Frustrations Explanation..

Ok so the last entry shows some contempt and disrespect for my father. I love him, I know I sound harsh. For the most part him not being there for me and Lisa was because of his job. But hes gotten the chance to be there for Matt and Hope. Hes neglecting Hope right now. It really pisses me off too. You know there were times I wanted to just scream "Hey dad look at me!!" when I was a kid. But now its Hope. Shes litterally begging for the love and attention she deserves and hes lavishing it on some one else and forgetting shes around. Hope says dont blame Pam. But from my prospective, Pam is as much to blame for the recent bullshit as my father. She knows the problems. Instead of saying "Hey Dennis, spend some time with that girl. Give her a little time." She ignores the fact that she has caused him to forget he has children. He has three gorgeous daughters and a pretty cool son. But he doesnt care anymore. We all have always wanted nothing more than him to be there for us. Personally I always wished my dad was around more. I always wondered and still do what it is like to have a dad that is there. One that was there to actually do the things all the other kids dads did with them. My dad wasnt at my high school graduation, at my sisters wedding, or any of my dance productions. Yes he went to several of my performances during football season. But it never went past me that he was always there and telling me how great some one else was. Like German Villatoro, Stephanie Jayne Sumrall, or even Kevin. I dont remember him ever saying "damn Mandie you looked great out there." Or even a simple "you did good." Im hard pressed to remember any of that. I remember him being at my National Honor Society Induction. Only because I begged him to be there. But like I said any of my major accomplishments that I actually worked at so that it would be good or perfect my father was not there. He saw one of our Musicals that Lisa and I performed in. Then he complimented all the actors but not Lisa and I. My mom has been the one screaming the support since I was small. She went to every single little performance or honor that I was apart of. She went on all our trips, spent time at competitions, clinics and camps. She was always there saying "you did sooo good" or "hey you were a little off but you did great." My crowning achievement was when I was a Senior and I built sets, choreographed the entire play and was a singer in it. She was there before anyone else opening night to say "wow all that work was well worth every one of the late nights and effort you put into it." I guess this frustration for my dad has been building for a long time. But if I hadnt said it in here I probably would have let it out on him. I dont relish the idea of ever hurting him. My heart is bruised enough. So why would I do that to some one else??

What I wish I could say to my dad

It really pisses me off when my dad pulls his shit. He has a scewed sense of reality. I dont think the old man knows what love really is. He was never around when we were kids. Hes been around for Hope. But now hes all the sudden forgotten that hello 18 years ago he contributed in making that beautiful girl. But does he act like a parent, NO!!! Fucker all the sudden is obsessed with his damn girlfriend. Forgets hes got a kid. Damn him. You know Im not even mentioning that he hasnt acted like Ive existed unless its been convenient for him since Toby and I split. Im not gonna be with him. Forget it dad. Im not conforming to your damned bull shit of what you think I need. You never were there to guide me before, stop it now. I hate how you are turning my baby sister into an unhappy person. How you all the sudden decided that your kids dont exist. You are 54 years old. GROW UP!! Hope is not a maid. She is not a slave. She is a kid. She needs to live. She needs to feel love show it to her damn it!!! Stop saying shit about my mother. Shes a better parent when allowed to be one than you will ever be or ever have been. I dont say this cause I hate you! I say this because I am a part of you and I love you but you are a real shit head. I try to call you and you dont answer, I leave messages you dont return them. So I give up. Be a dad. For once in your life!!!! Act like the grown up! You are fixin to lose all your kids! From this one at least, respect is out the window. Earn it back. I dont hand out trust anymore. You lost mine. You have a very screwed up perception of love, life and reality. Start living the reality you have actually caused! Stop being a jerk!! I wish your mom could see you. She wouldnt be too happy! Get it right! Treat us like adults! Have respect for us! Stop being a dictator and be a father!

So do you just wake up one day and realize that life passed you by?? Im just wondering because seems like the years I should have been out partying I was tied down. I was at home wasting the beginning of my youthful adulthood, waiting on some guy that I thought was perfect. Some guy that I thought would never hurt me. Then the hard, cold truth slapped me between the eyes. I didnt have any reason to sit at hom eand turn my friends down every time they asked if I wanted to go out. But I did because it wasnt right to go out with the guys when Toby didnt know them. Whatever. I should have. But when Kevin was around I went out with him damn near every night.. For two weeks. Toby got jealous and I just told him to bite me. I had fun like a girl my age should have. Of coarse at that point neither Kevin nor I had turned 21 so we were slightly limited. But damn we had fun. We went to the movies, dinner, the mall. He shops more than I do... For some odd reason though there was always some one with us. I just realized that. Usually it was Hope. But who better to pal around with us than her. She loves Kevin. Hes the best guy friend in the world. We are weird cause I can say things to him that would come off wrong if anyone else said them. He can say things to me that I would just loathe a person for and never second guess him. We are so brutally honest with each other. Does this look good?? Hell no! Go change you freak. Shit like that. Or when it comes to relationships, damn we are hard on each others significant other. It always seemed after he dated one of my friends that after they were over suddenly that girl fit into a different category for me. She was no longer my friend that I told things to she was some girl that Kevin had been with and well I was more loyal to him than the girls. But then again he was the same to me. When Gregg and I dated, gee them two werent exactly the friendliest after Gregg played his little number on me. Kevin can be the nicest guy in the world. Dont mess with the people he cares about thats just all there is to it. Gregg did just that. Let me tell you he was one of only three guys I cried over. The other we shall not talk about. I assume you know the third. The one left unnamed I cried over for reasons other than heartbreak. He didnt break my heart, he didnt hurt me. I am still very fond of him. Just nature and life took its course I guess. We drifted apart. Though we were utterly discreet about our relationship and I believe that none really knew about it. To this day few do. It went on for a good while. But I choose to keep it between him and I. The few that know about me and the unnamed man are lucky to know. Im sure to this day he has never revealed it. Not out of uncaring. Just out of the respect that would not be there for the people that knew us back then. Hard situation to explain. Anyways. I am wondering now what it would be like to actually go and have fun. I mean Doug and I do on rare occassions. Kris and I do but not often. Well they are the only guys I know that wouldnt hit on me and respect me enough around here to just let me have fun but make sure I am safe in the process. Now I look and see that I am closing the door on this chapter in my life. I am opening a new one. Starting over with a clean slate. No memories to haunt me except in my own heart, soul and mind. But there is nothing but a few photos there to trigger those memories. I am assured that mom has put those away for me. So I know I wont have to look at them. Or wont be tempted to. One day I hope to look at the first four years of my adult life and be able to smile. So far there are only places I cant go and few memories in which Toby wasnt involved that I can look back on and smile at. Like this summers trip to Florida. Funny thought I actually called James instead of Toby while we were there two different times. Or Kevins trip here the summer I needed a friend so bad it was pathetic. That was two weeks where I actually had a lot of fun. Kristy, Kris and I and our Ragweed Concerts. Matthews Graduation. Then recently after he was out of my life there are a few things that I look back on and smile. Like when James came down. I was actually thinking about how I hung up on Lisa when I saw him. Or how two days later I saw my mom. Theres just not alot in my life that has made me smile. Oh yeah getting to see Hope for Christmas.. That made my year. I missed her so much. But I think you get the point. Anyways hopefully this move will trigger a new lease on life for me.

Well heres my picture of the day. This is James again. I think this is my all time favorite picture.....  

My families....

Well I move some time next week. We havent exactly nailed the date down yet. I am going to go get some boxes later and start packing. I do my best work late at night. You know when its just me. Ive always been that way. I am getting excited. At the same time I am nervous and well a little sad. I am gonna miss this family here. I love Kristy and the rest of the clan. They are great. They have been a part of my life for so many years its crazy. They have always been there for me. I love them so much. I am closer to them in some aspects than I am to some of my own family. Hope and Lisa and Matt and I have super tight knit relationships. Mom and I are really close. Over the last few years dad and I are not as close. I dont know what happened. But my memother and I well we are workin on it. And Poppy is just the coolest old man in the world. Theres not much to say about Bo. Speaking of which I need to make my annual call to him today. Its the old mans birthday. I know that when he has been hard on me its to drive me. But hes managed to hurt me more than most. I am working on that though. Because of that I dont have much of a relationship with Laura. We talk. Usually when Bo isnt around. But we do talk. Well I gotta get. Got too much to do...

Me doing what I do best.... Talking to James.  

This is a shadowy picture because it wasnt well lit. Thats Doug over against the wall lookin all cool and stuff. He had just graduated from Police Academy. I actually like this picture even though its grainy.  

Good old Kevin Gaskin. Thats another one of my big brothers. When he took this picture on my phone he said it made the value go up. This was on Thanksgiving. He was trying to make me laugh. It worked. Yet another reason Iove that family! 

I like this pic. it is actually semi good. I really like that shirt and im not a fan of pink at all. Can ya see my really long earrings?? They touch my shoulders! I love those hooker earings!! 

UPDATE

Just a quick update because I have to go get ready for my long shift at work. Hope went home yesterday. No that doesnt mean that I dont think my dad is a shithead. But I am glad she is home. I have been so worried. She had to go to the doctor. They wont let her go back to school until Monday. She was sick. Well she is sick. Anyways I was soooo happy to hear from her last night. I just wanted to update that. She is home and I dont have to worry so much any more. Later yall! Im off to see the wizard... No thats not right.. Im off to get ready to go to Hell. I mean work......

Ohh heres another view of that beautiful car that I am hoping they actually make....  

Ok so heres the truth about me. I am a Camaro girl all the way. Dream car for me would be a 69 Camaro. But damn look at the CGI concept for a 5th generation. Can you believe a 19 year old boy designed this and they pay all those designers butt loads of money and this is the work of a 19 year old??? Damn I am excited if this is the next Camaro! 

Hope and my Shit head dad

Ok well Im really worried now about Hope. I havent talked to her since Saturday night. She was at Christies then. I am really worried. I dont know what is going on or how to get ahold of her. Im kind of mad because dad has talked to every one but me. I dont care what he has to say but I am really worried about her. I love my baby sister. She is very special to me. She is one of the best friends I have. I dont like not knowing how she is or where she is. I havent heard anything in a few days. I know I already said that but I am really worried. My dad needs a harsh beating after this. He says he wont allow a teenager to interfere with his life. Excuse me but she is his responsiblity until the day that she graduates from high school. She is supposed to be his life. Since he got all wrapped up in this Pam woman I havent heard one good thing from any of my siblings. He wont return mine and Lisas calls. If we call and hes talking to Pam he wont answer. If we call he is off the phone as fast as possible so that he can talk to Pam. Excuse me but we are his kids. He has not one spec of time for us. My dad is an ass. I love my dad but he needs a serious reality check... Hope if you read this I love you!

Mother and Daughter

We walk the same,
And talk the same.
Both of us stubborn,
Once our mind is made up we stick it out.
Our faith is unshakeable.
She molded me into who I am,
I have her build,strength and determination.
Her laugh is my laugh,
Lets face it I am her at a younger age.
I have her height, face and smile.
Her eyes are blue,
Mine are brown.
Her hands are small,
Mine are lengthy.
My fingernails curve slightly,
Just the way hers do.
She does things with grace and poise.
I am clumsy and less elegant.
Our hearts are fragile,
But our spirits unbroken.
I take all I am from her,
Yet each day I see more.
We are mother and daughter,
Two different women,
Yet we share so much.
She made me who I am,
But she learns from me as well as I do from her.
I was her special gift,
Although I see her as mine.

As they sit at the stop light,
He revs the engine.
The sound of the motor,
Smell of burnt rubber,
All a temporary high for him.
He turns his head and smiles,
Just for fun he pulls the e-brake.
The reaction he gets from her makes him laugh.
For that smile she would forgive anything.
With a smirk he gains speed and passes another car.
She tenses up knowing they are cutting it close.
He just laughs and tells her to relax.
After a while he gently kisses her hand,
Eyes never leaving the road.
He softly whispers that he loves her.
She just smiles and stares out the window,
Watching the area around them.
Though he craves speed and thrills,
She needs safety and comfort.
At times he will act like a fool,
All just to get a reaction from her.
Deep down she knows he would never hurt her.
Some times his night time drives worry her.
Knowing his need for something thrilling,
She wont sleep before hearing his voice.
They are complete opposites but the same...

Cost Of Freedom

He enlisted at 18,
Soon after graduation he was off to the military.
With in a year he witnessed many terrors unspeakable.
At 19 he was fighting in a country with few freedoms.
The terror was more than he imagined.
They tried to bring peace to these people.
Sometimes the things he would see made it hard to believe in God.
Why would God allow such suffering?
By 20 he had seen enough to make him thankful he was American.
He knew freedom doesnt come free,
For he had seen what it costs to have it.
He was one of the many who handed his life over to protect ours.

Just Another Girl

They fall at her feet,
Never stopping at the word no.
Dont they understand she doesnt want their attention?
All she wants is to be left alone.
To be treated with respect.
For all who come in contact with her to let her be.
She is not a prize to be won or a trophy to be put on their shelf.
She is a woman.
A little flattery is nice,
Frequently they try to take it farther.
Just once she wants them to act as if she was just another girl.

Looking Back Now

Looking back now,
I wonder where the time went.
Seems just yesterday I was a kid,
With so much ahead.
Then I met you,
Thats when I fell.
Life seemed perfect for a while,
But it was all in my head.
You led me on.
Letting me believe I was the only one.
Before you I was a young lady.
Now I am still young but a lady I am not.
My pride and dignity gone,
Just by being with you that long.
Looking back now,
I wonder where the time went.
For all the years spent,
I have memories of places we went.
But the more I think,
The harder it is to remember you with out a drink.
Looking back now,
I wish I could say no.
That way I would not be sitting here,
Looking back on it now.

I Still Feel You

Now and again I can feel you,
As if you were here again.
I feel your arms around my waist,
I feel your breath on my skin.
Then I turn around and your not there.
In my mind I know it isnt you,
But I still feel your presence.
As if you were standing beside me,
I feel a presence I cant explain.
Knowing I am in a room alone,
I still feel you.
One day our paths will cross again,
For now I can feel you,
As if you were still here.
In a way you are,
Even if it is only in my heart.

What Do You See?

When you look at her what do you see?
Her eyes hold intellegence,
Do you see her innocence?
It was stripped from her years ago.
You should see the face of experience,
For her body has been abused and her eyes have beheld such things no woman should.
Her life is like a puzzle,
Try to peice it and you will break.
Her edges are jagged,
Her walls are tall.
When you look at her what do you see?
Can you see her pain?

A Secret Love

From the first time they were drawn to each other.
Their attraction remained a secret.
His smile warmed her heart,
His touch her soul.
Though to all they seemed to be the best of friends.
Nothing more, nothing less.
A young love left unspoken to the masses.
He stood by her side with great encouragment.
For years their adoration stayed silent.
To all they were two friends drawn closer by hate.
Hate imposed upon them by some one with great jealousy in their heart.
Eventually they lost touch,
Now they are just a memory left in a frame in her room.
Adoration for him will never leave her heart.
His will remain unspoken,
But she will never forget the secret they shared.
In a time of need he always cared.
It was a love left untarnished.
The only regret is the way they left.
Losing touch forever,
Leaving love hidden forever.

Her Addiction

From across the room it calls to her,
She fights off the urge to give in.
Her hands shake,
Sweat drips down her face.
The pain is bearable,
But the pills allow a release.
Shes grown to depend on them,
An addiction she is trying to break.
Too many times she has opened that bottle and taken relief from it.
Her family has no idea the grip is so strong.
Then again they dont know she is given more powerful drugs from someone else.
For a while she took every pill given to her.
One day she looked in the mirror and didnt know who she saw.
She was now an addiction instead of a girl.
Slowly she breaks herself.
When hurting her mom would offer her relief.
Adament refusal for the pain is the only way to break the cycle.
Now even tylenol scares her,
The thought of relying on medication to function is terrifying.
But oh when the pain is unbearable,
She remembers her old relief.
Relief that will call to her forever,
But never again get the best of her.

Their Frienship

The words are brutally honest,
Never sugar coated.
Few secrets are kept,
For years it has gone this way.
When she needs a friend,
He comes running.
When he needs a shoulder,
She is there no matter the cost.
Their friendship is far from perfect,
It is flawed and uncontrolled.
But year after year they are always there.
He hurts for her when her heart breaks,
She is angered when his hurts.
Some swear they belong together,
They know thats not true.
For them the bond is true friendship,
Everlasting and eternal.

For Kevin Andrew Sanborn

Songs That Make Me Remember

Recently a certain song reminded me,
Reminded me of our childhood.
I laughed when I heard it,
Remembering how we used to love that group.
Fondly I think of all the things we collected,
All the shirts, buttons and dolls.
This was our youth,
Laughter and joy.
Ten years later or more,
I can still sing the words to those songs.
Always bringing a smile to my face when I do.
These songs will always remind me of us,
How we drove our parents insane!
Totally inseparable were we,
Now we've grown.
You are still my crazy best friend.
Even if miles separate,
Your always in my heart,
Always on my mind.
Forever I will hear those songs and think of us!

For: Kristy Sue Johnson

Days Like These

It never fails,
On days like these,
I think of you.
I remember the last real visit we shared.
How glad we were to see each other.
I knew you would leave soon.
But still I stayed away.
I miss now the laughter we made,
And the encouragement you gave.
My heart refused to believe you would ever leave.
Then the call came,
With in a few hours I was by your side.
Although we were both there,
No words were shared.
I missed you,
Shortly after I left you awoke.
Your forgiveness I never recieved,
Then again i thought you would never leave.

She Dreams of Love

She dreams of love without limits,
With out pain and baggage.
She dreams of a love understanding,
Understanding that she is broken.
She dreams of a love unconditional,
Where it never goes away when things go wrong.
She dreams of a love with passion,
In which she is not the only one wanting.
She dearms of love encouraging,
Encouraging her to reach her dreams.
She dreams of love everlasting,
A love that with stands the test of time.
She dreams of love to keep her warm when shes cold.
She dreams of love in a world of hate and confusion.

*** For my baby sister Hope. I know in all areas you have gotten a bad taste of what love should be. From your own to our parents. I hope that the love you dream of happens. I love you sis.

His Soft Words

For years they were friends,
Confiding love, pain and joy.
When her heart was broken,
His soft words were the only spoken.
When she cried he made her laugh.
Then late one night he told her he was in love with her.
He held his breath waiting for her answer,
He sighed relief and joy when at last she admitted the same.
Her heart had been broken,
But he made her pain disappear.
For the first time in more than a year,
Pain was not a constant companion.
He fills her life with love and laughter,
And when she does hurt,
He is there just as before to heal her broken heart.
His soft words always to be spoken.

Resting Place of My Soul

One mile down a dirt road,
Eight miles out of town,
Theres a little house,
One I used to call home.
Always happy to see me,
Ever permiated by love.
What once held warm feelings,
Now holds heartache.
Life once shared there,
Is now shared by another.
Sunshine has been replaced by shadows,
Happiness by sorrow.
I play the memories over and over in my mind.
Some good, Some bad.
All bittersweet now.
The love I felt for so long,
Is no longer in my heart.
There was a family left behind,
Who will hold a piece of my mortality forever.
A part of my soul died that day.
That part I left in a grave in October,
One mile down a dirt road,
Eight miles out of town.

Her Pain

As she lay on the couch and cry,
She knew something was not right.
Her body felt as if some one was ripping her in two,
From the inside out.
It was six months to early,
This shouldnt be happening.
After the worst of the pain had passed,
She slept for days.
Waking only for the most urgent matters.
But in her heart and mind the pain still lives.
When she looks in to the eyes of a small child about that age,
Her heart breaks,
Her soul silently aches.
The secret she keeps hidden deep inside,
All so she can face her loved ones with pride.
Ever hopeful her pain will end,
When one day another chance God will send.

** A story about a tough spot in time that I remember most vividly on January 7th. Making January the toughest time of the year for me.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Love is patient,Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perserveres. Love never fails.

You

Your smile,
Your laugh,
Those brown eyes,
Your voice,
The way your hands are always busy,
The way you get shy in person,
But you are crazy over the phone,
How you look at me,
How you say my name,
Everything about you calls to me,
There are so many things I could tell,
So many things I could say,
To tell you why I love you.

One Last Encounter

He lay across from her as she let him say,
"Forever I will love you."
Rapidly her heart was breaking as she replied,
"Then why do you have to leave?"
To this question he never answered,
Instead he reached out to her and kissed her,
Her response was defensive,
Quickly she pushed him away.
"Dont play games with me."
To this he swore he would not,
His last words as she left were,
"Please be careful."
Her last words to him were,
"Why do you pretend to care?"
Without allowing a response she was gone.
This was the last encounter between two long time lovers.
A bridge tore down and a heart left in pieces.
For her love surpassed his.
Now shes gonna make it,
And he will live with regret.

****for any who ever wondered what really happend that day, this is it. In poetic form. More was said, but this is what happend. This is how it all went down. Im letting it all go a little at a time. I have help in my healing. For that I thank you. You know exactly who you are. Even if I dont write your name. But four years will take quite a long time to heal. As each day goes by I learn more and more that I am gonna make it. I am gonna be strong and I am much better off now than I was on the day of that last encounter. Now even, my heart still aches but you have filled the large crevices with happiness and laughter. I love you.

2004 A Year In Review

Ok Heres a brief overview of my year in 2004... Lets see if I really learned anything this year....
January..... For New Years Eve I was at Stephanie and Micheals house with Toby and Kristy. My Uncle Bo and I had a real conversation on the 17th. with out fighting and he told me he was proud of me. Thats never happened before. That was my months highlight.
February..... 2nd I turned 22. Damn Im getting old. Then I learned that because I have no credit I cant get financed for a car.. Hmm what a bummer. Kristy, Toby, Katherine and I all went to Bryan for Valentines day. That was alot of fun actually. No real high light for the month.
March...... On the 19th Kristy and I made a trip to Tyler to go see Cross Canadian Ragweed and Gary Allan. That was awesome. I called Hope to let her hear some songs. That was the high light of the month for me.
April....On the 1st we went to Huntsville to see Ragweed again. This time Kris Fairley went with us. Had a blast got my foot broke. Then some time that month asshole called to ask me my ring size. Hmm what a liar.. Got offered a job that I didnt take in Dumas. Highlight was most certainly Ragweed.
May..... I put in my two week notice to Glicks. Yeah like that really lasted I was there a month after my notice. Chana graduated on the 28th. Toby went to New Mexico, Thus begining the end of us. Kristy and I moved into our new place in Jewett.
June.... One week in Sunny Destin, Florida! That was the coolest trip in the entire world. It was so funny the first day we were there me and Carey went to get in the water and it started storming. But we played in it anyways. Soon as the sun came back out a few hours later back to the water Carey and I went. Kristy, Joey, Carey and I had more fun than we realized I think. Too bad Kristy got there later and left earlier than us. It was a blast. Got some really bad and interesting pictures of all of us and our sunburns.
July.... I started working back at Glicks. Basically I took a month off when it all comes down to it. Toby and I begin fighting with every phone call. Doug and I went to see Lisa for the fourth of July. Then on the 22nd the great Jerk came here to ask for a break what ever the hell those are. I should have told him to get out of my life right then and there. No high lights in July either it was a bad month all around..
August.... I ran into Len Cross! That was just enough to make me smile for a few days. Nothing like one of the Cross boys to make me smile. Then after talking to James one night I decided to call Toby and tell him I was giving up. When I called some woman answered the phone more affirming my decision. On the 19th Kristy and I went to Tyler and she took her National registry exam. End of August I met Alex. Hmm that didnt last too long. But I guess it was nice while it lasted. Got me back into the whole dating thing.
September..... Spent some more time with Alex...I house sat alot for Donna while she got new floors put in. Found out Toby was engaged to some bitch from New Mexico. Found out some things about Alex. That really just made me think twice about the people I keep getting involved with....
October.. The shit really hits the fan on the 4th. I called to tell Toby I wanted to give him his things back so I could really get him out of my life and he allows that woman Maxine to belittle me and call me horrid names. Doug came over and let me cry for a while. Doug and I made a trip on the 9th to Deleon to return all his things. That night began something truely beautiful. Just one phone call from James turned into a nightly thing and well on the 19th we gave up and got together. He started showing me what it was to have some one really care for you. He is the highlight of October...
November.... So begins the Holiday season. James was here on the 12th and 13th. I enjoyed having him around more than I am willing to admit to anyone. On the 14th I got to see my mommy. We went antique shopping and reregisterd my car on the 15th. I was so glad to see her. On the 24th I started working out at night. Umm that didnt last long. Once again the highlight of my month is James but this time its his visit and getting to see my mommy the same weekend.....
December..... Oh what a month. I will just skip to the good stuff! Hope got to come down here for Christmas. On the 22nd Kristy and I made the trip to Borger to retrieve her and came back. The following night I was met in my bedroom by her and Kristy as I arrived home from work. My Pepper Lewis was gone. On the 24th Lisa got here I had both of my sisters! On Christmas Doug took care of Pepper Lewis for me. He resides eternally at the property. For New Years Eve I was at work. So that was the begining of 2005 for me. Hope is my highlight for December.
So I learned alot last year but all were hard lessons on my heart. Im sure I left more out than I realized. But thats the main things that happened. So my year was not so good in some places, bad in some, and great in others. Whats up with that!

Umm Lisa what are you wearing with my sweater?? Is that my snoopy sleep pants I see??? Yes I think it is! 

Miss Carey Renea on November 12, 2004 being my support system. Makin sure I dont drive every one crazy cause my James would be there that night! 

Me again. This was November 13, 2004. I was getting ready to go to work and James picked up the camera. I am writing him a note! Or I was in the picture. I sure hope you cant tell my hair was still wet! And whats up with the hem of my shirt... Oh my this is the same shirt Lisa is wearing on Christmas. Lol. Oh well its one of my favorites! 

Heres Kristy on Tuesday December 28, 2004. I believe shes calling her mommy! I love that look on her face. Whats that I see is Kristy rolling her eyes???? 

From left to right. Me, Hope and Kristy. This is my sister and my very best friend. This was taken on December 22, 2004 while we were just getting ready to leave Borger so that we could have Hope for Christmas. 

This is Hope again and oh my its me. Im the one in the Cowboy hat. I hate pink but hmm that shirt is really cute and my hat is the coolest. This was on Christmas day also. 

This is my beautiful two sisters. Starting on the left is Hope and Lisa. This was on Christmas morning of 2004.  

Little blonde girl

I saw a little girl today that brought me to my knees. She was just so beautiful. She was about that age. The age of what mine would be. She was nice tanned, blonde hair, brown eyes, and curly curly hair. That combination was what got me. She was just so like the little girl that was in my dreams. The one that wasnt. Hell I dont even know if it was a boy or a girl. But I think you can tell where my heart was set. To top it all off her mother called her Emily. Oh my heart just hurts. Emily was our name. This time of the year is so hard for me. January 7th is the hardest day of the year for me. My world was so shattered and rocked that day in 2002. Im thinking of asking for that day off but not giving a reason when I ask. I just dont want to be readily accessible to people and their children. The few of my friends that know about this think I should be over it by now. Truth is I dont know if I ever will be. Then again I never shared my pain or even that it happened with anyone other than a very select few. I wonder and I have been thinking about this all night, would I have been a good mother? What would my life be like? Where would I be? What would I be doing? What would my child look like? Im so full of questions. I can only imagine the custody battle I would be in right now. I guess it all happened for a reason. My question is why do I still hurt and why did a little girl effect me that way just by being in the same store as I was? She was so animated and in a playful mood. God my heart is hurting. One day I want to stop hurting. I wish that day was today. Why do I have to hurt so much!!! Its been three years almost! Does the pain ever end? Will I ever forget?

Guilt and Pain

A heart freshly broken,
Awound yet to be healed.
Sadness beyond comprehension,
Hurt never ending,
Gaps unable to be filled.
Life that has ended,
Another that has grown still.
Guilt enclosed in one soul,
Fogiveness never to be obtained.
Tears cried by a debt unpaid.
Your life has ended but I have stayed.

*** For Pepper Lewis

Ok so I am not in the best of moods. I am putting my life into a slight perspective. I have Kristy and Lisa that I cant have in the same house obviously. So I am guessing that I have to chose to be happy with them. I am thinking the only way to have them both means I cant be anywhere near either of them. I have Kristy mad because Lisa spent the weekend. No I dont find this fair. Shes my sister, am I supposed to turn her out??? No and I wont. She originally was gonna stay with Gabby. But she stayed here. No big deal. But I have been all but ignored unless a reason comes up to be spoken to since. I dont know why this shit cant just be layed to rest. IT WAS ALL MY FUCKIN FAULT!!!!!!! I am the one that said the stupid remark that neither can forgive. I am the one that caused all this shit. So be mad at me not each other! I get mad at her family but I dont make every one else uncomfortable! I am bout sick of the shit between Lisa and Kristy. Get mad at me guys and stop this shit. I am the one that is to blame. I had a bad enough week losing Pepper. Now I have to deal with Kristy being mad at me because Lisa stayed here. From now on I just wont have company since I guess I dont have that right? I didnt know that I couldnt. But since it causes a problem to have a family member around I wont have anyone else. And if I do I will go waste the fuckin money on a hotel. That way I dont have to deal with a best friend who wont talk to me and a sister who is uncomfortable making me feel like shit. My stress level over the last few days is sky rocketing! I dont know how much more I can take. This bull shit has to stop some where and I am dead serious about that. If it doesnt I am leaving. To where I will go, I dont know. But I cant deal with it anymore. Its gone on far long enough.

Pepper Lewis

On December 23, 2004 my dear Pepper Lewis left me. He was three years old as of the 16th. He was my little boy. He was a dog but so much more than a dog. I recieved him when he was 2 weeks old. He did not know he was a dog. I loved him very dearly. In a time when I needed something to take care of to keep my mind off of my inablitities, he kept me company and gave me purpose. Less than a month after I recieved Pepper Lewis I suffered a miscarriage. I chose to keep discretion in this. Most of the people and my family do not know of this. Hope, Lisa and Mom all know. Where my family is concerned that is all. Tobys family never did know. Two of his sisters know. But it was revealed to them only years later. Pepper was special to many people but he was a life saver for me. I do not know nor do I care how the people reading this see my pain. Most will say he was a dog move on get a new one. No I will not. It will be years if ever before I own another dog. Or any animal for that. For attachment that can cause physical pain is not in my agenda. I have one and only one attachment of personal choice for the moment. That is all I want and need. James you have been wonderful thank you for letting me cry on you the other night. Doug laid Pepper in the ground on Christmas day out on the property that belongs to the Johnson family. This way anytime I want I can always have access to go visit him. Yes I do plan on doing it. He loved Doug. He and Doug were good buddies. I gave Doug his black spiked collar. I am currently wearing his that I put on him last week around my wrist. It is brown leather with spikes and a name tag and his phone number on it. I feel the need to have him close to me and this was his and attached to him. So I feel him. The one he wore most frequently, the harley davidson one, is currently in my car around the rear view. Mom is going to have that one. Pepper was a very animated animal. He loved to play. He would run all over the place. He was so hyper. Like mother like son I guess. If some one said "Pepper wheres mommy?" he would litterally go looking for me. The vet told me the dog had no idea I wasnt his mom. Hell I doubt he knew he was a dog. Pepper Lewis you take a big peice of my heart baby boy. I will forever miss you singing to me. Our tug of war games with the dish towels, the game we played with the covers that made you growl. I will miss sharing my snacks with you. I know you loved hot cheetos. One of your favorite snacks. God you loved riding in the car. That was always so much fun to do with you. Then on Monday when you finally learned the word sit. That was so cute. You were so beautiful. I love you baby boy. You will always be with mommy. Thank you for teaching me how to love with out limits. You will never be replaced in my heart.

Pride

It calls out to me,
Telling me to hold my ground.
Never letting me give in,
Compromise is not an option.
Do not let them tell you what is right,
Only you can decide what is wrong.
It keeps me at a distance,
Always with my wall secured and unbreachable.
Pride keeps me hidden,
Unreachable to the masses.

Voice in my head

It is hard to concentrate,
The voice of indifference is screaming in my head.
Telling me to let go,
But let go of what?
Fear and pain,
I suppose that would allow me the most release.
Life is so hard,
It screams louder,
Embrace the present,
Let go of the past.
It does you no good.
Leave the baggage at the terminal gate.
The voice screams in my head.

Reflection of a Woman

One day I looked in the mirror,
Only to see a woman I didn't recognize.
Her eyes were haunted,
Her expression pained.
The woman seemed distracted,
From what I don't know.
Inside the rough facade she held many secrets.
I wanted to tell her it would be okay.
That for all things there is a season.
For the woman in that reflection,
It was her season for pain.
Recently I gazed in that same mirror,
The woman was yet again there.
Only now I recognized a new essence in her,
Happiness had replaced her pain.
Her distraction was no longer there,
For now there was a purpose.
Her season for pain had drawn to an end.

This young woman

Yes pent up in this young woman writing in this blog are lots of emotions that are yet to be revealed. For this young woman has seen many things and hurt more than she likes to admit. These weaknesses to her are like flaws hidden beneath an exterior that leads one to believe shes seen nothing but good days. In reality she has been the victim of love, hate, divorce, death and distance. She is like a puzzle ever being peiced together. Giving clues as to who she really is with every written word. She keeps much inside but reveals the pertinent. Her life is contradicting and unsteady. Some of which is all her own making, but dont we all make our own lives that way to an extent. She has faith in God but argues with him daily. Head strong and stubborn but yeilding when wrong. She knows no length too far when she loves. She would gladly lay down her life for those in her heart and soul. Slightly untrusting of the unknown but faithful that it shall be productive. She has been battered and bruised but picked up and dusted off. She knows pain and happiness. Just ask her, she will tell you that life isnt always fair. Dont think her nieve. For that she is not. See her for what she is, confused and ever learning the way of life. Above all dont think her stupid, for she is not. She is intelligent but cares not to show it to those who dont need to know that her brain is constantly solving a problem. For this young woman tries to be all things to the people she loves.

Lillian Moore

Fluid grace,
Understanding completely,
Vigilant difiance,
Unyeilding faith,
Accepting imperfection,
Beautiful courage,
Spirited laughter,
Unmatched strength,
Resonating pride,
Encouraging love,
Free willed,
Enduring passion,
Not one shred of resentment,
Rarely angered,
Loving mother,
Proud Grandmother,
Forever in my heart,
Always on my mind.

**** This is how I will always remember her. Nana I may not have said it enough but here a year and a half later I still love you and will miss you for the rest of my life. I may not have been there enough. But know that I will forever regret not being with you more there in the last years. I love you. I pray one day to feel the forgiveness I so deeply crave on your behalf. Know you are loved and adored by each of your grandchildren and missed more than we ever thought possible. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. You were truely a woman of distinction in my life. I hope I make you proud.

Entrapment of a heart

What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see the results of a battered past?
The scars of a past broken heart?
Or the entrapment of a heart?
The entrapment that causes me to bleed.
Though not visible, it pounds rapidly.
Scared to love, trust, and break.
Accepting none but bearing all.
Entrapment of this heart,
Caused this girl to fall.

My Search

I look around,
I see faces I know and people I dont.
What used to be happy and encouraging is now full to the brim,
Thus forcing me in a new direction.
Where is home if not here?
I am but an empty vessel waiting to be filled.
What is next for me has yet to be fore told.
My unending search for where I belong has yet to yeild a result.
Great destinies are not for me.
I am growing restless in my search.
The cards that I have been dealt are not sufficient.
I want so much more than what I see.
For the moment I will go with the ebb and flow of this life.
Ever in search of my true happiness and place of belonging.

When I am with you

When I am with you my heart is free,
I feel the need to be no one other than me.
When I am with you there is no need to hide,
The only thing I want is to be at your side.
When I am with you my fears melt away,
My child inside comes out to play.
Life is beautiful when I am with you.

Confusion

Beautiful detachment,
Lifetime imprisonment,
undesired impulses,
Endangered seclusion,
Meaningless involvement,
Angry conversation,
Loving touches,
Confusing adoration,
Unbridled infatuation,
Depths of depression,
Eternal loneliness,
Unquenchable desires,
Urgent desperation,
Random generosity,
Eager fascination,
Enter the life of confusion.

I did it again...

Why do I always do this. I manage to piss off the people that I love the most. Last night James called me at work. Well the night was almost over and damn I was really missing him. We talked and well I got frustrated for reasons I dont want to explain. I like my privacy and well with him I keep that sacred. Partly because we are more in depth people than most realize. Partly cause I can keep him to myself still with out anyone else saying "wheres James, whens James gonna come back, we miss James." Ok so I am a bit seclusive. I like having someone I love that few people that I love know. That way hes mine and they dont get his every waking minute. Yes thats what happened with me and Toby. They all wanted him and well I got burned. So no I dont want them all to be around him just yet. Kristy and Katherine have met him. Carey has. A few of the women I work with and Traci met him. Thats more than enough for me. Chris sat in the parking lot and scoped him out like the good butt head he is. Yes I would absolutely adore being with him more often. Things arent as easily done as they are said. But last night I got frustrated and ever so UNcalmly set the phone down to cool off and wait on a customer. Less than a minute later when I picked up the phone he was gone. Or no one answered me when I said his name. So I hung up. Problem is now he wont talk to me. Or he wont answer the phone or return the two calls I have made. Ok well the little joke that he and Hope devised to try to see if he could piss me off worked. Not only did it work it played on a certain insecurity of mine. So did I take to it well.. NO... But the truth to the matter is that I love this fool. James has been there for me no matter what the call... The love I have for him is so much stronger than anything I have ever felt before. No I am not the worlds greatest at expressing this. Yes I tell him that I love him. I just hope he knows that this is very real for me. No one person has ever captivated me the way this crazy man does. He fascinates me, makes me laugh, all it takes is a thought of him or finding a quarter to make me smile. I know what I want. I want him in my life. He's so much more than just my boyfriend. Hes my confidant, my friend, and dare I say it my soul mate. Or at least thats how it feels. He has never passed judgement on me. He tells it to me straight when I am not right. Hes not afraid to be himself. I love him so damn much that I litterally hurt knowing that he wont talk to me about this. I cried for the first time in a while last night. Thinking I had went and screwed up the most beautiful thing that has ever happend to me. My question now is what do I do? But whats even worse is now Hope is feeling horrible for all of this. She was so instumental in making the two of us look closer at each other. Even though he had already done it and I had but wasnt willing to admit that. James krept into my very soul about a year or two ago. No matter where I went or what I was upto he was always in the back of my head. I always wondered how he was or what he was doing. Now I cant help but wonder... Have I lost what I wanted so badly and the one person who loves me with out worry or doubt? Why do I always screw up the best things?? James I love you...

Ok I love this picture too. Its another of my favorites. Anyways, yeah Im really missin him.... 

Hmmm he will probably kill me when he sees that I have put this picture on my blog. This is my James Earl. Hes so perty. Anyways I am missing him slightly... Ok alot. So I decided to put him in here.... Love you honey.. 

Doug

Doug graduated from Police Academy tonight. I am so happy for him. The last week or so I have been mad at him. Ok I think I am finally past it. I just needed to do it in my own time. Yes he hurt me. But I guess the ones you love will protect you not meaning to hurt you when they do it. Thats exactly what he did. He tried to protect me and in the process he hurt me. Of coarse he kept something from me then a year or more later decides to tell me. Now this revalation could have saved me alot of pain. Or actually could have made me face reality causing the same amount of pain in a different time. I can only assume it was for my best....

Well I am bored tonight. Just sitting around with not too much to do. Im slightly missing James tonight. Ok more than slightly. This time of the year sucks. I dont mind it so much but the holidays havent sank in yet. I am enjoying the little bit of the music that I have heard. But other than that I have not started shopping and I havent gotten any thing accomplished. Hope may come down. But I dont know. Im missing my family in a big way.. I feel slightly as an outsider at times around this time of the year. I mean I have no relation here so it is hard. I love my family here. The Johnsons and Gaskins are my family. But I miss the Moores and dare I say it even the Petersons. I yearn for that family shit that I never really got into at Christmas. But I guess you never really miss it until it is gone. Kristy and I have offered to go get Hope. She doesnt get out of school until the 22nd. That makes it slightly more difficult but it can still be done. She gets out at 12:35. So I have to work on that Thursday. Ok I am slightly excited now! Hopefully in a few weeks I will get Hope! I really bad want to see her! AHHH I MISS MY JAMES!!!!!

I found this picture of Klye Field. Isnt all that beautiful Texas Aggie Marroon beautiful!!! Go Aggies! 

People from the Past

I swear I have been seeing people left and right from back in the day of middle school and high school. I saw Mrs. Gann on Thanksgiving. Then tonight I saw Chris Garrison. Talk about a blast from the past. I was so shocked. I swear I havent seen him in nearly ten years. It was nice to see him though. We caught up on alot. He was with Jordan and Rose last night. I miss those two. They made me happy way back when. Talk about real friends. Those to are the epitomy of real. Im so glad they are driving each other insane. They are cute together. I only tried to tell them that for years. Hope is gonna see if dad will let her come here for Christmas! I am hoping he will say yes! I really want her to be here. I just want some one of my own but I miss that shit head bad. I even have an extra stocking! So she will be a good addition. Im really bad missing her. I wish the two of us lived closer. I miss having her at my disposal. We have fun together. Shes my buddy and my sister. Besides Im working on something for her. Im hoping it turns out well. Plus if she comes down I will enjoy the next few weeks getting ready for Christmas stuff. Damn only three weeks. I need to get my ass in gear I havent even started. Well I got some stuff to do!

overview of my few days...

Well well well its been a few days hasnt it. Well lets see in the last few days there really hasnt been much going on. I cut off all my finger nails and well they are short. I am not used to short nails. I have grown my nails out long since well middle school. So I have had about 10 years worth of long nails. I just dont see the point in paying for something God gave to me naturally. Anyways. Gonna hang out with my sister and Gabby tomarrow. It is fun getting to see them so much. Lisa is visiting more frequently now. I like that. I miss having my family around. I really wish Hope could come here for Christmas. I would love that. I miss her the most. She knows it too. She has been sick the last few days. She sounded much better tonight. My James Earl is asleep, actually the benadryl has him knocked out. He was funny when he was falling asleep. He always is when he starts to fade. I miss him something bad. Doug came by tonight. I was glad to see him. Havent seen much of good old Doug here lately. I saw him Tuesday night but not for too long. We had us a little talk about my life and he made sure I was ok. I told him to stop being an ass and get around more often. I missed wailing on him. Yeah ok we live around the corner from each other but damn. Hes gotten a life here lately or something. I requested off for the night of his graduation from Police Academy. Im so proud. I might go with him to Austin that following Monday to play around while he takes his exam. That would be fun. Wear my Aggie appearal to Cowville... I hate those damn Longhorn cattle.... Any ways. I am smooth worn out. I am missing my James and Im going to bed got a long day tomarrow.

Storms

We had a storm this morning. Once the thunder and lightning slowed down I fell asleep. I hate storms. Blame it on Andrew, thats when storms became less than fascinating to me and more terrifing. I remember watchin the water spouts go down the river, and the trees fall around our house. The wind alone was incredible. But we stayed there threw it. Since that I have been in more hurricanes and tropical storms, none that equaled or even rivaled the strength that Andrew flexed. Then again I was in the fifth grade and none will ever affect my mentality again the way that one did. Call me a weenie I dont care. I just have no need for a storm. I hate being alone during them. I used to crawl into bed with my mom or who ever was nearest to me. Now thats kind of stupid and well not on my list of options. Its just the part where I am alone while the world sounds as if it may tear it self to shreads that bothers me. Maybe one day I will learn to appreciate the storm that is going on around me. For the moment and the last how ever many years ago it was when this affliction bore it self upon me, I will be scared. James, the lucky fool, go snow last night. Hmm thats something us East Texas people dont see much of. Maybe a few flurries a year but thats really all. Snow now days makes me think of my mom and my dad and sister. They all live where it snows. Hope loves it. Mom says its pretty. I just want to be near them. I could live with snow if thats what it meant. Im sure I wouldnt be too fond of snow after being with mom for a while. Then again hell I may love it. I liked it the times it snowed good up at dads while I was there. I dont know how to drive in it though and that could be a problem.

Holiday Blues

Ok so I got past the first hump in the holiday season. I cried a bit. I walked into Wandas and when some one asked why I was late I tried really hard not to cry my eyes out. I love those people. They are a great family to have love me so much. Hell the Gaskins and the Johnsons are the best substitute family any girl could ask for. But damn I miss my family. I miss my mom and my dad. I miss my mean ass sisters and brother. I miss watching those stupid parades on Thanksgiving morning while mom and dad were cooking. I miss the football games and my dad yelling at the tv. The traditional Cowboys Thanksgiving Day game. The one that always got my dad so fired up and still does. I miss the day after every one huddling around the TV watching the even more important game of UT vs. A&M for the years bragging rights. The decorating for Christmas that mom and us girls started either Thanksgiving afternoon or the next day. I miss this stuff. I miss my family so damn bad. I just dont know how I will get threw Christmas. Damn its gonna be hard. Last year the great asshole of my life was the reason I wasnt so lonely. Even though I worked. This year I dont know whats gonna keep my mind off the fact I that I have no one even remotely related to me. I wish my baby sister could come down. I have to work on Christmas as I do every other holiday on the calendar. But gosh it would be nice to be with some one that I am that close to. Kristy is gonna be busy with Katherine and Joey. So I really wont even have her. Im slightly out of place. I hate the uncomfortable feeling that comes with Christmas. Man I miss my mommy....

This week is gonna be busy. Starting tomarrow I have to work every day this week. There is no telling what time I will get home tomarrow. It should be a busy day. Last year i didnt get out of there until after nine. I go in at eleven in the morning and Im scheduled until seven but that doesnt mean I will get to go home that soon. I should go to sleep early in all honesty but I wont. I know if I do I wont be able to pull my one a.m. shift Friday night. James will probably try to get me to go to bed early tonight. I have to be up by about nine in the morning or Im not gonna be to work on time. I will do it though. I have only been late to work one time in the entire time I worked there. I dont make that a habit. Well Im off to bed.

Peace

James is so funny. He purposely frustrates me. I miss him. Thats kinda pathetic I know but I do. He makes me smile so much its great. My mom says she thinks I am finally at peace with myself. I was waging an emotional and very physical war against myself and every man that got close to me there for a while. I literally had myself so exhausted and broken. I was half a person if not less. I am now full and happy again. I dont cry anymore. I dont sit and wonder what I am doing wrong. I just live my life freely with out worry of if Im pissing anyone else off by having fun. I can feel free to go out and do things with my friends, most of which are men. I dont have to worry that I am gonna get the third degree when my cell phone rings or when I get home. I look forward to my future now days. I am finally there. I am not worried what is gonna happen in a week or a month. I just know that the person that I love is 383 miles away and I know hes not out screwing around. Hell he doesnt have time. We talk so many hours a day its amazing we still have things to say to each other. I miss him. I am ready to be with him again. I sound so pathetic. Im laughing at myself. Well Im just gonna head off to bed with this smile on my face. James I love you!

Hmm have I said I miss James??? I am so ready to be near him. This distance thing is gonna drive us insane... Hope calls us mushy... Lisa says we are the epitome of sap... I dont think we are sappy. I think we are slightly affectionate... But not sappy... He is on the phone with me right now watching a movie. Hes laughing in my ear. Like he does most nights. I like it though. Hes so cute. But if I tell him that he says "whateva" and just laughs at me. Hmmm... Im gonna go lay down... Oh today makes us one month together.... sigh...

Our weekend.

Well I have had a good last few days. The wait bout killed me last week. James got here Friday night about 9 when I was at work. He stayed with me the rest of the time I was there. When he walked in I ran and jumped on him. I thought I was gonna knock him over. But he held on as long as I did. It was funny I kept walkin over to him and hugging him and we just had a good time. After I got off work he followed me home. We sat up a few hours and talked. Then fell asleep together. It was sweet. At 5:45 in the morning Carey and Donna came tearing threw the house. I bolted out of the room and then came back and layed back down. Then the alarm went off at 7. We didnt get up though. We fell back asleep for a while. Kristy took a few pictures of us together. As soon as we figure them out Im gonna print them out and frame them. They turned out really good. We ran all over East Texas all day. We went to Henderson and he showed me where he grew up. It was neat. He was shocked at the changes. Then we went to lunch. That was interesting. Our waiter never was quite clear on which of us he was flirting with. It was funny. On the way threw Palestine the fool just hits his e-brake and stops in the middle of the road. He was salvating over some old car. It was so cute. I swear I will never have to worry about other women because his affair will be with a car. That is some funny stuff. When we got back home we took a nap and watched some college football high lights. Of coarse The Aggies won against Texas Tech. Go AGS! Then of coarse his team won too. Baylor took a beating to OSU making his day that much better. He got back home late. He didnt leave here till close to 7 when I was at work. I didnt want him to leave. This whole distance thing is gonna be difficult but we are gonna make it work. I love that fool. We go well together. Its soo cool because we have been the best of friends for a long long time. Now we are together. I have never in my life been so happy with myself. He just makes me laugh and smile and makes me happy! James I love you honey!

Containing the Excitment...

Ok I am so bouncing off the walls.... James Earl will be here on Friday if all goes as planned. I am freakin out! I am sooooo excited! Every day we do a count down sort of. He called this morning and I was like "four days" he just laughed. I am in such a good mood. He laughs at me alot. I love that boy. Hes just too much at times. But I think I am gonna buy him anyways.. Or thats what I tell him. Hope says we are too mushy. That makes me laugh. Sure we are slightly affectionate. But I dont think we are mushy. Anyways I have alot of cleaning to do. Bathroom is next in line... Later taters....

My nights have been rather nice the last few weeks. James and I sit up and talk most of the time. We are trying to figure out when the two of us can get together. Hope says we are mushy. Ok if telling each other I love you alot is mushy then yeah we are. But we know what we feel for each other and we arent afraid to admit that. Besides hes been in the back of my head for a long time. I just relyed on a connection to some one else. I just cant believe how long he has loved me with out saying anything. If he had I think I would have given up on Toby a long time ago. But James is so sweet. He is really wonderful. He thinks Im not gonna like him once we are actually together. I have news for you James Earl. I love you! I am gonna love you no matter what. So you are wrong. I love you! Any ways. Im very happy these days. I am sleeping better and living life with a sensation that has never been there before. I dont know how else to explain it.