This is my dog. His name is Pepper Lewis. He likes to ride in the car. He is my little baby... 

I know hes so innocent when hes sleeping. I miss seeing him sleeping next to me. He hates when I show people this picture. God I miss him... 

My night....

I am finding myself making sure I look nice here lately. I want to know that if Toby comes home unexpectedly that I will look nice. I want him to like what he sees. Ive never really cared. But its like we will be starting over with a 4 year history and I want him to feel attracted to me. Even though thats never been a problem. Usually I wear little to no makeup. The last week or so I have been wearing make up and looking nice just cause I am hoping for him to be here when I get home. I know thats stupid but still. Even the guys I work with are noticing that I have been looking nicer here lately. Tonight I was asked on three dates and had one proposition made to me. Ok well Im not one to go on stuff like that but it was interesting. Although the one that propositioned me knows me better than most. He was dead serious and usually he is just playing. Ok so maybe I do have some of the looks that I thought I lacked. Of coarse I told that person no cause well lets face it Im not that kind of girl. Im in love with a man that at the moment is hiding somewhere and wont talk to me. One day I hope I can get my life straightened out. Oh yeah another trooper asked me to do ride alongs. So I think I just might do that. Hopefully in the spring semester I will be able to get into the academy. Im a mess I know. Surprised no one has commented on me being so screwed up...

Well I am starting to think that I may have really messed things up. I dont ever hear from Toby anymore. Im worried about him. His family said they havent heard from him since Wednesday. Im really concerned about him. He is really special to me. I love him so much it hurts. I cry myself to a fitful sleep more often than not. Its as if a part of my heart and soul is missing without him here to hold. Since the beginning of my adult life he has been the person that has stood by me. I define my life and he is a huge section of it. Its as if two hearts were welded together. I am sad and try so hard to be strong. Im not sure how much longer I can do it though....

If I ever got a tattoo I think it would be this minus the black background. It is sexy and mysical. I would put it in the small of my back...... 

4 years.

Today was hard.  I talked to him yesterday and it was uneasy but we talked.  I asked if I could call him today.  He said yes.  I called.  He didnt answer.  Im hurting.  Hes hurting.  Today makes 4 years for us.  Usually we find some way to make the day special.  This year we didnt even talk to each other.  Ive had him in my head all day long.  How in the hell am I supposed to do this.  I wish he would come home.  Then at least we could work threw some of this together.  Im willing to give him time.  But I need some too.  But the time I need is the opposite of what he needs.  I need some time with him to reassure myself that we are still in love.  I have no doubt that I am in love with him.  I do have my doubts about him.  If he did love me wouldnt he need to be with me?  My nights are restless.  My days are a blur.  Im a mixed up ball of confusion.  I wish this would all be over soon.  I wish I would know what was going on.  I wish he would come home.

Me

Im a ball of hurt and a string of unsure faith.  Where did I misplace my heart.  Is my life ever gonna be the same?  When did I become this person.  One day I hope to be strong and sure of the coming days.  Im paralyzed with fear most mornings.  I force my self to sleep and pry my eyes open most mornings.  Life is not easy at the time.  I did this all to my self.  My soul lies somewhere in another person.  It clings to him like a sticker bur to the leg of your jeans.  Like the passenger that he knows not of.  My prayers go up and I see nothing.  My heart bleeds and my body aches.  My head pounds and my legs are restless.  I can tell myself to sleep but I never feel rested when sleep does come.  Its like an intruder invaded my body and wont let me out.  Im a walking shadow of who I used to be.  Where am I?

Questions

Confusion takes over my brain.  Life is in a blur.  I am in a trance.  I walk through each day in a daze.  Will I ever be the same?  Can love really conquer all?  Is a soulmate a real thing?  Can it be an animal?  Why does love feel so good and hurt so much when its over?  What if its not over? Can it be put on hold?  Does life really always end up the way it should?  Why does life seem so unfair?  Why does love take more than it gives?  If you sit around and wait all you really do is get old.  I have so many questions so few answers and no sense to make of them.  What will my life amount to in the end?  Will I be forgotten or remembered and hated?  These are a few of those things I wonder when I try to sleep at night but rest will not come. 

What have I become??

As I look back on a day when I knew who I was, I wonder what happened to the girl I once knew?  How did so much change in such little time?  Was I really all that different?  Am I just a shadow of who I used to be?  Why is it that I have no clue as to what my future holds and it scares me?  How come I cant just accept the unknown?  Why does uncertainty kill me?  Why does it feel as if my heart is straining for air as a fish aches to be thrown back into the water?  I feel as if I am smothering in a tuperware container sealed air tight.  Why cant I just go on with life as it was before?  Even though before was now 4 years ago.  Why does destiny always mean I am gonna screw something else up?  Will I ever feel whole again?  The agonizing wait is hard on my heart.  Will the pain end soon or will it continue?  Will he see the light of day and realize I am right where he needs to be, or will he decide to pack his shit up and leave?  I look at me now and think what have I become?

Things that make you go hmmmm.......

Well its been three days now since we talked.  God I miss him.  What to do with all my free time.. I should be doing all the normal stuff but it some how just feels wrong.  Its like all the sudden im missing a leg or something.  Here I thought I was independent.  God is really playing with my life right now,  I wish he would pick another victim and give me a break.  It just hit me that our anniversary is thursday on the 29th and well hell if he aint gone and isnt talkin to me.  If we are on a break, do I call him and tell him I love him on that once special day.  I mean cause it still is to me.  What do I do????

When Jokes go Wrong

Ever joke about something and then no one takes it as a joke?? I learned that damn the people I thought of as friends thought I was a ho for a stupid joke.  Damn I just needed a laugh and I was jokin bout me and my best friend and he was in on it.  I got called all kinds of nasty names and it hurt.  I wonder now just who was really my friend. 

Tell me it aint true

If Micheal Jackson can have babies with women, then will the kids noses fall off from all the surgeries hes had???  I mean hello he used to be black and what is he now bleach???  So what do his kids put as their race on their birth certificates?  Just a thought to ponder.  It really scares me that this man, if hes a man indeed, can reproduce.

Life Sucks ass

Will some one please tell me what the fuck a break is when the person wanting one is never ever around.  I mean hello if your never together how the hell can you take a break.  I mean hell if thats what he wants then yep hes gonna get it. That dont mean I gotta understand whats going on.  Oh and James Earl my weird bloggie.  Oh yeah heres a great site http://thesurrealist.co.uk/slogan  you wouldnt believe the stuff that it came up with my name.  Did I mention that I ran over a puppy the other day and broke its pelvis and leg.  Hes doing good though.  Woooohooo life is wrong.  Oh and my bosses son keeps hitting on me.  I met two porn stars the other night.  That was an experience for me.