Nervousness and honesty

Well I went to the doctor on Tuesday morning. Annual check up, you know the one every woman hates going to. I mean after all it is no fun to put your foot up in the stir ups and let some one look at and feel you. I know its all to make sure you are healthy, but I hate going. This doctor is quite nice, and I was very comfortable with him. He explained every thing to me, and took the time to answer any and all of my questions. After my breast exam, he did recomend further testing. I agree. I have put it off long enough.
Friday morning, I have yet another doctors appointment. Dr Bassett wont be with me, but if they find something solid then I will then have to go discuss further treatment. Basically on a woman my age, a mammogram is not the most reliable test. So I am going in for a sonogram, much like a woman has during pregnancy. Only difference is that it is on my breast. I am assured that it doesnt hurt, or cause discomfort. So I am not really worried about that. I am worried at the outcome. I have decided to go at this test alone. I am not going to take any one with me for support. I need to face this on my own, i think.
I am told that if it is solid then I need to worry. If it isnt then I will be fine. Im praying for fibrous, since thats the one thats not bad. I have put this testing off for more than a year. The first lump we found I was 19 so i do have a history of lumps, just never went far enough to have anything done about them. After all women my age just dont get breast cancer, and thats a load of shit. Its just not common.
Cancer is like an ugly four lettered word no one wants to think of or utter. I believe I will be fine. I believe that this is nothing more than my own mind psyching me out, I will be fine. I will go into that doctors office and get that sonogram, they will tell me that I have no solid cyst, and I will walk out ready to celebrate(sit in class for 4 hours actually). Anyone else think that I am crazy?

Hodgepodge of things.

Ok so the other day I was absolutely overwhelmed with my sisters wedding. Yeah I admit Im a bitch just a little, but shes crazy. I do love my sister, Lisa, but it turns out the whole family is kind of feeling like shes overstepping her boundaries, and asking too much of us. I personally just feel like the pressured one, I havent been in a position that a man loved me enough to propose. I get a million questions every time I am around my extended family about why I am not married yet. Makes me feel a little like the preverbial old maid. Thats right, old maid, this at 24!

So onto better things, Im sure you will be hearing so much more about this shit in future blogs, so why bother you tonight! Im in school again for the quarter, taking World Civ I and American Government and Politics. Both classes are boring me like crazy, but hey thats life right? I dont know, Govt isnt so bad, but Civ sucks. Its four hours of torture every Friday!

On the work front, I am interviewing to become permanent in the position I have been in for more than a year now. I am a total nervous wreck about that. But with any luck I will be fine. But since there are four temps and 4 open spots, with open applications to every one who qualifies, Im going insane! We will just have to pray and see what happens.

I went on "vacation," though I worked during it, a few weeks ago. One of my favorite co-workers and I went to Miami, Florida! Goodness it was pretty there. We had a room over looking Biscayne Bay. It was so nice. We worked about 5 hours on our trip then spent 4 days running around, shopping, going to the beach, eating (we ate all the time), and things of the such. We had a really good time! Vicki and I took a tour of Star Island, this is an island that all these celebrities live on. It is really beautiful. We even got to see Will Smith and his family in their home! Totally cool! Vicki and I toured our reservation center there, it was so little! But it was nice. We got to see our former boss, Nick. It was fun to see him and go to see where it is that he is working, living and hanging out these days. I loved Miami.

In other news, I am going to the doctor in the morning. Yearly check up but who knows what may happen this time. All I know is I am ready to get it over with and its not even happened yet!

I hope to be on and writing more in the future! I am trying! With work, school and every thing that comes up, its been dificult! I miss corresponding with every one! Hope is back from Qatar! She will be home in Omaha on October 9th!!!!! I can not wait to see the munchkin!

My mother and I will be participating in the Susan G. Komen Race for the Cure on October 8, to help raise money for breast cancer research. Any of you who know me, know that I support this cause with every chance I get, I have a connection to the cause. I wear my pink ribbon all year round! If I can impress anything on you, let it be this, check yourself regularly! It can happen to anyone!

always the bridesmaid....

Ever heard that old saying, "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"? That would be me. Why is it that Ive had these super long relationships, and nothing as of yet has ever really materialized? My older sister however, is on her second marriage in the term of these six years of my relationships. Is there something I am doing wrong that the men I have loved and the one I love now, has no interest in a marriage type future?

Im feeling like the eternal bridesmaid at the moment. Lisa, and three of my other friends all got engaged over the last weekend. Im kinda like, ok when is it gonna be my turn. I know that I am gonna be with Adam, but why do I feel like this? Why do I feel like I wanna pull my hair out every time a girlfriend or sister (lisa) flashes their pretty little ring in my face!

I am now dealing with her sending pictures of her trying on wedding gowns! Damnit! I just want to scream:

"YOU CANT HAVE THIS HUGE, CRAZY WEDDING THAT YOU SHOULD ONLY HAVE THE RIGHT TO ON YOUR FIRST WEDDING! YOU ARENT A VIRGIN, DONT WEAR WHITE! YOU CANT MAKE ME BE THE BLUSHING BRIDESMAID AND DAMNIT ITS MY TURN TO GET MARRIED NOT YOURS! THIS IS FREAKING RIDICULOUS!"

But the calm side of me isnt saying it! I just hate that Ive put so much time into being in serious relationships, and each time I get left in the cold. Not that Im not in a great relationship now, I am. I just have to wait and whine and cry, then hopefully one day I will be the one that is getting married. You know that shes so damn happy and she knows how I wish it were me. But it will never really matter because she will always be the one that gets the goods.

I guess I should settle in to the idea that I will always be the bridesmaid, and never be the bride. What really bothers me is that when it is my turn, my family will have already lost the luster of the beautiful ceremony because my sister has beat it in the ground twice!!!!!!! GRRRR!

Good-bye

I think of you every day,
I wonder what would be,
I cant contemplate that your gone,
But I am assured that you are.

I wish I could go back,
Tell you all the secrets I have,
Laugh with you about every thing,
Cry with you in sadness.

I think of how much time we lost,
How we went separate ways, though I never forgot,
You were my friend, unwaivering.

It seems so cruel that you are gone,
Yet I sit here,
I hate how it happend,
But know it was probably just how it was planned.

I wish I could tell you just one more time,
I wish I could talk to you just one more time,
I wish I could go back to those carefree days,
The ones where we would live for ever.

I wish I could tell you just one more time,
That your laughter brightend my days,
Your song lifted my spirits.

You were my sister, my friend,
I wish I had told you,
Good-bye.

I know that sometimes I am hard to be around. I dont know how to deal with myself sometimes. Today started out great. I got home from work, it was even better. But now I sit here contemplating where it went wrong.

Its been a while!

Well its been forever since I logged on! I have had so much going on. Getting ready to start school again for the year. Works been crazy and I am getting ready to move to a new apartment. Adam and I are looking for a house, and we are nuts.
Both of us are doing well in our jobs, and have a great relationship. I hate how sometimes my moods and attitudes can make everything complicated,but some how he ends up hold me up to my abilities.
Hope is still over seas. She is supposed to come home some time soon, but no home date yet. I am sooo ready for her to come home!!!!

Todays thoughts

Hey every one! I havent been on in a while. Things on the home front are going quite well. The munchkin called the other day. She says its hotter than hell in that desert but beautiful. She is in a small country outside of Iraq called Qatar. I dont care how beautiful it is, I want her to be back home. But she is doing her job, and serving her country. What a good kid. I do miss her though!!!
So Adam was in a car accident yesterday. A metal bar deflected off of the truck infront of him smashing that trucks windshield. Then that bar hit his hood, cracking his windshield and then some how bounced around and shattered his driver side window. Amazingly enough he came away with no injuries accept a small cut on his left wrist.
It really scares me to think that with in a blink of an eye he could have been gone. I dont knwo what I would do if something happened to him at this point. I am rather attached to him. He makes up such a major part of who I am right now. He makes me laugh, smile and helps me when I need some one to be there. I love him so much more than I ever thought was possible. Right now, for so many reasons, I am counting my blessings.

shes gone.

well shes gone. my baby sister, hope, left yesterday morning to go to the pit of hell. previous to sharing my thoughts publically, i have confided in only two people about my feelings on this. thank you alexa and eric for such comforting words.
hope is the sister i lovingly refer to as munchkin, for those of you who dont know who i am speaking of. she is only 19 and in the military. now dont think for one minute that i do not believe in what she is doing over there, i do. she believes in the cause she is going to support, thus making the effort being put forth all worth the struggle.
i worry, however, what the outcome will be. as the morning progressed yesterday, she called me at least 4 times. in between our conversations she was busy calling and telling every one else how much she loves them. now we are all praying that those were just like any other conversation, one that she will return to at a later date. for now we just have to wait and pray.
when we hung up the phone yesterday, that final time, i just wanted to cry. shes my munchkin, the kid who crawled in bed with me every night that was humanly possible. the kid who told my boyfriends they would have to move over or get out cause thats her spot on the couch or on the bed. i guess that now i should refer to her as the young lady, rather than the kid. to me though she will always be the kid that made me laugh or cuddled up to me on the nights that she was sick or upset. that kid that i would turn barney on in the bedroom just to run her out of there in the mornings, sure fire way to get her out of bed.
shes my sister, one of my closest confidants and my friend. i dont quite know how to take her not being in a safe place. all i can do is pray that her tour is over fast and she will be shipped home running for us like she has when coming home from everything else. God, please keep that baby safe................

hmm

so now i learn the value of real honest to God love and trust. adam is gone for three weeks to portland, oregon, for work. all of you who know me best, know that i have a slight fault in the way my inner workings are in the area of love when my partner is mia. well, i have a sneaking suspicion that this is God teaching me about trusting.
now dont get me wrong, i completely love and trust adam. its just a hang up of mine that i have these slightly intense feelings about him traveling. i know it is all due to my past relationship and what happend when he was on the road. but, i also have come to realize that adam loves me and wont do the same as the other did.
so heres to three weeks of sitting here by myself. hey who knows maybe the time away from each other will be a good thing. the only thing i do know is im already ready for him to be home again.

Update of me!

Sorry guys that it has taken me so long to write. Finals are this week at school. Last week starting Monday night, I was sick. Yes, I once again foiled Valentines day. Lol Adam went out and had fun while I slept the night away sicker than a dog. Of coarse I told him too. I didnt feel it was right for him to have to sit at home and be bored just because I couldnt go out and play. So I spent several days with a nagging fever and still have that cough. Adam also now has this cough and is sick. I feel so bad that he is ill, it is all because he wanted to stick around and take care of me. He was wonderful. I dont know how I would have made it last week with out him. Its amazing that he didnt get sick until after I was over it all.
But life is fast these days. Hope has a birthday today! Shes gettin so old! But shes still my munchkin sister! I love you HOPE!!
Other than that theres no news. Im ever the same. Love you guys!

Been a while

Sorry guys that its been a few weeks. I have had alot going on. Last week a friend of mine from high school died. I have spent several days keeping it all in. I talked to Anastasia about it and took all my pain out on my sweet boyfriend at home. At points he would be talking and I would just be spaced out and I would not even hear him. Hes taken it all so well. I feel like I have neglected him in my own sorrow.
I have basically only talked to April C and Anastasia about it. I hate that I lost touch with so many people and have been making a very huge effort to connect with the ones I loved. I have sent so many emails to so many people to let them know how much they meant to me at one point and that I hate how long its been that I let that go by.
April told me that she loved me and that she missed me. Cynthia and I have exchanged several I miss you and I love yous. Its amazing how one persons passing makes every one realize who they have missplaced. Ive expressed things to April that I havent expressed to anyone. Thing is in high school we were not that close. She seems to be one of the best friends I could have ever asked for.
Shes proving that to me every day. We sat and wrote each other back and forth for hours the last few days. God I miss her. Eventually we will have to meet up and have a weekend of fun or something. We have already decided that. Shes promised me to make sure that Lisa is well treated and is going out with her this weekend. She feels the way I do right now. Dont just let go of these people. What happens when some one who really made an impression on you dies and you never told them? You begin to feel like I have over Emily's death. It hurts. Dont let that happen to you. Please make sure that the people who you love know exactly how you feel about them. Make sure your friends know exactly how much you love them. It is worth it trust me.

2005 in review

Well this year has been some kind of interesting. Not all good but for the most part. I learned alot this year. But some things were lessons that I could never have learned with out pain.

January
Started out ok. I moved to Omaha to leave the pain behind.
February
My depression set in pretty deep. But I got help. Kristy calls to tell me she is engaged.
March
My Hope came to visit me for Spring Break. She was introduced to a friend of mine online and became responsible for us eventually ending up together. Kristy calls to tell me that shes pregnant.
April
I started working for Marriott. I went on the first date with Adam. Kristy calls to tell me shes married.
May
Yeah it took around5 weeks or so for me to get up the nerve to accept another invite to go out. But I finally did it. Adam is set in my life now. I went back to Texas to see Hope graduate. Boy is she getting old. My grandmother comes home with us to visit.
June
Just about this whole month my life is revolving around work and Adam. Got my first taste of the College World Series. Matt and Hope move home.
July
Hope leaves us to go to the US Air Force. Shes really not a baby anymore. I put in an application for a promotional position at work. I move into my new apartment. Adam tells me that he loves me.
August
I start the month with my nerve racking interview with Nick. About a week later I recieve the news that I will be offered the position. I start end of the month. We all go to San Antonio to see Hope for the first time in what seems like forever. Shes a US Airman now. During the entire trip my feet are swollen like crazy.
September
Kristy finally tells me shes gonna have a girl. Hope starts calling home most nights. Adam's sister got married, I met his dad. Adam and I took a trip to KC sometime this month.
October
Astros make the World Series! Hope comes home for around two weeks. Kristy calls to tell me that theres a new baby girl around.
November
Adam and I took a trip to Chicago. Man that is a beautiful town. Gone to see Dave Matthews Band.
December
Too busy. Shopping, Bills, Parties. Christmas and Christmas Eve held work for me. New years Eve had potential but wasnt what it should have been. I can mess anything up.

I wonder now what will be next. Only the months can tell us.

Christmas

Well we only have a few days now. I am so broke it is ridiculous. I still have to do some shopping too thats the bad part. I have just enough in my bank account to do my rent and my truck. So I am dead broke.
I like the holidays but the expense sucks.

Christmas is only 9 days away. No I am not excited but for the moment I only have to get three more presents. That way I have everyone in my house covered for the stuff we are doing on Christmas Eve. I still need to do something though for Adam's sisters. Other than them I dont have to do much. Just stocking stuffers for Adam.
Next.... One of my favorite people here at work is getting ready to have a baby. She is not due until January 9th. But she is dialated to 3 cm right now. So we could have a kid at any point now. Another lady here was having her baby today. So we are baby happy in this department. Oh I love babies.

blah blah blah

Doesnt the idea of an idiot who thinks they know everything about your job just infuriate you. I am a supervisor at my job and work in several departments. I just had one of our wonderful agents on the line from a location in Florida. He had the rudest jerk at his desk screaming obscenities at him. I would not have let him check in if I were this agent. I would have called the police regardless of his status in membership. I would have also followed that up with a call to member services to report him for the type of language he used. It was just uncalled for. I actually told our agent not to take him and not to take his crap to write down all his information and give that to his manager for further action on this jerk.
I mean come on. If you go to a person's place of work or if you call them to get their help, dont act like an ass. If you do no one wants to help you. Theres nothing I enjoy more than to hang flat up in someone's face when they treat me like crap. I am not on the other end of this phone line for any persons abuse. I am here to give a valuable service to our many guests and agents. So I hate to hear any one act that way to me, my co workers or our fellow agents. Its just uncalled for.
Ok now that I am off of my soapbox. I have completed my English Comp paper. It turned out pretty ok. My friend Seth helped me while we had down time at work. Im hoping it turned out well in my professor's eyes.

Creative writing and other things

So I had another one of those dreams yesterday morning. If I had just gotten up when Adam went to work I wouldnt have subjected myself to it. This time I was running through a cornfield. Yes I know sounds stupid. But I was being chased by a man in a corn harvester or what ever the heck that big farm machinery thing is. I dont recall who the person was this time. But the man once again got a friend of mine. When I ran out of cornfield to run through, I ran into this house. The lady in the house picked up the phone to call the cops and get me some help when the man came in and shot her. Ok so why is this happening. Just as I run out the door with the man hot on my heals, my cell phone rang and I woke up. Talk being saved again.
Im so sick of these dreams.

So I am sitting here at work and have been staring at some blank pages most of the night. I have yet to get my assignment for writing done yet. I just cant draw a single bead of thought. Its due Monday and the only thing I can get is stupid. I have to write a letter to a friend or such that is a portrait of myself. I have to use metaphors, similies and figurative language to describe my physical being, personality and likes and dislikes. Problem is I can not come up with anything to save my life. I thought this assignment would be fun but it has become extremly hard for me. Plus we have to share these in class on Monday morning. I just dont know what I am going to share with every one... I have no clue what to even come close to writing. Any ideas???

My father.... What can I say. He keeps tryin to call me and I keep not answering. Its not that I dont love my dad. Because I do. Either he calls at a time I can not get to the phone or he calls and I dont have the phone on me. So I havent avoided him in so many words. But why do I feel guilty? I shouldnt. He hasnt always been there for me. I just need time of my own. I dont want him showing up here. I dont want him showing up and screwing up anything for Matt, Mom and me. We are all doing so well that I dont want him to mess that up. I know that sounds cruel. But if you knew anything about the history of us and him you would understand. Matt and I are not buying his sob stories. Lisas tired of his crap and Hope refuses to let him contact her and will change her number if he gets his hands on it. So do you think we are all bad children? I hope not. We are just the children that cant handle any more pain or suffering on his behalf.

My mom on the other hand is wonderful. Matt and I are going in on halves for her for a present that she has always wanted for christmas. I cant wait to see her face when she opens her gift. Adam, Bill and I are going shopping in the morning to pick out the right one. I am so excited. I really am glad that we can do something so nice for her this year. Matt is too. We are very attached to our mother considering that she has never ever left us the way our dad has. She has always been there and stood by us even when we were miles away and were not able to see her on a regular basis. Mom is our rock.

Ok time for me to get back to the paper I have no clue how I am going to get through. Hmm lets see if I can even get any ideas on the paper that I am writing notes on. So far all my notes suck. Lets hear it for similies, metaphors and figurative language! Im about as creative as a wet brick. Go me!

Algerbra teacher from Hell

Ok so now I am in school. My English Comp professor is awesome. But my Algebra teacher is a little excentric. If she hears your cell phone go off you have to bring in cookies or donuts for the entire class the next time we meet. Ummm I dont think so...
I have my first quiz tomarrow. Nope Im not excited. Infact I am freaked out. I dont know how well I will do considering I am having to teach this crap to myself. She just doesnt teach very thoroughly. I dont care for her teaching style and she comes across insulting. Yesterday she informed all of us that if we were working 30 or more hours a week and going to school that there was no way that we would ever make it. What??? Umm thanks for the encouragement. I dont appreciate being told that I wont make it just because I have more than just her class that is going on in my life. Nope sorry. I dont even have time for fun. But thanks alot Ms thing. I feel so good about my taking a class with such a negative teacher.
I felt like she was singling me out when she did that. I mean I had talked to her on the phone and she told me that she thought that I would have a hard time based on the hours I work. Well duh. But she doesnt have the right to say that. I know that she made several other people furious with her condescending remarks. I am thinking about staying after to talk to her about the way she came across and let her know that I feel totally insulted by this and a few other things that happened in our class yesterday.

Dave and Gavin personal review

Ok so now that the crap has been written down for consumption of the general masses. Heres the fun stuff.
We went to see Dave Matthews and Gavin DeGraw on Sunday night. Yeah it was a great show. I think though that I enjoyed Gavin DeGraw the most because he was extremely crowd pleasing. I love an interactive entertainer. He jumped off the stage and walked through the crowds. It was just hilarious.
Dave played for a long time. They just didnt play as much of the music that they are known for as many of the people around me expected. Several people sitting in our vacinity commented on this. Where generally I love to just listen to the bands jam out, thats like all they did. Im talking 5 minute intros, longer endings. You litterally could have gotten up and gone to get a drink or to the restroom in between every single song. Dont get me wrong it was a great show. But when you pay 60.00 a ticket thats just disappointing. Even Adams sisters felt that way. These girls are die hard. They go to see these guys everytime they are in driving distance. So they have seen them several times. We did enjoy ourselves though. Like I said it was a great concert I just would have loved to see more interaction from Dave and more of the music that we love and less jam sessions. Maybe Im spoiled but thats how I feel. I am still a fan. I still love their music, but I am just generally disappointed in the show.

Returning dream

Lately I have been having terrible dreams. One I have already shared. But they keep coming. Every time I escape but some one I love does not. The person that is terrorizing me is someone I moved states away from. Some one who has always since the day he entered my life, struck fear in the depths of my soul. Only later to find out my fears were very wise. There was always something about him that sat bad with me. Then the local police gave me background on him. Yeah so I thought that when I left Texas I would never think of him again.
Why all of the sudden is he showing up in my dreams and causing me so much pain and hurting the ones I love the most. Even people that I have just slight associations with. I am to the point that if I am at home alone I do not sleep for fear of not being able to stop the dreams this time. Last night Adam was not home and I slept only two hours before he was home to get ready for work. I could not sleep and if I did start to doze off the slightest noise caused me to come to full alert.
I feel haunted by this person and these horrible dreams. They have only gotten worse and more graphic. Adam has woke me up once and I have managed to wake myself up several other times. Thing is these dreams are so disgusting I dont feel comfortable nor safe disclosing exactly what happens in them. I of coarse tell Adam. I dont tell my mother because I dont want her to freak out and suggest a shrink. Forget that. I am not paying some guy to sit and listen to me spill my soul about something that is not real. My only question is why does this keep happening????

Items of thought today

Tomarrow is the day Adam has been waiting for for a long time. We will be on our way to see Dave Matthews Band tomarrow night. This is Adams favorite band. Ok Im not the biggest fan but I have always enjoyed their music. Fan yes, fanatic no. Needless to say though, I am excited. I am excited because Adam is trying not to be. Every year he opts not to go with his sisters. This year he finally decided to give in and go with them. I know that tomarrow he will be unbearably crazy to live with until after the concert is over. He is already fidgety and cant sit still. Almost like time can not move by fast enough. Hes so cute.
Next item up for bid....
I heard from an old friend the other day. Which normally that kind of thing is a joy. But why did my skin crawl this time?? Hope ask why later I will tell you in depth.
Next on the chopping block....
The Christmas tree is up, the living room is decorated. Adam and I walk around humming ridiculous holiday tunes. Why do I love this season so much, yet dread it every year for the remaining seasons?
Last but certainly not least.....
Why is it that I pick stupid crap to dwell on.... That kinda goes with the second item up for bid. But I do have that tendancy. I cant let go of stuff. One day I hope to do so .