Since I Have Been Home

Life has kind of sucked. Two days after I got home I self medicated. I got my room mates to take me out and get me just a little way too drunk. I felt the need to be numb, apparently he did too cause He revealed to my Megan that he was doing the same. I just kept wishing that we would talk and be just like we used to be. I hated it. The next day I was in hangover hell. But I still remained quiet. I have done my best to do exactly what I vowed I would. I have left him alone for the most part. Other than letting him know the outcomes of doctor visits so that he didnt find out through Emily. Lets face it I fell in love. I wasnt really prepared for that.

So since I have been home I am now on 4 doctors visits, and have yet another on Tuesday. Last week Tuesday I had a trip to the doctor, he ran all sorts of blood tests and well it was my regular yearly visit so it was a good trip too. He was concerned when I told him about the black outs and convulsions. So he set me up with a neurologist to see what he thought. So that afternoon I was on to that. Sure enough he ran some tests was concerned and set me up for an EEG on Thursday morning. Yeah that sucked. I had to sleep for part of it, which was not fun, cause they hook all kinds of these probes to my head, I then went to sleep and they watched my brain waves. After that they woke me up had me look at strobe lights and then they had me hyperventilate so that they could watch that. it sucked! Thursday afternoon I was to the Cardiologist, this one courtesy of the Neurologist. He did some questioning that felt like an interrogation. He then took an EKG and blood pressure for like the 9th time in three days. He ordered a heart monitor and then set up and ECG for next week. Yay!

For the moment the culprit in question is that they believe I may be getting a drop in blood pressure causing all this. But they want to look and make sure that I have no defects or anything else. Hence the ECG. I am so sick of being the lab rat! I hate this. I should have the EEG results some time on Tuesday. I am not excited about that but I am nervous to see how they come out. At the very beginning of the EEG I started to have the symptoms of the black outs. But laying there with my eyes closed seemed to help so it didn't last long and didn't complete. So hopefully they will see something of value in it.

So theres the rest of the story for now. I will write more later. As all of this has progressed I am even more stressed and even more tired. I am ready to be well again. I have never felt more alone.

and the mighty fall... hard Part II

So we are up to Thursday now. Thursday I ventured out and walked around 8th street. Pretty cool place with all the crazy bars and restaurants. I enjoyed myself. I wasnt out real long. I wasn't feeling much more than tired. I was a little worried about my honey. He seemed like something big was on his mind. I have never pushed him to tell me anything, so I wasn't about to start. It was part of what was so good about us, when we wanted some one to tell the shit to, we just did it. Any ways he gets home from work early and comes in looking a little defeated. I hugged him and he held on for quite a while. Then we went and sat down. Just as we were settling in he gets a call to come back to work. They were there til almost 9. By then he had stopped and gotten us dinner. We ate and watched football. At some point he looked at me and said "Im so sorry they just popped it on me tonight that I am on duty til God knows when tomorrow and Saturday."

Let me explain. Duty means that hes at work from sun up til 1030 or later that night. He looked so upset. I couldn't hide my disappointment, but I told him to not worry. I have a cousin there so I was pretty excited that I was gonna get to see him anyways. Well along comes Friday and Im expecting to spend the evening alone, at 530 Nate and I are sitting on the couch watching some sports stuff, and in walks Kevin. Yay! Someone took his change over so he could come home and spend time with me. So we spent a relaxing evening together getting dinner and watching some football, but ultimately we ended up going to bed rather early. Neither of us minded that cause we were pretty happy sleeping. The next morning we slept in pretty late, until I left to go out with my cousin and he left for work. It was a pretty good morning.

During this time my cousin, his wife, and their kids and I all explored the national mall, and ate and had a good old family time. We enjoyed getting to see each other with out there being some family death involved. While we were out I started to feel funny and blacked out and lost my balance again, this time it lasted only a few minutes but I was aware of everything going on around me, my cousin caught me going down, and we sat down until I was ready to get up again. We went back to the metro and luckily I was starting to feel alot better. So we walked around the union station mall. It was pretty cool in there. We had a great time. So our evening ended around 8 that night. I got home exhausted from two of these episodes. I got there and was alone so I got a shower and went down for something to eat since I knew it was just me for a while. Kevin didn't get off work til 330, so I was in it for a while.

I called my mom and got her to make a doctors appointment for me since it was time for a physical anyways. Explained everything that had happened to her so she could relay it to the doctors office. Kevin got home late as expected and I was still awake because a friend of theirs decided to spend the night and well I didn't know him so I wasn't about to go to bed before the boys were both home. Well when Kevin got home he reprimanded me for not being asleep yet. He worries too much. Then I reminded him that they did not tell me that we were going to have a stranger spending the night. He laughed kissed me and said I was right he was strange. As soon as he was home I was very content to be sleeping. So I kissed him good night cause I knew he would want a shower and to eat before he came to bed and I was extremely exhausted. It was a little bit before he came to bed but he snuggled right up to me and we slept pretty good that night.

The next day he was acting again like something was wrong, and got called into work so he had to go there for a little bit. That was fine, but disappointing again. It was supposed to be the day we were together with out everyone else. I said something to him about it and he apologized, there was somethings going on in his life that had him stressed that I knew about cause we tell each other the big and little things in life. He and I sat down that night and talked. While I wont go into what was bothering him, I do understand it. We both just got out of things that were long and hurtful. So we ultimately decided, together, that we were not ready for the intensity of our relationship. So the next two days were a little uncomfortable but only because our dynamic had just changed. Dont get me wrong, we still looked at each other the same, he would come in and hug me. He would do all the same things in the evening. But it was different. It hurt. We would go to bed at night and talk for a bit but not touch, I mean I fell asleep that first night and woke up when he was gently running his finger tips down my arms and shoulders. I could tell he didn't know what to say or do so I didn't let on that I was awake. I just lay there wishing that this was under different circumstances. After a little bit he leaned over and kissed my shoulder and whispered "God I love you." Then he rolled over and I have no idea how long it took him to go to sleep.

I lay there until the alarm went off a few hours later thinking how unfair it is that we can care so damn much for each other and know that we arent ready. The next night was probably the most amazing night of the trip, but I wont go into why. Tuesday night was ok. But Wednesday morning he came in and hugged me while I was getting ready to go to the airport and he was getting ready to leave for work. He hugged me for a long time said he wished it was different and was glad I had come out to see him. Then told me he would miss me. I got home and havent talked to him since.

My heart is hurting in more ways than I can even begin to describe. I genuinely love this man and knowing how he feels about me makes it more difficult. I wish God would see fit for the issues we have to be over. I hate him not being in my daily life. He needs his space and he needs to heal from whats hurting him before he can ever be ready for anything. I'm not gonna lie, I want that man. I wish like hell I could fix him. But all I can do now is pray that he is ok. Now Im drained again, emotionally.

and the mighty fall.. hard Part I

So I was more than just a little excited to go to DC. The first few days were amazing. The first day in particular was the best. We clicked. I mean it wasn't like we were spending the first real amount of time together. We fit together so naturally. No pressure, no nervousness. I mean I was nervous on the flight, scared to death that I was gonna get there and it be a disaster. But once I got there I was completely at ease the first moment I laid eyes on that beautiful man.

The first day I got there, we drove home from the airport and he was just so cute. He opened doors for me. He would grab my hand to lead me places. He showed me around the apartment that he shares with his best friend then got all excited to show me his year in review video from work. He was so funny cause he wanted to show me what he does from day to day. I enjoyed that we snuggled up on the couch and watched it and laughed. After we watched that we decided we would venture out and see some of the city. So I went to change out of my travel clothes which were awesome, I mean I looked amazing. I wore a cute little sweater dress and had my hair done up and tall black high heel boots. He loved it. He told me several times how beautiful I was, which made me feel amazing. I went in the room and changed in to jeans and a hoodie, since it was slightly chilly in DC, and he came in while I was sitting on the bed putting my shoes on. He made the comment that I seemed tired, I was. So he sat on the bed next to me and rubbed my back while I finished pulling my hair up and making myself ready to go out. I excused myself for a minute to use the restroom and went back and he was laid on the bed waiting, I laid down with him and snuggled up to him. We took about an hour nap just curled up together. It was amazing.

Like I said there was no pressure. When we both woke up we kind of just laid there snuggled up together and talked quietly and held on to each other. It was sweet. It made me feel like I deserved to have something and some one so wonderful, he kept telling me how happy he was that I was there with him. That night we went to China town and went to a movie. He would reach out automatically to grab my hand. He would pull me in close while we waited for the metro. He was amazing. We got back to the apartment and curled up together to watch a movie. He kept coming over to kiss me, not like insistently, but just kiss me and let me know he was happy for me to be with him. I adored the way the man looked at me, and would reach over to touch me. At some point he got up and went in the bedroom to get a pillow. He came back laid down on the couch and put the pillow in my lap and wrapped his arms around me. We finished our movie like that, and I just sat that with him lightly rubbing his back. At bed time we curled up and passed out, lets face it, it was a long very good day. It was perfect.

The next morning he had to work, so he got up and tried very hard to be quiet not to wake me, but by the time he was ready to leave for work I was laying in bed watching him get dressed. I was still exhausted but just laid there thinking how lucky I was that this amazing beautiful man wanted to stay in bed with me, even though all we did was sleep. Eventually he caught me watching him and he crawled over to me and hugged me and kissed me and told me to relax and have a good day. Oh I did, I was lazy as hell! I loved it. By the time he got home I was still feeling super lazy but happy to see his face. He ran up the stairs and burst into the room and jumped on the bed to kiss me. Then made fun of the book I was reading. I have to admit it was funny. The man has more energy than anyone I know. We got out and went grocery shopping and made dinner. While we were doing that I started to feel as if I was going to be sick, I mean not really sick but just not right. Before we were done cooking I ran to the bathroom with the feeling like I was gonna be ill. I made it in there and hit the wall, the whole room was moving. He came running in, cause well lets face it I hit the wall hard. It hurt. I was fully aware that I was shaking and trying not to cry. He put himself between me and the wall, I was shaking so much he was scared I was gonna hurt myself. I managed to get calmed down and went and laid on the bed til dinner was ready.

He came in a little bit later and brought me dinner, in bed, and a large glass of super cold water. He sat down and looked at me carefully and asked if I wanted to go to the ER. I told him no I just wanted to eat and lay down. This after all hit out of no where. I ate a few little bites of dinner, cause I just couldn't bring myself to eat, I was still shaking quite a bit and my stomach was now upset. So we finished dinner and settled in with a blanket on the couch to watch a movie. I curled up in his arms and passed out. He woke me up when the movie was over to put me back in bed. I know he was awake most of the night because he kept reaching over to rub my back and shoulders. I worried the man. I hated that. The next day I was still exhausted from it but felt a million times better.

That third day he got home from work and was exhausted, for one he stayed late, had two sessions of PT, had several scratches on his arms and he had been assigned his billet for the year. He came in we got dinner, and curled up on the couch to watch a movie, we were both exhausted. He got his blanket that he liked to lay around with and curled up like we had gotten used to. He was looking a little distraught so I told him to come to me, and he laid his head in my lap and I rubbed his back and the back of his head, before I knew it he was passed out and twitching like crazy. I thought, at first, that he was just stressed and couldnt get his body to turn off after his crazy day. So when what we were watching finished I woke him up and told him we should just go to bed. He smiled and said "you still rub my back?" I said yes and we went to get in bed. I rubbed his back til he was good and asleep. I fell asleep and in an hour or so he was twitching again like crazy and before I knew it he was jerking straight up and screamed. I didn't know what to say or do, so I gently reached over and said "baby, its ok, come here I will rub your back some more." He laid back down and wrapped around me and I stayed awake a few hours doing just that. While I did that he twitched but no where near what he was doing. I fell asleep several times with the same results.

By the time his alarm went off I had barely slept and he was exhausted. He said he was sorry he kept me up. That night we went to dinner and he apologized again for keeping me awake. I told him it was ok, it didn't bother me. Then told me he was sorry if he scared me. It really didn't scare me. I had and idea of what it was. He went on to explain that he had PTSD from being in Iraq for so long and some times it got bad but most nights its just mild twitching. I hated that for him. He didn't want to talk about it, which was fine I told him I wouldn't ask questions. Out of 9 nights I dealt with it only 3 so it wasn't too terrible. I learned how I could help.

I was at this point so extremely happy to be there and with this amazing man who looked at me like the world began with me. I loved our little routine we were starting. Looking back these were the best days of the trip. We had opened up to each other and were having a great time. I will tell you more later. I can only say so much before Im drained....

Monday Monday Monday

"Love is the knowledge that someone somewhere has a need for you, and you, a need for them." Unknown

So I will be in DC on, you guessed it, Monday! I cant wait to see him! Let me tell you I am already a huge ball of nerves and I have a three more days to go!

I guess in some ways I worry that I will get there and he will be disappointed in what he gets. Though we have been pretty open with each other and we each pretty well know what we are getting in the other person. You never know what they may think the first time that you really get to see each other. I mean I haven't seen him since our cruise in September. But we talk constantly, multiple time through out the day, we send lots of pictures, and we never run out of things to talk about. So why am I worried? I don't know really.

This man makes me crazy, in a wonderful way. He tells me I am beautiful and I look in the mirror and wish I could see what it is he sees, even though he tries so hard to tell me. Generally I am a troll when I am first woken up, but just add Kevin and the troll melts away. I swear he can wake me up at some ungodly hour, and I smile. I dont get all bitchy because I was sleeping good or because I may not fall back asleep for hours, I just lay in bed and smile. Usually because hes sent some sweet text that says he misses me or cant wait to see me. Its crazy the effect that he has on me.

I swear this man has the ability to take my bad days and make them good. He always knows just what to say to make me feel better even if he just calls and listens. Its amazing. I have never opened up to any single person the way that I do with him. I find myself wondering if I will be even more ridiculous after getting him to myself for a week.

When my week is over and I have to return to Omaha, will I be one big emotional mess? I have always prided myself on the fact that I never needed anyone to validate me. I never needed anyone to make me feel better. I have always had attachments but I have never had a need for some one. That is the only real way to describe this. The feeling I have for this man is so much more than attraction. I almost feel as if I need him. Yes this is scary. I mean why wouldn't it be? If it wasn't, it would not be real right?

At least once a day the man turns me into a completely mushy girl. He says something that makes my heart beat fast and my head spin. I swear this is crazy. I know so many people say that happens to every one but I have never in my life felt that way. I have loved a few people. I think I was only truly in love one time, and even then it was nothing like this. Yes I would trade that feeling I had then for all the wonderful ones I have now.

Yes I know exactly what the odds are stacked against us. Lets see there's the fact that hes active duty military, which puts him at risk to go to war at any time. Then there's the whole long distance thing, sure this kind of thing doesn't help at all. I mean how many people actually make that work? Those two things alone are enough to make a lot of girls, and men, run from the start. I will say one thing though, if it wasn't for the distance, we probably would not have taken the time to get to know one another like we have. I think that even though we have lacked the physical time together, we have done very well so far. Yes some days this is very frustrating. There are days I want to sit in a corner and feel sorry for myself because I am slightly lonely. But what good would any of that do? No good, that's what. So I just don't do it.

So finally after four long months, I will be meeting him at Regan on Monday morning! I swear the next few days cant go fast enough. I am going to drive me and every one around me nuts right up to the minute I jump on him! I swear hes not gonna know what hits him when I see him that first moment! Crazy to think a few months ago I met and avoided this beautiful man, and now all I can think about is how lucky I am to have him in my life. I can not wait to see what we have in store for ourselves! I love every inch of this man, he is seriously that guy we all dream about, or at least for me he is that prince charming we all pretend to fall in love with as little girls. I just cant imagine why he would ever want me, but I swear one thing, I wont be letting him go.

Cold weather is good for one thing. SNUGGLING!!! Ugh! Naturally he gets all bundled up to go out and sends me a picture. The picture to the left, to be exact. Sexy! I swear he is!

Today in Omaha, it was blizzard conditions. We didn't get a lot of snow, but it is so windy you cant see the cars in front of you. Kind of ridiculous.

Today in DC, it was raining and 38 degrees. So he was cold too. Yet we are sitting in our separate apartments, half way across the country from each other. Each of us completely bundled up.

Right now I just want to be snuggled up with my handsome Marine, watching a movie or talking about nothing. I miss that gorgeous smile and his crystal blue eyes. I swear I'm a sappy fool.

Not gonna lie, I really wish that I lived some where closer to him. I wish that I was with him right now. I feel a little whiny today. Apparently hes feeling that way too. He keeps sending me little messages saying he wishes I was there. Makes me smile every single time. But what I wouldnt give to be there with him right now on this cold night. I never knew I could want to be with some one so badly. This is making me crazy. Maybe I should start looking into jobs in DC.

texts, calls, voicemails...

Its like this. One day you are miserable. The next day some one just kind of turns your world inside out. I mean its like some one turned a light on and theres this huge sign pointing right at it. I know exactly what I want and I know that even though I am petrified, I am 100% sure I have found where I am supposed to be in life. I have never been more sure of anything else.

I go some where and out of no where I think to myself, man I wish like hell he was here. This would be so much better if he was with me. Sure Ive been mushy before. But I have never, not ever, been to the point where I hurt to be with some one. I mean not physically. I mean my heart aches to be with him. Isnt that the sickest thing you have ever heard?

Seriously, last night we were both super pathetic. I had a pretty rough evening. Stupid me I managed to ruin the knee that I hadnt destroyed. I was feeling whiny. He was trying to make me feel better. Some how he always does. He was in Baltimore at a concert. Right in the middle of it, he texts me to say, "why arent you with me?" So I am not alone. Im not the only crazy person. Apparently he is too.

Again last night my friends and I are sitting around playing Clue, cause we have decided that this is our game of choice. Anyways, we were talking and I dont remember what was asked of me, but my answer was, Im sure I could if it was the right guy. All three of my beautiful roomies then pipe up in unison, IT IS THE RIGHT GUY! Ok! I hear you. I am just not sure if I am wanting to admit that yet.

My mom used to tell me that love wasnt blind, but sees every flaw and still wants the gift being given. Yes I say it a lot. He is perfect. I mean hes not. He has his flaws. Thing is I see them, he points them out. But damn it they are part of who makes him who he is, and I want him despite the flaws.

I think when it comes down to it, I am petrified that this could be very real. I mean not really petrified, just scared to take the chance again. I adore this man. Ok I will admit it. I love this man. I havent really said that to anyone so thats a big deal for me. I mean we are pathetic, every day one of us says, at least once, why arent you here with me? So its not like we dont want to be together. You have no idea how tempting it is to just pack everything up and leave. Just move across the country and snuggle up with him every single night. Sounds like paradise if you ask me.

I met him in August. I knew the minute I laid eyes on him that everything was different. I knew that I had a connection the first time he said my name. Trust me we tried the idea of not going there. I tried hard to just not want him. I didnt talk to him for close to a week. Until one night while he was in texas, something was said and he texted me and from that moment on it has been crazy. I mean it was crazy for a few weeks after we got back from our cruise. We did all the crazy questions about each other. We talked alot. We were ridiculous. Then he went to Texas for work. After a few crazy nights and some interesting texts, I pretty much asked what this was and things slowed down. He told me he really liked me but worried about the distance. So I texted him and told him that he needed to think about one thing, would he regret not trying. So it was a week later that he texted me and said something that answered my question.

That same night I was drinking with friends, I had a bad day. So I was getting pretty wasted. Well it was his last night in Texas, so the unit was well getting pretty wasted as well. So I guess I had called him and left an interesting voicemail. I passed out on the couch. I woke up at 5 in the morning to a sweet voicemail. It was him just saying he wished I had answered the phone because he missed my voice. He just wanted to hear my voice before he passed out for the night. His friend Tyler was busy trying to take his phone from him. He said good night and then continued to complain at Tyler to leave him alone. Just as I was thinking ok erase that message, I hear him say to Tyler, "I dont think you understand, I have tried to stay away, not let this go further, but she makes my world spin." It was then that the phone disconnected. I asked him the next day if he remembered calling me. He said vaguely. But I never told him what he said.

So the other night I was at the gym talking to him in text while running on the elliptical. We were talking about my up coming trip to DC and the fact that one of my best friends wishes that I would not go alone. We both admitted that we worry about getting hurt. He then told me something that totally melted my heart. He said "Amanda we can be scared and never do anything about this, or we can take the chance and yes risk getting hurt." I for one will take what ever chance I need to, to find out if this man is in fact the man for me. So my response was, "Kevin, we only get one life. I have no intention of looking back in a few years and wondering what if I had taken that chance. Life is about our choices and our mistakes and what we learn from them."

Nothing :)

So lately during our conversations, either in text or on the phone, The Marine has made it a habit to do something like this....
Him: Babe
Me: Yes Sir
Him: Nothing :)
Me: Ok Nothing to you :)

Yeah its cute. It always makes me smile. Hes sweet as they come. We are crazy people with each other. So yesterday was his birthday and in the middle of the day, while I knew he was at work, I sent him something similar.....

Me: Babe! Guess what.... I like you! :)
Him: I like you too! You are very nice people! :)
Him: You come see me for my day of birth?
Me: I wish! I miss you!

See we are silly. This is how alot of our conversations go. Well not always. I mean we actually talk about things, but yeah right now we are pathetic with the holidays around the corner and well every ones starting to figure us out. I mean we have both been pretty quiet about our relationship. My closest friends know and family. His closest friends and room mates know what is going on. We just havent been all public and stuff with it. Im sure thats coming. Not gonna lie the idea of putting it out there is scary for me, I mean I havent had the best of luck. But I swear I adore this man.

My life is so enriched just by knowing this man. I truly believe that he is in my life to make it a better place. Truth is he makes me want to be the better person I know I can be. I want so much more for myself now that he is there. Its crazy. I cant believe that my life could change so much with in such a short amount of time. He makes my world so much better.

Slow Down... Or not

This is a sentiment I have been hearing over and over again lately. Like Im rushing into the next part of my life or something. Yeah, like thats even possible. Its hard to rush anything when my life is a mess. I mean the ex is still mad that I left, making it so hard to do anything.

If I can give anyone any one piece of advice, it would be, do not buy a house with some one you arent married to. It screws you in the end. I loved that house, it was my home, I picked it. But now its the one thing keeping me stagnant. If I leave completely he will sue me for breach of contract. So right now I live in two places. Yeah thats awesome isnt it.

Then the whole family is crazy over this whole new relationship. My mom and brother are happy for me. They know there is no way to rush this. I mean seriously I could if I wanted to. But I have been in too many bad relationships that lasted way too long. So why would I mess up something wonderful by moving too fast. Yes the distance sucks, but see heres the deal, we have gotten to know each other so much more than we would have if we were closer to each other. I swear in almost four months I have gotten to know some one I never dreamed was under that exterior. We have missed very few days talking. I get a good morning every day, I get either a text or a call to say good night, every night. Its rare that I dont get that. I adore every single minute I get with him, every single word that comes through in text message. I am happier than I have ever been in my whole life.

The Marine makes me smile every day. He says this is his goal. I keep trying to figure out where I got so lucky with this guy. He amazes me. We were talking Sunday about all the different times we had been sick. I mentioned how healthy I was til I moved to Nebraska. We were talking about pneumonia and how many times each of us have had it. I told him that I developed asthma after the last round of it in May. He then tells me, "Im gonna take care of you." Yeah I was ecstatic at this. This whole conversation took place while he was on duty. I was keeping him entertained.

Long story short we texted from 9 in the morning til he got off work at like 1030 at night. After he told me that he was gonna take care of me, I realized, yes he is. He has every intention of making me happy. So I told him, "You are so sweet, Thats it! I am gonna keep you!" To which he replied, ":) Good!" I adore him.

Honestly though, I dont think we are moving fast. I mean hes there and I am here. Dont get me wrong if the situation was different, I would be excited to move there. There is just so much to get in order before this is even close to an option. But every night he tells me he wishes I was there to curl up with him and sleep. I want that. I cant wait to see him so that I can just lay there with him and talk. I am excited like crazy to be able to look him in the eye when I talk to him. Oh the possibilities...