So do you just wake up one day and realize that life passed you by?? Im just wondering because seems like the years I should have been out partying I was tied down. I was at home wasting the beginning of my youthful adulthood, waiting on some guy that I thought was perfect. Some guy that I thought would never hurt me. Then the hard, cold truth slapped me between the eyes. I didnt have any reason to sit at hom eand turn my friends down every time they asked if I wanted to go out. But I did because it wasnt right to go out with the guys when Toby didnt know them. Whatever. I should have. But when Kevin was around I went out with him damn near every night.. For two weeks. Toby got jealous and I just told him to bite me. I had fun like a girl my age should have. Of coarse at that point neither Kevin nor I had turned 21 so we were slightly limited. But damn we had fun. We went to the movies, dinner, the mall. He shops more than I do... For some odd reason though there was always some one with us. I just realized that. Usually it was Hope. But who better to pal around with us than her. She loves Kevin. Hes the best guy friend in the world. We are weird cause I can say things to him that would come off wrong if anyone else said them. He can say things to me that I would just loathe a person for and never second guess him. We are so brutally honest with each other. Does this look good?? Hell no! Go change you freak. Shit like that. Or when it comes to relationships, damn we are hard on each others significant other. It always seemed after he dated one of my friends that after they were over suddenly that girl fit into a different category for me. She was no longer my friend that I told things to she was some girl that Kevin had been with and well I was more loyal to him than the girls. But then again he was the same to me. When Gregg and I dated, gee them two werent exactly the friendliest after Gregg played his little number on me. Kevin can be the nicest guy in the world. Dont mess with the people he cares about thats just all there is to it. Gregg did just that. Let me tell you he was one of only three guys I cried over. The other we shall not talk about. I assume you know the third. The one left unnamed I cried over for reasons other than heartbreak. He didnt break my heart, he didnt hurt me. I am still very fond of him. Just nature and life took its course I guess. We drifted apart. Though we were utterly discreet about our relationship and I believe that none really knew about it. To this day few do. It went on for a good while. But I choose to keep it between him and I. The few that know about me and the unnamed man are lucky to know. Im sure to this day he has never revealed it. Not out of uncaring. Just out of the respect that would not be there for the people that knew us back then. Hard situation to explain. Anyways. I am wondering now what it would be like to actually go and have fun. I mean Doug and I do on rare occassions. Kris and I do but not often. Well they are the only guys I know that wouldnt hit on me and respect me enough around here to just let me have fun but make sure I am safe in the process. Now I look and see that I am closing the door on this chapter in my life. I am opening a new one. Starting over with a clean slate. No memories to haunt me except in my own heart, soul and mind. But there is nothing but a few photos there to trigger those memories. I am assured that mom has put those away for me. So I know I wont have to look at them. Or wont be tempted to. One day I hope to look at the first four years of my adult life and be able to smile. So far there are only places I cant go and few memories in which Toby wasnt involved that I can look back on and smile at. Like this summers trip to Florida. Funny thought I actually called James instead of Toby while we were there two different times. Or Kevins trip here the summer I needed a friend so bad it was pathetic. That was two weeks where I actually had a lot of fun. Kristy, Kris and I and our Ragweed Concerts. Matthews Graduation. Then recently after he was out of my life there are a few things that I look back on and smile. Like when James came down. I was actually thinking about how I hung up on Lisa when I saw him. Or how two days later I saw my mom. Theres just not alot in my life that has made me smile. Oh yeah getting to see Hope for Christmas.. That made my year. I missed her so much. But I think you get the point. Anyways hopefully this move will trigger a new lease on life for me.