My Search

I look around,
I see faces I know and people I dont.
What used to be happy and encouraging is now full to the brim,
Thus forcing me in a new direction.
Where is home if not here?
I am but an empty vessel waiting to be filled.
What is next for me has yet to be fore told.
My unending search for where I belong has yet to yeild a result.
Great destinies are not for me.
I am growing restless in my search.
The cards that I have been dealt are not sufficient.
I want so much more than what I see.
For the moment I will go with the ebb and flow of this life.
Ever in search of my true happiness and place of belonging.

When I am with you

When I am with you my heart is free,
I feel the need to be no one other than me.
When I am with you there is no need to hide,
The only thing I want is to be at your side.
When I am with you my fears melt away,
My child inside comes out to play.
Life is beautiful when I am with you.

Confusion

Beautiful detachment,
Lifetime imprisonment,
undesired impulses,
Endangered seclusion,
Meaningless involvement,
Angry conversation,
Loving touches,
Confusing adoration,
Unbridled infatuation,
Depths of depression,
Eternal loneliness,
Unquenchable desires,
Urgent desperation,
Random generosity,
Eager fascination,
Enter the life of confusion.

I did it again...

Why do I always do this. I manage to piss off the people that I love the most. Last night James called me at work. Well the night was almost over and damn I was really missing him. We talked and well I got frustrated for reasons I dont want to explain. I like my privacy and well with him I keep that sacred. Partly because we are more in depth people than most realize. Partly cause I can keep him to myself still with out anyone else saying "wheres James, whens James gonna come back, we miss James." Ok so I am a bit seclusive. I like having someone I love that few people that I love know. That way hes mine and they dont get his every waking minute. Yes thats what happened with me and Toby. They all wanted him and well I got burned. So no I dont want them all to be around him just yet. Kristy and Katherine have met him. Carey has. A few of the women I work with and Traci met him. Thats more than enough for me. Chris sat in the parking lot and scoped him out like the good butt head he is. Yes I would absolutely adore being with him more often. Things arent as easily done as they are said. But last night I got frustrated and ever so UNcalmly set the phone down to cool off and wait on a customer. Less than a minute later when I picked up the phone he was gone. Or no one answered me when I said his name. So I hung up. Problem is now he wont talk to me. Or he wont answer the phone or return the two calls I have made. Ok well the little joke that he and Hope devised to try to see if he could piss me off worked. Not only did it work it played on a certain insecurity of mine. So did I take to it well.. NO... But the truth to the matter is that I love this fool. James has been there for me no matter what the call... The love I have for him is so much stronger than anything I have ever felt before. No I am not the worlds greatest at expressing this. Yes I tell him that I love him. I just hope he knows that this is very real for me. No one person has ever captivated me the way this crazy man does. He fascinates me, makes me laugh, all it takes is a thought of him or finding a quarter to make me smile. I know what I want. I want him in my life. He's so much more than just my boyfriend. Hes my confidant, my friend, and dare I say it my soul mate. Or at least thats how it feels. He has never passed judgement on me. He tells it to me straight when I am not right. Hes not afraid to be himself. I love him so damn much that I litterally hurt knowing that he wont talk to me about this. I cried for the first time in a while last night. Thinking I had went and screwed up the most beautiful thing that has ever happend to me. My question now is what do I do? But whats even worse is now Hope is feeling horrible for all of this. She was so instumental in making the two of us look closer at each other. Even though he had already done it and I had but wasnt willing to admit that. James krept into my very soul about a year or two ago. No matter where I went or what I was upto he was always in the back of my head. I always wondered how he was or what he was doing. Now I cant help but wonder... Have I lost what I wanted so badly and the one person who loves me with out worry or doubt? Why do I always screw up the best things?? James I love you...

Ok I love this picture too. Its another of my favorites. Anyways, yeah Im really missin him.... 

Hmmm he will probably kill me when he sees that I have put this picture on my blog. This is my James Earl. Hes so perty. Anyways I am missing him slightly... Ok alot. So I decided to put him in here.... Love you honey.. 

Doug

Doug graduated from Police Academy tonight. I am so happy for him. The last week or so I have been mad at him. Ok I think I am finally past it. I just needed to do it in my own time. Yes he hurt me. But I guess the ones you love will protect you not meaning to hurt you when they do it. Thats exactly what he did. He tried to protect me and in the process he hurt me. Of coarse he kept something from me then a year or more later decides to tell me. Now this revalation could have saved me alot of pain. Or actually could have made me face reality causing the same amount of pain in a different time. I can only assume it was for my best....

Well I am bored tonight. Just sitting around with not too much to do. Im slightly missing James tonight. Ok more than slightly. This time of the year sucks. I dont mind it so much but the holidays havent sank in yet. I am enjoying the little bit of the music that I have heard. But other than that I have not started shopping and I havent gotten any thing accomplished. Hope may come down. But I dont know. Im missing my family in a big way.. I feel slightly as an outsider at times around this time of the year. I mean I have no relation here so it is hard. I love my family here. The Johnsons and Gaskins are my family. But I miss the Moores and dare I say it even the Petersons. I yearn for that family shit that I never really got into at Christmas. But I guess you never really miss it until it is gone. Kristy and I have offered to go get Hope. She doesnt get out of school until the 22nd. That makes it slightly more difficult but it can still be done. She gets out at 12:35. So I have to work on that Thursday. Ok I am slightly excited now! Hopefully in a few weeks I will get Hope! I really bad want to see her! AHHH I MISS MY JAMES!!!!!

I found this picture of Klye Field. Isnt all that beautiful Texas Aggie Marroon beautiful!!! Go Aggies! 

People from the Past

I swear I have been seeing people left and right from back in the day of middle school and high school. I saw Mrs. Gann on Thanksgiving. Then tonight I saw Chris Garrison. Talk about a blast from the past. I was so shocked. I swear I havent seen him in nearly ten years. It was nice to see him though. We caught up on alot. He was with Jordan and Rose last night. I miss those two. They made me happy way back when. Talk about real friends. Those to are the epitomy of real. Im so glad they are driving each other insane. They are cute together. I only tried to tell them that for years. Hope is gonna see if dad will let her come here for Christmas! I am hoping he will say yes! I really want her to be here. I just want some one of my own but I miss that shit head bad. I even have an extra stocking! So she will be a good addition. Im really bad missing her. I wish the two of us lived closer. I miss having her at my disposal. We have fun together. Shes my buddy and my sister. Besides Im working on something for her. Im hoping it turns out well. Plus if she comes down I will enjoy the next few weeks getting ready for Christmas stuff. Damn only three weeks. I need to get my ass in gear I havent even started. Well I got some stuff to do!

overview of my few days...

Well well well its been a few days hasnt it. Well lets see in the last few days there really hasnt been much going on. I cut off all my finger nails and well they are short. I am not used to short nails. I have grown my nails out long since well middle school. So I have had about 10 years worth of long nails. I just dont see the point in paying for something God gave to me naturally. Anyways. Gonna hang out with my sister and Gabby tomarrow. It is fun getting to see them so much. Lisa is visiting more frequently now. I like that. I miss having my family around. I really wish Hope could come here for Christmas. I would love that. I miss her the most. She knows it too. She has been sick the last few days. She sounded much better tonight. My James Earl is asleep, actually the benadryl has him knocked out. He was funny when he was falling asleep. He always is when he starts to fade. I miss him something bad. Doug came by tonight. I was glad to see him. Havent seen much of good old Doug here lately. I saw him Tuesday night but not for too long. We had us a little talk about my life and he made sure I was ok. I told him to stop being an ass and get around more often. I missed wailing on him. Yeah ok we live around the corner from each other but damn. Hes gotten a life here lately or something. I requested off for the night of his graduation from Police Academy. Im so proud. I might go with him to Austin that following Monday to play around while he takes his exam. That would be fun. Wear my Aggie appearal to Cowville... I hate those damn Longhorn cattle.... Any ways. I am smooth worn out. I am missing my James and Im going to bed got a long day tomarrow.

Storms

We had a storm this morning. Once the thunder and lightning slowed down I fell asleep. I hate storms. Blame it on Andrew, thats when storms became less than fascinating to me and more terrifing. I remember watchin the water spouts go down the river, and the trees fall around our house. The wind alone was incredible. But we stayed there threw it. Since that I have been in more hurricanes and tropical storms, none that equaled or even rivaled the strength that Andrew flexed. Then again I was in the fifth grade and none will ever affect my mentality again the way that one did. Call me a weenie I dont care. I just have no need for a storm. I hate being alone during them. I used to crawl into bed with my mom or who ever was nearest to me. Now thats kind of stupid and well not on my list of options. Its just the part where I am alone while the world sounds as if it may tear it self to shreads that bothers me. Maybe one day I will learn to appreciate the storm that is going on around me. For the moment and the last how ever many years ago it was when this affliction bore it self upon me, I will be scared. James, the lucky fool, go snow last night. Hmm thats something us East Texas people dont see much of. Maybe a few flurries a year but thats really all. Snow now days makes me think of my mom and my dad and sister. They all live where it snows. Hope loves it. Mom says its pretty. I just want to be near them. I could live with snow if thats what it meant. Im sure I wouldnt be too fond of snow after being with mom for a while. Then again hell I may love it. I liked it the times it snowed good up at dads while I was there. I dont know how to drive in it though and that could be a problem.

Holiday Blues

Ok so I got past the first hump in the holiday season. I cried a bit. I walked into Wandas and when some one asked why I was late I tried really hard not to cry my eyes out. I love those people. They are a great family to have love me so much. Hell the Gaskins and the Johnsons are the best substitute family any girl could ask for. But damn I miss my family. I miss my mom and my dad. I miss my mean ass sisters and brother. I miss watching those stupid parades on Thanksgiving morning while mom and dad were cooking. I miss the football games and my dad yelling at the tv. The traditional Cowboys Thanksgiving Day game. The one that always got my dad so fired up and still does. I miss the day after every one huddling around the TV watching the even more important game of UT vs. A&M for the years bragging rights. The decorating for Christmas that mom and us girls started either Thanksgiving afternoon or the next day. I miss this stuff. I miss my family so damn bad. I just dont know how I will get threw Christmas. Damn its gonna be hard. Last year the great asshole of my life was the reason I wasnt so lonely. Even though I worked. This year I dont know whats gonna keep my mind off the fact I that I have no one even remotely related to me. I wish my baby sister could come down. I have to work on Christmas as I do every other holiday on the calendar. But gosh it would be nice to be with some one that I am that close to. Kristy is gonna be busy with Katherine and Joey. So I really wont even have her. Im slightly out of place. I hate the uncomfortable feeling that comes with Christmas. Man I miss my mommy....

This week is gonna be busy. Starting tomarrow I have to work every day this week. There is no telling what time I will get home tomarrow. It should be a busy day. Last year i didnt get out of there until after nine. I go in at eleven in the morning and Im scheduled until seven but that doesnt mean I will get to go home that soon. I should go to sleep early in all honesty but I wont. I know if I do I wont be able to pull my one a.m. shift Friday night. James will probably try to get me to go to bed early tonight. I have to be up by about nine in the morning or Im not gonna be to work on time. I will do it though. I have only been late to work one time in the entire time I worked there. I dont make that a habit. Well Im off to bed.

Peace

James is so funny. He purposely frustrates me. I miss him. Thats kinda pathetic I know but I do. He makes me smile so much its great. My mom says she thinks I am finally at peace with myself. I was waging an emotional and very physical war against myself and every man that got close to me there for a while. I literally had myself so exhausted and broken. I was half a person if not less. I am now full and happy again. I dont cry anymore. I dont sit and wonder what I am doing wrong. I just live my life freely with out worry of if Im pissing anyone else off by having fun. I can feel free to go out and do things with my friends, most of which are men. I dont have to worry that I am gonna get the third degree when my cell phone rings or when I get home. I look forward to my future now days. I am finally there. I am not worried what is gonna happen in a week or a month. I just know that the person that I love is 383 miles away and I know hes not out screwing around. Hell he doesnt have time. We talk so many hours a day its amazing we still have things to say to each other. I miss him. I am ready to be with him again. I sound so pathetic. Im laughing at myself. Well Im just gonna head off to bed with this smile on my face. James I love you!

Hmm have I said I miss James??? I am so ready to be near him. This distance thing is gonna drive us insane... Hope calls us mushy... Lisa says we are the epitome of sap... I dont think we are sappy. I think we are slightly affectionate... But not sappy... He is on the phone with me right now watching a movie. Hes laughing in my ear. Like he does most nights. I like it though. Hes so cute. But if I tell him that he says "whateva" and just laughs at me. Hmmm... Im gonna go lay down... Oh today makes us one month together.... sigh...

Our weekend.

Well I have had a good last few days. The wait bout killed me last week. James got here Friday night about 9 when I was at work. He stayed with me the rest of the time I was there. When he walked in I ran and jumped on him. I thought I was gonna knock him over. But he held on as long as I did. It was funny I kept walkin over to him and hugging him and we just had a good time. After I got off work he followed me home. We sat up a few hours and talked. Then fell asleep together. It was sweet. At 5:45 in the morning Carey and Donna came tearing threw the house. I bolted out of the room and then came back and layed back down. Then the alarm went off at 7. We didnt get up though. We fell back asleep for a while. Kristy took a few pictures of us together. As soon as we figure them out Im gonna print them out and frame them. They turned out really good. We ran all over East Texas all day. We went to Henderson and he showed me where he grew up. It was neat. He was shocked at the changes. Then we went to lunch. That was interesting. Our waiter never was quite clear on which of us he was flirting with. It was funny. On the way threw Palestine the fool just hits his e-brake and stops in the middle of the road. He was salvating over some old car. It was so cute. I swear I will never have to worry about other women because his affair will be with a car. That is some funny stuff. When we got back home we took a nap and watched some college football high lights. Of coarse The Aggies won against Texas Tech. Go AGS! Then of coarse his team won too. Baylor took a beating to OSU making his day that much better. He got back home late. He didnt leave here till close to 7 when I was at work. I didnt want him to leave. This whole distance thing is gonna be difficult but we are gonna make it work. I love that fool. We go well together. Its soo cool because we have been the best of friends for a long long time. Now we are together. I have never in my life been so happy with myself. He just makes me laugh and smile and makes me happy! James I love you honey!

Containing the Excitment...

Ok I am so bouncing off the walls.... James Earl will be here on Friday if all goes as planned. I am freakin out! I am sooooo excited! Every day we do a count down sort of. He called this morning and I was like "four days" he just laughed. I am in such a good mood. He laughs at me alot. I love that boy. Hes just too much at times. But I think I am gonna buy him anyways.. Or thats what I tell him. Hope says we are too mushy. That makes me laugh. Sure we are slightly affectionate. But I dont think we are mushy. Anyways I have alot of cleaning to do. Bathroom is next in line... Later taters....

My nights have been rather nice the last few weeks. James and I sit up and talk most of the time. We are trying to figure out when the two of us can get together. Hope says we are mushy. Ok if telling each other I love you alot is mushy then yeah we are. But we know what we feel for each other and we arent afraid to admit that. Besides hes been in the back of my head for a long time. I just relyed on a connection to some one else. I just cant believe how long he has loved me with out saying anything. If he had I think I would have given up on Toby a long time ago. But James is so sweet. He is really wonderful. He thinks Im not gonna like him once we are actually together. I have news for you James Earl. I love you! I am gonna love you no matter what. So you are wrong. I love you! Any ways. Im very happy these days. I am sleeping better and living life with a sensation that has never been there before. I dont know how else to explain it.

Human Chicken Suit...

James Earl cracks me up... He says we are gonna live in New York City and have 30 chickens. Then when he walks the dogs in the morning hes gonna wear a giant chicken suit and when people talk to him hes gonna speak chicken. Well tonight at work this guy had a shirt on that had a chick on it and had a word bubble that said "baaaukk" that just cracked my shit up. I laughed so damn hard. I had to tell him why I was laughing. That guy laughed too. James just loves to make that damn noise at me. Oh and have I mentioned that he calls me Keisha?? That just cracks me up. I guess though it is better than the alternative. That fool. I swear he makes me laugh so hard my rib cage gets sore. Oh then Kristy told him about the rooster suit she found. Now he says he wants the rooster suit instead. That way he can say "what you never seen a six foot cock before?" That shit is too much I swear. See why I cant get mad at him. He is too funny. I dont know that there is much of a serious bone in his body. But being as overly serious as I can get, I love that in him. Oh well I promised him I would go to bed early. So I am gonna do that. Night all!