Letter of Tears

As tear drops filled the foot notes of her page,
She wondered how she ever got this far.
It crept up like a theif in the darkness,
Infiltrating the depths of her soul and heart.

All the sudden the last four years seemed as a dream,
One with many illusions and falsehoods.
Now all she could do was try to see through the alcohol created haze,
To dig her way into a world up above the hole she dug for herself.

No longer did she know who she was,
Yesterdays happiness seemed a world away from this sorrow she now felt.
The depths of depression and lonliness called to her,
Singing its sweet song of sorrow.

If only she could find a way to end the pain,
To reach the end of this tunnel she now lived in.
Her eyes no longer held promise or meaning,
Life just had no pleasure for her.

What she would give to stop writing this letter,
The one that was soaked and smeared by tears.
She knew that one day some one might understand,
As for now she felt alone and cold.

So she sealed her tear stained letter in an envelope,
Then she left it in a book for some one else to find.
Hoping to help ease the pain she now felt constant,
Knowing that no one could save her now.

Its blurry but its good. Me, Hope, and our sister Lisa!

Chris and Adam, hmm think they are taking the game pretty serious....

Hope and Bill after her graduation!

Hope and her boyfriend Matt. They are so cute together! This is at their senior prom!

Thats Adam. We were all playing Trivial Pursuit in this pic! He likes this one so I figure its ok to share..... Hell I like this one too.

Been a few days

Sorry guys its been busy. Havent had alot of time to catch up. My time is split between work, home and Adam. Im loving it all though.
I cant really complain I have had nothing but good things in the last week. Adam and I went to Indian Cave State Park last week. That was just too cool. I will get the pics posted soon. We really enjoyed it. Hes becoming more and more obviously visible in my life. I have to say I like that. I get sweet messages from him on my yahoo when Im not at home. Or he will call just because. Its nice. My family all like him very well. Hes here Thursdays and Fridays then most Saturday and Sundays after I get home from work. I look forward to our weekends. Which is a new thing to me. Ive lived in my bricked off world for so long. Its hard to let some one in. Little by little though hes getting in there.
I wonder sometimes if though my feelings are being burried for a reason. You know Im just so scared to care again. Lets not fool around here, I care for him. I dont want anyone to mistake that. Infact I like him more than I let on. I dont want to get ahead of myself. Nor do I want anyone else to. But I know where I have been, what I have experienced and I dont want him to have a peice of the heart break I leave behind. I want him to have nothing but the good. He does so much to make sure I know that I can trust him. I do. I trust him more than most. Im so attracted to him in so many ways its crazy. Never in my life have I been this attracted to anyone. I dont know how to deal with that. I hold alot back on that too.
He gets frustrated with me. I know he does. But we agreed no secrets so it all comes out when we are frustrated or mad. Then it gets fixed. I like that alot. Im indecisive alot. It drives him insane. I just dont worry so much about the small things that he thinks about. I worry about things that generally I cant fix. As for whats for dinner or where to go on our Thursday outing, I just dont know. I could care less if we sat in a forest and did nothing. Just so as long as hes sitting there with me. Infact thats what we did Thursday. We hiked a good 4 miles. Like I said awesome pics. I will have to get those posted. We got so, well, wrapped up last night that I didnt get the pics loaded like we had planned. I promise I will though. Theres a great one of the two of us. Of course between mom, Adam, Bill and Hope there are several pics of us.
Its been requested now for me to go meet his sisters. I kinda met Sue and Blair the other day but well it was all of three seconds and I was kinda just sitting in the middle of the road and had to get moved. So it really didnt count. So thats gonna have to happen again. He lived with Carrie when we first started dating but I never met her. So yeah Im still nervous. I met his grandma the night of the CWS opening ceremonies. Shes a sweet woman. Then of course Ive met two of his cousins. That was on our first date though. So its been a while.
Yeah well hes where Ive been. Plus Im looking for an apartment. So yeah thats in the works too. Matts gonna be my roomie. So I will have my baby brother living with me. Adam will be there most nights when Im off or hes in town. But yeah its all looking up. I just couldnt ask for much more. I will get those pics soon posted for yall! Love you guys!

College World Series

Sorry guys I know I have not been posting. Not for lack of things to say thats for sure. I just havent had a lot of time. The munchkin and my brother Matt will be here this afternoon. Matt and I are looking into apartments. I am just extremely busy. Im trying to balance work, Adam and my family. Right now Im just totally stretched. Plus for added fun and my own personal belief that I need this excitement, I am heading out to the ball field every spare moment. College World Series time in Omaha. Tonight the UT Longhorns (nasty cows that they are) are gonna get all this brought up on them by the Baylor Bears! GO BAYLOR! I am going to work this morning signing up for downtime the minute I walk in the door, then getting out of that building fast as possible. If I get out fast enough, Adam and I are heading out to the Baylor game. I wanna see those nasty cattle loving, burnt orange freaks head back to Austin holding their heads down and their tails tucked up under their legs again. Yes they are a great ball team, I will give them that. But heres the hitch in their giddy up. One I hate them. Born and bread Texas Aggie and I am proud of that! Two they get all this way, then choke. They do it every year. They all but have it won then choke. What the hell are they playin for!!!!! They just dont deserve those bragging rights! And I will be proud as all get out to watch Baylor lay the smack down! Oh for anyone that keeps up with it, Tennessee vs Arizona, next round. Nebraska vs Florida. That sounds like a kick ass series to me! Well I gotta go get ready for work. I wanna get out of there fast today!

Eased nerves on one part

Well my biggest secret is out of the bag with the person who it mattered the most to know. I had some trouble saying it. He told me that I didnt have to tell him what it was that kept me from talking about dad. But I disagreed. I told him that if he really wanted to understand the way I am he had to know. That I promised to not keep any secrets therefore I needed to reveal the thing I keep burried the deepest in my closet. He was amazing about it. He could see how bad it hurt me and all. He just reached over and grabbed my hand and I spit it out. It took me a while. But he was great. He asked a few questions, which I expected. But in all he was more understanding than many of the people who have found this out have been. He put my nerves to ease rather quickly. We ended up having a very relaxed night. After my father joined my website though I knew I had to tell Adam. Not that hes a site member, but he does see pictures on it. Thats where I post all my pics. So now I have decided that the ones in there are more than enough to know anything. I will be taking it off my profile, and basically not giving that link out. Sort of like my other blog. The one no one else reads except two people. Im secretive sometimes. That ones my one to vent the things I wouldnt ordinarily write for the people who do know me to read. Though I do know that they love me. I just have to say things sometimes in order not to explode. Well anyways Im in a bit of a mood, so Im gonna get off here.

Sorted thoughts of the day

Honey Im home! Its taken a bit but Im back. I have had a busy life the last week or so. Ive seen Adam most nights, so thats kept me pretty occupied. Im sore and achy. Stupid to do a back flip with out stretching or even having done that in so many damn years. Will I try again? No! I hurt too dang much and that was on Thursday. No more horse play for Mandie.
Work was fun. I freakin forgot to clock out today so had to turn around and go back. Oh well Im not complaining. I got to hang out with my Evil pal. We talked about movies and such. Its what we do. And he picked on me for my recent activities. Paul is my Evil twin. Must tell him the full undisclosed information. Well anyways.
We are getting ready for some mad ball in the next week and a half. Yep the CWS is fixing to be in Omaha! I live for baseball. This is just the College World Series! I cant wait. If Hope is here for the 16th we are making a day of it out at Rosenblatt! Opening day concerts and such! Yehaw! Deirks Bently! Here we come! Moms gonna go with me even if Hope dont get her butt down here! But I really want her to be here! It will be fun.
Dad moved to Wyoming or something of the sort. He says its nice up there. I guess Im happy for him. He seems to call me more now than he did before. So maybe hes moved on with the idea of life he had decided I needed. But for the first time in almost a year he finally asked what happend with Toby. When I told him it was like he all the sudden wanted me back in his life. He was more interested in my life. You just dont know the pain I felt with my dad. I knew he loved Toby. But when I told dad how long the stuff he was doing had gone on, he couldnt believe what he was hearing. I guess he chose to ignore the fact that I had said it a million times until he could see the pain that it really inflicted upon me.
I was hurt, betrayed and emotionally scarred. I think my dad knows that now. It may be getting time to reveal more of my dad to Adam. I dont want him to think less of me though. My dads not the most socially acceptable person but I love him. Its just hard to share some thing like my dad with anyone. I just chose to keep my dad under protective wraps. Though I have a feeling every one I know just figured it out. Its hard to love some one that is not normal. But I love him anyways. I am a part of him. I dont know what I would be with out that half. So to accept me you must ultimately accept him.
Makes no sense to those of you who know nothing of my father. But I dont plan on telling more than that. I can think of three people who read this that arent related to me that know about dad. James, Kevin and Kristy. None else have ever been close enough to know my secrets. Hope understands the most. For shes the only sibling with this link. Shes my munchkin though. Having issues with dad, she knows exactly my feelings plus some.
Anyways I just really needed to let off the pressure. So since I am so sore I am going to go lay down for a bit. I am so dang tired its ridiculous.