Last weeks potato chips...

Im bored and my back hurts. I am freakin falling apart. No not really I should be used to this pain, Ive had it for at least 10 years. But does the occassional pain ever get old and begin to stop? Nothing big just an old nerve injury to my back that flares up with some nice assistance from mother nature. But I shall go on with this. So I have alot on my plate lately. Nothing I cant handle though. I am working on calming myself down. I have had nice little fights with myself about how its ok to let another guy in my life. I mean I got my boys. Kevin, Khris, Doug, James (on some level but Im working on that too), but I have to learn that it is alright to have an attraction to some one. Its weird cause I freak myself out just because I like this guy. Hes wonderful and I am just so mentally fucked. Excuse the language please, I dont know how else to say and the full point still come across. He makes me laugh, smile and think. Ok well all this has happend before... Where did it get me. See where I get lost. My brain auto pilots back to the "hey stupid dont go getting yourself all worked up again. Last time your heart didnt quite make it out..." Yeah this shit actually goes through my head. Screwed up isnt it? Im scared to allow my head and heart to open back up to anyone. I make friends so easily, its the minute that the attraction enters that I start to spaz. I over analyze every thing. Hope shut up! I know you got a mouthful. You say something every time you hear his name. Love you... She knew I was gonna say that. Yet here I am chosing to not say anything that might tell anyone much about him on here. Im not sure why I have chosen to keep him relatively neutral on here. I just dont say much about him. Maybe cause I dont want to get ahead of myself. Maybe because I like him and that does scare me. The last two guys I liked, well one walked away with my heart still in his hands and the other turned out to be less of the man he had portrayed himself to be. One was seriously a big part of my life the other I barely knew. Maybe my experience with him is why I hold back now. For fear of finding out that I fell for another seemingly great guy that wasnt. Even though I know that is not the truth here. Besides I havent fallen, the idea of any relationship scares the potato chips from last week out of me... Yes I really just said that. Im sure it makes no sense but when do I?