Wow it rained hard tonight. I was super busy at work for the longest time. I tell you what the night really started going by fast. Then I talked to my mommy for a bit. I love telling her all about the latest good stuff in my life. You know it had been so bad before and its just all coming together right now. I am smiling and for the first time I can say I dont care what Toby is up to. I dont care what his life is like. I dont care about him. I will always and forever hold that one spot in my memory for him. But I just dont care anymore. After months of crying and dying I am alive and living and crazy about someone else. That just krept up on me. Im not sure how that happened. James and I talk about some interesting things. Things that Toby and I couldnt and he wouldnt talk about. James is not afraid to have a future and I like that. He is great motivation. I dont know how I have known him and not looked at him before. How can you cry like hell on some one of the opposite sex and never once think that they just might be that one special person? Its weird in a way cause its not weird. I would figure that this would be slightly odd considering the closeness and that there are not many things we dont know about each other. Truth is its so natural its really cool. He knows my friends are mainly guys but he doesnt freak out when I make plans with one of them. He knows Im heading to Tyler to Kris's house Saturday and hes not pissed that Im gonna be with a bunch of guys. Hell he knows that if he was worried I would just stick Kris on the phone and let the two of them talk. Truth is Im totally safe there and I am pretty sure he knows it. I like the fact that I can and have trusted him. When trust is no longer easy to come by with me. I love him to peices. But I think I may have for a long time and just not realized it. Damn I sound so girly. Im pretty sure he will read this and laugh at me. Since he reads this thing on occassion. Hmm... Well Im off to take a shower.... Night all...