Lost in the darkness

Well I know today was a hard day for a special friend of mine. James Im here dear if you need anything. I almost called and decided not to. I on the other hand did something that I probably shouldnt have. I called and let Toby know what my days off this week are. Well I mean he asked me to keep him up to date on that so he would know the best time when he does come home. Or should I say if he comes home. Kristy and I talked and she offered to box his stuff for me. I told her I wasnt ready for anything that drastic. If hes gonna leave me permanently I want him to come here and take his stuff. Then I plan on sending our photo album to my mother cause I may want that one day. All the other pictures I will give him his choice of. I know Toby is the great love I was meant to find. I feel it in my bones. I just wish I knew what was going on in his head. If he would just call and say "hey I still dont know what I want" that would be at least something. Or if he would call and tell me that hes still around that would be good. I dont care what it is as long as he would call and say something. Im so lost its pathetic. Im not really ready to be with other people. Im not excited about that prospect even though I know I have a soft place to fall if I need it. I do know that I am ready to run away. Im ready to just take off one morning and stay gone where no one can find me for a few days. Ive had a few offers from people that no one would even think to ask if I did disappear. Im thinking of takin them up on it here in a few weeks. I need a serious break from my every day life. I wanna go somewhere where I can cry and let it out. Im in serious need of a spiritual rebuilding. I dont know who I am anymore. I have identified myself as a we for 4 years now and now I dont know how to individually identify myself. What happend to me? I used to know who the hell I was. Now I have no clue and dont know where I am going. I dont know what is up and what is down. Its sad cause a few weeks ago I could have told you where my life was going. I know Im doubting myself unjustly, but I dont know what else to do. Its my nature I guess. I used to take charge and go after every thing I wanted. Usually I made it happen too. Now the one thing I want the most is what I am the most scared to go after. I am truly afraid that I lost something I hold so dear to me.