As I look back on a day when I knew who I was, I wonder what happened to the girl I once knew? How did so much change in such little time? Was I really all that different? Am I just a shadow of who I used to be? Why is it that I have no clue as to what my future holds and it scares me? How come I cant just accept the unknown? Why does uncertainty kill me? Why does it feel as if my heart is straining for air as a fish aches to be thrown back into the water? I feel as if I am smothering in a tuperware container sealed air tight. Why cant I just go on with life as it was before? Even though before was now 4 years ago. Why does destiny always mean I am gonna screw something else up? Will I ever feel whole again? The agonizing wait is hard on my heart. Will the pain end soon or will it continue? Will he see the light of day and realize I am right where he needs to be, or will he decide to pack his shit up and leave? I look at me now and think what have I become?
6 comments:
Nobody knows what the future holds for us so its ok for you to wonder what the future holds for you. I don't think you will find a person out there who can tell you exactly what there future holds, even if they are living the life they have always dreamed of. Life gives us unexpected twists and turns but all we can do is hold on and go with the flow. Kinda sucks but when doesn't life just plain suck? You see yourself as someone who has had to put your wants, hopes, and dreams on the back burner. But right now you are just off on another journey that has to occur before you can get where you are supposed to be in life. Everyone has to experience this otherwise how in the hell are we supposed to learn from things? I love you big sister and you may not be too proud of yourself right now but I am. Just know that even though I am only 17, I can listen to your problems and might even help you out with them. I love you!
Im at one of those crucial times in my life where I am questioning self worth and importance. Why is it that the person that I have come to love and trust the most is not sure of any thing any more? He says "Mandie I love you more than anyone in the world but I dont know what I want. I have to go be alone for a while and figure it out." Ok well hes not alone hes spending a week with the twins. Sure they are his neice and nephew but they were mine too. Im so confused its like I dont know where I am any more. How can he possibly be thinking if he is spending his time with other people. Im so lost.....
Well maybe when Toby says that he needs time by himself he means that he needs time away from the relationship. I know it hurts to know that the one person you love doesn't want to talk to you. I don't think that Toby wants to hurt you because he is hurting too. Everyone needs to take a step back every now and then and see what is before them before they can go any further. I understand that you are hurting because I am going through the same thing. All you can do is let him have his space. It may hurt, but at the same time it gives you two time to really see how much you love each other. The time apart isn't temporary, its just a road block that you guys have to experience. Love is a strong thing and it will bring you two back to each other. All you can do is go with the flow until he comes around. I don't know how long that will be, but I can tell you that this will make your love grow stronger. That may not make sense right now, but it will later. I promise!
Hope when you see Toby and I together what do you see???
I see love. Plain and simple. Love.
He makes me a happy person. I can be me with him....
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