Visions of White Dodges

Over the coarse of the night I had the same huge white diesel dodge pickup truck come threw my parking lot and sit four times. The damn thing was so much like Tobys new truck I just wanted to cry. The one time it about knocked the breath out of me.. Every time I start doing good something reminds me of him. Katherine asked me a ton of questions the other night. That about broke me. She wants him home for her birthday. What I cant make her understand that I cant do that for her. God I still love him. Why do I have to be the one to hurt? I want my life back. I want to stop being the shell of a person that I am currently. Any time a guy asks for my number I shoot him down. Like I am not single or something. But my heart still completely belongs to some one else and I am hurting. No matter what I say to myself I cant get past a future that was planned and ready to happen.. How is it that when you have something that is so perfect it can get screwed up in a blink of an eye? I have just about stopped sleeping until I am so worn out I have to sleep. Otherwise I am haunted in my dreams causing me to wake up crying. I know the people around me are worried but God what am I supposed to say? I am feeling alone, cast aside, and I have this deep rift in my heart and soul I dont that will ever heal... Mom keeps telling me that it does go away. That the pain will fade. That one day I will realize its gone. What if that never happens because he was the one true love of my life? I think I have been passed up for an opportunity that another woman took in such a short time that I just want to go lay in the middle of the road somewhere. I know though that I would not be doing anyone a favor with that so it would be a waste of time. Im so scared that now I will be alone for the rest of my life. You know I used to love bed time. Now I dread it. I know hes cuddled up to that woman and well I crawl in to an empty cold bed wishing he was here. I am so damned pathetic. I cant even get past a man that stomped on my heart and killed my spirit. Instead I find myself wishing it was all a bad dream. God I wish that my life would start looking up. I cant handle much more. I am on the verge of a break down. I am trying to drown out all the ideas of Christmas and Thanksgiving and painful lonliness. I just want to crawl in a hole...