To the Munchkin

This post is for Hope.....

I sit here trying to write possibly the hardest post that I have ever had to write. I have so much to say to you and so much that I wish I could protect you from. I know that in life ultimatly we have to make our own choices. You are chosing what will become of you. I want you to know that I will be here no matter what.
When ever the road is too long, when ever the wind is too strong, where ever this journey may lead to I will be there for you. I'll always be there for you. Thats a few lines from a song I know you know. But its my dedication to you.
Know that even though the other night I got frustrated and came down way too hard on you, I love you and I just want you to be happy. Since you were a baby, we have had an incredible and strong connection. I never ever in my entire life want that to change. I love you so much more than I let on to anyone in the world. I will be talking to people and I brag on you and how proud I am of your accomplishments.
I know there are times you feel so alone and think no one loves you. Truth is I love you more than anyone in the world. You have been so much more than my baby sister. You are my best friend. You are me with a nastier angry streak. You dont hold back and I so wish in so many ways I could just let go and be free the way you are.
When I saw you the other night in your cap and gown I was in awe. You were the most beautiful I ever think I have seen you. Boy was I proud. You are turning into such a lovely little lady. I miss you so terribly. When you are here with me or I am with you I feel like there is nothing missing in my life. You are the "HOPE" in my life. I dont mean that as a pun on your name. But I look at you and the strength it has taken to get through the struggles in your 18 years and think how lucky I am to have you. You are an incredible girl. I dont know where I would be with out you.
Your driving force behind me has always been part of what pushed me. You have always shown courage and faith. I love you so much. I just dont want you to get hurt or go through the things I did. I dont want you to live with regret and doubt. I live with both every day. I love you and I will be here waiting when you are ready to talk. But I knew I would probably not get an answer if I tried to call so I wrote instead.
As for now I am driving everyone insane with the I miss my Hope, I wish my Hope was here. And the ever wonderful.... You know what Hope would say to that.... Yeah see your more than my sister, your my bad influence! I miss dancing and rapping with you! You gotta get up here to play! That way we can have some fun before you go off to join the big dance. I love you munchkin.

That Voice

I heard that ever familiar voice in my sleep tonight,
The one you used to wake me up that night.

The night my world fell apart,
When my head was spinning and my body was broken.

Thats where the dream started,
With me coming out of the haze.

Then I could see them again,
Doing to me as they pleased.

I wanted to scream and cry but my voice wouldnt work,
I wanted to kick and fight back but my limbs wouldnt cooperate.

Part of me was yelling,
"You were supposed to be my friends."

I know they could see the hurt in my eyes,
Even through the drugs and alcohol.

Why me is all I wanted to know,
I had never hurt anyone.

When had I become a target,
A target to be used as they did to me.

Then left for him to find me beaten and hurting,
Bruised beyond belief.

Ever so gently he cleaned my cuts,
Healed my pain and anguish.

Never letting me out of his constant vigilant watch,
For fear I would find this hateful fate again.

Thats why I hear the soothing voice,
Trying to remain calm so that I didnt lose it.

Never saying one word when I asked it to be kept secret,
But keeping his vow to return and make them pay.

That he did with avengence,
Forever taking my love with him for the care he showed me.

I heard that voice in my sleep tonight,
Knowing it was all but a dream I cried remembering his gentle touch.

When I needed the kindness most,
His voice was what echoed in my ears.

Now when my dreams turn to that night,
I hear that saving voice calling me back to reality and safety.

Snuffy the fluffy squirrel in my back yard!

Aww I think they looked so good. Sarah had the prettiest dress....

My brother Chris and his girl friend Sarah before their prom last weekend.... Dont they look perty!!!

Look its me yesterday! Getting ready to go to the movies! Yeah I look funny with my hair all a mess lol!

Thursday

Ok so I had a great day yesterday! Got my butt up and went with Paul the Evil. We went to see Star Wars Episode III at noon! Yes sports fans thats right the troll was out of the cave at 9:30 in the morning so that I was fully awake and ready to rock at 11:00 am. Thats just insanity. But the way I see it is Paul and I had a freaking blast and thats all that matters. Im sure he gave *R* a hard time about it too. Since I tell Paul every thing he knows how annoyed I am with the whole situation of being watched and how it makes me uncomfortable. I hate being watched. I mean looked at is one thing but feeling eyes being burned into the back of your head is another. Thats what *R* does. GRRRR....
Next up... Went to pick out Graduation cards for my favorite little babies this year. Hope, Chris, Carey, Sarah, Matt, and Allie. Gotta love my baby seniors. Getting all growed up in just one week. Gosh Im so proud of my babies. And they are all either siblings or should be!
After that... Headed home to take a shower and get dressed. Tried to make sure I didnt look like I tried too hard. Its no secret anymore that I really like Adam. He knows it. Its just something I am beyond hiding. I believe the feeling is mutual. Anyways he called just as I was finishing my ritual. I had just brushed my teeth and was ready to hit the road. Well he talked me through getting to his house. That was fun I took one wrong road and then figured out where the hell I was. But I got there rather quickly. Then it was down the road and to the Old Market District downtown Omaha. Oh its so pretty down there at night. He took me to the little walk area near the river. We were gonna go over the bridge into Iowa. But the damn bridge was closed. We had fun. From there we walked back into the district and went to Old Chicago to eat. That was fun. We really had a good time. Just giving each other hell. He pointed out most of the buildings and told me what they were. Of coarse hes a native. Lived here his entire life. So he knows the area. Well on the way home Hope called. She talked to him for a bit. That was funny. She told him all about her prom coming up tomarrow night. Then all about her dress. Shes so great. When we got back to his place, we literally laid around all night and watched a movie, some bits and peices of a few play off basketball games. Stuff like that. We were funny though. I really like being around him. I hate how I have been so cautious with him. Hes wonderful. I dont know how to describe it. Nor will I try. That will go on my personal journal for only my eyes and the ever so nosey Hopie to see. Hehe! Im a butt I know it. But anyways we lost track of time and I got home a little after 4:00 this morning. MM.... I had a great time. I wish I would have let myself be less paranoid with him before. This guy is just wonderful and I dont know how else to say it.....

Yeah I know Im a butt!

So I was at work tonight and doing my thang as usual. I say we get some kind of goofy some times but Paul and I make work fun. Well Paul didnt get to sit up with us tonight. Instead he was in the next row and to communicate we had to talk over some old guy that kept glaring at us. Well anyways. We are gonna call this one guy *R* for names sake. Well only because Paul gets name mention cause hes been adopted into my family of brothers. Well *R* freaks me out. Hes nice dont get me wrong, but I dont like being touched nor watched. I always know when someone is watching me.
Anyways *R* glared at *T* for telling me about the venus fly trap. Im sorry but I had to freaking ask what the hell his problem was. He had the nerve to tell me not to mess with people I dont know. Umm lets see *T* is my weekend buddy. He sits near me on my morning shifts and drags my ass out of trouble alot.
Anyways Im freakin beat like a horse that got worked in a round pin. So Im heading up stairs to the comfort of my little couch. Im gonna veg for a few hours. Im getting up to go see Star Wars in the morning with Paul and his nephew. So I have a big old day ahead of me! Gotta get out of here! Will tell more later! Peace!

Conversations with God

I asked "Oh God take this pain away."
He answered me with "But my child what would you learn?"

I replied "But Lord my heart cant take the hurt."
Gently he whispered "I wouldnt have allowed this pain if I didnt think you could handle it."

As the days passed and the months flew by,
I began to notice I was getting stronger.

There were days when I would scream "Oh God just let it be over!"
He would patiently answer "You have to be ready to allow this challenge to teach you before it can be at an end."

Eventually I could see a change,
But the scars were left in tact as a reminder.

God never left me,
I just couldnt see him.

When my heart grew warm,
It was then I knew he had been there all along.

"My daughter you see now it is all in my plan to have you learn from pain.
But its a lesson we all choose to take." God told me in a prayer.

Taking my pain would have ensured its return,
But allowing my hurt taught me so much more.

Wisdom I can not quite fathom,
Love I will never understand.

But God knew it was going to work out,
Just the way he had planned.

I wonder sometimes how I have affected the lives of others..

"Back then could you see what our future would be? I wonder do you think of me? I still love you do you think of me?" --Keith Whitley

That song I have put words from in so many passages. Usually when I get to thinking of two people. Two in general. Him and James. Yeah well the love changed. Levels of it anyways. I still love them. Im just not in love. He was special and came along at a crucial point in my life. He was a friend to lean on and a heart to hold. Life wasnt always pretty but it was comforting to have him. Anyone that reads my blog or has for a while knows James. He was and always will be special. Its not everyday that a girl loves so freely then it is gone in the blink of an eye. Due to hot tempers and lack of understanding. Mainly on my own part.
Yet tonight the song is playing in my house and I am thinking of some thing all together different. Life is so much happier for me than it has been in so long. I am sitting here thinking of people I love and miss. I am wondering sometimes if they ever sit and wonder where I am and what happend to me. I wonder if I left a mark on anyones heart to the point that they say to themselves "I still love you, do you think of me?"
Just a thought but it is what I thought tonight...

My story

My life is like a book in which I am still penning the words in,
Like a canvas just starting to show the shapes and colors.

Im no longer empty pages,
Finally more than just dull blurs of bland color.

I used to hate the bumps and curves in the road of my life,
They made things so difficult to deal with.

Now I look and see they were necessary steps to make me stronger,
They made up the colors on the canvas I now look at.

The ink on my pages not yet dry,
But my story is turning out better than I expected.

So look for my painting on your wall,
And my book in hard cover.

Soon I will be on display for all to see,
But not for long because you cant buy me.

Who you gonna run to now?

Who you gonna run to now,
When your world has turned dark and gray.

You've left and betrayed everyone who loved you,
Who you gonna run to now?

Does your life feel lonely and cold,
Knowing I will never come back home?

Who you gonna run to now,
Now that your life suddenly has collapsed around you.

Does it make you want to change the things you did,
All because you hurt me but in turn hurt yourself?

Now that your alone and confused,
Who you gonna run to now?

Life seems unfair now that Im gone for good,
Admit it you will never forgive yourself.

I used to sit and wait for you to return to me,
But who you gonna run to now?

Now that I no longer sit and wait,
Instead I am going out on dates.

Does it make you want to cry,
Knowing I wont allow you to look into my eyes?

Who you gonna run to now,
With the knowledge of my happiness.

Does it make your heart pound in your chest,
Feeling like it may explode.

Who you gonna run to now,
Now that your double life has been exposed.

Do you sit and wonder what Im doing tonight,
Kicking yourself for not treating me right?

Who you gonna run to now,
Now that my door is eternally closed and my back is turned?

Who you gonna run to now?

Proud to be me

Well lets see. Where to start. My life is going well. I am loving it right now. Theres not much I would change at this point. I talked to Chana yesterday! Oh it was so nice to hear from my sister in law, even though hes not mine and nor do I wish him to be anymore. I feel bad for him almost. Toby has lost his ever loving mind. Poor guy. I know why he does it. He wants something I refused. I said no children til after I was married. He wanted them like yesterday at that point. So since we severed ties a year ago almost he has been engaged not only one nasty ho bitch but now two. You would think that he would have learned. This one is the very one who put his heart in a meat grinder and turned him into the hurt filled man he is and has been since he was a young man. Not that hes old. But when I met him they had been apart for about 5 years so we are gonna say around 10 years later (now) he is engaged to this woman he couldnt stand to hear the name of. Personally I cant say that she was my favorite person in those four years. My resentment for this woman was very immense. Until recently anyways. When I let go of all the resentment and hate that was there fore dragging me down. Yes Angela hurt him. He used it as his way to get out of commitment for a long time. It wound up taking a large peice of my mortality. I mean hello, I tried to put my car in to a guard rail, large tree, and drove in excess of 100 mph down dirt roads in the rain to try to hit something. I wanted to die. All because this man no longer wanted me in his life.
Well... Anyways I talked to pretty miss Chana. It hurt to know that her brother, who had my heart and soul for so long, is living the life that he should know better than to be living. But what am I supposed to say? Other than I just dont have the care to hurt anymore. I mean I guess in some way he was my first big love. So a part of me will always love him. Though I dont love him at all. Yet I prayed last night that God send him an angel. The one that will turn his life around. This man of such strong family value is no longer that. When we broke up he practically disowned them all. That wasnt right. Yes I realize they were hard on him on my behalf. They still are, and I love those women. They mean alot to me. What I wouldnt have given last summer to be the girl that was flashing that engagement ring around. But God spared me finding out after years of marriage and children that this man was not faithful. For this I should thank him, though I wish he could have just let me hurt so much less.
On behalf of the pain that was inflicted on my heart, I have hurt at least one great man in my life. James for this I am very sorry. I know I had trust issues. But when I lost you I lost more than just a man I was deeply in love with. I lost a friend whom I trusted more than anything. I wont say I dont still love James. I just have it in me now to not be in love. To be just me. Not rely on the man I am attatched to for strength. This I relied on you too much for. It was unfair of me to ask you to carry all that weight. But you were fair and just. Always making sure I knew that you loved me. I hope one day we will be as close as we were before the love entered the picture. I will never quite give up that hope.
Out of fear of hurt and attatchment I run and hide alot. Some one else has taken the place of that significant person in my life. Even though its not even really a relationship in that manner. I have come to look forward to my late night wake up calls, and my bouts of insomnia. I cant wait to tell him when something happens. He talks me like no one else really ever has. I thouroughly enjoy him. I know I make myself hard to be around, but he manages to sail right on through my bullshit. That takes alot. He makes me feel good about myself and sees through all the hurt and gives me honesty. Hes blunt when need be. That I need alot trust me! He worries sometimes when I get quiet. Because he, like many before him, has figured out that when Im too quiet theres probably something big on my mind. He will ask what it is. No matter what I say he gives me honest truth. I manage to make it through that deep personal moment with just that shove.
Then theres the friends I have made lately. Paul, my evil new big brother. Who says lets sit and talk. Tell me all about the new events in your life. I fill him in on everything. He laughs and tells me im a mess. Then gives me his take. I do the same with him. Krys and Kara, My girls. Krys tells me what she thinks but from a perspective that is unlike anyone elses. She has been there and through just about everything taht is hurting me inside. I love her for this. Kara is my girl. Shes at work. We sit and talk and open up. I love having girls. I always had more guys.
My life is going in that proper direction. For the first time in a long time I can honestly say I am proud of who I am becoming. Where life may take me I dont know yet, but I know that Im making decisions for me now. Not for the man in my past, like I did all those years.

Thanks Jeff

Ok I never do this but I found it quite humorous. I got this from my friend Jeff. Yes Im sure it will be offensive to some. But if you listen to the whole of the song its funny! http://www.eatbabies.com/
Ok sorry that just made me laugh. Hope you guys laughed too...

Elvis Presley

Any one that knows me knows that since I was a child I have had this love affair with Elvis Presley. One of my dreams is to one day get to see Graceland. I love the whole story of his life. Sad and tragic is it that he was driven to death. He gave and gave to any one that he could, but it was never enough. Some one always wanted more of him than he could give. He was kind, generous and genuine. Not often enough is there a person of such magnitude and fame that gives of themself so freely. Elvis once walked up to a lady standing infront of a car showroom and asked if she was going to buy it. She replied with "only in my dreams." He turned to the sales man and said "rap up the green cadillac its hers." He was always doing things like this. At Christmas every year he picked out 50 charities to donate very very generously to. This he kept up until the day he died. Now 50 years after the dawn of his reign in the music world, we still listen to him, watch his movies and sing with his music.
Then theres me, never alive during his life, but his music marked me as a young child. I grew up with the ultimate Beatles fanatic. Yet managed to sustain my own musical passion. I remember in the 1st or 2nd grade mom and dad got me this little marroon walkman. The first cassett tape they got me was Elvis. Yes I remember that fondly. I lived with that tape playing constantly. Elvis music has been a constant in my life. I remember times when friends or family have died, and there on the radio was a song of his. He may be dead and I was never around to see him live, but his legacy has placed a brand on my heart.
If you were to ask me what of his songs I love the best I would be hard pressed to pick. But I would tell you "The Hawaiian Wedding Song." This making complete sense to the fact that Blue Hawaii is my favorite movie of his and that is the movie ender.
Elvis was a man with great conviction and had many faults. He was called the King but he was infact just a person like all of us. He was held above most and still is just for a great talent that he was given by God. He loved gospel music. Truth be told if he had been given the chance he most likely would have done that above anything that he sang. If I could go back in time to any period, I would like to go to the time when he was begining his decent. I would ask him what drove him to such greatness, and how he could deal with so much stress and pressure from the outside world.
Yes call me whimsical, or even nostalgic. But these were the days when music really got its roots. He opened doors and had one of the most diverse crowd of fans. What other single performer can say they created a whole musical movement? Some credit the Beatles, I say they just helped. But even John Lennon said "with out Elvis we could not have been."
I know I have probably bored all with this. But I show many sides sometimes. This is one of my passions. Elvis and his legacy fascinate me. So thank you for reading this if you did, and for allowing me to express this passion.

A New View

Whispered words of wisdom,
Just at the time they are needed most.

Innocent touches filled with love,
When the world around is crumbling.

Strong arms to fall into,
When all that is felt is weakness.

Beauty by choice,
At the moment all seems so ugly.

Breath that cant seem to be caught,
Because life has been surprisingly great.

Seeing the world threw a new pair of shades,
All because some one showed you a new view.

His Departure

As she sat alone long after his departure,
She could still feel the burn of his lips on her skin.
Every inch of her felt as if she were on fire,
Leaving her breathless and confused.

Though she knew she shouldnt let him in,
She couldnt resist his touch.
If only once she could break the cycle of destruction that his touch causes,
She could break the hold that he has on her.

He continues to return to her,
With his indulgent caresses and melting glances.
She is over come with want and needs,
But yet he never meets the needs.

She sits and cries,
Wondering if the burn will ever leave her skin.
Knowing that next time tears will extinguish the flames,
For she will tell him no.

This is the last time she allows him,
Sadly she knows that he has let her go.
Now she will let him go,
And prove that she needs no more of his touch.

Two days off!

Yehaw! Finally a day off. I dont have to work again til Saturday morning. I have been recruited to cook for Paul one night. So the dinner of choice is enchiladas. Now I gotta make sure they are good! Its been a while since I cooked something like that. So I will have to practice a bit first I think. Dont wanna take something up to work Im not happy with!
Yeah Paul and I have talked the last two nights about some things that no one else gets out of me. Hes like my big brother. He knows it. Its just how we treat each other. Latley though hes giving me advice and I will tell him things that are happening in my life. He has to have a daily check on me. I didnt think I was gonna see him tonight... But around 20 minutes before my break he showed up to take his break. So I got to see him. I cheated and aux 9ed my call master so I could talk to him. But hey we had to talk about some important stuff. Besides it was only two minutes. So it shouldnt have mattered.
Ok so looks like tomarrow I get to run around and go to the bank, take my phone for upgrades, and go get some stuff for Hopes prom. Then Friday I get to order Lisas air plane tickets. Yehaw Im gonna be broke for two weeks! And nothing is going to me! But it will so be worth it! I like helping my sisters though. It makes me feel good.
Ok well nothing really to talk about! Just Im free for two days! I love my job but I need the break! I havent been sleeping enough!

Perfect memories

I have this perfect memory. To others when I have talked it has been romantic. To me its perfect in the fact that I dont have distaste for him. I do for so many of my exboyfriends. But with the exception of one other they all did things that hurt me terribly...
I wonder if everyone has that perfect memory that never quite leaves them. The one that you keep pictures of because it makes you remember the hurt that defined you, but makes you smile because the love was real...
That is how it was. It was hurtful.. Actually born of hurt, pain and dishonesty on behalf of another whom I considered a friend. Kept secret and confidential. None knew of it. Now few do. He made me smile, laugh and let me cry and held me up while I did so. Something I dont allow to be done. I hide my face if at all possible.
I remember this one day when he was at the school. I was supposed to be in class but Mr. Kilgore knew that I needed him and he was there out of need of some one as well. So I spent two class periods alone with him in the auditorium. We sat towards the middle, cause the back is where everyone looked for you. And we didnt want to be messed with. He grabbed my hand and led me to that center section and we just sat there and talked. That was really the real beginning. Before that he had been my friend whom I was hurting with. Whom I leaned on for the support I needed at that point for the things everyone said about us. The things that were untrue. That was born of a simple night out with a friend. The night I still have framed in my bedroom for the whole world to see. That I have refused to remove through every boyfriend and all those who thought that he was just a nice looking guy I got lucky enough to take to that formal event.
No maybe he was in that picture. He was a date that I took because I needed some one and he offered to take me so that I would not have to go to a banquet where I was being honored with a high award, alone. Like I did all the banquets and other formals in the past. So I attended prom that year with my sister, and the next was the only year I took anyone else. This being another one that meant something to me. But not what he meant. I would have rather had him there over anyone. But that night was special. There were circumstances that kept us so secretive. Mainly the hurt, pain and words that had hurt us in the past year.
There were those who would whisper every time he came to the school. But there was this one particular moment. I graduated from high school.. I walked out the doors, as I was walking past an indention in the building where there was a door, some one grabbed my arm gently and pulled me in there. I just kinda looked surprised. He hugged me, kissed me and told me that no matter where life took us, he would always carry me with him. Yep Ive never told anyone about that. But its on my mind. And I find my self thinking of him and that day and a few others quite frequently.

Fat..

I think my employer was tryin to make me gain some serious weight tonight. Got on break and they made us sundaes. Then Cookies when I was on the next break, after that it was donuts... Ummmm I think I should have been 150 lbs before I left work! Im not complaining though. Marriott is great to us. Then they give us shirts... Ok yeah they really like us. We still have associate appreciation week next week.... So we are getting spoiled... Yep just a little!