While I'm At It...

Dear Dad,

Once upon a time you were fantastic.  You were a great dad.  Then I grew up and you lost interest or what ever.  Its like more and more I became just this kid you managed to donate sperm for.  Yes we all now call you Dennis or the sperm donor.  Its rare that any of us refer to you as dad.  Contrary to your own belief, YOU caused this. 

I always defended you, made excuses for your actions.  I paid your child support when you were being spiteful.  I put up with the crap you said about my mother, even let you convince me that she got remarried because she didnt love us.  I learned real fast what a load of crap that was, even that I got a better dad out of the deal with her new husband. 

Then Hope graduated and you turned away from us all.  You moved away and became mean and hateful to a new level.  The day you told me I was dead to you, that the wrong one of your children was dead, that is the day I was finally done.  Who says that to their own child?  It hurt me so much to see those words.  You didnt even have the nerve to call me and say it to me, no you emailed it.  These words were so painful and so scaring.  You have no idea the trust issues I have all due to your actions.

For years I thought that if I was good you would change.  If I did something right, you would love me.  Then randomly you would and still do send me these emails saying you love me and miss me.  Me?  The child you said was dead  to you!!!  Are you serious.  The last time you did this I was sitting with my heart breaking in Washington, DC.   You had no idea and couldnt have known, that I was breaking but it just magnified everything.  The one thing I never wanted him to see was me cry.  Thanks alot you made sure that happened.  He didnt understand.  He was confused that one simple line from my "father" could evoke that response. 

I dont trust any men thanks to your treatment of your children and your exwife.  I remember calling you when I was in high school and a woman answering your phone, you were still married to my mother!  Then you wondered why I wouldnt take the call when you called me back, you even admitted she wasnt a coworker.  Then I found out, when we worked together, that these were normal occurrance when you would be away on jobs.  Wow.  I looked up to you.  You taught me right from wrong, but you didnt know how to follow your own instruction.  What an example you were.

Its taken me  years to come to terms with the fact that I do love you, I love the person I knew until you changed.  I love the memories.  I dont love who you have changed into.  I dont support nor agree with the choices you have made and tried so hard to impress upon us, your children who loved you so blindly and unconditionally.  We were all willing to accept who you wanted to be, who you were becoming, but you werent happy with just that.  No you needed us to share your changes with the world when we werent comfortable with letting anyone else in on that.  You have no idea how the world would treat us.  You dont care.  I cant do it. 

As for me, I will live my daily life.  The day you die will kill me.  I will take it hard, I know I will.  Once upon a time you and I were thicker than thieves.  You chose to make that end.  Not me.  I fought hard to keep your presence in my life.  I forgave and forgave.  But from now on, please remember you made all these decisions that led to this and leave me be.  Pretend I am just as dead as you so boldly pronounced me to be.  I cant live with the hurt and grief any longer. 

I will forever cherish the love you once showed me, just dont ask me to deal anymore with your craziness. 

Sincerely,
Your Daughter, Only by DNA, Amanda