Torn

Who would have ever thought I may have to pick between two people I loved? I mean I guess I dont have to. I mean he isnt asking me to pick anything. He just wants to be with me. I swear I couldnt be happier in any way than to be there with him. But some one else I love really wants me with her instead. She wants me to not go there, dont go to DC, dont take this chance. Why? Cause I may get hurt. See heres the deal. I could chose to love some one who is here, dont ask who, cause in 6 years I have yet to find some one that makes me feel half of what I feel with him. Would I not take the same risk with my heart if he was here, I mean the risk would be the same with him here or there. My heart would be perfectly out of sync with him here. I might be in deeper if he was here, if I got to see that face every single day, go to sleep with him every single night.

Family should be who you can turn to when your heart is aching, when you need something but cant have it. Yet I can turn to my three room mates more readily than if I turned to my own sister. It hurts. I love her, I would die a thousand deaths for her, but my happiness is in peril due to her being unable to see how happy I am, even with him being miles away. Im not used to feeling like I cant turn to her. Right now that is exactly how I feel. I feel as if I cant talk to her about my happiness, my joy, my hurt over wanting to be with him, my need for him. I hate this. I hate that he feels like hes the cause of all of this. I only told him about it all today because he asked if I was ok.

I dont understand why this is such a big deal to anyone when my whole attitude has changed in the last few months. I have gone from grumpy, bummed and depressing to completely happy in a matter of months. Megan and Nicole both commented on the change they have seen in me, just today. They support me and him. They want to see us work this out, see us be happy, together. Yet my sisters seem to be more worried that I will have another broken heart. Isnt life about the chances you take? I mean would you want to look back and say, "gee I had a wonderful opportunity and I let it slip right through my hands, all for the sake of being scared?" Hell no! I have regrets in life, I will not add him to that list.

I just want to be supported by the people I love. I know my mom and my brother will support every decision I make, even if I make the wrong ones. So why am I so torn over the fact that my sister, hell both of them, would rather see me alone. If thats not how they feel, they sure could have fooled me. My heart is seriously hurting over all of this.