The Trouble With Love Is

Ok so I am figuring this out. The trouble with love is it doesnt care how fast or how hard you fall. It makes you see all these pretty illusions then you wake up one day and it has fooled you into believing a lie. It has made everything look so wonderful that you have no clue how to live once it is over. Then you put yourself back out there and it takes another beating because it latches onto the first person that treats you the way you crave to be treated. I sound like a cynic but there is too much trouble to love. Love is a lie that is taught to us from an early age. Something that just kills the people that know how to give it but never quite recieve it. But for those few and far between who find it, it means a small taste of heaven. For me, I think it will never happen. For I once thought I had it only to be decieved by the pretty reflection in the mirror. Its not fair that I played that stupid game of love and I got made a fool of. Now my heart is torn up inside. Its not fair. I have no pride left. I have so much I am trying to rebuild. Problem is it doesnt take much to let my heart down at this point. I just want to be happy. Seems like I will always get left in the rain with out an umbrella to cover me. I need a safety net. I want to take that jump and that is not fair to my heart with its many bruises and missing beats....

Im having a bad day

Ok today Im having a not so great day. The Astros won! Ok theres my good thing for the day but even that cant make me smile. I found out some things today I wish I hadnt. I mean not that it makes a difference on my stance. But I feel like I was lied to. Its not anything that anyone reading is thinking. I dont even know that I want to say what I found out. But it put a damper on my mood for the day. I got my car washed and cleaned out. That was good. I needed to do that badly. Anyways I am gonna go read my book and see if maybe Alex calls. Im not sure what is going on there I havent talked to him in a few days. So Im not sure if he is even still interested. But who knows he may have tried to call... I doubt it though...

Bored out of my skull!

I am bored. Can I say much else that would be a negative captain..... Its Saturday night and I have nothing better to do than make fun of Doug and his weird ass. No sooner than Doug calls, Lisa IM's me to ask his ex's name. Ok Doug is the topic of the night I guess. We went to New Waverly this morning. That was fun. Watched some football game and talked sports with some guy in Kristys family. The Astros were losing at that point. I havent looked to see what the score ended up. The Cubs were winning. Can we say DIE!!! I hate the Cubs!!!!! Ok well I shall resume the lonely boredom! laters!

My Friday Off

Ok so today is one of those Fridays that I have off. They used to not happen very often but they are gonna be a regular thing now. Well. It has been a very boring Friday indeed. I slept in. That was nice. But after that I have done just about nothing. That is other than clean my room. Almost disappointing that at my age I have nothing better to do on a Friday night than sit around and read a book. Dont get me wrong I love to read. But it is Friday night!!!! I almost wish I was at work right now. Joey called earlier. He thinks I am mad at him. Ok well first of all I am not mad at anyone. I hate that he has that impression. Second why would I be mad? Oh well. Man I am bored. Its too early to go to bed. If I go to bed early I will never be able to stay up on the nights I need to. I think Doug and I are gonna start running together. Wooohoo Police Academy here I come. Well at least when I get there I will not be out of shape. The ass tried to call me at about 5 but he said no one answered. The only reason some one wouldnt have answered would be cause some one was on the phone. I dont remember anyone being on the phone around five. But hey I could be wrong. He swears he called the house and my cell. Well it never registered on my cell so he couldnt of called it. Alex is with Chad. I think he is anyways. I dont know. I half expected to hear from him tonight. Oh well. He really has been missing Chad. So I am glad he got to see him. I hope the two of them had a good time. I think he has to work in the morning. Kristy and I are heading to New Waverly but only until about two. Her family reunion is in the morning. We plan on running some errands while we are there. Then we are gonna come back here. Maybe I will get a hold of my favorite man tomarrow. Oh well. I am off again Monday threw Wednesday. So if not its not gonna be a bad thing. I am stupid. I miss him. I shouldnt. I shouldnt have feelings for anyone at this point. But I do. What the hell is wrong with me? He really is great. I need one of his gorgeous smiles and one of his warm hugs right now. My week has just been so emotional. He makes all that go away. I need that soo badly right now. Its almost impossible to explain......

Alex and my Memother

So my day was good today. I talked to my Alex for a few minutes and he managed to effectively put a smile on my face. Damn hes got a sexy voice. Im so pathetic. Im sitting here wishing he was here curled up in bed next to me. Especially since I cant sleep. He is so wonderful. So I had the obligatory phone call with my memother tonight. We have never had a good relationship. This she brought on herself. Its only been in the last two years we have started talking to each other and not arguing every single time. But it does still happen. It was nice this time. Normally its not so nice. I come away feeling like shit. Well she asked how I was and about Toby. I told her every thing. She actually was great. Just said some things I think I may have needed to hear. Shes been threw alot on the level of men and hurt. Granted she caused alot of that but hurt is hurt all the same. I told her about Alex. She said that he sounded like a good man. I was like good doesnt even touch what he is. Its so funny he cant multi-task well, and I pick on him a bit for that. Well he says its one of his many down falls. I made him snicker at me when I said I hadnt found a single fault yet. Its nice to know hes human. I have so many down falls. Its nice to know he thinks he has one too. To me, so far, he is more than perfect. The imperfections complete the man. Im still smiling and I havent even seen him today. Gosh I am so pathetic. His voice is so soothing and calm. I just absolutly adore him. He could probably just talk to me and I would be happy as a clam. No thats true. One short phone call and I will go to sleep dreaming of that sexy voice. Mmmmmm.......

Maxine

Well Toby is not married. His sister told me tonight. It was nice to talk to Kastino. I havent talked to that fool in forever. I missed him. He asked when I was gonna come see him again. I told him I wasnt taking any chances going up there. He understood. Its nice that they all still respect me even though Toby and I are threw. Well heres how it is. Toby is not married yet. He is engaged. The girls name is Maxine. She has two kids and lives in New Mexico. She wants a big wedding so the engagment will be at least a year if not two. I was like damn. Makes me wonder about a few things. I wish that he has the best of luck. I hope he learns a lesson on what love is. Lord knows the man is more emotionally impaired than anyone I know. I hope he learns how to love. I know he never did know what it was if he couldnt grasp it with anyone other than his family. Hell I doubt that some times. He and Chana had a talk Saturday. He had the nerve to tell her that our separation was all my fault because I had a problem with him being with his family. Ok no. I love them. I know what it is like to never see my family so I never held him away from them. My problem was he would say he was going to see them then while he was there he would only come home to sleep. Then off again to go with Andrew and Jason. Ok thats not spending time with his family. I am however glad that I have learned what kind of person he is. I would have hated to get married and this happen some where down the road. To Maxine. I wish the bitch good luck. I hope she can handle his hangups and all his shit. Lord knows she is gonna need all the patience she can get. He is not an easy man to handle. That is if his sisters dont make her life a living hell first. They are already planning on doing that. Chana wont even give the woman a chance. God I wish I didnt know her name...

mmmm mmmm good

MMMMMMM..... I saw Alex in the grocery store earlier. Damn I love when he looks all rugged. Its super sexy.... I ought to shut up now. But damn he looked sexy. Let me tell you I now have a big old smile on my face. I have had so much going on in my head. But when I saw him it all went away. Im not worrying about the shit anymore. He is so good at doing that and he doesnt do anything.

Dont want to know

I promised not to cry when I found out about Toby and by God I havent. It is slowly sinking in though. I can lie and say Im not hurting some. But the truth is no matter what front I am putting up, laughing and such, I am hurt. Even though I am not in love with him anymore, I feel like I spent four years being led on and set up. Once some one told me I would never be good enough. Well shit that is what that feels like. I was in love with this man for a long time. What in the hell wasnt good enough? Oh well I think I will be better off in the long run. I really just wish to hell that Chana wouldnt tell me when he does stupid shit. I love his sisters and promised that I wouldnt cut them out of my life. But damn I wish they wouldnt tell me about him unless its that he is ok. I dont want to know the details. Today I really need to find a reason to smile or I may stay this way all day. Thank God I have tomarrow off to hide and do what ever. But then I wont be off again till Friday and Saturday. I think on the agenda for tomarrow will be absolutely NOTHING!!! Just lay around and sleep. Dream of good things. And rest.

Today I have a mess of junk scattered in my brain. I have been analyzing my life again. With the new found knowledge that I recieved early this morning, I think to myself some crazy stuff. You know when Toby left I actually tried to hit a guard rail on the way home that night. But for some strange reason my car didnt turn. Was this God? Was it my mom sitting at home praying like she said she was? I wondered about that but never told anyone about it. I think to myself now, jeeze that was stupid. Then theres my James. My favorite guy friend in the entire world. James Earl is my rock when I need to cry. My brain when Im being stupid and my common sense at times. He writes such sweet stuff in his blog about me... Makes me wonder why my friends put up with me sometimes. Now there is Alex. He is so special to me. He probably doesnt know that. I have lots of hangups. He picks on me some about them. But he is really patient and understanding. He has really helped me make some significant changes in my life. He makes all the pain go away. As I told him the other morning, he makes me feel safe. Ive not felt that in so long its crazy. Like tonight. Kristy didnt bother coming home. So I am here all alone. If it wasnt so damn late I would call and ask him to come stay with me. But he does have his neice this weekend. I dont want him to miss out on her. I know if my family was here I wouldnt leave for the world. Hell when Hope is here I stay with her every possible second. I miss that kiddo. I really wish she could meet Alex. The idea of him meeting my dad scares me though. My dad is hard for me to talk about when it comes to a personal level. But to accept me, eventually they have to accept him. Very few of my closest friends know anything about him. Well there are some things I will tell but he is just a private matter with me. I dont know how my other siblings deal with him. But I perfer to keep dad to myself. Now mommy is my support system, aside from Hope, Kristy and James Earl that is. I talk to my mommy just about every night. Yes I am 22, yes I still call her mommy. Then theres my daddy Bill. Hes moms husband. When I need some one to make me feel better, I call and get his version of Dr. Phil. But Alex is special and they all ask about him every night just about. Im quickly falling for this man. That scares me. I am not in anyway scared of him though. He puts me to peace. Every thing about him is exciting. Now if you ask him he will tell you that where he comes from he is just a regular guy. Well if hes regular then damn I missed out on the regular boat. He is absolutely wonderful in every sense. Oh some one tell my heart to stop going so fast.....

Low Blow

Ok so I just found out something that sucked the air out of me. Toby got married some time on the 15h. What the hell? Umm this from Mr. Im nevr getting married. Im confused. Im not in love with him any more but that does hurt. I spent four years with him. Four years of him telling me that one day I was gonna be his wife. What the hell am I supposed to think. I bet he got her pregnant. But you know what I dont wish him ill but I think I just might be sick. This is the lowest blow I have ever gotten. I am so glad I have some one that makes me smile now. Damn I wish Alex was here to hold me. I just wanna forget that the last four years ever happend.

Wow

Wow is all I have to say. I spent the night with Alex last night. It was nice. We watched a movie and slept. No you nasty brained people reading this, we didnt do anything. Hes so incredible. Ive never slept next to a man that did not expect anything. Alex just put his arms around me and off to sleep we were. Hes so cute when he sleeps. I watched him for a little while. He makes me smile. I feel safe with him. I am so proud of myself. I didnt freak out at all. Even though nothing happened I still normally freeze up at some point. Not at all last night. I was so comfortable. And he was so peaceful. Im still smiling at 7 in the morning. I woke up about 5:30 and woke him up. We layed around and talked for a little bit. It was so nice. Hes nice to be around in the mornings. I think it really is time that I just let go and followed what is going on in my heart. He is so amazing. I may never in a million years run across another man that I feel so strongly about. Wow...

feeling

Well now my day has been different. I talked to alex a bit ago. He is a sweetie. I was in such a bad mood and well now Im smiling. Damn his voice is soothing. He really is precious and very much a part of my soul at the moment. I dont know if that makes much sense but I really adore that man. He is wonderful. He makes me feel good about myself. Something that I havent felt in a long time. How is all that possible when I have only known him for a short time? All I know is I dont want to lose the connection that we have. Alex is special to me and that scares me some. It is about time I started living a life and stopped fearing the small things that I do fear. My shell is slowly opening. My only hope is that a pearl comes out instead of sand....

mindset of the present

The last few days I have spent in deep thought. Weather or not anyone around me has noticed it, I dont know. I am finally to the point where I think I am ready for major things to happen. Things I normally guard myself against. I am finding strength in places I did not know possible. I am gradually learning how to treat myself with more dignity and finding a deeper meaning in my life. Where the last few years of my life have been focused on another, I am now learning small joys that are all about me. Things in my life are moving at an abnormally comfortable but faster pace than I am used to. I tend to over analyze every small thing. I want to make every moment worth living. I am not sure what it is that made me realize that. All I know is I am sick of living a life where I have no life. My life is made up of the people around me and I some how manage to forget that I have to be happy some where in the process. Lately I have been reminded on a regular basis that I am precious. This is something no one has ever said to me. Save for one person. I am finding that I pay attention to small details that I never cared much for. Where I never really cared for the approval of Toby on my appearance, I find it uplifting and sensual to hear it from Alex. Not that I am comparing the two but I look now and realize that happiness for me was gone a long time ago. Months ago the thought that Toby and I would not be together for long started creeping in my head. I wonder now why I held on for so long. I came to the stark realization the other night that I am no longer in love with him. Like I said, I analyze the small details. I was thinking about the last time I was truly happy. Well I looked at my journal. It was back about two years ago. Then something terrible happened. Something we never told anyone about. Once again save for a few. My mother knew, Kristy knew, and We knew. Eventually I told a few people I truly trusted what happened to me. To this day I believe that one shortcoming in my life is the reason Toby and I were never truly excited anymore. Things went down hill from that day, January 7, 2002. So its been two and a half years. I have grieved heavily on that day and another holiday in which no one would think to think of me on. Now I regret that it happened. But I dont wish it to be different. I would most likely be more unhappy now than I was until Alex stepped in and made me smile. The faint idea of things with him is exciting. He brings out something in me that I cant explain. I sound like a corny fool but I think of him often. I think of all the prayers I prayed to send me something to make me whole again. God sent me Alex. Or that is what I think. I know I gave him this link. I dont want him to think I am crazy. I am not that. I just know that for the first time in a very long time I can feel that large crevice in my heart slowly but at the same time rapidly mend. The rift is closing. I no longer feel the pain that has been growing in me for the last few years. I know I sound stupid. I know I sound very crazy. But apart of me that I thought was dead has a new life. I cant even begin to explain that. But he has opened up that portion of my heart again. That comes with much fear for me. I am scared of love. I am scared of being loved. I am scared of heartbreak. But I am not scared of the pursuit of it. Im not saying that I am in love. I am saying that where I thought it was not possible before, I now believe that it is a possibility for me. I dont want that to scare Alex away. Lord knows I have run off a few really good guys because I have some messed up issues. I just pray that patience I have seen will extend for a longer period. Alex is helping me to live again. I thank God for that every night.

This was on August 23, 2004. I was on my way to my house to put on different clothes to see Alex. It was the first time we were to spend time together. If you look closely there are infact two rainbows. One is just very faint off next to the tree. I believe in signs... 

My day...

Ok so I havent written in a few days. I have had alot going on. Well Kristy went out last night. I have to say Joey is really nice. So far hes good. First impressions are a big thing to me. He really seems to like her and well Kristy really seems to like him. I am so glad to see her smiling again. I dont remember the last time she smiled like that. I got a new pink hat today. Ok we went to the Flea Market. Well Carey and I were trying on hats and that one was cool. So I got it. I really like the ugly thing even if it is pink. Pink is not a color I enjoy but I look good in it. I wore that hat to work tonight. Everyone told me how cute it was. So I guess I have a good one. I talked to Alex this morning. He made my day yesterday by showing up at work. I was smiling all night after that. Today I ran into his mom at the Flea Market. I wanted to cry cause she walked up and hugged me. I havent even known her a month and she hugged me. That made me feel so good. His dad doesnt say much but I ran into him a few minutes later. I didnt see him until he stepped out and put his hand infront of my face. He actually talked and asked what I was doing. I told him I was just running around and getting out of the house. Both of them complimented my hat. Mrs. Bowman said I should wear lots of pink cause it is a great color on me. So hmmm I heard that a hundred times today. I guess I will wear pink more often. I got so many compliments on it. Well a bit after I got to work I decided to call Alex and tell him that I had seen them. Well he was gone. No biggie. His mom and I talked for a few minutes. Mrs. Bowman and I talked for about 10 minutes. She is so sweet. Shes so cute when she talks about Alex. He is her baby. I know she is crazy about her boy. We have interesting conversation and Alex always wants to know what we talked about. Ok sweetie if your reading this nope still aint telling you... But we talked about birthdays today. Hmmm... No Im not saying nothing cause we didnt say much bout yours lol. But thats coming up here quick...

Progress

Ever looked back on a period of your life and thought you regretted it, then you wake up one day and realize it made you a better person? I feel that way. Although I have one more ghost to deal with. That would be facing Toby to give him his belongings. He said to trash them. I dont think so. Some of this is stuff he really cherishes. Why would I throw his stuff in the trash? Im not that mean spirited. Im slowly moving on and learning new things about myself. Im learning so much that I cant believe that there was another person hidden in me all these years. Who I am is slowly coming out. Im working on those fences and stone walls. Slowly they are coming down, board by board, brick by brick. One day I hope to be a carefree person. For now Im healing and learning and moving on as I have said a hundred times. Tonight I had a good night. Alex made me smile and even though we just layed around and watched a movie I enjoyed myself. Hes really bringing out alot in me. I hope he knows that even though he may not see the progress I feel it. Every time we are together I leave renewed and smiling. I dont remember when the last time I felt like that was.

Fences

I built all these fences around my heart a while back. Well I dont know what to say about that. Alex is trying his best to tear them down. Hes got a few of them down. Hes workin on it. We layed around and talked for a while last night. I feel bad cause with out realizing it I will dodge questions that I dont know how to answer. It took lots of coaxing for Alex to get some of it out of me. I feel bad cause I want him to be able to know me with out me freaking out over small stuff. I really am enjoying spending time with him. I still have Toby some where in me though. He hurt me. He hurt me badly. My heart and soul are so bruised that I dont know what they even look like anymore. Slowly I am learning to live as an individual but Im afraid thats gonna push every one away. I dont know myself anymore. There are some places in my heart and soul that I cant go cause theres just too much us involved. But things with Alex are more intimate. Not sexually but intimate. I dont know how to describe that. We have a different level of it that wasnt there with Toby. Theres so much in my life that I am scared to let people see or know about. I am scared to death of falling for Alex. Hes incredible. He is so different from every guy I know. Yet at the same time he is just a man. I am so scared of falling for him but Im already crazy about him and that scares me even more. I was so comfortable with all my fences and now that they are being torn down its like Im walkin around naked. Oh I dont know what my life is right now...

New stuff

Hey guys I have a guest map and message forum on here now. Look at the bottom of the page and then click on the icon. Easy as pie. I know Hope, Allie and James Earl will be there. But anyone is welcome to it. Love all ya!

Thoughts at 2 am

Alex called me a little bit ago. Hes so sweet. Im gonna be grinning all day long. Im not going to even discuss what we talked about. Hmmmm. Now Im gonna be up all night. I think I am going over there after work tomarrow night. Means I gotta look cute. Hmmm what to wear... Only thing he said was sexy panties.... Like hes gonna see them I guess. I dont know. Hmm Im retarded tonight. But thanks to Alex Im all smiles again. All kinds of things are running threw my head at 2 am. Things that dont normally go on in my head. Jeeze Im losing my mind....

Frustrated

Ok so I found out last week that John Watson is married. Ok well that really pisses me off. In the time hes been botherin me he never wore a ring and never once mentioned it. I really had no clue. Well last weekend his wife came in. That was super embarrassing. But thank God she has no idea what scum he is. That was relieving. But the ass has the nerve to come in tonight and suggest some things to do at work while I had nothing to do. I just politely stated that I could call Alex and have him come entertain me. Oh Im sorry was I a little mean. On the up side, Alex made me smile. Though I will keep to myself what was said. We talked about adventure and stuff and well hes convinced hes gonna bring me out of my shell. Im sure he could. Hes pretty crazy when he wants to be. I really like him. He cracks me up. Hes goofy sometimes. Its kinda cute. I tend to be goofy alot so its nice to be around someone I have alot in common with. Im not looking forward to the weekend. With officer dipshit Watson on duty it will be nice and frustrating. Im sick of married men hitting on me. Of coarse my schedule is so screwed up I cant even make daytime plans. Im sick of all the shit. Frustrated is the word of the day.

Happiness

So last night I found out that Toby is in New Mexico with his new girlfriend. Funny thing is Im not bothered much by it. Chana told me that was where he was. I am not really surprised by it but I cant say as it really bothers me. It kind of frees me a little more to go after what I want. Chana told her mother that I started dating again. Shes proud of me. Antonia told me that she thinks Toby will run back to me as soon as he realizes what a shit hes being. I dont want that. I want to explore what could be else where. Im totally loving the time Im spending with another man and well I dont need Toby for my happiness. I still stand by what I said to him though. Love is indeed the condition in which anothers happiness is essential to your own. He says hes happy. Im smiling again and to tell you the truth he has nothing to do with that and it feels great. Im excited about life again. I owe it to Alex.

Kristy Sue

Kristy and Jason had a jet ski accident earlier. She should have gone to the emergency room then but she didnt. Well now she and Donna and Kathy are all up there. Im super worried. I havent been to bed yet. Im so worried. She couldnt walk by herself. Im not sure what to think. She cant take meds so thats out. Im thinkin bad concussion. You should see the bruise on her head. Im worried cause I commented earlier that she should go to the doctor. She rufused it. Im really worried they have been gone a few hours and still no news. Im gonna drive myself insane. Shes my best friend and I love her. I dont know what I would do with out her. I know this is a minor thing but Im still worried.

Mitch pisses me off

Man my head is full of thoughts today. Im just so scatter brained. Mitch really pissed me off. The last few weeks I have felt really good about myself. Mitch came in and asked if I was in an accident too cause I looked like I wasnt feeling too good. I was like Gee thanks there asshole my self confidence just went down the tube. Alex spends all this time telling me how pretty I am. I actually start to think it and Mitch shoots it down. Then when I said something he was like "hey Im just pickin." Ok well hell I know Im not gorgeous but hell every time I start to feel good about myself he has to open his big mouth. Last time he said he didnt know how I could look in the mirror when I live with Kristy and shes so pretty. Then theres Carey and shes just beautiful. I was like huh. I dont really think about what they look like. But that hurt. Why didnt he just come right the fuck out and say hey your ugly. Wouldnt hurt as bad if he did. I dont really care what he thinks cause generally Mitch pisses me off. But I have never done anything to him to ask for that kind of shit off him. I need a smile right now. Im unexcited I have to get up super early in the morning but I dont mind. I like going places with Mamaw. Im totally bummed and I attribute it all back to that shit head. Im like totally ready to get the hell out of here for a while. I need some time out of the house. Kristy and Jason wrecked the jet skis earlier. She most likely has a concusion. The damn thing hit her in the head. Shes got a huge bruise. Poor thing missed work tonight and might miss in the morning. Im turning completly girly I painted my finger nails and did my toe nails to match. Alex calls it pampering myself. Ok so I did. But thats weird to me. Im not usually so damn girly.....

hmmm what goes on in my head...

Ok well last night I totally clammed up on Alex. I know I have already said that most likely. But damn Im an idiot. He said something and well I just froze. The thought that went screaming threw my head was a bet that Kristy and Carey made. They are placing stakes on my sex life. Ok sure its been a while. A long while. But damn. So when Alex asked me if I was ok last night I said yes. Well he asked why I got all nervous. So I told him. He was actually more accepting of it than I thought. I flat out told him about the bet they have and damn if he dont want in on the action. Im not lying that just cracked me up. So yeah. Ok so Im a little closed off on the sex thing. Im scared to death of it right now. But Toby always just expected sex. It wasnt something I had alot of choice about. Dont get me wrong I had a good time. But no was never an option. If I said no I was ignored or he would run his mouth to every one about my short comings. Ok well lets see hes 8 years older than me so ok he has lots more experience than I do. Sorry if I wasnt super freak. Im not gonna lie though Alex really makes me melt. That scares the shit out of me. He will reach out and touch my hand or arm and my insides are gone. Its like weird. I have this wall around me and well he got in some how. He makes me feel so good about myself. Ive never had anyone look me in the eye and say I was beautiful. It makes me feel beautiful. I dont know how to respond to that. I guess that can get frustrating. But hell he tells me what he thinks about me. About what he wants. I cant express that stuff. I dont know what stops me but I am not real vocal about what I want. Never have been. Im scared to death that Im gonna scare this incredible man away with my fucked up ways. Hes so smart. I learn something new every time I go over there. I am litterally fighting with in my self to stay still and not do anything that I may regret later. Sex is a big deal for me. I reserve my body for love. I want desparately to know what that is one day. On the other had I look and say man Im a prude and curse myself for having these values. Why cant I be normal and not care about what happens to my body. I have worked so hard to keep myself in check. I try even harder to play by the rules that God put on me. But well I screwed up there with Toby. Hell I gave him the only thing I had to offer the man I marry. My body. Now I sit back and wonder what the hell was I thinking. Will I ever know what true love is? Is it really out there for me? Should I really baby my body the way I do? Why the hell cant I be more open about my sexual feelings? Ok I know you are reading this Hope. Im sorry this is so expicit but Im trying to identify who I am. I have all the same needs an feelings any other woman my age does but Im impaired emotionally. All this goes on in my head. But Alex has made me smile and laugh again. I wear this huge smile every time I think of him. Just remembering the way he touches my arms or holds my hand or kisses my hair when we are laying around. It makes me realize I never got anything close to that with Toby. Im scared of what is happening with me. I am scared to let some one else in. but Alex makes all of the pain go away. He makes me smile and realize I have a choice. Im happy just to be near him. I even dress nice just for him. I want to be that beautiful girl he sees. I want to feel as beautiful as he makes me feel. Its all new to me...