get under our desks again, he responed with "Well Im gonna die one day anyways so I think I will stay here." This I have to admit cracked me up a bit. But at that point I had no idea how ill he really was. I still have a picture I took with my cell phone of him that day.
I remember the last time I saw him at work. I had been ill. (I guess part of me will always feel guilty for hugging him that day, even though the illness had nothing to do with me.) He had been having some problems and was not feeling so well but I guess part of me knew it. The next afternoon Iheard some one say that he was slurring words and such that afternoon and was going to the doctor for some tests. I was worried some what and called my mom to ask for some prayer.
The next week was a bit of a challenge at work, I began hearing things like he was on an extended medical leave. Then one evening I was in Alpha and our "bat phone" rang. It was him. He was just calling cause he wanted to say hello. I talked a bit and he filled me in on just how bad it really was.
Then in the end of April we got the email telling us that if we wanted to see him again where we needed to go visit. To please do it sooner rather than later, he only had a few weeks to live. So a few of us sat to work and gave the team a project. Why send real flowers when we could make him some. So our team (work) made him paper flowers.
The morning of May 9th, I got the call from my boss. He had passed over the last night. I just kind of sat there in disbelief. Even at work I refused to really cry. It wasnt until the funeral, when they began to speak that I broke down. My friend Christy held my hand through it. We cried together as a team and as friends that day. He made our world a better place to be.
My friend was David Cantrell. I know that he was not some one I knew for a long time, nor that well. But he was some one that made a lasting impression on me and who never ceased to make me smile. There really should be more David's in this world.
**** Im sorry if this story jumps around and is a little out of place. It took me forever to figure out just how to say you love some one who never knew it.
About two years ago, I moved to the department I am in now at work. This is when I met him for the very first time. He was off in his little corner working on the disaster bulletin as we had just had a hurricane and needed to keep updated information on our hotels. So I thought to myself that he was a very hard worker and kind of kept to himself. Then I started to get to know him and learned there was a wonderful person sitting next to me.
A few months into my endeavor at the lead desk, my friend became ill. To be honest he had been ill a long time, but this was new to me. I never knew that he was sick, to be honest it wouldnt have made a difference in our friendship. So I sent get well cards and such and in a month or so he was back to work and we were picking on him about all the pills he was taking. He was such a good sport about it all.
One afternoon he walked up to me and had that usual sly grin on his face. I said "Ok now what are you up too?" He just grinned and poked me in the side. To this he says " You know that I am gay right?" Well yeah I knew, so then he just laughs like it was a huge secret, "I think you have the cutest figure." That actually made me blush a little.
I worked on two committees with him. That was the Birthday and Team Building Committees. He was always there making me laugh while we worked on projects.
Some of my favorite memories of him were when we would be in a meeting and he would lighten the mood a little with a story. In particular I loved to hear him talk about telling his mom he was gay. She just sat there and clicked her finger nails and said "guess I wont be getting any damned grand kids from you." He did the funniest impression of her.
One afternoon we were under a tornado warning and the managers put us all under our desks. I am famous for my fear of these storms at work. David got up and walked around, when a manager walked by and told us to get under our desks again, he responed with "Well Im gonna die one day anyways so I think I will stay here." This I have to admit cracked me up a bit. But at that point I had no idea how ill he really was. I still have a picture I took with my cell phone of him that day.
I remember the last time I saw him at work. I had been ill. (I guess part of me will always feel guilty for hugging him that day, even though the illness had nothing to do with me.) He had been having some problems and was not feeling so well but I guess part of me knew it. The next afternoon Iheard some one say that he was slurring words and such that afternoon and was going to the doctor for some tests. I was worried some what and called my mom to ask for some prayer.
The next week was a bit of a challenge at work, I began hearing things like he was on an extended medical leave. Then one evening I was in Alpha and our "bat phone" rang. It was him. He was just calling cause he wanted to say hello. I talked a bit and he filled me in on just how bad it really was.
Then in the end of April we got the email telling us that if we wanted to see him again where we needed to go visit. To please do it sooner rather than later, he only had a few weeks to live. So a few of us sat to work and gave the team a project. Why send real flowers when we could make him some. So our team (work) made him paper flowers.
The morning of May 9th, I got the call from my boss. He had passed over the last night. I just kind of sat there in disbelief. Even at work I refused to really cry. It wasnt until the funeral, when they began to speak that I broke down. My friend Christy held my hand through it. We cried together as a team and as friends that day. He made our world a better place to be.
My friend was David Cantrell. I know that he was not some one I knew for a long time, nor that well. But he was some one that made a lasting impression on me and who never ceased to make me smile. There really should be more David's in this world.
**** Im sorry if this story jumps around and is a little out of place. It took me forever to figure out just how to say you love some one who never knew it.
Sunday, April 24, 2005
Peace in strange places
Im begining to find peace in the strangest places. Work is like a rush but I am so at peace when I leave its amazing. I mean some where between here and the reality that is my life I find some of the unrest every day. I tend to stress. But if you knew me 6 months ago you wouldnt recognize the strong woman that stands before you today. I have finally put the past to rest. Sure my heart still feels some pain. But it is still healing. Might take a while. But I see where I have grown and become so much happier.
I have done what I can to make sure the people that got hurt in the process have been contacted. The ones that I bailed on for thinking they were trying to hurt me. You know how I can be. How I over analyze every thing. Im still struggling with that. But I look at the world threw much different glasses these days. My life has taken a very positive turn. One I never quite thought that it would take. Yes I am happy these days. I still have my stumbling points but who doesnt. Im only human. I can only ask for forgiveness as many times as God allows me to. For now I just need to take advantage of that. Yet I have even begun to forgive the ones that hurt me. Yes I forgive Toby. I still have some hurt on my psychological and emotional being. But I am learing that not every one will hurt me. I have a friend reminding me every day that he isnt going to hurt me. It helps. Its amazing that he can see how I am worried about hurting again. Yet he doesnt or hasnt known me for more than two months. Does my past hurt show that much?
I have done what I can to make sure the people that got hurt in the process have been contacted. The ones that I bailed on for thinking they were trying to hurt me. You know how I can be. How I over analyze every thing. Im still struggling with that. But I look at the world threw much different glasses these days. My life has taken a very positive turn. One I never quite thought that it would take. Yes I am happy these days. I still have my stumbling points but who doesnt. Im only human. I can only ask for forgiveness as many times as God allows me to. For now I just need to take advantage of that. Yet I have even begun to forgive the ones that hurt me. Yes I forgive Toby. I still have some hurt on my psychological and emotional being. But I am learing that not every one will hurt me. I have a friend reminding me every day that he isnt going to hurt me. It helps. Its amazing that he can see how I am worried about hurting again. Yet he doesnt or hasnt known me for more than two months. Does my past hurt show that much?
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