dealing with death

So its been a long while since I last sat down and wrote to anyone. Theres been so much going on lately that I have felt all turned around. Im feeling the stress of school really badly right now. I never realized all those years in high school how easy it all came to me. Now I feel like the dumb kid in class, but really thats only when he hands us a test and my brain goes completely blank.
I finally got to go home. However it wasnt under the most favored circumstances. My wonderful Uncle David died. He was a great inspiration and a very dear loved one in my life. He showed me one of the few stable men that I have ever really known. He stepped in when ever I needed some one far more than even I realized. He was always there when I needed some one to talk to and some how had this knack for just showing up at my home when I needed some one the most. I never knew how he did that but he always did. I think in my four years in high school that he may have gone to more of my school functions than my own dad did. Sad, right. Well thats just how he was. He always knew just how to make you laugh or how to make you feel better when you felt like total crap.
I remember this one time right before I moved away from Houston, I was at home alone for the weekend. He called to check on me and mom during the day one day. I talked to him for a bit then he said he would see me later. Well about two hours or so later he showed up. I think he knew I was getting a little depressed with my mom getting married and pending move. He sat with me for a few hours while we talked and he prayed with me. When Uncle David left I felt a sense of relief where I had felt a bit of emptiness. Not that it cured it, but he made sure that I knew that I was not alone. I really needed it.
Its memories like that, that make me wish that I had been closer the last few years. He was always stressing to me that family was so important. He always told me not to give up on my dad. I never have. I just reserve the right to be pissed. He would tell me that he wished there was more he could do. What I wish I could say to him now is that he couldnt have done more to make a lost girl feel more loved in a world where she was confused and lonely. There were so many other things that he and my Aunt Ramona did for us. They will never know how much I love them. Even if I call every day and tell her what he meant to me, what he still means to me.
No, I didnt call often. Hell almost never. But thats how I deal with the crap. When Im hurt, I ball up and do it else where. I have a very hard time grieving. Yep we put him to rest over a week ago and Im still having problems crying or putting those feelings in motion. I cant bring myself to cry. The most Ive done is a little bit of tear shed during a few songs. I feel like I cant do it. Like crying over him would be like the loss I felt with my Nana.
Over my Nana, I cried day and night. I would wake up in cold sweats then call my mom and cry for a few more hours. I was pathetic. I just dont know if I can go through that again. I had so much guilt over not being there or not calling that I just broke down. I still miss her so much that I dream about her. I dream that shes calling me to come to her, when I get there shes gone. Ive never been more torn over anything. Thats how death makes me feel. Torn. Now if only I could deal a little better, I would be able to move on.