Turn It Up A Notch

Well this week has been very interesting.  We had a million things going on at home, work and elsewhere.  We went out to the rodeo on Friday.  Now here's a big suprise, I am a huge rodeo fan.  Ok if you know me, you know that is sarcastic.  1 I am from Texas, 2 I ride a horse regularly... Seriously I LOVE RODEO!  So we went and got to see some of my favorites, Trevor Brazille, holy cow!  Thats all I will say there, hes my favorite.  But yeah.  Then top off the rodeo with my all time favorite country singer and I am totally psyched.  So after the rodeo Clay Walker gets on stage.  We bought entrance on to the floor.  So we were down in the dirt just feet from him... Im in heaven.  Then he points at me! AHHH!  Well through out his set he's throwing out his guitar picks!  I totally caught one!  Yes I am a dork, but I have loved this man since I was like 8 years old.  So this was huge for me!
Then yesterday morning I am at the clinic pulling my nurse rotation for the week, and my phone goes off, I look down and it is my twitter account.  I had sent a picture and put on it @ClayWalker, Have I mentioned I love you?!?!? Well when my phone buzzed it was him responding to me, it said I LOVE YOU TOO!!  I was freaking out.  May be the only good thing that happened all day yesterday. 
We lost a patient right at the end of the day, for some odd reason this one was hard on me.  I never get upset when we lose a patient.  Hell if I did I would be a mess most shifts.  I am kind of desensitized to it.  But yesterday was bad.  I balled my eyes out for about an hour.  Then slept for like 5 hours, I was a total lump of crap all day after that.  I swear I never got out of my pajamas after lunch.  That pathetic. 
Kevin and I have talked randomly through out the week.  These have all been on him.  If we talked its been at his pace and I will be honest Im good with that.  Means hes trying.  Its not an easy situation.  I know everyone, save a few people, believe the two of us are stupid and just wasting our time with each other.  I wish people understood that we love each other and dont know how to do this.  He finally came right out and said the distance bothered him.  Well Amanda can relocate!  Duh!  That was kind of what we had been talking about before anyways.  Doesnt really matter, I long ago decided that I love the area, with or with out him, I am gonna be there one day. 
Its not a decision that will be popular, but once the right job offer comes along again, I am out of here.  My mother is ok with that.  She says I need to be there to work on what I want and need out of life.  She says I am happy when I am there and she wants to see me happy again.  I love my mom. The cool part is one of my best friends from high school is getting stationed out there at the begining of the year, so I may already have a room mate when I do finally move.  Veronica and I are both excited cause that means we will have some one and be in a freaking awesome place!  So on with the job hunt!!!

There are days that I wonder how much one person can truly take.  I dont say that to say  I have a crap life, I dont.  But I wonder some days why it cant just get better, but it seems the worse is still on its way.  I am ready to be in that part of life where I come home to a hug and some one to just sit and be quiet with and  snuggle up to so that I feel like I have some one to feel like is there for me and only me.  I know that sounds selfish.  In January I was so sure I had that.  I was completely in love with this amazing man.  Yes I still believe that he is amazing, by no means perfect, but amazing, yes.  Now I have a man I spend personal time with a few times a month, but have made it completely clear that he is nothing more than a friend, even if those limits are pushed.

I wonder some times if my heart will ever stop screaming for that man.  Yes, I do still love him.  I dont know why.  I mean we are no where near what we once were.  We talk, we are friends, but we arent US.  I know that sounds stupid.  I cant help it, I love that man, even with all his hangups and insecurities.  I guess I am starting to think I should get back out there and date.  I dont really know what I am waiting for.  I guess I dont feel its fair to any other man to date them and so thoroughly love another man.  I just dont want to be that girl.  My heart so badly hurts for Kevin.  I just want to be in something that works for a change.  I want to be in something healthy and happy. 

I hate not knowing what is going on or what will happen with my future.  I just want to be happy again.  I remember happy Amanda, it was so not that long ago... Hello, Happy Amanda, please come back... You are missed!!!

You never know what good will come...

A few months ago I lost what I was certain was the most loved I have ever felt.  Yes I still feel like we had and to some extent still have a connection that no one else will ever top.  When I left DC that cold January morning, I never thought I would go back to that area, EVER.  Well I did go back.  

I went to DC then to Delaware with the girl pictured above.  This girl has been my angel since I met her in January.  Shes stuck by me when I felt alone, listened to me cry and actually been the only person to watch both sides of the Kevin/Amanda run of stupidity.  Meaning she knows all my indiscretions, dates, screw ups and all my personal hell.  Shes been there for it all from afar.  The real kicker here is that threw the majority of the bullshit, she was Kevin's roommates girlfriend.  So she had the inside that I didnt really need and we rarely talked about him.  She knew I was hurt and she knew that I needed to find a way to deal with it. 

I went to see Miss Emily and we had a great time.  I didnt really tell Kevin I was gonna be in the area.  But the day before I left, we were in Maryland driving back to DC from Delaware, and I "butt dialed" him.  He texted me that he was at brunch and asked what was up.  I think he was slightly upset that I didnt tell him I was going to be in the area.  But I guess I was scared to tell him.  I mean I few months ago I was certain I would never talk to him again.  We tried to make plans to hang out.  It didnt end up happening.  Kind of disappointing.  But I know now that next time I will tell him before and make plans cause I do regret not telling him now.

However after this trip, I am 100% sure I will be living in that area eventually I LOVE the east coast.  I am for sure gonna continue to apply for jobs out there and see what happens.  :)  For once I know this would be a move for me and no one else.  But I have friends I love and family there and I would be happy out there.

The stress...

So over the last 7 months I have prayed, I have cried, I have yelled.  I have done just about all I can to make myself into a different person.  I have cried more in the last 7 months than I have ever in my life.  Lets face it starting in January I have gone from one thing to another. 

Lets start with The biggest part.  My health sucks.  I wont allow anyone close to me cause I dont feel its fair to let them near me just to be let down. I rarely make plans cause I end up sick or running a fever or unable to drive cause of the ridiculous dizziness.  I feel like a lost a big part of me when this hit its high point in January.  Then to top it off I pushed away probably the person I have loved the most in my life.  I have gotten better, then worse, then better again.  I was out the other night with Nicole when I decided I didnt feel quite right.  I didnt even make it past a trash can at the theater before I was sick.  This is the kind of thing that I have been dealing with. 

Food, cooking, eating.  It was always one of my favorite things.  Now Im lucky if I go through a single day with out being nauseous.  It would be a great thing to be able to smell food with out wanting to run for the nearest restroom.  I miss food.  Hell yes I still cook.  I just dont enjoy it like I once did.  I even hate grocery shopping now because I can imagine how the smells of my favorite foods are going to turn my stomach.  How sick is that?

I finally moved on from the pain I was feeling daily with my heart.  I started seeing some one.  Not really I mean just spending time with some one.  I enjoy that time.  However, I dont intend for anything to come of it, never did.  Its just been fun.  We understand each other and have told each other about why we are both closed to the idea of anything else with anyone. 

Then on the fourth of July I sent a text out to a lot of friends.  I didnt mean to, or even realize I did it, but I put Kevin on that list.  I wished every one a happy fourth and asked for them to be safe.  Around 2130 that night, for the first time in months, my phone rang to the most beautiful voice in the world.  He called me.  He asked me to forgive him.  Just talking to me made him so nervous. I felt bad for him but I knew he had to get it out.  We are just friends.  That is enough for me.  I would rather have him in my life than not have him at all.  Some times all you can ask for is a friend.  Even if it never happens, if we can never find a way to work other than friends, I have him as a friend. 

I know God has a plan.  I just wish I understood it.  I wish I knew that everything was good.  I wish I knew why I have had to go through this.  I dont get why I am not healthy, why my heart still screams for a man that I havent been able to have, but I know HE has a plan.  Now to move through each day and figure out why.

Why so Quiet?

I dont normally make videos for this blog... because I have a video blog with my roommates... but this is more along the lines of the things I post here...

I need you like a heart needs a beat...

I know that sometimes there are things I dont feel like I have the right to feel, I have thoughts that I dont have the right to think... But where do you draw that line.  Who do you draw them for?  Where does the line being crossed become ok, and with whom? 

These are all thoughts I have had a lot lately.  Why?  Because I guess I have had a few of those thoughts I really feel like I shouldnt, and not because they are bad but because of who they are about...  I dont really want to explain that due to speaking those words would make me feel like less of a friend and well just plain bad for feeling them.  Not that the feelings are bad, or the thoughts even.  They are good, but they arent allowed.  Gosh that sounds confusing, now imagine it being in your mind. 

I guess at some point your emotions run away with you.  Lately I have been really quiet. Not to mention I haven't felt very well in a few days.  I let stress, that shouldnt be happening, get to me, lowering my already barely there, immune system.  Everyone says that I should relax, truth is I just dont know how to...

A letter to me.

Since this seems to be a good way to get things out...

Dear Amanda,

One day you are gonna look back on all the amazing things you have accomplished and know that you lived a life some people actually wish they had.  It may not seem like it right now, but you will see that you have this amazing life and wonderful people in it.  You dont give yourself enough credit, you learn lessons the hard way, but you never forget them.

You arent going to look back and see that you were the last of your friends to get married at have children.  You will look at it and say "I really lived."  You wont look at it and say you reget doing all those things.  You will say "wow what a lesson, that changed me for the better." 

You will look back on those years you spent with Adam and smile, even though there were bad times, some really great things came out of it.   Life dealt you a hand and you bravely took every chance you could in it.  You bought a beautiful house, loved a wonderful dog, who always greeted you in the entry way as if you had been gone forever and you were the most important thing in his world.  There was so much that you took and made yours against all odds, you just got tired at some point of being the only one to fight those odds and you gave up. There is nothing wrong with that and you did NOT fail.  You learned so much from that 5 and a 1/2 years, it was filled with some great things.  Never regret that, even if everyone has their opinions on why that ended, only you know the truth.  Only you can look and say that may have been how it looked to every one else, but you put on a happy act for years before giving up.

For a while you looked back on those 4 years you waited on Toby.  You waited and waited for him to be ready, but you will see that your love for him was more of a need to feel loved and needed.  You were never really any of that, but man did those years make you strong.  You survived so much hurt.  You will always look at kids the right age and wonder what they would be like today.  There will always be that bond on your heart, though you never met them.  They never had a chance, but looking back you will know that it was for the best that they were not meant to be at that point in your life.  This only made you stronger, no matter how much it hurt you.

You showed so much courage by taking that trip to DC.  You had a hard time with that decision after the fact.  You got your heart broke, but you were strong. You took your time to heal, but this showed you that there are great guys out there, who can treat you right.  You learned so much just be being there with him.  It may have taken a really long time for you to stop beating yourself up, and crying at night, wondering if you did something wrong, but you will never regret those days even if you wanted to for a while.  You got such a wonderful gift of a time filled with so much happiness just by having met that man, that you cant look back and not smile at the months that led up to that trip, even if you wish it had turned out differently.  You are a better person for having known him for that short time, no matter who tried to tell you otherwise.  No one else knows what was in your heart. 

Do not ever let anyone tell you that your feelings are not valid, or you have no right to feel a certain way.  Those people will never be able to feel any of what you are feeling and no one will ever completely understand how you are dealing with things, but it is important you complete those cycles of happiness and loss, grief and sorrow, in your own unique way or you will never heal or learn from any of them.  Remember that no matter how hard things get, God wont give you any challenge that he doesnt trust you to be able to handle, even if you wish sometimes he didnt trust you so much.

Dont hide from your friends and family.  Let them be there for you, you would be suprised at how much they worry and wish you would let them in.  You are learning this, again the hard way.  Remember that you have an amazing ability to listen to others and give advice, so maybe just maybe they would love to do the same for you.  You dont have to go through all the dark times in your life alone.  You may feel like theres no way you will pull through, but you arent alone and you will get through every situation just a little bit stronger than the last.

Remember that on the road to happiness, there will be twists, turns and potholes.  Those are all there to make you a better person.  You will one day be that perfect girl for some wonderful man, who sees you as just that, perfect, even though you are no where close to that.  You will look him in the eye and wonder, why does this man love you?  But you will realize, that it doesnt matter, the only thing in life that matters is that hes there and that you two some how complete each other.  So stop stressing!  He will come along.

I know that right now every one says they are sorry when you tell them that you are single, but dont be.  You are living a full and exciting life.  There are ones of them that are married (maybe a few times) and have kids and you envy them, but there are days they wish they had your life.  Remember that if you were married right now, and had kids, you would have never finished school (lets face it, you know you) or gone on that amazing cruise, or met those wonderful girls you live with now.  You really knew how to have fun, and once you were healed, you lived an amazing life.   You totally showed courage and strength and so many people truely admired that.

You may not be in the best health, and scared to go back to the doctors for fear of what they will say.  You have to do it, its the only way you can truely live a full life.  Let them figure it out and get on the road to feeling better.  You deserve that, your friends and family deserve it too.  They worry A LOT!

Above all things, Amanda, try harder to make you happy and worry less about every one else.  They can take care of themselves.  You need to take care of #1 for a change.  Its the only way you will ever be completely happy again.

You will get through all of this.  You really will.

Love,

Amanda

Healing

So I won't lie, I miss having someone to say goodnight to and sleep in the same bed with. This part of single really sucks. I miss the companionship of it all. Sometimes I reach over to the otherwise of the bed and then it hits me I'm still alone. I wonder when there will ever be another person there.
My best guy friend tells me, frequently, to move on and try new things. Ken gets it. He's been there too. It sucks. He knows things I have barely told anyone about why this hurts so much. I swear the next person to chastise me for not being over it, may just end up with a black eye.
This has been 4 if the hardest months in my life and I really have barely scratched the surface when it comes to revealing what happened. I know I deserve more and better, but I am sick of hearing it. It hurts me more and no one else has to feel my pain but me.
I am moving on, but when you shared that kind of connection with someone it doesn't just fade. Please forgive my need to heal at my own pace. It's the only way I know how to do it.

While I'm At It...

Dear Dad,

Once upon a time you were fantastic.  You were a great dad.  Then I grew up and you lost interest or what ever.  Its like more and more I became just this kid you managed to donate sperm for.  Yes we all now call you Dennis or the sperm donor.  Its rare that any of us refer to you as dad.  Contrary to your own belief, YOU caused this. 

I always defended you, made excuses for your actions.  I paid your child support when you were being spiteful.  I put up with the crap you said about my mother, even let you convince me that she got remarried because she didnt love us.  I learned real fast what a load of crap that was, even that I got a better dad out of the deal with her new husband. 

Then Hope graduated and you turned away from us all.  You moved away and became mean and hateful to a new level.  The day you told me I was dead to you, that the wrong one of your children was dead, that is the day I was finally done.  Who says that to their own child?  It hurt me so much to see those words.  You didnt even have the nerve to call me and say it to me, no you emailed it.  These words were so painful and so scaring.  You have no idea the trust issues I have all due to your actions.

For years I thought that if I was good you would change.  If I did something right, you would love me.  Then randomly you would and still do send me these emails saying you love me and miss me.  Me?  The child you said was dead  to you!!!  Are you serious.  The last time you did this I was sitting with my heart breaking in Washington, DC.   You had no idea and couldnt have known, that I was breaking but it just magnified everything.  The one thing I never wanted him to see was me cry.  Thanks alot you made sure that happened.  He didnt understand.  He was confused that one simple line from my "father" could evoke that response. 

I dont trust any men thanks to your treatment of your children and your exwife.  I remember calling you when I was in high school and a woman answering your phone, you were still married to my mother!  Then you wondered why I wouldnt take the call when you called me back, you even admitted she wasnt a coworker.  Then I found out, when we worked together, that these were normal occurrance when you would be away on jobs.  Wow.  I looked up to you.  You taught me right from wrong, but you didnt know how to follow your own instruction.  What an example you were.

Its taken me  years to come to terms with the fact that I do love you, I love the person I knew until you changed.  I love the memories.  I dont love who you have changed into.  I dont support nor agree with the choices you have made and tried so hard to impress upon us, your children who loved you so blindly and unconditionally.  We were all willing to accept who you wanted to be, who you were becoming, but you werent happy with just that.  No you needed us to share your changes with the world when we werent comfortable with letting anyone else in on that.  You have no idea how the world would treat us.  You dont care.  I cant do it. 

As for me, I will live my daily life.  The day you die will kill me.  I will take it hard, I know I will.  Once upon a time you and I were thicker than thieves.  You chose to make that end.  Not me.  I fought hard to keep your presence in my life.  I forgave and forgave.  But from now on, please remember you made all these decisions that led to this and leave me be.  Pretend I am just as dead as you so boldly pronounced me to be.  I cant live with the hurt and grief any longer. 

I will forever cherish the love you once showed me, just dont ask me to deal anymore with your craziness. 

Sincerely,
Your Daughter, Only by DNA, Amanda

A letter, if you care. But you will never know its here.

I should have written this letter ages ago.  Maybe if I put it out there now I will begin to finally heal.  I did this a while ago when I got hurt, even though I never sent it to that person I believe just saying it all helped. So here goes.

When I met you I never expected that my heart would attach itself to you so completely.  Yet It did.  I knew the minute I met you that you were different and special.  I just had no idea the things that were in store.  Had I known everything that would happen, the way I would feel, and the way it would end...  I probably would have not carried on the entire thing.  However, in those few months, I gained so much confidence and happiness that I had never before had, I know that I would have still done it all.

Those few days we got together werent perfect, but there are those moments I would not trade for the world.  Theres one day in particular that I cry thinking about sometimes.  I gained so much from just existing in your world.  Theres nothing in this world I wouldnt give to have that feeling again.  No one understands why I dont hate or get mad at you.  I will admit theres things that bother me about it, but I understand more than I would like to. 

I know about her.  I hope you are happy.  Though I have to admit, I feel like I got replaced because you couldnt handle your personal life.  I must say what a load of bull.  Or thats how it feels.  You couldnt handle your feelings but with in a week and a half there she was.  Yeah right.  Does that bother me?  HELL YES. 

You once told me that you wanted to take care of me.  I will admit I know now that when you told me that I fell hard.  I just had no idea how hard until that day you kissed me.  I had no idea that I would care that much about some one.  It was easy to tell myself the feelings werent real as long as I was safe in my part of the country and you in yours.  I unfortunately came to adore my morning text, the random I miss you's, and the good night wishes.  I lived for the calls and the sweet voicemails.  I loved how you would randomly send me a picture of yourself just doing what you do.  When you told me I was beautiful I was crazy and I believed it all.  There was nothing you said to me that did not make my heart flutter.  Looking back, shame on me.  Yet I am not mad at you.  I blame my own need for that feeling I had never been given. 

If you think for one minute this is easy for me to write to you, you are so wrong.  That morning when you left, before I left, you said you were glad you got to see me.  I wish I had said something.  But your mind was made up and well lets face it I made it easy for the most part for you to walk out and live your life like I never existed.  Thats exactly how it feels you know.  Its like I got home and we never were anything.  After all those months of opening up to each other and getting to know the most personal things about each other, counted for nothing.  The only evidence left, the gigantic hole that obviously was only left in me. 

You know what hurts the most?  My sister.  I let you talk to my sister.  I opened up enough to let her talk to you.  What do I find out months later?  That you told her how much you cared for me.  That on one night she told you she was worried about my trip and you told her that you would never hurt me because you loved me.  Really?  Why is it that you had no problem lying to my sister, cause I will be honest, Im not sure I believe I was ever loved.  If I was loved, there would never have been another girl so damned fast. 

I will be honest, cause if I cant be honest when you arent reading this, when can I be?  I feel like I got sick and you pulled away.  Why is it that you can put your life on the line for the military but feelings, illness scares you?  Yes I do honestly believe that.  Why?  Why did I get drug along for nothing?  How is it that I spend all these sleepless nights just wishing I could hear you breathe next to me, but I know you have her to fill that space.  Yet I get it.  I wasnt enough, I couldnt promise you health, let alone time. 

Do you know I turned down an amazing job, not once, but three times, since I have been home.  I turned it down cause they wanted me in the DC area.  I turned it down because I know that seeing you with her will kill me.  I unfortunately cant get rid of the emotion I felt for you.  Hell still feel for you and I HATE IT.   Do you have any idea how hard it is to love some one you know is living a life that makes no difference if you are in it or not?  I spend my time wondering how different these last few months would have been if I had no heart at all.  At this point mine is wounded enough it may never care again.

Do I blame you for any of this?  No.  To be completely honest I wish you a life full of happines, cause no one should go through the things you have had to in this life.  I hope you find true love and are treated well.  I hope you get all this world can offer plus some.  I hope one day you will think of me and smile knowing that at some point you made a difference in a girls life, that you didnt realize you made. 

Sincerely,
Amanda

The New Me

Well today I made a big step.  I took down one of the two remaining pictures.  I replaced it with one of me and my beloved Elyssa.  I need to print out more pictures, but we move next week...  So I havent yet. 

My friend Ken says I should burn every picture I have.  I wont do that though.  Whats the point.  I would still remember every thing, who needs pictures when they can access my memories? 

I decided I will NEVER allow myself to sit around and cry over a man again, not over one who moved on so damn fast anyways.   I am, from this point on, going to be the epitome of strong.  If no one else sees it, I DONT GIVE A SHIT!  I will prove once and for all, to myself, that I can do this and be happy.  I dont need any man to make me happy.  I have my girls.  Thats all I need. 

I may never get married, or have children, but damn it I will make other things happen in my own way.  Just today one of my best friends and biggest supporters had a baby, which I am already in love with from half way across the country.  I can love her babies and all my other friends kids.  God will show me my path.  I may not agree with him all the time but I will follow where he leads me.

Now lets see how long this new found strength lasts!

Thoughts

So I was sitting at my desk today, when I realized, through the incessant hold music at a DC hotel, that I was smiling.  Should I have been, probably not.  Know what was going through my head?  My first day in DC 4 months ago.  I was thinking about how when I walked around the bend in the airport, this beautiful man practically jumped out of his chair to meet me at the first "safe" point!  I was thinking about how it felt for him to hug me, hold me and how the smile on his face looked.  I sat there thinking about how we walked through the airport hand in hand, laughing trying to convince my best friend that he did not meet me at the airport...

Thinking about that first kiss.  How he smiled at me when he touched my face.  How there was complete electricity every time this man touched me.  I swear he would look over at me and smile, like a teenager who got some present he always wanted.  I felt so cherished, so free.

I sat there thinking about how excited he got over little things, showing me his world.  How his eyes lit up when I told him he was sexy. Yeah that is nerdy.  I swear the way he wrapped his arm around me while we watched that video, and would nudge me so that I would look up at him so he could kiss me again, it was like a dream for me had come true. 

I remember how we laid on the bed and talked and snuggled up together and he just laid there running his finger up and down the side of my arm and playing with my hair.  It felt so natural to lay there with him and just be together.   He would get up and put his hand out to pull me off the bed and I would act like I was gonna get up and pull him back down. 

Then we went out and he immediately grabbed my hand.  He would lead me every where and if I managed to be behind him, he would reach behind me to grab my hand and keep me close. 

So I guess all day this stuff was on my  mind and I did every thing I could to keep my mind from wandering back to that perfect day.  It did not work, but I tried.  If it wasnt for my sista from another mista, Tasha, I would have gone nuts today.  I love that chick. 

Some one else pointed one thing out to me, I only still care cause when it comes down to it, we never really had a resolution.  I left and we resumed life with out each other.  So maybe this is why my heart will just not  let go, it got zero closure...

Someone Should Write a How To Book...

So I realized last night as I lay in bed, I just dont know how to be single.  I mean really since I started this blog I havent spent more than 6 months alone.  Maybe this is the problem.  I just dont know who I am as a single person.   Yes, I am starting to learn more about me, who I am with out an attachment.  

Seriously some one should write the how to book on being single...  I, for one, would buy it.  I mean how do you do it?  How do women, hell men too, live the single life and be happy?  If you can answer this I will kiss you!  I'm not even close to playing. 

I mean I guess in a way I didnt know how to breathe without a man telling me what to do, who to be, having some kind of ridiculously high expectation of me.  Really!!!  Shouldnt I be the one setting those standards and if HE doesnt like it he can suck it.  Yes I know thats vulgar to say, but seriously, if you spent any time around me you would realize that is who I am. 

I spent too much time grieving, or as I keep getting told, not grieving, over a man who just quit talking after convincing me to spend alot of money to fly half way across the country to see him.  How did I come away from that one?  Broken.  Emotionally broken.  His fault?  No.  Completely mine.  Why?  Because, again, I dont know how to be single. 

So my goal now is to be single, maybe date, then live it up.  Hell screw that, I'm gonna be "the man" and play the field like you have never seen before.  Naturally, this requires me not wanting to hurl the second a man touches me.  Yeah like that guy I went on the date with on Valentines day.  I swear this man would not quit touching me.  I wanted to slap him, at one point he got up and went to the restroom and I considered running for the door...  The bartender even made the comment that I couldnt have put off more, DONT TOUCH ME vibes! 

I have avoided every date I have been asked on, not gonna lie, I just havent felt ready and I have this annoying knack of making people fall in love with me.  The last thing I have needed or wanted was some love sick man freaking following me around or texting me at all hours of the night and day.  Yeah, see its behaviour like this that makes me say I am so more a man than a girl sometimes.  I manage to totally charm them, then when I show my true colors they think its cute! Are you serious???  What is attractive about a woman who yells "suck my dick" at her roommates?  This is who I am. 

So I am serious when I say, some one should write a how to book on being single!  I promise they would be a millionaire!  I would do it, but well, I dont know how to so I cant write a book about how to do anything!!!

No Matter Where My Reckless Soul Takes Me...

We all have our flaws, we all have our regrets. I guess the question is, how do you deal with them, before they deal with you? I personally get scared when people get too close. I have a hard time trusting anyone. I have a very tough time telling people I love them. Once in my inner circle though, I tend to hang on to them for as long as they will keep me. I have this huge flaw. I allow people to walk on me, I dont like confrontation and will generally do just about anything to avoid it. I go out of my way to make other people happy, to see a smile on my friends and families faces. Some of them, yes, will return that as well. When I decide I love some one, no distance is too far, no cost too great. I put everything into it. No one else matters. I guess that is a flaw too, to some extent. I am blessed to have so many wonderful people around me, who love me and support me regardless of the situation given to me. These girls I live with, my mom, my stepdad, my sister, they all support me, even if they dont agree with my decions. They save me daily. With out knowing it they keep me level.

The One, Do They Really Exist?

How many of us have fallen hard, once, twice, ok admit it, a few times? I mean really fell, you thought that person was the end of it all for you. Lets face it, as women, we tend to fall easier than the men do. At least this has been my experience, either personally or through the ones I love. So what do you think? Does "the one" really exist? How do you know when you have actually found him/her? Some one once told me you would just know. Ok well I did just know, twice. So where the hell is my heart going wrong, cause well I dont fall easy and I generally dont buy into the pretty words or bull. I am hard on people, I dont trust easy. So when that "one" jumped over my, hard to climb, walls, I was shocked and even a little scared. I guess that last statement raises yet another question, if i was scared, why did I "just know" he was it? Well all I knew at that time was he was my best friend, I had a relationship with this man that rivaled any other one I had in my life at that time. All I knew was he was the first and last thing on my mind every day and he was constantly on my mind all day. I could tell you every detail of every time we were together. I knew him like the back of my hand. I could tell you every bad habit, his reputation, but also the man I knew that no one else knew. I knew the things about him that would have shocked other people, the front he put up for everyone else was not the man I got. Yet we werent together. We were the best of friends who made a terrible mistake. We got too close then he got married. To this day he swears hes the happiest man in the world, but he cant look me in the eye and say that. Why? Cause he still cant lie to me. Then there was this last one. With in minutes of meeting this beautiful man, I told my friend Elyssa, "I need to stay away from that one. I have a feeling if I dont that I will be too far gone to look at any one else, ever again." I knew. I just knew, from the very moment I met him. It had nothing to do with his physical appearance, though that was beautiful. It was just this crazy connection I felt to him. I looked him in the eye and before he even told me his name I knew him. Its like I knew exactly who he was and what he was meant for. I spent an entire week watching him but avoiding running into him. If you read this blog, well you know the rest of this story, so I wont go into the Amanda/Kevin saga of stupid. So I ask you, again, what is your thoughts? Does that "One True Love" really exist, for every one?

and the greatest of these things is love...

Tonight I sat down for a talk with God. I picked up my Bible and closed my eyes, "speak to me, tell me what i need to know." Thats all I said. I kept my eyes closed and opened it to this.

1 Corinthians 13: 1-13 The most significant book in the Bible, if you ask me, to lead you to how to love some one the right way. So here it is:

1 And now i will show you the most excellent way. If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal. 2 If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 If I give all I possess to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
4 Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5 It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7 It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8 Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. 9 For we know in part and we prophecy in part, 10 but when the perfection comes, the imperfect disappears. 11 When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. 12 Now we see but a poor reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.
13 And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

Now if I could just let myself love some one completely and let go of all my pain. I have been praying for all the pain to end. I have been praying for my heart to stop hurting so much, for the love to just disappear. I think though that Kevin was and is still in my heart because he was meant to be there. God has a perfect plan. Maybe for Kevin and I it was not forever, but love for me will never fade. Its too great a force. Now I have to learn to live with that.

So Many Things to Say

So here it is about 7 weeks later. I have had a few good days, a lot of bad days. Some of those days in the middle of the fence. So heres whats going on health wise.

My EEG came back normal, with one exception. It showed a slowing of the left temporal lobe. For any one who is not saavy on what that means, this is the section of the brain that controls facial movement and recognition. Because of this, we set up an MRI.

Before the MRI, I also had an Echocardiogram. Totally cool to watch. Learned at this point that I am allergic to sonogram gel. That was kind of interesting. This came back with nothing of concern. What ever that means.

After that was the MRI, if you havent had one you are lucky! All I can say is if I you are closterphobic, its the most unnerving experience in the world! My doctor called me with results 5 days later, his words were, "Well Miss Moore, you have a beautiful brain." Ha. So nothing there.

So in the mean time we have done lots of research on the symptoms that I have been experiencing for the last two months. So now we will be running more tests to see if we can figure out why I am still having the problems. These days it doesnt take much more than grocery shopping to wear me out completely. My poor roommates joke that I went from young to old in 8 weeks. I think they may have a point. I love them.

In the mean time we have a few ideas on things to check. So far the most likely culprit, because I match the symptoms to a T, is an autoimmune disease called Addison's Disease. If you want to look it up the Mayo Clinic has the most comprehensive, easy to read information. Luckily it is highly treatable, but I still need several rounds of tests specifically to find out if that is what this is. Its just an idea, but like I said I match its symptoms just about 100%. So its the next thing Dr Sundell wants to look into.

Its nice to know that the Drs are not just brushing this off and we will get an answer. So other than being tired and dizzy all the time, I am doing much better.

As for my heart. My emotional status. Its still in his hands. I havent heard his voice in weeks. I miss him so much I hurt. I can see his face everytime I close my eyes. I have that same terrible recurring dream, over and over.

I feel as if there is a huge hole in my heart. Its amazing how I wore a smile for all those months, just to be a constant frowning fool. I just wish it was so different.

So Amanda, How's your heart lately?

I get asked this and a whole list of the how am I questions every day. Truth is I dont have a lot of positive to say.

Truthfully the doctors have run so many tests. I had an EEG, which showed a slowing of the left temporal lobe. This led to the MRI, which by the way is like laying in a freaking coffin. That came out perfect. I had an Echo Cardiogram, that came back perfect. I wore a portable heart monitor for a little over two weeks, supposed to be a month, but I developed a nasty allergic reaction to the gel on the electrode things. Yay me! So now we wait for those results. If nothing comes back my neurologist is running more tests. At least they arent accepting that this is happening for no reason.

As for my heart. I feel like there is a giant hole in it. The life is sucked out of it daily. I am pathetically in love with a man who has nothing to say. My sister informed me last night he had told her how much he cared for me, wanted to take care of me and couldn't wait to be with me. So It just leaves me feeling empty again. I miss him more than I can imagine. Yep hes dating some girl. But it started just about two weeks or so ago. Shes beautiful. My God shes beautiful. It makes me think, wow why cant that be me?

Im stupid. I keep thinking that I will be fine that he will realize that he misses me and call. Ok now you know how pathetic I am.

3 Doors Down - Here Without You

Since I Have Been Home

Life has kind of sucked. Two days after I got home I self medicated. I got my room mates to take me out and get me just a little way too drunk. I felt the need to be numb, apparently he did too cause He revealed to my Megan that he was doing the same. I just kept wishing that we would talk and be just like we used to be. I hated it. The next day I was in hangover hell. But I still remained quiet. I have done my best to do exactly what I vowed I would. I have left him alone for the most part. Other than letting him know the outcomes of doctor visits so that he didnt find out through Emily. Lets face it I fell in love. I wasnt really prepared for that.

So since I have been home I am now on 4 doctors visits, and have yet another on Tuesday. Last week Tuesday I had a trip to the doctor, he ran all sorts of blood tests and well it was my regular yearly visit so it was a good trip too. He was concerned when I told him about the black outs and convulsions. So he set me up with a neurologist to see what he thought. So that afternoon I was on to that. Sure enough he ran some tests was concerned and set me up for an EEG on Thursday morning. Yeah that sucked. I had to sleep for part of it, which was not fun, cause they hook all kinds of these probes to my head, I then went to sleep and they watched my brain waves. After that they woke me up had me look at strobe lights and then they had me hyperventilate so that they could watch that. it sucked! Thursday afternoon I was to the Cardiologist, this one courtesy of the Neurologist. He did some questioning that felt like an interrogation. He then took an EKG and blood pressure for like the 9th time in three days. He ordered a heart monitor and then set up and ECG for next week. Yay!

For the moment the culprit in question is that they believe I may be getting a drop in blood pressure causing all this. But they want to look and make sure that I have no defects or anything else. Hence the ECG. I am so sick of being the lab rat! I hate this. I should have the EEG results some time on Tuesday. I am not excited about that but I am nervous to see how they come out. At the very beginning of the EEG I started to have the symptoms of the black outs. But laying there with my eyes closed seemed to help so it didn't last long and didn't complete. So hopefully they will see something of value in it.

So theres the rest of the story for now. I will write more later. As all of this has progressed I am even more stressed and even more tired. I am ready to be well again. I have never felt more alone.