Self Description

Suddenly it occurs to me that I am no longer the kid I used to be. I mean I haven't been a kid for a long time. I grew up alot faster than the other kids my age. I have been places and seen things that only few can imagine. There have been profound moments of truth in my life already even though I am only 23. With each passing day I see a new person. I look in the mirror and realize that my life may be flawed but it is flows with the punches and breaks. I matured on a spiritual level at an early age then let it slip away as I explored other areas of my life. I look back and realize that I used to have this reserve of strength that I drew from. That reserve came from the spiritual faith that I had. To an extent I still have this faith. Though I have strayed it is ever present in my life. Though I dont always ask God to help me he is always there pushing me along. At times it seems I do more screaming at God than I do talking. I do more asking for than I do giving to. My upbringing was stable. That is if you call having a dad that was never around and a mom that did her best to show the love of two parents normal. I have loved and lost. I have yet to win the most important battles of life. The most important lesson I have learned is how to be loved and love in return. This being a lesson I am learning even to this day. I locked my heart away years ago and still rarely let people into it for fear of hurt and pain. I stand up for what I believe in but dont really care if anyone else sees those things from the same perspective. I bleed just like the next person. I cry on a fairly regular basis. I laugh whole heartedly when I am amused. I keep things pent up inside of me until I reach a breaking point. Generally I end up hurting more for trying not to hurt another person with my anger, fears and frustrations. My worst fear is living and not loving and being loved in return with every fiber of being in me. Failure is not acceptable in myself. I have goals and dreams that I intend to see through. I feel guilt for not revealing my emotions to the people I have loved the most and lost. I go for drives and stay gone for hours on end just to have time alone. Trust is not easily awarded by me. I tend to be aware of all aspects of a person before I will let my guard down, and that has been known to take me years. I have deep hidden pain that I chose to reveal to only those closest to my heart. I have shame that I tell no one about. My life is a vast kalidescope of pain, love, and fear. That odd combination makes me the portrait of anything but innocence. I find it hard to reveal myself to people. Upon meeting me you will see a smile and a false front just so that you wont know me. My friendly demeanor and my politeness are genuine, but my soul is never revealed to anyone but the ones who take the time to find it. I have a deep respect for those in an elder position agewise than myself. They are the ones I look to for the most important lessons in life. I am ever searching for a way to better myself even if it is only for my own benefit. I care not what others think when they look at me. Look into my eyes and you will see a puzzle that is not yet complete. All I ask is not to try to seek the deeper meaning behind the hurt that has so often filled them. When I am happy it radiates from me like a spark lighted on a clear summer night. When in love my heart is obvious to all around me. Rarely do I find comfort with some one so true that I can sit with them in silence. The kid in me is now out to lunch, for the life I have chose to live no longer allows that kid.

*****I wrote this a while back. I just found it on my computer a few nights ago. I find it quite fitting at this time. I have soo much growing left to do.