Proud to be me

Well lets see. Where to start. My life is going well. I am loving it right now. Theres not much I would change at this point. I talked to Chana yesterday! Oh it was so nice to hear from my sister in law, even though hes not mine and nor do I wish him to be anymore. I feel bad for him almost. Toby has lost his ever loving mind. Poor guy. I know why he does it. He wants something I refused. I said no children til after I was married. He wanted them like yesterday at that point. So since we severed ties a year ago almost he has been engaged not only one nasty ho bitch but now two. You would think that he would have learned. This one is the very one who put his heart in a meat grinder and turned him into the hurt filled man he is and has been since he was a young man. Not that hes old. But when I met him they had been apart for about 5 years so we are gonna say around 10 years later (now) he is engaged to this woman he couldnt stand to hear the name of. Personally I cant say that she was my favorite person in those four years. My resentment for this woman was very immense. Until recently anyways. When I let go of all the resentment and hate that was there fore dragging me down. Yes Angela hurt him. He used it as his way to get out of commitment for a long time. It wound up taking a large peice of my mortality. I mean hello, I tried to put my car in to a guard rail, large tree, and drove in excess of 100 mph down dirt roads in the rain to try to hit something. I wanted to die. All because this man no longer wanted me in his life.
Well... Anyways I talked to pretty miss Chana. It hurt to know that her brother, who had my heart and soul for so long, is living the life that he should know better than to be living. But what am I supposed to say? Other than I just dont have the care to hurt anymore. I mean I guess in some way he was my first big love. So a part of me will always love him. Though I dont love him at all. Yet I prayed last night that God send him an angel. The one that will turn his life around. This man of such strong family value is no longer that. When we broke up he practically disowned them all. That wasnt right. Yes I realize they were hard on him on my behalf. They still are, and I love those women. They mean alot to me. What I wouldnt have given last summer to be the girl that was flashing that engagement ring around. But God spared me finding out after years of marriage and children that this man was not faithful. For this I should thank him, though I wish he could have just let me hurt so much less.
On behalf of the pain that was inflicted on my heart, I have hurt at least one great man in my life. James for this I am very sorry. I know I had trust issues. But when I lost you I lost more than just a man I was deeply in love with. I lost a friend whom I trusted more than anything. I wont say I dont still love James. I just have it in me now to not be in love. To be just me. Not rely on the man I am attatched to for strength. This I relied on you too much for. It was unfair of me to ask you to carry all that weight. But you were fair and just. Always making sure I knew that you loved me. I hope one day we will be as close as we were before the love entered the picture. I will never quite give up that hope.
Out of fear of hurt and attatchment I run and hide alot. Some one else has taken the place of that significant person in my life. Even though its not even really a relationship in that manner. I have come to look forward to my late night wake up calls, and my bouts of insomnia. I cant wait to tell him when something happens. He talks me like no one else really ever has. I thouroughly enjoy him. I know I make myself hard to be around, but he manages to sail right on through my bullshit. That takes alot. He makes me feel good about myself and sees through all the hurt and gives me honesty. Hes blunt when need be. That I need alot trust me! He worries sometimes when I get quiet. Because he, like many before him, has figured out that when Im too quiet theres probably something big on my mind. He will ask what it is. No matter what I say he gives me honest truth. I manage to make it through that deep personal moment with just that shove.
Then theres the friends I have made lately. Paul, my evil new big brother. Who says lets sit and talk. Tell me all about the new events in your life. I fill him in on everything. He laughs and tells me im a mess. Then gives me his take. I do the same with him. Krys and Kara, My girls. Krys tells me what she thinks but from a perspective that is unlike anyone elses. She has been there and through just about everything taht is hurting me inside. I love her for this. Kara is my girl. Shes at work. We sit and talk and open up. I love having girls. I always had more guys.
My life is going in that proper direction. For the first time in a long time I can honestly say I am proud of who I am becoming. Where life may take me I dont know yet, but I know that Im making decisions for me now. Not for the man in my past, like I did all those years.