Umm Lisa what are you wearing with my sweater?? Is that my snoopy sleep pants I see??? Yes I think it is! 

Miss Carey Renea on November 12, 2004 being my support system. Makin sure I dont drive every one crazy cause my James would be there that night! 

Me again. This was November 13, 2004. I was getting ready to go to work and James picked up the camera. I am writing him a note! Or I was in the picture. I sure hope you cant tell my hair was still wet! And whats up with the hem of my shirt... Oh my this is the same shirt Lisa is wearing on Christmas. Lol. Oh well its one of my favorites! 

Heres Kristy on Tuesday December 28, 2004. I believe shes calling her mommy! I love that look on her face. Whats that I see is Kristy rolling her eyes???? 

From left to right. Me, Hope and Kristy. This is my sister and my very best friend. This was taken on December 22, 2004 while we were just getting ready to leave Borger so that we could have Hope for Christmas. 

This is Hope again and oh my its me. Im the one in the Cowboy hat. I hate pink but hmm that shirt is really cute and my hat is the coolest. This was on Christmas day also. 

This is my beautiful two sisters. Starting on the left is Hope and Lisa. This was on Christmas morning of 2004.  

Little blonde girl

I saw a little girl today that brought me to my knees. She was just so beautiful. She was about that age. The age of what mine would be. She was nice tanned, blonde hair, brown eyes, and curly curly hair. That combination was what got me. She was just so like the little girl that was in my dreams. The one that wasnt. Hell I dont even know if it was a boy or a girl. But I think you can tell where my heart was set. To top it all off her mother called her Emily. Oh my heart just hurts. Emily was our name. This time of the year is so hard for me. January 7th is the hardest day of the year for me. My world was so shattered and rocked that day in 2002. Im thinking of asking for that day off but not giving a reason when I ask. I just dont want to be readily accessible to people and their children. The few of my friends that know about this think I should be over it by now. Truth is I dont know if I ever will be. Then again I never shared my pain or even that it happened with anyone other than a very select few. I wonder and I have been thinking about this all night, would I have been a good mother? What would my life be like? Where would I be? What would I be doing? What would my child look like? Im so full of questions. I can only imagine the custody battle I would be in right now. I guess it all happened for a reason. My question is why do I still hurt and why did a little girl effect me that way just by being in the same store as I was? She was so animated and in a playful mood. God my heart is hurting. One day I want to stop hurting. I wish that day was today. Why do I have to hurt so much!!! Its been three years almost! Does the pain ever end? Will I ever forget?

Guilt and Pain

A heart freshly broken,
Awound yet to be healed.
Sadness beyond comprehension,
Hurt never ending,
Gaps unable to be filled.
Life that has ended,
Another that has grown still.
Guilt enclosed in one soul,
Fogiveness never to be obtained.
Tears cried by a debt unpaid.
Your life has ended but I have stayed.

*** For Pepper Lewis

Ok so I am not in the best of moods. I am putting my life into a slight perspective. I have Kristy and Lisa that I cant have in the same house obviously. So I am guessing that I have to chose to be happy with them. I am thinking the only way to have them both means I cant be anywhere near either of them. I have Kristy mad because Lisa spent the weekend. No I dont find this fair. Shes my sister, am I supposed to turn her out??? No and I wont. She originally was gonna stay with Gabby. But she stayed here. No big deal. But I have been all but ignored unless a reason comes up to be spoken to since. I dont know why this shit cant just be layed to rest. IT WAS ALL MY FUCKIN FAULT!!!!!!! I am the one that said the stupid remark that neither can forgive. I am the one that caused all this shit. So be mad at me not each other! I get mad at her family but I dont make every one else uncomfortable! I am bout sick of the shit between Lisa and Kristy. Get mad at me guys and stop this shit. I am the one that is to blame. I had a bad enough week losing Pepper. Now I have to deal with Kristy being mad at me because Lisa stayed here. From now on I just wont have company since I guess I dont have that right? I didnt know that I couldnt. But since it causes a problem to have a family member around I wont have anyone else. And if I do I will go waste the fuckin money on a hotel. That way I dont have to deal with a best friend who wont talk to me and a sister who is uncomfortable making me feel like shit. My stress level over the last few days is sky rocketing! I dont know how much more I can take. This bull shit has to stop some where and I am dead serious about that. If it doesnt I am leaving. To where I will go, I dont know. But I cant deal with it anymore. Its gone on far long enough.

Pepper Lewis

On December 23, 2004 my dear Pepper Lewis left me. He was three years old as of the 16th. He was my little boy. He was a dog but so much more than a dog. I recieved him when he was 2 weeks old. He did not know he was a dog. I loved him very dearly. In a time when I needed something to take care of to keep my mind off of my inablitities, he kept me company and gave me purpose. Less than a month after I recieved Pepper Lewis I suffered a miscarriage. I chose to keep discretion in this. Most of the people and my family do not know of this. Hope, Lisa and Mom all know. Where my family is concerned that is all. Tobys family never did know. Two of his sisters know. But it was revealed to them only years later. Pepper was special to many people but he was a life saver for me. I do not know nor do I care how the people reading this see my pain. Most will say he was a dog move on get a new one. No I will not. It will be years if ever before I own another dog. Or any animal for that. For attachment that can cause physical pain is not in my agenda. I have one and only one attachment of personal choice for the moment. That is all I want and need. James you have been wonderful thank you for letting me cry on you the other night. Doug laid Pepper in the ground on Christmas day out on the property that belongs to the Johnson family. This way anytime I want I can always have access to go visit him. Yes I do plan on doing it. He loved Doug. He and Doug were good buddies. I gave Doug his black spiked collar. I am currently wearing his that I put on him last week around my wrist. It is brown leather with spikes and a name tag and his phone number on it. I feel the need to have him close to me and this was his and attached to him. So I feel him. The one he wore most frequently, the harley davidson one, is currently in my car around the rear view. Mom is going to have that one. Pepper was a very animated animal. He loved to play. He would run all over the place. He was so hyper. Like mother like son I guess. If some one said "Pepper wheres mommy?" he would litterally go looking for me. The vet told me the dog had no idea I wasnt his mom. Hell I doubt he knew he was a dog. Pepper Lewis you take a big peice of my heart baby boy. I will forever miss you singing to me. Our tug of war games with the dish towels, the game we played with the covers that made you growl. I will miss sharing my snacks with you. I know you loved hot cheetos. One of your favorite snacks. God you loved riding in the car. That was always so much fun to do with you. Then on Monday when you finally learned the word sit. That was so cute. You were so beautiful. I love you baby boy. You will always be with mommy. Thank you for teaching me how to love with out limits. You will never be replaced in my heart.

Pride

It calls out to me,
Telling me to hold my ground.
Never letting me give in,
Compromise is not an option.
Do not let them tell you what is right,
Only you can decide what is wrong.
It keeps me at a distance,
Always with my wall secured and unbreachable.
Pride keeps me hidden,
Unreachable to the masses.

Voice in my head

It is hard to concentrate,
The voice of indifference is screaming in my head.
Telling me to let go,
But let go of what?
Fear and pain,
I suppose that would allow me the most release.
Life is so hard,
It screams louder,
Embrace the present,
Let go of the past.
It does you no good.
Leave the baggage at the terminal gate.
The voice screams in my head.

Reflection of a Woman

One day I looked in the mirror,
Only to see a woman I didn't recognize.
Her eyes were haunted,
Her expression pained.
The woman seemed distracted,
From what I don't know.
Inside the rough facade she held many secrets.
I wanted to tell her it would be okay.
That for all things there is a season.
For the woman in that reflection,
It was her season for pain.
Recently I gazed in that same mirror,
The woman was yet again there.
Only now I recognized a new essence in her,
Happiness had replaced her pain.
Her distraction was no longer there,
For now there was a purpose.
Her season for pain had drawn to an end.

This young woman

Yes pent up in this young woman writing in this blog are lots of emotions that are yet to be revealed. For this young woman has seen many things and hurt more than she likes to admit. These weaknesses to her are like flaws hidden beneath an exterior that leads one to believe shes seen nothing but good days. In reality she has been the victim of love, hate, divorce, death and distance. She is like a puzzle ever being peiced together. Giving clues as to who she really is with every written word. She keeps much inside but reveals the pertinent. Her life is contradicting and unsteady. Some of which is all her own making, but dont we all make our own lives that way to an extent. She has faith in God but argues with him daily. Head strong and stubborn but yeilding when wrong. She knows no length too far when she loves. She would gladly lay down her life for those in her heart and soul. Slightly untrusting of the unknown but faithful that it shall be productive. She has been battered and bruised but picked up and dusted off. She knows pain and happiness. Just ask her, she will tell you that life isnt always fair. Dont think her nieve. For that she is not. See her for what she is, confused and ever learning the way of life. Above all dont think her stupid, for she is not. She is intelligent but cares not to show it to those who dont need to know that her brain is constantly solving a problem. For this young woman tries to be all things to the people she loves.

Lillian Moore

Fluid grace,
Understanding completely,
Vigilant difiance,
Unyeilding faith,
Accepting imperfection,
Beautiful courage,
Spirited laughter,
Unmatched strength,
Resonating pride,
Encouraging love,
Free willed,
Enduring passion,
Not one shred of resentment,
Rarely angered,
Loving mother,
Proud Grandmother,
Forever in my heart,
Always on my mind.

**** This is how I will always remember her. Nana I may not have said it enough but here a year and a half later I still love you and will miss you for the rest of my life. I may not have been there enough. But know that I will forever regret not being with you more there in the last years. I love you. I pray one day to feel the forgiveness I so deeply crave on your behalf. Know you are loved and adored by each of your grandchildren and missed more than we ever thought possible. Thank you for loving me unconditionally. You were truely a woman of distinction in my life. I hope I make you proud.

Entrapment of a heart

What do you see when you look at me?
Do you see the results of a battered past?
The scars of a past broken heart?
Or the entrapment of a heart?
The entrapment that causes me to bleed.
Though not visible, it pounds rapidly.
Scared to love, trust, and break.
Accepting none but bearing all.
Entrapment of this heart,
Caused this girl to fall.

My Search

I look around,
I see faces I know and people I dont.
What used to be happy and encouraging is now full to the brim,
Thus forcing me in a new direction.
Where is home if not here?
I am but an empty vessel waiting to be filled.
What is next for me has yet to be fore told.
My unending search for where I belong has yet to yeild a result.
Great destinies are not for me.
I am growing restless in my search.
The cards that I have been dealt are not sufficient.
I want so much more than what I see.
For the moment I will go with the ebb and flow of this life.
Ever in search of my true happiness and place of belonging.

When I am with you

When I am with you my heart is free,
I feel the need to be no one other than me.
When I am with you there is no need to hide,
The only thing I want is to be at your side.
When I am with you my fears melt away,
My child inside comes out to play.
Life is beautiful when I am with you.

Confusion

Beautiful detachment,
Lifetime imprisonment,
undesired impulses,
Endangered seclusion,
Meaningless involvement,
Angry conversation,
Loving touches,
Confusing adoration,
Unbridled infatuation,
Depths of depression,
Eternal loneliness,
Unquenchable desires,
Urgent desperation,
Random generosity,
Eager fascination,
Enter the life of confusion.

I did it again...

Why do I always do this. I manage to piss off the people that I love the most. Last night James called me at work. Well the night was almost over and damn I was really missing him. We talked and well I got frustrated for reasons I dont want to explain. I like my privacy and well with him I keep that sacred. Partly because we are more in depth people than most realize. Partly cause I can keep him to myself still with out anyone else saying "wheres James, whens James gonna come back, we miss James." Ok so I am a bit seclusive. I like having someone I love that few people that I love know. That way hes mine and they dont get his every waking minute. Yes thats what happened with me and Toby. They all wanted him and well I got burned. So no I dont want them all to be around him just yet. Kristy and Katherine have met him. Carey has. A few of the women I work with and Traci met him. Thats more than enough for me. Chris sat in the parking lot and scoped him out like the good butt head he is. Yes I would absolutely adore being with him more often. Things arent as easily done as they are said. But last night I got frustrated and ever so UNcalmly set the phone down to cool off and wait on a customer. Less than a minute later when I picked up the phone he was gone. Or no one answered me when I said his name. So I hung up. Problem is now he wont talk to me. Or he wont answer the phone or return the two calls I have made. Ok well the little joke that he and Hope devised to try to see if he could piss me off worked. Not only did it work it played on a certain insecurity of mine. So did I take to it well.. NO... But the truth to the matter is that I love this fool. James has been there for me no matter what the call... The love I have for him is so much stronger than anything I have ever felt before. No I am not the worlds greatest at expressing this. Yes I tell him that I love him. I just hope he knows that this is very real for me. No one person has ever captivated me the way this crazy man does. He fascinates me, makes me laugh, all it takes is a thought of him or finding a quarter to make me smile. I know what I want. I want him in my life. He's so much more than just my boyfriend. Hes my confidant, my friend, and dare I say it my soul mate. Or at least thats how it feels. He has never passed judgement on me. He tells it to me straight when I am not right. Hes not afraid to be himself. I love him so damn much that I litterally hurt knowing that he wont talk to me about this. I cried for the first time in a while last night. Thinking I had went and screwed up the most beautiful thing that has ever happend to me. My question now is what do I do? But whats even worse is now Hope is feeling horrible for all of this. She was so instumental in making the two of us look closer at each other. Even though he had already done it and I had but wasnt willing to admit that. James krept into my very soul about a year or two ago. No matter where I went or what I was upto he was always in the back of my head. I always wondered how he was or what he was doing. Now I cant help but wonder... Have I lost what I wanted so badly and the one person who loves me with out worry or doubt? Why do I always screw up the best things?? James I love you...

Ok I love this picture too. Its another of my favorites. Anyways, yeah Im really missin him.... 

Hmmm he will probably kill me when he sees that I have put this picture on my blog. This is my James Earl. Hes so perty. Anyways I am missing him slightly... Ok alot. So I decided to put him in here.... Love you honey.. 

Doug

Doug graduated from Police Academy tonight. I am so happy for him. The last week or so I have been mad at him. Ok I think I am finally past it. I just needed to do it in my own time. Yes he hurt me. But I guess the ones you love will protect you not meaning to hurt you when they do it. Thats exactly what he did. He tried to protect me and in the process he hurt me. Of coarse he kept something from me then a year or more later decides to tell me. Now this revalation could have saved me alot of pain. Or actually could have made me face reality causing the same amount of pain in a different time. I can only assume it was for my best....

Well I am bored tonight. Just sitting around with not too much to do. Im slightly missing James tonight. Ok more than slightly. This time of the year sucks. I dont mind it so much but the holidays havent sank in yet. I am enjoying the little bit of the music that I have heard. But other than that I have not started shopping and I havent gotten any thing accomplished. Hope may come down. But I dont know. Im missing my family in a big way.. I feel slightly as an outsider at times around this time of the year. I mean I have no relation here so it is hard. I love my family here. The Johnsons and Gaskins are my family. But I miss the Moores and dare I say it even the Petersons. I yearn for that family shit that I never really got into at Christmas. But I guess you never really miss it until it is gone. Kristy and I have offered to go get Hope. She doesnt get out of school until the 22nd. That makes it slightly more difficult but it can still be done. She gets out at 12:35. So I have to work on that Thursday. Ok I am slightly excited now! Hopefully in a few weeks I will get Hope! I really bad want to see her! AHHH I MISS MY JAMES!!!!!

I found this picture of Klye Field. Isnt all that beautiful Texas Aggie Marroon beautiful!!! Go Aggies! 

People from the Past

I swear I have been seeing people left and right from back in the day of middle school and high school. I saw Mrs. Gann on Thanksgiving. Then tonight I saw Chris Garrison. Talk about a blast from the past. I was so shocked. I swear I havent seen him in nearly ten years. It was nice to see him though. We caught up on alot. He was with Jordan and Rose last night. I miss those two. They made me happy way back when. Talk about real friends. Those to are the epitomy of real. Im so glad they are driving each other insane. They are cute together. I only tried to tell them that for years. Hope is gonna see if dad will let her come here for Christmas! I am hoping he will say yes! I really want her to be here. I just want some one of my own but I miss that shit head bad. I even have an extra stocking! So she will be a good addition. Im really bad missing her. I wish the two of us lived closer. I miss having her at my disposal. We have fun together. Shes my buddy and my sister. Besides Im working on something for her. Im hoping it turns out well. Plus if she comes down I will enjoy the next few weeks getting ready for Christmas stuff. Damn only three weeks. I need to get my ass in gear I havent even started. Well I got some stuff to do!

overview of my few days...

Well well well its been a few days hasnt it. Well lets see in the last few days there really hasnt been much going on. I cut off all my finger nails and well they are short. I am not used to short nails. I have grown my nails out long since well middle school. So I have had about 10 years worth of long nails. I just dont see the point in paying for something God gave to me naturally. Anyways. Gonna hang out with my sister and Gabby tomarrow. It is fun getting to see them so much. Lisa is visiting more frequently now. I like that. I miss having my family around. I really wish Hope could come here for Christmas. I would love that. I miss her the most. She knows it too. She has been sick the last few days. She sounded much better tonight. My James Earl is asleep, actually the benadryl has him knocked out. He was funny when he was falling asleep. He always is when he starts to fade. I miss him something bad. Doug came by tonight. I was glad to see him. Havent seen much of good old Doug here lately. I saw him Tuesday night but not for too long. We had us a little talk about my life and he made sure I was ok. I told him to stop being an ass and get around more often. I missed wailing on him. Yeah ok we live around the corner from each other but damn. Hes gotten a life here lately or something. I requested off for the night of his graduation from Police Academy. Im so proud. I might go with him to Austin that following Monday to play around while he takes his exam. That would be fun. Wear my Aggie appearal to Cowville... I hate those damn Longhorn cattle.... Any ways. I am smooth worn out. I am missing my James and Im going to bed got a long day tomarrow.