dealing with death

So its been a long while since I last sat down and wrote to anyone. Theres been so much going on lately that I have felt all turned around. Im feeling the stress of school really badly right now. I never realized all those years in high school how easy it all came to me. Now I feel like the dumb kid in class, but really thats only when he hands us a test and my brain goes completely blank.
I finally got to go home. However it wasnt under the most favored circumstances. My wonderful Uncle David died. He was a great inspiration and a very dear loved one in my life. He showed me one of the few stable men that I have ever really known. He stepped in when ever I needed some one far more than even I realized. He was always there when I needed some one to talk to and some how had this knack for just showing up at my home when I needed some one the most. I never knew how he did that but he always did. I think in my four years in high school that he may have gone to more of my school functions than my own dad did. Sad, right. Well thats just how he was. He always knew just how to make you laugh or how to make you feel better when you felt like total crap.
I remember this one time right before I moved away from Houston, I was at home alone for the weekend. He called to check on me and mom during the day one day. I talked to him for a bit then he said he would see me later. Well about two hours or so later he showed up. I think he knew I was getting a little depressed with my mom getting married and pending move. He sat with me for a few hours while we talked and he prayed with me. When Uncle David left I felt a sense of relief where I had felt a bit of emptiness. Not that it cured it, but he made sure that I knew that I was not alone. I really needed it.
Its memories like that, that make me wish that I had been closer the last few years. He was always stressing to me that family was so important. He always told me not to give up on my dad. I never have. I just reserve the right to be pissed. He would tell me that he wished there was more he could do. What I wish I could say to him now is that he couldnt have done more to make a lost girl feel more loved in a world where she was confused and lonely. There were so many other things that he and my Aunt Ramona did for us. They will never know how much I love them. Even if I call every day and tell her what he meant to me, what he still means to me.
No, I didnt call often. Hell almost never. But thats how I deal with the crap. When Im hurt, I ball up and do it else where. I have a very hard time grieving. Yep we put him to rest over a week ago and Im still having problems crying or putting those feelings in motion. I cant bring myself to cry. The most Ive done is a little bit of tear shed during a few songs. I feel like I cant do it. Like crying over him would be like the loss I felt with my Nana.
Over my Nana, I cried day and night. I would wake up in cold sweats then call my mom and cry for a few more hours. I was pathetic. I just dont know if I can go through that again. I had so much guilt over not being there or not calling that I just broke down. I still miss her so much that I dream about her. I dream that shes calling me to come to her, when I get there shes gone. Ive never been more torn over anything. Thats how death makes me feel. Torn. Now if only I could deal a little better, I would be able to move on.

I wonder...

She sits and stares out the window wondering if he will ever just grow up......

How is it I never know what to believe if it comes from him....

Why does the thought of not talking to him bother me but I cant answer the phone when he calls......

If he is in need why do I want to help but if I am the one in need he runs to hide.....

How can you know and trust some one your whole life then realize it may have all been a farse......

These are the things I wonder sometimes and things I have felt for a while when it comes to talking to or about my father. He is my father but why do I feel like he should just live his life and grow up rather than making the four of us crazy and worried all the time???

Eased nerves on one part

Well my biggest secret is out of the bag with the person who it mattered the most to know. I had some trouble saying it. He told me that I didnt have to tell him what it was that kept me from talking about dad. But I disagreed. I told him that if he really wanted to understand the way I am he had to know. That I promised to not keep any secrets therefore I needed to reveal the thing I keep burried the deepest in my closet. He was amazing about it. He could see how bad it hurt me and all. He just reached over and grabbed my hand and I spit it out. It took me a while. But he was great. He asked a few questions, which I expected. But in all he was more understanding than many of the people who have found this out have been. He put my nerves to ease rather quickly. We ended up having a very relaxed night. After my father joined my website though I knew I had to tell Adam. Not that hes a site member, but he does see pictures on it. Thats where I post all my pics. So now I have decided that the ones in there are more than enough to know anything. I will be taking it off my profile, and basically not giving that link out. Sort of like my other blog. The one no one else reads except two people. Im secretive sometimes. That ones my one to vent the things I wouldnt ordinarily write for the people who do know me to read. Though I do know that they love me. I just have to say things sometimes in order not to explode. Well anyways Im in a bit of a mood, so Im gonna get off here.

Sorted thoughts of the day

Honey Im home! Its taken a bit but Im back. I have had a busy life the last week or so. Ive seen Adam most nights, so thats kept me pretty occupied. Im sore and achy. Stupid to do a back flip with out stretching or even having done that in so many damn years. Will I try again? No! I hurt too dang much and that was on Thursday. No more horse play for Mandie.
Work was fun. I freakin forgot to clock out today so had to turn around and go back. Oh well Im not complaining. I got to hang out with my Evil pal. We talked about movies and such. Its what we do. And he picked on me for my recent activities. Paul is my Evil twin. Must tell him the full undisclosed information. Well anyways.
We are getting ready for some mad ball in the next week and a half. Yep the CWS is fixing to be in Omaha! I live for baseball. This is just the College World Series! I cant wait. If Hope is here for the 16th we are making a day of it out at Rosenblatt! Opening day concerts and such! Yehaw! Deirks Bently! Here we come! Moms gonna go with me even if Hope dont get her butt down here! But I really want her to be here! It will be fun.
Dad moved to Wyoming or something of the sort. He says its nice up there. I guess Im happy for him. He seems to call me more now than he did before. So maybe hes moved on with the idea of life he had decided I needed. But for the first time in almost a year he finally asked what happend with Toby. When I told him it was like he all the sudden wanted me back in his life. He was more interested in my life. You just dont know the pain I felt with my dad. I knew he loved Toby. But when I told dad how long the stuff he was doing had gone on, he couldnt believe what he was hearing. I guess he chose to ignore the fact that I had said it a million times until he could see the pain that it really inflicted upon me.
I was hurt, betrayed and emotionally scarred. I think my dad knows that now. It may be getting time to reveal more of my dad to Adam. I dont want him to think less of me though. My dads not the most socially acceptable person but I love him. Its just hard to share some thing like my dad with anyone. I just chose to keep my dad under protective wraps. Though I have a feeling every one I know just figured it out. Its hard to love some one that is not normal. But I love him anyways. I am a part of him. I dont know what I would be with out that half. So to accept me you must ultimately accept him.
Makes no sense to those of you who know nothing of my father. But I dont plan on telling more than that. I can think of three people who read this that arent related to me that know about dad. James, Kevin and Kristy. None else have ever been close enough to know my secrets. Hope understands the most. For shes the only sibling with this link. Shes my munchkin though. Having issues with dad, she knows exactly my feelings plus some.
Anyways I just really needed to let off the pressure. So since I am so sore I am going to go lay down for a bit. I am so dang tired its ridiculous.

What I wish I could say to my dad

It really pisses me off when my dad pulls his shit. He has a scewed sense of reality. I dont think the old man knows what love really is. He was never around when we were kids. Hes been around for Hope. But now hes all the sudden forgotten that hello 18 years ago he contributed in making that beautiful girl. But does he act like a parent, NO!!! Fucker all the sudden is obsessed with his damn girlfriend. Forgets hes got a kid. Damn him. You know Im not even mentioning that he hasnt acted like Ive existed unless its been convenient for him since Toby and I split. Im not gonna be with him. Forget it dad. Im not conforming to your damned bull shit of what you think I need. You never were there to guide me before, stop it now. I hate how you are turning my baby sister into an unhappy person. How you all the sudden decided that your kids dont exist. You are 54 years old. GROW UP!! Hope is not a maid. She is not a slave. She is a kid. She needs to live. She needs to feel love show it to her damn it!!! Stop saying shit about my mother. Shes a better parent when allowed to be one than you will ever be or ever have been. I dont say this cause I hate you! I say this because I am a part of you and I love you but you are a real shit head. I try to call you and you dont answer, I leave messages you dont return them. So I give up. Be a dad. For once in your life!!!! Act like the grown up! You are fixin to lose all your kids! From this one at least, respect is out the window. Earn it back. I dont hand out trust anymore. You lost mine. You have a very screwed up perception of love, life and reality. Start living the reality you have actually caused! Stop being a jerk!! I wish your mom could see you. She wouldnt be too happy! Get it right! Treat us like adults! Have respect for us! Stop being a dictator and be a father!

Hope and my Shit head dad

Ok well Im really worried now about Hope. I havent talked to her since Saturday night. She was at Christies then. I am really worried. I dont know what is going on or how to get ahold of her. Im kind of mad because dad has talked to every one but me. I dont care what he has to say but I am really worried about her. I love my baby sister. She is very special to me. She is one of the best friends I have. I dont like not knowing how she is or where she is. I havent heard anything in a few days. I know I already said that but I am really worried. My dad needs a harsh beating after this. He says he wont allow a teenager to interfere with his life. Excuse me but she is his responsiblity until the day that she graduates from high school. She is supposed to be his life. Since he got all wrapped up in this Pam woman I havent heard one good thing from any of my siblings. He wont return mine and Lisas calls. If we call and hes talking to Pam he wont answer. If we call he is off the phone as fast as possible so that he can talk to Pam. Excuse me but we are his kids. He has not one spec of time for us. My dad is an ass. I love my dad but he needs a serious reality check... Hope if you read this I love you!