So over the last 7 months I have prayed, I have cried, I have yelled. I have done just about all I can to make myself into a different person. I have cried more in the last 7 months than I have ever in my life. Lets face it starting in January I have gone from one thing to another.
Lets start with The biggest part. My health sucks. I wont allow anyone close to me cause I dont feel its fair to let them near me just to be let down. I rarely make plans cause I end up sick or running a fever or unable to drive cause of the ridiculous dizziness. I feel like a lost a big part of me when this hit its high point in January. Then to top it off I pushed away probably the person I have loved the most in my life. I have gotten better, then worse, then better again. I was out the other night with Nicole when I decided I didnt feel quite right. I didnt even make it past a trash can at the theater before I was sick. This is the kind of thing that I have been dealing with.
Food, cooking, eating. It was always one of my favorite things. Now Im lucky if I go through a single day with out being nauseous. It would be a great thing to be able to smell food with out wanting to run for the nearest restroom. I miss food. Hell yes I still cook. I just dont enjoy it like I once did. I even hate grocery shopping now because I can imagine how the smells of my favorite foods are going to turn my stomach. How sick is that?
I finally moved on from the pain I was feeling daily with my heart. I started seeing some one. Not really I mean just spending time with some one. I enjoy that time. However, I dont intend for anything to come of it, never did. Its just been fun. We understand each other and have told each other about why we are both closed to the idea of anything else with anyone.
Then on the fourth of July I sent a text out to a lot of friends. I didnt mean to, or even realize I did it, but I put Kevin on that list. I wished every one a happy fourth and asked for them to be safe. Around 2130 that night, for the first time in months, my phone rang to the most beautiful voice in the world. He called me. He asked me to forgive him. Just talking to me made him so nervous. I felt bad for him but I knew he had to get it out. We are just friends. That is enough for me. I would rather have him in my life than not have him at all. Some times all you can ask for is a friend. Even if it never happens, if we can never find a way to work other than friends, I have him as a friend.
I know God has a plan. I just wish I understood it. I wish I knew that everything was good. I wish I knew why I have had to go through this. I dont get why I am not healthy, why my heart still screams for a man that I havent been able to have, but I know HE has a plan. Now to move through each day and figure out why.
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