The One, Do They Really Exist?

How many of us have fallen hard, once, twice, ok admit it, a few times? I mean really fell, you thought that person was the end of it all for you. Lets face it, as women, we tend to fall easier than the men do. At least this has been my experience, either personally or through the ones I love. So what do you think? Does "the one" really exist? How do you know when you have actually found him/her? Some one once told me you would just know. Ok well I did just know, twice. So where the hell is my heart going wrong, cause well I dont fall easy and I generally dont buy into the pretty words or bull. I am hard on people, I dont trust easy. So when that "one" jumped over my, hard to climb, walls, I was shocked and even a little scared. I guess that last statement raises yet another question, if i was scared, why did I "just know" he was it? Well all I knew at that time was he was my best friend, I had a relationship with this man that rivaled any other one I had in my life at that time. All I knew was he was the first and last thing on my mind every day and he was constantly on my mind all day. I could tell you every detail of every time we were together. I knew him like the back of my hand. I could tell you every bad habit, his reputation, but also the man I knew that no one else knew. I knew the things about him that would have shocked other people, the front he put up for everyone else was not the man I got. Yet we werent together. We were the best of friends who made a terrible mistake. We got too close then he got married. To this day he swears hes the happiest man in the world, but he cant look me in the eye and say that. Why? Cause he still cant lie to me. Then there was this last one. With in minutes of meeting this beautiful man, I told my friend Elyssa, "I need to stay away from that one. I have a feeling if I dont that I will be too far gone to look at any one else, ever again." I knew. I just knew, from the very moment I met him. It had nothing to do with his physical appearance, though that was beautiful. It was just this crazy connection I felt to him. I looked him in the eye and before he even told me his name I knew him. Its like I knew exactly who he was and what he was meant for. I spent an entire week watching him but avoiding running into him. If you read this blog, well you know the rest of this story, so I wont go into the Amanda/Kevin saga of stupid. So I ask you, again, what is your thoughts? Does that "One True Love" really exist, for every one?

No title just random thoughts.

I know life cant be perfect,
So why do I expect it to be?
I know life cant be perfect,
But I cant except anything less.

I know I have flaws,
So why cant I find them in others?
I know I have flaws,
But I seem to be jealous at time of others.

I know imperfections are what make us unique,
So why do I question my differences?
I know imperfections are what make us unique,
But I want to be like everyone else.

I stole it from James

10 bands you've been listening a lot to lately:
1. Keith Urban
2. Cross Canadian Ragweed
3. Dave Matthews Band
4. Green Day
5. Jon Bon Jovi
6.Derks Bentley
7. Gary Allen
8. Roy Orbison (yeah i know)
9. Beethoven (yes i like Classical music)
10. Rob Thomas
09 things you look forward to:
1. Meeting my new God daughter
2. Friday
3. Paying off my next vehicle
4. Seeing Hope
5. Seeing Lisa
6. Getting home to see Adam
7. My next pay check
8. Dinner
9. Finishing School
8 things you like to wear:
1. Socks
2. my wholey jeans
3. Flip Flops
4. High Heels
5. Red Lipstick
6. Dangly earrings
7. Rings
8. Dresses
07 things that annoy you:
1. Banks
2. Cheaters
3. UT
4. Stupidity
5. Players
6. Dirty Fingernails
7. Gossip
06 things you say most days:
1. Good afternoon thank you for calling the lead desk this is Amanda, how may I assist you?
2. Shut up Adam
3. I love you
4. What up Ho! ( Hope knows)
5. Good evening thank you for calling Marriott Rewards Redemptions this is Amanda, may I have your confirmation number.
6. Bob! I need help!!!
05 things you do everyday:
1. Tell Adam I love him
2. Eat
3. Talk on the phone
4. Wonder where my dad is.
5. Laugh
04 people you want to spend more time with:
1. Hope
2. Lisa
3. Kristy
4. Kevin
03 movies you could watch over and over again:
1. Top Gun
2. Batman
3. Steel Magnolias
02 of your favorite songs at the moment:
1. Would have to be this way- Leigh Ann Rhymes
2. Have a nice day- Bon Jovi
01 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. Adam at this time.
.NUMBER OF: -
height:5'5
foot size- 7 1/2
color of hair- Blonde
siblings-2 sisters and 4 brothers
LAST: -
movie you rented: I cant remember that far back
Movie you bought- Frequency
song that was stuck in your head: The Oscar Myer bologna song
last person you called- Adam
tv show you've watched: Probably Connan O' Brien
Last person you were thinking of: Kristy
DO: -
you have a crush on someone: Just Adam
you wish you could live somewhere else: Not really
do you believe in online dating: Why not Ive met two of my boyfriends on line.
do others find you attractive: Ive been told so.
do you want more peircings: Only my ears are peirced I am sure it will stay that way.
do you write in cursive or print: both
FAVORITE: -
food: Lasagna
thing to do: Nothing on my day off with Adam
thing to talk about: Baseball
drinks: Cherry Coke (cant have it no more) and Iced Tea
clothes: Socks and my wholy jeans.
movies: Depends on the day. Top Gun is my favorite movie though
holiday: Fourth of July
HAVE YOU: -
ever cried over a girl: Yes I cried when Kristy found out she was pregnant
over a boy: Dont remind me. Neither deserved it.
ever been in a fist fight: Sure Have.
ever been arrested: Nope, the cops are my friends.
WHAT-
shampoo do you use: Aussie
shoes do you wear: I own lots of shoes varies day to day.
are you scared of: Water.
number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: Kevin, Kristy and Adam
number of people I consider my enemies: Nope none.
FAVORITE: -
Disney movie: Brother Bear
word: HONEY!!!!!!!!!
nickname: Im not even going there I have too many
eye color: Brown.
flower: yellow roses
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE: -
pretty/handsome: Ehhh
funny: yes I am
hot: umm no
friendly: always
amusing: Yep
ugly: no way
caring: I will help even the people i dont like.
sweet: yes
dorky: Around my family
DESCRIBE YOUR:
Wallet – Black leather with Elvis on it.
Jewelry worn daily- Watch, necklace with Hopes Squadran on it, and a ring
Pillow cover – varies
Underwear – Different every day.
Favorite shirt - Dont know that I really have one
Perfume/cologne – Gossip
CD in stereo right now – a mixed one Hope made
What you are wearing now – A white t-shirt, tan pants and undergarments
In my mouth – teeth and my tongue
In my head – Useless knowledge
Wishing – That I wasnt working Christmas and Christmas Eve and New years Eve.
Person you wish you could see right now –Nana
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month – Nothing too much
Do you like the taste of blood – Umm No
Do you believe in love – Yeah
Do you believe in Heaven - Yes.
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be – An Elephant
What's your favorite coin – I dont know.....

I wonder...

She sits and stares out the window wondering if he will ever just grow up......

How is it I never know what to believe if it comes from him....

Why does the thought of not talking to him bother me but I cant answer the phone when he calls......

If he is in need why do I want to help but if I am the one in need he runs to hide.....

How can you know and trust some one your whole life then realize it may have all been a farse......

These are the things I wonder sometimes and things I have felt for a while when it comes to talking to or about my father. He is my father but why do I feel like he should just live his life and grow up rather than making the four of us crazy and worried all the time???

Lifes questions.

Seems at some point we all ask the hard questions. Here are some that I have asked lately. I may have gotten answers but I am still learning to sit down in the quiet of the morning and listen to God as he speaks to me. When he knows I am the only one that can stand in the way of giving him my full attention...

Why did everything fall apart just as I was taking ahold of my life and getting a grasp on reality again?

Why do I fight the urge to call one of my best friends out of the plain fear of hearing his voice?

Why do I cringe at the thought of another relationship, yet my heart tells me to move ahead?

Why is it that I seem to grow colder every day on the subjects of love and happiness, yet I am happier now than I ever remember being?

Why am I having trouble sleeping at night?

Why is it that I cant look at babies up to the age of three with out wishing I had my own?

Why am I scared that he will come to find me?

Why do I still check every corner, every door to make sure its locked at night, and the back seat of my car when I am alone?

Why is it that I dread sleeping alone?

Why cant I grasp the idea of having anyone as a part of my life other than just as a friend?

Why do I hide my true feelings from every one?

Why am I scared of losing every one I love the most?

Why do I worry so much about Kristy and Kevin?

Why is it I can find relation and tangible feelings in every sad song I hear?

Why did it take me so long to see that it is getting better all the time?

Note that I am doing so much better now than I was 6 months ago. But I still have my occassional fight with God. And I still sit down and cry when no ones looking. I have learned the value of sitting down with an open heart and talking to God rather than yelling. He will never get threw if I am closed off this way. The warmth of the sun is what seems melt the ice that has formed in my chest. I am learning love and the value of being loved all over again. Even though the only love I allow is from my friends and family.
From my friend Adam who listens to and takes my shit every single day here lately. Has yet to refrain from calling me on any little bit of bull shit. He keeps me in line and makes sure I am facing it all. He makes sure that I know that I am worth being around and spending time with. He makes me smile, which is a hell of a feat for any man to do these days. That is other than my brothers, Bill and Kevin.
To Hope, Lisa and our Mommy. You three put up with way too much crap from me and I love all of you for it. Thanks for the love.
To Kevin and Kristy. You guys have been there for me too many times to be counted. I love you two so much its almost unbearable at times. You two mean more to me than any two fools in the entire world. I wish that every one could have a set of friends and tards just like yall.
From my band of "Support Sisters," Krys, Nat and Becca. I am thankful for the love and prayers that each of you send my way. I would be so much farther behind where I am today with out each of you! Thanks for the support in this journey I am wandering through. Its been long and arduious but with the love and support of each of you I have found a way to make it through each and every day. Thank you!

I stole this from Krys!

1. FIRST NAME? Amanda
2. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? Yeah you would have to ask mom the story
3. DO YOU WISH ON STARS? Sometimes.
4. WHICH FINGER IS YOUR FAVORITE? Am I supposed to??
5. WHEN DID YOU LAST CRY? Do I have to admit to that one??
6. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? Eh sometimes.
7. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Turkey
8. ANY BAD HABITS? Thinking and over analyzing things that are beyond my capabilities of fixing.
9. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING CD ON THE SHELF? Im gonna have to say that would be umm... I dont know that Im ashamed of anyof them.
10. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Yes I would.
11. ARE YOU A DAREDEVIL? Sometimes. Depends on what I am doing.
12. YOU EVER TOLD A SECRET YOU SWORE YOU WOULD NOT TELL? Only when it was a dangerous secret.
13. DO LOOKS MATTER? Depends on the situation.
14. HOW DO YOU RELEASE ANGER? Write.
15. WHERE IS YOUR SECOND HOME? Right now, I dont really have one.
16. DO YOU TRUST OTHERS EASILY? Not even close.
17. WHAT WAS YOUR FAVORITE TOY AS A CHILD? Harry the Koala bear. I still have him.
18. WHAT CLASS IN SCHOOL DO YOU THINK IS TOTALLY USELESS? Ok heres where the nerd in me comes in.... I liked most every class. I dont think any were useless.
19. DO YOU HAVE A JOURNAL? Several..
20. DO YOU USE SARCASM? Only when Im breathing...
21. HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN A MOSH PIT? Yep took a stage dive too what about it....
22. WHAT DO YOU LOOK FOR IN A GUY/GIRL? Personality, they gotta make me laugh..
23. WHAT ARE YOUR NICKNAMES? Mandie, Kiesha, Khris calls me Nebraska. Theres a never ending supply of names from Kevin.
24. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? Nope dont wanna be connected to a huge rubber band....
25. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? In the words of my friend Mark Mc Clure: That would be a negative captain....
26. DO YOU THINK THAT YOU ARE STRONG? Emotional most of the time.
27. SHOE SIZE? Dood every one knows that varies from shoe to shoe!
28. HOW MANY WISDOM TEETH DO YOU HAVE? How ever many I was created with!
29. WHO DO YOU MISS MOST RIGHT NOW? Kevin Andrew
30. IF YOU COULD BE ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD RIGHT NOW WHERE WOULD YOU BE? At Aprils Wedding in the morning.
31. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? The dryer.
32. WHAT'S THE LAST THING YOU ATE? Ummm...
33. WHO IS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE? Adamt
34. THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT THE OPPOSITE SEX? Different for all of them.
35 WHO MAKES YOU SMILE THE MOST? Im soo not answering that.
36. HOW ARE YOU TODAY? Cant sleep

37. EYE COLOR? Brown
38. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Not currently.
39. SIBLINGS? Several. Lisa, Matt, Hope, my three step brothers Chris, Alan and William
40. FAVORITE MONTH? July
41. FAVORITE FOOD? Any thing Italian
42 LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? I will say The Notebook.
43. FAVORITE DAY OF THE YEAR? New Years Day
44. ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK SOMEONE OUT? Hell yes.
45. SCARY MOVIES OR HAPPY ENDINGS? Happy Endings.
46. RELATIONSHIPS OR ONE NIGHT STANDS? I dont do one night stands.
47. WHAT BOOKS ARE YOU READING? Down At the end of Lonely street. The life of Elvis Presley
48. WHAT'S A GOOD WORD/PHRASE TO DESCRIBE YOURSELF? Onry little shit!
49. WHAT'S THE BEST LESSON YOU'VE LEARNED LATELY? Rely on your self and let God lead the way. Dont let some one else dictate who you are.
50. DO YOU EXPECT ANYONE TO FILL THIS OUT AND SEND IT BACK? Nope

my personal mountains

Ever just stopped for a few minutes and wondered where you belong in the world? Where do I fit into the big picture?? I wonder that every day. I find some joy in places I have yet to reveal. I am making progress with my life by leaps and bounds. I am taking big steps in some areas and baby steps in others. I am moving on with my life at a comfortable pace. Yet I have no idea where my life fits into the grand scale of things. I guess I really dont have to know that though. I mean I like to stop and look at the whole of things on occassion. I tend to over analyze alot of things. I generally know what I want, I almost always get the things I want. I see something that I want and I go for it. If I really want it well get out of my way cause I will get there. I dont accept personal failure at all. Then again my victories are on a small scale that no one else will see until they add up. That is here lately they arent. For me it feels like I have just climed a mountain but to others Im sure it seems I have barely walked across a flat surface. Im conquering the biggest of my personal mountains right now. I am putting love behind me. I am picking up and moving past it. I am learning to put my self back out there. Trust me its not been easy. But I have found that I have a hell of a great support system in the people that have become regulars in here. Thank you guys I love all of you!

Two Big Dates

October 25th is the date. That is the due date for my newest neice or nephew. Gosh I wish I was there. Kristy is my best friend. Yet I cant be there, again. We wont know until May 2nd if this will be a boy or girl. I am wanting a boy! I got my favorite little girl already. Katherine is my girl. I love her and she knows it. Or I should say, I have always tried to make sure she knew it. That baby girl helped me to grow up. She is the reason my best friend is still here. I love those two. They are probably the best people in the world for me. Joey and Kristy have set the wedding date for May 7th. Im working on getting there. Im hoping to be there. I dont know that I will be able to live with myself if she gets married and I am not there. We have dreamed about this day our whole lives. Its finally happening for her and I may not be there. Oh I am hurting.

Three strikes is all we get, Right??

Close to a week ago I came into some bit of knowledge. A friend of mine sent me a text message. Seems some one that I cared for a great bit got married, has a baby on the way. Wow hes happy. Im still shocked. One day I will understand why I feel left behind. I cared about him I wont dare say I loved him. For he only months ago revealed to me that he had never stopped loving me. So yeah I think about him but I wonder about his marriage. Considering when I talked to him in October this girl was someone he had just met. I worry about my friends. But I wish him great happiness. At the age of 23 I have known love three times. Sadly enough they were in succession of each other. One my Junior/Senior years of high school. The one whom I never reveal the name to. The one that shall remain sacred and secret, forever locked in my heart. Then Toby just after I graduated lasting four years until July of 2004. Then James, with whom I am afraid my heart will reside even after he forgets my name. I am sadly very bad at the whole love thing. But I have known it. For my age I dare say I have seen too much of it. May never know it again. I got my three strikes, Im out.
Lets review:
Strike 1: Nameless
Strike 2: Toby
Strike 3: James
Yep that adds up to three. Thats all we get, right? Well if life wer like a baseball game, yes thats all we get. I dont know that I know anyone at my age that can truly say they have loved three times. Yet only one of them got all of me. Heart they all got. Soul, body, mind and spirit thats a different story. One got all. One got the heart, soul, mind and spirit. He still has it. But my body, that is reserved. It may well never be given away again. Love is the ultimate goal for me. I want to be loved fully. Though I may have run off the only person to ever really show me that love. One day maybe I will be up to bat again. But this time I wont allow the third strike. That heart break may just kill me.