Lifes questions.

Seems at some point we all ask the hard questions. Here are some that I have asked lately. I may have gotten answers but I am still learning to sit down in the quiet of the morning and listen to God as he speaks to me. When he knows I am the only one that can stand in the way of giving him my full attention...

Why did everything fall apart just as I was taking ahold of my life and getting a grasp on reality again?

Why do I fight the urge to call one of my best friends out of the plain fear of hearing his voice?

Why do I cringe at the thought of another relationship, yet my heart tells me to move ahead?

Why is it that I seem to grow colder every day on the subjects of love and happiness, yet I am happier now than I ever remember being?

Why am I having trouble sleeping at night?

Why is it that I cant look at babies up to the age of three with out wishing I had my own?

Why am I scared that he will come to find me?

Why do I still check every corner, every door to make sure its locked at night, and the back seat of my car when I am alone?

Why is it that I dread sleeping alone?

Why cant I grasp the idea of having anyone as a part of my life other than just as a friend?

Why do I hide my true feelings from every one?

Why am I scared of losing every one I love the most?

Why do I worry so much about Kristy and Kevin?

Why is it I can find relation and tangible feelings in every sad song I hear?

Why did it take me so long to see that it is getting better all the time?

Note that I am doing so much better now than I was 6 months ago. But I still have my occassional fight with God. And I still sit down and cry when no ones looking. I have learned the value of sitting down with an open heart and talking to God rather than yelling. He will never get threw if I am closed off this way. The warmth of the sun is what seems melt the ice that has formed in my chest. I am learning love and the value of being loved all over again. Even though the only love I allow is from my friends and family.
From my friend Adam who listens to and takes my shit every single day here lately. Has yet to refrain from calling me on any little bit of bull shit. He keeps me in line and makes sure I am facing it all. He makes sure that I know that I am worth being around and spending time with. He makes me smile, which is a hell of a feat for any man to do these days. That is other than my brothers, Bill and Kevin.
To Hope, Lisa and our Mommy. You three put up with way too much crap from me and I love all of you for it. Thanks for the love.
To Kevin and Kristy. You guys have been there for me too many times to be counted. I love you two so much its almost unbearable at times. You two mean more to me than any two fools in the entire world. I wish that every one could have a set of friends and tards just like yall.
From my band of "Support Sisters," Krys, Nat and Becca. I am thankful for the love and prayers that each of you send my way. I would be so much farther behind where I am today with out each of you! Thanks for the support in this journey I am wandering through. Its been long and arduious but with the love and support of each of you I have found a way to make it through each and every day. Thank you!

Oh man I slept so good last night. For the first time in, well I could tell you the last time I slept well but only I dont want anyone to know why I slept well. Cause its just personal. It concerns a friend of mine. Nothing happend but I dont like putting names of some people in. I dont want anyone thinking the wrong things. Besides that person knows who he is and I can promise all of you are thinking wrong. Besides the two of us have to fight off not sleeping in the same bed thats just how it is. There used to be a barrier that I wouldnt break. Now Im glad to have him some where else. I dont have to worry about the possibility of something happening. I am almost pathetic these days. I got so used to having some one else sleep in the bed with me that now that I am single I dont sleep much. I dont sleep well alone. I like having some one else there. Its just nice. Of coarse it has to be some one I trust. I might only sleep 4 hours a night now. Its sad really. Another friend, probably the best one I have made here, offered to help me out in that area. Just sleep. Thats all I need. I just laughed and told him he was sweet. I enjoy having guys as friends. Seems most of my guy friends are more forgiving than my girl friends. But I love Kristy the most and Kevin the most and those two know it. Those two would walk on fire if thats what it took to get to me. I thank God daily for them. God I miss them both in a bad way. I need both of them alot here lately. I fight off the urge to call most nights. I have something to keep my nights occupied now. I started training at work. So thats cool. It is also at night. I like it so far. But I will write more on that on Saturday when I am off. But for now I am trying to get more sleep. Its not always working. But I slept forever today and I needed it. I wish I could do that more often. But I felt like I had wasted my day when it was over. So I doubt it. Anyways Im out. I promised a certain friend I would try to go to sleep. Lets see if it really happens now...