I knew this would happen.

Seems Im not quite as strong as I have always thought myself to be. I always thought that I would be able to handle it if he called. Now I know hes getting close. I know hes trying to find me. I knew he had been asking around about me. But he called Kristy. Toby needs to leave me alone. Why does he think I want anything to do with him? Why doesnt he just forget my name and get on with his life. I have fought that battle already. I thought I had it won. But I lost sleep in a major fashion last night, wishing I had some one to talk to. I talked to Leigh Ann for a bit. Of coarse right now she is my go to girl. But Im still really picky about what anyone knows on my current emotional state. But I needed to really talk. I informed my family not to divulge my where abouts. Kristy told hers. I swear I will run off if he comes here. I will not allow some one who was so toxic to my soul to reenter my life in any form. Besides Im not in anyway wanting to explore the possibilities of pain again. Thats exactly what would happen. I dont know that I am strong enough to face him down. I just dont think I could do it. Not and be mentally and emotionally healthy in the end. The road to recovery with him was too hard. There are infact some areas I am still not recovered from. They destroyed the best thing that ever happend to me. I accept that responsibility. I know my insecurities killed the relationship I had with James. Im still tip toeing on thin ice with him. I feel as though I may permanently guard my heart now. Through no fault of his own, I hurt him and it ended up hurting me. I dont care how many times I tell him its not his fault I will always believe this was entirely my doing. No one can convince me other wise. I accept my part in it. I have to. Other wise what kind of friend and girl friend was I?