As tear drops filled the foot notes of her page,
She wondered how she ever got this far.
It crept up like a theif in the darkness,
Infiltrating the depths of her soul and heart.
All the sudden the last four years seemed as a dream,
One with many illusions and falsehoods.
Now all she could do was try to see through the alcohol created haze,
To dig her way into a world up above the hole she dug for herself.
No longer did she know who she was,
Yesterdays happiness seemed a world away from this sorrow she now felt.
The depths of depression and lonliness called to her,
Singing its sweet song of sorrow.
If only she could find a way to end the pain,
To reach the end of this tunnel she now lived in.
Her eyes no longer held promise or meaning,
Life just had no pleasure for her.
What she would give to stop writing this letter,
The one that was soaked and smeared by tears.
She knew that one day some one might understand,
As for now she felt alone and cold.
So she sealed her tear stained letter in an envelope,
Then she left it in a book for some one else to find.
Hoping to help ease the pain she now felt constant,
Knowing that no one could save her now.
Wednesday, June 29, 2005
Tuesday, June 28, 2005
Been a few days
Sorry guys its been busy. Havent had alot of time to catch up. My time is split between work, home and Adam. Im loving it all though.
I cant really complain I have had nothing but good things in the last week. Adam and I went to Indian Cave State Park last week. That was just too cool. I will get the pics posted soon. We really enjoyed it. Hes becoming more and more obviously visible in my life. I have to say I like that. I get sweet messages from him on my yahoo when Im not at home. Or he will call just because. Its nice. My family all like him very well. Hes here Thursdays and Fridays then most Saturday and Sundays after I get home from work. I look forward to our weekends. Which is a new thing to me. Ive lived in my bricked off world for so long. Its hard to let some one in. Little by little though hes getting in there.
I wonder sometimes if though my feelings are being burried for a reason. You know Im just so scared to care again. Lets not fool around here, I care for him. I dont want anyone to mistake that. Infact I like him more than I let on. I dont want to get ahead of myself. Nor do I want anyone else to. But I know where I have been, what I have experienced and I dont want him to have a peice of the heart break I leave behind. I want him to have nothing but the good. He does so much to make sure I know that I can trust him. I do. I trust him more than most. Im so attracted to him in so many ways its crazy. Never in my life have I been this attracted to anyone. I dont know how to deal with that. I hold alot back on that too.
He gets frustrated with me. I know he does. But we agreed no secrets so it all comes out when we are frustrated or mad. Then it gets fixed. I like that alot. Im indecisive alot. It drives him insane. I just dont worry so much about the small things that he thinks about. I worry about things that generally I cant fix. As for whats for dinner or where to go on our Thursday outing, I just dont know. I could care less if we sat in a forest and did nothing. Just so as long as hes sitting there with me. Infact thats what we did Thursday. We hiked a good 4 miles. Like I said awesome pics. I will have to get those posted. We got so, well, wrapped up last night that I didnt get the pics loaded like we had planned. I promise I will though. Theres a great one of the two of us. Of course between mom, Adam, Bill and Hope there are several pics of us.
Its been requested now for me to go meet his sisters. I kinda met Sue and Blair the other day but well it was all of three seconds and I was kinda just sitting in the middle of the road and had to get moved. So it really didnt count. So thats gonna have to happen again. He lived with Carrie when we first started dating but I never met her. So yeah Im still nervous. I met his grandma the night of the CWS opening ceremonies. Shes a sweet woman. Then of course Ive met two of his cousins. That was on our first date though. So its been a while.
Yeah well hes where Ive been. Plus Im looking for an apartment. So yeah thats in the works too. Matts gonna be my roomie. So I will have my baby brother living with me. Adam will be there most nights when Im off or hes in town. But yeah its all looking up. I just couldnt ask for much more. I will get those pics soon posted for yall! Love you guys!
I cant really complain I have had nothing but good things in the last week. Adam and I went to Indian Cave State Park last week. That was just too cool. I will get the pics posted soon. We really enjoyed it. Hes becoming more and more obviously visible in my life. I have to say I like that. I get sweet messages from him on my yahoo when Im not at home. Or he will call just because. Its nice. My family all like him very well. Hes here Thursdays and Fridays then most Saturday and Sundays after I get home from work. I look forward to our weekends. Which is a new thing to me. Ive lived in my bricked off world for so long. Its hard to let some one in. Little by little though hes getting in there.
I wonder sometimes if though my feelings are being burried for a reason. You know Im just so scared to care again. Lets not fool around here, I care for him. I dont want anyone to mistake that. Infact I like him more than I let on. I dont want to get ahead of myself. Nor do I want anyone else to. But I know where I have been, what I have experienced and I dont want him to have a peice of the heart break I leave behind. I want him to have nothing but the good. He does so much to make sure I know that I can trust him. I do. I trust him more than most. Im so attracted to him in so many ways its crazy. Never in my life have I been this attracted to anyone. I dont know how to deal with that. I hold alot back on that too.
He gets frustrated with me. I know he does. But we agreed no secrets so it all comes out when we are frustrated or mad. Then it gets fixed. I like that alot. Im indecisive alot. It drives him insane. I just dont worry so much about the small things that he thinks about. I worry about things that generally I cant fix. As for whats for dinner or where to go on our Thursday outing, I just dont know. I could care less if we sat in a forest and did nothing. Just so as long as hes sitting there with me. Infact thats what we did Thursday. We hiked a good 4 miles. Like I said awesome pics. I will have to get those posted. We got so, well, wrapped up last night that I didnt get the pics loaded like we had planned. I promise I will though. Theres a great one of the two of us. Of course between mom, Adam, Bill and Hope there are several pics of us.
Its been requested now for me to go meet his sisters. I kinda met Sue and Blair the other day but well it was all of three seconds and I was kinda just sitting in the middle of the road and had to get moved. So it really didnt count. So thats gonna have to happen again. He lived with Carrie when we first started dating but I never met her. So yeah Im still nervous. I met his grandma the night of the CWS opening ceremonies. Shes a sweet woman. Then of course Ive met two of his cousins. That was on our first date though. So its been a while.
Yeah well hes where Ive been. Plus Im looking for an apartment. So yeah thats in the works too. Matts gonna be my roomie. So I will have my baby brother living with me. Adam will be there most nights when Im off or hes in town. But yeah its all looking up. I just couldnt ask for much more. I will get those pics soon posted for yall! Love you guys!
Saturday, June 18, 2005
College World Series
Sorry guys I know I have not been posting. Not for lack of things to say thats for sure. I just havent had a lot of time. The munchkin and my brother Matt will be here this afternoon. Matt and I are looking into apartments. I am just extremely busy. Im trying to balance work, Adam and my family. Right now Im just totally stretched. Plus for added fun and my own personal belief that I need this excitement, I am heading out to the ball field every spare moment. College World Series time in Omaha. Tonight the UT Longhorns (nasty cows that they are) are gonna get all this brought up on them by the Baylor Bears! GO BAYLOR! I am going to work this morning signing up for downtime the minute I walk in the door, then getting out of that building fast as possible. If I get out fast enough, Adam and I are heading out to the Baylor game. I wanna see those nasty cattle loving, burnt orange freaks head back to Austin holding their heads down and their tails tucked up under their legs again. Yes they are a great ball team, I will give them that. But heres the hitch in their giddy up. One I hate them. Born and bread Texas Aggie and I am proud of that! Two they get all this way, then choke. They do it every year. They all but have it won then choke. What the hell are they playin for!!!!! They just dont deserve those bragging rights! And I will be proud as all get out to watch Baylor lay the smack down! Oh for anyone that keeps up with it, Tennessee vs Arizona, next round. Nebraska vs Florida. That sounds like a kick ass series to me! Well I gotta go get ready for work. I wanna get out of there fast today!
Friday, June 10, 2005
Eased nerves on one part
Well my biggest secret is out of the bag with the person who it mattered the most to know. I had some trouble saying it. He told me that I didnt have to tell him what it was that kept me from talking about dad. But I disagreed. I told him that if he really wanted to understand the way I am he had to know. That I promised to not keep any secrets therefore I needed to reveal the thing I keep burried the deepest in my closet. He was amazing about it. He could see how bad it hurt me and all. He just reached over and grabbed my hand and I spit it out. It took me a while. But he was great. He asked a few questions, which I expected. But in all he was more understanding than many of the people who have found this out have been. He put my nerves to ease rather quickly. We ended up having a very relaxed night. After my father joined my website though I knew I had to tell Adam. Not that hes a site member, but he does see pictures on it. Thats where I post all my pics. So now I have decided that the ones in there are more than enough to know anything. I will be taking it off my profile, and basically not giving that link out. Sort of like my other blog. The one no one else reads except two people. Im secretive sometimes. That ones my one to vent the things I wouldnt ordinarily write for the people who do know me to read. Though I do know that they love me. I just have to say things sometimes in order not to explode. Well anyways Im in a bit of a mood, so Im gonna get off here.
Sunday, June 05, 2005
Sorted thoughts of the day
Honey Im home! Its taken a bit but Im back. I have had a busy life the last week or so. Ive seen Adam most nights, so thats kept me pretty occupied. Im sore and achy. Stupid to do a back flip with out stretching or even having done that in so many damn years. Will I try again? No! I hurt too dang much and that was on Thursday. No more horse play for Mandie.
Work was fun. I freakin forgot to clock out today so had to turn around and go back. Oh well Im not complaining. I got to hang out with my Evil pal. We talked about movies and such. Its what we do. And he picked on me for my recent activities. Paul is my Evil twin. Must tell him the full undisclosed information. Well anyways.
We are getting ready for some mad ball in the next week and a half. Yep the CWS is fixing to be in Omaha! I live for baseball. This is just the College World Series! I cant wait. If Hope is here for the 16th we are making a day of it out at Rosenblatt! Opening day concerts and such! Yehaw! Deirks Bently! Here we come! Moms gonna go with me even if Hope dont get her butt down here! But I really want her to be here! It will be fun.
Dad moved to Wyoming or something of the sort. He says its nice up there. I guess Im happy for him. He seems to call me more now than he did before. So maybe hes moved on with the idea of life he had decided I needed. But for the first time in almost a year he finally asked what happend with Toby. When I told him it was like he all the sudden wanted me back in his life. He was more interested in my life. You just dont know the pain I felt with my dad. I knew he loved Toby. But when I told dad how long the stuff he was doing had gone on, he couldnt believe what he was hearing. I guess he chose to ignore the fact that I had said it a million times until he could see the pain that it really inflicted upon me.
I was hurt, betrayed and emotionally scarred. I think my dad knows that now. It may be getting time to reveal more of my dad to Adam. I dont want him to think less of me though. My dads not the most socially acceptable person but I love him. Its just hard to share some thing like my dad with anyone. I just chose to keep my dad under protective wraps. Though I have a feeling every one I know just figured it out. Its hard to love some one that is not normal. But I love him anyways. I am a part of him. I dont know what I would be with out that half. So to accept me you must ultimately accept him.
Makes no sense to those of you who know nothing of my father. But I dont plan on telling more than that. I can think of three people who read this that arent related to me that know about dad. James, Kevin and Kristy. None else have ever been close enough to know my secrets. Hope understands the most. For shes the only sibling with this link. Shes my munchkin though. Having issues with dad, she knows exactly my feelings plus some.
Anyways I just really needed to let off the pressure. So since I am so sore I am going to go lay down for a bit. I am so dang tired its ridiculous.
Work was fun. I freakin forgot to clock out today so had to turn around and go back. Oh well Im not complaining. I got to hang out with my Evil pal. We talked about movies and such. Its what we do. And he picked on me for my recent activities. Paul is my Evil twin. Must tell him the full undisclosed information. Well anyways.
We are getting ready for some mad ball in the next week and a half. Yep the CWS is fixing to be in Omaha! I live for baseball. This is just the College World Series! I cant wait. If Hope is here for the 16th we are making a day of it out at Rosenblatt! Opening day concerts and such! Yehaw! Deirks Bently! Here we come! Moms gonna go with me even if Hope dont get her butt down here! But I really want her to be here! It will be fun.
Dad moved to Wyoming or something of the sort. He says its nice up there. I guess Im happy for him. He seems to call me more now than he did before. So maybe hes moved on with the idea of life he had decided I needed. But for the first time in almost a year he finally asked what happend with Toby. When I told him it was like he all the sudden wanted me back in his life. He was more interested in my life. You just dont know the pain I felt with my dad. I knew he loved Toby. But when I told dad how long the stuff he was doing had gone on, he couldnt believe what he was hearing. I guess he chose to ignore the fact that I had said it a million times until he could see the pain that it really inflicted upon me.
I was hurt, betrayed and emotionally scarred. I think my dad knows that now. It may be getting time to reveal more of my dad to Adam. I dont want him to think less of me though. My dads not the most socially acceptable person but I love him. Its just hard to share some thing like my dad with anyone. I just chose to keep my dad under protective wraps. Though I have a feeling every one I know just figured it out. Its hard to love some one that is not normal. But I love him anyways. I am a part of him. I dont know what I would be with out that half. So to accept me you must ultimately accept him.
Makes no sense to those of you who know nothing of my father. But I dont plan on telling more than that. I can think of three people who read this that arent related to me that know about dad. James, Kevin and Kristy. None else have ever been close enough to know my secrets. Hope understands the most. For shes the only sibling with this link. Shes my munchkin though. Having issues with dad, she knows exactly my feelings plus some.
Anyways I just really needed to let off the pressure. So since I am so sore I am going to go lay down for a bit. I am so dang tired its ridiculous.
Sunday, May 29, 2005
To the Munchkin
This post is for Hope.....
I sit here trying to write possibly the hardest post that I have ever had to write. I have so much to say to you and so much that I wish I could protect you from. I know that in life ultimatly we have to make our own choices. You are chosing what will become of you. I want you to know that I will be here no matter what.
When ever the road is too long, when ever the wind is too strong, where ever this journey may lead to I will be there for you. I'll always be there for you. Thats a few lines from a song I know you know. But its my dedication to you.
Know that even though the other night I got frustrated and came down way too hard on you, I love you and I just want you to be happy. Since you were a baby, we have had an incredible and strong connection. I never ever in my entire life want that to change. I love you so much more than I let on to anyone in the world. I will be talking to people and I brag on you and how proud I am of your accomplishments.
I know there are times you feel so alone and think no one loves you. Truth is I love you more than anyone in the world. You have been so much more than my baby sister. You are my best friend. You are me with a nastier angry streak. You dont hold back and I so wish in so many ways I could just let go and be free the way you are.
When I saw you the other night in your cap and gown I was in awe. You were the most beautiful I ever think I have seen you. Boy was I proud. You are turning into such a lovely little lady. I miss you so terribly. When you are here with me or I am with you I feel like there is nothing missing in my life. You are the "HOPE" in my life. I dont mean that as a pun on your name. But I look at you and the strength it has taken to get through the struggles in your 18 years and think how lucky I am to have you. You are an incredible girl. I dont know where I would be with out you.
Your driving force behind me has always been part of what pushed me. You have always shown courage and faith. I love you so much. I just dont want you to get hurt or go through the things I did. I dont want you to live with regret and doubt. I live with both every day. I love you and I will be here waiting when you are ready to talk. But I knew I would probably not get an answer if I tried to call so I wrote instead.
As for now I am driving everyone insane with the I miss my Hope, I wish my Hope was here. And the ever wonderful.... You know what Hope would say to that.... Yeah see your more than my sister, your my bad influence! I miss dancing and rapping with you! You gotta get up here to play! That way we can have some fun before you go off to join the big dance. I love you munchkin.
I sit here trying to write possibly the hardest post that I have ever had to write. I have so much to say to you and so much that I wish I could protect you from. I know that in life ultimatly we have to make our own choices. You are chosing what will become of you. I want you to know that I will be here no matter what.
When ever the road is too long, when ever the wind is too strong, where ever this journey may lead to I will be there for you. I'll always be there for you. Thats a few lines from a song I know you know. But its my dedication to you.
Know that even though the other night I got frustrated and came down way too hard on you, I love you and I just want you to be happy. Since you were a baby, we have had an incredible and strong connection. I never ever in my entire life want that to change. I love you so much more than I let on to anyone in the world. I will be talking to people and I brag on you and how proud I am of your accomplishments.
I know there are times you feel so alone and think no one loves you. Truth is I love you more than anyone in the world. You have been so much more than my baby sister. You are my best friend. You are me with a nastier angry streak. You dont hold back and I so wish in so many ways I could just let go and be free the way you are.
When I saw you the other night in your cap and gown I was in awe. You were the most beautiful I ever think I have seen you. Boy was I proud. You are turning into such a lovely little lady. I miss you so terribly. When you are here with me or I am with you I feel like there is nothing missing in my life. You are the "HOPE" in my life. I dont mean that as a pun on your name. But I look at you and the strength it has taken to get through the struggles in your 18 years and think how lucky I am to have you. You are an incredible girl. I dont know where I would be with out you.
Your driving force behind me has always been part of what pushed me. You have always shown courage and faith. I love you so much. I just dont want you to get hurt or go through the things I did. I dont want you to live with regret and doubt. I live with both every day. I love you and I will be here waiting when you are ready to talk. But I knew I would probably not get an answer if I tried to call so I wrote instead.
As for now I am driving everyone insane with the I miss my Hope, I wish my Hope was here. And the ever wonderful.... You know what Hope would say to that.... Yeah see your more than my sister, your my bad influence! I miss dancing and rapping with you! You gotta get up here to play! That way we can have some fun before you go off to join the big dance. I love you munchkin.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
That Voice
I heard that ever familiar voice in my sleep tonight,
The one you used to wake me up that night.
The night my world fell apart,
When my head was spinning and my body was broken.
Thats where the dream started,
With me coming out of the haze.
Then I could see them again,
Doing to me as they pleased.
I wanted to scream and cry but my voice wouldnt work,
I wanted to kick and fight back but my limbs wouldnt cooperate.
Part of me was yelling,
"You were supposed to be my friends."
I know they could see the hurt in my eyes,
Even through the drugs and alcohol.
Why me is all I wanted to know,
I had never hurt anyone.
When had I become a target,
A target to be used as they did to me.
Then left for him to find me beaten and hurting,
Bruised beyond belief.
Ever so gently he cleaned my cuts,
Healed my pain and anguish.
Never letting me out of his constant vigilant watch,
For fear I would find this hateful fate again.
Thats why I hear the soothing voice,
Trying to remain calm so that I didnt lose it.
Never saying one word when I asked it to be kept secret,
But keeping his vow to return and make them pay.
That he did with avengence,
Forever taking my love with him for the care he showed me.
I heard that voice in my sleep tonight,
Knowing it was all but a dream I cried remembering his gentle touch.
When I needed the kindness most,
His voice was what echoed in my ears.
Now when my dreams turn to that night,
I hear that saving voice calling me back to reality and safety.
The one you used to wake me up that night.
The night my world fell apart,
When my head was spinning and my body was broken.
Thats where the dream started,
With me coming out of the haze.
Then I could see them again,
Doing to me as they pleased.
I wanted to scream and cry but my voice wouldnt work,
I wanted to kick and fight back but my limbs wouldnt cooperate.
Part of me was yelling,
"You were supposed to be my friends."
I know they could see the hurt in my eyes,
Even through the drugs and alcohol.
Why me is all I wanted to know,
I had never hurt anyone.
When had I become a target,
A target to be used as they did to me.
Then left for him to find me beaten and hurting,
Bruised beyond belief.
Ever so gently he cleaned my cuts,
Healed my pain and anguish.
Never letting me out of his constant vigilant watch,
For fear I would find this hateful fate again.
Thats why I hear the soothing voice,
Trying to remain calm so that I didnt lose it.
Never saying one word when I asked it to be kept secret,
But keeping his vow to return and make them pay.
That he did with avengence,
Forever taking my love with him for the care he showed me.
I heard that voice in my sleep tonight,
Knowing it was all but a dream I cried remembering his gentle touch.
When I needed the kindness most,
His voice was what echoed in my ears.
Now when my dreams turn to that night,
I hear that saving voice calling me back to reality and safety.
Friday, May 20, 2005
Thursday
Ok so I had a great day yesterday! Got my butt up and went with Paul the Evil. We went to see Star Wars Episode III at noon! Yes sports fans thats right the troll was out of the cave at 9:30 in the morning so that I was fully awake and ready to rock at 11:00 am. Thats just insanity. But the way I see it is Paul and I had a freaking blast and thats all that matters. Im sure he gave *R* a hard time about it too. Since I tell Paul every thing he knows how annoyed I am with the whole situation of being watched and how it makes me uncomfortable. I hate being watched. I mean looked at is one thing but feeling eyes being burned into the back of your head is another. Thats what *R* does. GRRRR....
Next up... Went to pick out Graduation cards for my favorite little babies this year. Hope, Chris, Carey, Sarah, Matt, and Allie. Gotta love my baby seniors. Getting all growed up in just one week. Gosh Im so proud of my babies. And they are all either siblings or should be!
After that... Headed home to take a shower and get dressed. Tried to make sure I didnt look like I tried too hard. Its no secret anymore that I really like Adam. He knows it. Its just something I am beyond hiding. I believe the feeling is mutual. Anyways he called just as I was finishing my ritual. I had just brushed my teeth and was ready to hit the road. Well he talked me through getting to his house. That was fun I took one wrong road and then figured out where the hell I was. But I got there rather quickly. Then it was down the road and to the Old Market District downtown Omaha. Oh its so pretty down there at night. He took me to the little walk area near the river. We were gonna go over the bridge into Iowa. But the damn bridge was closed. We had fun. From there we walked back into the district and went to Old Chicago to eat. That was fun. We really had a good time. Just giving each other hell. He pointed out most of the buildings and told me what they were. Of coarse hes a native. Lived here his entire life. So he knows the area. Well on the way home Hope called. She talked to him for a bit. That was funny. She told him all about her prom coming up tomarrow night. Then all about her dress. Shes so great. When we got back to his place, we literally laid around all night and watched a movie, some bits and peices of a few play off basketball games. Stuff like that. We were funny though. I really like being around him. I hate how I have been so cautious with him. Hes wonderful. I dont know how to describe it. Nor will I try. That will go on my personal journal for only my eyes and the ever so nosey Hopie to see. Hehe! Im a butt I know it. But anyways we lost track of time and I got home a little after 4:00 this morning. MM.... I had a great time. I wish I would have let myself be less paranoid with him before. This guy is just wonderful and I dont know how else to say it.....
Next up... Went to pick out Graduation cards for my favorite little babies this year. Hope, Chris, Carey, Sarah, Matt, and Allie. Gotta love my baby seniors. Getting all growed up in just one week. Gosh Im so proud of my babies. And they are all either siblings or should be!
After that... Headed home to take a shower and get dressed. Tried to make sure I didnt look like I tried too hard. Its no secret anymore that I really like Adam. He knows it. Its just something I am beyond hiding. I believe the feeling is mutual. Anyways he called just as I was finishing my ritual. I had just brushed my teeth and was ready to hit the road. Well he talked me through getting to his house. That was fun I took one wrong road and then figured out where the hell I was. But I got there rather quickly. Then it was down the road and to the Old Market District downtown Omaha. Oh its so pretty down there at night. He took me to the little walk area near the river. We were gonna go over the bridge into Iowa. But the damn bridge was closed. We had fun. From there we walked back into the district and went to Old Chicago to eat. That was fun. We really had a good time. Just giving each other hell. He pointed out most of the buildings and told me what they were. Of coarse hes a native. Lived here his entire life. So he knows the area. Well on the way home Hope called. She talked to him for a bit. That was funny. She told him all about her prom coming up tomarrow night. Then all about her dress. Shes so great. When we got back to his place, we literally laid around all night and watched a movie, some bits and peices of a few play off basketball games. Stuff like that. We were funny though. I really like being around him. I hate how I have been so cautious with him. Hes wonderful. I dont know how to describe it. Nor will I try. That will go on my personal journal for only my eyes and the ever so nosey Hopie to see. Hehe! Im a butt I know it. But anyways we lost track of time and I got home a little after 4:00 this morning. MM.... I had a great time. I wish I would have let myself be less paranoid with him before. This guy is just wonderful and I dont know how else to say it.....
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Yeah I know Im a butt!
So I was at work tonight and doing my thang as usual. I say we get some kind of goofy some times but Paul and I make work fun. Well Paul didnt get to sit up with us tonight. Instead he was in the next row and to communicate we had to talk over some old guy that kept glaring at us. Well anyways. We are gonna call this one guy *R* for names sake. Well only because Paul gets name mention cause hes been adopted into my family of brothers. Well *R* freaks me out. Hes nice dont get me wrong, but I dont like being touched nor watched. I always know when someone is watching me.
Anyways *R* glared at *T* for telling me about the venus fly trap. Im sorry but I had to freaking ask what the hell his problem was. He had the nerve to tell me not to mess with people I dont know. Umm lets see *T* is my weekend buddy. He sits near me on my morning shifts and drags my ass out of trouble alot.
Anyways Im freakin beat like a horse that got worked in a round pin. So Im heading up stairs to the comfort of my little couch. Im gonna veg for a few hours. Im getting up to go see Star Wars in the morning with Paul and his nephew. So I have a big old day ahead of me! Gotta get out of here! Will tell more later! Peace!
Anyways *R* glared at *T* for telling me about the venus fly trap. Im sorry but I had to freaking ask what the hell his problem was. He had the nerve to tell me not to mess with people I dont know. Umm lets see *T* is my weekend buddy. He sits near me on my morning shifts and drags my ass out of trouble alot.
Anyways Im freakin beat like a horse that got worked in a round pin. So Im heading up stairs to the comfort of my little couch. Im gonna veg for a few hours. Im getting up to go see Star Wars in the morning with Paul and his nephew. So I have a big old day ahead of me! Gotta get out of here! Will tell more later! Peace!
Tuesday, May 17, 2005
Conversations with God
I asked "Oh God take this pain away."
He answered me with "But my child what would you learn?"
I replied "But Lord my heart cant take the hurt."
Gently he whispered "I wouldnt have allowed this pain if I didnt think you could handle it."
As the days passed and the months flew by,
I began to notice I was getting stronger.
There were days when I would scream "Oh God just let it be over!"
He would patiently answer "You have to be ready to allow this challenge to teach you before it can be at an end."
Eventually I could see a change,
But the scars were left in tact as a reminder.
God never left me,
I just couldnt see him.
When my heart grew warm,
It was then I knew he had been there all along.
"My daughter you see now it is all in my plan to have you learn from pain.
But its a lesson we all choose to take." God told me in a prayer.
Taking my pain would have ensured its return,
But allowing my hurt taught me so much more.
Wisdom I can not quite fathom,
Love I will never understand.
But God knew it was going to work out,
Just the way he had planned.
He answered me with "But my child what would you learn?"
I replied "But Lord my heart cant take the hurt."
Gently he whispered "I wouldnt have allowed this pain if I didnt think you could handle it."
As the days passed and the months flew by,
I began to notice I was getting stronger.
There were days when I would scream "Oh God just let it be over!"
He would patiently answer "You have to be ready to allow this challenge to teach you before it can be at an end."
Eventually I could see a change,
But the scars were left in tact as a reminder.
God never left me,
I just couldnt see him.
When my heart grew warm,
It was then I knew he had been there all along.
"My daughter you see now it is all in my plan to have you learn from pain.
But its a lesson we all choose to take." God told me in a prayer.
Taking my pain would have ensured its return,
But allowing my hurt taught me so much more.
Wisdom I can not quite fathom,
Love I will never understand.
But God knew it was going to work out,
Just the way he had planned.
I wonder sometimes how I have affected the lives of others..
"Back then could you see what our future would be? I wonder do you think of me? I still love you do you think of me?" --Keith Whitley
That song I have put words from in so many passages. Usually when I get to thinking of two people. Two in general. Him and James. Yeah well the love changed. Levels of it anyways. I still love them. Im just not in love. He was special and came along at a crucial point in my life. He was a friend to lean on and a heart to hold. Life wasnt always pretty but it was comforting to have him. Anyone that reads my blog or has for a while knows James. He was and always will be special. Its not everyday that a girl loves so freely then it is gone in the blink of an eye. Due to hot tempers and lack of understanding. Mainly on my own part.
Yet tonight the song is playing in my house and I am thinking of some thing all together different. Life is so much happier for me than it has been in so long. I am sitting here thinking of people I love and miss. I am wondering sometimes if they ever sit and wonder where I am and what happend to me. I wonder if I left a mark on anyones heart to the point that they say to themselves "I still love you, do you think of me?"
Just a thought but it is what I thought tonight...
That song I have put words from in so many passages. Usually when I get to thinking of two people. Two in general. Him and James. Yeah well the love changed. Levels of it anyways. I still love them. Im just not in love. He was special and came along at a crucial point in my life. He was a friend to lean on and a heart to hold. Life wasnt always pretty but it was comforting to have him. Anyone that reads my blog or has for a while knows James. He was and always will be special. Its not everyday that a girl loves so freely then it is gone in the blink of an eye. Due to hot tempers and lack of understanding. Mainly on my own part.
Yet tonight the song is playing in my house and I am thinking of some thing all together different. Life is so much happier for me than it has been in so long. I am sitting here thinking of people I love and miss. I am wondering sometimes if they ever sit and wonder where I am and what happend to me. I wonder if I left a mark on anyones heart to the point that they say to themselves "I still love you, do you think of me?"
Just a thought but it is what I thought tonight...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)