Hidden Talents, Bad Traits....

I went to Borger this weekend. I miss Hope already. We really had fun this week. Talked to Kevin a few times. I am seriously worried about him. Yes I know you are reading this. But I have told you this already. Cant help it. You grow to love the best of your friends. This maybe aside from Kristy the one true friend I have in the world. If I were dying I know the two of them would be right there by my side no matter what. You dont know how much that means to a girl who has lived a life trying to excel at everything just to gain little recognition from anyone. Not that I wanted attention, I wanted some one to notice me. I wanted some of my talents to be praised. I have several that few know about. Some that people have heard about but never seeen. Like singing for instance. Sure Im pretty good. But no one hears it. I will sing when Kristy is around. Kevin, I dont know if he has heard me outside of when we were in choir together. Talk about a talent. That boy has it. Then I used to dance. I didnt keep that hidden. I guess I was pretty good. But a knee injury in severe form blew that out of the water. Lets see walk or dance??? I love the dancing but I need to be able to walk. So after graduation that pretty much went down the tube. I write. Now Kevin and Kristy both get on me about trying to do something with it. I just dont know that I have that kind of confidence in myself. I mean Im not stupid I know some of my poetry is pretty good. But I dont know the first thing about getting anything published. So what good does it do me. See for the most part I keep my talents hidden. I think it shall remain that way. Kevin can read it and tell me what he thinks. He always does. For the most part though the poetry is a tale of my life, and the others I love. Occassionally its not. But thats how I am. I draw from pain and happiness. Just seems I have been dealt more pain than happiness. One day I hope to be a happy person. I mean Im happy but Im emotionally a train wreck. I am cleaning out the closet of my life right now. Heres what I have found out......
The biggest note any one person totes, or all of us for that matter, is the note of guilt and shame. I tote that note in a big way. I make myself pay for things I probably shouldnt. I know I hurt the people I love the most. I usually run the ones I love out of my life one way or another. To me I am protecting myself from pain, truth is it just causes more. For example, James. He says I didnt hurt him as bad as he hurt me. Truthfully I could have been more understanding and not let my temper flare. Where I am hurt is where I got lied to. Case and point is a blog I accidentally stumbled upon. When you love some one that much all you can do is protect your heart. Mine is bare right now. I am moving on with my life. Though my heart still loves him. Truthfully I hope that hes happy. I just wish I still had the friend I once had. Sad but true. Another point. Jonah Ramirez. The boy has talent. I wont deny that. He has always for the last 6 years told me that he loves me. What do I do? I walk out of his life the minute I find that out. Then when I am in contact with him again he reveals to me how he compares all his girl friends to me. Always says "shes great, but shes no Mandie." I hurt that boy for no real good reason other than to protect my heart. Silly thing is he still cares about me. I hurt the people I care about the most threw no fault of their own. I have a hell of a temper and to a point I control it. But when I get good and fired up boom! Run away fast. Or I will say something that hurts. I shouldnt be that way and I dont mean to be. But its in the fabric of my genes. What can I say Im flawed.. But arent we all....