Left behind in the game called life...

Ever sit around and wonder where you lost your way? I do that sometimes. I love the life I have now, but I remember having goals, plans, dreams. Where did they all go?? Some where along the way they got lost.
When I was 17-18 I wanted to be in the Airforce. I wanted to contribute to my country, and see the world. I wanted to do it all on my own. I was fearless.
Then, and I think this is where I lost my way, I met him. He made me think that I wanted something else. Really all he did was control me for 4 years and make me lose that sense of self. Then night he left, I fell apart. I didnt know who I was as a single person. I had long since stopped being able to identify who I was. If you look back the the origins of this blog, thats where it all began. I was a mess.
Now I have, not only, not accomplished the things I wanted then, but they are out of the question. I see all my friends (and my sister) getting married, having babies, and having lives. As far as I can see thats not happening for me. I have a beautiful boyfriend, whom I love dearly, but wonder if he will ever be ready to take that step into the realm of forever. For the first time in my life I really want all those things my friends, and sister, are getting. Why is it that I do indeed feel like I have been left behind?
I mean I practically foam at the mouth when some one shows me their engagement ring, or their happy lives. I just want that. I always told my family I would never get married, at that point I wanted a bigger than life carreer, like maybe the FBI or CIA or carreer military. Then I decided I wanted to go to Police Academy. None of that happened. Then for four years I had a boyfriend who had every woman on the side that you can imagine, and I didnt know about it til after the fact. He had everyone convinced that he was the best thing in the world. But really all he was doing was hurting me the whole time.
Now that I finally have some one I trust, why cant I just be happy living with him, seeing him every day, waking up with him in the morning? Why do I feel so jealous that every one else is getting married? Why do I want that now, when I never really wanted it before?
Why do I feel like super bitch when I mention this to him. Though he really takes it all so well and in stride. He never gets weirded out or walks away when I start freakin myself out. Why cant i just be happy, being.....
Why do I feel so left behind????
PS Im sorry if this sounded whiny. Some times I get depressed and todays been my day.

Africam

Ever wondered what it would be like to be able to watch the wildlife in Africa, with out being seen by the animals? Well if you have, then you should check out this site, www.Africam.com, click on the Nkorho Stream link and watch the animals! Its centered around a watering hole in a reserve in Africa. There is no telling what all you can see at any given time! It is totally live, I am hooked. A friend of mine posted it in her blog, and it donned on me, I have been adicted to this site for a while, why havent I shared it?? Ive seen giraffes, monkeys, zebra, wildebeast, deer, antelope, various birds, rabbits, and much more! Yes it can be slow, but I swear Im hooked! Get hooked with me, or I should say us!

Activities for Today

So I had alot on my plate today, but it really was like a few things to do. I had to go to school this morning, which only turned into a 45 minute endeavor. We had a Government Midterm. Mr. Nich allowed us a 5x8 index card (i think thats the size) to have notes to use on the test. Let me tell you, I had about 10 pages of notes on the front and back of that card. I wrote soooo small. But I had every single answer on it. It only took me 30 minutes of our 2 hours to do the test. My teacher said I had teriffic notes! I am so excited. I know I would have blanked out with out the note card. I am glad he let us do that.
On to the next topic. I also had to go get my title switched to my name on my truck! That took me forever because, I went home to get my insurance card out of my truck ( I was in Adams car). Well it turns out my card had expired, like two days ago. So I had to go track down my insurance guy. Well Larry was at lunch, so we had to kind of hurry up and wait. We went to try to find something appealing to eat, with no luck since we couldnt agree on anything. Well finally we got a copy of my insurance card, and set off to the DOT. Got to the office, it had moved. So we ended up driving to the new one. Once I got there it took 35 minutes, but the truck is now officially mine!! Exciting stuff!
Well for about 3 weeks I have put of doing the mountain of laundry in my bedroom, bathroom and living room. Ok so there was a whole range of laundry mountains in my apartment. But by 1730 this afternoon, I had it all done! Now I just need to get off my lazy butt tomarrow and vaccuum and dust and all that nifty stuff. I try to get all that done once a week, but with all the excitment healthwise, and my baby sister home, it hasnt gotten done in like 3 weeks. So Ive been lazy, Shoot me.
Now I am at work until 0230 in the morning. Whoopie!

This week! All the bruises!

Well what can I say? Its been a pretty good week. My baby sister, the munchkin, AKA Hope, has been home. She leaves again for her base in North Carolina on Sunday. But I am glad she was able to come home! Gosh its been good to see her.
Tuesday we went to the SAC (strategic air command) museum just our side of Lincoln. That was alot of fun. I couldnt stop walking into things. Literally! You know those waist high, lamp posts? I walked smack into one, Hope just died laughing. She was rolling on the ground cracking up, to which my mom checks to see if shes ok, but Im the one that did it! Then inside the museum, I start looking at planes, I walked head first into one of the wings! Hello stupid pay attention. Last but not least, for the day, I went to put my bag around my shoulder, and smacked my lip with my cell phone! So it was a great day with many bruises.
Today I was at moms, we were working on Fried Green Tomatoes, and I ran smooth into moms foot stool. I now have a huge bruise on my right knee! Go me! My boyfriend, Adam, now thinks I beat myself! Haha!
Thank the good Lord I am stuck in classrooms for 5 hours tomarrow. You cant hurt yourself sitting down now can you???? If you can, then I am in the running for the klutz queen title previously held by mom! Oh yeah and I smacked my head super hard on my truck door getting out of it to go to class on Wednesday! I am so damn good!!!!
Have I ever mentioned that my mom isnt the kiss my wounds kinda woman. She just tells me to put some ice on it, no kiss is gonna help it! No matter how many times I put it in her face, I have to deal with it! Haha! She makes me laugh!

Updates on Bridezilla

Well, yesterday my sister, Lisa, calls. She demands that Hope, my other sister, put her on speaker phone. Then she makes the announcement.... "Mom, congratulations your gonna be a grandma!" Ok they arent even married yet! They are supposed to be getting married in April. Well, theres nothing that looks worse than a waaaaay pregnant woman in a WHITE wedding gown. She practically needs to get married like next month in order to pull it off! Ok Im not a crazy bible-thumping Christian, but I do believe in marriage first. Yep I admit I was pregnant at 19, it ended badly. I have no kids, but when she found out about it, after the miscarriage, she spouted the impurities of my act to every one that would listen!
My lovely sister is the kind of person who only wants to be pregnant for the attention and is way self absorbed. Before I get any hate mail, I do love my sister! I am just upset because Lisa is already trying to find ways to make us feel sorry for her. Wanting us to feel obligated to spend more money on her.
Personally I just think she should go ahead and elope! If she still wants a big reception, we can do that! Do it after the baby is born. That way we can see her, have her party and see the new baby. I think that would be great!

Random Acts of Craziness....

As I previously posted, I have an older sister that is getting married for the second time. Now dont get me wrong, I love my sister, but she is driving us all insane. First off she is demanding that we spend upwards of a 100 dollars a peice to buy our brides maid dresses. My mother is a wonderful seemstress, and personally I have never donned a dress that she didnt make. Not one for a formal affair. She prides herself on making beautiful dresses. I dont feel that I should have to spend this kind of money on a dress that my mother can make for around 40 dollars. I hate how that is hurting my mom. She is truely hurt by Lisa's firm resistance to having her make our dresses. So heres some of the things that have crossed my mind on what I just may do with this dress or even better during the course of her weekend!
1. After the wedding is complete, have a bon fire in my mothers back yard. Burn the dress and do a ritualistic fertility dance around the fire, hopefully my rather selfish sister has multiple births! ( I really do love childeren, shes just very selfish!)
2. Wear a sign that says I'm too good for this at her rehearsal. (Yep I have already found a hat with Happy Bunny on it that says this) This was my mother's idea.
3. Let my mother make the dress anyways! Shes super talented! Besides I have to spend a ton of money just to be at the wedding, let alone in it!
4. Put a frog in her bridal bouquet! (shes scared of them, but i know my mother would shoot me)

Ok yes Im being a big kid! I just am going nuts! But hell its fun to think up stuff to do to her royal highness! Its always been fun to think up stuff to do to her. In all honesty though, I will never do anything to take away from the happiness of her day. I really do hope that she has all the happiness and luck possible. I just cant wait for it to be done though! I have to deal with Bridezilla until April! Pray for me!

Well I talked to the Dr.'s office. Stupid nurse just didnt read my whole chart before she called. Turned out that nothing else was wrong. Thank God! She wanted to know if I wanted to have a surgical procedure to remove the cyst. I had already said no, which was in my chart, along with that I had made a follow up appointment for March. Nurse kept asking me all the questions, I asked her flat out if she had read my chart. She put me on hold, then came back and apologized for the inconveince. No big deal, I just felt like I had be alarmed for no reason.
Dont get me wrong, Id rather it be no reason, but I spent all night worried, barely slept. All that because I was afraid there was something terribly wrong with me. Next time I wont freak out so easy! Good news is that I am healthy! Yay me!!!!

I created a Slide Show! Check it out!

Results, News

Well I went to the doctor for my sonogram for the lump. Every thing turned out to be fine, have to go back in a few months. That appointment is to check and make sure that everything is the same. So that was relieving!
However, today the doctor called my mom to tell me that I needed to come back. Apparently there was something wrong with one of my tests. They said that I would only get a call back if something was wrong, otherwise I would recieve a letter in the mail to let me know everything was fine.
This is a little scary. I have to call the nurse back tomarrow to find out what is going on. I am really worried now. I finally got over the whole episode of holding my breath over the breast exam. I am just kinda a little scared.

Nervousness and honesty

Well I went to the doctor on Tuesday morning. Annual check up, you know the one every woman hates going to. I mean after all it is no fun to put your foot up in the stir ups and let some one look at and feel you. I know its all to make sure you are healthy, but I hate going. This doctor is quite nice, and I was very comfortable with him. He explained every thing to me, and took the time to answer any and all of my questions. After my breast exam, he did recomend further testing. I agree. I have put it off long enough.
Friday morning, I have yet another doctors appointment. Dr Bassett wont be with me, but if they find something solid then I will then have to go discuss further treatment. Basically on a woman my age, a mammogram is not the most reliable test. So I am going in for a sonogram, much like a woman has during pregnancy. Only difference is that it is on my breast. I am assured that it doesnt hurt, or cause discomfort. So I am not really worried about that. I am worried at the outcome. I have decided to go at this test alone. I am not going to take any one with me for support. I need to face this on my own, i think.
I am told that if it is solid then I need to worry. If it isnt then I will be fine. Im praying for fibrous, since thats the one thats not bad. I have put this testing off for more than a year. The first lump we found I was 19 so i do have a history of lumps, just never went far enough to have anything done about them. After all women my age just dont get breast cancer, and thats a load of shit. Its just not common.
Cancer is like an ugly four lettered word no one wants to think of or utter. I believe I will be fine. I believe that this is nothing more than my own mind psyching me out, I will be fine. I will go into that doctors office and get that sonogram, they will tell me that I have no solid cyst, and I will walk out ready to celebrate(sit in class for 4 hours actually). Anyone else think that I am crazy?

Hodgepodge of things.

Ok so the other day I was absolutely overwhelmed with my sisters wedding. Yeah I admit Im a bitch just a little, but shes crazy. I do love my sister, Lisa, but it turns out the whole family is kind of feeling like shes overstepping her boundaries, and asking too much of us. I personally just feel like the pressured one, I havent been in a position that a man loved me enough to propose. I get a million questions every time I am around my extended family about why I am not married yet. Makes me feel a little like the preverbial old maid. Thats right, old maid, this at 24!

So onto better things, Im sure you will be hearing so much more about this shit in future blogs, so why bother you tonight! Im in school again for the quarter, taking World Civ I and American Government and Politics. Both classes are boring me like crazy, but hey thats life right? I dont know, Govt isnt so bad, but Civ sucks. Its four hours of torture every Friday!

On the work front, I am interviewing to become permanent in the position I have been in for more than a year now. I am a total nervous wreck about that. But with any luck I will be fine. But since there are four temps and 4 open spots, with open applications to every one who qualifies, Im going insane! We will just have to pray and see what happens.

I went on "vacation," though I worked during it, a few weeks ago. One of my favorite co-workers and I went to Miami, Florida! Goodness it was pretty there. We had a room over looking Biscayne Bay. It was so nice. We worked about 5 hours on our trip then spent 4 days running around, shopping, going to the beach, eating (we ate all the time), and things of the such. We had a really good time! Vicki and I took a tour of Star Island, this is an island that all these celebrities live on. It is really beautiful. We even got to see Will Smith and his family in their home! Totally cool! Vicki and I toured our reservation center there, it was so little! But it was nice. We got to see our former boss, Nick. It was fun to see him and go to see where it is that he is working, living and hanging out these days. I loved Miami.

In other news, I am going to the doctor in the morning. Yearly check up but who knows what may happen this time. All I know is I am ready to get it over with and its not even happened yet!

I hope to be on and writing more in the future! I am trying! With work, school and every thing that comes up, its been dificult! I miss corresponding with every one! Hope is back from Qatar! She will be home in Omaha on October 9th!!!!! I can not wait to see the munchkin!

My mother and I will be participating in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on October 8, to help raise money for breast cancer research. Any of you who know me, know that I support this cause with every chance I get, I have a connection to the cause. I wear my pink ribbon all year round! If I can impress anything on you, let it be this, check yourself regularly! It can happen to anyone!

always the bridesmaid....

Ever heard that old saying, "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"? That would be me. Why is it that Ive had these super long relationships, and nothing as of yet has ever really materialized? My older sister however, is on her second marriage in the term of these six years of my relationships. Is there something I am doing wrong that the men I have loved and the one I love now, has no interest in a marriage type future?

Im feeling like the eternal bridesmaid at the moment. Lisa, and three of my other friends all got engaged over the last weekend. Im kinda like, ok when is it gonna be my turn. I know that I am gonna be with Adam, but why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like I wanna pull my hair out every time a girlfriend or sister (lisa) flashes their pretty little ring in my face!

I am now dealing with her sending pictures of her trying on wedding gowns! Damnit! I just want to scream:

"YOU CANT HAVE THIS HUGE, CRAZY WEDDING THAT YOU SHOULD ONLY HAVE THE RIGHT TO ON YOUR FIRST WEDDING! YOU ARENT A VIRGIN, DONT WEAR WHITE! YOU CANT MAKE ME BE THE BLUSHING BRIDESMAID AND DAMNIT ITS MY TURN TO GET MARRIED NOT YOURS! THIS IS FREAKING RIDICULOUS!"

But the calm side of me isnt saying it! I just hate that Ive put so much time into being in serious relationships, and each time I get left in the cold. Not that Im not in a great relationship now, I am. I just have to wait and whine and cry, then hopefully one day I will be the one that is getting married. You know that shes so damn happy and she knows how I wish it were me. But it will never really matter because she will always be the one that gets the goods.

I guess I should settle in to the idea that I will always be the bridesmaid, and never be the bride. What really bothers me is that when it is my turn, my family will have already lost the luster of the beautiful ceremony because my sister has beat it in the ground twice!!!!!!! GRRRR!

Good-bye

I think of you every day,
I wonder what would be,
I cant contemplate that your gone,
But I am assured that you are.

I wish I could go back,
Tell you all the secrets I have,
Laugh with you about every thing,
Cry with you in sadness.

I think of how much time we lost,
How we went separate ways, though I never forgot,
You were my friend, unwaivering.

It seems so cruel that you are gone,
Yet I sit here,
I hate how it happend,
But know it was probably just how it was planned.

I wish I could tell you just one more time,
I wish I could talk to you just one more time,
I wish I could go back to those carefree days,
The ones where we would live for ever.

I wish I could tell you just one more time,
That your laughter brightend my days,
Your song lifted my spirits.

You were my sister, my friend,
I wish I had told you,
Good-bye.

I know that sometimes I am hard to be around. I dont know how to deal with myself sometimes. Today started out great. I got home from work, it was even better. But now I sit here contemplating where it went wrong.

Its been a while!

Well its been forever since I logged on! I have had so much going on. Getting ready to start school again for the year. Works been crazy and I am getting ready to move to a new apartment. Adam and I are looking for a house, and we are nuts.
Both of us are doing well in our jobs, and have a great relationship. I hate how sometimes my moods and attitudes can make everything complicated,but some how he ends up hold me up to my abilities.
Hope is still over seas. She is supposed to come home some time soon, but no home date yet. I am sooo ready for her to come home!!!!

Todays thoughts

Hey every one! I havent been on in a while. Things on the home front are going quite well. The munchkin called the other day. She says its hotter than hell in that desert but beautiful. She is in a small country outside of Iraq called Qatar. I dont care how beautiful it is, I want her to be back home. But she is doing her job, and serving her country. What a good kid. I do miss her though!!!
So Adam was in a car accident yesterday. A metal bar deflected off of the truck infront of him smashing that trucks windshield. Then that bar hit his hood, cracking his windshield and then some how bounced around and shattered his driver side window. Amazingly enough he came away with no injuries accept a small cut on his left wrist.
It really scares me to think that with in a blink of an eye he could have been gone. I dont knwo what I would do if something happened to him at this point. I am rather attached to him. He makes up such a major part of who I am right now. He makes me laugh, smile and helps me when I need some one to be there. I love him so much more than I ever thought was possible. Right now, for so many reasons, I am counting my blessings.

shes gone.

well shes gone. my baby sister, hope, left yesterday morning to go to the pit of hell. previous to sharing my thoughts publically, i have confided in only two people about my feelings on this. thank you alexa and eric for such comforting words.
hope is the sister i lovingly refer to as munchkin, for those of you who dont know who i am speaking of. she is only 19 and in the military. now dont think for one minute that i do not believe in what she is doing over there, i do. she believes in the cause she is going to support, thus making the effort being put forth all worth the struggle.
i worry, however, what the outcome will be. as the morning progressed yesterday, she called me at least 4 times. in between our conversations she was busy calling and telling every one else how much she loves them. now we are all praying that those were just like any other conversation, one that she will return to at a later date. for now we just have to wait and pray.
when we hung up the phone yesterday, that final time, i just wanted to cry. shes my munchkin, the kid who crawled in bed with me every night that was humanly possible. the kid who told my boyfriends they would have to move over or get out cause thats her spot on the couch or on the bed. i guess that now i should refer to her as the young lady, rather than the kid. to me though she will always be the kid that made me laugh or cuddled up to me on the nights that she was sick or upset. that kid that i would turn barney on in the bedroom just to run her out of there in the mornings, sure fire way to get her out of bed.
shes my sister, one of my closest confidants and my friend. i dont quite know how to take her not being in a safe place. all i can do is pray that her tour is over fast and she will be shipped home running for us like she has when coming home from everything else. God, please keep that baby safe................

hmm

so now i learn the value of real honest to God love and trust. adam is gone for three weeks to portland, oregon, for work. all of you who know me best, know that i have a slight fault in the way my inner workings are in the area of love when my partner is mia. well, i have a sneaking suspicion that this is God teaching me about trusting.
now dont get me wrong, i completely love and trust adam. its just a hang up of mine that i have these slightly intense feelings about him traveling. i know it is all due to my past relationship and what happend when he was on the road. but, i also have come to realize that adam loves me and wont do the same as the other did.
so heres to three weeks of sitting here by myself. hey who knows maybe the time away from each other will be a good thing. the only thing i do know is im already ready for him to be home again.

Update of me!

Sorry guys that it has taken me so long to write. Finals are this week at school. Last week starting Monday night, I was sick. Yes, I once again foiled Valentines day. Lol Adam went out and had fun while I slept the night away sicker than a dog. Of coarse I told him too. I didnt feel it was right for him to have to sit at home and be bored just because I couldnt go out and play. So I spent several days with a nagging fever and still have that cough. Adam also now has this cough and is sick. I feel so bad that he is ill, it is all because he wanted to stick around and take care of me. He was wonderful. I dont know how I would have made it last week with out him. Its amazing that he didnt get sick until after I was over it all.
But life is fast these days. Hope has a birthday today! Shes gettin so old! But shes still my munchkin sister! I love you HOPE!!
Other than that theres no news. Im ever the same. Love you guys!

Been a while

Sorry guys that its been a few weeks. I have had alot going on. Last week a friend of mine from high school died. I have spent several days keeping it all in. I talked to Anastasia about it and took all my pain out on my sweet boyfriend at home. At points he would be talking and I would just be spaced out and I would not even hear him. Hes taken it all so well. I feel like I have neglected him in my own sorrow.
I have basically only talked to April C and Anastasia about it. I hate that I lost touch with so many people and have been making a very huge effort to connect with the ones I loved. I have sent so many emails to so many people to let them know how much they meant to me at one point and that I hate how long its been that I let that go by.
April told me that she loved me and that she missed me. Cynthia and I have exchanged several I miss you and I love yous. Its amazing how one persons passing makes every one realize who they have missplaced. Ive expressed things to April that I havent expressed to anyone. Thing is in high school we were not that close. She seems to be one of the best friends I could have ever asked for.
Shes proving that to me every day. We sat and wrote each other back and forth for hours the last few days. God I miss her. Eventually we will have to meet up and have a weekend of fun or something. We have already decided that. Shes promised me to make sure that Lisa is well treated and is going out with her this weekend. She feels the way I do right now. Dont just let go of these people. What happens when some one who really made an impression on you dies and you never told them? You begin to feel like I have over Emily's death. It hurts. Dont let that happen to you. Please make sure that the people who you love know exactly how you feel about them. Make sure your friends know exactly how much you love them. It is worth it trust me.

2005 in review

Well this year has been some kind of interesting. Not all good but for the most part. I learned alot this year. But some things were lessons that I could never have learned with out pain.

January
Started out ok. I moved to Omaha to leave the pain behind.
February
My depression set in pretty deep. But I got help. Kristy calls to tell me she is engaged.
March
My Hope came to visit me for Spring Break. She was introduced to a friend of mine online and became responsible for us eventually ending up together. Kristy calls to tell me that shes pregnant.
April
I started working for Marriott. I went on the first date with Adam. Kristy calls to tell me shes married.
May
Yeah it took around5 weeks or so for me to get up the nerve to accept another invite to go out. But I finally did it. Adam is set in my life now. I went back to Texas to see Hope graduate. Boy is she getting old. My grandmother comes home with us to visit.
June
Just about this whole month my life is revolving around work and Adam. Got my first taste of the College World Series. Matt and Hope move home.
July
Hope leaves us to go to the US Air Force. Shes really not a baby anymore. I put in an application for a promotional position at work. I move into my new apartment. Adam tells me that he loves me.
August
I start the month with my nerve racking interview with Nick. About a week later I recieve the news that I will be offered the position. I start end of the month. We all go to San Antonio to see Hope for the first time in what seems like forever. Shes a US Airman now. During the entire trip my feet are swollen like crazy.
September
Kristy finally tells me shes gonna have a girl. Hope starts calling home most nights. Adam's sister got married, I met his dad. Adam and I took a trip to KC sometime this month.
October
Astros make the World Series! Hope comes home for around two weeks. Kristy calls to tell me that theres a new baby girl around.
November
Adam and I took a trip to Chicago. Man that is a beautiful town. Gone to see Dave Matthews Band.
December
Too busy. Shopping, Bills, Parties. Christmas and Christmas Eve held work for me. New years Eve had potential but wasnt what it should have been. I can mess anything up.

I wonder now what will be next. Only the months can tell us.

Christmas

Well we only have a few days now. I am so broke it is ridiculous. I still have to do some shopping too thats the bad part. I have just enough in my bank account to do my rent and my truck. So I am dead broke.
I like the holidays but the expense sucks.

Christmas is only 9 days away. No I am not excited but for the moment I only have to get three more presents. That way I have everyone in my house covered for the stuff we are doing on Christmas Eve. I still need to do something though for Adam's sisters. Other than them I dont have to do much. Just stocking stuffers for Adam.
Next.... One of my favorite people here at work is getting ready to have a baby. She is not due until January 9th. But she is dialated to 3 cm right now. So we could have a kid at any point now. Another lady here was having her baby today. So we are baby happy in this department. Oh I love babies.

blah blah blah

Doesnt the idea of an idiot who thinks they know everything about your job just infuriate you. I am a supervisor at my job and work in several departments. I just had one of our wonderful agents on the line from a location in Florida. He had the rudest jerk at his desk screaming obscenities at him. I would not have let him check in if I were this agent. I would have called the police regardless of his status in membership. I would have also followed that up with a call to member services to report him for the type of language he used. It was just uncalled for. I actually told our agent not to take him and not to take his crap to write down all his information and give that to his manager for further action on this jerk.
I mean come on. If you go to a person's place of work or if you call them to get their help, dont act like an ass. If you do no one wants to help you. Theres nothing I enjoy more than to hang flat up in someone's face when they treat me like crap. I am not on the other end of this phone line for any persons abuse. I am here to give a valuable service to our many guests and agents. So I hate to hear any one act that way to me, my co workers or our fellow agents. Its just uncalled for.
Ok now that I am off of my soapbox. I have completed my English Comp paper. It turned out pretty ok. My friend Seth helped me while we had down time at work. Im hoping it turned out well in my professor's eyes.

Creative writing and other things

So I had another one of those dreams yesterday morning. If I had just gotten up when Adam went to work I wouldnt have subjected myself to it. This time I was running through a cornfield. Yes I know sounds stupid. But I was being chased by a man in a corn harvester or what ever the heck that big farm machinery thing is. I dont recall who the person was this time. But the man once again got a friend of mine. When I ran out of cornfield to run through, I ran into this house. The lady in the house picked up the phone to call the cops and get me some help when the man came in and shot her. Ok so why is this happening. Just as I run out the door with the man hot on my heals, my cell phone rang and I woke up. Talk being saved again.
Im so sick of these dreams.

So I am sitting here at work and have been staring at some blank pages most of the night. I have yet to get my assignment for writing done yet. I just cant draw a single bead of thought. Its due Monday and the only thing I can get is stupid. I have to write a letter to a friend or such that is a portrait of myself. I have to use metaphors, similies and figurative language to describe my physical being, personality and likes and dislikes. Problem is I can not come up with anything to save my life. I thought this assignment would be fun but it has become extremly hard for me. Plus we have to share these in class on Monday morning. I just dont know what I am going to share with every one... I have no clue what to even come close to writing. Any ideas???

My father.... What can I say. He keeps tryin to call me and I keep not answering. Its not that I dont love my dad. Because I do. Either he calls at a time I can not get to the phone or he calls and I dont have the phone on me. So I havent avoided him in so many words. But why do I feel guilty? I shouldnt. He hasnt always been there for me. I just need time of my own. I dont want him showing up here. I dont want him showing up and screwing up anything for Matt, Mom and me. We are all doing so well that I dont want him to mess that up. I know that sounds cruel. But if you knew anything about the history of us and him you would understand. Matt and I are not buying his sob stories. Lisas tired of his crap and Hope refuses to let him contact her and will change her number if he gets his hands on it. So do you think we are all bad children? I hope not. We are just the children that cant handle any more pain or suffering on his behalf.

My mom on the other hand is wonderful. Matt and I are going in on halves for her for a present that she has always wanted for christmas. I cant wait to see her face when she opens her gift. Adam, Bill and I are going shopping in the morning to pick out the right one. I am so excited. I really am glad that we can do something so nice for her this year. Matt is too. We are very attached to our mother considering that she has never ever left us the way our dad has. She has always been there and stood by us even when we were miles away and were not able to see her on a regular basis. Mom is our rock.

Ok time for me to get back to the paper I have no clue how I am going to get through. Hmm lets see if I can even get any ideas on the paper that I am writing notes on. So far all my notes suck. Lets hear it for similies, metaphors and figurative language! Im about as creative as a wet brick. Go me!

Algerbra teacher from Hell

Ok so now I am in school. My English Comp professor is awesome. But my Algebra teacher is a little excentric. If she hears your cell phone go off you have to bring in cookies or donuts for the entire class the next time we meet. Ummm I dont think so...
I have my first quiz tomarrow. Nope Im not excited. Infact I am freaked out. I dont know how well I will do considering I am having to teach this crap to myself. She just doesnt teach very thoroughly. I dont care for her teaching style and she comes across insulting. Yesterday she informed all of us that if we were working 30 or more hours a week and going to school that there was no way that we would ever make it. What??? Umm thanks for the encouragement. I dont appreciate being told that I wont make it just because I have more than just her class that is going on in my life. Nope sorry. I dont even have time for fun. But thanks alot Ms thing. I feel so good about my taking a class with such a negative teacher.
I felt like she was singling me out when she did that. I mean I had talked to her on the phone and she told me that she thought that I would have a hard time based on the hours I work. Well duh. But she doesnt have the right to say that. I know that she made several other people furious with her condescending remarks. I am thinking about staying after to talk to her about the way she came across and let her know that I feel totally insulted by this and a few other things that happened in our class yesterday.

Dave and Gavin personal review

Ok so now that the crap has been written down for consumption of the general masses. Heres the fun stuff.
We went to see Dave Matthews and Gavin DeGraw on Sunday night. Yeah it was a great show. I think though that I enjoyed Gavin DeGraw the most because he was extremely crowd pleasing. I love an interactive entertainer. He jumped off the stage and walked through the crowds. It was just hilarious.
Dave played for a long time. They just didnt play as much of the music that they are known for as many of the people around me expected. Several people sitting in our vacinity commented on this. Where generally I love to just listen to the bands jam out, thats like all they did. Im talking 5 minute intros, longer endings. You litterally could have gotten up and gone to get a drink or to the restroom in between every single song. Dont get me wrong it was a great show. But when you pay 60.00 a ticket thats just disappointing. Even Adams sisters felt that way. These girls are die hard. They go to see these guys everytime they are in driving distance. So they have seen them several times. We did enjoy ourselves though. Like I said it was a great concert I just would have loved to see more interaction from Dave and more of the music that we love and less jam sessions. Maybe Im spoiled but thats how I feel. I am still a fan. I still love their music, but I am just generally disappointed in the show.

Returning dream

Lately I have been having terrible dreams. One I have already shared. But they keep coming. Every time I escape but some one I love does not. The person that is terrorizing me is someone I moved states away from. Some one who has always since the day he entered my life, struck fear in the depths of my soul. Only later to find out my fears were very wise. There was always something about him that sat bad with me. Then the local police gave me background on him. Yeah so I thought that when I left Texas I would never think of him again.
Why all of the sudden is he showing up in my dreams and causing me so much pain and hurting the ones I love the most. Even people that I have just slight associations with. I am to the point that if I am at home alone I do not sleep for fear of not being able to stop the dreams this time. Last night Adam was not home and I slept only two hours before he was home to get ready for work. I could not sleep and if I did start to doze off the slightest noise caused me to come to full alert.
I feel haunted by this person and these horrible dreams. They have only gotten worse and more graphic. Adam has woke me up once and I have managed to wake myself up several other times. Thing is these dreams are so disgusting I dont feel comfortable nor safe disclosing exactly what happens in them. I of coarse tell Adam. I dont tell my mother because I dont want her to freak out and suggest a shrink. Forget that. I am not paying some guy to sit and listen to me spill my soul about something that is not real. My only question is why does this keep happening????

Items of thought today

Tomarrow is the day Adam has been waiting for for a long time. We will be on our way to see Dave Matthews Band tomarrow night. This is Adams favorite band. Ok Im not the biggest fan but I have always enjoyed their music. Fan yes, fanatic no. Needless to say though, I am excited. I am excited because Adam is trying not to be. Every year he opts not to go with his sisters. This year he finally decided to give in and go with them. I know that tomarrow he will be unbearably crazy to live with until after the concert is over. He is already fidgety and cant sit still. Almost like time can not move by fast enough. Hes so cute.
Next item up for bid....
I heard from an old friend the other day. Which normally that kind of thing is a joy. But why did my skin crawl this time?? Hope ask why later I will tell you in depth.
Next on the chopping block....
The Christmas tree is up, the living room is decorated. Adam and I walk around humming ridiculous holiday tunes. Why do I love this season so much, yet dread it every year for the remaining seasons?
Last but certainly not least.....
Why is it that I pick stupid crap to dwell on.... That kinda goes with the second item up for bid. But I do have that tendancy. I cant let go of stuff. One day I hope to do so .

Strange dream....

Last night I got home early. I had intended to spend a little extra time with Adam but he was already asleep. So I sat in the living room sort of reading a book, watching an old old movie that made me cry as usual. Then talked to my munchkin. I was the biggest sulk. I just sat there and cried about everything. I cried because I have no one I hang out with other than Adam and that his sister is the only friend I have that I do hang out with. Because yes I have friends but they are all at work. Then I cried because all of my real friends outside of Omaha have gotten married and had babies and I dont get to talk to them anymore. That is with the exception of Kristy and she has both of those. Then I cried because I miss my Kevin. Then because I hate what is up with my father. I was a total mess. I cried because I miss my sisteres. I was such a dork. Hope was so sweet tho. She just listened while I cried. Then I went to sleep.
Im gonna say around 730 or so this morning I woke Adam up. I dont remember doing that though. But I do remember what he said I told him. Apparently I was having a panic attack.
I told him that the man was chasing me. He said that I was crying and breathing really heavy.
Well I know I probably was because I remember the dream. This man broke into my house killed the others that were there and continued to terrorize me until the sun came up. Then I screamed and cried and Carey came in and distracted him. After watching him lose the knife and Carey retrieve it I ran down the street and to some one elses house. He allowed me to call the cops, when I dialed the cops it was the electric company. I looked out the window and saw the man coming down the street. I hid behind the couch and got very quiet. The man entered the house I was in and asked the man whose phone I was using where I was. He pretended not to know what he was talking about. Then the man fell dead on the side of the couch. Umm.. What?? I remember waking up with my head in Adam's side. Then went back to sleep. Yeah weird huh?? Thing is I think I know who the stranger was......

Hectic

So I havent written in several days. Its been a very busy set of days. Between home and work I am totally exhausted. I have taken to getting up with Adam in the mornings before he goes to work. Then taking a nap and getting up to go to work of my own. Then when I get home he is already in bed asleep so I just crawl into bed and try not to wake him. So Im off tomarrow. But it will be a full day. I will get up with him then go spend the day with my mom. Write out the remaining part of my bills. Get that taken care of. Around 2:00 or so I am going to go home and get dinner ready so that when Adam comes home we can eat and leave. I have new student orientation to go to. But since our time is so few and far between right now we take every opportunity to spend that time either of us is off together. Our days off are totally different. His Saturday, Sunday. Mine Wednesday, Thursday.
Starting on the 30th of this month I wont have Wednesdays off either. That is one of my school days. Monday mornings I also have a class. So it is about to get hectic in my home. Between Adam's schedule and my schedule it is crazy already. I am actually looking forward to being at home when he gets there tomarrow. So is he actually. We were talking about that tonight when we went to dinner. We have decided that now that we dont get to see each other as much we will just go ahead and meet up for dinner once a week. That way we get to spend a little more time with each other. Even though my lunch break is only 30 minutes. It is enough time to feel like I actually got to see him today.
How is it that I have fallen so hard for him when just a few months ago I had sworn that I would never do that again? He is every thing that I have ever wanted and more. I have a smile on my face no matter what these days. He makes all the bad go away even when I dont think that it is possible. I sound like a teenage girl now. But gosh hes just so wonderful. Even when we argue we cant stay away from each other. I dont know how my heart can find such peace in another person. Its crazy.
Now that I have sounded totally twitterpatted, I will let you guys all puke in private. Then again I dont think I have heard from anyone in forever. But hey thats life.

The Patch

So I am currently re-evaluating my form of birth control. Seems the FDA put out a warning a few days ago about the patch. But so far mine is working just beautifully, of coarse there are side effects of any form. Aside from the fact that it is like a bandaid that you can not change for seven days, it is wonderful.
Supposedly now they are warning that it causes blood clots and such effects. I have read two articles now on the "problems" and just wonder if the woman in the interview at the end just wants to scare people because she had problems. I do however not believe that some one died from it. All birth controls have these warnings and warn that if taken improperly death has occurred. But now I wonder should I switch methods when this is the only form that has ever worked on me.
This is the first time that I have taken any for of birth control that hasnt made me extremely emotional or totally irritable. I have talked to several people that I know who either use this patch or have taken it. All have mixed ideas on it.
Adams family knows this is our method. They are all scared now that I am going to end up sick. Well I want them not to worry but I am still not too sure of what I am going to do about this yet.
Carey says the only reason that she is really worried about it is because of my size. Maybe if I had a little more fat on my body she would not worry so much. Carey is a doctor so I trust her judgement on these things. She is really very smart. When I first started the patch she kept up with Adam on how I was doing. Checked on every side effect I had with her advisors and kept Adam calm on how I reacted as my body adjusted. So I dont know what to think. Maybe I will go talk to her again and see what she thinks of my situation. You know with out her brother sitting there on pins and needles. Then make this decision in the most informed way possible.
What is the general opinion of my dear friends though, I do wonder. If you would like to read up on this before stating an opinion here is a website....
http://msnbc.msn.com/id/9997384
Your opinion would be greatly appreciated. Thanks!

School and Chicago

Ok so I am two steps closer to getting back into school. I have to go enroll and file my extension for tuition but other than that I am set. Looks like the end of the month I will be a student again. Yipee! Actually yes I am finally excited about it. Looks like all my pale grant will be approved which means I will be going to school for nothing. The grant will pay for everything. I was supposed to get up this morning and go register but low and behold I overslept. Yeah so the new darkness in my room may not be a good idea for that reason. I dont want to get out of bed. Now if I would have seen some light this morning my butt may have gotten up. Yeah so I think I am in trouble with Adam now. He is really working his butt off to get me to get back into school. I need to make an appointment now with an advisor then with finanial aid. That way I am at least enrolled. Oh why does school have to be such a big deal? No really I am excited about it though.
I am more excited at the moment however about our trip this week coming up to Chicago. Adam and I are running away for two days to Chicago. Gosh I love working for Marriott. Hotels are so inexpensive that way. We are actually staying 25 miles from downtown in a Resort in Oakbrook. I am so excited. We will be just absolutely relaxed. That is as long as I dont manage to put us in crap moods like I did when we went to Kansas City. Yeah Im famous for screwing the good stuff up. This is our last chance to really get out until I can do something to get my schedule changed to match my days off to his at least some what. Other than that we wont be spending much time together unless its sleeping. That could be very stressful so I want our trip to be perfect. I have a few ideas too that might just help.

Happy Halloween

Today, the biggest costume day of the year. But it is so fun to dress as some one else sometimes. Did I participate, No! I decided I would just be me. Sounds like a better plan if you ask me. So yeah I just decided to come to work as me, just a more dressed up version of me. SO I look some what nice. But I have been happy with the results. Ive gotten many compliments the last few days on my aparel. I like that. Generally I dress down so I am not so nice looking. I walked in a minute ago and Nates reaction was Wow Amanda. So that made me feel good. Then yesterday two of the prettiest girls here told me how nice I looked. So yeah I took that as the nice good feeling it gave me.
Anyways I just wanted to say Happy Halloween! Be safe all my friends!

So Im moody and totally pathetic last night. Whining and crying because Adam wasnt home. Finally I fall asleep at like 2:00, then even though I dont remember the conversation,
Adam calls and is home before 4:00. Yeah he says he called because he was lonely at his parents house but I dont remember. All I know is that I told him to come home and before 4:00 this morning I was snuggled up in bed next to him. Yeah I told you I was pathetic. Hes just absolutely wonderful though.
Good news of the week: Adam got a job! He is really excited about it. All that hard work and many many interviews has finally paid off. The only thing that I find unexciting about all this is that I wont get to see him very often. Our days off are going to be totally different. His Saturday, Sunday. Mine being Wednesday, Thursday. So yeah that Im totally unexcited about. But I am so very proud that his hard work and patience has paid off. I hope that he likes what he will be doing as much as I love what I do. Its always great to love your job. Thing is he is so good financially that I know that he will be great.
The joyous day arrived last week. I now have a new God Daughter. Her name is Jayden. I havent even seen pictures yet, but man did that just make my day. Im sure Kristy is glad to have that over with now. I know she was very uncomfortable towards the end of her pregnancy. But now that she is here I need to go to Texas just to meet her.
Hope is in North Carolina now. She says that it is beautiful on her base and around. She is about an hour from the shore. Her description of it is that it looks like God got bored one day and just started planting trees. Shes a big tom boy so trees are good. Maybe one day I will get up there to see her. I miss the munchkin.

And another World Series is over.

The mighty Houston Astros put forth their best foot, yet it wasnt enough. I am so proud to say that I am a fan of this team. They did a great job. Each game left you on the edge of your seat. They were exciting. Though I must admit that, yes, I did cry when game 4 was over and our Astros went home winless. They were amazing but not good enough. I do also admit that the other team was just so stellar that they were the better of the two teams. Sometimes all you can ask for is to just be a player in the game. I find that it is a great honor to have taken part in something that most will never have the opportunity to.
I am jealous however of Adams mother. She was at the Series while it was in Chicago. That brat. No Im just playing I love her. Shes wonderful. But dang I so wish I could have been there too. All I can say for next season is, try again next year boys. Dreams do come true. Long live the Astros!

No point today.

Ok well the Munchkin leaves us to go to North Carolina on Sunday. I just dont feel like I have spent enough time with her. Tomarrow Hope, Mom and I are going to take pictures together. I wish Lisa was here too. It is nice though that I will have a picture of us together. I hate when the kid is gone. I guess shes not really a kid anymore though. Gosh I am going to miss her. Even though we do talk about 5 or 6 times a week when she is gone, I dont like her being away.
My new upstairs neighbors are so loud! I swear if they are out on their balcony at 3 or 4 in the morning I am going to talk to the land lord. These people are ridiculous. They piss me off. The kid skate boards through the apartment. They turn the radio up so loud you can hear it coming into the entrance in the rear of the building. And if there is a Nebraska game on forget watching TV because the jerks have it turned up so loud you cant hear your tv on the highest volume. Yeah Im sick of them. They only just moved in a month ago. Im ready to just scream if they keep it up!
Im at work currently and just dying to eat. I feel like the little starved girl. Only because I hurt so badly this morning I didnt want to get out of bed. I actually laid in the tub for 45 minutes because my back hurt so badly. So of course I didnt eat before I got to work. Now I feel like a starved cow. Im hungry! That is all I can think about for the moment.

World Series Bound!

Recently I have been scrutinized for being a fan. I was told to quit being so excited for a team I BELIEVE IN! I was supposedly going to jinx them. Ok well heres my response to that, and those of you who know me know I dont get hostile often. When you believe in a team cheer them on. There is no such thing as jinxing anything! I dont care if you are superstitious do not come on to my blog and critisize me for being excited. Do not do it. I dont mind people having opinions, but if they cant be polite they wont be commenting on my blog. I do retaliate. Oh and guess I showed them because the boys pulled it off. Its all about who the better team is. I love the Astros. You wont catch me saying that I wont pull for them and be openly excited for these guys just so that some idiot is happy. Guess what buddy, the whole of Houston was more excited than me so get off my back.
Any ways to those of you who matter in my blog reading circle.... The Astros made it to the World Series. Remember weeks ago I took the stance that I didnt think they would because of the season the Cards had put up. Well as the series between these two teams progressed the more I could see the want in the eyes of the Astros players. Its people like Craig Biggio and Jeff Bagwell who have played for this team more than 2,000 games with out a World Series that I am more than extatic for. Its for the losers at the Houston Chronicle who marked them out with a giant headstone back in May that I dont believe have any right to call themselves fans. When you love a team so much you dont count them out mid season. You dont get into the Series and say they cant win. As I see it now, yes they can win this series. Yes they can get a pennant. I believe more than any team out there in the MLB association, these boys deserve it. It is a first for them. They have great defense and powerful hitters that are all underestimated in their value. They make people great then send them off to better teams only to realize that once they are no longer an Astro their big name is gone. Kent who? Beltran who? Big assets to a little team. Get big britches then cant do crap. Yeah these are guys my spirits rode on last year in post season. But the little team from Houston, Texas has proven themselves. They ARE the little team that can. But you know if they dont win, I wont cry. Im proud. Just like I was last year at this time when they went home to celebrate just making it to the second round.
So the moral of my blog today is: Dont get underexcited and then tell me to join you. If you love them join them in the excitement. If you believe in them speak up and wear your colors with pride. But if you speak against them dont comment on my blog because you are not a TRUE fan.

Oh I Can Almost Taste It!

Now with only one win to go, I can almost taste the WORLD SERIES!!!! My Houston Astros are just one victory away from the big dance!!!! Yehaw!!!!!!!!
So now Im more excited than anyone can handle! Yeah baby!!!!!

And they're off!

No Im not talking bout the dogs or horses. Im talking about the Astros. We have two more games at home in this series. If we win both we are in the World Series!!! Previously I had stated that the best world series in my opinion would be the Cards and the White Sox. Well upon review I believe that the best series Pitching Wise would be the White Sox and Astros. Thats the two number one pitching staffs. Hmmm so maybe I was wrong. Thing is that no matter which of my two favorite teams make the World Series their post season reality, I am happy and proud. They have both shown their right to that set of games. Nothing prides me more than a well played game. But for the time being all I can say is GO ASTROS!!!! 2 to go! World Series Bound!!!!

No title just random thoughts.

I know life cant be perfect,
So why do I expect it to be?
I know life cant be perfect,
But I cant except anything less.

I know I have flaws,
So why cant I find them in others?
I know I have flaws,
But I seem to be jealous at time of others.

I know imperfections are what make us unique,
So why do I question my differences?
I know imperfections are what make us unique,
But I want to be like everyone else.

I stole it from James

10 bands you've been listening a lot to lately:
1. Keith Urban
2. Cross Canadian Ragweed
3. Dave Matthews Band
4. Green Day
5. Jon Bon Jovi
6.Derks Bentley
7. Gary Allen
8. Roy Orbison (yeah i know)
9. Beethoven (yes i like Classical music)
10. Rob Thomas
09 things you look forward to:
1. Meeting my new God daughter
2. Friday
3. Paying off my next vehicle
4. Seeing Hope
5. Seeing Lisa
6. Getting home to see Adam
7. My next pay check
8. Dinner
9. Finishing School
8 things you like to wear:
1. Socks
2. my wholey jeans
3. Flip Flops
4. High Heels
5. Red Lipstick
6. Dangly earrings
7. Rings
8. Dresses
07 things that annoy you:
1. Banks
2. Cheaters
3. UT
4. Stupidity
5. Players
6. Dirty Fingernails
7. Gossip
06 things you say most days:
1. Good afternoon thank you for calling the lead desk this is Amanda, how may I assist you?
2. Shut up Adam
3. I love you
4. What up Ho! ( Hope knows)
5. Good evening thank you for calling Marriott Rewards Redemptions this is Amanda, may I have your confirmation number.
6. Bob! I need help!!!
05 things you do everyday:
1. Tell Adam I love him
2. Eat
3. Talk on the phone
4. Wonder where my dad is.
5. Laugh
04 people you want to spend more time with:
1. Hope
2. Lisa
3. Kristy
4. Kevin
03 movies you could watch over and over again:
1. Top Gun
2. Batman
3. Steel Magnolias
02 of your favorite songs at the moment:
1. Would have to be this way- Leigh Ann Rhymes
2. Have a nice day- Bon Jovi
01 person you could spend the rest of your life with:
1. Adam at this time.
.NUMBER OF: -
height:5'5
foot size- 7 1/2
color of hair- Blonde
siblings-2 sisters and 4 brothers
LAST: -
movie you rented: I cant remember that far back
Movie you bought- Frequency
song that was stuck in your head: The Oscar Myer bologna song
last person you called- Adam
tv show you've watched: Probably Connan O' Brien
Last person you were thinking of: Kristy
DO: -
you have a crush on someone: Just Adam
you wish you could live somewhere else: Not really
do you believe in online dating: Why not Ive met two of my boyfriends on line.
do others find you attractive: Ive been told so.
do you want more peircings: Only my ears are peirced I am sure it will stay that way.
do you write in cursive or print: both
FAVORITE: -
food: Lasagna
thing to do: Nothing on my day off with Adam
thing to talk about: Baseball
drinks: Cherry Coke (cant have it no more) and Iced Tea
clothes: Socks and my wholy jeans.
movies: Depends on the day. Top Gun is my favorite movie though
holiday: Fourth of July
HAVE YOU: -
ever cried over a girl: Yes I cried when Kristy found out she was pregnant
over a boy: Dont remind me. Neither deserved it.
ever been in a fist fight: Sure Have.
ever been arrested: Nope, the cops are my friends.
WHAT-
shampoo do you use: Aussie
shoes do you wear: I own lots of shoes varies day to day.
are you scared of: Water.
number of people I would classify as true, could trust with my life type friends: Kevin, Kristy and Adam
number of people I consider my enemies: Nope none.
FAVORITE: -
Disney movie: Brother Bear
word: HONEY!!!!!!!!!
nickname: Im not even going there I have too many
eye color: Brown.
flower: yellow roses
DO YOU THINK YOU ARE: -
pretty/handsome: Ehhh
funny: yes I am
hot: umm no
friendly: always
amusing: Yep
ugly: no way
caring: I will help even the people i dont like.
sweet: yes
dorky: Around my family
DESCRIBE YOUR:
Wallet – Black leather with Elvis on it.
Jewelry worn daily- Watch, necklace with Hopes Squadran on it, and a ring
Pillow cover – varies
Underwear – Different every day.
Favorite shirt - Dont know that I really have one
Perfume/cologne – Gossip
CD in stereo right now – a mixed one Hope made
What you are wearing now – A white t-shirt, tan pants and undergarments
In my mouth – teeth and my tongue
In my head – Useless knowledge
Wishing – That I wasnt working Christmas and Christmas Eve and New years Eve.
Person you wish you could see right now –Nana
Something you're looking forward to in the upcoming month – Nothing too much
Do you like the taste of blood – Umm No
Do you believe in love – Yeah
Do you believe in Heaven - Yes.
If you could have any animal for a pet, what would it be – An Elephant
What's your favorite coin – I dont know.....

Now that I am over feeling like crap, I am hungry. Not just your every day hungry either. I want spicy food. I had some of the best home made hot sauce ever. It was so funny Hal gave me a chip with a chunk of this wonderful hot sauce. Then asked what I thought. With out batting an eye I said "a little spicy but good!" He bout died. Every one has thought that it was really hot. So now they all think that I have high tolerance to the peppers. But I really want more now. Nope just grew up in Texas. The spicier the better.
Mmm Mmm Mmm. I want more spicy stuff!!!!!

I feel terrible..

So this form of birth control that my doctor put me on is nice, but today I feel like crap. I dont even think I will make it through my shift at work tonight. I have put myself on the downtime list though. That almost never happens but I did it anyways. But if I cant make it I will at least hold out until 630 tonight. Thats half of my shift so thats not so bad. Esp since I have given away half of my shift away Friday. So then I would just keep that half and wouldnt be affected to much. Anyways. I just dont feel good and Adam is proving to be just wonderful. I had the NOrwalk virus a few weeks ago and he took care of me for two days. Last night when I started feeling badly he started taking care of me. Hes a wonderful person. I dont know what I would do with out him, esp when I am sick. But in all fairness Doc did warn me that this might happen. So I guess I should have expected it. But I have to admit I didnt. I never had problems with my old birth control so I expected this to be the same. But then again I can see why this one would affect me considering its a patch... It is continuous rather than once aday. So I guess I just have to suck it up and get used to this before the yuck goes away.....

Return Successful!

The munchkin is officially home now. We got her from the airport yesterday morning. Then surprised my mother at lunch. Mom didnt know that Hope would be home yesterday. She really believed that Hope would be home today. We had that woman completly convinced of it. So yesterday was completely busy. We were at moms all day. Adam came over at like 7 in the morning. So he completely surprised me. I was not expecting him at all. Well then we waited at the airport for like an hour for Hope and she was actually in the airport the entire time. Yeah Im a dork I know. Hope took a nap while the boys played baseball and football outside and mom and I went shopping for a few minutes.
Exciting find of the day for me was that I got Adam and I wine glasses. I was so excited about that. So now we have wine glasses instead of drinking out of coffee mugs when we have wine. Yipee!! Then Adam and I went home and cleaned up and such. Watched part of the game, decided that if we stayed at home we would fall asleep. So we went back to moms. When we got there I got all up into that ball game. Boy did it get good. The Astros whipped up on Atlanta. But today they topped it! 18 innings at home and they took Atlanta! Yippee!!!
So after the game Hope decided that she wanted to go out. So we all went bowling. We had so much fun. Adam bowled a game that exceeded 200 I on the other hand never cleared 75, then again I never do.
After bowling we decided we would go back home to go to sleep. We decided to finish our movie that we have now been trying to watch for three days. But no we started falling asleep and went to bed instead. So yeah Adam and I are just really on weird sleeping schedules right now. But then again we always are.
He came and got me for my lunch break. So we had lunch together tonight. It was nice. Since I went to the doc the other day and she told me to cut the caffine, Im having a bit of a problem with craving it. Thing is before I had already more than 50% cut my caffine intake. So why is it bothering me??? I dont know but it is really annoying.

Round 2

And suddenly the Astros find themselves again facing the Cardinals for the second year in a row in round 2 of MLB playoffs. I am a huge Astros fan. Heres the conflict for me. I love the Cards too. But I pull all the way for my Astros. So if something happens and the Cards end up in the series Im still happy but I would love to see my Astros in the world series. I would love it even more if the good old boys won it. But Im a good sport. Last year the stinky team won. And lets face it they were not the best team. I am not arguing that they didnt deserve the ring. They just werent the best team overall last year. Like I said thats just my opinion. DONT GET MAD AT ME FOR OPINION. Thought I would make that straight.
All Im sayin is I am glad that those two teams are in the running and I know that the games that are getting ready to ensue will be good. Regardless of the fact that I want the Astros to win this coming series, I honestly think the best World Series match up would be between the Cardinals and White Sox. They to me are the two best teams in the running. But dont get me wrong I want the Astros to be the champs. Thats just me.

T minus 13 hours and 5 minutes

The munchkin will return as of 1010 am tomarrow morning. So I am off to the airport as soon as I can in the morning. We are going to surprise mom. Mom thinks that Hope will be home Sunday afternoon. But thats not true. I am so extatic it is crazy!!
Yeah so tonight if Matt and I dont go bowling just to calm our nerves we are gonna clean all night. My bathroom is in severe need of a bath! After feeling like an elephant sat on me last week, I have been sooo lazy! Adam cleaned my kitchen the other morning so now I just have to make sure it stays that way.
Recently I have taken to drinking coffee. Just as my doc says that I have to cut it out. Yeah so Ive never liked coffee and now that I do I cant have it. Tell me how fair that is!

All Shook Up

And today I have not much to say as of yet. I dont know yet what my day will bring. Yeah sure its after 4:00 pm and all but I have so much left for the day. I will be talking to the munchkin on my lunch break. Then she has a plan of some sort. So I have a feeling it has to do with surprising our mommy. I wont know until after 7:00 or so tonight.

Astros update! We are up 1-0 on NCLS championship divisional playoffs. And oh isnt victory sweet when its against the Braves. Its a repeat of the playoffs last year. First round anyways. I need to check the schedule for the next two games but if they win this next one then there will be no more. This set is best of five. So Go ASTROS!

Now Im open to ideas. Adam is way ahead of me on Christmas. Yes we are already shopping for Christmas. The sooner we can get it out of the way the better, right. Well. I know hes already gotten me two different things. I dont even have an idea on what to get him!! His sisters are going to help me out but I am open to any suggestions with in reason. Hes such a complex person and if I ask what he wants he just says he wants me to be back in school. Ok well for his birthday I took him at word when he said not to do anything. But that was so not cool, he thought I would do something anyways. So not meaning to I hurt him alot. So I wanna avoid that at any cost. I just dont know what to do for him even though I have been with him almost six months. Help! Any ideas will be appreciated.

Return of the Munchkin!

We arent 100% sure of the exact date as of yet. But the munchkin shall be returning in a matter of days. If all goes well she will be home Saturday! Yippee! I miss the munchkin in a bad way. One day I will have to stop calling her that considering she has grown up and placed herself in such a position of distinction in my eyes. Does one out grow her childhood nick name from her older sister? I hope not. I do not call her this when people are around. But when I was on base for her BMT graduation I did call her Munchkin. She will always be my little munchkin, my mini me.
So for all the confusion and unsure moments I have had this week I eagerly await the return of the munchkin. I miss her so terribly, even though I talk to her most nights. It is weird for her to be so far away. I never got used to her not being in the house. Now that shes not in a home with either of our parents and nor am I, I am really not used to this. Its like some one is missing. I dont have anyone to scream at the baseball games with me.
So whats really cool about her coming home at this time is that she will be home in time for base ball playoffs. If anyone remembers my blog this time last year, we went nuts with World Series Playoffs. We are huge Astros fans. Yet again our boys are the Wild card slot winners! SO.... GO ASTROS! Updates on the return of the Munchkin to follow!

I wonder...

She sits and stares out the window wondering if he will ever just grow up......

How is it I never know what to believe if it comes from him....

Why does the thought of not talking to him bother me but I cant answer the phone when he calls......

If he is in need why do I want to help but if I am the one in need he runs to hide.....

How can you know and trust some one your whole life then realize it may have all been a farse......

These are the things I wonder sometimes and things I have felt for a while when it comes to talking to or about my father. He is my father but why do I feel like he should just live his life and grow up rather than making the four of us crazy and worried all the time???

Heaven on Earth

Life is in this continuum that makes my head spin at times. It amazes me how I can wait all day to go home and see Adam, then when I get there I am still excited to see him. You know at some point I lost that with Toby. I stopped getting excited early. I would only get excited to see him after days, weeks or months of him not being around. But with my Adam, its all so different. If he is gone for even an hour I am beaming when I see him again. He makes me laugh, and smile. I know I am lucky to have him.
The beauty in this relationship is that I know that no matter what happens I appreciate the small things that before I didnt. So I guess if I hadnt been through hell with Toby I would not know that some of the little things he does and says are sweet. Ive learned that it isnt really the grand gestures that I want. Its the little things like a kiss on the forehead or a touch of the hand that add up and mean so much more to me.
Adam's indeed taught me a thing or two about what love is. I went into this relationship with the attitude that I had experience in a serious, long term relationship. I didnt want to let anything or anyone know the side of me that has weakness. Infact I was nothing but mean and had my mind up that I would run anyone off that came at me. So it took Adam forever to get that second date with me. I knew I wanted to go out with him again. But I didnt want to let myself into another possibly disasterous relationship.
I just knew that if I let this wonderful man into my life I would screw it up again. Sure enough I just about did. I fought off his requests just to hang out for five weeks. I spent countless hours talking to him and avoiding any thought of another date. Until finally one day when he asked me what was so wrong with him that I wouldnt give him another shot. Thats when it hit me, I was really wrong for the way I was treating this guy.
For the first time in my life I was actually contemplating the idea of a nice guy. One that I knew so much about. One I had barely known a few months. Yet from the sincerity that I had seen that one night and over the phone those countless hours, I knew that I could trust him. But my problem now was, could he trust me? Could he trust me not to bail out when things got tough, not to freak out at the first sign of seriousness?
Yes we have had our moments where we just want to leave. But something draws us back to each other with in moments. Either of us have seriously walked out in a heated arguement only to return with in a minute to tell the other how very sorry we were and that we love each other. There are days when we both just feel like the world is over and that we cant possibly look at the other one. But it has yet to last longer than a few hours. If that long.
I know we are far from perfect. But I know, for now at least, I have found my peice of heaven on earth and I dont want it to ever go away.

Cars and School....

Oh the woes of having to buy a new car. I am in this position. I have been looking for right at a month now. So I went ahead and applied for a loan. Yeah I have no credit though so did the bank even give me a second thought? Nope. So I have to do it on my own.
Until yesterday I had my Daddy Bills car. I knew I needed to give it back. So I gave it back for the weekend at least on Friday night. I figured I didnt need a car until today to get to work anyways. So last night Adam and I went out with his new brother in law. I love Blair hes the coolest. Well we were all just kinda getting drunk and gambling. Yeah we all went and wasted time on the ever occupying penny slots. Adam and I can play all freakin night on ten dollars.
Anyways like I was saying, the three of us were sitting around totally wasting money. Afterwards we were all feeling the alcohol just a little too much so we decided to eat at the casino. So we have dinner at 3:00 in the morning. The subject of my car comes up. This is just totally depressing to me. Blair looks up and says "Amanda I have my old Ford Ranger. Can you drive a stick?" I was like uh huh. Cause I learned on a manual transmission. So.... After about an hour of talking he offered to let me buy his truck. Even better hes letting me drive it for a while until I decide if I want this truck. Ok well, I have had this truck for a day now and I like it. Its got a few flaws that are minor and easy to fix. He is gonna put a new 4 wheel drive switch in it for me. Since winter is coming up and I may need it.
So I am excited cause my car woes may be over. See what would I do with out Adam? And have I ever mentioned that I love his family? They really are wonderful people. These are people that I dont know where I would be with out. Adam, mainly, but his family is so wonderful and supportive. Im starting school in the winter and Blair is gonna tutor me when I need it in Algebra. Even though Adam is the human calculator, Blair is gonna do it so that I can get frustrated but with it being him Im not gonna get all upset and feel stupid. As if I was with Adam, I would feel inferior because he is soo smart. But when it comes to writing a paper he is really good. I on the other hand used to be good at writing essays and reports. Now Im so out of practice, Im lucky if this blog finds any good favor in it.
So I am totally nervous about school. Yeah I still have a few months before I start but the closer it gets the more I want to jump out a window. I have that itch. Im afraid I am gonna fail. I dont handle failure very well at all. I have always been a bit of a perfectionist with little room for error when it comes to learning. I like to make sure I know everything to the best of my abilities. I figure theres no point in being in a classroom if you are not gonna try. Dont just show up to take up a seat in the class. Thats just ridiculous, not only does a non participative, non caring student waste space, they make every one else dumber with their presence. Maybe thats harsh, but I cant stand a student that is just there to say there were there. So I am serious about learning, shoot me.
Ok guys Im getting out of here. I have some work to do. Later all!

Ode to High Heels

Theres nothing like high heels, a cute blouse, and red lipstick to make a girl feel like a rebellious teenager. Yet today I donned two of the above selections and I feel like an adult. I usually always feel like one of the kids. Maybe because in my mind that is how it is and will always be. My family still refers to all of us younger generation as the kids. Yet there are two or three generations below us. So I guess I am a kid at heart.

So what is it about my high heels that makes me feel as if I am an adult? Im not quite sure. I say that taking into consideration that I have been walking in and actively pursuing the art of high heels since I was around 12 years old or so. I have always loved the click of heels on the floor. Theres a certain feel of power in the fact that people stop to look when they hear you walking down the way.

I consider wearing and walking in high heels to be an art. Something that dare I say, takes as much grace and balance as dancing. Worn properly, one would never be able to tell that you are wearing them. Theres nothing worse to me than to see a woman trying to walk in a pair of heels and doing it badly.

Call me critical, but I cant stand to see a woman walking down the way in a pair of heels if she is tripping all over herself because she shouldnt be wearing them. Theres no faster way to ruin your feet than to walk in a pair of shoes improperly. I say that in the knowledge of having many many years of dance under my belt. Knowing that a pair of high heels can be worn with unlimited possibilities.

Yes I can put on my heels and run. I can wear them just like I wear my running shoes. For any purpose. Yet I wear them with pride and dignity. I try to exude the grace and balance that they were intended for. I have no illusions of any kind of beauty or anything like that. I just think that wearing high heels properly gives a woman an aura of grace. It does take some amount of talent to be able to just walk in them.

I have two sisters. Either one will tell you that they do not posess this talent. I, being the family shirmp, wear my heels as a way of adding height. But I would no wear them if I couldnt walk in them. There is no way. Lisa and Hope both watch in amazement when I wear mine. The two of them can not walk in heels. Hope can to an extent. But of all my mothers daughters I am the only that enjoys the wearing of these magnificent shoes.

More or less this entry is just for fun and to lighten up the mood of my last entry. I hope it made you guys laugh or what ever. Its really all up to your interpretation. Thanks friends!

Longer post to follow

All I can say with any ounce of restraint tonight is pray for the south. My entire family is there. The size of this storm is unchartted. I can honestly say I am scared for what may come in the states south of here.
Since age 11 or so I have been haunted by the memories of a cat. 3 hurricane. To my knowledge Andrew did this to many of my peers of this time.
I have something prepared in long hand. Just not the energy to type it. I will post more when the time is available to me. Keep these people in your prayers. Rita is huge and looks disasterous. God be with the ones in the path of this fury.

Ahh the challenge

So its been a bit. I have had a time too. Training is now officially over. I am what is called a "lead" agent now instead of a sales agent. Yeehaw!! Talked to the boss man earlier on some scheduling confusion. Glad we got that straight. Other wise I wouldnt have shown up tomarrow and I need to. Whew...
Adams sister gets married in two weeks. I am in the midst of being fitted for and having my mother make the dress I shall adorn. Yep I said that.
Adam and I went to Kansas City for a weekend a few weeks ago. Yeah parts were nice but we stayed in a mood the whole time. So it was less than fruitful. Beautiful city though.
Hope now has a stationing. As of November she will be in North Carolina. So that means not overseas and I still have access to my munchy. I love my baby sister very much and dont like the idea of her being sooo far away all the time. But she is growing and learning so much. Im very proud.
My car... What can I say... Its pretty much a lost cause. I have to get a new one. Yeah Im not looking forward to that. But I need to. So whats a girl to do???
Well theres my life in a nutshell for right now. Talk more later...

Absence

My absence of late has worried several of my beautiful friends. My blogging buddy expressed deep concern for me in an email. So Pseudo... This blog is for mainly your benefit. Nats thanks so much girl for letting him know that I am indeed fine.

My life in the present consists of three things, Work, Adam and Work. Yeah that counts twice. My training began today for my promotion. Lets just say Im pretty overwhelmed so far. Its only the beginning. I have two weeks and a 1/2 inch manual to learn. WEEEEE!!!! Im just no fun to live with. Ask Adam he will tell you. All though he doesnt live with me, hes always there.

Adam... This man has been so much of a saving grace with me. I lose my cool, he brings my ass back down to reality. I frustrate him, yet he keeps on standing right there in my line of fire. But I dont know what I would do with out him sometimes. I break down sometimes with the things that happen around me. But he manages to bring a smile to my face every single time.

Kevin.... I miss you fool. Sorry I havent been very readily available. My phones been having some serious problems. I talk and all anyone hears is static. So Im having that looked into.

Kristy.... Stop stressing my girl. You have to watch out for you and the Spud. I want you and that baby healthy. You know I couldnt make it too far with out you.

James.... Thanks for calling me fool. Some times its really nice to hear that friendly smile on the other end of the line. Ive missed having you around.

So see guys with me some things never change. I may take my leave of absence but I always come back to play with the kids in the park. I need my recess!!!

hodge podge of information

So lately I have no time to talk. I rarely even get a chance to write an email or even check it for that matter. I work and then I work some more. More often than not I have my beautiful boyfriend in tow. Hes amazing and I dont know what the heck I would do with out him. Adam is my source of sanity on some days, my rock on most. He keeps me straight forward.
I have an appointment at our local community college on the 17th of August. I am looking into going to school even if it is only for two classes for this semester. Adam is pushing me to do so. Its a way of getting me back into the swing of things. Hes wonderful I tell you. He knows Im scared to go and worried that I will fail. But he reassures me every time I begin to fret. I told you hes wonderful.
Then this week we are leaving on Wednesday evening to go to San Antonio. Lackland AFB is calling my name! I miss my Munchkin. She is doing very well all. Graduation from USAF bootcamp is on 12 Aug 2005. I cant wait. Like I said I am totally ready! Its calling me! I got two days of shifts covered for me this week coming up so that I dont have to take personal days or be a call in. Im totally nuts excited right now.
At work I made PRIDE for the second period in a row. Last month that was a bonus of 77.00 this month I ranked so high my bonus was 234.76! I was ranked 21 out of 1200 or so employees. I was totally stoked. See PRIDE is the top40% of the sales floor. Then that percentage gets a check for a percentage of their total sales. So in a way its a performance commission.
I went on my interview this week. I did well I think. Nick is offering jobs starting on Monday. I am really hoping to get that promotion. Though if I dont I can always try again the next time they need people in the department. Plus I will apply to be an OJT if that falls through. Which is the other department that keeps hounding me to join up. I am totally psyched. Ok so I have my daddy Bills birthday dinner to go get to. So Im out!

Updates of me....

Ok so I moved into my own apartment. This is too cool. I love that apartment. Lots has happened in the last week or so since I last logged onto any computer that wasnt job related. So Im up for a promotion of some sort at work. The lead manager Nick, came and talked to me the other day. And might I say yum. He is good looking that is for sure. Ok so that is off subject. Yeah I like to look at the men its nice. Ok then I applied for the position so that I will be getting an interview soon. Well Im nervous about that.
Then theres my favorite part of the week. Adam is around alot. The other night we were having a rather serious moment. Well anyways, lets just say hes wonderful and Im not sure how I got this lucky. Hes just about amazing. Yeah so we have our moments but in all gosh Im happy. Infact I am going over to his sisters in a few minutes. Tour de France time and yes we follow. Him more than I, but he is a competitive cyclist after all. He had a pair of races yesterday. The first one he did well on. Great time, the second he got a flat and decided to drop. Im proud. Hes just too good to me. I cooked for him and my brother Matt last night. Thursday I am cooking for those two and Paul. I am just the group cook I guess. I dunno. But I rather enjoy it. Well I am in demand again, So I gotta get! Later all!

Those of you that follow my blog will notice an absence. My baby sister also known as Munchkin. She has gone off to join the big dance. Her time in the United States Air Force began last Tuesday. We are all so very proud. She started her stay in boot camp in San Antonio, Texas. I miss her alot. But I am so very very proud. She is doing the things with her life I so desparately wanted to do at her age. I only wish that with this experience she learns so much more. She is a bright, talented and caring individual. I cant wait to see her in 5 weeks. Thats when we all load up, jump on a plane and go see her graduate. Im so very proud of the Munchkin. I miss her and ask every one of you to keep her in your prayers. Thank you guys for the continuing support. As the next few weeks pass I will try to inform every one on anything new we learn. Let yall know her progress. That is as we find it.

Indian Cave State Park

This grave touched me it was from 1912. The child burried there also died that year. They are going through and restoring all the graves they can.


On the walls of these caves are indian and nomad petroglyphs that are thousands of years old. I chose a few to share with every one!

I love how this particular picture inside of the cave makes me look so tiny! They used to dry meat through a natural chimney that is directly above my head. Over the years the parks service has stuffed large rocks in it so that the visitors didnt hurt themselves trying to slide around in it. Of course I went past the barriers to look.

This is just a great view of the walk way the parks service built for viewing the walls. I loved this area.


For some reason this pic of me is every ones favorite that we have shown these to. So I felt it only right to share with you guys as well!
If you look really close you can see the Missouri River back in the shadows. This was a view on the almost 4 mile hike we took at the begining of our day.