Since this seems to be a good way to get things out...
Dear Amanda,
One day you are gonna look back on all the amazing things you have accomplished and know that you lived a life some people actually wish they had. It may not seem like it right now, but you will see that you have this amazing life and wonderful people in it. You dont give yourself enough credit, you learn lessons the hard way, but you never forget them.
You arent going to look back and see that you were the last of your friends to get married at have children. You will look at it and say "I really lived." You wont look at it and say you reget doing all those things. You will say "wow what a lesson, that changed me for the better."
You will look back on those years you spent with Adam and smile, even though there were bad times, some really great things came out of it. Life dealt you a hand and you bravely took every chance you could in it. You bought a beautiful house, loved a wonderful dog, who always greeted you in the entry way as if you had been gone forever and you were the most important thing in his world. There was so much that you took and made yours against all odds, you just got tired at some point of being the only one to fight those odds and you gave up. There is nothing wrong with that and you did NOT fail. You learned so much from that 5 and a 1/2 years, it was filled with some great things. Never regret that, even if everyone has their opinions on why that ended, only you know the truth. Only you can look and say that may have been how it looked to every one else, but you put on a happy act for years before giving up.
For a while you looked back on those 4 years you waited on Toby. You waited and waited for him to be ready, but you will see that your love for him was more of a need to feel loved and needed. You were never really any of that, but man did those years make you strong. You survived so much hurt. You will always look at kids the right age and wonder what they would be like today. There will always be that bond on your heart, though you never met them. They never had a chance, but looking back you will know that it was for the best that they were not meant to be at that point in your life. This only made you stronger, no matter how much it hurt you.
You showed so much courage by taking that trip to DC. You had a hard time with that decision after the fact. You got your heart broke, but you were strong. You took your time to heal, but this showed you that there are great guys out there, who can treat you right. You learned so much just be being there with him. It may have taken a really long time for you to stop beating yourself up, and crying at night, wondering if you did something wrong, but you will never regret those days even if you wanted to for a while. You got such a wonderful gift of a time filled with so much happiness just by having met that man, that you cant look back and not smile at the months that led up to that trip, even if you wish it had turned out differently. You are a better person for having known him for that short time, no matter who tried to tell you otherwise. No one else knows what was in your heart.
Do not ever let anyone tell you that your feelings are not valid, or you have no right to feel a certain way. Those people will never be able to feel any of what you are feeling and no one will ever completely understand how you are dealing with things, but it is important you complete those cycles of happiness and loss, grief and sorrow, in your own unique way or you will never heal or learn from any of them. Remember that no matter how hard things get, God wont give you any challenge that he doesnt trust you to be able to handle, even if you wish sometimes he didnt trust you so much.
Dont hide from your friends and family. Let them be there for you, you would be suprised at how much they worry and wish you would let them in. You are learning this, again the hard way. Remember that you have an amazing ability to listen to others and give advice, so maybe just maybe they would love to do the same for you. You dont have to go through all the dark times in your life alone. You may feel like theres no way you will pull through, but you arent alone and you will get through every situation just a little bit stronger than the last.
Remember that on the road to happiness, there will be twists, turns and potholes. Those are all there to make you a better person. You will one day be that perfect girl for some wonderful man, who sees you as just that, perfect, even though you are no where close to that. You will look him in the eye and wonder, why does this man love you? But you will realize, that it doesnt matter, the only thing in life that matters is that hes there and that you two some how complete each other. So stop stressing! He will come along.
I know that right now every one says they are sorry when you tell them that you are single, but dont be. You are living a full and exciting life. There are ones of them that are married (maybe a few times) and have kids and you envy them, but there are days they wish they had your life. Remember that if you were married right now, and had kids, you would have never finished school (lets face it, you know you) or gone on that amazing cruise, or met those wonderful girls you live with now. You really knew how to have fun, and once you were healed, you lived an amazing life. You totally showed courage and strength and so many people truely admired that.
You may not be in the best health, and scared to go back to the doctors for fear of what they will say. You have to do it, its the only way you can truely live a full life. Let them figure it out and get on the road to feeling better. You deserve that, your friends and family deserve it too. They worry A LOT!
Above all things, Amanda, try harder to make you happy and worry less about every one else. They can take care of themselves. You need to take care of #1 for a change. Its the only way you will ever be completely happy again.
You will get through all of this. You really will.
Love,
Amanda
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