Residence of the Heart

They say home is where your heart resides,
So what if your heart never takes up residence?

If you fall in love with some one who says they love you,
But nothing ever comes of this love,
Does your heart really have a home?

How bout if two are in love,
But something keeps them apart,
Where does that leave their hearts?

So if home is where the heart is,
Where does this put the hearts always left broken?

Confusion on my part..

I find myself wondering about something. I told you I have alot on my mind. I showed it only to Kevin. Should I just agree with him and say screw you? I dont want to. Thats not in my heart. Actually Kevin didnt say for me to do anything. But if I know him thats what he was thinking. Im lost and confused. I am screwed up. I am on a mission to save not only me but him as well. Thats what you do when you love some one. Even if that love is not in a romantic sense. Its in the sense of I dont know where I would be with out the never ending support. Anyways on to the original confusion. I hate that every one reads more into me and Kevin. So Im not gonna go on with that.. I read something earlier. I was joyed to read it. But at the same time one little sentence threw me for a small loop. Im not discussing what it is. But I am lost in my own sea of bull shit. Im trying to live a life with out something I desparately want and need. But its of sentimental value and of my heart. For now I am just trying to not break and be the friend I always have tried to be but not always succeeded. I hate this whole love thing. Nothing about it makes sense. I need a break..

Road Kill Count Down

Ok so on our way home from Borger we played this game. All of our findings in this great research project are in the states of Texas, Oklahoma, Kansas and Nebraska. At points it was quite hilarious. Especially when there were three skunks dead in a row with in 25 feet of each other. But here is the count down from smallest to greatest number of dead animals...

Fox... 1
Deer.... 1
Squirrel.... 1
Prarie Dog.... 2
Possum... 2
Rooster... 2
Dog... 4
Cat... 5
Bird.... 7
Raccoon... 8
Only Identifiable by DNA (we gave up on that).... 12
Rabbit.... 16
And the most suicidal animal award goes too......
Skunk.... 43

Oh yes we were very occupied by this. I still cant believe we got two roosters. We all agree that since they were together, they were most likely the victims of cock fighting. But disposed of by being put in the road since this is illegal. The one raccoon we saw was the size of a freakin medium sized dog. It was huge! Anyways we all agree that skunks are some suicidal bastards. Now we have to find a new game for the way back next Saturday...

Today...

Oh I got a whole ton of shit on my mind tonight. Nothing really too big. Im nervous about my interview tomarrow morning. Have to call back another lady about an interview. So thats another potential one. But Im gonna see how this one goes in the morning before I do anything about that. Since it is the one of the two I would like to have the most. I like the idea of working some where that I can dress really nice for every day.
We played uno tonight. Didnt think the last round was ever gonna end. We almost had no cards to pull from. But it was hilarious. The obscenities being flung were funny. The best was when Bill called Hope a skank. That was too good.
Mom, Chris, Sarah, Hope and I went to the mall. Ok I know how old I am but I still tried on prom dresses for the fun of it. They all have Senior prom this year. I came running out in a really cool black and white number. Sarah said they need to get me a prom ticket. Im like dood Im 23 that aint happening. But anyways.
The trip went well. I still have an interesting road kill report to make. I just have to go get my findings up stairs. That entry is very promising in the funny factor. We had a blast with it. Anyways I am gonna go get that and make that report... Lata!

You know who you are.

I wonder some times about life. I wonder what it would be like if I could go back and change some things. I can think of one thing in particular I would have devoted alot more time to in a way that was totally opposite of the time I did spend on it. Cause most would say I spent the majority of my time on this. Well I am just gonna leave that can of worms closed. My dearest friend called me tonight. The call was rather disturbing in that we said things that were real. So that there was honesty not that there isnt always. But for the first time in forever I was truly scared of the road my friend has chosen. He deserves so much more than he is being given. I hate that he is feeling the way he is. Lord knows if it were up to me he would never ever know the pain he is feeling. Yes I know you are reading this. But its nothing I havent ever told you before. My life is enriched by the mere presence of this friend. I totally regret the year that was lost. The year that we did not talk. Sure I know that was alot my fault. I am hard to deal with at times. I am moody, bitchy, and sensitive. But through out all of that and all of the bullshit, he has always been there for me. Now I just want him to know that the favor is ready to be returned. I will be a better friend from now on. And I am dead serious when I say I will do what ever it takes to let you know that you are of value to at least one person in this world. You are worth more than anyone is giving you credit for. There is a soul deep inside of you that is just more wonderful than any of those people, myself included, deserves to catch a glimpse of. You have far more talent than is shown, but guess what I know you like the back of my hand. I know its there. Oh and yes I will think about getting some of my work to a publisher. Your encouragement means more to me than anyone in the world. Thank you for it. I dont know what I would do with out you some times. I dont know how I ever made it with out you pushing me. Now Im going to bed. But keep in mind what I have said. ANY TIME you need a friend or some one to listen or just to talk Im here. Dont ever hesitate. Love you!

If I Have To

If I have to call you and tell you every day,
I will do just that to ensure that you know you are valued in this world.

If I have to send you an email every time I sign on my computer,
Just so that you know some one really cares for you,
Well then that is what I will do.

If I have to sit in a room with you and never say a word,
All I would do is listen,
So that you know you are important,
Then that is my goal in life.

If I have to reach out and grab your hand so that you will not fall,
I will be there to catch you,
That way you know I will always be your rock.

If I am frail and weak but you still need a friend,
I will pull all my strength together just to sit next to you,
For you to feel like you have a place in this world,
I will do my best to make sure you know you have that friend in me.

If you ever feel unwanted or unloved,
I will show you the love only a friend can show you,
I will do this just to let you know that you are needed and you are a vital part of my life.

Even if the rest of the world never understands our bond,
I will be here for you day or night,
Rain or shine I will be your best friend.

If one day I grow old and am ready to leave,
I will spend that last breath letting you know that you enriched my life in a way I can not fully explain,
So that you know you were always the only thing that ever made sense in my life.

If you ever need a place to run and hide,
Know that I will be just that for you,
Always caring to be at your side.

**our talk tonight made me do alot of thinking. you are special and I could never ever replace you. not even if God took my memory, you would find a way back in my world. you have withstood the many pains that have come and gone from my life. now in your time of need and pain, I want you to know my roots are firmly planted. and you are the only person who can read this and know exactly what is going in to this. you are the only one that can read this and not read something more into it. but every word is true. you and your friendship are more to me than just companionship. its a sense of knowing that some one else is just as confused as i, but at the same time can open my eyes to every thing else. lots of love.

Job Interview!

Ok I got great news! I was out running errands earlier. My cell rang. I saw a number I didnt recognize but answered it any ways. I been getting calls for some one else. Well the guy asked for Amanda. So I knew it was something good. Turns out an Escrow and Title company here in Omaha got my resume and liked it. So I have a job interview on Monday morning at 9:00 am! I am so excited. I really am ready to get back to work. I hate not working. It leaves me with a feeling of insecurity. You just dont even know how uncomfortable it makes me. My dad was always working then for periods of time he wouldnt. So I am money concious. I hate that. I can tell you down to the penny how much my checking account has in it. Thats sad. Cause I know at all times. Im a cautious spender. Which is a good thing. I tend to splurge on occassions. But if I get that job on Monday I am gonna splurge on this pair of boots I found! I want soo bad! But anyways pray for it all to go well! I want a job!!!

Him and Her

Some nights she cant sleep,
On those nights she wishes he were there for her secrets to keep.

There are nights when he wants to hear a familiar voice,
Thats when he picks up the phone just to hear her warm greeting.

It seems as though they depend on each other for truth and security,
Yet love is something neither has found.

More often than not he has been her hero,
For this she can never thank him enough.

She has been his harshest critic always honest and ever true,
This always brings him to reality at the precise moment he needs it the most.

Each ones happiness depends on the happiness and contentment of the other,
Yet love is not in their lives thick stack of cards.

A young girls dreams.

There are a few things a girl dreams about her whole life. The biggest on the list is her wedding day. This is the one day all eyes are on her. From an early age she dreams of that dream wedding. She plays with sheets and her moms high heels. Or if she is like the young girl that I once was, she uses her moms prettiest night gown to play wedding. Then even though they are way too big, the white high heels and all kinds of jewelry. Ok so I out grew that years ago, but as a young woman I still dream of that magical day I tell everyone will never happen. Sadly enough I have been to the point where I started very seriously planning that day and it never happend. I was informed that he had a ring and my fathers blessing. Excitedly I began looking at dresses. I knew what I wanted. Actually we had discussed it several times. An elegant wedding near the water. A flowing, strapless white gown, that I still say one day I will get a gown much like. Then cold reality set in as he began acting strange. He had been carrying that ring around for 5 months when I got the knowledge he had placed my ring on the hand of another woman. Even now almost a year after our split I can conjure up so much pain and anger based on the way I felt when I found that out. SO once again Im that silly little girl who can only dream. This time though it is through my two best girl friends. I hope that one day I can find a love that will endure all the hard times and never gives up on me. A love I can trust to stand when the winds are harsh and reaches to the highest points. This love will save me from heartache and teach me to be the person I know is in me. A love that makes me complete in every sense, not just in a young girls dreams.

Ever notice that my blog is basically about love and lack of it??

Frequently I put myself in a position where love is an important factor in my life. Unfortunately I get stomped on in the process. I never quite get it right. Though I can only say I have loved three men in my life. Which I feel may be quite alot for my age. I fear though that what will end up happening is my life will be a collage of love that I have given and rarely been given. I fear I will offer more than any man will ever give me. Its sad to know that but I really do feel that way. I feel as if the world got love and I got none. But hey thats how it goes. Seems my blog consists of lost of woes when it comes to love. Do I ever really point out the things that I have experienced love wise that made me happier than anything in the world? Yes but rarely. I dont wanna embarass any one with the things that I hold to the most sentimental and sacred memories in my heart. I say that because the memories I hold most valued are ones most will look at me and laugh at. Stupid little things and sappy moments. The little comments and small gestures. Seems once again that the biggest love I have been given is by some one whom has never failed me. But I am the one this time with nothing to give in return. Thus hurting them. I feel like a heel. One day I swear to God I will get this love thing right. Hopefully it will be before I spend my life alone and cold. Thats what Im turning into right now is a lonely, cold and bitter person.

The night was cold and still,
The only sound she could hear came from the clock on the wall.

Night time is hardest for her,
It is when she misses him the most.

She sits in the closet where his clothes fill the air with his scent,
In there she can still imagine that he is coming home.

Her heart is broken by the knowledge that he wont be home,
Yet this is all so surreal.

For now all she can do is wish the hurt will end,
Then her heart can once again learn how to feel.

She wonders

How would life be if she just packed up and left?
Would he even care or notice she was gone?
They have been together so long,
Yet it seems as though they have become strangers.
A sparkle is in her eye no longer,
And he doesnt rush home to be with her.
Once they were happy,
Nothing in the world could bring their love down.
She sits here staring at her suitcase now,
Wondering where it would lead if she just walked away.

She woke up one morning to find she was alone. Normally she was the first to awaken. With some curiousity she began to dress and ready herself for the day ahead. Upon finishing her morning rituals she went into the kitchen. On the refrigerator was a note. In his handwritting it read:
Miranda~
I never wanted to hurt you, but I didnt know how else to do this. Time will heall all this. I hope you can understand I need to leave to find out who I really am. Though I will always love you, I am not happy. I hope life gives you good things. I am not that for you. Even though we have had good times, you deserve much more. You did not do any thing wrong. This is all about me.
~Aaron
She couldnt believe what she was reading. He was gone? She read the note several more times. This couldnt be real. They had been together for too long. She always thought he was the one. Now a year later Miranda could still feel the pain. Only because now he was trying to find her. All her efforts to change her life were working. She had phased him out. Then he started calling her friends. Now her life was stressed again. This time she was hiding. Allowing him to enter her life again could kill her. This is something she just cant allow. Her life is at a critical stage. Nothing and no one can penetrate it. Only time will tell if she is strong enough to deal. For now she lives life day to day hoping for no interruptions. Life presents amazing challenges, and she accepts every one of them.

partials

I think tonight I will post some partials. All song lyrics. But they all hit me somewhere or I wouldnt post them.

"Nothin bout love makes sense." LeAnn Rimes

"lately I've been winning battles left and right but even the winners can get wounded in the fight. People say that Im amazing, strong beyond my years. But they dont see inside of me Im hiding all the tears." Twila Paris

"We've gotten too complicated, way over rated.." Tim McGraw

"I cant go there thats just too much us. I cant go there I still feel your touch. Theres places in my heart and head that still feel empty as our bed. So most nights I dont even go up stairs. I cant go there." Kenny Chesney

"She wrote I feel just like that painting collecting dust on the wall. Every day you walk right by me and dont know Im there at all." Mindy Mc Creedy

"If being free's worth what you leave behind And if it's too late for love to change your mind Then it's goodbye time." Blake Shelton

"And he won’t let you fool yourself, You can’t hide one single thought, If you try you’ll just get caught When somebody knows you that well. " Blake Shelton

"We made it final today I gave you all I had, you made your get away all the love we once made turned to memories today " George Strait

"When I close my eyes You're all I see In the dark of night You're in my dreams Throughout the day You're easy to find You're always there When I close my eyes" Kenny Chesney

The way I felt

I looked out the window this morning,
The sun was still shining and the wind was still blowing.

Some how I had expected it all to cease,
All because my heart now has this big crease.

It seems as though everything should be still,
But that is not in God's will.

You're not really gone in my mind,
But I see now thats because my love was blind.

As I look around now I know that there is some one who has always loved me,
Although I was blind and never could see.

Through it all he stood there brave and tall,
Acting as my rock so that I could not fall.

Protecting my heart was his only mission,
But I never could see it as passion.

"Thats my friend" was all I would say,
When they would ask why I didnt love him that way.

Now I wonder that same thing myself,
And wish I could change the way I felt.

hmmm

It occurs to me all the things that I keep locked inside are things I allow no one to know. I have my two best friends that I tell everything to. Kristy and Kevin. Theres my Hope. Shes my other go to girl. But shes special cause shes my sister. The two of us share a very close connection. Shes my little angel sometimes. When I have a bad day I talk to one of the three of them. Get my questions answered from my three guiding lanterns. Then again theres Kevin and we drive each other nuts. But when I need the cold hard nasty truth, guess who tells it to me... Kevin. Right now Im going threw some things that I probably shouldnt have allowed to ever become a factor in my life. Im re-evaluating everything about me. I am finding out that life is made up of choices that sometimes we dont realize we made. Seems I havent been the best at making the choices that I needed to make. Ive picked one destructive road after another always thinking it was for the best. Not seeing that that road was the one that was gonna have me trip and fall some where along the way. I was asked the other day who I would have lunch with if I could pick any one person. I put down Kevin. Cause at this point I need one of those long talks that ends up with him slappin me in the forhead saying "see stupid what did I tell you?" Yeah I know sounds stupid but its true!

I would rather live a thousand years and know your love for just one day than to live an eternity with out ever knowing your name.

Purpose

Ive learned that God gives us people that contribute to our lives. Some of them hurt us, others make us happy. They all are put there to teach us a lesson in life though. Theres the love that every one experiences that seems perfect but in the end doesnt last. Then theres the loved ones who come and go so fast that you dont understand why they are gone. But they are all in your life for some purpose. I have learned that there are pivotal people in every life, some that make you laugh, cry, think, take a stand and some that make you believe. Every person you come across, no matter how brief the encounter, has a purpose. You may never see that purpose but it is there. Seems sometimes we accept a challenge and feel like we dont get any results. I have learned that we wont always see the outcome of the labor we have put into something. The end result is in some one elses life. Therefore we had a pivotal role in their lives with out ever knowing it. Ive learned that everything happens for a reason. If we went back and changed the out come of just one event in our lives we would come out with a totally different out come. Every decision you make, be it a conscious dicision or not, has a certain out come that is determined by that decision. I have learned that if you walk around thinking you arent good enough, that mentality is projected upon the world. Thus causing the rest of the world to believe you arent good enough either. All it takes is one persons edification and determination to make you feel good enough to make big changes in your life. This is how we grow threw other people. This is how we give each other purpose....

waking up

She woke up to the phone ringing,
When she answered all she heard was breathing.

This disturbed her so that she never returned to sleep,
She felt as if she had some vigil to keep.

When had her heart become so empty,
That she now had a life full of calamity?

She no longer could express how she felt,
To her life had cards and they had been dealt.

Fear consumed her so much that she was self destructive,
She could stop it with the right amount of courage and initiative.

These days though she just wanted to run away,
If only she could mold her life from new clay.

Every now and then she catches a glimpse of who she used to be,
Remembering life where happiness was all she could see.

Upon waking to a ringing phone,
She decides today she will claim that life she already owns.

No longer will fear consumer her mind,
Her troubles will be left far behind.

Tonight I Will Cry

Our eyes meet and I cant help but remember it all,
The midnight talks and all the calls.

For a moment it is then again,
I can almost feel my skin against your skin.

Life took all those unexpected turns and twists,
But I can still feel the way I felt when we first kissed.

Our lives are now worlds apart,
But looking in your eyes I can feel a tug at my heart.

After all this time and remembering the past,
I know our love wasnt meant to last.

Time may have made our love run dry,
But after seeing you today I know tonight I will cry.

Man I am feeling good tonight. Though Im not sure why. I havent done a damn thing. I havent talked to anyone other than Leigh Ann and Lisa. Im listening to my jams in the background. Im just feeling good. Waiting on my clothes to come out the dryer. Yep thats me. Plain and boring. Its supposed to be really nice tomarrow. YAY!!! It has been nice the last few days. Woohoo for the good weather. As soon as my stuff finishes drying Im gonna go do more domestic stuff. Wash the dishes. Ohhh fun huh. But I told my mom I would do them. Then Im gonna go take me a shower and get ready for bed! Boring huh. I dont care. Im settled. Its nice. Sure I got issues but who doesnt. Im a good girl. Haha! Ok Im out!

stuck in ma head.

Tell the song in my head to goooooo away!!!! "Natalie Wood gave her heart to James Dean" get outta my head!! I like the song though. I just heard it a few days ago and its been in my head since. Oh and top it off with a little Vince Gill.. "I been tryin to get over you, I been spendin time alone, I been tryin to get over you, But it'll take dyin to get it done." Oh what a winner. Then put that song that does the ""Ooooohhhh weeee" thing. My head is jam packed. Oh good gawd. The one on right now will be in my head now.... "Joy to the world all you boys and girls...." oh geeze. Some one stop the 8 track!! Goodness Im just a musical mess right now. Ray Charles has a few in there too. Then theres good old Jay Z. You should hear my voice mail message. Im singin the first line of one of his songs. Then Im like no Im just kiddin. Its funny. Hope said I am a moron. Goodness Im a fool. Im out again!

Dating.. why in the world would I do that?

Ok so today I dont feel so hot. Ive gotten finished with all my emails. Yeah ok at some point I start to feel like Dear Abby. But I dont mind it. Its nice when people ask for advice. Its nice when friends make you feel good. Its nice to get encouragment and feedback. I did a little of both tonight. Oh my stomach hurts!!! Ok Im done whining. But in all honesty it is nice to retain that friendship and still be able to pour my heart out and it be done in return. Im working on things that arent quite right in my life. Well tonights issue was dating.
So heres the skinny. With out giving too much up. I was encouraged to start dating again. Im just not sure its worth it. I mean hell one day yes. But Im just not sure about dating. I mean hello I manage to totally screw up all the time. Im moody, totally fly by the seat of my pants, would rather go to a museum than a club 99% of the time. Im not the ideal girl for any guy unless of coarse he doesnt want to have sex. See I gave that up so yeah. I decided that I had my nice 4 year disaster with Toby, it was totally a sexual thing if I really get down to brass tacks. I never want a relationship that sex is so totally the basis of anything again. So hey hey sex will happen again after Im married. Sorry to disappoint anyone. This summer that was up for debate amongst my friends. Nice guys. They took bets. Guess who won??? ME! Nope. Nothing happend. I had opportunity just no will. Ok enough back to the other stuff.
In all seriousness, Man-d. You SHOULD date. What's wrong with it? I have several reasons that I don't, but none of those reasons are " I shouldn't" or the ever so pathetic and thin excuse of "I'm not ready"--- you're NEVER ready, noone is.
There is the advice. Word for word. Umm sorry there James if you didnt want me to share that. It is way too true. But dood why??? Should I really put myself back out there then screw up again? Lets see.... Im thinking no. Oh Im gonna pay for that I can tell now. Yes this is the same James who I am stupid over. But hes one of my confidants when I set every thing else aside hes always gonna be there cheering me on. No matter what I say or how stupid I am. There he is. But then again hey he tells me when Im stupid or throw the shit into the fan when its wrong. I soo should never have allowed anything to happen between us. But I guess it happend for a reason. I love the fact that we are getting back to normal again. You know the normal before October 19th. Yeah before there was anything other than two weird ass friends who talked way too much about shit no one should talk about. There ya have it. Truth.
Anyways Im out. I dont feel good as I mentioned earlier. Talk later!

Count Down to Baseball!

Ok so alot of Spring training openers today! I watched Pitsburgh and the Yankees. Tie game. Ehh good start I guess. The Braves walked on my Astros. Good thing I wasnt watching. I try not to get too mad during spring training. Its what happens after the season starts that counts. No need in getting all mad just yet. Ohh I cant wait though. Home opener April 4th against the Cards! Hopefully it will be on Espn or something. It was standard tv back home in Texas. But this is a different market, different teams to support. But we are pretty close to St. Louis so maybe I will get lucky???
OK theyare predicting a May1, 2005 return for Berkman. Not good. Damn we need him. Pettitte is still on injured. Dood its time to nut up and get back on the field already. Clemens, Roy O and Lidge cant do all the work..
Still trying to decide whose gonna get to start majority for second base. I say put my boy Biggio on and call it even. What about Mike Lamb? Wheres he starting at? Is he starting? Gotta look that up. Backe are you ready to play hero? Only time and the opener will tell. Oh I just cant wait. It is only a month away! Plus one day as of right now! But thats not counted. Days almost over!
Lets all do our happy dance! Baseball is back! Time to get down to business! This is my time of the year. This is like my second religion. My big focus on the outside world! Go Astros!!!

Look At What Ive Done By Chris Cagle

I saw it in her eyes when I was sayin' goodbye
That girl, she ain't gonna be alright
'Cause I could tell that she'd be goin' through a livin' hellAnd I,
I wouldn't be there by her side
And Lord I felt so bad as I sat and watched her cry
Thinkin' I was movin' on and she was barely gettin' by
Look at what I've done to her
Look at how I made her feel
I gave back her heart the broken part
She got the raw end of the deal
And look at what it's done to me
You gotta know it tears me up
I gave it everything I had and Lord
It just wasn't enough
Hurtin' her like this seems so wrong
Yeah look at what I've done to her
Now she's alone
I saw her out last night and she was havin' a good time
That girl, it looks like she's doin' fine
But then I saw a man walk up and take her by the hand
And I, oh God I almost died
And then it hit me she didn't really need me
I just sat there for a while until I finally smiled
Yeah look at what I've done to her
Look at how I made her feel
She's found somebody new
And look who took the time to heal
And look at what it's done to me
Gotta know it tears me up
To have walked away from the love we made
And just leave it in a cloud of dust
And now it's got me thinkin' maybe I was wrong
After all the things I've done to her
Now she's strong
And I walked up and said hello
She said it's good to see ya
But hey I gotta go
And look at what I've done to her
Look how I made her feel
She's standin' tall she's got it all
Got the world at her heels
And look at what it's done to me
Yeah look at how it makes me hurt

It was a Friday night,
They were the only ones at home.
So they seized the moment of privacy,
Went to buy the test.
Upon returning home,
She went immediately to the restroom.
He stood at the door asking if she was ok,
Not knowing the results she was staring at.
Slowly she turned the knob,
Handed him the test.
It was positive,
Now it was all gonna change.
Life would be different,
Totally different.
They lived in a private bliss for a few months,
Revealing their secret to none.
It would be the news to be given after Christmas,
They werent ready to have notice.
Just one week into the new year,
She began to hurt.
The pain was excruciating,
But she refused to see a doctor.
She wanted her mother,
So he allowed her to wait.
By the time she got there,
It was too late.
They learned a hard lesson,
And began to slowly drift apart.
For years now she has mourned,
Leaving her scarred emotionally.
Children haunt her dreams,
But she knows now it was not meant to be.
He wasnt right for her,
This loss was in the long run for the best.
Even though it seemed harsh,
She now lives again.

Questions

Ever feel so disconnected from life?
Ever just want to throw in the towel?
Ever feel like just running out into the night and not coming back?
Ever ask yourself why you are here?
Ever sit in a room full of people and feel totally alone?
Ever have so much guilt inside you, even though you did nothing wrong?
Ever contemplate what life would be like had you never been born?
Ever wonder how you affect the people around you?
Ever think about if love is real?
Ever wonder if you will ever get the chance to experience it?
Ever think about your life and why it is the way it is?
Ever feel as if you could care less?
Ever think life really couldnt possibly be worse?
Ever imagine a life where you were actually happy?
Ever question your own sanity?
Ever just want to scream the injustices of the world to some one who knows nothing but the best?
Ever just have a hundred questions but no answers?

i hate

i hate the way your presence commands attention,
and how my heart melted when you smiled.
i hate how i pick up the phone to call,
then set it back down in fear of actually hearing your voice.
i hate how my feelings refuse to change,
no matter what i read or hear im still in love.
i hate how i cant just be angry at you,
i feel the need to fix it.
i hate how i know i will love you always,
meaning im totally ruined for other men.

Good Bye On A Bad Day

(Shannon Lawson/Alan Peters)

You slipped off your wedding band
And tucked it deep inside my head
Forced a smile and headed towards the door
And as you walked out,
I heard you say
"Things just haven't been going our way"
And I don't love you anymore"
Now,after the day I hadI could have done without that

I'd rather watch the house we built
Burn to the ground
An stand out in the pouring rain
Let the good Lord strike me down
Than to sit here and watch you walk away
Anything would be better than your goodbye on a bad day

I've seen that look,
I can always tellIt means
"Stay away from me and go straight to hell"
That's exactly where I'll be when you're gone
And after a day like this,
my whole world's gone

I'd rather watch the house we built
Burn to the ground
An stand out in the pouring rain
Let the good Lord strike me down
Than to sit here and watch you walk away
Anything would be better than your goodbye on a bad day

Oh,you're the one thing I have left
When the whole world holds me down
Now,how can I keep going when you're not around?

I'd rather watch the house we built
Burn to the ground
An stand out in the pouring rain
Let the good Lord strike me down
Than to sit here and watch you walk away
Anything would be better than your goodbye on a bad day
Oh,oh,ohOh,oh,oh

I wont lose this time.

Some times the pain is too much. I think I wont get threw. But guess what I always do. I dont know how some times, but I do it. So why cant all the heartbreak and pain go away now? It would be nice if the past would stop following me around like a lost puppy dog. I once surrendered my heart and soul to him. Its gonna be a long time before I can regain control of my heart. But I did that. I own that. I believe it is important to own your problems. I own that problem above most. I am tooo easily affected. My "affection" is that I see the good in some one, ignore the bad and get fucked up and hurt. I see what exactly is not right, but I chose to believe it cant touch me. I alluded pain for four years. Now the crap has snuck back up on me. I allow this to penetrate my entire life. I cant get past my pain. I add new pain to it. One day I will be a whole person. But will I ever be fulfilled? No probably not. I know what I want. I know I cant have it. I know not how to get it even if I could. I am being lied to by some one I love. They just dont know I caught on. They dont know I can show them the proof. But I refuse to lose. I will hold my chin high and play nice. I will not lose....

I knew this would happen.

Seems Im not quite as strong as I have always thought myself to be. I always thought that I would be able to handle it if he called. Now I know hes getting close. I know hes trying to find me. I knew he had been asking around about me. But he called Kristy. Toby needs to leave me alone. Why does he think I want anything to do with him? Why doesnt he just forget my name and get on with his life. I have fought that battle already. I thought I had it won. But I lost sleep in a major fashion last night, wishing I had some one to talk to. I talked to Leigh Ann for a bit. Of coarse right now she is my go to girl. But Im still really picky about what anyone knows on my current emotional state. But I needed to really talk. I informed my family not to divulge my where abouts. Kristy told hers. I swear I will run off if he comes here. I will not allow some one who was so toxic to my soul to reenter my life in any form. Besides Im not in anyway wanting to explore the possibilities of pain again. Thats exactly what would happen. I dont know that I am strong enough to face him down. I just dont think I could do it. Not and be mentally and emotionally healthy in the end. The road to recovery with him was too hard. There are infact some areas I am still not recovered from. They destroyed the best thing that ever happend to me. I accept that responsibility. I know my insecurities killed the relationship I had with James. Im still tip toeing on thin ice with him. I feel as though I may permanently guard my heart now. Through no fault of his own, I hurt him and it ended up hurting me. I dont care how many times I tell him its not his fault I will always believe this was entirely my doing. No one can convince me other wise. I accept my part in it. I have to. Other wise what kind of friend and girl friend was I?

Its Gettin Better all the Time By Brooks and Dunn

I don't stop breathing every time the phone rings
My heart don't race when someones at my door
I've almost given up thinkin' your ever gonna call
I don't believe in magic anymore.
I just don't lie awake at night
Asking God would get you off my mind
It's getting better all the time
It's getting better all the time.
Yeah, I got to work on time again this morning
This old job is all that I got to live
And no one even noticed I'd been crying
At least I don't have whisky on my breath.
Yeah, I think I'm gonna make it
'Cause God won't make a mountain I can't climb
It's getting better all the time
It's getting better all the time.
God, I hope your happy
Girl, I wish you well
I just might get over you
You can never tell.
I always thought that I'd do something crazy
If ever saw you out with someone else
But when the moment came last night
I couldn't say a word,
I stood there in the dark all by myself.
Yeah, I could of said a million things
All I did was keep it locked inside
It's getting better all the time
It's getting better all the time.
It's getting better all the time...



**** Maybe just maybe thats true. I know thats true for one part of my life. Now to fix the rest....

Trapped

Outside it was cold and raining,
Ice forming on the roads.
She knew it wasn't smart to go anywhere,
But she felt trapped at home.
Her nerves were on end,
The city was calling to her.
Grabbing her keys,
She left the house.
Cautiously she navigated the roads at first,
Then she started getting careless.
With the way she had been feeling lately,
She didnt care what happend.
Driving too fast for the weather,
One wrong turn was all it took.
He knew something was wrong hours later when he heard knocking on the door,
She wasnt home.
All he heard was them saying "I'm sorry."
The rest was a blur,
Never again would he see her.
Outside it was cold and raining,
Ice forming fast on the roads.
She knew it wasnt smart to go anywhere,
But she felt trapped at home.

Making Sense of Life

In the end it will all make sense,
Right now life seems abstract.

Each day like the pieces of a puzzle,
One day they all fit together to form the bigger picture.

What it all comes down to is how we spend it,
Constantly making sense of life.

Then it is evident,
Life isnt supposed to make sense.

On Love

There is a vital moment in everyones life when they choose to fall in love or not. There is that moment where they choose to take that crucial step, putting their heart on the line. They either take that leap of faith or remain in denial, afraid they will be allowed to have their heart break. But for those who run blindly towards that prize, it is they who really live. It is those who say: "it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all." As for me, my feelings are still mixed. Ask me on my death bed and then I will tell you if my broken heart was ever worth it.

Compliments that made me feel good.

Some one whom has been a harsh critic to me since I made a mistake back during the summer paid me a huge compliment earlier. We were doing something in a site I belong to with some friends where you list 10 things you hate about yourself, 10 things you love about yourself then put the things you love about the people that are around you. Basically with in that site. Well I put that I admired the way she could speak her mind with out caring who she pissed off. Hell Im so worried about hurting others that I cant do that. She did hers. Well next to my name she put this; Mandy: For taking a chance or two in life and learning how to move on.
That may not seem like a compliment but trust me from her it is. It made me feel good. Considering she knows nothing of the things I am putting my heart through at the moment. Then Liz put some thing too. Mandy: i love the way you let no one change your mind .. yur willing to find out on your own .. even when you get hurt in the end ... trust me some lessons are worth learning the hard way .... I never realized they all see me as this strong person. To be totally honest Im not. Im just as fragile as the next. I fall apart alot. I am peiced together right now. The adhesive has not dried yet. Only time will tell if it ever does.

Cold Reality

Theres a cold reality to an empty bed.
This reality is the one that screams at me the most.
After having gotten used to having a warm body next to me,
I face each night with lack of interest in sleep.
Theres no security in sleeping alone,
But theres only peace when its shared with some one you love.
I have learned that the best rest is achieved when I feel safe,
Safety doesnt feel secure when the place next to you is cold.
Sleeping on the couch is more peaceful than returning to the bed I once shared with him.
Knowing that I am vulnerable upon closing my eyes,
Sleep comes fitfully.
Theres a cold reality to that empty bed,
It says I am alone in this world.

Her Questions

Afraid and alone,
Her heart feels empty at times.
More often than not she cries,
Thoughts of him drive her crazy.
No longer knowing what to do,
She closes her eyes.
She dreams of a day when it all seemed perfect,
Now doubting her decisions.
Her love is unchanged,
It is still holding strong.
His is the one she wonders about,
Where does his heart lie?
She has questions,
Yet not the courage to ask.
Her heart is fragile,
She fears the answers.
For he is the one she could not bear to lose.

untitled.

After one day he missed her already,
"I'll be home soon,"
Was what she said.
Little did they know,
That these words were her last to him.
His world fell around him when he got the news.
She was coming home,
This time the reunion would be sad.
Never again would he see her smile,
Or hear her laugh.
Their only meetings now would be in dreams.
He still visits her,
Wishing she were here,
Always asking how this could be real.
Forever his heart needing to heal.

* This is for some one that I am friends with. I actually wrote it on 1-07-05. This time of year is hard for him. So this is dedicated in memory of a girl I never knew. Natalie Jo. I had planned on giving this to him. But in her honor I post it for the world. I hope if he reads this he likes it. I put alot of thought into it.

The Joslyn

Mom, Bill and I went to the Joslyn this morning. Thats the Art Museum in Omaha. Anyways it was rather neat. We are talking about going next weekend too. The exhibit I wanted to see was closed. So yeah I have an excuse to go back. Truth is though I could go every weekend and find something new every time. I love those things. Mom stayed either a few steps behind or infront of Bill and me. We were being "critics" today. It was funny though. The Degas was the best though. It was the young dancer. Oh I have always loved that one. But I never knew I would get to see it. Then there was mine and Bills favorite section. The Native American art. Trips us out though that there was this clay jar and of coarse they feel the need to put a sign next to it that says JAR. Um duh.. No we thought it was a lamp shade. Some of the pictures were cool too. Bill and I cut up threw the whole thing. We had a good old time. But I have to say there is a guy that works there. HOT HOT HOT HOT HOT. So hmmm maybe I acted a little snobby today but he grinned. So we can always play this game. I like the pursuit alot more than the catch. Some times innocent flirting and imagination is good stuff.

Just For By: Nickelback

I want to take his eyes out
Just for looking at you
Yes I do
I want to take his hands off
Just for touching you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Regret life since the day he met you
Yes I do
And I want to make him
Take back all that he took from you
Yes I do
And I want to rip his heart out
Just for hurting you
And I want to break his mind down
Yes I do

Heartache

Skeptical is the heart that is forever broken.
Left in ruins and wishing for revival,
This heart beats in slight pulses.
Untrusting is the heart never allowed to heal.
In peices jagged as glass,
Yet it some how remains to beat.
Waiting for the final blow is the heart who knows only pain.
Ever suspecting that this one will be the last,
Always finding that it will be broken again.

A few words.

A few words from him was all it took,
The walls so carefully constructed came falling down.
Although her heart wasnt ready,
She went in with the whole of that tattered heart.
She came out with hurting,
But that heart had begun to heal.
Now she is keeping it all inside,
Her heart needs to heal completely.
A few words from him was all it took,
Her walls were reconstructed and reinforced.
Now she misses her friend,
But misses the love more.
To think just a few words healed her and killed her.

No More.

Upon opening her eyes she realizes she doesnt recognize anything around her.
Sure its a place shes been most of her life,
But its like a foreign entity has taken over.
This morning her life has a new meaning,
Her whole personna is changed.
She looks through the window to see everything in a new light.
As of this moment she makes a vow,
No more pain for her life.
It will either affect her positively or not at all,
She gives no other option to her heart.
In order to survive she must be strong emotionally,
No one else shall ever tear her down.
This way she never has to awaken to recognize nothing around her again.

Oh the mystery of Me.

I have my good days and my bad days. Today its all been weighing on me. I talked to Hope earlier. She was funny. I know how alone I am. It is possible to be alone when you have people who love you around every corner. This I am finding out the hard way. On the surface and all the places it really counts, I am happy. Truely happy. On my personal level Im still on that emotional thrill ride. Good way to put it huh. I picked up the phone to call a friend who shall remain nameless. Immediately I knew I couldnt go threw with it. I would have froze up upon hearing that voice. The past tends to bite me in the ass on occassion. Thats my peice of it for today. I hurt the ones I love with my version of my personal truth. I know that the wait they all go threw to have a glimpse of life with me is not worth it. So on a normal basis I tell them that. But then my heart stupidly involves itself. I should really put a muzzle and a leash on that damn blood pumper. Thats what gets me hurt anyways is taking it off. Letting it out to play. I place my feelings on a table to be evident, its ok for a while. Then BOOM! Theres a mess. That was infact my heart exploding. The breaking of it was so loud you would have had to been deaf not to hear it. No Im not talking about anyone in particular. So stop that. Stop thinking it. Im speaking in general. My heart never healed when Nana died, never healed with Toby. James is just a little added to it that I dont really want to elaborate on. My feelings may never change where he is concerned. But they will stay well in check and burried in order for me to maintain what means most to me, his friendship. I could have stopped all this before it ever started. I could have left it all unsaid. But now that I cant take any of that back, why should I deny it? I will tell you why I wont and why it will stay unspoken to the masses. I would rather have my dear friend and confidant for the rest of my life than have an old love that I feel disgust for. Plain and simple thats just how it is.

Socially Unacceptable

Ever sat and listened to a song and even though you have heard it a hundred times, it captivated you. All the sudden it had meaning to you. The way the person singing feels about the person they are singing about is suddenly screaming at you that it is exactly the way you see some one else. Even if they are some one you probably will never have again. Or never have for that matter. Doesnt really matter. Its just a song I have loved for no particular reason was on a bit ago and I could put myself in it. I could look and say wow. Like you know no matter how things turn out that will always be my mindset on him. "I cant see how you will ever be anything but mine..." Wow. Im pathetically depressing at times. Yes I know its true. But I can normally tell you everything going on around me. But while that song was on I was lost in another world, in a small set of nothing but wonderful memories. Memories that as long as I live I will never ever want to lose. My life is so easily expressed in lots of music and poetry. So why cant I seem to get it right? Im working on it. I figured something out though. Its my turn to wait. Its my turn to show love through undying support. Then maybe just maybe one day things will be the way I know in my heart they should be. I sound like the eternal sap, but I dont care. Theres a beauty to these blog things ya know. I can write what I want to. There will never be a single soul to tell me that I am wrong for it. And if they do, I dont care. We all have to have an outlet for our feelings, greif, happiness, guilt, creativity or what ever else may come our way. This is mine. Sure I keep a personal, hand-written journal. I keep a poetry journal. I keep a creative writing journal. But this just feels more natural. My personal journal is kept confidential. Hope reads it. Thats cool but shes pretty much the only one. I just feel it is a way to leave a part of myself. I have three notebooks and am starting a fourth. They are for people that I love. Theres one for Hope, Carey, James and Kristys is getting ready to get started. The James notebook is on hold, for the direction of it has to change. Sadly though it can not be altered. I refuse to do that. So if some day his girl picks it up after Im gone and theres that undying professed love, she will just have to deal with it. I have lost too many people not knowing where their truth lie. Now I refuse to do that to these people. Careys is more or less a bit of inspiration for a young woman in need of it. Hopes is a labor of love, admiration and inspiration. Shes already read some of it. I need to really get to crackin on hers. Its part of her graduation gift. Though she knows all about it. Carey will get hers when its ready. James will get his when the appropriate time comes. Kristy on the other hand, hers is gonna take more time, energy and love than all of them. Shes my best friend. She is so much more to me than just a girl I grew up with. Shes my sister as far as I am concerned. Im missing a time that I would die to be a part of. But alas I cant. I wasnt there when she had Katherine. I missed most of the pregnancy. Im missing it all again. You dont know how bad that is killing me. In a time when I am feeling slightly left behind and alone, I feel a twinge of regret for all the love I have been apart of only to end up alone again. One day I will explain that. For now I am finding out that being my age and single is totally socially unacceptable. Trust me its pointed out for me. My older sister did it the other night. She didnt mean to but she did. Some lady at the store asked if I had a boyfriend. I said no, she said "oh honey Im sorry." HUH???? Am I missing something here?? Forgive me for being a freak with no love!!!

Going Crazy By: Natalie

Ever since the day you went away and left me lonely and cold
My life just hasn't been the same ohh baby, nooo
When I looked into your eyes the moment that I let you go
I just broke down (down)
Baby if I ever get the chance to be with you again
I would sacrifice
Cuz the feeling that I feel within
No other man would ever make me feel so right
Its nice to smile when I get your phone call at night
But I'd rather have you here with me, right next to me
I miss the way you hold me tight
[Bridge]
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world, for you I'd do anything
[Chorus 2x]
Thats right baby
I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you baby
Break it down now I'll tell you what I feel
From the moment that I met you its been so damn real
My heart seems to skip another beat
Every time we speak,
I can't believe I feel so weak
Tell me that you really need me and you want me and you miss me
And you love me I'm your lady
I'll be around waiting for you
I'll put it down be the woman for you
I'm falling so deep for you crazy over for you
I`m calling, calling out to you what am I going to do?
It's true and no fronting
Its you and no other i can no longer go on without you
I'll just break down (down)
[Bridge]
I gotta let you know I feel so weak without your touch
I never thought that I could ever love a man so much
I gotta let you know I think that we are destiny
For you I'd cross the world, for you I'd do anything
[Chorus 2x]
Thats right baby I'm going crazy
I need to be your lady
I've been thinking lately
That you and me, yes we can make it
Just ride with me, roll with me
I'm in love with you baby
Ohhh, ohhh....
Crazy... lady.....
lately.... Ohhh ohhh.....
Ohh ohhh ohhhhhh Baby...

Being nice for a change

Im diluted I know that. But bare with me. Im sitting here looking at a Brides magazine my mom bought me last spring. When Toby called and his friend Binky let it slip that he was ring shopping. Lets say I just like looking at the book. It was a failed dream. But hey a girl can still dream right? I put so much time and effort into that relationship. I just dont know why. I look back now and think about alot of it. You dont know how elated I was. Now I wonder what would have happend had I kept my mouth shut that night. Had I not cut him down to size. Though I with the things I know now, I am glad that its a distant memory. Now I know I am cruel and harsh. But there were good times. There were more good times than I let on. But the bad in the end over shadows it. I prefer to think of the good times. Like our first date. It was interesting and caused alot of speculation on the job. Or when I was going threw a state when we thought I had cancer, he would wake up at night to find I wasnt in bed. I would be next door with his best friend with the door wide open. That way he knew and so did every one else, that nothing was going on. But me and Eric would sit down watch a movie and eat. Thats how we did things. I would cry he would get the tissues. All was well. When I would fall asleep he would go take me back to our place and they would put me in bed. Yes those were good times. I remember the time he had been gone for a few months and I was so lonely but he told me he wouldnt be home til Saturday afternoon. I was so upset cause I didnt want to be alone. Then at 2 in the morning my phone rang. It was him telling me to go open the door. Low and behold there he was. I was never so happy in my entire life. Our first Christmas together, I mean together as in the same place. Which in truth was our second as a couple. I wanted a certain book. Everyone told him it was a stupid gift. But he got it for me. My eyes lit up when I opened it. But I will never forget that look of excitement when I gave him a this baseball glove. One he wanted but for some reason never got. See growing up his family was slightly poor. He played baseball but never had his own glove. So I got him that. Oh he and my brother played hours on end. It was incredible to see him turn into a teenager. I felt good to be a part of that. So yes, I am hateful at times. But there were some times when we were just so happy it was pathetic. But the last year was exactly that, pathetic. We both entertained ourselves with other things. Ignored each other, fought too much. I started living for the first time. Started partying. He didnt know my friends so it made him uncomfortable. Well I found out later that it was because he was off doing things with other girls. Well yeah all my friends save a few, were men. So I see why that would have made him mad. But I know now it was because he couldnt trust himself that he couldnt trust me. I never did anything with any of those guys. Trust me I had my chances. I had my opportunities. Nope. I remained faithful. I wonder sometimes what it is like to have such deep love that is shared by both parties. One day I hope to find that.

True By: Ryan Cabrera

I wont talk
I wont breathe
I wont move
till you finally see
That you belong with me
You might think I dont look
But deep inside
In the corner of my mind
Im attached to you
Im weak
Its true
Cuz Im afraid to know the answers
Do you want me too?
Cuz my heart keeps falling faster
Ive waited all my life
To cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I wont hide
Its time to try
Anything to be with you
All my life Ive waited
This is true
You dont know what you do
Everytime you walk into the room
Im afraid to move
Im weak
Its true
Im just scared to know the ending
Do you see me too?
Do you even know u met me?
Ive waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life ive waited
This is true
I know when I go
Ill be on my way to you
The way thats true
Ive waited all my life to cross this line
To the only thing thats true
So I will not hide
Its time to try anything to be with you
All my life Ive waited
This is true

*** Im not an eternal sap or anything. After all the low blows in love I have recieved I still genuinely believe in it. I dont think I am in line for it anytime soon or even ever for that matter. I believe though that if I am ever truly loved I WILL screw it up. This is how it goes for some people. For me, unfortunately, I am one of the unlucky. I find it, bad shit happens. Its over. If I get lucky its to be left with a friend. So far I have two exboyfriends that are friends. But the one I loved for the longest shall never be accounted for on that list. He took my heart and went fishing with it. He can bite me. Yeah I know being a bitch doesnt make life easy. It just makes it more complicated. But oh the contempt in my heart for that short ass jerk. Ok now Im just being tacky. Truth is most days I dont even care anymore. But some days I feel so unbearably alone that it is easier to focus that pent up frustration on some one. He is just the easiest target and that pain is getting up on 7 months old. I dont care anymore if it hurts anyone by me feeling the way I do about him. I laugh at his misfortune which I know is very cruel. But what can I say? What goes around comes around. One who sets out to hurt others will end up hurt. I hope he is learning that lesson with every new girl he screws.

Ever get to a point in life where you feel left behind? I get there sometimes. Im actually there now. Not that I feel insufficient for it but I have a bit of longing for the security that goes with it. My two best girl friends are getting married. Ones having another baby. Im still just me. I have nothing or none to go home to at night. Nothing in particular to look forward to. I realize its socially acceptable to be at the place I am at in life right now. But its not personally acceptable. I have no love left in my heart. Its all taken. I dont think I could fit another single soul or partial in my heart. Thing is I really only love a few people. The love I do feel is deep and emotional. Yet my heart aches. Im learning all over again how to see everything from a fresh prospective. I dont know where or how my heart will find this peace it so craves, but it needs to heal. I have so many wounds I have left untreated that it is pathetic. I am finding a new one daily. I need to be refreshed. But is that possible? Only time will tell. Im feeling a little out of sorts for this moment. Dont ask why, I couldnt explain it if I tried. Im just a girl with a soul still searching for a place to call home.