Storms

We had a storm this morning. Once the thunder and lightning slowed down I fell asleep. I hate storms. Blame it on Andrew, thats when storms became less than fascinating to me and more terrifing. I remember watchin the water spouts go down the river, and the trees fall around our house. The wind alone was incredible. But we stayed there threw it. Since that I have been in more hurricanes and tropical storms, none that equaled or even rivaled the strength that Andrew flexed. Then again I was in the fifth grade and none will ever affect my mentality again the way that one did. Call me a weenie I dont care. I just have no need for a storm. I hate being alone during them. I used to crawl into bed with my mom or who ever was nearest to me. Now thats kind of stupid and well not on my list of options. Its just the part where I am alone while the world sounds as if it may tear it self to shreads that bothers me. Maybe one day I will learn to appreciate the storm that is going on around me. For the moment and the last how ever many years ago it was when this affliction bore it self upon me, I will be scared. James, the lucky fool, go snow last night. Hmm thats something us East Texas people dont see much of. Maybe a few flurries a year but thats really all. Snow now days makes me think of my mom and my dad and sister. They all live where it snows. Hope loves it. Mom says its pretty. I just want to be near them. I could live with snow if thats what it meant. Im sure I wouldnt be too fond of snow after being with mom for a while. Then again hell I may love it. I liked it the times it snowed good up at dads while I was there. I dont know how to drive in it though and that could be a problem.

Holiday Blues

Ok so I got past the first hump in the holiday season. I cried a bit. I walked into Wandas and when some one asked why I was late I tried really hard not to cry my eyes out. I love those people. They are a great family to have love me so much. Hell the Gaskins and the Johnsons are the best substitute family any girl could ask for. But damn I miss my family. I miss my mom and my dad. I miss my mean ass sisters and brother. I miss watching those stupid parades on Thanksgiving morning while mom and dad were cooking. I miss the football games and my dad yelling at the tv. The traditional Cowboys Thanksgiving Day game. The one that always got my dad so fired up and still does. I miss the day after every one huddling around the TV watching the even more important game of UT vs. A&M for the years bragging rights. The decorating for Christmas that mom and us girls started either Thanksgiving afternoon or the next day. I miss this stuff. I miss my family so damn bad. I just dont know how I will get threw Christmas. Damn its gonna be hard. Last year the great asshole of my life was the reason I wasnt so lonely. Even though I worked. This year I dont know whats gonna keep my mind off the fact I that I have no one even remotely related to me. I wish my baby sister could come down. I have to work on Christmas as I do every other holiday on the calendar. But gosh it would be nice to be with some one that I am that close to. Kristy is gonna be busy with Katherine and Joey. So I really wont even have her. Im slightly out of place. I hate the uncomfortable feeling that comes with Christmas. Man I miss my mommy....

This week is gonna be busy. Starting tomarrow I have to work every day this week. There is no telling what time I will get home tomarrow. It should be a busy day. Last year i didnt get out of there until after nine. I go in at eleven in the morning and Im scheduled until seven but that doesnt mean I will get to go home that soon. I should go to sleep early in all honesty but I wont. I know if I do I wont be able to pull my one a.m. shift Friday night. James will probably try to get me to go to bed early tonight. I have to be up by about nine in the morning or Im not gonna be to work on time. I will do it though. I have only been late to work one time in the entire time I worked there. I dont make that a habit. Well Im off to bed.

Peace

James is so funny. He purposely frustrates me. I miss him. Thats kinda pathetic I know but I do. He makes me smile so much its great. My mom says she thinks I am finally at peace with myself. I was waging an emotional and very physical war against myself and every man that got close to me there for a while. I literally had myself so exhausted and broken. I was half a person if not less. I am now full and happy again. I dont cry anymore. I dont sit and wonder what I am doing wrong. I just live my life freely with out worry of if Im pissing anyone else off by having fun. I can feel free to go out and do things with my friends, most of which are men. I dont have to worry that I am gonna get the third degree when my cell phone rings or when I get home. I look forward to my future now days. I am finally there. I am not worried what is gonna happen in a week or a month. I just know that the person that I love is 383 miles away and I know hes not out screwing around. Hell he doesnt have time. We talk so many hours a day its amazing we still have things to say to each other. I miss him. I am ready to be with him again. I sound so pathetic. Im laughing at myself. Well Im just gonna head off to bed with this smile on my face. James I love you!

Hmm have I said I miss James??? I am so ready to be near him. This distance thing is gonna drive us insane... Hope calls us mushy... Lisa says we are the epitome of sap... I dont think we are sappy. I think we are slightly affectionate... But not sappy... He is on the phone with me right now watching a movie. Hes laughing in my ear. Like he does most nights. I like it though. Hes so cute. But if I tell him that he says "whateva" and just laughs at me. Hmmm... Im gonna go lay down... Oh today makes us one month together.... sigh...

Our weekend.

Well I have had a good last few days. The wait bout killed me last week. James got here Friday night about 9 when I was at work. He stayed with me the rest of the time I was there. When he walked in I ran and jumped on him. I thought I was gonna knock him over. But he held on as long as I did. It was funny I kept walkin over to him and hugging him and we just had a good time. After I got off work he followed me home. We sat up a few hours and talked. Then fell asleep together. It was sweet. At 5:45 in the morning Carey and Donna came tearing threw the house. I bolted out of the room and then came back and layed back down. Then the alarm went off at 7. We didnt get up though. We fell back asleep for a while. Kristy took a few pictures of us together. As soon as we figure them out Im gonna print them out and frame them. They turned out really good. We ran all over East Texas all day. We went to Henderson and he showed me where he grew up. It was neat. He was shocked at the changes. Then we went to lunch. That was interesting. Our waiter never was quite clear on which of us he was flirting with. It was funny. On the way threw Palestine the fool just hits his e-brake and stops in the middle of the road. He was salvating over some old car. It was so cute. I swear I will never have to worry about other women because his affair will be with a car. That is some funny stuff. When we got back home we took a nap and watched some college football high lights. Of coarse The Aggies won against Texas Tech. Go AGS! Then of coarse his team won too. Baylor took a beating to OSU making his day that much better. He got back home late. He didnt leave here till close to 7 when I was at work. I didnt want him to leave. This whole distance thing is gonna be difficult but we are gonna make it work. I love that fool. We go well together. Its soo cool because we have been the best of friends for a long long time. Now we are together. I have never in my life been so happy with myself. He just makes me laugh and smile and makes me happy! James I love you honey!

Containing the Excitment...

Ok I am so bouncing off the walls.... James Earl will be here on Friday if all goes as planned. I am freakin out! I am sooooo excited! Every day we do a count down sort of. He called this morning and I was like "four days" he just laughed. I am in such a good mood. He laughs at me alot. I love that boy. Hes just too much at times. But I think I am gonna buy him anyways.. Or thats what I tell him. Hope says we are too mushy. That makes me laugh. Sure we are slightly affectionate. But I dont think we are mushy. Anyways I have alot of cleaning to do. Bathroom is next in line... Later taters....

My nights have been rather nice the last few weeks. James and I sit up and talk most of the time. We are trying to figure out when the two of us can get together. Hope says we are mushy. Ok if telling each other I love you alot is mushy then yeah we are. But we know what we feel for each other and we arent afraid to admit that. Besides hes been in the back of my head for a long time. I just relyed on a connection to some one else. I just cant believe how long he has loved me with out saying anything. If he had I think I would have given up on Toby a long time ago. But James is so sweet. He is really wonderful. He thinks Im not gonna like him once we are actually together. I have news for you James Earl. I love you! I am gonna love you no matter what. So you are wrong. I love you! Any ways. Im very happy these days. I am sleeping better and living life with a sensation that has never been there before. I dont know how else to explain it.